[Fic] COMPLETE (rebuild)

[Shiro]

This is my first Eva fanfic. I was sitting in class, and some good words came into my head, so I wanted to get it down. This is an alternate retelling of Webuild. Movie 1 and Part 1 will be mostly the same, I plan to diverge after that. The following is what I got down this afternoon, a prologue of sorts. It's from Shinji's POV.



***

I was alone. There was no one. It had been a week since I had emerged, but I was still alone.

Mother.

Mother, you lied to me! I raged for the billionth time, You told me they could return! But where the hell are they? Asuka...Misato...Ayanami...ALL GONE!

I looked up; I was standing in frond of an erect pole of wood with a cross of bone nailed to the center. The sight made me choke. Tears welled in my eyes again.

"I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't...DAMMIT! It's all my fault. I CHOSE this. I made it this way. Even Instrumentality would have been better..."

It hurt. The pain was everywhere. The world was filled with nothing but pain and loneliness. I had finally found a place to belong, but it had all been taken away. I averted my eyes from Misato's grave, and my gaze fell upon the loathsome...thing in the distance. A pale reminder of Ayanami, like a statue in her likeness, split down the middle. The pain grew. I looked down, staring at the desolate ground.

"I can't take it anymore..."

I looked up, and gazed intently at the blood-red sea of LCL. I had learned long ago that this LCL didn't have the same properties as the LCL I remembered. Case in point: It wouldn't oxygenate my blood.

Perfectly calm, I walked to the shore of the sea. I waded out to where the water level dropped off, and I began to swim. The LCL was thick, and difficult to swim in. When I could no longer see the bottom, I stopped. I looked up. The sun hadn't been visible since Third Impact, but the moon shone brightly in the sky; the blood-red stain on its face shone brightest of all. I took a deep breath.

"Goodbye...Mother. I'm sorry."

And I plunged into the sea.

I swum down as far as I could. When I became tired, I floated peacefully. My memories flashed before me, but I felt no pain. My vision began to blur, but I felt warm. I smiled, and closed my eyes. I was at peace. I leaned back and rested. As the darkness began to envelop me, I felt a familiar touch on my shoulder.

"Ikari...kun?"

"Aya..."

The darkness turned to light, and I knew no more.

***


(First draft of my first ever Eva fanfic. Comments and criticism are much appreciated.)

[Sailor Star Dust]

Nice, an explanation for the Cyclical History, eh? ;)

So this takes place pre-Asuka's return and before Shinji went Batshit Insane from Isolation? ("lol HAY Asuka, since you couldn't do this with your Mom, let's die together!" ".....Not AGAIN, for the Love of---! I'll be kind to you, so knock it off already!" *caress* ".....WAHHHA! YOU'RE BEING NICE TO ME! AND I MISS MY MOMMY! " "....You make me sick.")

The only problem with this (not the fic, but Shinji doing that), is by the end of EoTV and near EoE's end, he FINALLY learned not to run away anymore. Him doing something like this would just be running away. Again. *sigh* That boy....
It'd be intresting if he somewhat remembers seeing the others (Misato, Ayanami, Asuka), but couldn't place why.

Anyway, I like what I'm seeing so far. Good luck with the rest! :)

EDIT: Since when does Shinji know how to swim? Did he learn while alone or something?

[THE Hal E. Burton 9000]

calm down, SSD

just PM Ornette and/or Tines, ask for help and you'll be fine

[Shiro]

I WAS going to have the white-out AFTER kimochi warui, and have Shinji black out in the LCL and wake up ala EoE, and see Asuka, but I didn't know how to have him die after that...so...I'll use my vision for that part later, possibly. Glad to see it's not terrible.

EDIT: Anyone can swim a little ways. He intended to die anyway... And y'know, knowing Shinji, I'm sure he was ABOUT to kill himself when Asuka showed up...Shinji-kun learns his lessons, but he can't hold himself to them, because whenever it seems like things are getting better, they get fucked again.

[Wevangeliwon]

Damn, I wish I thought of doing my take on Rebuild. Well, I have my own little project up my sleeve.

Anyway, enough about me. I can definetly seeing this as having potential. It does sound like Shinji. The problem is, it sounded like him from the start of the series. What he learnt was to accept himself and not run away, which is essentially what he is doing here. I still think it is a very good POV.

Oh, one nitpick. frond of the cross is meant to be front. Just take a quick re-read of the Misato cross part and you will see what I mean.

But you have done what few fic writers have done for me lately: caught my attention. I expect great things from this.

[The Imperialist]

Ah, somebody who understands the importance of Nietzsche's Eternal Reccurance and Wagner's Ring Cycle *applauds*

[Shiro]

@Weva and SSD: Way I saw it, is let's say Asuka never showed up. Shinji'd have believed he'd been lied to again. And he'd have despaired AGAIN. And thus, he'd unlearn his lessons that he had begun to learn. He doesn't exactly get positive reinforcement...

OK, here we go. Part 2.

(Note, the only moonspeak I will ever use in this fanfic are the honorifics. Certain things don't work as well without them)


REBUILD OF EVANGELION: １．０ （ヱヴァンゲリヲン新劇場版）
YOU ARE (NOT) ALONE
***

"We're sorry. Due to the special state of emergency, no lines are currently available. This is a recording."

"No good...I knew I shouldn't have come..."

I sighed as I replaced the phone. What was I thinking, coming here? I had decided long ago to never have anything to do with him, but somehow my feet had carried me here. And yet, it already seemed like I was being abandoned again...

I sighed again, and held up the photo I was clutching in my hand. It was of a woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties. A message was printed off to the side.

"Shinji-kun, I'll be coming to pick you up, so wait for me, OK? PS: Look here!"

An arrow was drawn from "Look here!" to her cleavage. I supposed it was supposed to be alluring; an incentive for me to show up, but I knew that wasn't why I came. I'd never really paid much attention to that sort of thing anyway.

I double-checked the address squeezed in the bottom corner of the photo, and looked up and down the street.

"I may not be able to meet her...Oh well. I'll head to the shelter."

I looked down the street one last time, and saw someone standing there. A girl. She was dressed in a traditional Japanese school uniform, but her hair was a pale blue. She had a strange, almost...angelic quality about her. She stood, unmoving. She seemed oddly familiar, but I had never seen such a girl in my life. I gasped softly, and I felt an odd pain in the back of my head. I flinched, and closed my eyes. When I opened them, the girl had vanished.

Who...was that? She seemed...

BOOM.

An explosion tore through the previously silent city. The nearby buildings shook. I raised my hands to cover my ears, and turned around towards the source of the explosion.

...What the hell?

Five UN hovercraft flew out from behind a nearby hill. And behind them was a bizarre creature. It was as tall as a large building, and it had a vaguely humanoid shape. Its face was white and nondescript, with no visible mouth and black eyes. In the center of its chest lay a large red sphere, that looked something like a core. The ground shook every time it took a step.

I gasped. What the hell is that?

（Again, comments and criticism are wonderful.)

[Wevangeliwon]

Very good. Very nice indeed.

I think this has good stuff heading its way. The POV you write for Shinji sounds exactly like Shinji would in that early part of the series. I love the fact this isn't just told from third person.

One suggestion I would like to make. This currently isn't divided up into chapters. More like scenes. Knowing how big 1.0 is, I would say you are looking at fifty misc. chunks. I would suggest actually doing in either Act (three acts. obviously acts are much bigger than chapters) or chapter format. Just makes it easier for the reader.

[Shiro]

OK, thanks. I'll remember that. And yeah, I have some really cool ideas for when I get to 3.0, but that's gonna be a while. I'm glad you like how I'm going so far.

[Shiro]

Sorry for double post, but here's a brief update before I go to bed. I know, I should have written more, but c'mon. It was thanksgiving.

BTW: This part sounds a bit weak to me, so...whatever. Sachiel destroying helicopters is a bit irritating to describe.

Well, here ya go.

***

1.1: SAITAN (さいたん）

Whoosh

I heard something whooshing towards me. Ducking, I looked up and saw missiles speeding towards the creature. I gasped. The missiles slammed into the thing, creating a large series of explosions. I covered my ears again, and squinting, I looked up. The creature was still standing, unphased.

Oh my god...

A red...blade extended from the thing's arm and plunged into the nearest helicopter. With that one attack,the helicopter was utterly destroyed. The wreckage came hurtling downwards, and landed mere feet from where I was standing.

My mind was utterly blank as I saw the creature leap forward, landing on the wreckage. The impact caused me to fall backwards. I closed my eyes, and raised my hands over my head.

Is this how it ends? Ah well.

I heard a screeching noise in front of me, and then the opening of a car door. Amid the sounds of battle and crushed steel, I heard a woman's voice.

"Sorry to keep you waiting!"

***
OK, you know the drill. Rate and review, and whatnot.

[Wevangeliwon]

Yep, since this is more like a novelization, I can't comment much on creativity and what not. But it is good description.

I know it is thanksgiving and all, but still try to resist the urge to not post much. I know it's hard (believe me, I am waiting till I finished the first few chapters of my new fic till I post it.)

Are you trying to say Satan, or am I missing something with that title?

[Shiro]

Saitan, さいたん。 I figured that someone would think that. Saitan means Rebirth, a non-traditional word. (Kousei or shinsei works better, I suppose...but saitan was the first word I remembered to mean rebirth or resurrection)

[Wevangeliwon]

Ahh. I was going to show you some Katakana if that was the case, but nevermind.

I saw you labelled the part 1.1, does that mean you will divide the story up into nine parts?

[Shiro]

I think I'm gonna go 1.1, 1.15, 1.2, 1.25 up to 1.65, since Webuild 1.0 is episodes 1-6.

And once I hit 2.0, it's gonna be far less of a novelization, since Webuild 2.0 isn't out yet. I can't exactly base a fic on a movie that doesn't exist! I haven't even SEEN Webuild 1, so it's mostly my invention, stuff I decide to change up. I've seen a list of everything that's changed in Webuild 1.0, so I'm gonna keep to that list, then move on.

[Wevangeliwon]

Hmm . . . good point. But by the time you finish 1.0, 2.0 could very well be out. And I don't know about you, but for stuff like this, I find it hard not to be influenced by the original source material.

Keep going, you know I like this, even if it is just the same stuff novelized. I know it won't be soon.

[Shiro]

Here we go. I'm finally getting to Nerv....and interactions with someone other than Sachiel...
Yet again, the first part felt weak, but I think it gets better when Shinji's doing thinking. Describing combat and hectic situations is definitely not my strongest point.

***

I looked up. It was her, from the picture. I stood up. I nodded, then walked around and got into her car. She immediately put the car into high gear and sped down the road, attempting to escape the chaos. I sat in a daze, looking straight down at the leather seat I was seated in, not thinking, not paying attention to what was going on around me. I could vaguely hear the explosions, but I didn’t bother to look up. I’d only scare myself by looking, so it was better just to zone out. It’s what I always did in frightening situations.

We finally stopped along an undisturbed road a long ways away from the battle, perhaps miles. The woman—Misato Katsuragi-san, according to the letter—pulled out a pair of binoculars, and peered at the creature in the distance. I continued to sit and stare, waiting to be given an order. She obviously saw something, because she gasped audibly.

“Woah, it can’t be! They’re going to use an N^2 mine?”

She grabbed me from behind and shoved me onto the seat, screaming, “Get down!” For a moment, I was unsure of what was going on, then…

BOOM.

The largest explosion I had ever heard in my life resounded through the air. The sky was illuminated by a white-hot light, blinding me temporarily. Where the creature had stood was a pillar of what looked like fire. It was a stunning sight, and I snapped out of my trance to marvel at it, until the backlash hit. Then, an enormously powerful wind pushed the car back, and we rolled several times before grinding to a halt. When the car was fully stopped –on its side—I couldn’t help but peer out the open window to view the explosion. I saw Misato had done the same.

I don’t know how long I sat there, staring at the explosion until it finally died down. She and I climbed out of the car. I looked around at my surroundings. Everything was destroyed. Not a singe blade of grass remained, and craters filled the area. She turned to me.

“Are you alright?”

I was, mostly, but for the first time I noticed something strange in my mouth, like dirt. It probably ended up in there when we were rolling.

“Yes, but there’s something crunchy in my mouth.”

“That’s fine.”

She put her back against the car. I followed suit.

“Are you ready? Well, here goes!”

We pushed up against the car until it was rightly standing. It was really in a bad state, dented up all over, as well as several broken windows. She clapped the dirt from her hands and sighed.

“Thanks for your help.”

I knew from experience to give the polite response, as to avoid any conflict with adults.

“Er…it was my pleasure, Katsuragi-san.”

She removed her glasses to look at me directly for the first time, and smiled.

“You can call me Misato,” she replied, “Nice to meet you, Shinji Ikari-kun.”

She knows my name, I noted. These people, his people, probably know all about me.

“Same here.”

***

(you all know the drill. I think pretty soon I'm gonna compile it into one file and put a link in the first post as well)

[Sailor Star Dust]

With how Shinji would say Misato's name or whoever, it's this: Katsuragi Misato-san.

Last name, First name, then the Honorific (-san, -kun, etc, etc).

I like what I'm seeing so far (love how you describe Rei 3 ), but it needs to be written more in a chapter format.

btw, do you have the mp3 and timestamp file of Rebuild 1.0? That should help you with knowing what's where in the film since you haven't seen it yet. (PM me if you're interested.)

What last thing: I'm secretly hoping in Rebuild 2.0 if the Cyclical History is true, that Shinji will for some reason have a nagging sense upon first seeing Asuka, but not knowing why... I'm bringing this up because including such a thing in this fic would suffice.

[Shiro]

Yes, I know...(about Katsuragi Misato-san, Ikari Shinji-kun) but I wanted to leave it in Western order because it's...well...being written by an American. The only reason I left honorifics in there at all was because Miss Misato sounds like shit, and there's no translation for kun.


EDIT: On chapters, yes, it's being put into a chapter format, it just doesn't look like it yet、because I"m putting it up as I write it. I'm going like the series, with each episode being divided in half. (Once I get to 2.0, I'll have to divide it myself...:P)

I'm going REBUILD 1.0: YOU ARE (NOT) ALONE

1.1: Saitan
1.15: *Undecided*
1.2: *Undecided*
1.25: *Undecided*

up to 1.65.

Then: 新世紀　ウェヴァンゲリヲン　劇場版　2.0　＊Undecided*

[Sailor Star Dust]

Okay. But in that case, do NOT put the honorifics with the last name when your writing in Western order. Simply leave it out in that case because it doesn't make sense.

eg: Misato Katsuragi, Shinji Ikari.

[Shiro]

Hm...I dunno. This is a first draft anyway. I guess I could just go to Eastern order for the sake of the honorifics. They're a bit of a necessity sometimes. Things get lost in translation without it, or sound like utter shit. Miss Misato bites.