Message In A Bottle (How the End of Evangelion Traumatized Me & How I Overcame It)

[Zusuchan]

Hopelessromantic, I fully agree with Derantor and Melkor that not watching works that you continue to talk about isn't awesome in any way. You should get some help for your mental problems, instead of further criticizing and commenting on works you have never seen and can therefore never hope to accurately and sufficiently comment on, not to mention the high risk of making yourself look like a fool.

Our point can be well seen in you saying that Q utterly ignores the morals of the original show, despite the fact that it certainly doesn't. Like Freaky said, it's an unique film and one viewing certainly isn't enough to understand its point or even its plot. It's a masterful rug-and-pull first at the beginning and then again at the end. NTE has a very similar main moral thesis to NGE, it's just presented in a widely different way-and it's not entirely similar, after all.

At the end of the day, I hope you'll go by our wishes and seek out some help, because that's the best thing for you to do.

[Hopelessromantic]

Recently I have been attending therapy. I’ve also been doing other things to occupy my time and cultivate my mental garden. Now that I have finally obtained a job I can focus on other things. I understand you guys are not qualified therapist. Nonetheless I feel grateful for your efforts to help. You guys don’t sound harsh at all.

Like I said before, I usually like to know what I’m getting myself into first. Sometimes I like to consider others opinions to decide what’s worth my time, as is the case with any other media, hence why I am skeptical with the Rebuilds. I’m forming my analyses on the characters based upon the research I’ve done.

As I’ve said before one of the main reasons why I continue to not watch the series or the rebuilds (other than seeing episodes 25 and 26) is because of Shinji. I, more than anything, want to see him happy. And when I see them suffering through so much needless torment it pains me, because I relate to him so much because he reminds me of what I used to be. As ridiculous as it sounds, I felt so sorry for all he’d been through, and second handedly for all I had been though, that I’d have meltdowns almost every night. Furthermore I don’t wish to see Shinji kill his best friend Kaworu because of what happened this year to my own best friend.

My logic may seem strange indeed. One metaphor I like to use for the Evangelion dilemma is, “You can’t make a vaccine without the sickness existing.” The sickness in this instance being the trauma that EoE resurfaced. In order to make a vaccine you have to study the sickness and what caused it. I respect NGE for it for what it is, I just don’t appreciate how it monumentally triggered me, or things turned out for me after viewing the movie in January of 2020. One of the things that helps give me closure is timing. I felt this year was harder on me than it should’ve been. Melkor said that after viewing Evangelion he took a few years off from the subject entirely, which is something I’m considering doing.

One of the problems with having Aspergers for me is that whenever a subject lingers in my mind for too long it becomes latched like a parasite and becomes much harder to put down. I’ve recently been coming to terms with the possibility that Evangelion is something that can never be fully understood.

If any of you have seen the movie A Clockwork Orange, you might remember the Ludovico Technique wherein Alex is forced to watch ultra-violence films coupled with his favorite musician; Beethoven in order for the doctors to break him. In my personal opinion, EoE is a real-life Ludovico Technique.

Ultimately I keep coming back here because I want to create closure for Evangelion and I. And here I am trying to fill in the blanks.

[Arcadia's legacy]

Furthermore I don’t wish to see him kill his best friend Kaworu because of what happened this year to my own best friend..

If it's any consolation, Shinji does no such thing in NTE

[UrsusArctos]

One of the problems with having Aspergers for me is that whenever a subject lingers in my mind for too long it becomes latched like a parasite and becomes much harder to put down.
<snip>
Ultimately I keep coming back here because I want to create closure for Evangelion and I. And here I am trying to fill in the blanks.

Now I understand. Congratulations on getting a new job!

Nevertheless, you really do have two options, like the others pointed out. Take a few years off Evangelion like Melkor did, or fill in the blanks by watching the rest of the show. The way I understand you, the only way for you to get closure for Evangelion is to watch the show in its entirety, and I suspect you understand this deep down within. But you're in denial about it and you keep coming here because you want us to help you come to terms with it. But we can't do that. The only person who can do it is you. And you can do it only by watching the episodes you haven't seen.

Prep for it by listening to the Japanese audio but not watching it. And then go ahead and listen to the English audio. And then watch it dubbed or subbed. That should make things easier for you. But do it on your own, because none of us can help you beyond that.

[FreakyFilmFan4ever]

Try watching it along side some other anime. Watch an episode of NGE first, then watch something cute and light-hearted to cleanse your palette. (Maybe Squid Girl? Or Azumanga Daoh? Shows like that help me get through a lot of unbearable "required viewing" anime.) NGE is 26 episodes and a movie, so I would probably line up an equally-lengthen anime or line up several smaller anime to watch after each NGE episode. (For the movie, almost anything by Hayao Miyazaki, Mamoru Hosoda, or Makoto Shinkai will definitely help.)

[Zusuchan]

FreakyFilmFan4ever wrote:
(Maybe Squid Girl? Or Azumanga Daoh? Shows like that help me get through a lot of unbearable "required viewing" anime.)

Or what about Anno's own Kare Kano? A masterful, truly great show that's rather lighthearted. It does feature main characters who aren't that well off mentally, but a big part of the show is about recognizing them and getting better nonetheless. It's also not "deep" in the same way as NGE, but aesthetically immensely enjoyable.

(For the movie, almost anything by Hayao Miyazaki, Mamoru Hosoda, or Makoto Shinkai will definitely help.)

The key word being "almost"-Princess Mononoke is rather dark and both Porco Rosso and The Wind Rises have a more "mature" subject matter and aesthetics as well. And in terms of Shinkai, 5 Centimetres Per Second is pretty melancholic. Can't speak for Hosuda, not having seen a single work of his.

[Berserker]

For the movie, almost anything by Hayao Miyazaki, Mamoru Hosoda, or Makoto Shinkai will definitely help.

I wouldn't recommend watching Makoto Shinkai ones to Hopelessromantic if i were you. Even though they do have a lot of sci-fi aspect in them, they're mainly based on reality and the hardship of it. They're obviously very emotional and deep if you're related to those. It's probably too risky to recommend those to him. The rest are fine and must to watch.

[Zusuchan]

Well, Miyazaki also makes things based on reality and its hardships, so...I don't exactly understand what you're getting at. Totoro and Kiki are great films (that I'd personally call masterpieces) and they're certainly lighter than NGE, but they also discuss death, taking care of your brothers/sisters, growing up...real-life issues.

[Berserker]

Ghibli films still have a rather enjoyable and light hearted side comparing to Shinkai ones. The art style and the plots with fantasy,fictionality most of the time with the realitistic aspect make it pleasent,heart warming and yes,of course emotional. But it's about comparison. Shinkai ones punch you on the gut from beginning.
It's completely your personal choice to find which one is better and more emotional. I don't have any right over it. I'm just giving my personal opinion and suggestion over it.

[IgRAzm]

Once again I happen to agree with Berserker's view. All of the Shinkai I've watched is sorta designed to be an emotional gutpunch (with varied success, frankly, but still definitely worth a watch, especially when one's in the right state of mind for them), while nothing of Ghibli really leans that hard into this aspect, they often make the whole world sorta reflective of the hero's view, and, unlike maybe some of the other characters who aren't as central to the story, that view is never entirely and depressingly bleak. Even the darkest one, Mononoke, remains hopeful through and through at the core. Who knows, might be these other works were what sorta prepared me for Eva, as it was gradually going more and more upsetting in this special, spiritual Japanese way.

[Hopelessromantic]

Maybe I will give Kare Kano a try. I am familiar with many films by Studio Ghibli, and seen films such as Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, Princess Mononoke, and the Tale of the Princess Kaguya.

I’ve decided to make a list for my own mental well being and for others too, The End of Evangelion Relief Package.

-Learning the (Love) Lessons of End of Evangelion by Doctor Nerdlove
-Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
-The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
-When Zachary Beaver Came to Town
by Kimberly Willis Holt
-Kurt Cobain on Identity | Blank on Blank
-Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans (2015)
-Irresponsible Captain Tyler (1993)
-Ghost in the Shell (1995)
-Kare Kano (1998)
-Gurren Lagann (2007)
-Evangelion: Re-Take - All Ages Edition
-Evangelion: Re-Take - After
-Ad Astra (2019)
-Pacific Rim (2013)
-Scott Pilgrim Vs The World (2010)
-The Kings Of Summer (2013)
-The Breakfast Club (1984)
-Treasure Planet (2002)
-Stand By Me (1986)
-Move Along by All American Rejects
-Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles
-Three Little Birds by Bob Marley
-Don’t You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia
-Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls
-What I’ve Done by Linkin Park
-Boulevard Of Broken Dreams by Green Day
-Beautiful Day by U2
-Baba O’Riley by The Who
-Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself by Jesse Glynn
-Drive by Incubus

[Hopelessromantic]

Nevertheless, you really do have two options, like the others pointed out. Take a few years off Evangelion like Melkor did, or fill in the blanks by watching the rest of the show. The way I understand you, the only way for you to get closure for Evangelion is to watch the show in its entirety, and I suspect you understand this deep down within. But you're in denial about it and you keep coming here because you want us to help you come to terms with it. But we can't do that. The only person who can do it is you. And you can do it only by watching the episodes you haven't seen.

That is true. I understand you guys can’t do that for me. nevertheless, I desired to talk to others who have a better understanding than I do so I can gain any amount of solace. Sometimes I wonder if I can do both. If all these emotions and misfortunes are a matter of timing maybe this year is not the right time to view the series.

Ultimately I want to be willing to watch the show and appreciate it like others have, but I am scared to do so because of how EoE hurt me and the events that occurred afterward. I’m worried not just for myself but worried for Shinji too. It pains me to see him suffer, and I more than anything want to see him happy. As strange as it sounds, that’s how much I relate to him, because I at one point in time was almost exactly like him.

[ErgoProxy]

Nevertheless, I desired to talk to others who have a better understanding than I do so I can gain any amount of solace.

Hmmm.

Hopelessromantic, if this helps, you could end taking more-or-less the strategy of Nana from Elfen Lied (do not watch that), and for eight years when human brain is the most plastic and able to learn things, firmly believe this is how the normal life looks like and will always be. So you would try and keep calm as much as you can, plus trust what the Church says, that your bullies are your fellow human beings you are obliged to love and forgive, merely hoping for the day they will change their ways on their own. And carry on your cross.

Probably you wouldn't end with PTSD. Still, you would probably end socially impaired for the rest of your life, while able to recall your memories, your hopes and dreams from before, when you were not.

I’m worried not just for myself but worried for Shinji too. It pains me to see him suffer, and I more than anything want to see him happy.

May I then take a risk and advise you to follow the message of this (iconic?) picture:

SPOILER: Show

- and to actually rewrite the Evaverse as you wish it to be? And then to take effort and believe in your universe more than in Anno's? Ontologically, you're a being powerful enough to do so as much as he is. So drive him out to dance with Godzilla and build a better world - better for the characters, better in ethical sense - than he did.

Of course in your situation, and if what you want to get is closure, you should keep caution and consult a qualified therapist first. And if you don't get advised to STOP RIGHT NOW, you can try and play like that. As long as it helps, it doesn't even has to be a good rewrite, as its purpose would be to heal, not to earn fame and money. It would have one advantage though, that you would be in complete control of the subject.

In other words, stop worrying and write a fanfiction. Half of the Eva fandom is doing this, the better one.

As strange as it sounds, that’s how much I relate to him, because I at one point in time was almost exactly like him.

I couldn't finish Q for years and what allowed me to do this eventually, was to acknowledge and affirm that Shinji is Anno's self-insert and not mine. This way I could redirect all the unpleasantness aimed onto me back to him, because somehow the show wasn't capable to scratch me anymore. Because it wasn't me onscreen. And all was right with the world.

I don't know, if this solution will work in your case, but hell, it is some kind of solution.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I felt so sorry for all he’d been through, and second handedly for all I had been though, that I’d have meltdowns almost every night.

That's not ridiculous at all. That's how good art works for everyone with iron pegs for suspension of disbelief. Which shifts the perspective to another plane, that you are in posession of some unique and valuable skill they will never be able to learn, but will be quick to pretend they have it, or to dismiss it as ridiculous, because muh position in muh social circle.

One of the problems with having Aspergers for me is that whenever a subject lingers in my mind for too long it becomes latched like a parasite and becomes much harder to put down.

And one of the problems with schizophrenic psychosis is that you don't know which thought you can trust, especially when you're in denial, but you can clearly see that something is going on. Personally, ten years ago I just sat down and started to write, with intention to sit down again later and analyze the material. While I haven't done it yet - at least not thoroughly - I think this activity paid off. In a way. Mostly because we live in interesting times, when the only way to secure your work before hungry eyes is to switch off your internet connection. Windows have backdoors now, you know.

[Hopelessromantic]

May I then take a risk and advise you to follow the message of this (iconic?) picture: and to actually rewrite the Evaverse as you wish it to be? And then to take effort and believe in your universe more than in Anno's? Ontologically, you're a being powerful enough to do so as much as he is. So drive him out to dance with Godzilla and build a better world - better for the characters, better in ethical sense - than he did.

Of course in your situation, and if what you want to get is closure, you should keep caution and consult a qualified therapist first. And if you don't get advised to STOP RIGHT NOW, you can try and play like that. As long as it helps, it doesn't even has to be a good rewrite, as its purpose would be to heal, not to earn fame and money. It would have one advantage though, that you would be in complete control of the subject.

In other words, stop worrying and write a fanfiction. Half of the Eva fandom is doing this, the better one.

I attempted to do something similar of the sort. In fact, if I remember correctly, the character Maya once said, “It’s a matter of perspective”.

Rather than doing a re-write, I wanted to paint the picture that is The End of Evangelion differently. What I did was a took scenes from the third impact and the finale, re-edited it (cut out some of the more grotesque and epileptic shots) and re-scored them with different music to make them feel more grandiose and less psycho-emotionally hypnotic, much like an AMV. Personally I feel proud of them. I wanted to share them so I tried uploading it to YouTube. Sadly, the video was blocked in all countries. According to the website the reason for that is because it contains copyrighted content owned by Khara studios. To me this is really unfair as there are thousands of other videos of the movie on YouTube which others simply cut and pasted from the source material which was on public domain. Moreover the said source material was, “Neon Genesis Evangelion & Tool, The End of Evangelion and the Holy Gift”. When I called them out for misidentification and blocking content which is already in public domain, they sent me a copyright strike!! I tried talking to YouTube support about it, but they said they were unsure if my dispute was justified. This makes me upset and humiliated that I cannot share my works because other people said so.

Personally, I don’t want to create an Evaverse on my own.
Acceptance is something I’ve come to learn and adapt to over the years. There are things beyond my reach that I simply cannot control. The Japanese swordsman Musashi Miyamoto once said, “Truth is not what you want it to be; it is what it is. And you must bend to its power or live a lie.” And I’ve accepted the truth that much of what happened this year is not because of EoE. The fact that the only one who can truly help me is me, and I value myself, as well as many other things to which I wish to place more of my time and effort into; to do the things that make me happy.

Maybe accepting reality is easier than I make it out to be, I just need to keep practicing mindfulness and worry less. With each sentence I write, I can slowly feel the threads between me and Evangelion unraveling.

[ErgoProxy]

When I called them out for misidentification and blocking content which is already in public domain, they sent me a copyright strike!!

Do you mean Khara?

I don't live in USA, nor in Japan, so I'm not quite familiar with the copyrights law & policies they employ. But I keep seeing everywhere these notes of "I don't own any copyrights" or "The copyrights belong to The Extraordinally Evil Yet Powerful Zaibatsu", or anything. If you tried to add such clause to your video and still got bounced off the wall, then I think you have fair reason to be upset.

On the other hand, hypothetically: if you would merely cut out few scenes of the movie, change the background music to something you neither composed nor performed on your own, and try to upload that resource to some service of mine, I'd have to respond in a similar manner. Not because of what you did, but because of what kilotons of smartless, though rich enough trash would do, using your case as precedent and excuse. If their practice of uploading copyrighted content with minor changes would become common, it would starve the whole industry together with all the artists employed there, who just earn for living and keep delivering us with high quality art. Because yes, it is perfectly possible with the technology we have.

Some lies about internet are just lies and probably the most insolent one is that internet is progress because it makes the resources you put online free for everyone. But being a child in a country once rebuilt using the communist recipe can teach you few things about what is progressive and what is not.

Personally, I don’t want to create an Evaverse on my own.

It's your choice which I respect.

Still I dare to disagree with your interpretation of Miyamoto, in the spirit of this passage from Misato: "sometimes you need a little wishful thinking just to keep on living". Acceptance of harsh reality is of course important, but mere acceptance of harsh reality is not enough.

But this is your life and your way. Keep on it.

Maybe accepting reality is easier than I make it out to be, I just need to keep practicing mindfulness and worry less. With each sentence I write, I can slowly feel the threads between me and Evangelion unraveling.

Hope that this will work out for you, if this is what you need. Godspeed!

[Hopelessromantic]

Do you mean Khara?
But I keep seeing everywhere these notes of "I don't own any copyrights" or "The copyrights belong to The Extraordinally Evil Yet Powerful Zaibatsu", or anything. If you tried to add such clause to your video and still got bounced off the wall, then I think you have fair reason to be upset.

On the other hand, hypothetically: if you would merely cut out few scenes of the movie, change the background music to something you neither composed nor performed on your own, and try to upload that resource to some service of mine, I'd have to respond in a similar manner. Not because of what you did, but because of what kilotons of smartless, though rich enough trash would do, using your case as precedent and excuse.

Yes, I mean Khara. Indeed I did include a passage that said, “I in no way, shape, or form claim any original ownership to the following content. All copyright and credit belongs to Khara.” Although according YouTube, adding such a clause is not a legitimate reason to file a dispute. What IS a legitimate reason is if the footage is in public domain and no longer protected by copyright, which The Third Impact from EoE is. In fact I downloaded the footage from an Italian dub of the footage. If you don’t know what an AMV is, it means, “Anime Music Video”, which I for one made, and still it got blocked. Not only that, but the footage they claimed I used was inaccurate, in other words, the wrong source material. And yes, I believe I al rightfully upset at that.

If any of you guys have an alternative you know of I would appreciate it greatly.

[BusterMachine4]

If any of you guys have an alternative you know of I would appreciate it greatly.

You could just upload it to Google Drive. They don't really file copyright complaints on there.

[Derantor]

Not only that, but the footage they claimed I used was inaccurate, in other words, the wrong source material. And yes, I believe I al rightfully upset at that.

Eh ... but you did use copyrighted material? You can be upset that you got caught, but it's not like it's Khara's fault for protecting their intellectual property. The fact that you (most likely illegally) downloaded it from an Italian dub has no relevance whatsoever.

[Hopelessromantic]

Eh ... but you did use copyrighted material? You can be upset that you got caught, but it's not like it's Khara's fault for protecting their intellectual property. The fact that you (most likely illegally) downloaded it from an Italian dub has no relevance whatsoever.

The italian dub itself was on YouTube, as hundreds of other clips of the exact same footage I used. Why am I the only one getting blocked and not them? Personally I feel targeted.

Another reason why I choose not to write my own fanfic is because I am worried that the act of writing fix-fics are a form of denial, as I myself felt in a stare denial back in the starting months of 2020, not long after I saw EoE. Back then I tried to write an alternative ending to Evangelion. Looking back upon it I felt it was incredibly shallow. I even wrote a song to the rhythm of Komm Susser Todd, but with more uplifting lyrics, which in my opinion also felt shallow.

[ErgoProxy]

Personally I feel targeted.

That's an illusion.

You're underprivilleged and the kind of privillege you're requesting comes with theft, hunger, hunting people and keeping mouth shut about all of that. And since many can't stand this kind of pressure for too long, they use art to boast about their trophies, because art is ambigous and wrapped with the robe of genius creator. Yet the truth is one and the same since ages: king Midas has donkey ears.

Perhaps I'm wrong, so please treat this as cynical approach of a naive man who was once taught a harsh lesson of life, and because he was naive, he could misunderstand it.

Another reason why I choose not to write my own fanfic is because I am worried that the act of writing fix-fics are a form of denial, as I myself felt in a stare denial back in the starting months of 2020, not long after I saw EoE.

I don't believe denial is utter evil, you know. What I believe is, to change your reality you need to enter the state of mild denial, because most of people around are content about status quo and so they will do anything to keep any instigator under control, eg. by making him believe he has no power to change anything. And this idea has to be denied.

Back then I tried to write an alternative ending to Evangelion. Looking back upon it I felt it was incredibly shallow.

It doesn't have to be profound, it does have to bring you closure. Aspirin is aspirin; it doesn't matter was it boxed shine and dandy by Big Pharma, or personally distilled from the willow bark. Sure, the latter tastes awful, but when you forget about the placebo effect, it works the same way.

I even wrote a song to the rhythm of Komm Susser Todd, but with more uplifting lyrics, which in my opinion also felt shallow.

Perhaps you're right. Still, that's merely opinion of single person. You can try and share your work, not necessarily at public channel; forum's private messages were devised for a reason. If someone here cares for helping a fellow human, or simply is curious, she or he will notify you.

Mind that you're only 22. Artists can mature slowly; I started producing some good things only in my 30s and all I made before were pure trash. But I was collecting my tropes since I was 5yo. And when you have your own collection of tropes, it's exactly like Tabris says in Q: to make good art all you need is practice and more pracitice. Writing anything may lead you nowhere, but writing nothing will lead you nowhere for sure.

The question is, do you want to walk this road.