So... the last few months for me have been pretty difficult. This is really hard for me to put out there, but to start to get by it, I know I have to talk about it. this was just as hard on my friends too, who I'm so glad are so understanding as to why I disappeared off the radar for over a month.
It all started a few months ago while I was out shopping. I ran into a girl I knew and had a crush on in high school. She noticed me and came over to say hello, and I was of course nervous seeing her, cause I still have a crush on her. Anyway, we started talking after I got a very nice hug, and after the usual catching up people do after seven years, she casually mentioned that she had a crush on me in high school. Now the shock of that almost put me on my ass, but I was curious as to why she didn't ask me out, and I mentioned that I had a crush on her back then, and she asked me why that would be considering I was gay.
Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being gay, but I'm not gay, I'm straight, plain and simple. But I was now very confused. So, I asked her why she thought that I was and she told me. Basically, from what she explained, she had told a few of her friends she had a crush on me, and their jock boyfriends told her to not bother because I was gay. So, she backed off and didn't think about it, and then she asked me if I was or not, and I explained that I wasn't gay, and then she felt bad... I wasn't quite sure what to say other than to ask who told I was, and it happened to be the same assholes who were the "popular bullies" who people let get away with shit just because they were popular. I think the worst part of the conversation though was after she apologized for not asking me whether I was gay or not was that it was a shame she had a boyfriend, otherwise she 'd consider going out with me, cause she still thought I was cute.
Don't get me wrong, it's great to know that she likes me, and I don't blame her for believing those assholes they were very convincing when they wanted to be, and she's a trusting person, but I digress. When I got home I realized that if those guys hadn't said anything, then I could have had a girlfriend way back in high school. Then I got to thinking about how much different things would be if I'd had a girlfriend. The problem with that is most things you regret or think could have been different is just part of life, but actually knowing that things could have been different is the worst thing in the world.
Now, I wish this was the end of it, but much to my chagrin, I ran into another girl from high school a few weeks later, and same thing, she saw me, said hello, and we talked for a few minutes. So I took the opportunity to bring up some "rumors" (basically what the other girl told me) that I heard about me being gay. She confirmed that she'd been told that by a couple people in high school (she didn't give me any names) that I was, and I explained that it was some sort of horrible prank. She felt bad (I'm not sure why tbh), and apologized for believing the rumor without asking me. I told her it wasn't her fault (it really wasn't, she didn't start the rumor), and she asked if I was ok, and I lied and said I was.
But when I got home, the rage hit me. The rage and hate from all the years of being bullied, all the rage and hate I've kept bottled up and under control, it just let loose. Everything from back then came back to the surface, and it all just made sense, why girls were always so nice to me, yet always at an arm's length, and why even after asking 11 girls to prom, none of them said yes... that rumor... that one fucking thing... changed everything. Everything I've worked for the past year and half just evaporated, and now I can't stop thinking about how things would have been different if I'd known back then and gotten ahead of it. I know I can't change the past, but its hard to get past knowing things could have been different. Having never had a girlfriend before, knowing that I could have had a girlfriend in high school, even if it didn't last, could things have been different enough to have the confidence to go out with other girls in high school or college, the possibilities are literally endless... and that's what I've been stuck in the past two and a half months, an endless loop of possibilities of what could have been and wanting a DeLorean or TARDIS (literally any time machine) to go back and Quantum Leap that shit.
Now that the depression and anger are back, the day is just hard to get through without this popping up on my mind, so yeah, my life sucks knowing this, and when people say ignorance is bliss, I can say for sure that's totally fucking accurate.
Avatar - Heero Yuy
, pilot of Wing Gundam Zero
. If you want to read my NGE fanfic go to my profile here - DarkBluePhoenix on FanFiction.net
or DarkBluePhoenix on AO3
Voted in college to be Most likely to Take Over the World
, how to do that however, will require at least Four Evangelions
. Thanks for the idea Misato-san!
"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds
." Said at the beginning of the nuclear age by J. Robert Oppenheimer.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger
." Words of Wisdom from German Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.