Message In A Bottle (How the End of Evangelion Traumatized Me & How I Overcame It)

[Hopelessromantic]

That's an illusion.

You're underprivilleged and the kind of privillege you're requesting comes with theft, hunger, hunting people and keeping mouth shut about all of that. And since many can't stand this kind of pressure for too long, they use art to boast about their trophies, because art is ambigous and wrapped with the robe of genius creator.

I don't believe denial is utter evil, you know. What I believe is, to change your reality you need to enter the state of mild denial, because most of people around are content about status quo and so they will do anything to keep any instigator under control, eg. by making him believe he has no power to change anything. And this idea has to be denied.

You can try and share your work, not necessarily at public channel; forum's private messages were devised for a reason. If someone here cares for helping a fellow human, or simply is curious, she or he will notify you.

The question is, do you want to walk this road.

I know the feeling of being targeted is an illusion. But still, it really makes me upset that hundreds of other unedited clips of EoE (Including Asuka’s battle and The Third Impact) still reside freely on YouTube in public domain while my own AMV got blocked. I feel it is very unfair and needless. I wanted to create this artwork not to boast about my trophies, but to make myself feel better and share it, to show that music can change the mood of a scene.

The state of denial I was in the aftermath was refusing to believe that such a fate ever happened to Shinji; that what I saw was just a bad dream and not canon; that this wasn’t what Hideaki Anno originally had in mind. Looking back I see that this may have been an unhealthy mindset.

While I believe I cannot change how the movie (and the events that followed shortly after) affected, I deny the concept that it has to remain that way, because it doesn’t. Still, I do accept that there are some things beyond my control. I cannot force Hideaki Anno to redo the entire Eva series the way I want him do, and even if I could, I feel that wouldn’t be worth my time and effort.

As for the road I wish to walk, no. Not yet. I feel I must place my efforts into the things which I value moreso before turning my attention towards such. I believe I need a new therapist.

[ErgoProxy]

Okay then. Do as you will and never regret.

But since you've turned this down... there is still a lot of artwork, more or less official, clearly suggesting that Shinji & co are just actors who enact on stage; and when the show is over, they altogether jam the bar and then go back to their normal life. Little to no fanwork pictures convey such message; instead, they try to wrap the viewer in the illusion even more - the illusion tempting you to admit that the show is as real as the world around us is. Maybe even more real, as it evokes stronger emotional response of a spectator. Such perspective can be, and probably should be, seen as unsound.

If this doesn't help, maybe try to learn what katharsis is and how should it work, because in Q one of SEELE

SPOILER: Show

just before he's turned off by Fuyutsuki & Gendo

says it almost outright that this is their goal. Personally, for me the kathartic moment was

SPOILER: Show

Asuka almost yelling through the cellphone to Mari, why she had to talk to Shinji in Wunder's quarantine.

Strange but true.

I wanted to create this artwork not to boast about my trophies, but to make myself feel better and share it, to show that music can change the mood of a scene.

Sadly, as soon as money appear at table, the game changes though no rule changes, because, you know, the rules are written so that the cassino is always a winner.

I know there is plenty of YouTube clips which, in theory, should be taken down. I don't know what kind of deals the people owning these accounts made with the copyrights owners. I never heard about such deal myself (though I heard about people making money from seeding torrents at large scale). Still if I was to make a bet, I'd bet this game is set.

You can feel upset, but if you want to accept and embrace reality, may I suggest you to redirect your anger on those who lied to you that the game is fair? If I was told the game is set, I wouldn't spent half of my life on praying for justice; instead, I'd devote myself to learning tricks, because then I could bring justice myself (and lie that I didn't).

I cannot force Hideaki Anno to redo the entire Eva series the way I want him do, and even if I could, I feel that wouldn’t be worth my time and effort.

It's not about Anno, its about you. You can not redo. And yet you can redo. If you only feel it's worth it. If you don't, then duh, man; I feel otherwise and so I quickly jumped into an attempt to contaminate you with the idea. Seems I'm still a naive man, who just shrugs as he contradicts himself from one post to another.

[Hopelessromantic]

There is still a lot of artwork, more or less official, clearly suggesting that Shinji & co are just actors who enact on stage; and when the show is over, they altogether jam the bar and then go back to their normal life. Little to no fanwork pictures convey such message; instead, they try to wrap the viewer in the illusion even more - the illusion tempting you to admit that the show is as real as the world around us is. Maybe even more real, as it evokes stronger emotional response of a spectator. Such perspective can be, and probably should be, seen as unsound.

I know there is plenty of YouTube clips which, in theory, should be taken down. I don't know what kind of deals the people owning these accounts made with the copyrights owners. I never heard about such deal myself (though I heard about people making money from seeding torrents at large scale). Still if I was to make a bet, I'd bet this game is set.

You can feel upset, but if you want to accept and embrace reality, may I suggest you to redirect your anger on those who lied to you that the game is fair? If I was told the game is set, I wouldn't spent half of my life on praying for justice; instead, I'd devote myself to learning tricks, because then I could bring justice myself (and lie that I didn't).

It's not about Anno, its about you. You can not redo. And yet you can redo. If you only feel it's worth it. If you don't, then duh, man; I feel otherwise and so I quickly jumped into an attempt to contaminate you with the idea. Seems I'm still a naive man, who just shrugs as he contradicts himself from one post to another.

Now that you mention it, what you said reminds me of episode 25 and 26, wherein during Instrumentality, we see one shot of Shinji sitting in the middle of an empty theater, and another shot where he is reading a miniature booklet. This reminds me of a quote from Shakespeare; “All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts.” This provides me some closure. EoE on the other hand reminds me of this quote by the same author, “Life’s but a walking shadow; a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury; signifying nothing”. Two sides of the same coin.

It’s not the fanwork that places me under an illusion, it’s the characters. Shinji and Asuka, mainly because they remind me of who I once was, which makes them feel like they’re not just actors. The characters feel more real than the show itself, which truly pains me to see them suffer since it reminds me of my own suffering, especially with all that had happened this year i.e. my best friend committing suicide shortly after viewing the movie.

The thing I dislike the most about 3.33 is how virtually everyone despises Shinji for starting the Third Impact even though it was planned from the start. That and how many things in 3.33 seem to contradict 2.22 according to research I’ve done thus far. I just cannot help but feel so incredibly sorry for the way he’s being treated on both sides being so sympathetic with his pain.

As for redirecting my anger on those who lied to me, I have already tried that twice. Once wherein I submitted a dispute to Khara claiming they couldn’t block my content since it was in public domain, and twice wherein I filed a complaint to YouTube saying I falsely got a copyright strike from Khara. Nothing worked. I played by the rules and it felt like the game is rigged. I never wanted this to be a game in the first place.

And I don’t want to redo the entire series, that’s not what I am, that’s not what defines me nor something I want to hold in high regards. I want to be me, I want to heal myself. I want to learn to live with my inner demons and guide them from the shadows and into the warm sunlight.

I apologize if I am speaking in circles, but this is truly how I feel, and I truly feel this year has been more hurtful to me than it should’ve been. This is something I haven’t felt since tenth grade.

[ErgoProxy]

Apologies taken. Man, you should make some inner truce with your emotions. Feelings come and go; but when they're gone, only you will remain (Litany Against Fear). I'm plagued with anxiety attacks, when my thought processes distort; but those anxieties come and go too, and when they're gone, I am sure there are still some bright days waiting for me. And I'm rock-solid convinced that life is still worth living. But you know what - I had to lay those foundations myself; to do my own job using tools the fate gracefully gave me; to climb the wall on the holds I discovered blinded by storm. I made it and this gives me some sense of satisfaction; it was worth it.

As of my own past - I can't believe I'm saying this in public - I, completely accidentally, in a symbolic way killed myself to achieve rebirth. EoE is, in general, a strong, affirmative statement that such maneuver is possible; that killing the past and coming back to life (Pink Floyd) can be succesfully done by a human being. As One More Final shows, it comes for a price, and the past leaves its footprint, but you actually can move forward, no matter who you are and where you came from. And if you can, then I think you should.

The thing I dislike the most about 3.33 is how virtually everyone despises Shinji for starting the Third Impact even though it was planned from the start. That and how many things in 3.33 seem to contradict 2.22 according to research I’ve done thus far. I just cannot help but feel so incredibly sorry for the way he’s being treated on both sides being so sympathetic with his pain.

I felt it another way. I felt what people here call a gut punch. Why? Because of strong identification with a character who is portrayed as completely powerless captive of someone whom he cannot scratch, even touch with a finger. He's forced to play a rigged game he's about to lose either way, unless someone shows him some grace and mercy. Well, fuck your mercy (Alita). That's what I hated the most in Star Trek: TNG; whenever Q appeared onscreen, I wanted to rip him to shreds. Who does he thinks he is? Some say Q's a joker, but if so, where's a batman?

Now, I don't know. I've changed and the change is not complete yet; the process is still ongoing.

But... I still hold my opinion that 3.33 is a Kuronami Rei's show. Shinji appeared there merely to do the job he was destined to do, either by Spirits, or by God himself: to get Rei out of the hell she was trapped in and got used to and wasn't able to leave on her own. He did the job only because he was unaware of what he was sent for. If he was a Christian and if he knew the doctrine, he would probably end not broken, but uplifted, when he would finally understood what has just happened. Alas, the show has no room for any religion but SEELE and their cult.

As for redirecting my anger on those who lied to me, I have already tried that twice. Once wherein I submitted a dispute to Khara claiming they couldn’t block my content since it was in public domain, and twice wherein I filed a complaint to YouTube saying I falsely got a copyright strike from Khara. Nothing worked. I played by the rules and it felt like the game is rigged. I never wanted this to be a game in the first place.

Well, but you know you differ. Most of people want to go through their life playing various games; maybe the shriver is their remedy for awarness of their own mortality. Perhaps I would be walking this road too, but I was pushed off of it very early and never really came back on it.

Dare to differ, man.

[Hopelessromantic]

As of my own past - I can't believe I'm saying this in public - I, completely accidentally, in a symbolic way killed myself to achieve rebirth. EoE is, in general, a strong, affirmative statement that such maneuver is possible; that killing the past and coming back to life (Pink Floyd) can be succesfully done by a human being. As One More Final shows, it comes for a price, and the past leaves its footprint, but you actually can move forward, no matter who you are and where you came from. And if you can, then I think you should.

Well, but you know you differ. Most of people want to go through their life playing various games; maybe the shriver is their remedy for awarness of their own mortality. Perhaps I would be walking this road too, but I was pushed off of it very early and never really came back on it.

Dare to differ, man.

One of my insecurities is being left out. Even though I don’t mind standing out, I feel sad whenever others hate me for standing up for myself or ostracizing me for being different. Another big reason why I keep coming back to Evangelion is because I want to be a part of a group, and truly feel like I matter. It’s hard to feel you matter when so much has happened beyond your control yet affects you directly, i.e. Covid-19. Being the person I am, I like works of fiction that are thought provoking and philosophical, thus I gave Neon Genesis Evangelion a shot. Of course I made the mistake of watching the movie first.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I have this inner fear that if I continue to watch the series, I’ll relate to Shinji so much that I’ll have another identity crisis. Maybe that’s just me. Nevertheless, that’s how far my sympathy for stretch, for a nonexistent person who I myself almost existed once as.

But the deepest, most hurtful thing about The End of Evangelion is that it attacks one of my core beliefs. I myself have written and am now editing an autobiography about my own personal experience during adolescence, including the hardships and achievements. Some of the morals of my memoir are, “Be grateful to be a teenager” and “You are your greatest ally”. The initial viewing of EoE seemed to contradict this entirely, and thus made me feel as if my core beliefs and inner philosophies were attacked as they are a very important part of what makes me who I am. I started writing it when I was 13, nine years ago. It os what helped me cope. And I don’t want 110 pages of my life to be based all upon an illusion.

[pwhodges]

As for redirecting my anger on those who lied to me, I have already tried that twice. Once wherein I submitted a dispute to Khara claiming they couldn’t block my content since it was in public domain, and twice wherein I filed a complaint to YouTube saying I falsely got a copyright strike from Khara.

Khara's work is still copyright. Copyright doesn't get cancelled because the Internet contains copies of things; being in the public domain means that something is not in copyright, not that there are copies of it on the Internet. Note that even the "fair use" exception isn't written into the law, but is merely a convention.

Your most valid complaint would be that others have not (yet) been given the strikes that you have; that may be bcause some people obscure their use by changing their copies in ways which confused the automated detection.

[ErgoProxy]

Note that even the "fair use" exception isn't written into the law, but is merely a convention.

It depends on the law system of a particular country and the tradition this law system is rooted in; though, of course, formal definitions of what a "fair use" is may vary from one country to another.

Your most valid complaint would be [...]

I doubt it's still about complaints.

Have you ever had in your hands such an Italian story for kids, "Gelsomino in the Land of Liars"? There's that passage from someone who escapes of prison: "That's against the law... then again, the law is against us". I think everyone should have this passage on the back of the head, to think beforehand whether law in question expresses or supresses the innate human morality.

And here he has a point: we live in a culture or remixes and copypastes now, and the law ignores that as if nothing has changed since the epoch of copybooks and typewriters. The law as we have it secures interests of relatively narrow group at the expense of all the others. The question is can we still profit from such circumstances and do those profits outweight eg. our dignity, which is said to be a human right.



Okay; now, hoping this doesn't qualify for omnilashing...

It’s hard to feel you matter when so much has happened beyond your control yet affects you directly, i.e. Covid-19.

Some think it's hard to feel you matter when they are just but one person among billions of people alive - and then they become anime characters.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I have this inner fear that if I continue to watch the series, I’ll relate to Shinji so much that I’ll have another identity crisis. Maybe that’s just me. Nevertheless, that’s how far my sympathy for stretch, for a nonexistent person who I myself almost existed once as.

I don't find that ridiculous. In my childhood I was intentionally refraing for sharing my works (of horrible quality, but whatever), because I felt the nonexistent characters I had created are my only true friends. And friends are not to be sold.

Some of the morals of my memoir are, “Be grateful to be a teenager” and “You are your greatest ally”. The initial viewing of EoE seemed to contradict this entirely [...]

How exactly? I'm asking, because maybe I missed something from the message of the movie.

[...] and thus made me feel as if my core beliefs and inner philosophies were attacked as they are a very important part of what makes me who I am.

Hm, but neither Anno's omniscient, nor we're his clones. Sure, he operates with greater firepower (in the sense of his skill and range of influencing other minds), but that's all.

The first thing I learned about EoE was that Giant Naked Rei is there and I instantly rebelled against such picture, as for me it was a clear indication that something is very wrong with the world portrayed. It simply wasn't compatibile with my own (excuse for a?) world I developed as a kid. Maybe that's why I didn't feel attacked in any way? Human ability to veto any message or decision as it appears in the field of consciousness is a very powerful tool; at least as long as you know who you are and where you stand.

I started writing it when I was 13, nine years ago. It is what helped me cope. And I don’t want 110 pages of my life to be based all upon an illusion.

Stanisław Lem, a sci-fi writer, once wrote that all what literature produces are mere illusions. But he also wrote that if we weren't able to wrap horrors in illusions (lit. "rework gruesomeness into angelic correlates"), we wouldn't be able to last. And he did it in one book.

Do not worry much about basing on illusions. Worry about basing on right illusions, which will help your readers to carry on living.

[Hopelessromantic]

m
Okay; now, hoping this doesn't qualify for omnilashing...

Some think it's hard to feel you matter when they are just but one person among billions of people alive - and then they become anime characters.

How exactly? I'm asking, because maybe I missed something from the message of the movie.

The first thing I learned about EoE was that Giant Naked Rei is there and I instantly rebelled against such picture, as for me it was a clear indication that something is very wrong with the world portrayed. It simply wasn't compatibile with my own (excuse for a?) world I developed as a kid. Maybe that's why I didn't feel attacked in any way? Human ability to veto any message or decision as it appears in the field of consciousness is a very powerful tool; at least as long as you know who you are and where you stand.

Do not worry much about basing on illusions. Worry about basing on right illusions, which will help your readers to carry on living.

It doesn’t feel like omnilashing at all. In fact I feel your advice helps me greatly. The irony is you guys say you’re not qualified professionals, yet I feel you have been just as helpful, maybe even moreso.

And then they become anime characters? I don’t understand.

I feel EoE contradicts this message because it shows things going from bad to worse for the protagonists. I felt no light at the end of the tunnel for them, lost amidst the bleakness of the conclusion. It’s all emotionally overwhelming to mentally process.

The human ability to veto any message in the field of consciousness is a powerful tool indeed. Nevertheless I feel it is amateur to be automatically dismissive. I sometimes tend to be a detective when it comes to philosophical dilemmas. As the old saying goes, “know thy enemy”. Thus I feel it’s important to gain any knowledge of an opposing point of view, no matter how small to know what you’re turning down.

Alas in my case, I went in too deep. I was morally shaken, and felt lost to where I stood. Metaphorically speaking my foundations quaked and I lost my footing, fell into a hole I barely knew existed.

Thank you, I will continue.

[ErgoProxy]

It doesn’t feel like omnilashing at all. In fact I feel your advice helps me greatly. The irony is you guys say you’re not qualified professionals, yet I feel you have been just as helpful, maybe even moreso.

Thank you very much!

And then they become anime characters? I don’t understand.

I was thinking about Suzumiya Haruhi while playing with thought there was some real person this character was based on, because the creators knew her. Life writes the best sconarios, you know.

The human ability to veto any message in the field of consciousness is a powerful tool indeed. Nevertheless I feel it is amateur to be automatically dismissive. I sometimes tend to be a detective when it comes to philosophical dilemmas. As the old saying goes, “know thy enemy”. Thus I feel it’s important to gain any knowledge of an opposing point of view, no matter how small to know what you’re turning down.

I can agree with that. I only want to issue a kind of warning: be careful about what you asssimilate into your mind, because learning about the enemy can make you the enemy himself, as you understand him more and more. In the end you can start thinking like the enemy. The road you walk changes you, and sometimes it's beter to leave this particular road after mere few steps. You can always stop watching, if what you watch distorts you in a way you never wanted to happen.

I feel EoE contradicts this message because it shows things going from bad to worse for the protagonists. I felt no light at the end of the tunnel for them, lost amidst the bleakness of the conclusion. It’s all emotionally overwhelming to mentally process.

It's what depression makes to a human mind. And it's not your depression; it's Anno's. Prior to NGE he wasn't able to write anything - "to get into Eva" - for several years. So if anything, I would read this as a warning: when you're mentaly ill, don't shut yourself away in a shell, because such road will lead you nowhere; you can even die at its end. Reach for other people instead, the more the better. But even if you can't do it for whatever reason, miracles sometimes happen and you may be able to get up even on your own.

I think this is what's uplifting about the movie. But to see that, you must, metaphorically, leave the world portrayed and look at it from some distance, where you'll be able to see it together with its creator, as his statement. In other words, don't be otaku; be a conscious member of the audience, who sees more, because he doesn't fall for tricks, but is able to detach from them and to see them as what they really are.

And if you're unable to do that, at least don't make Shinji's mistakes and do never-ever blindly trust someone who merely uses you as a tool to achieve their own utopia. Try to get a broader picture instead, because "here and now we're writing the history" (laVey, more or less).

Alas in my case, I went in too deep. I was morally shaken, and felt lost to where I stood. Metaphorically speaking my foundations quaked and I lost my footing, fell into a hole I barely knew existed.

Got it. But see the above. The narrative artworks, at least the great ones, are lessons about the human and the humanity, which you can learn relatively safely without putting yourself in risky situations for real, where you could lose everything you have.

[Hopelessromantic]

Thank you very much!

I can agree with that. I only want to issue a kind of warning: be careful about what you asssimilate into your mind, because learning about the enemy can make you the enemy himself, as you understand him more and more. In the end you can start thinking like the enemy. The road you walk changes you, and sometimes it's beter to leave this particular road after mere few steps. You can always stop watching, if what you watch distorts you in a way you never wanted to happen.

I would read this as a warning: when you're mentaly ill, don't shut yourself away in a shell, because such road will lead you nowhere; you can even die at its end. Reach for other people instead, the more the better. But even if you can't do it for whatever reason, miracles sometimes happen and you may be able to get up even on your own.

I think this is what's uplifting about the movie. But to see that, you must, metaphorically, leave the world portrayed and look at it from some distance, where you'll be able to see it together with its creator, as his statement. In other words, don't be otaku; be a conscious member of the audience, who sees more, because he doesn't fall for tricks, but is able to detach from them and to see them as what they really are.

And if you're unable to do that, at least don't make Shinji's mistakes and do never-ever blindly trust someone who merely uses you as a tool to achieve their own utopia. Try to get a broader picture instead, because "here and now we're writing the history" (laVey, more or less).

It’s hard to be a conscious member of the audience when your own consciousness feels overwhelmed by a continuous psychological emotional bombardment, a real-time Ludovico technique. In reference to what you’ve said, one of the main themes of Evangelion is The Hedgehog’s Dilemma; the closer two people are the more one is likely to be affected by another, especially when one relies on the existence of others to define his own. I want to keep a healthy distance from Evangelion, but the real question is how.

Trust me, I’ve reached out to other people for help. I know I said I’ll take any help I can get but there comes a moment where I’m sick and tired of waiting. My therapist says he can only do a video call with me every two weeks because he’s already booked (fuck Covid). That and the humane shelter won’t accept me back because the coordinator is on maternity leave (seriously, fuck 2020. Not a good time to be watching Eva). Moreover my entire fucking apartment complex has closed itself off from the rest of the community. Barely a soul wants to get out of their rooms no matter how many times I invited them out. I’m almost tempted to call it quits.

I suppose in the end, I really find Evangelion to be very opposite of uplifting altogether because it reminds me of everything I went through this year. The suicide of my best friend was only one out of many major mishaps that occurred to me this year, hence the psychological domino effect. In laymen’s terms I took the biggest L trying to acquaint myself with the series. Timing, just really really unfortunate timing.

When people ask me what makes me think about Eva, the real question ought to be; what doesnt. This whole fucking year has been a disaster thus far, and sometimes I question whether the universe is punishing me for whatever negative karma I sent unto the plane of existence.

I told myself not to make the same mistakes as Shinji, long before I knew he even existed. I learned in high school to be honest with my emotions rather than live a lie. Every day I try to expand my mental horizon. But even as I do, I nonetheless feel disenchanted, disillusioned. I cannot look at everything the same way ever again. Trauma here, trauma there, trauma in my parents, trauma everywhere and in everything. I just want to find a place in the world where I can escape trauma; escape Evangelion.

Now that I mention it, I had this one dream back then. I saw myself as Kaworu, and above me was Shinji, piloting Eva 01 in Dogma Terminal. At the same time, I saw myself as Kaworu wearing the kill collar witnessing the Fourth Impact with Shinji in Unit 13 in Evangelion 3.33, even though I hadn’t fully seen the movie. I felt myself existing in both scenarios simultaneously, both Kaworu’s aware of each other’s existence, the same person in two different worlds.

I felt I knew what I must do, in both scenarios. Rather than sugarcoating the truth, I warned both Shinji’s about the future in detail, and the consequences that would follow of he chose this path or the other. I warned both of them about the Third Impact, instrumentation and the dissolution, NERV being SEELE’s puppet, Gendo’s true motives, Asuka’s death, everything. Both Shinji’s wept hysterically upon hearing those words and begged me not die. It was then I hold him, “The destiny of the human race lies in your hands Shinji.”

“I don’t want to this!” He said.

“You have to. You need to make this decision not just for them, but for yourself.” I replied, smiling. “There is no greater love than the willingness to lay down your valued life for another. I love you Shinji.” It was then, in both scenarios my life in Evangelion ended, and I awoke from my dream. Maybe this dream holds the key.

[ErgoProxy]

The fact you've shared this dream is kinda... healing for me; perhaps in a weird way - but who cares about weirdness as long as it works?

I think though it's you who are the key - more precisely, your will is. I doubt there is any walkaround for your Eva-issue, automagically fixing things for you. Sadly, if your will is not strong enough, then nobody but you can do the work to strengthen it to the moment when you'll be able to execute your decisions. "I don't want to watch Evangelion anymore." Don't watch it then. "I don't want Evangelion to haunt me." Don't think about it then. Replace it with something else, which will consume your mental resources and bring you a sense of satisfaction - and forget about the movies and series altogether. It's just a statement of single man, who may (and actually does) make mistakes; so you may leave his business behind.

Escaping the traumas could be a difficult thing to do, as the whole planet is already soaked with psychologists and their psychospeech. I'm afraid, all I could do about trauma would be to try to let it go and pay no attention. Okay - everyone's hurt, this way or another. So...? Still there are people who reject any treatment for their wounds, because they got used to this metallic taste of pain, and now they can't imagine living a life which lacks that. And since... ahh, man, the whole Rei Q arc is about this issue, which Rei Q eventually manages to overcome. And this is quite an achievement and above the average, which is defined by people who would disobey direct order to leave their comfort zones, even if they understand that this particular comfort zone is way unhealthy.

The universe may punish you for being stained... so purify yourself, by working with your will to become able to veto whatever you feel makes mess in your mind. Veto Evangelion. Just say "NOT and ANTI"; "I don't like you and now go away from me". Escaping to NERV is not a solution; only WILLE can help.

Same goes for keeping a healthy distance from Evangelion. You need at least to develop ability to postpone each next, hm... session with the material supplied by Anno. Unless you can trash all of it. But if you can't, then make Eva a marshmallow Eva. Simple solutions are the best (you know, what a marshmallow test is, right?).

And while this year might be a failure, the next should be better, by the laws of statistics. Mishaps are always accidental, even if coming one after another, even with suicide of best friend in package. Still this is merely a one-year glitch. Just duck and cover until the universe runs out of ammo.

(Sigh, I keep derailing this from the Eva track. Maybe I should scroll the topic back and check what Eva-related subjects I haven't addressed yet.)

[Hopelessromantic]

I think though it's you who are the key - more precisely, your will is. I doubt there is any walkaround for your Eva-issue, automagically fixing things for you. Sadly, if your will is not strong enough, then nobody but you can do the work to strengthen it to the moment when you'll be able to execute your decisions. "I don't want to watch Evangelion anymore." Don't watch it then. "I don't want Evangelion to haunt me." Don't think about it then. Replace it with something else, which will consume your mental resources and bring you a sense of satisfaction - and forget about the movies and series altogether. It's just a statement of single man, who may (and actually does) make mistakes; so you may leave his business behind.

Escaping the traumas could be a difficult thing to do, as the whole planet is already soaked with psychologists and their psychospeech. I'm afraid, all I could do about trauma would be to try to let it go and pay no attention. Okay - everyone's hurt, this way or another. So...? Still there are people who reject any treatment for their wounds, because they got used to this metallic taste of pain, and now they can't imagine living a life which lacks that.

The universe may punish you for being stained... so purify yourself, by working with your will to become able to veto whatever you feel makes mess in your mind. Veto Evangelion. Just say "NOT and ANTI"; "I don't like you and now go away from me". Escaping to NERV is not a solution; only WILLE can help.

Same goes for keeping a healthy distance from Evangelion. You need at least to develop ability to postpone each next, hm... session with the material supplied by Anno. Unless you can trash all of it. But if you can't, then make Eva a marshmallow Eva. Simple solutions are the best (you know, what a marshmallow test is, right?).

As for replacing Evangelion with something else, I’ve decided to take a gamble. Remember in episode 26 wherein Shinji was offered an epiphany of self development in the form of an alternate timeline, one that is still theoretically possible for him and the others to chronologically achieve? Turns out, there’s an entire manga series behind that called, “The Shinji Ikari Raising Project”. I saw a copy of the first volume in a local comic store of mine and decided to purchase it. If I’m to continue having flashes and memories of Evangelion, I might as well continue to paint the image of it in a new light, take a little detour through a different art gallery, see Shinji happy for once. Best of all, I can read it at my own pace.

Once you said, “As of my own past - I can't believe I'm saying this in public - I, completely accidentally, in a symbolic way killed myself to achieve rebirth.” This immediately reminded me of the dream I had wherein I was Kaworu. If what you say is possible, what if...I can enact a similar scenario to (symbolically) end my subjective projection of my existence within the illusion of Evangelion?

I know I am stained, an imperfect human being alike the rest of our kin. I’m unsure if I can wholly purify myself, as I’m sure I’ll have a screw loose or two at the apex of my mental development. But the day that stops me from bettering myself is the day I awake in a cart to Skyrim.

As for receiving treatment for my trauma, I am willing to accept whatever aid I can get. Being the healthy skeptic I desire to be, I sometimes question if any of these treatments will take away any part of me that makes me a part of who I am. My innermost core belief, my meaning of life is a quote by Alfred Lloyd Tennyson; “ I am a part of all that I have met; yet all experience is an arch wherethro' gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades forever and forever when I move.” Simply put, “It’s not just the past that makes me who I am, but also the future as well, and the possibilities are nearly endless”.

[ErgoProxy]

Ditto.

About your gamble, I'll be tedious and say a gamble is still a gamble and not control you should posess over your own damn mind. Then again, I don't suffer from PTSD and I never experienced any flashbacks out of the blue, so I'm not quite certain, should I discourage you from making such a move. I simply lack medical experience; I'm just another guy on the 'Net. In the end this is your brain, so noone but you can tune it to run smoothly. And if SIRP happens to work in this regard, you can get my blessing.

But for seeing Shinji happy, I will stubbornly recommend you to write a fanfiction, even a shallow one. Anno is not God and you're not obliged to take his work as a word of revelation. Or if you prefer to attribute him some godlike status in relation to poor Shinji, you are such god too. As an old proverb of satanists bees goes, "you are a god among other gods". You can make use of it. You can also flush Freud and use Jung; this will make Shinji an archetype from the collective subconscious, who resides in every mind on this planet, so in your one too; this way making your Shinji happy may become kinda responsibility of yours. Such a little hack.

About my internal "death and rebirth" hack... well, a scenario is just a scenario and doesn't work on its own, unless you charge it with emotions and meaning. And, well, it doesn't relieve you from doing the job of adjusting your own psyche. To put it outright, I don't believe in magic, anyhow defined, as a way to effortlessly make the impossible happening before my eyes. I merely do believe in "magic" (like in: the magic of cinema) as a mean of making the impossible believable. What comes next is work, work, work on rewiring the brain. Of course caution is needed; as I didn't pay caution, I got hit with psychotic states of mind, and then I had to get myself tuned to the boring reality again. While prior to that I had found some guidelines, I can call them vague at best; still giving some (illusive?) sense of being in control. So yes, this may end bad, but doesn't have to, just like any adventure.

And now, imperfection. Personaly I consider imperfection a good thing, as my private theory says that everything in existence exists only because of imperfections and misunderstandings. Perfect beings without any "dirt" inside are too much vulnerable to external pressure to last long. But being stained is another thing. Purify yourself before the Spanish Inquistion appears to do that with their comfy modus operandi.

[Hopelessromantic]

About your gamble, I'll be tedious and say a gamble is still a gamble and not control you should posess over your own damn mind. Then again, I don't suffer from PTSD and I never experienced any flashbacks out of the blue, so I'm not quite certain, should I discourage you from making such a move. I simply lack medical experience; I'm just another guy on the 'Net. In the end this is your brain, so noone but you can tune it to run smoothly. And if SIRP happens to work in this regard, you can get my blessing.

But for seeing Shinji happy, I will stubbornly recommend you to write a fanfiction, even a shallow one. You can make use of it. You can also flush Freud and use Jung; this will make Shinji an archetype from the collective subconscious, who resides in every mind on this planet, so in your one too; this way making your Shinji happy may become kinda responsibility of yours. Such a little hack.

What comes next is work, work, work on rewiring the brain. Of course caution is needed; as I didn't pay caution, I got hit with psychotic states of mind, and then I had to get myself tuned to the boring reality again.

Purify yourself before the Spanish Inquistion appears to do that with their comfy modus operandi.

No, you’re not just another guy on the net, you’re my friend. I value you and the advice you’ve given me thus far. Lord knows this social distancing status quo did (and is still doing) an unsound number on my mental health.

Regarding what you stated earlier, I don’t want Shinji to necessarily feel like a responsibility or hold him in high regard. I mean yes I sympathize with him tremendously, but I don’t wish to idolize him or anything Eva related for that matter. I want to decouple his persona from my own, draw some lines, anything that’ll prevent me from developing a personality disorder. Taking your advice, rather than writing a fanfic, I bought SIRP to see if I can do myself a little “hack” as well; rewire my brain to see Eva from a different perspective, one that doesn’t involve such a extensive emphasis on trauma. I know it’s less work, maybe a route that requires less effort, but I want to practice being grateful with what I have and what I look forward to.

The problem is after viewing EoE, the world just seems more depressing than I originally thought.Basically that movie told me, “Trauma is everywhere and there’s nothing you can do to escape it”. If that’s the case why does the term “escapsim” exist to begin with? Maybe I’m wrong. Wouldn’t that be a relief?

Speaking of looking forward, something that helps me cope is a song. “Ride captain ride” by Blues Image. My family and I are going sailing this Christmas. It helps me look to the future.

Are you talking about that, “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” meme? I want to learn how to accept myself and the circumstances more effectively before I start “purifying myself”. I have a feeling I’ll have to get my hands dirty. I mean, one does not simply walk into Mordor.

Now that I think about it, I have a perfect metaphor. Eva was the one ring, and I like Gollum for eleven months was living under an obsession trying to understand what was slowly poisoning me. Well shit.

[ErgoProxy]

No, you’re not just another guy on the net, you’re my friend.

Now this is something new and partially scary, as I was socially distanced by my bloody peers yet in elementary school and it remained so forever (?). Be very careful when using this kind of f-word in the 'Net, as its "tincture" vary from one culture to another; eg. here in Poland it's often used as a friend-or-foe code of the gay underground, understandable for everyone when used in male-to-male context. (Except that apparently I'm not everyone, but a socially deaf man.) Still I come from a side lineage of a family of physicians and I think this should matter, even though (heads up!) I received no medical education or training.

And regarding this, you should immediately tell me: medice, cura te ipsum, because I took the exactly opposite direction and coupled myself with the Evaverse like some otaku would do, only aware of what he's doing. It didn't require much effort to see my own reflection in Shinji, and it was just as easy to set a goal to become a cis version of Kaworu. *) The work done is buried somewhere in the archives of the dreaded 4chan imageboard. But I keep coming back to, erm, recreational use of Anno's art - simply because it brings me joy and raises a little curiousity, how would he react and comment on that.
______________________
* May I say that aloud, I'm glad that Reichu has stepped down? For she came up with theory that Kaworu is, more or less, a sexual predator grooming poor Shinji to reach his own, shady goals. I made use of her writings on evil Yui before; but if she managed to stain me with this... really, some people.

The problem is after viewing EoE, the world just seems more depressing than I originally thought. Basically that movie told me, “Trauma is everywhere and there’s nothing you can do to escape it”. If that’s the case why does the term “escapsim” exist to begin with? Maybe I’m wrong. Wouldn’t that be a relief?

I think the source of problem is context, which varies from one person to another and can be only guessed from what people submerged in The Spectrum sometimes call "the hidden curriculum".

In case of the audience, sure: everybody's hurt. However, there are different levels of pain and different strategies of dealing with it. Basically, I don't take for granted that everyone experiences his or her own trauma same as I do, even if we use the same vocabulary. Duh, what trauma; trauma is something that would happen, if I felt my life is in danger, and I can barely call myself surface-scratched. I shouldn't use such notion at all; it's frivolous, maybe even offensive.

In my case, I've learned that Anno was battling depression and during his therapeutic sessions he learned about Freud and his concepts. Freud is nowadays laughed at (but politely) even at academia. His system, at its very best, makes for a protoscience, as it tries to explain everything by repression of sexual desire and resulting traumas. Even more, the way it is constructed makes it impossible to diagnose anyone as sound and sane; in the end, everyone is labelled as mentally ill person, dealing with some trauma(s). Now I have a question for you: why do you think you should believe that? Because I would bet any money this is not what Anno thinks; he merely wanted to show us that, given powerful enough tools, the Westerners would do anything to make Fruedian babbling real, turning the whole mankind into a madkind. And I'd trust him in this regard, as the Japanese had already learned it the hard way, some seventy five years ago, what the long noses are able to do.

And in Anno's case, he said it personally that he cannot understand why Eva is so popular, if all the characters are so sick. Well then; if he's able to tell a healthy personality from a sick personality, he met both of these kinds in real life, and then he decided to run the show using only the latter. So the Evaverse is a distorted picture of reality, and it's distorted on purpose. It's a section of a hell made to assure us that we truly live in a world better than that. And I think you should go after this (kathartic) interpretation.

[Hopelessromantic]

And regarding this, you should immediately tell me: medice, cura te ipsum, because I took the exactly opposite direction and coupled myself with the Evaverse like some otaku would do, only aware of what he's doing. It didn't require much effort to see my own reflection in Shinji, and it was just as easy to set a goal to become a cis version of Kaworu.
______________________

I think the source of problem is context, which varies from one person to another and can be only guessed from what people submerged in The Spectrum sometimes call "the hidden curriculum".

In case of the audience, sure: everybody's hurt. However, there are different levels of pain and different strategies of dealing with it.

The Evaverse is a distorted picture of reality, and it's distorted on purpose. It's a section of a hell made to assure us that we truly live in a world better than that. And I think you should go after this (kathartic) interpretation.

More than anything I want to heal myself, but also more than anything I want to see Shinji not just be happy but remain happy as well. Redundant as it sounds, one of the things that angers me about EoE is how Hideaki Anno had the nerve to make his characters suffer such a cruel fate, especially after seeing them seemingly achieve happiness in Episodes 25 and 26.

Shinji; because he feels so real to me, I’ve considered him to be a part of me, something I want to protect rather than suffer. Many times I’ve also been telling myself it’s a part of me I need to let go as well, because what happened to Shinji already happened. Maybe I can refer to the dream I had and make use of it.

I know everyone is hurt, and everyone has a past, that there is no such thing as perfectly sound or sane. But in the context I initially received, it’s feels like I’m drowning in a sea of trauma rather than keeping myself afloat..

Sadly, rather than assuring me that we live in a better world than that of Evangelion, it reminded me of all the pain I went through in ones sitting, including this year.

I tried doing something different today. I wrote a letter to myself, thanking me for getting me this far, apologizing that I’ve not been giving myself enough love, letting myself know if something is hurting me to give myself time to heal, and that there is still time for things to get better.

I cried tears of relief.

[UrsusArctos]

Dude. Watch the rest. ASAP.

[ErgoProxy]

Yes, watch it. The tone is different at the beginning and it builds context you're lacking by now. In particular you may get surpised by

SPOILER: Show

Toji being a Shinji's bully at start, but then truly befriending him.

Shinji; because he feels so real to me, I’ve considered him to be a part of me, something I want to protect rather than suffer. Many times I’ve also been telling myself it’s a part of me I need to let go as well, because what happened to Shinji already happened. Maybe I can refer to the dream I had and make use of it.

It's your brain, so you know its ways better than me, especially if you practice mindfullness. Personally and basing on Jung's concepts, I could make my Shinji happy simply by living a vital life. Because... ahh, man:

SPOILER: Show

There's that real-life seqence in EoE, which includes this particullar "do you feel good?" cut, when the audience in a theatre is shown from the characters' point of view. When we can see our reality through their eyes, literally. And they talk about dreaming.

This may lead to interpretation that they dream of our reality, just like we dream of theirs. If so, noone but us alone have the power to make their dreams - our lifes - rich and happy.

More than anything I want to heal myself, but also more than anything I want to see Shinji not just be happy but remain happy as well. Redundant as it sounds, one of the things that angers me about EoE is how Hideaki Anno had the nerve to make his characters suffer such a cruel fate, especially after seeing them seemingly achieve happiness in Episodes 25 and 26.

Yeah, Anno has the nerve, but even he has some limits; as I've learned, making 3.33 threw him into depression again. Still I think there is a difference between us, the audience, who fall in illusion that the fictional is real, and them, the creators, who know this is merely illusion, because they weaved it with their own hands. The context is different; I guess this is the cornerstone of the magic of cinema. And I don't say I never was in the same boat you're rowing now. I just want to say that when the awful (and banned already) Stillborn said it outright, that Shinji was created to suffer and this is his role in the world order, my perspective shifted from "Shinji suffers for real, so he should be helped and avenged" to "Shinji is acting to express Anno's thoughts and he's doing it well".

Thinking of this now, Shinji probably is happy already, because he made us believe in his suffering. We made him happy.

Behind the scenes?  SPOILER: Show

I know everyone is hurt, and everyone has a past, that there is no such thing as perfectly sound or sane. But in the context I initially received, it’s feels like I’m drowning in a sea of trauma rather than keeping myself afloat..

Frankly, do I fit in such interpretation, reality being a sea of trauma? Do I? Sure, I had been hurt, but trauma, really?

Katharsis should start to work as soon as you come to realisation that what you've just seen wasn't real. It was a work of fiction and the real world is different. But since reality loads you with negatve feelings anyway, at times you go to a theatre to bring those feelings to the surface as much as you can and purge them. In a way, it's a ritual of purification.

Sadly, rather than assuring me that we live in a better world than that of Evangelion, it reminded me of all the pain I went through in ones sitting, including this year.

What could I reply to that? Bury the past and long for the future. There are still bright days to come.

I tried doing something different today. I wrote a letter to myself, thanking me for getting me this far, apologizing that I’ve not been giving myself enough love, letting myself know if something is hurting me to give myself time to heal, and that there is still time for things to get better.

I cried tears of relief.

See, something I'd never think about, suddenly worked. The person knowing you the best is you alone. Feel the power of that.

[Hopelessromantic]

Yes, watch it. The tone is different at the beginning and it builds context you're lacking by now. In particular you may get surpised by it.

It's your brain, so you know its ways better than me, especially if you practice mindfullness. Personally and basing on Jung's concepts, I could make my Shinji happy simply by living a vital life.

Thinking of this now, Shinji probably is happy already, because he made us believe in his suffering. We made him happy.

Frankly, do I fit in such interpretation, reality being a sea of trauma? Do I? Sure, I had been hurt, but trauma, really?

Katharsis should start to work as soon as you come to realisation that what you've just seen wasn't real. It was a work of fiction and the real world is different.

What could I reply to that? Bury the past and long for the future. There are still bright days to come.

I’ve already watched up to Episode 7, wherein I saw Shinji befriend Toji after Toji saw firsthand the brutal reality of Shinji being a pilot. And I’ve said before Asuka is a tremendous trigger to me because of those who she reminds me off. The following links will explain why, and these also happened to me this year, after I saw the movie.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12ol ... XZ64E/edit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12Gq ... 5RZ_g/edit

I really wish it were that easy, making Shinji happy by living a vital life myself.

I know that what I saw was fiction but it still doesn’t feel like it. This is because after reading how Evangelion cured people of their depression and how the show tackles it on an idolizes the show as if it were the meaning of life, I decided to take every bit of the movie personally so I could absorb what lessons, what antidotes the fans have seemed to worship the series for. Because I took every bit of the movie personally...disaster. Almost every day for eleven months I feel like, “Shinji is suffering for real, I must help him.” Which makes me feel all the more sorry for him.

And yes, a sea of trauma just like LCL where there are no barriers to hold it.

I fear if I bury the past it’ll only fester and gather strength from the subconscious. Rather, I want to lay it to rest again.

Ultimately, I suppose you could say I am deathly afraid of Evangelion because of what the movie reminded me of. And yeah, I suppose you could say I saw all the bad parts of it, despite the fact they’re the most popular. Metaphorically speaking I fear if I bite the bullet, I’ll accidentally swallow it.

[ErgoProxy]

Man, harshness incoming, so brace yourself (hope this will work).

I presented to you with several emergency routes out, but you keep yourself focused on your internal feelings. Seems as if you liked them, but if so, don't search for help, if you don't need it. But if you need it, then stop to cherish the said feelings, because feelings are good for the cannon fodder to blind their minds, while the generals always keep their heads cool. Reports, thinking, decisions and execution of orders; will, will, will again. Learn to command yourself like an army.

I decided to take every bit of the movie personally so I could absorb what lessons, what antidotes the fans have seemed to worship the series for.

There are no lessons in the show.

All the lessons are made by the audience. They are their personal, rational thoughts and conclusions on feelings the show evoked in them - and not the feelings themselves. Do not mistake stars for their reflection in a pond. Like any art, the series are not a product of reaction itself and ready to use, but merely a catalyst; and you are the alchemist, who carefully chooses the ingredients to transform himself into a better and/or more powerful person. Art is not something you could consume and wait for results, because the ultimate result of consumption is always shit.

And yes, a sea of trauma just like LCL where there are no barriers to hold it.

THIS is a trauma. (And this is me.)

All I want is a soul mate, who I can hold close and feel the warmth of their heartbeat, who I can share this wonderful life of mine with, and cherish till the end of my days. Is that really too much to ask from the universe?

Yes, it is. First, the universe doesn't care for us at all; thus we mustn't ask or beg, but we must keep struggling to reach the goals we set for ourselves. And second: as much as she must become a soul mate for you, it's you too who must become a soul mate for her. Relationship is a work to be done, by both sides. And to love means to give and to take, while keeping the balance of both. The culture and society as you know them ceased to teach those things.

I’ve been struggling with these thoughts, some of which have been suicidal.

The culture and society as you know them are ill; maybe it's even a terminal illness. Epicrisis is this: making a virtue of selfishness while using empathy to cheat and fool other people, and to hurt them to receive an ego boost. Acknowledge this as a fact and learn to despise people and subcultures who embrace this and similar pseudovirtues.

Oh, and the missing part:

And I’ve said before Asuka is a tremendous trigger to me because of those who she reminds me off.

Asuka can be a trigger, but what is important is that you are the one, who pulls it. You are expected to be in control, and thus you are responsible, if you pull it - or if you dont when you should to. What you need to do now is to work on your personality (preferrably with a therapist) to make yourself invulnerable to Asuka personality, in both Lucid Mirages and Real Life.