Ghosts of Evangelion

[ChaddyManPrime]

^
Hey bro I'm just curious, in your story how much do people remember about being in Instrumentality?

[Bagheera]

^
Hey bro I'm just curious, in your story how much do people remember about being in Instrumentality?

Memories are best for the individual, very good for people who are close to the individual, and non-existent for people unknown to the individual.

[AngelNo13Bardiel]

^ That sounds good. Maybe I might handle it that way as well (if I ever get around to a post-3I story, that is).

I've reworked the scene

And it is indeed better now. Comparing it to the original (which I've been copying down as it updates, same with all the scenes) does point out what you felt was off about it (but was still better than most psychologists' portrayals in Evafiction anyway). Good refinement overall.

[NemZ]

Huh. Not sure how this slipped under my radar but I've gotten caught up. I disagree with some of the basic premises but having the guts to take on the hard business of moving after 3I makes it worth reading anyway. I do keep getting mixed up about when each scene takes place though.

[SEELE]

His demeanor was about right, but his conduct was unprofessional in a couple of ways: he asked an awful lot of leading questions, which is bad enough, and then he talked about diagnoses and such in a session. Ugh. Never had anyone do that with me, so it had to change. The second big problem is that he asked Asuka a bunch of crap about her sexuality, and then went and referred her to a specialist.

Asking a lot of leading questions is per' se bad. It differs from everybody. For smart and straight-forward people it is pretty easy to see behind those question, likewise Asuka. The problem with traumatized ppl in real-life is the actual angle of manipulation. Shinji is a good example: he would never try to look behind those things and questions the therapist. He "want" some help from other people and that is the jumping point. When i changed the therapy i was highly manipulative because i didn't trust the psyc. in the first place. You have to ask yourself if Asuka is somebody who is "i do things straight-away" or a twisted way of sloving problems. If you ask me she is the second one which makes her overall situation pretty complicated. She would be the polar opposite - and still she would be smart to get things initially. Do you know what i mean?

And asking about sexuality is everytime a "crap" topic. But it is necessery especially at this age. People who had lots of sexuality problems tend to project those things onto other cases of their life. Asuka's thinking of "i want to be mature - so i have to sleep with Shinji" is this traumatic experience which (maybe) can't overcome. So her sexuality is so under-developed that she might not be able to live a normal life. And then again - Asuka is smart enough to get those things initially. Asexuality doesn't mean they don't have the urge to make love and sex in the first place but i don't see where she would develop such thing. Shinji is maybe a "trophy" to her (at the time of NGE) and things didn't changed at all. Digging in the past is a good way to slove those problems. Kaji might be a good angle too. She subconscious compare the neat-Bond-girl Kaji (with nurturing behaviour) to the housebroken-timid and neat Shinji. She develops feelings for both of them ... wouldn't suprise me that she saw a site of Kaji (subconscious: while she was in Germany). And again it is a way to lay out her character in your opinion.

But nice self-reflection! And good work though.

[Bagheera]

Huh. Not sure how this slipped under my radar but I've gotten caught up. I disagree with some of the basic premises but having the guts to take on the hard business of moving after 3I makes it worth reading anyway. I do keep getting mixed up about when each scene takes place though.

Note the dates. I know it's still a bit confusing regardless since I keep jumping around, but the dates should help establish a basic timeline at least.

[SEELE]

May i ask if Kaji is still alive in this iteration?

[Bagheera]

May i ask if Kaji is still alive in this iteration?

You may ask. ;)

Kidding aside, he will be the subject of the scene titled "Homecoming." I can get a lot of good mileage out of him as a character, so I figure I might as well do it.

[SEELE]

You may ask. ;)

Kidding aside, he will be the subject of the scene titled "Homecoming." I can get a lot of good mileage out of him as a character, so I figure I might as well do it.

Don't you dare! Don't you dare! Don't kill him off ... he seemingly survived EoE throughout Instrumentality (i asked about this, too. Kendrix gave a similiar answer - that in EoE he seems to be in the Instrumentality). And in this Iteration ... ohhhhh god dayum. Pls be so kind to Misato-san.

[Bagheera]

I tried to write out a therapy scene with Asuka's other psychologist, but quickly realized I had nothing to say. I have no experience with EMDR (or, indeed, any other technique for treating sexual trauma), and I couldn't see any other way the scene was advancing the story. So, I dropped it. This is probably for the best. As such, I've moved on to Shinji's confession! I'm sure nothing bad could possibly happen. This is probably in dire need of editing, but it's been awhile since I posted anything of substance so I've been itching to get it out there. Be prepared for serious mood whiplash.

SPOILER: Show

October 13, 2019
They were watching TV at his place when he said it. There was nothing of note to watch, of course, it being Sunday morning and all. But it was a nice way to kill time until her lunch date with Hikari. And then, out of the blue, he said it. "Asuka?" he asked.
She kept her attention on the TV. "What is it?"
He fidgeted a bit, then said, "I think I . . . like you."
She turned her head, appraising him for a moment. Then she narrowed her eyes and said, "Idiot. Don't talk about things you don't understand."
He blinked in confusion. "What do you mean?"
She snorted. "You don't even know what love is, you blockhead."
He frowned. "I don't think that's true."
"Of course it's true," she mocked. "You can't even love yourself, what on earth makes you think you can love me?"
He fidgeted. "Well . . . "
"Things are hard enough for us without you saying stupid shit like that," she went on. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"I don't . . . " Shinji sputtered, shrinking back. "I don't know," he mumbled. "I just thought it was something you'd like to hear."
"'Something I'd like to hear'," she repeated. "Yeah, that's what I figured."
Shinji's mouth worked, but no sound came out.
"Shinji," she said coldly, "do you really think I don't know what people say about me?" Her lips twisted into a mocking sneer. " 'Oh that Asuka, she's such a bitch! Can't you do something to calm her down?' That's what they say. And here you come, saying you like me, or any of the other stupid things you've been saying the past few weeks. Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?"
He shook his head, utterly bewildered. "No, you're wrong! That's not--"
"It is!" she barked. She pointed at his crotch. "That's the only love you've ever known, and we both know how that turned out!"
Shinji went very still, remembering the horrible day and all the self-hatred that went along with it. "How can you say that?" he asked. "You know I . . . " he trailed off, unable to continue.
She took several deep breaths, trying to calm down. When she opened her eyes, She glared at him in disgust. "What we have between us is guilt and desperation, not love. I don't like it. I know you don't like it, either. But we're stuck with it. Don't make it worse for both of us by pretending it's something it's not."
He didn't respond. He just drooped, shocked into silence by her words.
She glared at him again, but held her tongue. She looked at her watch. "I gotta go meet up with Hikari." She stood up, heading for the door. "I'll see you later."
He remained silent. She glanced back at him as she left, chewing her lower lip in indecision. Then she scowled and pressed forward, closing the door behind her.

Asuka was in a foul mood when she got to the noodle shop. After ordering a bowl of udon she found Hikari, sat down, and angrily started eating.
"You seem upset," her friend observed. "Is something wrong?"
Asuka stabbed at her noodles with her chopsticks. "That brat Shinji," she replied. "He's really pissing me off lately."
"Brat?" Hikari observed.
"He had the nerve to tell me he liked me this morning," Asuka growled.
Hikari clapped her hands together in glee. "Shinji confessed? That's wonderful!"
Asuka glared at her. "Don't make me laugh," she growled.
Hikari looked confused. "What do you mean? What's wrong?"
Asuka shook her head. "He doesn't mean it, Hikari," she said. "He's just as fucked up as I am, he doesn't know how to love another person." She scowled. "He's such a wimp. People complain about me being a bitch all the time, and lately he's been offering me silly bits of praise just to keep me under control." She fiercely attacked her noodles. "If only he'd stand up for himself. Or me! So what if I piss people off? He knows what it's like, he should stick up for me anyway. But no, he just wants to avoid causing a fuss. Can't have people upset at him or anything, oh no."
Hikari gave her a skeptical look. "I don't think that's true, Asuka."
"Of course it's true," she spat. She stared at the table mounfully, dragging her fingers through her hair. "Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone? We were doing okay for a while there, and now he has to start all of this shit." She clenched a fist. "It makes me so mad!"
Hikari raised her hands, urging Asuka to calm down. "Now wait," she began. "Did he actually say anything like that?"
"He didn't have to," Asuka said. "He wouldn't know subtlety if he tripped over it, so it's obvious."
Hikari didn't reply, instead watching in silence as Asuka devoured her food.
"I'm gonna get another bowl," Asuka mumbled.
"Okay." Soon after Asuka left, Touji Suzuhara entered the shop. Hikari waved at him. "Hi Touji!"
Touji walked over to the table, smiling at his girlfriend all the while. "Hey, 'Kari." He glanced over at Asuka. "How's the demon doing?"
Hikari scowled. "You better not call her that to her face, Touji. She's in a really bad mood today."
They didn't get any farther before Asuka returned. She gave Touji a tight glare as she sat down. "What the hell are you doing here?" she growled.
Touji gave her a mocking smile. "Love you too, Soryu."
Asuka slammed down her bowl and stabbed a finger in Touji's direction. "Don't you start with me, Suzuhara. I've already had enough of that shit from Shinji today, and if you push me I'll make you sorry, peace treaty or no."
Touji shot Hikari an inquiring look. "Shinji confessed to her this morning," she explained.
Touji looked back at Asuka, puzzled. "And that's bad?"
Asuka slammed her fist on the table and glared at Touji.
"She doesn't think he means it," Hikari explained. "She thinks it's an act or something, to make sure she doesn't cause anyone any trouble."
"That's exactly it!" Asuka insisted. "If you could only see the way he acts toward me . . . " She gritted her teeth, then dug into her second bowl.
Touji frowned. "Uh, Soryu . . . "
She shot him a glare that promised death if he continued.
He shifted uncomfortably. "Look, you know I'm not exactly your biggest fan and all, but I think you're kinda off base here."
"Then you're an idiot," she spat.
He shook his head. "No, seriously, what you're saying doesn't make sense. I spend more time with the guy than anyone, apart from you I guess, and he never talks about you embarrassing him or anything. He just wants to make you happy."
"Of course he does," she snarled. "If he makes me happy he'll get praise, and then he'll feel like he's worth a damn. Same old Shinji."
Touji and Hikari shared a look. "Asuka," Hikari began, "that's a really cynical way to look at it."
Asuka didn't look up. "What are you talking about?" she asked.
"Well," Hikari hedged, "it's true that he's always a little concerned or upset when he's talking about you, since that's just the way you two are . . . "
Asuka made a face, but didn't comment.
" . . . but even so, when he talks about something good that happened between you two his face just lights up, like he--"
"Yeah!" Touji interrupted. "He'll get this stupid grin on his face, like he's the happiest guy on Earth."
Hikari nodded.
Asuka looked up. "That's . . . that's insane." She glared at them. "You guys are just defending him!"
Touji scoffed. "You think it's just us?" he asked, incredulous.
Asuka looked at Hikari. Hikari blushed a little, then said, "Everyone knows about it." She laughed nervously. "It's, ah . . . it's kinda obvious."
Asuka shook her head, wide-eyed. "No, he's just . . . I mean, it's Shinji, he . . ." She looked from Hikari to Touji and back again. "Everyone?" she asked.
"Well . . . " Hikari hedged. She glanced at Touji, then shrugged.
Asuka went still, considering. All at once, the full weight of the morning's events hit her like a ton of bricks. Her fingers slackened, her chopsticks falling to the floor.
"Asuka?" Hikari asked, concerned. "Are you alright?"
Asuka leaned forward, cradling her head in her hands.
"Asuka?" Hikari asked again. "Asuka!"
Asuka slowly turned her head to face her friend. "Hikari, I think I might have made a huge mistake."
Hikari gave Touji a telling look, and he got up to leave without another word. Hikari moved her chair next to Asuka's and put a comforting arm around her friend's shoulders. "It will be alright," she soothed. "We'll get Shinji here and get this all sorted out."
Asuka didn't reply. She just sat there, hands tangled in her hair, feeling her world falling to pieces around her.

Shinji glowered at Touji as they approached the noodle shop. "Why are we doing this again?" he grumbled. "It's not like it'll change anything."
Touji frowned. "I don't know if it will or not, but you didn't see her earlier. She's really messed up."
Shinji glowered. "Like that's news. She's always messed up, same as me."
"I know but . . . " Touji scratched his head. "We gotta do something, y'know? I mean, it's not like we think we can fix your problems or anything, but we gotta at least try."
Shinji just shrugged. "Fine, whatever." They reached the noodle shop, and he let his friend lead him inside.
The girls were in the back, just as before. Shinji wasn't sure what he'd expected to find when he got there, but the miserable girl in front of him wasn't it. She looked defeated, like someone who'd realized she'd lost and had resigned herself to her fate. She didn't say anything, to him or anyone else. She just stared off into space, as if in a daze.
Shinji gave her a concerned look, then frowned. He turned to leave. "I'm going home," he said.
Hikari stood up. "Shinji, wait! Asuka wants to apologize."
Asuka gave her a hollow laugh. "It's too late," she rasped. "An apology won't take back what I said."
Hikari stared at her owlishly. "You have to try though, don't you?" Hikari looked at both of them uncertainly, the severity of the situation unmistakable.
Shinji sat down, regarding Asuka with a mixture of hurt and anger. His fingers twitched, before closing into a fist. "You need to start listening to what I say," he said softly. "I may be an idiot, but I know how I feel. Better than you do, anyway."
She nodded.
"I don't mind being hurt sometimes," he went on. "That doesn't mean I like it, but I can deal with it. It means you're being honest with me and I appreciate that. But this morning, you went too far."
"I know," she said.
He leaned on the table. "When you got back from Kyoto, you said you wanted to be friends with me. Don't you remember that?"
Asuka's eyes were watering. "Yes."
"Is this how you treat your friends?" His voice was tinged with anger. "Are things really so terrible between us that you would say something like that?"
She squeezed her eyes shut, tears rolling down her face, and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said. "I--"
"That doesn't help," he said. "If that's how you really feel . . . "
Asuka was sobbing now. Hikari put a comforting arm around her and shot Shinji a disapproving frown. "That's enough, Shinji."
He stared at Asuka, hurt and confused and ashamed. A few moments later he stood, and turned to leave. "Fine," he said. "I'll see you later, then." He left the noodle shop, leaving the crying girl in his wake.

It was dark when Asuka got home. She entered, and found him watching TV. "I'm home," she said.
He nodded at her. "Welcome back," he replied. His tone was subdued.
She joined him in front of the TV. She sat down and pulled her knees up to her chest. She looked at him several times, chewing her lip as she tried to think of something to say. The silence between them stretched on for several minutes. He looked . . . resigned. It wasn't surprising, really; the situation was what it was, and he was very good at coping. Asuka squeezed her eyes shut, suppressing a shudder as she replayed the morning's events in her mind. She took a deep breath, and slowly began speaking. "I just couldn't believe that you felt that way about me," she said, her voice low. "I have so many problems, and I'm such a nasty bitch sometimes," she went on. She smiled a self-deprecating smile. "Well, most of the time, I guess." She laughed awkwardly. "And I'm not even all that pretty anymore, thanks to these stupid scars. I couldn't imagine anyone would feel that way about me. So I just assumed . . . " she shrugged.
"I know," he said. "It's fine."
She narrowed her eyes. "Don't say that. It makes you seem like a doormat."
He shrugged. "Sorry."
She scowled. "And don't start that again!" She turned to stare at the TV. "Why would you even feel that way about me, anyway?"
"Who cares?" he asked. "It's not like it matters anyway."
"It matters!" she exclaimed. "It matters to me, anyway."
He looked at her, then at the floor. He frowned, considering. "In the beginning all I felt was guilt, just like you said. I felt horrible for what had happened to you, and I didn't do anything to stop it." He looked back at her. "But a lot's happened since then. There's so much more to it now."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well . . . " he took his chin in hand. "Things were really hard for us after Third Impact. Even when we weren't fighting, there were still the dreams, and just trying to get by. It was so awful."
"Yeah." Asuka smiled ruefully, hard pressed to disagree.
"But no matter how hard it got," he went on, "you endured. You were so fierce and strong, and even when you used it against me I still admired that strength."
Asuka scowled. "What does that have to do with anything?"
But Shinji ignored her, caught up in his memories. "And it wasn't always bad!" he said. "We had good days, too. Sometimes we'd find a really good stash of food, or . . . " he brightened. "The cello! You remembeer the cello, right?"
She flushed a bit. "Yeah."
"You went to so much trouble to bring it back, to fix things." He smiled at her fondly. "You have no idea how much that meant to me."
She shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I had to do something . . . "
"And after that," he went on, "well . . . why wouldn't I start to like you? Isn't that natural in that sort of situation?
She was beet red at this point. "How would I know?" she mumbled.
"We were fighting a lot when Misato found us," he went on, "so all I felt at that point was frustration. But then, when you went to Kyoto . . . " he shook his head. "After things settled down a bit I was really worried about you. I never heard anything about what was going on, so I didn't know if you were getting better or not. All I knew was that I wasn't there to look after you, and that was really important to me for some reason. And I never really figured out what any of that meant." He thought for a moment, then shrugged. "But then you came back, and we talked about everything, and I just . . . stopped hurting so much. I started thinking about you without having to worry that something terrible would happen, and . . . " He turned toward her, looking at her in earnest. "No one's been saying you're terrible, Asuka. At least not to me. And if they did I wouldn't listen to them. The only reason I've been saying those things is because they're true. I just . . . well, you already know I'm an idiot," he said, blushing.
She giggled.
He coughed. "Well, anyway, that's how I feel."
Asuka chewed her lip, considering. "If that's the case, then I guess I have to . . . have to accept."
"Huh?" he asked, puzzled.
"Your confession," she explained. "That's how it works, right? You confess, I accept."
He blinked a bit at the breathy tone in her voice, then relaxed. "Oh, that," he said. He crossed his arms with a smirk. "Actually, I take it back."
She jerked back. "What?" she asked. "Whaaaat?" she went on. "You can't do that!"
"I don't think there's any rule against it," he said, deadpan.
"You just got done explaining why you like me," she said. "You can't take it back now!"
He harumphed, and stuck out his chin. "Just because I have strong feelings for you doesn't mean I think dating you would be a good idea."
"But you . . . you stupid . . . " she fumed. "Shinji, you brat! That doesn't even make sense!"
"It makes sense to me," he said, sulking. "And besides," he went on, his voice tinged with bitter disappointment, "it's not like you share my feelings, anyway."
She licked her lips, scrambling to recover. "Now, just--hold on a minute, Shinji. Let's not be hasty here."
He looked at her through narrowed eyes. "You weren't exactly unclear about your feelings this morning, you know."
"Well . . . " she trailed off.
"You said--" he began.
"I know what I said!" she shouted. She twiddled her index fingers nervously. "But even so, a lot has happened since then, and I just . . . I just . . . " Her hands shot down to her sides. "I don't want you to take it back!"
He regarded her with mute incredulity. "Are you for real?" he asked.
She crossed her legs, planting her hands in her lap. "Hmph," she said, chin up with all the pride she could muster. She looked at him sidelong, then looked away quickly.
He stared at her in wonder for a couple of beats, then finally gave in. "Fine," he sighed. "If that's what you want."
She nodded. "That's what I want."
"Fine."
"Good."
"Alright."
"Good!"
He turned back to the TV. He watched for a few minutes, then said, "You're impossible."
"Shut up, stupid Shinji," she replied. She sidled up next to him, leaning on him as they watched the TV together.

Comments gratefully accepted.

Up next:
09/2018: Why Asuka didn't go back to Germany
09/2018: Why Hello, Dr. Hachijyo! Let me introduce you to a wounded tiger. Careful, she bites.
04/2019: A mother's work, aka Asuka learns the truth about Yui Ikari

Along with the stuff I've mentioned previously. No idea which is coming next, actually; have to see where my mood takes me.

[ChaddyManPrime]

^
Can you please go with the Yui is Evil path when Asuka learns of her? Even if you don't believe in it I'd still like to see you try it.

[KingXanaduu]

^^

YES, Shinji finally grew something and actually stood up to Asuka about the confession and their love life. Finally, some equal partnership between them, where they BOTH confront each other. :) It's painful, but it's progress.

Also, was that last conversation between them a "test" on Shinji's part to Asuka, to see if she was genuine in her apology and acceptance? Or is there something I'm missing.

[Gemini011]

^
Can you please go with the Yui is Evil path when Asuka learns of her? Even if you don't believe in it I'd still like to see you try it.

Bags can correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure this fic is an exercise in applying his understanding of the material to a realistic portrayal of Shinji and Asuka's relationship after 3I. Based on his thread about the nature and mechanics of Third Impact, I wouldn't be surprised if that includes at least some of the characters having a negative (even "evil") interpretation of Yui's agenda and actions.

[Bagheera]

Xander: That wasn't my intent, no. I was mainly just playing around with the concept of the Japanese confession, i.e. the fact that it's not just a declaration of love, but also an invitation to begin dating. My intent there was to have Shinji effectively say "yes I love you, but I don't want to date you because that would end in disaster." Asuka doesn't get that, since she wasn't raised in Japan. It probably needs some editing to make the joke clear, I dunno.

Chaddy: As Gemini said, I'm playing it straight. Yui doesn't have to be evil to really piss off Asuka, so there's no need to go over the top.

[ChaddyManPrime]

^
But I want to see you go over the top

[KingXanaduu]

^

Well, hopefully, both of them can learn to relax soon, or else, they'll be at each other's throats again. But then again, that's probably your intention to be like Eva. Have them move forward somehow, if only by a little.

[y3k]

I'm quite enjoying this.

I think it's sometimes forgotten that while Shinji's natural state is that of a passive character, when put in certain situations he can dish what Asuka deals out right back at her. Maybe not as well, but enough to hold his ground. I'm really glad to see that here, especially with something genuinely important (y'know, as opposed to just fighting over the TV remote).

[Bagheera]

Updated the ending of the last scene. Nothing new added, just changed the flow a bit.

[Ray]

@Bagheera

I'm rereading the whole thing. . .and holy crap! The scene where Asukas talking about her and Shinji's first time. . .Jeez that was both heart wrenching and horribly squick. Ugh. Makes me cringe and balk every time I read it, in a good way.

You've got Talent, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Bagheera]

I have discovered a critical and unforgivable error in the text so far: none of the OCs are named after boats. This is such a basic mistake, and so idiotic, and I'm kicking myself very hard right now. I am going to fix it in the next update; the names of the three OCs mentioned thus far will be changed, and I will list them plainly so as to minimize confusion. Please bear with me.

I expect to have an update this weekend. NemZ noted that Asuka's reasons for remaining in Japan should probably be addressed, and I agree with him. After that, I'll probably be working on Asuka's early days as a grad student (in April of 2019). It concerns a letter Yui sent to Fuyutsuki outlining her plans for subverting Seele's goals, her motivations re: godhood, and the role the Evas played in that (hence the reason Asuka would give a damn). The main trick there will be to keep it light on the exposition, but maybe I should just give in and milk it for all its worth to really hammer things out, I dunno. Still pondering.

If anyone's thinking the drama so far has been a bit repetitive, well, you'll be glad to know there's none planned for these scenes. I hope you'll find them interesting!