Postby BobBQ » Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:38 am
The mission, the assigned objective.
That which one pursues in the course of one's duty.
In the case of Katsuragi Misato.
“Why..?”
The mission completed.
The task fulfilled.
The threat she rose to meet is gone.
Yet she is not happy.
“Why?”
Why do you reject them?
“My father cared more about his work than he did about his family!”
Even though he tried to make it up to you?
“He just wanted to show off his pet obsession!”
Even though, at the end, he died so that you would not?
“So what? He created a monster!”
You call your own sister a monster?
“There's no way something that savage could exist beside us!”
Did you give her a chance?
“One chance was almost the end of all of us!”
Did you not trust that man?
“Trusting him destroyed everything!”
Why are you running away?
“I'm not running!”
Who are you hiding from?
“I'm not hiding!”
What are you afraid of?
“I'm not afraid!”
Then what are you?
“Angry!”
Why?
“My father abandoned me! My sister nearly killed me! My lover betrayed all of us!”
Did you try to understand them?
“How could I..? Who can be trusted now? Who is there to depend on?”
Frustration.
“I don't understand. How did this happen? How did it come to this? Sumisu-kun, aren't you there? This was part of your plan, wasn't it?”
Confusion.
“Sumisu-kun?”
In the case of Shinano Haruna.
“We followed our orders to the letter. Despite the stiff resistance, it looked like we had the upper hand right up until the explosion... So what now? Aren't I dead?”
Following orders?
“It's our duty as soldiers.”
Even when those orders were questionable?
“The orders came straight from the Prime Minister's office. It was a national—no, a global emergency.”
So you killed those people as they tried to surrender?
“We were told to expect suicide bombers, trying to get close to us under pretense of negotiation.”
So you killed the very old and the very young?
“We were also told that they were using children to pilot their machines and seniors to carry ammo. We already knew that Nerv had been amassing weapons, so we couldn't take any chances.”
And you believed that?
“It's not our place to question our orders.”
Never?
“Never.”
And so you eradicated them without restraint.
“It was our job. No more, no less.”
And now?
“We acted to the best of our ability according to our standing instructions. If the instructions were flawed, that was not our fault.”
Will that be your defense?
“It's the truth.”
Are you a machine?
“No.”
A human?
“Yes.”
Then why were you content to let others dictate your actions?
“It was my duty.”
Is duty a thing which turns humans into machines?
“Duty requires that everyone do his or her part for a common purpose. There is no room for second-guessing and mob rule.”
Then you prefer efficiency, regardless of consequences?
“It's necessary, to ensure our survival.”
Necessary to follow the directives of a small collection of individuals who may be no more qualified to make those directives than you are?
“Someone has to lead the rest. Otherwise we're no more than animals.”
And that comforts you enough for you to discard your conscience?
“I...”
Is this how you wish to be remembered? An automaton who could only follow orders?
“No...”
A machine crafted to exterminate those who were still human?
“No!”
A monster, more so than even the Angels?
”No!”
Then what will you do?
“I... I don't know...”
In the case of Andrzej Maljewski.
“Well, we gave it our best. It was a tall order, trying to defend ourselves and half a city at once... Still, we were holding out just fine until the FlaK ran empty. Did they also manage to take out our tanks?”
Disappointment.
“I suppose we never had a real chance, not against the Strategic Self-Defense Forces. Maybe beating the mercs and the ultranationalists made us too big for our boots.”
Regret.
“Those bastards... That was no way for someone to die, especially not my little girl!”
Fury.
“But it doesn't matter, right? If I'm dead, she must be here with me.”
Hope.
“The others, too... Brian, Hideo, Phil and Errol, Cho, Hui, Karan, Arkady... And what happened to Schuhart?”
Uncertainty.
“Besides that, what now? Did that Third Impact they were talking about happen after all? Where am I?”
Disorientation.
“What am I supposed to do? Wait and see if something forms from this void, or try to find a way out of it? Does anything exist beyond this?”
Fear for the future.
“I just don't understand.”
In the case of Kang Li.
“I've never believed in life after death.”
Belief.
“Even in when I faced rape, torture and worse things in the jungles and on the mountains, I never needed that.”
Certainty.
“When I joined the People's Liberation Army underage twelve years ago, it was both assumed by myself and made clear by my instructors and my surrounding trainees that I was not welcome among them, not when the country suffered from a nearly crippling gender imbalance and all moderately good-looking young women were expected to offer themselves as ready brides for the best men available.”
Memories.
“I didn't care. I was young, hot-headed and wanted to fight for the Party. I'd spent too much of my childhood listening to my grandfather's aggrandized tales of his parents' participation in the Long March. Since they were in the First Route Army, there was only ever the one march in his tellings.”
Nostalgia.
“My comrades didn't like my insistence on discipline, even less so when it started getting me promoted. They called me a daughter of Kang Sheng and joked that they were in Cambodia to clean up my family's legacy.”
Peer rejection.
“After Cambodia, we were sent to Xinjiang to deal with the Islamic separatist movements. There was a lot of upset back home about the matter, but I don't think we could have managed to keep possession of the region if we hadn't given in to Washington's pressure and let Xizang go. One for the other, and tolerable relations with the Americans as a bonus.”
Is that how you felt?
“In my grandfather's tellings, it was never about China versus anyone else. It was always communists versus nationalists, bandits or foreign imperialists. I learned to see the world in terms of ideologies, not nations or ethnicities, and what I ultimately came to believe in was an international ideal, not the momentary policies of my hypocritical government.”
Did you believe that at the time?
“Not all of it. I don't think I really understood until after I came back from Xinjiang. My superiors had promoted me right off the battlefield, but they felt I needed more... self restraint. I was sent to Hong Kong to work on my people skills. While I was there, two things happened which changed my life.”
What were those?
“One was my first foray into the central library. I'd done well in school until I dropped out to enlist, but I'd had little interest in expanding my knowledge until I was in Hong Kong. I even worked up the courage to read things in English after a while. I tried to concentrate on subjects which were related to my work and interests: Fairbairn and Sykes, Edgar Snow... He Zizhen and Yan Xishan, long little more than embarrassing footnotes in my homeland's official history, became my inspiration.”
And the other thing?
“I met Cheng Mei. She was a teenager then, on school break and eager to get away from her overbearing father for a while. We met in the library when I was returning a book about the Spanish Civil War... She was bored, occupied with romanticized visions of high adventure in the warlord years. I was wearing my officer's uniform for lack of anything else, and I suppose she must have noticed that I'd recently come from Xinjiang, where the contemporary action was.”
How did you feel about her?
“She was outgoing, vivacious and had a certain naive charm. She was very good at getting me out of my frequent bad moods, and meeting her, at the library or elsewhere, quickly became my preferred way of unwinding after stressful days. I liked her in a casual way.”
And after that?
“I didn't see her again for a number of years. In the meantime, I'd been promoted to colonel and fought both from behind a desk and in the field in a handful of conflicts so small that they failed to receive more than passing coverage in the domestic press. After the conclusion of an especially volatile skirmish, I got called out to celebrate with some other officers... A general got drunk and groped me. I punched him.”
Regardless of the consequences?
“I assumed it was the end of my career, but the next day there was a call from Ambassador Cheng in Japan. He wanted someone to keep an eye on his daughter, since he didn't have the time or inclination to do it himself, and she had asked for me. It was a good deal as far as my superiors were concerned, and so I was shipped off.”
Were you happy?
“I wasn't any more popular in my new job, not that I much cared. As long as I was near the younger Cheng, I was happy...”
But?
“I'm not sure when my feelings changed. One day I was watching her swim and... I can only call it a panic attack. I didn't want to admit that I had a romantic, let alone sexual, interest in another woman. Even after I came to terms with my feelings, I had to live with the bitter knowledge that there was no official sanction of such things in the People's Republic. Because of the massive population loss after Second Impact, public feeling was also against those who were tongzhi... It would be impossible, because I was one in both senses.”
So you kept it to yourself.
“I didn't know what else to do.”
Even though it hurt?
“Yes.”
What now?
“I don't know... I have to find her, have to know how she feels, before I can know what I should do.”
In the case of Svetlana Kirova.
Pripyat, ten years ago. An abandoned apartment block with walls stained by damp. Rain leaking in through so many cracks. Lying on my back, legs bare, on Yevgeny's ragged sleeping bag... Valentin's parents lived in the city before the disaster. He'd snuck back in several times, usually to loot things. This time he brought the rest of the gang with him... His voice going on and on in the next room, Nikita sliding his hands under my shirt... Valentin saying we should skip picking through the ruins of the city and go for the antennas to the south instead, the old Duga-3 radar transmitter. The Americans and their allies called it the Steel Yard: Valentin thought it was a trove of scrap metal, free for the taking... Nikita muttering something about me, dragging his rough fingers down my belly.
First time.
Nikita pushing into me, so wide it feels like his fist. He probably made up that rule about no virgins being allowed in the gang while we were checking out the hotel. Wanting to scream, only able to whimper. Valentin and Yevgeny coming in from the other room, the others following... Valentin pulling Nikita off, Yevgeny helping me sit up. Angry words back and forth. Yevgeny's voice in my ear, telling me to hold still. Blood oozing out of me, dripping on the sleeping bag.
Premature experience.
Standing on the roof after the rain, looking out at the nuclear power plant under a clear sky. Yevgeny doing some kind of trick with the beat-up Makarov he stole years ago, twirling it back and forth. His girlfriend, Vera, asking me about the bleeding.
Calm before a storm.
Valentin lowering his binoculars, saying the radar facility is no good. Soldiers, Ukrainian internal troops, patrolling in the distance: assault rifles against a couple of pistols and Nikita's sawed-off shotgun, the side-by-side he's so proud of. Crawling back the way we came, my female organs burning with each move.
The beginning of one's pain.
Ten years, a thousand faces. A routine so mechanical I could do it in a coma. All the same: penetrating, ejaculating, withdrawing. Occasionally kissing or fondling, always quickly leaving. Some returning, others placed at my mercy for killing. None caring.
Yearning for affection.
Someone different appearing—someone free, outside the system. Volunteering myself to protect him from a hidden enemy. Feelings growing from interest to admiration to love. Who was he?
You don't remember?
Watching, following, eliminating, all for him. Offering myself and being rejected. Seeking him even in sleep. Who was he?
You don't remember?
An accident and an injury. More and more enemies, overt now. That man keeping me close to him, trying to shield me from my past. Desperation leading to pretend betrayal, all forgiven. On my back again, fingers parting my labia. A happiness I'd never experienced before. Who was he?
You don't remember?
A face, narrow and jutting, brown hair and gray eyes. A deep need to follow and protect. Another face, round and pockmarked, blond hair and one dead milky-blue eye. An equally deep hatred, a yearning to hunt and destroy. Why?
You don't remember.
Something's missing, something I cherished. Something in me is broken.
What do you wish for?
I want to find that man again.
***
Part 60: Hypothetical Boy Hysterical Ikari ShinjiS | RESETTO MAI WARUDO
***
“Kaji-kun?”
“Katsuragi... I—”
In the case of Kaji Ryoji.
“Why? Why did you do it?”
“To protect you.”
“What?”
“The enemy approached me through moles in Section Two, when Sumisu was on his way back from Hong Kong. They showed me a video clip of... Of the execution of a top-level Seele member's daughter.”
“The same video Sumisu-kun was given by that cyborg? The sword one?”
“Yes. They told me they had the power to place anyone they wished under perfect mind control.”
“And they threatened to use it on me.”
“It wasn't just you. They said anyone was fair game... Shinji, Asuka, Ritsuko...”
“If you were coerced into it, why didn't you come to me or Sumisu-kun?”
“The truth is... I was afraid of the possible consequences. They made no secret about that woman and her mercenary friends being in their employ, and they hinted that they already had high-ranking figures in the government under their control. Everything happened so quickly—I couldn't come up with ideas faster than the changing situation invalidated them.”
“Why did you shoot Sumisu-kun?”
“The mercenaries' ambush was a last-minute addition, something they improvised when Sumisu decided to follow the attackers. I wanted to wait for an opening so that I could turn the tables, but it didn't work out in my favor. The shooting was an accident: I wanted to miss, but he was too fast.”
“Faster than you, but not fast enough to avoid it.”
“That's right... After that, all I could do was pretend to obey them and hope he managed to stay alive. I meant to explain myself when he came back, but I never really got a chance to.”
“Maybe Sumisu-kun understood you better than we did.”
“It wasn't like that... He came to see me later, after the meeting.”
“And you told him?”
“Everything. He said there was one way to prove I was really on his side... I was up half the night helping him pry information about Seele, Second Impact and the rest of this sordid business out of the Magi archives. When the attack started, he gave me the data drive we'd copied it all onto and told me to get to the radio towers at the south end of the lake.”
“Why?”
“It was our insurance, in case Seele's pawns succeeded in quelling us: broadcast their dirty secrets for all the world to hear so that others would break their power if we didn't survive.”
“And you did it?”
“I was a little more than three-quarters done when the SSDF noticed and fired a cruise missile at me.”
“I see.”
“I don't expect to be forgiven. I just wanted you to know why I—”
“Kaji-san, you idiot!”
“Asuka? You're here too?”
“If that Tiller maniac was threatening us, you should have warned Smith or Misato right away! His minions were nothing—didn't you hear how they got their butts kicked?”
“Not until Sumisu got back, no.”
“Tch. You disappoint me... Well, I'm sure you'll have plenty of chances to make up for it later.”
“Asuka—Asuka, slow down. How did you get here?”
“I'm not sure... I remember a lot of pain and Mama yelling, and then I was in this... This whatever-it-is. Did we lose the fight?”
“From a tactical perspective, yes.”
“Ugh, manly-girl again. What do you need now?”
“From you, nothing... Major, our father wants to see you.”
“What..?”
In the case of Katsuragi Akira.
“Sayaka isn't here after all... Were only those of us in Antarctica preserved?”
“At least you won't suffer alone.”
“Kyoko? I'm glad for a familiar face.”
“Only because you don't know just how much of the world went to hell after you departed it. The first year was absolutely horrible... I'm sure we both have a lot of catching up to do. Where's my useless ex-husband hiding himself?”
“Er... Hello, Kyoko.”
“Don't you 'hello' me, Adrian Langley! While the flames of romance may have been snuffed out long ago and while you may in my absence be free to get hitched to whomever you please—though I must say I find your taste extremely poor—I am not at all happy with the way you've handled your obligation towards our daughter!”
“Well, I—I could say the same for you.”
”I couldn't help the way I was after what happened with the Eva. You put her out of mind as soon as you could get away with it!”
“You were the one who was dead-set on having a child in the first place, regardless of professional obligations.”
“Are you trying to imply something?”
“I'm just saying that you were the one who pushed—”
“Oho! Gotten quite bold, haven't—”
“Would you two kindly shut the hell up?”
“T-Takao-san!”
“Sorry, Shinji, but somebody had to say it. If I'm stuck in this limbo with you guys, the last thing I want to hear is a formerly married couple bickering. You two can do your furniture throwing after we're outta here.”
“Er... Not to be rude, Kyoko, but I think the young woman has a point.”
“Humph... Very well, Akira. Adrian, I'll deal with you later. Asuka-chan, where are you?”
“Phew... Er... Hello, Misato.”
“...”
“Look, I'm—”
“You're what, sorry?”
“I am, really. The truth is... Um...”
“I don't need your excuses!”
“Misato, please! The truth is... Well...”
“Well..?”
“It's that I—I feel like my words are being typed by someone who doesn't really understand me, and that, um, it would be better to wait for a more qualified author to compose our reunion.”
Quite right. Reichu, get cracking!
“Karolina-san..?”
“Oh, Shinji. I didn't think you'd remember me.”
“Of course I do! You were the one who said all those things about believing in myself and everything, when I was so scared about having to fight!”
“Oh... Uh, yes... Actually, I was pretty much making that up as I went along.”
“But it was true! I felt a lot better after that!”
“Well, that's good... Er, is that Rei?”
“You're right. Ayanami, I'm glad you're okay... and, um, I'm sorry about avoiding you earlier. I guess I... I needed some time to make sense of everything Sumisu-san said.”
“...”
“Ayanami..?”
“That's not Rei.”
“Ritsuko-san?”
“It's someone else, using her image.”
“Someone else? What do you mean?”
“It must be Mikasa.”
In the case of Mikasa Hinako.
“Almost nobody at Nerv knows about her... Even I didn't for a long time. Since Sumisu didn't mention the matter in his grand revelations, I suspect even he didn't know.”
“But who is this Mikasa-san?”
“The donor whose soul was placed in Eva Zero. She was a nobody, really—a toddler who died in a car accident at a convenient time. This was well before I came to what was then Gehirn, so what I know of it is based on the few files I've found in the Magi... As I understand it, there was considerable dissatisfaction with that particular aspect of Eva construction. Those in charge didn't like the idea of their would-be puppet giants being inhabited by souls which might not be easily subdued, and those they already had—a potential rebel and a madwoman—were hardly the sort to inspire confidence. In addition to that consideration, Eva Zero in particular needed a pliant soul due to the primitive nature of the prototype's integral restraints. They could have avoided the issue by shelving Zero or rebuilding the implants, but those options were rejected.”
“And they thought that a... a child would do?”
“Yes. What they didn't know until after they'd gotten possession of her body and done the transfer was that the dead girl was autistic. The consequential limitations became obvious once the Eva was actually tested with a pilot.”
“Then... those incidents where Eva Zero went out of control...”
“A combination of inadequate restraints and the child's temper. At this stage, the most likely reason for the lashing out is that she learned to associate the synchronization procedures and the people running them, particularly me, with physical and emotional distress.”
“And when we did that one cross-sync test, when I thought I felt Ayanami...”
“That was probably this child as well. Both her condition and her age would have stunted her ability to form a concrete identity, an image of self. It's not impossible that she picked up Rei's after repeated contact and adopted it in place of her own... It may also be that she projected herself as Rei when you were in the plug because Rei herself, who was the only 'other' in direct contact prior to that test, was absent, as if to say 'where is the one I know?'”
“That's... That's awful! Trapped like that, all alone...”
“I know, but there's not much either of us can do about it now... Come to think of it, where's the real Rei?”
“I am here.”
“Ayanami! Are you all right?”
“Yes... my brother.”
“Um...”
“Rei, what is this? Third Impact happened, didn't it?”
“Yes.”
“Did they... Did they get you, Ayanami? Sumisu-san said the enemy would try to use you to start their Instrumentality plan...”
“That man, the cruel one who scarred so many souls, wished to do so, but he could not.”
“Then what is this? If the enemy was stopped, why did this happen?”
“This was Sumisu-san's final wish.”