Message In A Bottle (How the End of Evangelion Traumatized Me & How I Overcame It)

[Hopelessromantic]

May I then take a risk and advise you to follow the message of this (iconic?) picture and to actually rewrite the Evaverse as you wish it to be? And then to take effort and believe in your universe more than in Anno's? Ontologically, you're a being powerful enough to do so as much as he is. So drive him out to dance with Godzilla and build a better world - better for the characters, better in ethical sense - than he did.

Of course in your situation, and if what you want to get is closure, you should keep caution and consult a qualified therapist first. And if you don't get advised to STOP RIGHT NOW, you can try and play like that. As long as it helps, it doesn't even has to be a good rewrite, as its purpose would be to heal, not to earn fame and money. It would have one advantage though, that you would be in complete control of the subject.

In other words, stop worrying and write a fanfiction. Half of the Eva fandom is doing this, the better one.

In all honesty sounds like a solution. But I can’t help but feel that no matter how much work I could put into it, it won’t matter to anyone, or wont feel as valid as Anno’s since he was the one who made it in the first place. More than anything I want Shinji to be happy, and fulfill the archetype of my own character acting as a bigger brother to him. But no matter how hard I try, I feel like I cannot achieve that. Anno had an entire art team to back him up, to help make his dream come true. Me? I have no one. Even if I were to dedicate my life to making an Eva spinoff or alternate universe, I often question if it would be worth it. Evangelion is something that intrigues me and pains me at the same time because of Shinji. He’s the reason I keep coming back.

I daresay his happiness matters more than my own. He is an archetype that I want to fulfill, to contribute. I'd even be willing to sacrifice my own happiness for Shinji. I'm only 22 years old, but I've already lived a good life. I've seen so many walks of life, learned so much wisdom, and seen so many places around the world that if I were to die today I'd be content, except I wouldn't because Shinji is not happy. If there's anyone who deserves to be happy it's him, and I do not want to lose someone who I can call a little brother. Not after what happened to Max.

My vision of an Evangelion continuation is this: Evangelion: Re-wind. The aftershock of the Third Impact not only broke the laws of physics, but space and time itself. When Shinji reversed the effects of the Third Impact, he was completely oblivious to the fact he reversed time itself, all the way back to the Second Impact, to where the world became trapped in a time loop. History repeats itself, but the ripples of the future are felt in the past. Characters sense deja vu, have memories that shouldn’t have been there, and on one rare occasion, meet alternate selves before vanishing instantaneously. Along the way, a couple new faces appear, Danya Aloyoshenka being one of them. As NERV begins to unravel the mysterious happening, SEELE plans to initiate “Operation Endgame”, a fate worse than the Third Impact. Can Nerv break the loop and restore the world? Will the characters succeed at a second shot? That’s the world I want for Shinji.

But Anno had an entire team to make his dream come true, to make his fantasy appear on the big screen. Me? I don’t have anyone. And that hurts. As pity as it sounds, I felt if I simply wrote it all out it would simply go overlooked. I mean my Skyrim fanfiction has only seven followers, and I plan on making 50 chapters. I want my vision of Evangelion to feel validated, recognized, smiled upon. A vision that keep expanding beyond where Gainax stopped abruptly, and ties up loose ends to the origins of the angels and the first ancestral race.

If Shinji cannot be happy, if a person who feels so real to me cannot be happy, why should I? Why should I care about Evangelion? Why should I care about Shinji if I cannot save him? Why should I care about him if I'm going to lose a second brother?

I want Shinji to be happy because as of thus far, he is the only friend I have. In the wake of Covid-19 and the suicide of Max, my circle of friends has shrunk indefinitely. Either my neighbors have become reclusive shut-ins and wont accept my invites or those I've befriended have left the facility I'm at for good. No matter how many times I go for a walk or a car ride or a train ride, I still feel lonely. I've truly reached out to others, but still I feel isolated. I don't just want online friends, I want real friends of whom I can feel their company. It's been an entire year now since I've felt this way for fucks sake! The only one who goes wherever I go is Shinji, even though he is not real, his feelings are real, what I felt for him was real as well. I want him to be happy because no one within the entire city is willing to be happy with me, except online.

Fuck...this...shit...

[Hopelessromantic]

Huzzah! I have had an epiphany!

Why does anyone need to value anything? Why does value need to be a thing if all it does is paint the picture of a sociopsychological pendulum swinging back and forth? I think everyone and everything has a right to exist including me. Why does it matter how much value this person or that person has? Why do we need to treat ourselves like an item? Why shouldn't we treat ourselves like sentient beings with inherit divinity residing deep within us? Why should I value anyone if all it does is place a label on others? Why do you need to keep track of value to begin with if it constantly changes with the flow of time?

Others have suggested to me I might not be giving myself enough value. Yet the first word that comes to mind after value is item. No wonder I have such a hard time with that particular philosophy, people are not items. Things that have value are replaceable. Things that are worthy of love are irreplaceable.

All living things are worthy of love.

And love matters to me far more than value.

[Hopelessromantic]

You know the old saying, “Often it’s the deepest pain that empowers you to grow into your highest self.” That’s another reason why I keep returning to Evangelion, to place myself in more pain, to keep beat myself up in hopes it will empower me to better myself and achieve the cure others have found, and the world changes in accordance with my expectations just as the final scene of the final episode.

Today, in spite of my fears and against my need to protect myself, I am determined to finish the series. The way I see it, four things will happen. I will ascend to such a level of mental clarity that the series and everything that happened in 2020 will no longer hurt me, I will have a mental breakdown in the middle of viewing because of a trigger or two, I will simply continue to sit in my chair and do nothing, not even eat for days, or I end up in a place so dark and so deep, the only way to achieve happiness is to meet Max, Shinji, all my loved ones and archetypes on the other side.

Time to go down the rabbit hole. Evangelion is like a death sentence to me, one that’ll be my salvation or destruction. If I don’t reply in a few days, then that means the worst has happened.

But if finishing the series and watching EoE all over again means sacrificing my happiness for Shinji, so be it. I lived a good life, he deserves it.

Wish me luck.

[Berserker]

I'm glad to see that you're finally going to finish watching the whole show, which even though you should've done ages ago, it's fine since this was, simply speaking, your way of overcoming your fear and trauma. I don't really have much to say to console or give advice, which already a lot of people did here noticeably, nor that I'm good in doing so. But I will do say that please, whatever you do, don't let the worst get to you into doing something with your life. It's not worth doing so just for....anything. I believe, we've all had that moment watching Evangelion which made us reminisce about something in our life that we've long forgotten or at least tried to do so in order to move on or even not, but that something will always deepen your scars, no matter how much you try to run away from it. It's inevitable at some point of one's life. This is what Evangelion teaches us. We have to find the best among all the worst, to go ahead with our life.

Anyway, best of wishes in your completion of watching Eva. We'll be here when you finish it and will be in the need of discussing anything.

[Hopelessromantic]

Okay...so I finished episodes 8 and 9. And just as I predicted cannot stand Asuka Langely Soryu. Like I said before, I believe it’s downright immature to blame someone else for your own faults, of which she does constantly. I realize she does this because Shinji reminds her of how vulnerable she can be, but still, that doesn’t justify her actions. I remember Shinji saying, “You’re just as much a kid as me.” in reference to her. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

I'm at a program for students with mental disabilities, and I'm one of the higher functioning individuals. The goal is to encourage socialization with various activities most of which take place outside of the facility. But with Covid that plan's shot out the window and the facility has shut itself out for insurance policy. Boy you can guarantee I'll be suing this place for lack of mental support. In spite of everything I still go out and do stuff like go to the taco stand and such. But it is fucking hard to feel motivated to do fucking anything meaningful to you when you've been the only one doing it for about an entire year completely solo except Christmas. No matter how much I've made attempts to socialize, my neighbors just keep to themselves, and won't interact with me. My neighbors wont even try, they just expect the staff to do the work for them. And given the fact I am still financially dependent on my parents even though I got a job last November, I'm virtually stuck here. In a nuthouse. I've tried to gain new friends to compensate for the ones I've lost to both suicide and the pandemic, and I try to reach out to make real life friends too. But I feel it isn't enough, because I've barely gained any. And those I've gained have their own schedules and troubles. The only one I have who goes wherever I go, the only one who's been there for me is Shinji. That's why I love him, that's why I feel the need to protect him, that’s why I’m afraid to watch him suffer, that's why I want him to be happy. And why I'd be willing to sacrifice my happiness for him. As of now, I feel he's the only one who truly understands what I am going through...

Like I said before, one of the morals I initially received upon my first viewing of EoE is, "No matter how hard you try, things will only get worse". I don't wish to believe it, but it certainly feels like that. I'm so fucking upset, I've lost how many days I've cried.

[Blockio]

Dude, just..... stop. You've spent six pages in this thread talking to yourself about how you have overcome your trauma and how you have figured out your life and it's just a matter of hours before it's all over.
You're not. All you do is lie to yourself; you haven't overcome any trauma, by constantly circling back to the thing that gives you this much pain, you are holding yourself prisoner from ever overcoming it. If you have a new revelation on what you've been doing wrong and how to fix your life every other week, that's not a revelation, that's a temporary delusion and following it will only cause you more pain in the long run.
Just take a step back, and breathe. Let Eva rest for a while. Do something else, something that you enjoy. Right now, you are watching what basically everyone agrees is the fun, light-hearted part of Eva, yet you are already suffering this much; I can tell you right now that like this, you will not make it even a third of the way through the genuinely harsh part of the show.
Eva is not for everyone, that's just a fact. You have demonstrated to great effect that it's not for you, and that's okay. Don't force yourself to watch something you hate, there is no list of shows and movies that you have to see to be a valid human; everyone who tells you otherwise is a pretentious asshole, nothing more. You don't need to beat yourself up over not liking Eva. you don't need to beat yourself up over dropping Eva.
Just do something else for a while, your mental health will thank you.
One last thing, do consider getting therapy. You seem very genuinely troubled, and if you continue these self-destructive habits of yours I genuinely worry for your wellbeing.

[Hopelessromantic]

All you do is lie to yourself; you haven't overcome any trauma, by constantly circling back to the thing that gives you this much pain, you are holding yourself prisoner from ever overcoming it. If you have a new revelation on what you've been doing wrong and how to fix your life every other week, that's not a revelation, that's a temporary delusion and following it will only cause you more pain in the long run. Don't force yourself to watch something you hate, there is no list of shows and movies that you have to see to be a valid human; everyone who tells you otherwise is a pretentious asshole, nothing more. You don't need to beat yourself up over not liking Eva. you don't need to beat yourself up over dropping Eva. Just do something else for a while, your mental health will thank you. One last thing, do consider getting therapy. You seem very genuinely troubled, and if you continue these self-destructive habits of yours I genuinely worry for your wellbeing.

I appreciate your concern. You're right. I have been lying to myself, one of them being that I've seen the entire movie when the truth is I haven't, I've only seen the worst parts of it on YouTube since they were considered the most popular and praised, and over Christmas I realized that was a mistake, that I was being too judgemental. I lie to myself because I don’t want to give up on the series. I lie to myself because I want to convince myself I’m strong enough to withstand the mental stresses I receive from Evangelion. I lie to myself because I’d be willing to sacrifice my happiness for Shinji because I feel his pain. I lie to myself because I just want this loneliness, this virus, this reality of mine to be over with.

I've often been told in order for me to fully understand NGE, I need to watch the rest, see the entire thing. So despite the pain I felt in association with NGE, I trust others perception on it less that my own in the lack of direct context. And if they say that the series and the movie cured them of their depression, I trust their word over mine, because they've seen it.

I've never felt more lonely since my days in 10th grade, and there isn't much to do at all. I also keep circling back because like I said, more than anything, I just want Shinji to be happy. Until he is happy, I feel like nothing else matters. That's how lonely I've become in the wake of the Pandemic, that is how stuck I am, that is how much I care about him, that's how I feel ever since Max killed himself; I do not want to lose another who I can call a little brother.

I also keep circling back because I do not wish to be alone, and I feel the only way is through watching Evangelion. That way, I can be part of a group, something bigger than me, where I feel my actions make a difference, especially since I lost both my previous jobs which I loved very much. I've lost so much of myself last year...

I'm willing to be wrong on both sides, that NGE won't traumatize me, that what I felt was nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I'm also willing to be wrong that I don't need Eva to be happy or be surrounded by friends. The thing is I want to force myself to like Evangelion so I no longer have to be alone, because in the wake of the pandemic my circle of friends has shrunk to the point of near nonexistence. So the more I dislike Evangelion, the more I hate myself, the more I punish myself in hopes my pain will empower me to talk to others about Evangelion so I can not be lonely. But whenever I talk about how Evangelion affected me, those; (especially on Discord) made me the outcast, thus the cycle continues.

For example, I remember there was this one roleplay server I joined in hopes I could fulfill the archetype of Shinji through my OC Danya helping him achieve happiness. But the moderators deemed after the climax they were going to reward Shinji with a harem of Asuka, Rei, Kaworu and Hikari. So I argued with them that it would be missing the point entirely, that it wouldn't help him achieve true happiness or help him to learn to love himself. Their excuse, "it's not canonical" so they banned me, mind you this is one out of 80 Eva servers all of which have banned me.

I have these self destructive habits because...I feel that I've inherited them from the world I've come to know as now. Almost everyone I know is living in fear of the virus rather than being willing to connect with me. I feel I gained this detrimental mindset because of everything that happened to me in 2020; the suicide, my friends leaving for good, the virus, the breakup, the possibility of EoE predicting my future. I kept telling myself all this just pure dumb luck...but as a believer in karma...I often ask what negative vibrations I sent out into the fabric of existence to deserve this suffering, and how I can escape it.

I want to change, I want to feel that same feeling Shinji did when he realized he wanted to learn love himself in episode 26. But he makes it seem so fucking easy...sometimes I beat myself up for not changing fast enough.

I already have a therapist, but he's online. That, and he knows next to nothing about Evangelion. I fear without proper knowledge he'll fail to understand where exactly I am coming from.

I just don't want to live alone anymore...

[Blockio]

Dude, seriously. Get help. It's good that you already have a therapist, but you should absolutely tell him about how much pain Eva brings you. don't bottle that shit up just because you think he might not understand; understanding is his whole job

[silvermoonlight]

If your therapist is doing their job they should care about your personal interests, in fact they should give you advice on how to use your interests to help you, as I was told to learn to channel my emotions through writing/drawing and my therapist was interested in what media I watched and why.

[BernardoCairo]

Wait, you haven't even watched the movie? I mean, you just saw some clips on YouTube and you are already in this state. Honestly, I don't know if it is good for you to watch the whole thing. If it is true, what you just described tells much more about yourself than Evangelion. Maybe that's just not the show that you need to watch right now and that's ok.
I got you. You want to be a part of a group, right? You want other people to look at what you have to say (to acknowledge your thoughts, so you don't feel alone). Ok, that's a completely normal thing. You just need to find something you truly like to talk about.
How about you ditch Evangelion entirely? There is no point in watching a show that tortures you. Your case is even more peculiar, since you are not even able to consume it. Some may argue that you are only gonna get a grasp at it after actually going through the episodes and the movie. Honestly, I agree. But you are clearly not interested in doing that. So why even bother? Why inflict pain on yourself because of an anime that ended in 1997? I know it's hard, but I think you should consider to move on.
You say you won't be at peace until you see Shinji happy, but we already saw that at the end of episode 26. If that was not enough for you, what else can be done? This story is over and there is nothing you can do about it.
How about watching something "lighter"? Gurren Lagann, Your Name, Shape of Voice, Toradora!, HunterXHunter, High Score Girl, Happiness, Dragon Ball, Akira, Ocean Waves, Princess Mononoke, Cowboy Bebop, Kengan Ashura, Dr. Slump and Yu Yu Hakusho. These are all quality series widely discussed on the internet. Keep in mind that I just gave you some "anime/manga-related" examples. When it comes to entertaining, the options are almost limitless.
Maybe you should try to find something that you actually enjoy, rather than keep seeking Evangelion for no despicable reason. Anyway, that's just my take on it. You should consult this subject with your therapist.

[Blockio]

Also: if you have managed to get yourself banned from fucking 80 different discord servers as you claim, at some point during all that you should have stopped to think if maybe the problem is not what you say, but how you say it. I won't deny that there is the occasional place that bans people for "having the wrong opinions"; but that doesn't just happen on this many different places.

[Hopelessromantic]

Also: if you have managed to get yourself banned from fucking 80 different discord servers as you claim, at some point during all that you should have stopped to think if maybe the problem is not what you say, but how you say it. I won't deny that there is the occasional place that bans people for "having the wrong opinions"; but that doesn't just happen on this many different places.

Well in my case, I’m afraid it’s true. Admittedly the way I have said it made for a poor first impression. I was practically begging for sympathy to reassure myself I wasn’t crazy for feeling traumatized. In hindsight, it was a poor decision, because at the time I wasn’t in a proper mindset to distinguish my Eva triggers versus my trauma from 2020. So many dismissed my cry for help as a “copypasta” or “sob story”. Again, I admit my first impressions were poorly done.

But the reason why I was banned from a majority of the server was as because of this. Like I said before, some of them asked me if I related to Shinji so much, if I did anything worse than what he did to Asuka. I won’t get into specific details of what I did when I was 13, but it was something almost as obscene. I was hoping that being fans of the show, they’d also inherit the supposed lessons and understand that I knew what I did was wrong. When I told them the details they spread this information to kanh other servers to shame me of my act and ostracize no matter how much I explain myself to them. I felt like a complete idiot for having any hope for them.

[Blockio]

Dude, sorry to be this harsh, but if you're getting banned from fucking 80 different servers, that is entirely on you. you should just take a step back from the online world in general, it's clearly not good for you

[UrsusArctos]

You're crying for help, but you're crying for help in all the wrong places. You do understand that there's only so much that we can do for you, and that we've already done whatever we're capable of, yes?

Don't take this the wrong way, but there really isn't much we can do for you, and perhaps it would be better if you left this place and the other online sites. There's a whole world that exists outside of the internet - admittedly it's in a mess because of COVID-19 and other things, but it exists. And it's in real life that you'll find help. Not here.

What you're doing is self-flagellation, you're whacking yourself with more pain in an attempt to make it go away, but it's become a warm cycle of self-hatred in which you vent over here, hate yourself, vent some more, hate some more, and on and on. How's this any good?

You can get rid of the pain you've become addicted to by leaving. I wish I could phrase this kindly enough, but I think the best, most helpful thing you could get from EGF in your current state is to leave it for a long, long time. Take it and Evangelion off your mind. Find something else that makes you happy with yourself, and just let Eva go, slowly, gently, and soon you'll be as though you'd never seen it.

Whatever you do in the end, please take care of yourself. I wish you the best in life!