Sachi wrote: I really need to figure myself a routine outside of work to keep me moving, but I usually devolve into something completely unstructured relatively quickly. I hate waking up early.

Before I had the 9-5 job(actually 8-5) I have now I used to have a pretty hard time getting up early too. Started when I was 14 and went to about 25. What got me to wake up a decent hour(like 11am, haha) was that I started running Monday through Friday. I had to get up earlier than normal so that I could have coffee and breakfast and have it all settled before I went for my daily run. I really love running, and it's something ya may want to check out, though I know it's not for everyone. Especially since I know you're out in LA and it may be a little tough in that heat. Maybe see if you like it. I think it's easier than a weight lifting routine, and the chemicals that are released in your body(the runners' high) are pretty fine.

You may also want to see if there are any cool bars/clubs around that you could go to on the reg, to give you something to look forward to. I'm not sure how the whole "getting to and from the bar" thing is since you live in LA(we've got a couple trains in Chicago that run 24/7) and I'm not saying to go tie one on every week, but finding a nice place to just go and have a couple drinks and forget about the outside world and daily life can be a pretty great thing. It did a lot for me when I used to feel like BLEH.

I kind of suffer in social environments. I get anxious and desperate to escape. I've been known to disappear from parties and gatherings unannounced. I don't like being around a lot of people, and can usually only enjoy friendly company in small doses. And since moving to Los Angeles, I haven't made any meaningful friendships. Wouldn't say I know much about how to go about it. Even interactions with people I see regularly tend to be superficial and fleeting. Much of it is formal anyway, and not so much personal.

I had a bit of an existential Crisis last night. I'm better now, but I was just messed up at the time. . . after looking up what happened that anime in the recommendations thread. It just brought back a flood of bad memories about what happened back then. I cried about it, I just asked myself. Why am I enjoying things when there are REAL people who aren't fictional suffering much worse than anything I read or watch in a movie or TV show? I curled up into a ball and cried and felt miserable for a bit thinking about how horrible a person I am for not doing anything to try and alleviate the suffering in the world. Why am I watching and furthermore enjoying things that have violence, murder, rape and death in them when there are real people doing such awful things to people in the real world?

I just felt powerless and insignificant in that moment, and I hate that feeling.

Well, Ray, try looking at it this way: You're not (I hope) enjoying watching people suffer. You're watching bad things happen to people, which elicits an emotional response from you. You see them go through things, and gain an appreciation for what it's like for people suffering like that. The fact that you feel bad is a good thing. It's exactly the purpose, to create a feeling of empathy. If that desire motivates you to help others, wonderful!

Now, I don't know you personally, and I don't know your situation. So, perhaps you're simply not able to help others any more than you already are. Maybe you have to spend so much time working/studying, you simply have no time to do anything else. If so, remember that you can't right now, but see what opportunities come up. There are people in the world who, while possibly not suffering like that, definitely could use some emotional support in some way. Perhaps a family member, or a friend, who's going through some personal issues.

Again, I don't know your situation, and I'm not presuming to tell you what to do. Just some suggestions. Hope you feel better!

EDIT: Remember, taking care of yourself is most important. Only then will you be able to help others.

Joy Evangelion wrote:Before I had the 9-5 job(actually 8-5) I have now I used to have a pretty hard time getting up early too. Started when I was 14 and went to about 25. What got me to wake up a decent hour(like 11am, haha) was that I started running Monday through Friday. I had to get up earlier than normal so that I could have coffee and breakfast and have it all settled before I went for my daily run. I really love running, and it's something ya may want to check out, though I know it's not for everyone. Especially since I know you're out in LA and it may be a little tough in that heat. Maybe see if you like it. I think it's easier than a weight lifting routine, and the chemicals that are released in your body(the runners' high) are pretty fine.

You may also want to see if there are any cool bars/clubs around that you could go to on the reg, to give you something to look forward to. I'm not sure how the whole "getting to and from the bar" thing is since you live in LA(we've got a couple trains in Chicago that run 24/7) and I'm not saying to go tie one on every week, but finding a nice place to just go and have a couple drinks and forget about the outside world and daily life can be a pretty great thing. It did a lot for me when I used to feel like BLEH.

Sorry, I know this was directed at someone else but thanks. I've been going through a lot of the same issues and the bigger problem is my commute. My commute is at least an hour, which I know a lot of other people have it worse but it's been getting so grating. I have to be out the door by twenty to seven and I'm not getting home until around 7:00 most days recently. I try to psyche myself up and say "I'll start that run when I get home ..." but it's really tough and three out of the last five workdays last week I quite literally fell asleep on the ground in a pile with my dogs barely an hour after I got home. I wanted to maybe sign up for a cooking class for the double combo of maybe meeting new people as well as but time seems to just slip through my fingers. When I have to be at work late for month end it's even worse. I've been feeling like a horrible garbage person but I'm hoping reading all this can help me out.

Sachi wrote:I kind of suffer in social environments. I get anxious and desperate to escape. I've been known to disappear from parties and gatherings unannounced. I don't like being around a lot of people, and can usually only enjoy friendly company in small doses. And since moving to Los Angeles, I haven't made any meaningful friendships. Wouldn't say I know much about how to go about it. Even interactions with people I see regularly tend to be superficial and fleeting. Much of it is formal anyway, and not so much personal.

I used to do the same thing when I was in high school: I was always invited to those boring parties with lots of alcohol, dudes flirting with babes and people asking me to "have fun", which I wasn't able to do because it was like fitting a square peg in a round hole, and I always disappeared unnoticed to sadly walk home.
In retrospect I had no idea why I kept going to those parties but at the time it was something that used to depress me a lot because I thought that it was all my fault for being the only one that couldn't fit.
Luckly all things must end and high school too was behind me. I started going to University were I met people as "antisocial" as me and we formed a sort of dysfunctional group. I won't say that I'm happy, there are many days that I woke up feeling hopeless, but I'm generally happier now than I was a few years ago.
There are people out there that will understand you and appreciate you for what you are, it's not easy to find them but if search hard enough in the right places you may find someone like you.
One advice I could give you is "don't pretend to be someone you aren't". Usually when we met someone we tend to say always the same stupid, boring, fake things, leaving and receiving nothing from the conversation, but if you are "strange" don't act "normal", be "stange". Many will not find you interesting but some will and those are the really important people in life.

I spent the day with my mother yesterday. We live together, but it's rare that we ever see each other or hang out. I suspect she did so because my Aunt is worried about me (she may have noticed a bit of self-harm I did). When we sat down for dinner, we had a conversation that made me realize how depressed I am (and that I may be anemic). She says I'm too young to act this old and broken. I think I'm a bit of an antisocial asshole like my dad, and will probably end up a hermit like him as well. Talked about how I got fired from my last job for fratnerizing off the job with coworkers, and how the lesson learned there is to not socialize. My mom asked me why I don't pursue a career in audio engineering, and I told her I'm not good enough for that sort of career (even though music production is a passion of mine). Things got quiet for a moment. I couldn't really admit to her that I'm depressed and have trouble simply living day to day, and I'm sure she recognizes it but doesn't know how to address it. When I got home last night, I was a wreck. Everything seems like a chore, and I can't find fun in anything I do anymore. Unless I'm busy working, I'm practically catatonic in my room.

Sorry Sachi, hoping things improve.

Have you tried psychotherapy? It may help.

Sachi wrote:Talked about how I got fired from my last job for fraternizing off the job with coworkers,

Isn't that straight up illegal? I suppose not, as you have so little employee protection on your side of the pond - but I'm pretty sure it would be here. At least try not to take it as any kind of authoritative indication of how you should behave!

It was because as a manager (shift leader, really), I was drinking with regular crew members. A fight happened that I wasn't responsible for, which got reported back to the company. Perfect time too, as the significant cut in my income came about the same time my student loans started becoming due, adding an extra $400/month to my bills. Don't have anything to show for these loans, and they're making it incredibly difficult to justify being a full-time student this semester. I'm considering pushing back my plans yet another year or so to get a second job to pay these off. At this rate, I may never get through college, and all this debt and time invested will have been a waste.

So... the last few months for me have been pretty difficult. This is really hard for me to put out there, but to start to get by it, I know I have to talk about it. this was just as hard on my friends too, who I'm so glad are so understanding as to why I disappeared off the radar for over a month.

It all started a few months ago while I was out shopping. I ran into a girl I knew and had a crush on in high school. She noticed me and came over to say hello, and I was of course nervous seeing her, cause I still have a crush on her. Anyway, we started talking after I got a very nice hug, and after the usual catching up people do after seven years, she casually mentioned that she had a crush on me in high school. Now the shock of that almost put me on my ass, but I was curious as to why she didn't ask me out, and I mentioned that I had a crush on her back then, and she asked me why that would be considering I was gay.

Now, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being gay, but I'm not gay, I'm straight, plain and simple. But I was now very confused. So, I asked her why she thought that I was and she told me. Basically, from what she explained, she had told a few of her friends she had a crush on me, and their jock boyfriends told her to not bother because I was gay. So, she backed off and didn't think about it, and then she asked me if I was or not, and I explained that I wasn't gay, and then she felt bad... I wasn't quite sure what to say other than to ask who told I was, and it happened to be the same assholes who were the "popular bullies" who people let get away with shit just because they were popular. I think the worst part of the conversation though was after she apologized for not asking me whether I was gay or not was that it was a shame she had a boyfriend, otherwise she 'd consider going out with me, cause she still thought I was cute.

Don't get me wrong, it's great to know that she likes me, and I don't blame her for believing those assholes they were very convincing when they wanted to be, and she's a trusting person, but I digress. When I got home I realized that if those guys hadn't said anything, then I could have had a girlfriend way back in high school. Then I got to thinking about how much different things would be if I'd had a girlfriend. The problem with that is most things you regret or think could have been different is just part of life, but actually knowing that things could have been different is the worst thing in the world.

Now, I wish this was the end of it, but much to my chagrin, I ran into another girl from high school a few weeks later, and same thing, she saw me, said hello, and we talked for a few minutes. So I took the opportunity to bring up some "rumors" (basically what the other girl told me) that I heard about me being gay. She confirmed that she'd been told that by a couple people in high school (she didn't give me any names) that I was, and I explained that it was some sort of horrible prank. She felt bad (I'm not sure why tbh), and apologized for believing the rumor without asking me. I told her it wasn't her fault (it really wasn't, she didn't start the rumor), and she asked if I was ok, and I lied and said I was.

But when I got home, the rage hit me. The rage and hate from all the years of being bullied, all the rage and hate I've kept bottled up and under control, it just let loose. Everything from back then came back to the surface, and it all just made sense, why girls were always so nice to me, yet always at an arm's length, and why even after asking 11 girls to prom, none of them said yes... that rumor... that one fucking thing... changed everything. Everything I've worked for the past year and half just evaporated, and now I can't stop thinking about how things would have been different if I'd known back then and gotten ahead of it. I know I can't change the past, but its hard to get past knowing things could have been different. Having never had a girlfriend before, knowing that I could have had a girlfriend in high school, even if it didn't last, could things have been different enough to have the confidence to go out with other girls in high school or college, the possibilities are literally endless... and that's what I've been stuck in the past two and a half months, an endless loop of possibilities of what could have been and wanting a DeLorean or TARDIS (literally any time machine) to go back and Quantum Leap that shit.

Now that the depression and anger are back, the day is just hard to get through without this popping up on my mind, so yeah, my life sucks knowing this, and when people say ignorance is bliss, I can say for sure that's totally fucking accurate.

That's one place I've always been in regards to woman too. I get asked a lot if I'm gay, so often in fact that I'm not even phased when people ask anymore. Since its been so long since I've been with anyone, I joke and say I'm asexual sometimes.

What can you do about it really? People will have preconceived beliefs about you one way or another that will affect you, whether they're wrong or not. Attempts to come across as less "gay" means changing yourself into something you're not. Best to continue being yourself, and perhaps make it clear early on to people you're interested in that you are indeed interested in them (and therefore not gay). Otherwise, I say try not to let it bother you.

^ No one (besides those two girls) has ever asked me if I'm gay.The guys that spread that rumor also knew full well that I wasn't, to them it was just another sick practical joke. However, rumors tend to hold more weight because no one ever bothers to try and confirm anything, either out of laziness or complacency. No one in college thought I was gay, they just assumed that because I was so polite to women that I had a girlfriend at home, the irony of which is not lost on me.

And it is difficult for it to not get to me, considering my life was interfered with by people being cruel. It's just a shame people have so many preconceived notions, the world might be a better place if he held off our judgements until we get to know a person, and I'll never change just for someone to like me, cause they wouldn't really like me.

I guess I must just be pretty gay then.

Wow, @DarkBluePhoenix. I feel for you. While no one has ever (to my knowledge) spread that rumor about me, I definitely have had the good fortune to have a lot of people be very unkind to me when I was younger ( :sarcasm: ). I can absolutely agree with, and have felt exactly the same way, as your final paragraph. I myself always try to go out of my way to be polite and courteous to everyone, and especially to be respectful towards women. The idea that someone would take that as evidence that you must already have a girlfriend, which is why you're not hitting on anyone, is simply sad. That it is assumed that anyone who is single would have to act in a way impolite to women, just has bad implications for our current culture of male/female relations. Hope you feel better soon.

Lost my job & as a result my regular contact with friends.

@DarkBluePhoenix
Sorry man. I had to deal with gay rumors in Junior High constantly also.

@Sachi – Sorry if that response came off wrong, I doubt you're gay, people are just insensitive idiots. But you're not wrong, people assume based on appearances or action, or just because its what they do. I also appreciate what you said, it was very kind I also hope you can figure out a way to finish school. Although, if you can, try to go for part-time schooling, it should defer your student loans so you don't have to pay them, you just have to call the loan companies and tell them you're still in school, and they'll either contact the school directly or give you paperwork to send to the school to fill out. I've got plenty of student loans myself, so I hope that helps a bit.

@imprimatur13 – Yeah, in a society that wants more guys to be respectful of women, I found it both ironic and sad that being kind means you have to have a girlfriend and being a jerk (or whatever the opposite kind is) means you're single and on the prowl. Also, I can sympathize with the people being unkind. School is tough when you have to deal with sarcastic, uncaring teachers and a load of assholes who have shitty lives that want to make themselves feel better. I'll admit I had a temper in high school, and at some point dipped to the dark side and starting hitting the bullies back (chokeholds work wonders) and tbh I don't regret that decision, as it really helped me work out some of the rage. And I may not have had anyone I would have called a true friend, but the bullying dropped off a bit at least.

@movieartman – Sorry you lost your job, and I hope you find something soon, cause I know from personal experience that unemployment sucks, especially if you were friendly with a lot of coworkers.

@movieartman I hope you can find another job like this one soon.

Thanks guys!