Lavinius wrote:^What's the matter is what might be called I guess generic depressive things, and I doubt that you could, or anyone.

Read a good book. Take things slow. Watch something that makes you laugh. Just try to relax is my advice.

Well, I was actually in a good mood today. But not now.

What happened, I hear you ask?

Skullgirls. Fucking Skullgirls happened.

I really don't know why I play video games. They bring out the worst in me- if I can't beat them (or another player for that matter) I devolve into a frothing rage of pure hatred. I'm like every COD 12 year old ever, except I'm 18, my bellows of fury are less "I fucked ur mom" and more "I will rape you, kill you and dismember you- and if you're lucky I will do it in that order". Also I tend not to actually say these things aloud as I don't want to scare my family. Considering I'm on risperidone after an incident 4 years ago when I tried to stab someone with a modelling file...yeah.

It also doesn't help that, either as a result of my autism or just being a fuckhead, I don't enjoy games the way other people do. I view them as a way to experience power and to crush helpless mortals beneath my feet, granting me glory I could never hope to achieve in real life. When people ask me "But don't you feel satisfied when you beat a really hard challenge?" I respond "No, because I was forced to wait for the victory that was rightfully mine". The whole thing feels completely joyless, the only entertainment coming from thoroughly humiliating and tormenting the enemy that dared to stand before me, be it NPC or another human being. In fact it's come to the point that I can only socialize on games with people who are vastly inferior in skill to me.

This would be bad enough if I was skilled. But I'm not. I'm a fucking spaz at gaming. Dreadful reaction speeds and poor motor controls mean that I suck at just about everything that isn't on "cake walk" mode.

The worst part is that I can't even just acknowledge I suck and not play them. My twisted inferiority complex means I can't be happy knowing other people enjoy a game I suck at. Whenever I try playing these things I genuinely wish people better than me a horrific slow death, or paralysis. I then walk away from the game shaking my head at what a fucking horrible person I am.

So why oh why did I try to get into fighting games? The genre that relies the most on motor controls and reactions?

A little bit of background on how I fight "in real life". I was bullied a lot at school. I hated those people- I rub my hands with glee when I find out the shitty places they're in now. Now quite often these other kids would attack me, so I had to defend myself. I tried to learn karate, but I sucked- I didn't have the patience and I couldn't keep still. So lacking any actual martial skill, I turned to my greatest resource- my deep well of inhuman hatred. As such, whenever I had to fight back I would aim not just to defend myself, but to inflict pain. I would bite. I would trip them up. I would claw at them. I would aim for the most sensitive targets. Once, I made the biggest boy in the school cry. And it felt good. Eventually they went from looking down on me to hating me, as I hated them.

That would be where the tale of my "fighting" would end if it weren't for the other schools I went to. One school in particular, Chelfham (a specialist school owned by The Priory Group that mostly "cared for" EBD boys) was a fucking hellhole, and the abusive staff regularly employed restraint. I would fight back just as I did in primary school, except now I was bigger. I would bite them, and when they pinned me to the floor I would scratch at their knees. I would even spit at them, just because I wanted to hurt them any way I could.

Now Chelfham was a fucking nightmare. That place damaged me. So when I went to my next school, North Hill (which also employed restraint) I was a twisted, sadistic mess of a human being. I went from someone who was bullied to a bully- and a fucking horrible one too. Unlike most, however, I didn't pick only on the weak- heck, I turned my wrath against some of the staff. I actually hospitapized a few of them. This was the school where I was put on the anti-psychotics by the way. One of the boys there told me I was a sick bastard because I hit one of the female staff. I explained to him that I didn't hit her because she was a woman, I just didn't hold bafk because she was one either. As the saying goes, I don't discriminate, I just hate everybody.

Eventually I left North Hill and my psychotic tendencies have largely gone. However I still have that same sadism, and for a while I mercilessly tormented these couple of idiots at the schoop I've been going to for a while, Muntham House (although to be fair, they started on me the moment I arrived- it wasn't unprovoked). Eventually they left and I stayed on. Of course this place is so poorly organized that nobody could stop me- in fact I managed to get a few particularly incompetent and undesirable staff discharged. It also helps that it's run by some rather sleazy characters.

So how does this relate to fighting games I hear you ask? Because I fight in games the way I fight in real life; by being a nasty bastard and just charging at people, mindlessly pummeling them with random, vicious and cruel attacks. I never block, I just rush at them and hammer the buttons until they're dead. Unfortunately, that doesn't work in games because A: I can't make Chun-Li bite someone if it isn't on her movelist, and B: players don't feel the pain their characters do. Thus I get regularly stomped. This fuels my anger and I continue to work myself into a mindset of wanting everyone else dead. I am thus laughed at, my opponents not knowing that if they had been sitting next to me I would have gouged their eyes out. And thus the cycle continues...

The real kicker? I wasn't playing online- I was playing the fucking BLOCKING TUTORIAL. Even a basic AI is enough to incite me into a bloodthirsty rage. By the time I gave up I was on the cusp of breaking my keyboard, and I wanted the developer's heads on spikes, along with the heads of everyone who enjoys hard games (and thus promptes the creation of games I can't beat).

TL,DR: I suck at games and that makes me want to kill people.

There is something very wrong with me. I am a horrible, horrible human being and I need euthanasia. I can't do anything without wanting to visit horrendous violence on someone.

If anyone is willing to give me a quick, painless death, that would be appreciated, not that I deserve one.

Chuckman wrote:Did I mention I live with a hoarder?

Come on in, honey. Mind the boxes containing every piece of mail that has ever arrived at this house for the last fifteen years.

I'm losing my mind.

No you didn't. :(

Though it sounds like you are working towards an escape plan, so there's hope yet that you'll get out of there some day. Just try to stay strong and don't let them drag you down anymore then is absolutely necessary.

OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS!!! YOU GUUUYSS!!!

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!! THERE'S BEEN SO MUCH HEAT! AND CONCRETE!!!

AND HEAT!!!

[quote="Squigsquasher":24baeih7][/quote:24baeih7]
Have you tried gardening?

Fireball wrote:Have you tried gardening?

You must really hate plants to suggest unleashing The Limey on them...

But seriously, I think that's a good idea. I grow flowers. It's a really nice means of stress relief and is good for calming me down. It's nice to have something in your care.

Gob Hobblin wrote:OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS!!! YOU GUUUYSS!!!

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!! THERE'S BEEN SO MUCH HEAT! AND CONCRETE!!!

AND HEAT!!!

Welcome back. I was just wondering where you'd run off to.

Welcome back Gobb.

Good to have you back Gobby.

And I feel you about the heat.

^It's winter down here.

Oh yeah, it's winter...
Who could have thought it'd be cold all the way down in antarctica.

Gob Hobblin wrote:OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS!!! YOU GUUUYSS!!!

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!

I was thinking of you just the other day and wondering where the heck you'd been! We have things to talk about, after all.

[quote="Squigsquasher":m6b5eb53][/quote:m6b5eb53]
Yeah....
I'm pretty glad that you didn't want to try out Dark Souls.

Catamari wrote:You must really hate plants to suggest unleashing The Limey on them...

But seriously, I think that's a good idea. I grow flowers. It's a really nice means of stress relief and is good for calming me down. It's nice to have something in your care.

I should probably give it a go. The funny thing is I'm usually pretty chill- heck, I do miniature modelling in my spare time, I love plants and animals (to the point I literally would not harm a fly) and I try and take things easy. But put a controller in my hands and I devolve into a quivering mass of rage.

Perhaps the fact that a lot of the games I played as a kid were crappy, poorly made shovelware (after I assumed that because I liked the movie, the games must be good too) didn't help.

Sgt. Griff wrote:Oh yeah, it's winter...

I hear you, man...


;)

^ Almost the same weather as England (in mid-summer) - just a bit warmer.

That's what I was thinking, for this, the hottest week of the year so far



I've highlighted the only advantage we have over our Antipodean friends.

Why does everyone insist the future will be some utopian place? It'll be just like now: they'll solve old problems only to create new ones, and some things will be different but others will remain the same. Why do so few people like the time period they were born into anyways?

Trajan wrote:Why does everyone insist the future will be some utopian place?

I can point you at quite a few people who are advising that you should just enjoy the decline.