End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

[Hopelessromantic]

What if I don’t need Evanglion to make myself more emotionally stable?

There’s a quote I like to go by. “You can never get rid of your demons, you can only learn to live with them. Eventually, your demons will learn to live with you.” Thus far, this demon has been a really tough one to combat.

I find it really abstract how people believe the solution to my trauma is affiliated with the very thing that triggered my PTSD.

Then again, man fears what it doesn’t understand. And I barely understood EoE before watching it, save for it the synopsis.

The human mind can be just as helpful as it can be destructive.

I’ve been counting my blessings which have helped somewhat.

[Melkor]

If you want to understand Evangelion, then just watch the anime already. You say you want help and created this thread for that reason, but so far it seems all you've done is just ignore or shoot down just about every idea and suggestion people have made to try to help you, and have continued to reiterate the same points over and over again. I don't want to sound rude or harsh, but I have to ask, do you actually want our help, or do you just want an echo chamber? Just being 100% with you. If you want to truly understand Evangelion, then you need to watch it for yourself and come to your own conclusion, not read some articles or synopses about it. If you have the time to keep posting about it, then you definitely have the time to watch it. What's stopping you from watching the anime, other than sheer laziness?

The fact that you believe that everyone turning into LCL is equivalent to dying shows that you don't actually understand what happened, because if you had watched the anime it explains the lore and mechanics of LCL and AT fields and how what happens to everyone is not in fact death or a death equivalent, because something similar happens to Shinji in a prior episode where he is absorbed into Unit-01 for an extended period of time, his body dissolving into LCL, but he is eventually able to reform and come back from it. The same thing that happened to Shinji then is basically the same thing that ends up happening to everyone else in End of Evangelion, but on a grander scale, and like with Shinji they too can all come back the same way he did.

[Hopelessromantic]

The fact that you believe that everyone turning into LCL is equivalent to dying shows that you don't actually understand what happened, because if you had watched the anime it explains the lore and mechanics of LCL and AT fields and how what happens to everyone is not in fact death or a death equivalent, because something similar happens to Shinji in a prior episode where he is absorbed into Unit-01 for an extended period of time, his body dissolving into LCL, but he is eventually able to reform and come back from it. The same thing that happened to Shinji then is basically the same thing that ends up happening to everyone else in End of Evangelion, but on a grander scale, and like with Shinji they too can all come back the same way he did.

I can see how you’d come to that conclusion. What I’m trying to say is that in the real world, turning to LCL can’t happen. When I witnessed it happen, I was under a false sense of realism because I placed myself too far in Shinji’s shoes with little to no knowledge of the show. In my personal opinion, the only thing close to LCL in this world is a psuedocoma, which I don’t think should be necessary for anyone in order to find their self worth.

I read a formerly blacklisted novel called Johnny Got His Gun, an anti war novel where a soldier lost his legs, arms, mouth, nose, eyes, and ears to a mine in World Was 1. He ends up being a prisoner inside his own body, or in this case, a pseudocoma. It is one of the worst things that can happen to a man in my opinion. Metallica wrote a song about it called, “One”.

Now that I mention it, the fact that I’m comparing LCL to a pseudocoma could be evidence that I still have more to understand. Still, it’s nonetheless an unsettling concept. For all humanity to surrender their individuality...can you imagine how boring that must be?

I’ll get to the show when I can. The only thing stopping me from watching the show now is that I’m on vacation with my mother. I want to keep her company. I keep writing because this...I don’t mean to sound redundant, but writing is a form is self therapy, where I try to explain to myself or others how my mind works, what affects it, and how.

[Melkor]

Did all of humanity really surrender their individuality by choice though? The choice to begin and end Instrumentality both rested on Shinji, so in a way, he made that choice for them. They had no say in it, it just happened, and if they resisted their AT Fields were forcibly brought down by the Reis. This presents somewhat of an ethical debate on whether it was right for Shinji to allow Instrumentality to occur and force humanity into something that most of them did not consent to. Most of the people around the world as Instrumentality was occurring were probably scared out of their minds and had no idea what was even going on. Those that did accept it likely either accepted it out of fear or were tricked into accepting it by the Reis transforming into people they loved. Can you really say it was a choice made freely when most of them didn't even understand what was going on or why any of it was happening at all? For it to be a truly free choice, they have to know and be fully aware of what they're consenting to. Shinji's later decision to end instrumentality was in part him coming to the conclusion that everyone should be able to make the choice for themselves rather than being forced into it, and so they were given the option to be able to return.

[Hopelessromantic]

Did all of humanity really surrender their individuality by choice though? The choice to begin and end Instrumentality both rested on Shinji, so in a way, he made that choice for them. They had no say in it, it just happened, and if they resisted their AT Fields were forcibly brought down by the Reis. This presents somewhat of an ethical debate on whether it was right for Shinji to allow Instrumentality to occur and force humanity into something that most of them did not consent to. Most of the people around the world as Instrumentality was occurring were probably scared out of their minds and had no idea what was even going on. Those that did accept it likely either accepted it out of fear or were tricked into accepting it by the Reis transforming into people they loved. Can you really say it was a choice made freely when most of them didn't even understand what was going on or why any of it was happening at all? For it to be a truly free choice, they have to know and be fully aware of what they're consenting to. Shinji's later decision to end instrumentality was in part him coming to the conclusion that everyone should be able to make the choice for themselves rather than being forced into it, and so they were given the option to be able to return.

You’re right. It wasn’t their choice, thus makes it all the more unsettling. As I’ve stated before, In my personal opinion, the only thing close to LCL in this world is a psuedocoma, which I don’t think should be necessary for anyone in order to find their self worth. In all honesty however, I think I’m getting off topic.

Nevertheless, I am feeling more emotionally stable and feeling more confident in myself.

[pwhodges]

What I’m trying to say is that in the real world, turning to LCL can’t happen. When I witnessed it happen, I was under a false sense of realism because I placed myself too far in Shinji’s shoes with little to no knowledge of the show. In my personal opinion, the only thing close to LCL in this world is a pseudocoma, which I don’t think should be necessary for anyone in order to find their self worth.

It's fiction; so it's free not to mirror the real world. It's fine to get sucked in to a fictional realm as part of the process of enjoying the story, but you need to be able to separate yourself from it as well.

[Hopelessromantic]

It's fiction; so it's free not to mirror the real world. It's fine to get sucked in to a fictional realm as part of the process of enjoying the story, but you need to be able to separate yourself from it as well.

At first, it was hard to separate myself from Shinji because I decided to relate and resonate myself to him before knowing much about him to begin with, which gave a false sense of realism, which was a mistake on my part, as I pulled myself too far in. I know that my emotional reaction to the movie is legitimate. To this day. I am still trying to deconstruct why I forced myself into Shinji’s shoes while at the same time trying to develop emotional recovery, trying to live with this mistake that triggered my PTSD, and how to prevent it from happening again.

How can I tell myself what makes me different from him, better than him, without comparing myself to him?

[pwhodges]

Do you know Hunter x Hunter (the full-length 2011 version)? If so (and only if so, I guess, because it's not entirely self-explanatory) this video about the character Killua Zoldyck might have some relevant points for you.

[Hopelessromantic]

You guys are right.

All this thinking about Evangelion is currently leading me in circles. I’m attempting to deconstruct my understanding of how I felt during EoE, but in the process it keeps bringing back up the overall subject, and reinforces my skepticism.

I should just let these troublesome thoughts to rest and wait until I’m ready to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion.

[Hopelessromantic]

You guys have been selfless, and willing to help me with my current predicament despite the fact I have been stubborn. And I wish to thank you all.

However, I believe you all deserve the right to know the truth.

I’ve been lying to you, and to myself.

I didn’t watch all of End of Evangelion, the only clips I had the misfortune to come across and chose to watch are the hospital scene, Asuka’s death battle, the third impact, Shinji’s mind trip, Shinji in instrumentation, and the end.

It was a mistake that I am willing to live with. But the biggest mistake I made was misjudging this movie upon seeing those bits, and creating a fabrication that the entire movie traumatized me when really...it was just those parts. It was a defense mechanism, a misguided method of self-justification that told me I knew enough about the series, when the reality is I didn’t.

If you guys refuse to speak to me upon reading this, I understand. From this moment on, I need to start being more honest about myself, and how to be more open minded about things such as End of Evangelion, and how to deal with scenes such as this.

I am grateful that you guys has sacrificed your time to go the extra mile, and be willing to offer me advice which has ranged from critical to supportive, and all of it I ought to heed. You guys truly are some of the kindest people I’ve had the privilege to meet on the internet.

I am wrong, and I can accept that. Now, I need to start getting myself together, build myself back from the ground up.

[Hopelessromantic]

I was frustrated that I ever came across End of Evangelion, thinking it was a mistake. But in reality, the mistake was that I took one of the worst possible routes to acquaint myself with the series, which produced undesirable results.

I’m not lying to myself anymore. I’m not telling myself to be ashamed of my PTSD anymore. Yes, it is unfortunate that I gained it. Yes, unfortunate that I was triggered. But that’s in the past. I can’t change it or forget it, but I can put it behind me. I’m putting Evangelion aside. I’m not focusing my efforts on it any longer until I feel ready to tackle the series. Im not deflecting your advice any longer.

I’m accepting the mistakes I’ve made. I’m accepting myself for the mistakes I’ve made, even though it hurts. I no longer feel the need to tell myself I’m better than Shinji, because I’m still comparing myself to him. I am not Shinji. Shinji is Shinji. I am Samuel. The only person I need to compare myself with is me, who I’ve become, and how I took control of my life, how I made it this far despite life trying to break me.

I’m not taking my own life. I feel it is wrong. I know it is wrong. There are so many people in this world who love me, and it would be devastating for me to take my own life. I love them, I love them so much, and now I’m finally starting to see the weight of the lie which I’ve made myself.

I don’t know Evangelion until I’ve seen it. And I want to accept for what it is, just as I want to accept myself for who I am and what I’ve done, despite the hardships it has given me and the illusions I’ve set for myself. I’m tearing down this barrier.

As I write this, tears are coming from out my eyes. I neither know whether these are of joy or sorrow, but they’re out of change.

Seven months I’ve fought this trauma, like a warrior battling his equal foe, dueling till his blade becomes blunt. I think it’s time to put up the sword for a while, and allow my troubles to rest.

Thank you, all of you, so much for helping me.

Some songs that have helped me so far:

Iridescent - Linkin Park
Beautiful Day - U2
You’re the Voice - John Farnham

[Hopelessromantic]

While exploring the internet, I found an article that talked about the Evangelion Manga series. The article supposedly had a more uplifting feel to the evangelion series. It also talked about how minor changes made a major impact upon the characters and the overall story for better and for worse. Hearing that Yoshiyuki Sadamoto wanted to create something uplifting in comparison with Anno’s work really restored my faith in Evangelion.

Upon reading about it, I reflected on how the series ending of NGE and End of Evangelion were complimentary, and theoretically coincided with each other, like Yin and Yang. It was then I thought the same could be said for Anno’s version and Sadamoto’s version.

Then I had an epiphany. The creator of the series, Hideki Anno went through all the trouble to give such an ending that shocked us and left us feeling empty, or in my case emotionally scarred. Perhaps Anno gave us this ending, The End of Evangelion to encourage us to create our own alternative endings, maybe he made it so we wouldn’t have to think of such a scenario for ourselves.

Now that I think about it, it EoE didn’t happen, we wouldn’t have such enlightening and wholesome works like the manga series, Evangelion Re-Take and Re-Take After. I’m starting to feel a new appreciation for End of Evangelion, and moreover a new appreciation for my emotional recovery, and my sense of self discovery.

To those of you who helped me, no words can express my gratitude.

Link: https://www.cbr.com/evangelion-manga-be ... anime/amp/

[Shun]

Many people don't like Sadamoto's manga, because it's less complex than the TV series, but I really like it because there are some different character's backgrounds and various interesting topics. I recommend it, in my opinion it can help you, there are nice moments, delicate moments, educational moments, and the drawings are very beautiful.

[Hopelessromantic]

Many people don't like Sadamoto's manga, because it's less complex than the TV series, but I really like it because there are some different character's backgrounds and various interesting topics. I recommend it, in my opinion it can help you, there are nice moments, delicate moments, educational moments, and the drawings are very beautiful.

I’ve heard the manga is different to the series but also very similar. I’ll make sure to take a look at it. Btw, I watched the first two episodes of NGE and so far I feel emotionally stable, and invested as well. I’ll make sure to check out the manga when I can.

[Hopelessromantic]

There’s something I still don’t understand. Well, first off, I understand that the characters in Neon Genesis Evangelion have a unique way of resonating with the audience. And I understand how the audience can sympathize with them and relate to them.

But what I don’t understand is how some people think this is the only work of fiction in existence that they can relate to. Im sure there are other works out there in the anime world and in other genres that are in a league of their own.

As I’m slowly inches my way into the series, I see comments left and right. “Asuka is best waifu! Shinji x Kaworu forever! Eva 01! No Eva 02! End of Evangelion is anti suicide and anti depression!” I feel like I have one leg in the bandwagon and one foot out.

[Hopelessromantic]

Not so much that, as "If you make no effort to help yourself, then don't be surprised if your world goes to hell all around you." Far from decisively accepting himself as per the TV end, EoE!Shinji just drifts and tries to hide from life.

Another thing that kept me from being honest with others and myself about this sooner, is because I wanted to hide the fact that I misjudged a movie when it triggered my PTSD. I was always afraid of people saying to me, “It’s fiction! It’s just a movie!” True as that may be, it still had a negative effect. Before I saw that movie, I had become an independent mature adolescent. I was living on my own, cooking on my own, shopping on my own, traveling on my own as well.

I was afraid to be honest about how this movie triggered me because I didn’t want others to take away the life I worked so hard fo achieve. I didn’t want to be put in a mental institution.

Now, I recognize the mistakes I made.

[pwhodges]

But what I don’t understand is how some people think this is the only work of fiction in existence that they can relate to. Im sure there are other works out there in the anime world and in other genres that are in a league of their own.

Evangelion has a particularly powerful impact for some people. But it is far from the only series that different people react strongly to.

[Hopelessromantic]

While listening to the radio, I came across the song, “Imagine” by John Lennon. It was then I made a discovery. Maybe this song is what humanity existed in the primordial soup that is LCL is like, both frightening and enlightening. The song in its own way is a more uplifting perspective on LCL.

Something else that intrigues me are the pros and cons of rejecting and accepting Instrumentality. How do you define your sense of self when merged with the rest of the human race? How do you define human aspects in LCL? Or do you supposedly ascend from human aspects altogether?

[pwhodges]

You've put this post in two threads; doing that is much disapproved of here.

[orcot]

Something else that intrigues me are the pros and cons of rejecting and accepting Instrumentality. How do you define your sense of self when merged with the rest of the human race? How do you define human aspects in LCL? Or do you supposedly ascend from human aspects altogether?

To be honnest the idea is less bad then you imagened, take for example the idea that in the future people could scan your brain and put a working model into a computer. first taught is yay inmortality, but let's say you are split in choosing a carreer or becoming a family man. Or how different your life would be between playing it safe and going out all wild. The end result being that you make multiple copies of yourself, that if their life turns out succesful you plan on recombining again into yourself into the future. Now imagen you choose a particulairy career and are offered to join up with a professor in that field, would you do it?

A similar story ones happens in warhammer where a strong warrior is allowed to soul bond with the emperor becoming one single being, however this is like a single photon being added to the sun. It would be suicide that said, look at pictures from when you where a child, what happenend to the kid in a way it died to make place for you, sure it is still in their somewhere but not completly and now you are more. To be alife means you change and inmortallity will change people a lot.
Onces we have inmortality the next question will probably be how much do we allow ourself to change. Because eventually we become something unrecognisable, would a cave men recognize us as human dressed in textiles on our computers fridges filled knowing what we know?