[CYOA] Shinji's Silly Misadventures!

[Nuclear Lunchbox]

Sadly, all good things must come to an end. Even this.

[Squigsquasher]

No point dawdling. Part 2! Also, this will be incredibly long. You have been warned.

You follow Misato to the elevator to Terminal Dogma, with Kaworu following you.

You enter the elevator, and with a whir of servos, it begins to descend.

"Shinji-kun" says Kaworu "I would like it very much if I could be your best man"

You smile, and put your hand on his shoulder. "Thanks, Kaworu. It would be a pleasure"

He smiles, and you lean in for a brotherly hug.

Suddenly you remember something, something very important...

"Oh, bugger! I just remembered, I don't have a ring for Rei!" you curse.

Fortunately, Kaworu once again has the answer. He holds out his palm, and using his tremendous powers, forges a beautiful silver ring with an inset diamond.

You breathe a sigh of relief. "Phew...Thanks, Kaworu. I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for lazy Deus Ex Machinas"

Finally, the elevator comes to an abrupt halt.

"OK, it's your big moment, Shinji! Don't screw up!" giggles Misato, cheerfully.

You enter Terminal Dogma, and find all your friends specially dressed up for the occasion. Touji, Kensuke, Hikari, Yoko, Kaji, Ritsuko, Kaya, Aoba, Hyuga, the ISH, even Kozoman have turned up.

Touji spots you out the corner of his eye and gestures to you.

"Hey, Shinji! Glad ya made it...especially considerin' it's your own wedding! How ya doin'?"

"Not too bad, thanks. Just played a game of cricket with Hideaki Anno and completely ruined vast tracts of irreplaceable woodland. You?" you reply.

"We're great, thanks!" says Kensuke "This is, what, the 3rd party so far in this CYOA? And look, we even brought champagne!"

He takes a bottle from the table, gesturing to the golden foil sticker, reading "AIDA-SUZAHARA VINEYARDS, 1877-2015, 2000 IMPACT SPECIAL"

You are somewhat taken aback by the somewhat preposterous claim of being around since 1877, but you don't really care. As long as it tastes good, right?

"Here, have a glass!" says Hikari, pouring you a glass of the bubbly golden liquid.

You thank her, taking a sip. It tastes pretty good, if somewhat...petroleum-y.

"I tell ya" says Kensuke "You are the luckiest kid alive, shacking up with a lovely girl like that. What a beaut!"

Yoko grabs his ear and twists it. "Hey, you're not so hard-done-by yourself, you know!" she teases, grinning as she yanks your friend's auditory organ.

Then, you hear a door swing open, and in walks Rei.

She is wearing an exquisitely beautiful wedding dress, made of many layers of soft white lacy fabric. She is carrying a bouquet of white roses, and is gently smiling. Asuka is carrying her wedding train.

"This thing sure is heavy..." grunts Asuka, struggling to lift the ironclad, normally railbound vehicle.

You wonder if maybe Rei misunderstood the meaning of the word "wedding train" but decide not to worry. It is a very nice steam train, after all.

You run over to Rei and take her hand. The pair of you begin to walk up the aisle to the altar, which is coincidentally positioned directly underneath the impaled body of Lilith.

The cliched organ music plays as you stroll up the aisle, hand in hand. Several of your guests start taking photos, but that aside, everybody is respectfully quiet.

You are overjoyed that after sitting through over 40 pages of atrocious writing, you are finally at this wonderful point in your life. All the pain, all the waffling, all the pointless filler will have been worth it. Because now you are marrying the girl you love.

"Your ring, Rei" you whisper, passing your beloved the ring you have just acquired.

Rei smiles. "It is lovely, Shinji. I shall treasure it forever, and take it with me everywhere, just like my favourite stick of celery"

You finally reach the altar. There, a large black man in a priest's outfit, drawn in an extremely cartoonish fashion and wearing a little badge saying "Hello, my name is Garterbelt", is waiting.

He clears his throat and opens his bible.

"Lissen up, bitches! We are gathered here today to join this young boy and this unholy fusion of creator god and human DNA in holy matrimony, 'till death or the plot do them part"

Funny. You don't remember that bit being in the bible.

"If any o' you bitches got any reasons why this here wedding should not go ahead, then shut tha f**k up and getcho' ass outta this wedding, or I will set my angels, Panty an' Stocking, on you! That clear enough for ya?" he shouts, pointing up at Lilith's shoulder, where 2 figures are sitting.

"That's us" say the angels in unison, twirling their weapons menacingly.

For a few seconds, there is silence. Then, someone bursts in through the door.

"I HAVE A REASON!" roars Gendo, rudely interrupting your wedding witha shotgun tucked under his arm "I REFUSE TO ALLOW MY LITTLE Rei TO MARRY THIS SCOUNDREL!"

Rei grows visibly angry. "Oh for crying out loud, you were the one who insisted we got married in the first place!" she snaps at him.

Gendo's expression turns from anger to confusion to sudden embarrassment.

"Ah...yes...OK, sorry....carry on..."

Garterbelt sighs. "You two, get him outta here!"

Panty and Stocking descend from upon Lilith's shoulder with a backflip, and the pair deliver a flying kick to your bastard father, promptly removing him form the wedding. They then proceed to lock the door after him.

"Anyway!" shouts Garterbelt, growing impatient "Shinji, do you take Rei Monotonous Ayanami to be your wedded wife, 'till death do you part?"

"I do" you say, meekly.

"An Rei!" booms Garterbelt "Do you take Shinji Spineless Ikari to be your wedded husband, 'till death do you part?"

"I do" she says.

Garterbelt grunts and snaps his bible shut. "Shinji, you may kiss yo' bride"

Suddenly, Lilith's body begins to come loose from the crucifix it is mounted upon, and leans towards you, getting closer and closer.

"Oops" says Rei, completely unfazed "I think I'm controlling the wrong body"

You chuckle. "Ah, well, it's hardly the end of the world, right?"

Then you hear a deep rumble.

You turn, and see Kaworu beginning to fuse with Lilith.

"Sorry" he says sheepishly "It looked all soft and spongy, and, well..."

You sigh. "Oh, you've really gone and done it now..."

You're right. He has. Lilith's body begins to glow, and in an explosion of energy, you are all wiped out in an explosion of light as Third Impact begins.

THE EN-

"STOP!" shout Touji and Kensuke, time pausing with a "record scratch" noise as they jump into the foreground "We can't end the CYOA like that! That would just be depressing!"

"We figured we should go for a better ending. How about the happy ending?" says Touji.

"Yeah! That sounds good!" replies Kensuke.

And with that, the pair of them start wiggling rhythmically, making the screen go all wobbly. "Diddly-doo! Diddly-doo! Diddly-doo!"

And with that, the screen dissolves to where you left off.

"Shinji, you may kiss the bride" growls Garterbelt "And Rei, remember which body you're using this time!"

You look deep into Rei's eyes, and the 2 of you lean in and kiss.

It is without a doubt the most wonderful kiss you have ever had. Better than the first kiss of the CYOA in Rei's apartment, better than the 3-way kiss with Asuka and Rei, definitely better than that kiss you got forced upon you by that old guy dressed as Tinkerbell. actually you'd rather forget that last one happened.

The guests collectively let out an "Aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwww..."

You finally break off the passionate smooch.

"I now pronounce you man...erm...boy, and wife" announces Garterbelt, snapping his bible shut.

=======================================

POST BREAK, SIMPLY FOR READING'S SAKE, STORY CONTINUES IMMEDIATELY AFTER

[Squigsquasher]

====================================

9 MONTHS LATER

====================================


A lot has happened in the 9 months that have passed since the wedding. You went on a honeymoon in Paris and almost destroyed the Eiffel Tower, you invented a bizarre fusion of the Scotch Egg and the sausage, Asuka learnt to play the trumpet (very badly), Kaji moved in with Misato, and Kaworu founded a self-help club which has been going remarkably well. But those are all tales for another time...

More importantly, however, Rei is almost at the end of her pregnancy.

You return from the kitchen carrying several plates of shrimp, daikon and Yebisu curry, having honed the recipe to perfection. You place the plates down on the table and call everyone to dinner.

"Mmm....Damn, Shinji, this is really good! And it isn't making me homocidally drunk!" mumbles Asuka over a mouthful of food.

"Thanks! I find it helps when you don't put the whole can of beer in the mixture!" you reply, grinning.

"A shame...I quite liked it with the extra booze...Ah well, I can always have another can afterwards!" giggles Misato, chugging down her 13th Yebisu.

Ah, well. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Eventually you finish your dinner. You are heading off to bed when Rei suddenly groans and falls to the floor.

"Rei! Are you alright?" you ask, distressed.

"I don't mean to alarm anyone" says Rei, calmly "But I think the baby's coming"

Misato spits out her beer, and Kaji expertly avoids the fountain of brown liquid. "Quick, call an ambulance! We need to get you to the hospital!" she shouts, rushing to the phone. She fumbles about with the handset, and manages to phone for an ambulance despite her drunken state.

Soon an ambulance arrives, taking you, Rei, Misato and Asuka to the hospital. Rei is carefully placed into the bed, whilst the 3 of you watch over her.

Once you are all in, the ambulance lurches off, its sirens blaring.

"It's OK, Rei" you say to her, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder "Everything's going to be fine"

"Well of course it is, stupid!" yells Asuka, whacking you round the head with a stethoscope "If it doesn't, your 2 friends can just do the diddly-doo dissolve thing and magic a better ending!"

"That is a fair point, however, it heavily detracts from the WAFFiness of the scene" scolds Rei "Please do not try and remove the emotional impact"

Asuka stops hitting you. "...Sorry..."

Soon, the ambulance arrives at St. Ribbencrack's General Hospital, and Rei is carted up to the Maternity Ward.

You sit by the side of her bed, watching over her.

"How do you feel?" you ask her, worried sick.

"Odd. Like a stuffed chicken" she replies.

Asuka rolls her eyes. "Typical Wondergirl as usual" she mutters.

Suddenly Rei winces.

"Oh dear. I think that was a contraction" she states, as casually as though she were remarking on a deficit of Hob-Nobs.

"NURSE! The baby's coming!" yells Misato.

The nurse and a few doctors dash to the side of the bed, carrying various medical equipment, and some unidentifiable junk.

"...Is that a sink plunger?" asks a rather unimpressed Asuka.

The doctors ignore the remark and focus their attention on Rei, whose contractions are getting more and more severe.

"OK, madam, I need you to push. Try pushing" says the doctor.

"OK" replies Rei, pushing the doctor over, leaving him sprawled on his behind.

"I don't think that's what the doctor meant..." sighs Misato.

Rei looks confused for a few seconds, then a look of understanding dawns on her face. "Oh, I get it" she says, chuckling.

You clasp her hand, beggining to sob. "Remember Rei...I love you!" you cry.

The nurse looks her in the eye. "OK, now just so you know, this is probably going to hurt quite a-"

"Done!" says Rei, smiling.

And indeed she is. The doctor removes the baby from under Rei's hospital gown, snips the umbilical cord, and passes the baby to Rei.

"Congratulations! It's a boy!" says the doctor, try as hard as possible to sound excited.

You look at your new baby, and give Rei a warm hug.

"Oh, Rei...I love you...He's beautiful!" you sob, holding her and your baby in your arms.

"The question is...what are we going to call him?"

So, what do you name your new baby?

[notalive]

I vote for the name(s) Squigsquasher Gendo. The first part is pretty self-explanatory. It's in honour of our favourite tale-weaver!

And the second part?... Well, I'm just such a bastard

[Justacrazyguy]

Eva

[Lavinius]

*Arthur M. Baszchvinger III, Esquire
*Baka
*Dante
*Estlin
*Feyd-Rautha
*Il Palazzo
*Langley
*Lilim
*Lilly
*Shinjispinelesssson

[Atropos]

Damien

[Nuclear Lunchbox]

Hayashibara. Y'know, as a homage. The name can be male: I've confirmed it with a few of my mates.

[EVAfacepalm]

Well, that was awesome.

Anyhow, I say we name him Kaworu, after our favorite angel. Who, by the way, is most likely soon leaving on a "private retreat" to the Alps with a certain redhead.

Hey, those two need a happy ending too.

Edit: And by "private retreat", I mean one in a tiny cabin consisting of nothing but a huge bed, a fireplace with a bearskin rug by it, and a fountain of fondue.

[Agentomega]

Waver! (because it can be romanized so many ways, it also contains an innate Eva "Weba" pun!)

[Squigsquasher]

Gah, so many brilliant suggestions. I can't decide...Damn my indecisiveness and your awesomeness!

[notalive]

Just use all of them if it's really that hard to decide.

[Nuclear Lunchbox]

Just use all of them if it's really that hard to decide.

That wouldn't be a very fun name to call somebody. It would be a humiliation.

[EVAfacepalm]

Okay, let's Vote

1.) Squigsquasher Gendo
2.) Eva
3.) Lilim (sorry Agammemnon, I had to pick the one of your ideas that seemed the best.
4.) Damien
5.) Hayashibara
6.) Kaworu
7.) Waver

I personally vote for 6.

[Nuclear Lunchbox]

I'm running with five. Possibly seven if it gains enough favor.

[MoroNoKimi]

1, because it's the most ridiculous choice and it's making me laugh WAY TOO HARD. How could I vote for anything other than the one that made me spew my water all over the floor?

[Agentomega]

1, because it's the most ridiculous choice and it's making me laugh WAY TOO HARD. How could I vote for anything other than the one that made me spew my water all over the floor?

QFT. My vote is for 1.

[notalive]

My idea is being supported? That's something new...

If so, then I choose 1!

[TomasJC]

1.

[Squigsquasher]

You think hard about this decision. After all, your child is going to have to live with this name for the rest of his life.

Then, from deep within your mind, the perfect name comes to you. You're not sure why, or where it came from, but it seems perfect.

"Squigsquasher" you blurt out.

Rei gives you a funny look, as if you were dressed as a Moomin clutching a pickaxe. "I'm sorry, I don't understand..."

"That's what his name should be" you clarify yourself "Squigsquasher. Squigsquasher Gendo Ikari. I think it suits him"

Your baby looks up at you and happily gurgles, seemingly approving of the name.

"I think he likes it" says Rei, smiling and holding him close to her chest "Let's go with that. Squigsquasher"

Asuka rolls her eyes. "Odd name...but I can't comment with a name like Asuka Langley Soryhu" she sighs "Besides...he is adorable..."

Misato comes to look at Squigsquasher. "Awwww, look at him! He's so cute! Coochie-coo! Coochie-coo!" she croons, fawning over him and causing him to laugh.

Suddenly, the door is kicked in, and none other than your bastard father, Gendo, marches into the room, clutching an elephant gun.

"RIGHT, YOU MISERABLE GREASE-STAIN!" he growls, pointing his oversized weapon at you "Give me the baby!"

You all stare at him incredulously. "Excuse me!?! What the hell are you doing here? And why do you want Rei's baby?!?" exclaim Misato and Asuka, completely baffled.

Gendo snarls and lifts his glasses. "That child is the son I should have had, made from MY little Rei! He belongs to me! Now you will hand him over or you shall meet a particularly grizzly end!"

He shakes his gun threateningly.

A deep anger builds within you. You stand up, and firmly place yourself between your friends and Gendo.

"Father" you sneer "You may gotten my mother killed. You may have abandoned me and left me on my own. You may have completely ignored me for over 11 years. You may have forced me to pilot Unit 01. You may have tried to make my life a living hell. You may even have sold my innocence by dressing me as a Miko and sending me off to that creepy old man. But mark my words...You will NOT take our baby or hurt my friends. If you want them, you'll have to come through me first"

"Wait, he did WHAT?" gasps Asuka, completely shocked.

Gendo quivers for a few seconds, the gun shaking in his hands. Clearly he was not expecting you to have a backbone.

You press your advantage. "What's the matter...scared of your pansy son? Come on!" your voice raises to a mighty shout. "DO IT, MAGGOT!"

Then Gendo stops shaking, and you realize your fate is sealed.

He points his gun right at your forehead.

"Goodnight, sweet prince" he snarls.

He pulls the trigger, and your life flashes before your eyes. Everything goes into slow motion as your final moments unfold.

Ah well, I've had a good run you think to yourself. Guess my luck's finally run out.

However, just as the bullet is about to impact with your face and turn your head into chunky salsa, Squigsquasher raises his tiny hand, The Touch starts playing, and a radiant white octagonal shield raises before you, the bullet harmlessly vapourizing upon contact.

You step back, surprised at your current still-alive status.

Gendo drops his gun, standing in total shock. "A-An AT Field!?!?" he gasps. "How?"

Then something occurs to you. Rei is a reincarnation of Lilith, and has some of her DNA. Rei's god-blood combined with your natural untapped awesomeness have produced a baby with Spiral Energy AND a ridiculously powerful AT Field.

Whilst Gendo is still recovering from the shock of your offspring's Angelic powers, you seize your opportunity.

"Squiggy! Now!"

Squigsquasher giggles, and makes a grabbing gesture.

As if clenched in an invisible fist, Gendo is lifted off the ground, flailing wildly.

"Put me down at once!" he screams. "Somebody, help me!"

Squigsquasher gestures again, and Gendo is flung out the window. He is then deftly caught by, of all the things, Unit 01, who has been standing outside the window the whole time, it would seem.

The purple behemoth brings Gendo close to its face.

"Please, your omnipotence!" sobs Gendo "Have mercy!"

There is a silence.

Then, at last, Yui speaks from within the monster...

"Nope!"

With that, she takes him between finger and thumb and flicks him into the air, sending him soaring into the distance.

"Look's like I'm blasting off agaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnn!" wails Gendo, eventually becoming a twinkle in the distance, as is customary of cheaply made anime.

Yui/Unit 01 makes a noise very similar to Muttley's snigger, before stomping off.

"Do you think he's alright?" says Asuka.

You shrug. "Nobody dies in comedies. He'll be fine"

Rei looks at you, smiling and cradling Squigsquasher. "Come on, Shinji-kun. Let's go home" she says, softly.

=====================================================

*14 YEARS LATER*

=====================================================

You sit on the porch of your home, reading the newspaper, having just constructed a treehouse not 5 minutes earlier. In the news is something about some bunch of kids in a great big robot called Gunbuster, or something, saving the world. Or something like that.

You chuckle to yourself. "Heh. Amateurs. Still, I wish them the best of luck" you say to yourself.

Rei strolls over you from her spot of gardening with a letter in her hand. "Darling" she says, cheerily "We have a message from Asuka and Kaworu. They've settled down somewhere in the Swiss alps, and they've just bought a fondue set"

You grin and chuckle. "Yep, that sounds like them alright" you laugh.

You get up from your chair and give Rei a hug and a tender kiss. "I love you, Rei" you whisper in her ear.

"I love you too" she whispers back. "And my crop of celery has done remarkably well..."

Suddenly, the school bus pulls up at your house, and Squigsquasher gets out. He waves goodbye to his friends, and runs towards you.

"Mum! Dad! I'm home!" he shouts, leaping into your arms for a hug.

You swear you hear Hideaki Anno retching at the sugary sweetness of the story.

"Welcome back, Squiggy!" you say, holding him tight.

"How was school?" asks Rei.

"Great, thanks!" replies your son "We learnt about the Hedgehog's Dilemma, Advanced Technobabble, and Dramatic Narration, and I got my results for my Giant Robot Engineering exam today! I got an A!"

You chuckle and pat your son's head. "I'm glad you had such a great day! I've got a present for you..."

Rei passes you a little package, which you hand to your son.

He eagerly unwraps it, and opens the box to reveal your old SDAT player.

"Wow!" he gasps "But...this is yours! Are you sure I can keep it?"

You smile at him. "Of course you can. I got it from my father, so it's only right that you should get it from yours. Just take care of it" you tell him.

THE END.

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*EPILOGUE*

======================================================

"So" growls Keel Lorenz, the lights in the SEELE chamber slowly coming on "You have failed to bring about an unhappy ending. Shame on you, Gendo"

"Indeed" interjects long-nose SEELE member "We are most disappointed in you"

Gendo does not move from his signature pose.

"Pfft, all you did was turn up at the party and get your arse handed to you by the power of Shinji singing" he mutters "You can't complain"

The SEELE members turn to each other, mumbling and grumbling.

"Good point...Anyway, you must make sure that the next CYOA has a depressing ending. You must not fail us, Gendo. The Human Irritation Project depends upon it" says Keel.

"Oh, I can assure you" growls Gendo "If I have to jump between a thousand universes to get a sad ending, I will"

And for the last choice in this CYOA...

What will the next CYOA be? (Note: the next CYOA will start "from the beginning" again like this one did-it won't start where this one left off. I've done all I think I can with this timeline)

1: Asuka's Absurd and Abominable Antics,
2: Great Scott, it's Rei!
3: Gendo's Miserable Tale,
4: Kaworu's Flamboyant, Farfetched Flights of Fancy,
Or 5: A CYOA centering around a character I haven't listed here (still following the rules regarding the timeline)?

Anyway, thank you all for reading and supporting this, and congratulations to all. Until next time, that's all folks![/i]