Message In A Bottle (How the End of Evangelion Traumatized Me & How I Overcame It)

[AdamMalkovitch]

Life is like Eva, there are no right answers, you have to find your own. A main theme of the series is that "everyone has their own truth", and "only you can give yourself value" was simply Anno's truth as he phrased it circa 1996. Many other excellent points are made during both endings though, "everything is simply a matter of perspective", "as long as you are alive, you will always have the chance to be happy, so even if everything sucks, you should still live for hope".

I felt very similarly to you after finishing NGE and then EoE in high school. I was a terrible student with no plans for the future, I can't count the amount of times I cried myself to sleep or just sat in the shower pouring over the lyrics to Komm Susser Tod or Everything You've Ever Dreamed in my head. But I haven't been through nearly as much shit as you have- and that's just it. Regardless of how easy my life has been in comparison to so many others', I still have anxiety and depression. Knowing that has made things even harder, "why am I so sad if my life is great?" "I've been given every opportunity to succeed and yet I do nothing." "It's all in my head isn't it? I'm just a selfish child pretending to be fucked in the head so I have an excuse for being worthless." I started writing.

It began as a film script, everything horrible about humanity put to 2D animation and reflected back at us from a 30 foot screen. Based on a nightmare and my childhood fears, inspired by the most horrifying aspects of my favorite stories, even subconsciously drawing story beats from Xenoblade and Evangelion despite remembering their stories as a blur at the time. I hated everyone, and I wanted them to feel the hopelessness and absence of love that I felt, densely compressed into 2 hours, and I was truly willing to go through years of film school to hone myself, work my way up, and become a director. I finally had a motivation, a reason to live, and it was malice. All the characters were self-inserts, different parts of myself. The self I showed to others, my sexuality, my innocence, my rage, my subconscious, my sorrow, and my conscience. It took a few months for me to get it to a point where I had four acts, and an ending engineered specifically to create a feeling of emptiness and confusion, the same feeling many have after watching End of Evangelion for the first time, but there was no way to interpret this other than, "God hates you, life is a joke, and the Earth will one day be barren, void of any life at all."

It was at this point I had slipped entirely into a hikikomori state of life, I had shut out all others and stayed at home unless at school. One night I started watching Gurren Lagann, another Gainax production, and something interesting happened. It made me want to live. There were themes of people at their lowest deciding to make life hell for everyone else, but other people in similar situations instead opposing the hate, or simply surviving until they were ready to get back up. It made me want to fight back against these feelings instead of drowning myself in them, hoping I could just die without having to do it myself. I took up a renewed interest in animation, but in a more sincere way. I wasn't interested in a weaponized movie meant to cause people panic attacks, I instead now wanted to show people what I had been shown. I began reworking the script as a short story. I fleshed out all the characters, all the parts of myself that I hated, and called them out on their bullshit. Hopelessness was turned into bittersweet hope, fear into intrigue. The path of darkness was still there, but the cracks were filled with light.

Today, Soulless Beauty Aorta is a sci-fi horror filled with violence and anger, but dotted with hope. The ending that was once intended to create terror now is intended to be of vague hope, another chance. I've started doing things differently, I'm going for walks and longboarding [despite sucking at it], I'm trying to eat more healthy, I talked to my doctor about everything and started a new medication that seems to amplify that want to live. I don't have any answers for you, nobody does. That's what that idea is supposed to convey, in my mind, "no one can understand you except for you" isn't supposed to be a hopeless "you're on your own", but instead an echo of "everything is a matter of perspective." I'm not saying that you can find a definitive answer that solves all your problems and makes your life perfect, nobody ever does, to expect perfection is an imperfection in itself. I still have frequent panic attacks, and I still hate aspects of myself, but that's what life is about to me; overcoming obstacles, becoming stronger every time in the process, and advancing little by little with every fuck-up. Because we can never perfectly understand each other, it's also important to help each other as best we can, because that's as close as we can come to understanding, that's why I reworked SBA, and it's why I wrote this.

[ErgoProxy]

Soulless Beauty Aorta - that's a helluva title, ten times better then my A Moment Without The Sun.

[IgRAzm]

@AdamMalkovitch the story of your relationship with Eva and writing is pretty inspiring and relatable to me. Gurren Lagann, huh; watching it right after Eva was the choice I've made and and still think it was the right choice. But I admit that my psychological state was and still is pretty stable, that I don't have the heart to say that I ever had a true clinical depression.

I can't find the horror story you've been talking about anywhere. The link from Evageeks that's two years old doesn't work now.

[Hopelessromantic]

Life is like Eva, there are no right answers, you have to find your own. A main theme of the series is that "everyone has their own truth", and "only you can give yourself value" was simply Anno's truth as he phrased it circa 1996.

I felt very similarly to you after finishing NGE and then EoE in high school. I was a terrible student with no plans for the future, I can't count the amount of times I cried myself to sleep or just sat in the shower pouring over the lyrics to Komm Susser Tod or Everything You've Ever Dreamed in my head. But I haven't been through nearly as much shit as you have- and that's just it.

It was at this point I had slipped entirely into a hikikomori state of life, I had shut out all others and stayed at home unless at school. One night I started watching Gurren Lagann, another Gainax production, and something interesting happened. It made me want to live.

I took up a renewed interest in animation, but in a more sincere way. I wasn't interested in a weaponized movie meant to cause people panic attacks, I instead now wanted to show people what I had been shown. I began reworking the script as a short story. I fleshed out all the characters, all the parts of myself that I hated, and called them out on their bullshit.

That's what that idea is supposed to convey, in my mind, "no one can understand you except for you" isn't supposed to be a hopeless "you're on your own", but instead an echo of "everything is a matter of perspective." I'm not saying that you can find a definitive answer that solves all your problems and makes your life perfect, nobody ever does, to expect perfection is an imperfection in itself.

If the only one who can give me value is myself, does that mean that the feelings of all the people who value me, make me feel valued, and thus I value in return are all a lie? Does this mean I cannot give anyone any value at all? Does this mean I cannot accept their value because it was nonexistent to begin with? No, that cannot be true. There really are those in this world who love me for who I am, and I love them back. It would be an act of pure selfishness to take my own life in spite of myself.

I too have cried myself to sleep many times, and while I was in the shower as well, not just because of EoE but because of all the bullshit that’s happened this year; Max’s suicide, the breakup, Covid-19, being cursed to hell. Call me nitpicky if you must but for a long time I was under the impression that EoE somehow predicted my future. But this is not the future I want at all.

I heard on the internet that Gurren Lagaan is the cure from all the depression of Eva. Sadly I spoiled myself with it’s ending a long time ago. Simon didn’t deserve to have his newlywedded wife just disappear. If there is anyone who deserves to be happy in Gurren Lagaan for their selfless heroic acts, it’s Simon.

I’ve done something similar to your method of screenwriting. To try and cultivate my emotions from Evangelion, I’m doing some world building. Being the roleplayer I am, I made a story admittedly influenced by Eva character-wise. The story is called The Land of Galdoa, and the protagonists are a talentless boy, a scarred veteran knight, a shunned witch, a regretful dwarf, and a vengeful elf; wherein they embark on an adventure to save the future and confront their past along the way. So I’m doing what I can to cultivate my emotional garden.

I suppose there’s another reason as to why I kept obsessing over Evangelion. After Max died, I felt empty inside, having lost someone I deeply loved. I felt the need to have anyone fill the hole in my life, anyone, even a fictional character because I didn’t want to feel lonely anymore. Enter Shinji Ikari who I treated as if he was a real person, like an imaginary friend but on a deeper psychological aspect. However because I related to him on such an unrealistic sense, I also felt almost all the pain he endured, which made me feel powerless to save him. But I treated him as if he was all I had because he was someone I could truly relate to. At the time I didn’t want to lose another person who I valued, and still don’t to this day, even if they are fictional. It’ll be hard for me to let go of Shinji.

Another reason why I kept obsessing over Eva is because being left out is an insecurity of mine. And the facility I’m living is under lockdown. Crueler still is that the purpose of this is to teach students on the spectrum to socialize with the community and partake in events. With the Pandemic that plan is almost shot out the window entirely. So I try to find another group to feel a part of, so I chose to try the Eva Fandom which turned out to be way more toxic than I anticipated.

I can say without a doubt that EoE feels like a weaponized movie meant to cause panic attacks and seizures, seeing how I’ve often considered to be “a real life Ludovico Technique”, from A Clockwork Orange. The message I initially got from EoE was, “No matter how hard you try, things will only get worse”. It is really an unfortunate case of timing that of all the days for me to view it I chose this year. This year, some things were getting worse for me; things greatly affected me. The suicide, covid, the breakup. I want to believe that the universe cares about me, because I am a child of the universe like all things, and I want to believe that I can achieve peace of mind in the midst of all this chaos. If the universe doesn’t care about me, why should I care about anything? Because as Dr Seuss once said, “Unless someone like you cares an awful lot, it’s not going to get better. It’s not.”

I continued to indulge in Evangelion, to search for the answers that others claimed to have found. So I can see Shinji achieve happiness so I could in turn feel happy. But instead, I was only constantly reminded of all the pain I had been through in part of the pain Shinji endured.

But after all this time I should’ve known the answer to my newfound depression does not lie within Evangelion, but in me.

If I am the root of a problem, I can be the answer too.

Now that I think about it, sometimes one of the greatest ways to appreciate something is to move on from it.

I feel like I’ve polished every cornerstone of my conundrum, cleaned out every corner, checked and double checked every piece of the image of Eva in my head.

[Zusuchan]

I actually think EoE's ending is a cautiously optimistic one, since it says that no matter how fucked up and horrible things get, it's still possible for people to get over their problems and forge actual connections if they try really hard. It makes no balls about the huge hardship of actually doing that and the ending is vague, but I think Asuka caressing Shinji's cheek is a perfect example of what I'm talking about-despite her previous sort-of hatred towards Shinji and the fact he masturbated to her, she's willing to at least talk with him instead of just pushing him away again.

I think that resonates quite well with those who have tried to get better and have and I think it also encourages others to try too.

[ErgoProxy]

Well, in my case EoE's ending catalysed... I think it would be unwise to discuss that in this context. To talk around the awful details - know proportion, darling sir; selflessness and egoism need to be mixed in the right proportion, or you may end sliting wrists.

To try and cultivate my emotions from Evangelion, I’m doing some world building. [...] So I’m doing what I can to cultivate my emotional garden.

So this is merely a gardener job? Lucky you. I had it the hard way; before Q was released, I'd already developed a Truman Show Delusion on steroids, and I started to write with idea to fight "the studio" I was thinking I'm trapped in. Well, actually I had already decided to kill myself, to ultimately spoil the fun "they" had; still I wanted to leave some footprint of my existence. And the game became addictive. So here I am, alive and kicking.

Call me nitpicky if you must but for a long time I was under the impression that EoE somehow predicted my future

Have you heard about self-fulfilling prophecies? Sure you have. I know only one way - perhaps there are other ones - to make them lucky prophecies: to hold on to who you really are and disregard what the others are trying to sell you as truth about you. They don't know you inside-out and will never do; even Anno won't do, assuming you'll both meet in the future. So always remember how your soul had looked like before they started to format it, because the human has congenital tools to transform the world around, thus s/he ought to start using them. You and you only are free to (re)write a work of fiction to make it a myth guiding your steps in real life. You and you only are free to collect such mythos and trash the ones that make you harm. You can choose. As a human being you're equipped and empowered enough to do that.

Let this sink.

If the universe doesn’t care about me, why should I care about anything?

But - (sigh) - the universe as such truly doesn't care about us. However, the universe is built in a layered way, with each next layer providing new quaiities absent at the layer below. They call it emergence. Caring for someone is a quality emerging at the layer of sentinence. It's a sensible thing of course - but within its own layer (and maybe the layers above, if they exist or will come to existence). And since humans are sentinent, I think you should put your hopes in the mankind instead of the universe, because if you want to tell me that electrons are sentinent, I think I gonna kill you with laughter.

If I am the root of a problem, I can be the answer too.

Hah, Gavroche thinking. Cart put me in troubles, so cart must get me out of them. I'm walking this road too and well, bombs ain't rain on me.

Also, I think you should definitely play Nier: Automata, especially if you're fond on philosophy. If you can't, at least you should learn about the world and story, and the Ending E of course. There are tons of fan-made material in YouTube discussing them.

[Hopelessromantic]

the universe as such truly doesn't care about us. However, the universe is built in a layered way, with each next layer providing new quaiities absent at the layer below. They call it emergence. Caring for someone is a quality emerging at the layer of sentinence. It's a sensible thing of course - but within its own layer (and maybe the layers above, if they exist or will come to existence). And since humans are sentinent, I think you should put your hopes in the mankind instead of the universe, because if you want to tell me that electrons are sentinent, I think I gonna kill you with laughter.

The thing is, despite the fact I have questioned my faith countless times, I still want to believe that the universe or fate has a plan for us. I consider myself to be a omnist. Even though I was born and raised a Christian I find truth in any religion I look into. Religious differences doesn’t have to lead to conflict, and in all of them I believe in the truth that a higher power, being fate or karma or some other collective spiritual transcendental cosmic entity is watching over us. Sometimes I think the entire universe is a collective consciousness.

I don’t really have that much faith in mankind as a whole considering the shit I’ve seen on the news. So if anything I have more faith in what I can do to support myself and display acts of kindness, at least...I did before coming across EoE and the events that occurred afterwards. If what you insist is true; if the universe truly doesn’t care about us, then...has my faith truly been misplaced? Betrayed? Are my acts of kindness all for naught? No, that cannot be true. I believe my acts truly have made others smile, and that’s not a bad thing. I show kindness not to be repaid in kindness, I show kindness because that’s what shapes me.

But it’s hard to be kind to yourself when you’ve been feeling regretful as of late.

[ErgoProxy]

What if plan is wrong? What if the watcher is mallicious? What if the entity is imperfect? EoE explores these routes to show you the outcome. Your response is "no, that cannot be true". But reality won't kneel before your naive denial. It will eat you, chew you and spit you out if you allow it to do that. Faith is no defence against that. Raised as Catholic, I know it very well that at least Christian religion is made to allow those on top to prey on those below with no liability for their sins. What Christian religion teaches is how to be a servant, a house slave like the Bible puts it in the original. You seem to keep that worldview, at least some pieces of it, and I think this is what drags you down.

You're not a servant; you're a god among other gods. This is what mankind is. Being a god empowers to walk your own path, no matter what. So don't search for home, but build it yourself; this is what mankind expects you to do. So far you lived on social credit granted you by mankind (everyone is granted with that at start). Prove you're worthy of being respected and you can start to pay it back. Prove you're a slave and your credit line will be terminated, as everyone will turn away to talk to your master.

I don’t really have that much faith in mankind as a whole...

I'm not talking about faith, I'm talking about hope. Mankind as a whole is not a godlike entity of any sort; it's pool of our potential allies. What we're expected is to prove our worth; then we can join some alliance, to take a stand against harsh reality together.

...considering the shit I’ve seen on the news.

News are toxic trash and ads are the same, because they are intended to manipulate the audience, probably basing on behavioral psychology which is (in my opinion) a pseudoscience. That's why I stopped watching TV years and years ago.

I show kindness not to be repaid in kindness, I show kindness because that’s what shapes me.

If you don't get repaid for what you've invested, you'll bankrupt eventually and become a homeless bum. Don't be good and good only; you have to be good and smart. Even Jesus was teaching that.

But it’s hard to be kind to yourself when you’ve been feeling regretful as of late.

You lost me now. Who feels regretful for who? I don't want you to feel regretful; I want you to feel your own dormant power. Don't be kind then, but fire your photon torpedoes. We're both in Anno's dojo now, so stop trying to hit me and hit me.

[Hopelessromantic]

What if plan is wrong? What if the watcher is mallicious? What if the entity is imperfect? EoE explores these routes to show you the outcome. Your response is "no, that cannot be true". But reality won't kneel before your naive denial. It will eat you, chew you and spit you out if you allow it to do that. Faith is no defence against that. Raised as Catholic, I know it very well that at least Christian religion is made to allow those on top to prey on those below with no liability for their sins. What Christian religion teaches is how to be a servant, a house slave like the Bible puts it in the original. You seem to keep that worldview, at least some pieces of it, and I think this is what drags you down.

You're not a servant; you're a god among other gods.

If you don't get repaid for what you've invested, you'll bankrupt eventually and become a homeless bum. Don't be good and good only; you have to be good and smart. Even Jesus was teaching that.

You lost me now. Who feels regretful for who? I don't want you to feel regretful; I want you to feel your own dormant power. Don't be kind then, but fire your photon torpedoes. We're both in Anno's dojo now, so stop trying to hit me and hit me.

I’ve been asking myself that for a long time as well. And for one, I don’t think I’m denying anything nor in a naive manner. I’m simply building upon the wisdom and lessons which I have learned before stumbling across EoE wherein I was forced to question my inner beliefs and my core beliefs. If the watcher really was malicious, I’m sure my predicament and that of our world would be much worse by now. I am thankful that fate has been kind to me thus far now that I’m looking forward to the new year. If the entity is imperfect so be it, I myself am imperfect. I don’t need reality to kneel to my standards to be happy.

SEELE and Gendo were not gods, they were humans like us who were indulged in their own selfish ambitions fueled by their lack of hope in mankind. I am not a god, nor is anyone on this planet. If we were, we’d be able to turn a stone into bread in an instant. Nor do I sought to take control of anyone else’s life but my own.

If anything I keep the worldview that there are as many truths are there are people; truth is subjective. You say that Christian religion teaches us how to be a house slave, yet didn’t God aid Moses in liberating the Hebrews in Exodus? Admittedly I have questioned many passages in the bible and considered that some passages of the New Testament are inaccurate. Considering how inaccurate translation was in the old days and how often leaders (including the Romans) twisted the truth, I wouldn’t be surprised if a number of followers were misled.

I’m not always looking to be repaid. If I was I would see myself as overly dependent on that aspect. Kindness is always free. It’s not a debt, it’s a choice. It always is. I was taught to learn to pay it forward by my elders. That being said, kindness starts with the individual.

I’ve felt regretful for me, for being obsessed in Evangelion for almost a year, letting it dominate my thoughts for the majority. Well now, I feel I have well stepped out of its shadow. I’m done making excuses. I don’t need to hit you, besides, doing so would be meaningless. I needn’t make others suffer for my own personal faults, it’s not worth the time or effort. I think it would be best if I stepped out of the Dojo and turned my efforts elsewhere.

[BusterMachine4]

I’ve felt regretful for me, for being obsessed in Evangelion for almost a year, letting it dominate my thoughts for the majority. Well now, I feel I have well stepped out of its shadow. I’m done making excuses. I don’t need to hit you, besides, doing so would be meaningless. I needn’t make others suffer for my own personal faults, it’s not worth the time or effort. I think it would be best if I stepped out of the Dojo and turned my efforts elsewhere.

Do that, definitely. If you're truly feeling like you can stop letting this show overshadow your life, we can't help you anymore. You'll have to go out and find the answers to your own personal questions yourself.

[ErgoProxy]

Perhaps he's right. It's a shame; I would gladly learn about differences between Catholic and Protestant interpretation of Christianity. But in the end, I am not in position to make you do anything for my selfish pursuits.

I don’t need to hit you, besides, doing so would be meaningless.

I was thinking that you could teach me something this way. Besides, that was a passage from The Matrix...

I think it would be best if I stepped out of the Dojo and turned my efforts elsewhere.

...and this is the hit. Godspeed!

[Hopelessromantic]

What I really appreciate about Episodes 25 and 26 are it makes if feel that the Human Instrumentality Project is a necessary step in mankind’s evolutionary progress in order to avert their own extinction, that SEELE’s plan, however misguided their ethics were, succeeded in one of the best possible outcomes, wherein through the process of instrumentation, the cast including Shinji were able to overcome their fear of abandonment and learn their self worth, and from this enlightenment rejected instrumentality.

Both episodes are thought provoking, and go deep into the psyche of each of the main protagonists to complete not just their storyline but their existential dilemmas as well. I felt quite the opposite with EoE, among other aspects including the fact I saw it first before attempting to watch the series.

Now that I think about it, there was a passage in Doctor Nerdlove’s article that said, “But the root issue here isn’t Shinji’s fear of connection or self-absorption, it’s his unwillingness to confront it honestly or work to find a solution.”

Maybe in the case of me, I was in a similar predicament, wherein I was unwilling to confront it by becoming obsessed with Evangelion placing myself under the illusion that if I were to get to the bottom of this franchise which many others have claimed to have cured their depression, I would achieve the same and overcome all the pain I gained from 2020.

But I was wrong.

Although it hurts to admit, I truly was using Evangelion as escapism from the pain and loss I endured this year, and the trauma which EoE itself had brought up, walking a razor-thin line between reality and Evangelion.

Not anymore. Shinji is not the person I want to be anymore, I want to be me, I’ve been missing myself for a lot. But because this world has changed so much I admit, I had a hard time recognizing myself as well. I knew well who I was before 2020 happened, but now I feel the need fo regain myself, as well as the things that bring me happiness.

[Hopelessromantic]

Sometimes the best way to appreciate something is to move forward.

Thank you all for getting me this far. But it’s time for me to sail away, spend time with those I love, and journey into the new year. I hope your journey will be memorable.

This is Hopelessromantic signing off.

[ErgoProxy]

Not so fast; I saw you peeking here.

Sorry for silence; I was unsure how our talk is perceived by the rest of community. Anyway, follow the link and don't give up!

[Hopelessromantic]

A user named OrgasmAndTea decided to write this for me upon reading how EoE negatively affected me. To me, it’s not just the story that feels uplifting but the fact that someone would take the time and effort to write one for me. I hope you all enjoy it as well, he deserves an audience. It is a wonderful gift I wish to share.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/c0mk419jqm15c ... b.pdf?dl=0

[Hopelessromantic]

“As subjective as truth may be, only I can feel what is true to me.” - Hopelessromantic

Merry Christmas to one and all.

[ErgoProxy]

Hey, I've skimmed the story, but I got weary pretty fast - not because it's poorly written, but because I'm a poor English reader. Seems that English writing and reading skills are wired in different parts of my brain and the latter part is less developed.

Also, I felt a bit uneasy when reading soemthing that was written specifically for another person and mentions the delicate matter of communion of souls during Instrumentality. It was like reading someone's diary; certain people may like such feasts, but I'm not one of those.

Merry X-mas to you too, and may the next year be better for you than 2020.

[AdamMalkovitch]

Soulless Beauty Aorta - that's a helluva title, ten times better then my A Moment Without The Sun.

Lol thanks man, I wanted to name it like how Anno named Neon Genesis Evangelion, inspired by the naming convention of a lot of Japanese fiction, [Mildly related cool word], [Mildly related cool word], [Name of actual core thing in the story]. In this case Aortae are robotic humanoid shells with organic human vitals, meant to hold a human soul to survive the apocalypse. Gee I wonder if I'm an Eva fan

[Hopelessromantic]

Scene: Drunk Bay. The westerly winds brush the waves against the rocky shore. I’m meditating in a bathing suit with a Dharmachakra hanging around my neck, to remind myself that this is world is my reality, and the reality I wish to be a part of. I’m conversing with myself.

“As subjective as truth may be, only I can feel what is true to me.”

“What is true to you Sam? Where is the solution? What is your method to moving forward?”

“The truth lies in the here and the now.”

“Where in the here and now?”

“I don’t know. Right in front of me?”

“Is that your answer?”

“All this time I thought Evangelion would hold the answer to my depression. But now I see I’m the answer.”

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“The answer.”

“What’s the question?”

“Which way is forward?”

“I’m not sure. I’ve done what I can to put the pains of the past behind me.”

“And what have you done Sam?”

“I made new friends, even though they’re online. I got a new paying job at a grocery store. I took the Covid test and here I am, in the Caribbean with my family. I swam, I laughed, I drank, I sailed.”

“Why are you still being pessimistic?”

“Because I want my life to get better. But so much has happened beyond my control yet affected me directly.”

“Anything else?”

“I want to regain my confidence, I want to regain much of myself that I lost this year.”

“There’s always next year to do so.”

“What about the here and now?”

“This isn’t about the here and now, this is about you and how. How do you see yourself in the here and now?”

“Moving forward.”

“And how do you do that?”

“Where do I start?”

“Where else?”

“The here and now.”

I smile as my mother and sister join me. It’s time to head home. I look forward towards the new year.

[Hopelessromantic]

The Judgement:

*The Court of Mental Health is in full affect! Judge Fate residing. In the case of Samuel Coolidge vs Neon Genesis Evangelion, the prosecuting attorneys are Spirit, Ego, and Samuel Coolidge. The defendants are Shinji Ikari, and the collective of EvaGeeks and Neon Genesis Evangelion.*

Judge fate: Order in the court! Samuel Coolidge, take the stand!”

Samuel Coolidge (me): *raises right hand*

Fate: “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?”

*raises my hand* “Yes your honor.”

Evangelion is herby accused of the following:
- Traumatizing Samuel through emotional-hypnotic imagery and overwhelming sound.
- Inducing nightmares of him causing a psuedo-mass extinction.
- Inducing dual personality disorder.
- Inducing suicidal thoughts and tendencies.
- Weaponizing anime to brainwash his psyche.

Fate: “This sounds like a serious offense Samuel. I hope you know what you’re talking about.”

Ego: “As of the moment I speak for him your honor.” *standing proud and defensive like a knight in shining armor.*

Fate: “Has he given you consent to do so?”

Ego: “...yes.”

Fate: “...if you insist. What about you spirit?”

Spirit: “I’m unsure...honestly they both dragged me into this mess. I wanted to remain uninvolved, so I may be unstained, remain pure.”

Fate: “You two brought in a witness without his consent?”

Ego: “Objection! He was wounded! Spirit had no idea what to do. Without me he would’ve turned out worse. He’s nothing without me!”

Samuel: “You wield a double edged sword ego. In this instance I thought you to protect us both, but instead you kept cutting me down. In turn I put up walls around my heart.”

Ego: “Stop using Eva metaphors! All they ever do is hurt you-I mean us-I mean-“

Fate: “Order! Order! Spirit, what do you have to say?”

Spirit: “I take what lessons I can. Admittedly some are obscure and contradict my own beliefs. Those I usually pass along to Ego to contradict for me. Ultimately I felt content before Evangelion. I felt validation. I felt I knew what I believed in. Until...”

Fate: “Until you came across Evangelion?”

Spirit: “I suppose if I had to be nit-picky...there are a couple of quotes of wisdom I would learn from the series. I just feel...overwhelmed. Overshadowed.”

Fate: “Overthought?”

Spirit: “Yes.”

Fate: “Overthinking is common among depression. I can count how many times you Samuel Coolidge succumbed to it. Has anyone suggested meditation and...how do you quote, ‘cultivating your emotional garden’ to counter this?”

Samuel: “Yes your honor.”

Fate: “Why haven’t you done so.”

Samuel: “Because I wanted to face my troubles instead of run away from them.”

Ego: “Haven’t you figured out there is no running from your inner demons?”

Samuel: “Yeah. I cannot get rid of my inner demons. Only learn to live with them.

Ego: “And it is I who keep those monsters at bay.”

Spirit: “Are you certain about that?”

Ego: “What are you playing at?”

Spirit: “One could argue spent so much time around our inner demons you’re starting to become one of them!”

Ego: “Impossible!!”

Fate: “How do you plead Samuel?”

Ego: “He doesn’t plead to anything old man!”

Fate: “Silence!”

The prosecutors: “...”

Fate: “Let us turn our attention to the defendants.”

Samuel Coolidge is hereby accused of the following:
- Lack of knowledge of the series.
- Upholding the expectation it would be a “happier ending” based upon the opinions of others.
- Upholding the expectation it would “cure me” of my depression based upon the opinions of others.
- Projecting my inner being into the shoes of a fictional character.
- Introjected a fictional character’s experiences, pain, and suffering within my own inner being.
- Using my newfound obsession with Evangelion as a form of escapism to keep myself emotionally afloat among Covid-19.
- Using my relationship with a fictional character to justify my traumatic experience, prolonging the obsession further.

“Understandably certain events have proceeded which no doubt have affected you in a detrimental way. However, let me remind you all these events have nothing to do with Evangelion whatsoever! Who among the defendants shall take the stand.”

Shinji Ikari: “I will.”

Fate: “Shinji Ikari, proceed.”

Shinji: “I am the brainchild of the anime creator Hideaki Anno, as are my fellow characters. I was never made for...well, I could argue I wasn’t created for a lot of things. I was fantasized, sexualized, fetishized, pornafied...”

Fate: “Give us nothing that isn’t relevant son.”

Shinji: “Yes your honor. I was created in the series as a character to portray Hideaki Anno’s thoughts and emotions. I was made to suffer in the series in order to convey a message to the viewer.”

Fate: “And what message might that be?”

Shinji: “My creator said that there is no correct interpretation of the series, that it is up to the viewer to determine.”

Fate: “Whatever interpretation hangs above Sam, it seems to be bringing him down.”

Shinji: “Well your honor, he has felt almost nothing but pity for me.”

Fate: “And why is that?”

Shinji: “Well...I...” *looks to Samuel* “To summarize it, I’ve been through an enormous amount of trauma for a pubescent. At least that’s what been portrayed by my creator as my character within the given timeline of the series, but that’s all there is to it. Ontologically speaking, my character like any other in the fictional aspect is expendable and therefore improvable. Samuel chose to relate to me because he’s been through his own turmoil as well in a similar period in time.”

Ego: “The fuck do you mean by that?”

Fate: “Language in the court!”

Shinji: “I think it would be best if I showed you.” *passes the synopsis of NGE and EoE.*

Fate: “These...actions are without a doubt questionable. I can see how anyone can be disturbed at the very least.”

Ego: “So why can’t we hold Hideaki Anno accountable?”

Spirit: “Doing so is beyond our control. Even if we did, how would that benefit us in the long term?”

Fate: “This all seems to be coming together. But...I cannot help but feel there’s something else missing.”

Samuel: “There is something missing your honor.”

Fate: “And what might that be?”

Samuel: “I...I never saw the entire movie.”

*gasp*

Ego: “You idiot! I’m supposed to protect you! How can I protect you if you hurt yourself?”

Samuel: “I’m not!” *pounds my first on the table* “I’m being honest with myself and everyone else around me. I’m done with your antics involving Eva. When you say you want to prove you’re not crazy all you’re going is neglecting me for some fucking anime! I’m done with you making the decisions for me!” *every word I say makes Ego shrink in size*

Fate: “And so it has come to pass.”

Samuel: *looks at the judge astonished* “You knew?”

Fate: “I always knew. But there are those who you’ve neglected to tell.”

Samuel: “All eyes are on me.” *sigh* “I only saw the worst parts of the movie on YouTube because they were the most popular. Being the skeptic I was I wanted to know what I was getting myself into. I was afraid. So I drew my own conclusion based on what I gathered or in this case, lack thereof.”

Fate: “Yet you feel it backfired?”

Samuel: “In a manner of speaking I suppose I backfired myself. I confess of the main reasons why I became obsessed with Evangelion, mainly with Shinji Ikari is because of Max. In my life he was like the brother I never had. It broke my heart to hear he killed himself. At the time, I was short on friends. I wanted someone to relate to, someone I could share my pains with, someone to fill in the void. Enter Shinji Ikari. I suppose you can guess what happened from there.”

Shinji: “Samuel...”

Ego: “Objection!”

Spirit: “Hold it!” *looks over to me* “Samuel...you cannot blame the damage you’ve done to yourself on a film. All things considered not everything that happened in 2020 was your fault, but neither all what happened to you was the fault of Evangelion. Max’s death was not your fault. You still love him very much, but nobody can truly replace him.”

Fate: “Do you any anything else to say in your defense Samuel?”

Samuel: “No.”

Fate: “How does the jury find the verdict?”

“GUILTY!!”

Fate: “Samuel Coolidge, for your self-deceitful nature, you have been found guilty!”

Samuel: “...”

Fate: “What others have presented to you as a means of assistance, you have refused almost at every turn. Until the day you, ego, and spirit can work together I suggest you stay away from the franchise altogether. Case dismissed.”

Samuel: “Where do I go from here?”

Fate: “You’re free.”

Samuel: “Wait...I can just walk out the door right now? What about prison?”

Fate: “Take a good look around you Sam, you’ve already been living in one.”

Samuel: “You’re right.”

Fate: *points to the door which opens* “You wanted to know which way was forward Sam. Well, there’s your answer.”

Spirit: “You’ve done enough Sam. I’m proud of you. It’s time to move forward. I’ll be with you all the way come rain or shine, whether you’re happy or sad, even when you’re lonely. I will never abandon you.

Samuel: *hugs Spirit* “Thank you. But there’s something I must do first.” *walks to Shinji* “Are you going to be alright?”

Shinji: “Don’t worry about me, I can take care of myself. As a matter of fact I already have.”

Samuel: “Truly?”

Shinji: “Haven’t you figured it out by now? What’s the title of the final episode?”

Samuel: “Take care of yourself.”

Shinji: “Which is also means it is time to bid farewell.”

Samuel: “I don’t want to leave you stuck in the dirt.”

Shinji: “Samuel, there is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story. The place where Anno stopped. And we both moved forward.”

Samuel: “But where will you end up?”

Shinji: “That’s something only fate and I can determine. I mean, yeah, laying on a beach with Asuka next to a sea full of orange primordial soul soup sucks the biggest balls, but where else could I go from there? What else could I do?”

Samuel: “Move forward.”

Shinji: “Exactly. That’s what I learned, and something you still can do.”

Samuel: “Take care of yourself Shinji.”

Shinji: “Tell yourself that as well Samuel.”

*Samuel walks forward, but Ego is still there curled up, much smaller than when he first arrived.*

Samuel: “Ego, cmon. Let’s get going.”

Ego: “I feel so numb, so small, so insignificant. What’s the point in moving forward? What’s the point in protecting you if I’m only going to end up hurting you?”

Samuel: “Because I love you ego, no matter how small, insignificant, or numb you may feel. You’re still there, you’ve been a part of me since birth. I will never forsake you.”

Ego: *allows Samuel to pick him up and hugs him passionately.*

Samuel: “Time to move forward.”

*Samuel walks forward, out the door, with spirit, ego at his side.*