Toying with the idea of scripting an abridged series...

[psychosis090]

Here's a rough draft I wrote for the first episode of a possible Evangelion abridged series. Tell me what you guys think of it so far:

EDIT: This idea has always been shit. Here's a slightly less shittier version of it:

EPISODE 1


RANDOM SOLDIER: (annoying, 'wacky guy' voice) Oh mai gawd! Eeeets Godzrir-

RANDOM SOLDIER #2: Wasn't funny the first three times, retard!

(cuffs him)

RANDOM SOLDIER: Urgh!

LOUDSPEAKER: (calm and smarmy) As of 10:30 this morning, a special state of emergency has been declared, due to the appearance of a large scary monster headed straight towards the city. Of course, as it is now 2PM, if you still haven't evacuated you should probably just curl up and wait for death, you fucking moron.

(cut to Shinji at payphone HERP DERP)

RECORDED MESSAGE: Sorry guy, but due to the unexpected crisis, all phone lines have been disconnected. Just keep yourself out of trouble and don't go around sticking your nose in places where it doesn't concern you. There's a good little pleb.

Shinji: Well that's just brilliant. The one time my father finally decides to see me and we're attacked by goddamned space aliens.

Hmm. Well, It's been two hours and not one sign of her. Give her one more hour and then I'll seriously consider leaving.

(has a vision of Rei in her school uniform in the distance. Shinji jerks out a 'whathefffu'. Jerks out "Jesus!" when distracted by birds leaving. Looks back and sees nothing)

Shinji: (mono, nervous): Okay....that was pretty strange.....AGH!

(ground shakes, monster approaches.)

Shinji (panicking): Alright, maybe if I just stand here and pretend to be a statue it'll go away!

(cut to NERV)

LOUDSPEAKER (laid back): Thing's still comin' this way! Pictures, gents! (monster promptly appears on screen)

FUYUTSUKI: So, it's been fifteen years and the Angels have finally returned.

GENDO: Already know that, guy. So yeah, fuck that thing.

(cut back to Shinji on street, missiles flying through the streets)

Shinji: AAAAGHH!! THE OTHER DIRECTION!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FIRING AT THE MONSTER, NOT- WAAGH! JESUS!!

(Misato pulls up)

Misato: (quickly) Teehee! Hope I'm not too late. I'm not? Super!

(back to NERV)

TECHIE: Huh. Hardly made a dent.

MILITARY TYPE: Wait a second, j-just wait a second, guys. Maybe it'll surrender if we just keep shooting at it...

MILITARY TYPE 2: With all due respect sir.........you're a complete retard.

MILITARY TYPE 3: Yes, I agree with young whatshisname here. Let's nuke the crap out of it instead.

FUYUTSUKI: Could you please tell them about the AT Field, Ikari....

IKARI: Hey, shut up! I wanna see this.

FUYUTSUKI: N2 mines are phenomenally expensive, not to mention-

IKARI: Seriously, Fuyutski? You're being a total buzzkill here. Just shut up and watch.

(cut to Misato and Shinji as N2 mine is deployed)

Misato: (under her breath) Oh, goddamn you, Ikari. GET DOWN! (shields a confused Shinji, who makes several muffled, annoyed grunts)

MILITARY TYPE: Choke on them apples, creepy glasses.

TECHIE: Inspecting the damage...nope, still there.

MILITARY TYPE: Aw, for fuck's sake!

OTHER MILITARY TYPE: Sir! Watch your language in front of Harris!

HARRIS: (crying) H-h-h-he said the F-word!

(cut back to Misato and Shinji)

Misato: (Bright and peppy again) Woo! That went way better than I thought it would.

Shinji: Ugh. I'm actually a bit nauseous after that.

Misato: (teasing) Daaaw, ya little pussy! It's just a harmless little 12 megaton explosion. Come on, live a little! By the way, name's Misato.

Shinji: Yeah, uh, Shinji. Misato, If I could just ask a you few questions-

Misato: (quickly) Welp, mustn't dilly-dally. Off again!

MILITARY TYPE 2: Well, it looks like you'll be getting your way after all. The JSSDF and the United Nations are now officially your bitches. I sure hope you're happy.

IKARI: Very. First order of business: lick my boots, you lowly maggot.

(on the way to NERV)

Misato: (on phone) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got him right here with me. The blast shook up the car a little bit, we ran out of power at one stage, but shit's all cool now. Be there in five. Peace. (hangs up)

Shinji: You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this. It wasn't very nice when you yanked those batteries from that bomb shelter!

Misato: Nooo, nooo. It's all cool, little guy. I got clearance and everything. Oughtta be juuuust fine.

Shinji: The way they just kept pleading and pleading....I'm gonna have nightmares....

Misato: Oh, you! Teehee! Need to stick to your priorities in a situation like this. It's totally urgent for you to be here above everything else!

Shinji: ...you shot that man in the chest....

Misato: That was fun, wasn't it?

(they enter NERV)

Shinji: Err...what's this? NERV?

Misato: (still unnervingly perky) Uh huh! A super secret paramilitary organisation under the supervision of the UN! And you're in it! Bet you feel real special, now!

Shinji: That's where my father is, isn't it?

Misato: Yeah, yeah! Do you know what he does?

Shinji: Well.....my teacher said that he was...the coldest, most baddest motherfucker on the face of the Earth...

(cut to NERV)

IKARI: Aight, retards. Ikari's your daddy now. First thing needs doing....we're gonna activate Unit-01.

FUYUTSUKI: But how are we going to do that if we don't have a pilot?

IKARI: Fuyutsuki? Okay? Didn't I just say I had everything under control? My most trusted captain is bringing in a fresh one as we speak.

(back to Misato and Shinji)

Misato: Aw shit, there's no beer left.

Shinji: Father.... (flashback)

IKARI (FLASHBACK): (casually, almost cheerful) See ya!

Misato: (now drunk and bitter) Yeah, I hated my dad too. Selfish prick....I mean, the only thing he ever did worthwhile was sac-

Shinji: Oh my God!

Misato: Yeah! Real pretty, ain't it? It's called a Geo-Front. Don't fucking know why. Sounds pretty cool though. And it's totally safe here, too.

(Misato and Shinji are lost. Map is useless)

Misato: Huh. Everything's all blurry...I'll just give my old pal Ritsuko a buzz. She'll hook us up!

PA SYSTEM: Dr. Akagi, you are required in the section with all the escalators. Looks like the bitch is drunk again.

RITSUKO: (mumbles acidly) Ugh. Naturally.

Misato: (is humming elevator music in her head. Ritsuko shows up) Bwah!Err....um....howdy ho?

RITSUKO: Just what the hell are you doing? We could all die if I leave my post!

Misato: Err....tough titty...said the kitty?

RITSUKO: Ugh. Never mind. (barely looks over Shinji). So this is all we've got?

Misato: Yep. He's the Third Child, alright.

Shinji: Uh-

RITSUKO: Yeah, did I say you could talk? This way, please.

IKARI: (on mini-elevator) God I love riding this thing. (imitates elevator hum) Fwwooooooooooooom (echoes down with him)

FUYUTSUKI: And this is a man who abandons his son for ten years?

(in the hangar)

Shinji: Hey! What happened to the light? (light comes on) BWAH!

(Unit 01 reveal)

What....the.....fuuuuck?

RITSUKO: Quiet you. It's just your average giant humanoid battle weapon. Around here, we like to call it Evangelion Unit-01. So stop getting your panties in a bunch and-

IKARI: (loud, echoing) Oh, hey there! Didn't see you come in.

Shinji: Father....

IKARI: Just as scrawny and useless as the day I left you. Anyway, we movin' out, yo.

Misato: Moving out? But we don't have a pilot!

RITSUKO: Misato, you just keep finding new ways to baffle me. It's him, you friggin' dolt. (faces Shinji) Shinji.....

Shinji: (in a state of complete shock): Hurmbra...hummina...ummashuggina..uhhh...whuh?

RITSUKO: Get in. Come on, haven't got all day. Chop chop.

Shinji: Soooo.....Dad.......this is.......I'm....I'm totally at a loss for words right now....

IKARI: No one else can do it, guy. Get in or we're all gonna die.

Shinji: (Struggles a bit) WHY ME?! Can I just get something... of a hint of an explanation here!?

IKARI: Shit's classified, son. Gonna have to take our word for it. Come on, alien's a-comin'. Tick tock, tick tock.

Shinji: You.........ASSHOLE!!!

Misato: Now Shinji, I know this is all pretty sudden and we haven't really told you much, but right now you're being incredibly whiny and selfish. Stop being a big baby and go save the world!

Shinji: Just....J...I...you.....the christ?.....wha?...

IKARI: Well, this is going nowhere. Initiate Operation Guilt Trip. Rei?

Rei: (wounded gurgling inflected like a question)

IKARI: Haul your ass out here.

Rei: (acquiescent gurgling)

(nurses and medics cart Rei in)

IKARI: Yeah, you're gonna have to do it again, I'm afraid. Ooh! (winces). That does look painful! I'm not sure if she's gonna last long. Though, maybe...could one of you nurses break her fingers? You know, like, distract her from the pai-

(Angel attacks)

-Aw, too late.

Misato: Look out!

(Unit 01 deflects falling debris)

IKARI (mono) : Nice work, sweetie!

Shinji: (blood on hands, reeling from the pressure) Oh god. There's really no way around it, is there....Alright. I'll do it.

(abridged launch sequence)

Shinji: Hey what the hell?

RITSUKO: (increasingly irritated) Liquid oxygen. Just breathe it in and take it like a man.

Shinji: Oh, that is nasty.

Misato: (sharply) Shut up! Just what is it with you and whining about everything? Honestly.

(more of the abridged launch sequence. Pregnant pause after it is finished)

Misato: Oh, right. LAAAAAUUUUNNNNCCHHHH!!!!!!

(Unit 01 launches. Extremely loud, extremely short high-pitched scream is heard for a second, as camera doesn't follow the Eva up the shaft. Immediately cut to street level. Scream is faint and gets louder and louder until Eva reaches surface. Both Shinji and his screaming reel with the impact).

RITSUKO: Kay! So I guess we just wing it from here. And remember, we're all counting on you, so it's in your very best interest not to fuck this one up. Stay completely focused, listen carefully to everything we say, and just keep in mind one thing: IT'S ALL OVER IF YOU LOSE, SO IT'S IMPORTANT NOT TO LET THE PRESSURE GET TO YOU!

(Shinji is absolutely terrified)

Misato: Hmmm.......do you suppose we've been a little too hard on him?

TO BE CONTINUED

Misato: Alrighty! Next time, Shinji wins the big robot battle (duh!), has trouble adjusting to his new surroundings, we have some wacky shenanigans at my place, and I show you some T 'n' A! Ha ha ha ha ha! (low, hollow voice) It's all I really have left.......(laughs manically) BYYYYEEEEE!!!!

[SpearofLonginus]

I just wish someone would finish their abridged Eva... ;__; Or just tackle End of Eva by itself. Then I'd be content~

[Vegeta 20XX]

Well, before you do so, it'd probably do you some good to analyze more popular Abridged Series (like the original, YGO Abridged, for example) to get a feel for how the humor is done. Also, every NGE fan and their dog wants to make NGE Abridged, so it'd be a good idea to be sure that someone else that has tried before you hasn't outdone you in terms of funnyness. Nothing hurts worse than doing something and finding out that someone did it before you and did it BETTER.

[Joseph the PRPD]

analyze more popular Abridged Series get a feel for how the humor is done

There is no set in stone way for how humor in an abridged series parodies should be done. Some "abridged" titled parodies do have their own style of humor.
The humor in RebornZombie's NGE Abridged isn't the same as LK's YGO TAS yet it's still funny and works well.

Also, someone shouldn't write their script with the intent of being funnier than someone else and/or a certain person and I feel that someone shouldn't try "analyzing" the humor in another person's parody because that person can become greatly discouraged when writing their episodes or skits and it can negatively effect the final product.

The OP shouldn't worry whether or not someone is better or if someone has done a particular bit before him/her. It's not a contest.

[esselfortium]

Well, before you do so, it'd probably do you some good to analyze more popular Abridged Series (like the original, YGO Abridged, for example) to get a feel for how the humor is done. Also, every NGE fan and their dog wants to make NGE Abridged, so it'd be a good idea to be sure that someone else that has tried before you hasn't outdone you in terms of funnyness. Nothing hurts worse than doing something and finding out that someone did it before you and did it BETTER.

If you have to do this to determine if you're funny or not, the answer is "no, you're not funny."

[chazthesilencer]

You've grown, PRPD.
Some sensible advice there, but writing a parody to be the funniest ever, better than all others, certainly isn't a bad approach.

If you're taking this seriously psychosis090, you better do your homework, search youtube and see what others have done before you.
Be sure to make something original and of your own style.

The script above has failed to impress esselfortium and I, two fans of Evangelion; so if we were part of your intended audience, you better try again.

[Vegeta 20XX]

You've grown, PRPD.
Some sensible advice there, but writing a parody to be the funniest ever, better than all others, certainly isn't a bad approach.

If you're taking this seriously psychosis090, you better do your homework, search youtube and see what others have done before you.
Be sure to make something original and of your own style.

The script above has failed to impress esselfortium and I, two fans of Evangelion; so if we were part of your intended audience, you better try again.

This is closer to what I was trying to say, I think I worded it a little wrong.

[esselfortium]

The script above has failed to impress esselfortium and I, two fans of Evangelion; so if we were part of your intended audience, you better try again.

Eh? I only briefly glanced through the script. I was just remarking on Vegeta's advice.

[Sailor Star Dust]

Shinji(mono): Sweet lord.....what a disappointment. Thought it'd have like tentacles and veins and lasers and stuf--WAAAAGHH SHIT FUCK SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKWAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! (screams like a little girl)

-----

IKARI: Alright, retards. Ikari's your daddy now. First thing needs doing....we're gonna activate Unit-01.

FUYUTSUKI: But how are we going to do that if we don't have a pilot?

IKARI: Bitch, didn't I just say I had everything under control? My most trusted captain is bringing in a fresh one as we speak.

Misato: Aw shit, there's no beer left.

Shinji: Father.... (flashback)

IKARI (FLASHBACK): (casually, almost cheerful) See ya!

This part right here had me in hysterics, but then again I think normally quiet Shinji flipping out due to fear is usually funny anyway. The banter with Fuyutsuki/Gendo and Misato was great too.

That aside, I liked what I read overall though I can be pretty easy going with humor. My own piece of advice is swearing (as well as toilet/gross-out humor) isn't necessarily funny: it's more that timing is everything. But so far what you have looks good, I think.

Also, taking Chaz's and ThePRPD's advice is a good way to go. Look at other works (Youtube Poops included I suppose) and don't try to be the "best", just do this because you love Eva.

IKARI: (on mini-elevator) God I love riding this thing. (imitates elevator hum) Fwwooooooooooooom (echoes down with him)

[psychosis090]

Move along, nothing to see here.

[soul.assassin]

Just to get you motivated, here's something I think you can use:
http://www.evamonkey.com/addition_audio_drama.php

[psychosis090]

Edit: I can't deny that I wrote this. However, here's a version that I'm slightly more proud of. But not that much.


EPISODE 2


RITSUKO: Alright then, Shinji. For now, just try to focus on walking.

Shinji: (extremely anxious) Walking...

(it does)

RITSUKO: (genuinely surprised) Oh my god! It actually walked! I didn't even think we'd get that far!

Shinji: Wait, what? Argh!

RITSUKO: (clearly not confident) Alright, alright. That's no biggie. Just get back up and be prepared for it's attack!

Shinji: Wuh...

(gets his ass beat. Angel pulls at his arm)

Shinji: (screams in agony)

Misato: Don't worry! That isn't your arm! It might feel exactly like it is, but it's not! Really!

(arm snaps, Shinji is almost catatonic)

RITSUKO: Watch your head!

(Angel pins him, keeps cracking at his skull)

RITSUKO:......too late.

Misato: OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE SHINJI-

(Shinji wakes up in hospital bed, jerks out something incomprehensible like 'HURRGGHNGHT!')

Shinji: (breathing) Jesus...Oh god. That was one hell of a nightmare. Anyhow, I'd better get back to writing that psych essay for (stops) ....wait.....(increasingly anxious) I don't remember this ceiling.....

(Cut to image of Tokyo-3 skyline as Shinji screams his little lungs out. Cut to SEELE hologram board meeting)

SEELE GUY 1: Well, looks like it's all started just the way we planned it. Almost too soon, actually.

SEELE GUY 2: Good thing we're the only competent shadow government in the world, otherwise we'd all be pretty much dead. What I wouldn't give to see the Illuminati's faces right now...

SEELE GUY 3: If we could just get back to the agenda, here; we still have to explain to the world why Tokyo's missing a few skyscrapers and what that huge, bright explosioney thing was.

IKARI: S'all cool. Don't worry. All under control.

TELEVISION: ...by a Chinese terrorist cell trying to disguise itself as alien invaders. Also the Russians. Yeah, there were almost definitely Russians involved! Crafty buggers, can't trust em'! I suggest we launch a retaliatory strike....

Misato: Wouldn't want to be those guys.

SEELE GUY 1: Also, could you be a bit more careful with this whole Eva business? Poor France over there is going to go bankrupt at this rate!

SEELE FRANCE: Wait, what?

SEELE GUY 2: And there's only so much hidden Nazi gold we can fund you with...

KEELE: Absolutely. And don't neglect the Human Instrumentality Project. That should be your number one priority!

IKARI: Wow! I almost forgot about that! Thanks for reminding me! I'm only the guy that fucking proposed the damn thing in the first place!

KEELE: Woa-hoah! Down boy! Just making sure you're focused, that's all. It's our only hope for survival. There's no turning back now. (all holograms disappear)

IKARI: (muttering) Fuckin' tell me what to do. I'm Gendo Fucking Ikari, that's who. I do whatever the fuck I want...senile old ki-

(cut mid-slur to Misato and RITSUKO in car)

Misato: Hey, how do you think my boobs look to the hidden camera that's always following me around?

RITSUKO: You just keep getting loopier every day. Oh, and it looks like the pilot has woken up. Woke up damn near the entire medical wing, by the sounds of it. Probably nothing to worry about.

Misato: So he's alright?

RITSUKO: Pretty much, yeah. Just a slight dash of amnesia, though.

Misato: You don't suppose the Eva tried to scramble his brains or something?

RITSUKO: Ho ho hooo...no. (thoughtfully) That just isn't her style.

Misato: What? "Her"?

RITSUKO: (dismissive) Military parlance, nothing more. Hey, is this our stop?

(scenes of construction work, moving Eva components)

WORKER: (in the background) ....I mean, just what the hell is this supposed to be....(goes off on his little tangent)

Misato: Well, gotta split. That kid's been waiting for quite a while, and I bet he's still a bit mad at me for almost getting him killed the last time I was late. Oh well!

WORKER:....I mean, putting an explosives cache right under the playground?

(cut to Shinji in hospital)

Shinji: Okay...okay. Maybe it was a dream, but I was knocked out while some horrible disaster happened, and that's why I'm here instead of (sees Misato) ARGH!

Misato: Yello!

Shinji: Oh god, the nightmare is complete!

(father and son elevator encounter)

IKARI: (mono) Ah? Oooh. How to handle this...that's it! Staring contest.

(stare down takes place, Shinji looks away)

IKARI: (mono) Well played. Another victory for Gendo Ikari!

Misato: Him? Live alone? That can't be right.

Shinji: Oh, it's nothing really. I mean I can cook, I can bathe, I can do all the housekeeping...I don't even really need to have friends, actually. I can just sit in the corner with my tape player, have long conversations with my shadow...

RITSUKO: (on phone) WHAT?!

Misato: No, no, (louder) I said he's going to live with me and that's that! It really looks like he could do with some company.

RITSUKO: Yeah, I heard you! And I think you're making a big mistake! This is your third apartment, after the other two caught fire and brought down the whole...

Misato: (to herself) Pfft. That was different. (darkens) I had to get rid of the evidence somehow...

(Misato and Shinji in car)

Misato: We-hell! Just gotta pick up a few things for our little party tonight.

Shinji: Party? Isn't it just the two of us?

Misato: Oh, believe me, I don't even need a second person for it to be a party. Which is every night. And that wasn't sexual or anything. I'm talking beer. Lots and lots of beer.

(inside convenience store)

UNSEEN MAN: You know, this place looks a little flimsy to me. Guy could do a lot of damage with this here tire iron...

UNSEEN CLERK: Oh, you rotten bastards. Here! Just take it!

UNSEEN MAN: Thank you, and on behalf of NERV Security Intelligence, have a very pleasant evening!

OTHER PATRONS: Oh god, just keep walking, keep walking...

(back in the car)

Misato: Ooh! I almost forgot! I have to show you something.

Shinji: Uhhh...about what happened back at the store...

Misato: Shinji, this isn't the time or the place. Misato has a big headache and has to concentrate now.

(both get out and look at the skyline)

Shinji: Huh. Well, that's pretty I suppose. But more importantly-

Misato: Just watch, silly.

(buildings fully retract)

Shinji: Wow! So at night, the buildings retract and it becomes like a fortress! (humbled) This is actually quite beautiful.

Misato: Yes, it is. And it is the city you helped protect.

(tender moment?)

Misato: You know, this is a perfect opportunity to memorise the locations of all the recharge stations, weapon caches, emergence points and whatnot. We can stay here for like five or ten minutes while you get your bearings. Do you need pen and paper? I keep some in the glove compartment if you'd like...

(oh my no)

(At Misato's filthy apartment)

Misato: Just gotta change into my party gear teehee! Which is pretty much just a pair of Daisy Dukes and a loose t-shirt. Also I'm not wearing a bra. Hope that doesn't bother you........(weary) teehee.

Shinji: Yeah...ok...I suppose....(surveys apartment) Goddamn, she wasn't kidding about partying!

(wacky domestic comedy sequence begins)

Misato: AAAWWWW YEEEEAHHH!!!

(chugs beer)

Misato: AAAAAAHHHfwaaafwaaaafwaaaafwaafwaaaaafwaaa!!!! <SNORT> THAT WAS FUCKIN' GREEAAATT!!

Misato: (more manic and perky than usual) Hey. Hey. Heyheyheyhey. What's the problem? Ya haven't touched a thing!

Shinji: It's alright, I'm just getting used to all this-

Misato: Hey! Heyheyheyheyhey! Na' lissen, lissen, you should just lighten tha fuck up a little and EAT WHAT I'VE FUCKIN' DAMN WELL GIVEN YOU!!

Shinji: I-I-I'm sorry! I just-

Misato: (switches back to perky and syrupy) Teehee! Isn't this just the best?

Shinji: Errm...Tell you what, I could really use a good shower right now!

(warning appears on screen: GOOFINESS REACHING CRITICAL MASS IN 3....2.....1.....)

(Pen-Pen jumps out and spooks Shinji. He screams goofily and runs out to kitchen naked....also goofily. By now, the picture is visibly beginning to distort and turn a shade of red and the audio is also distorting. On screen warning changes to: DISASTER IMMINENT. EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!)

Shinji: (distorted) M-m-m-m-m-Misato!

Misato: (distorted) Oh, that's just Pen-Pen. He's a hot spring penguin.

(face of Hideaki Anno phases in and out of view)

HIDEAKI ANNO: (distorted) Verry much hi-rar-ity! You raugh now! Penguin! Naked boy! Toothpicks! Silly music! Verry much hi-rar-ity happening nau! RAUGH! RAUGH!!! YUUU WIIRRRUU SAAABBUUUMMIIIITTTUUUUU!!!!

(Audio and visual distortion peaks to a disturbing level, then suddenly cuts to black. Black then cuts back to Shinji in the bathtub)

Shinji: Wah? W-ww....what the hell just happened? How did I get here? Oh god, I'm so tired I don't even care anymore. I think I'll just go to bed.

(abrupt scene transition)

Shinji: Ah, there we go. (silence) Wait a minute.....it's all coming back to me...

(flashback)

LONG-HAIRED MAN: Shit's fucked, basically!

THE OTHER GIRL ONE: Everything's all backwards!

GLASSES MAN: Oh, and the pilot's almost dead, I guess!

RITSUKO: Break the goddamn circuit!

THE OTHER GIRL ONE: Didn't you just hear the man say 'shit was fucked'?! It's rejecting all our signals!

Misato: Eject!

THE OTHER GIRL ONE: No signals! I just told you! AND COULD EVERYBODY JUST STOP SHOUTING?!

IKARI: And now, my trump card.

(presses button. Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up blares loudly all over the city from hundreds of powerful loudspeakers)

(The Eva reacts)

UNIT-01: Muuuurrrrr....wuurrrrrrghh....MUUUUAARRRRGHHH!!!!!

(unstoppable rage, basically)

UNIT-01: RRAAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!! NOOOOOTTT FUUUUUNNNNNEEEEEE!!!!!!

IKARI: And the coup-de-gras...

(loudspeakers play the Numa Numa song)

UNIT-01: WWWWWAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

(whales savagely on the angel, fight ends with suicide bombing)

(everyone looks in awe at the 'unmasked' Unit-01)

Misato: My god....

RITSUKO: Eh, nothing I haven't already seen before.

IKARI: Ditto.

(inside Eva, Shinji wakes up. Eva's 'helmet' breaks off. Eye forms and looks at him)

EVA-01 (male voice, casual): Hi.

(Shinji screams to high heaven. Back to reality)

Misato:(knocking) Shinji...

Shinji: JESUS!!!

Misato: Just wanted to say....you've done a pretty good job, all things considered....and errrr... just remember: try to hang in there. Soooo, keep up the good work and alright then! Good night! (walks off)

Misato: Oh, yeah, and we're not gonna be having any hot water for a while. I used it all up in my bath and shower. Anyways, laters!

TO BE CONTINUED

Misato: School time again! But Shinji is still depressed and sulking around on his own (just needs a good drink, that'll loosen him up). Maybe more people would love and respect him if they knew he was an Eva pilot! That can't

[psychosis090]

Call it a burst of inspiration. Here's Episode 3!

EPISODE 3

RITSUKO: Alright then, Shinji. How are you doing?

Shinji: (hollow) Fine, I guess.

RITSUKO: Splendid. I'm sure you've memorised all the locations of the weapon caches, deployment areas and recharge stations, right?

Shinji: (hollow) Yep. Every single one of them. You did say it was more important than schoolwork, after all.

RITSUKO: No, I said it is as equally important as schoolwork. We can't have our only little saviour be an uneducated dolt, now can we? I expect at least a B average by year's end. And also, be extremely mindful of the recharge stations. The Eva has an internal battery that can only last for a maximum of five minutes when disconnected from a power source. We're not made of money, after all. Do you have any idea how much it costs us to be able to raise and lower those buildings? It's mind-bending! Anyway, though, target practice, now.

(target practice)

Shinji: (hollow, slightly creepier) Aim. Boom. Aim. Boom. Aim. (chuckles) Boom. All at the push of a button...

RITSUKO: Hmm. Pretty creepy, but I'll take creepy over cowardly any day.

IBUKI: It's like he just does what he's told to do.

RITSUKO: Of course. And I hope it stays that way. You never know what might happen if this kid develops a spine.

Shinji: (close up on face) Aiiiim. Booom. Aiiiiim. Booooom. Aiiiiiiiiiim.....

(Misato's apartment, morning)

NEWSCASTER: And now we cross live to our roving weatherwoman, Miss Shinuhara at Matsuzaki!

WEATHERWOMAN:(irritated) Yeah, it's pretty fucking hot out here. Like it is everyday. After the apocalypse screwed up the seasons. Seriously, what the fuck were you expecting? (continues public meltdown)

Shinji: Miss Misato, time to wake up.

Misato: Uurrgh. Not now. You know how hard it is to pull a late shift and squeeze in a bit of hard drinking in there as well. Now scram. Oh, and be sure to finish up all the household chores before you leave for school. (playfully) Someone might not get their dinner if they don't.

Shinji: Ok, fine. (leaves)

WEATHERWOMAN:....and your stupid, stupid face! I fucking qui-

NEWSCASTER: -and isn't she just a feisty young thing! Next...

(phone conversation)

Misato: Oh, hey there, Ritsky.

RITSUKO: So how's it all going with whatsisname?

Misato: You mean Shinji? Well, he's been at school for two weeks now, and no-one seems to have called him.

RITSUKO: Err, sorry? Call?

Misato: Yeah, I gave him this cell phone which feeds all of his user history right back to mine, and so far zilch!

RITSUKO: We've got an entire department devoted to surveillance! I really don't think it's wise for you to be stalking him. But then again, he doesn't really seem the gregarious type, either...You know, that reminds me of this article I read on Cracked the other day. It's called the 'Hedgehog's Dilemma'.

Misato: Haha! Sonic. I always loved that little guy...

RITSUKO: Shush! I'm trying to make a point here! Anyway, like all animals, Hedgehogs desire comfort and companionship, but it's hard to get close to other hedgehogs because of the sharp spines, you see...

Misato: So what, hedgehogs are stupid and god apparently hates them?

RITSUKO: No! (sigh) It's an analogy for human vulnerability. Shinji won't get close to other people because he's afraid that he might get hurt. Do you understand?

Misato: Yeah..........I'm gonna go read Cracked now.

RITSUKO: (big ol' sigh)

(at school)

KENSUKE (playing with toy plane): LO! And sayeth he: 'Prithee! Stop thine onslaught!' And sayeth I: Nay! Thou is to burn in the fires of hell eternal! (makes exploding, crashing noises)

HIKARI: Hey, moron! Quit talking like that.

KENSUKE: (back to normal) Sorry. Sometimes I just get these weird impulses...

HIKARI: Did Touji get that handout I gave you? He hasn't been in for two weeks!

KENSUKE: Eh, couldn't find him. He's probably off punching bricks somewhere.

(enter Toji)

KENSUKE: Toji, you ol' sonavabitch! What's been happening?

TOJI: (sour) Eh, nothin'. Little sister got buried in rubble by that giant robot thing, but other than that, things are just peachy!

KENSUKE: Woah, man. Sorry to hear that. Anyway, most of the students have left because of the battle, so school oughta be a cinch from now...

TOJI: I mean, what the fuck was his problem, anyway? It's like the pilot didn't even know what he was doing! It's like something a kid would do. A young, confused (looking towards Shinji)....hormone-addled little boy....

KENSUKE: ....who just happened to be transferred the very same week. Hrrm. Must investigate further...

HIKARI: Shut up, morons! Teach's coming! All rise!

TEACHER:...and that's how you assemble an M4 carbine rifle in less than 30 seconds. Alright, enough of that, it's time for your history lesson. (briskly) Like I said before, 'bout fifteen years ago, a really small, really fast meteorite crashed into the Antarctic, melted the icecaps and killed 2 billion people, with a further 3 billion people killed over resources or some such nonsense. Plus now, it's always hot because the explosion screwed with the planet's axial tilt. And why am I telling you all this again? Well, you know what Goebbels said...

(meanwhile, laptop communication scene takes place, everyone flips out in pure joy)

STUDENTS: HOLY SHIT! IT'S YOU!!!!

(scene is chaotic, many students talking over each over)

STUDENT 1: Omigodomigodomigoodomigooooood!
STUDENT 2: Whatsitlike? Whatsitlike?!
STUDENT 3: ICANTSTOPSCREAMING!!!

HIKARI: Hey! If you're gonna badger him, at least do it one at a time, please!

(bell rings)

TEACHER: Alright, that's it. I'm out. And don't forget next week's homework on evasive combat manoeuveres!

STUDENT: Oh boy! I love going to school!

(Toji punches Shinji)

TOJI: There. That oughta learn ya for being so careless! Learn to ride the giant robot before you get inside it first! Ya jerk!

KENSUKE: (barely concealed sarcasm) Yeah, that's totally reasonable.

TOJI: YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?!

KENSUKE: Aaaaaanyway, we'd better get going. Lots of walls to punch, LARPing to do, you get the idea.

Shinji: (low) Jesus christ, I didn't mean it...

TOJI: (grabs Shinji) Changes nothing, ya little douchefag! (socks him again)

(they walk off, Rei walks up)

Rei: Just thought I'd tell you. Another angel is approaching. Don't ask me why I know. It's far too complicated. Rub your bruises and get ready.

Shinji: Wh-

Rei: Now.

TECHIE: Target's approaching, but everyone's safe and sound in the underground shelters.

(Kensuke reads text message. It says: STATE OF EMERGENCY DECLARED. NO QUESTIONS. BEHAVE.)

KENSUKE: Totally unsuspicious.

MILITARY LEADER: Fire at it like last time!

(fast-forward through destruction in space of three seconds)

MILITARY LEADER: Aw, bum.

AOBA: Committee says deploy Unit-01

IKARI: Way ahead of ya.

(Eva deploys)

(in shelter bathroom)

KENSUKE: Hey....you know what'd be totally awesome? Getting snapshots of the Eva and the monster and then putting them on the net! C'mon! It'll be a gas!

TOUJI: Don't they have, like, laws against that kind of thing?

KENSUKE: Well, we're pretty much fucked anyway, after you roughed up the pilot. Seems a bit of a lame duck, to me. Anyway, I'd rather die watching an awesome battle instead of sitting on my ass here, watching family movies...

TOUJI: You present a convincing argument. Lets do it!

Misato: Alright, Shinji. It's exactly like we practiced. Neutralise it's AT Field and then blow the fuck out of it with your machine gun. Ready? Go!

(Shinji fires)

Misato: Idiot! He's just gonna hide in the smokescreen!

Shinji: Wha? That didn't happen in the simulation!

Misato: We're stretched pretty thin, right now. We thought you'd just take it into account. What? You're telling me you never used a gun before? Absurd.

(angel attacks)

Shinji: CHRIST ON A BIKE!!

(dodges, hides)

Misato: New rifle, comin' up!

KENSUKE: Ooh...gettin' some pretty good shots right here...

(Eva is motionless)

KENSUKE: Yep. Probably wasn't a good idea to beat him up, huh Toji?

TOJI: (quickly, through teeth) Shutyourfuckingmouth, asshole!

(running away, property damage, Shinji screaming all the while. Umbilical cable is severed)

AOBA: Umbilical cable severed, t-minus five minutes battery power. Or one minute. Damn, I always keep forgetting.

(Shinji is flung over near Toji and Kensuke)

KENSUKE: Ooh yeah, that's it. A couple of close up shots here, some dynamic-AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

(Eva lands, barely misses T and K)

TOJI: (terrified) I'm freakin' oooouut, man!

Misato: What's that? Those two dicks from Shinji's class?

(angel attacks again, Shinji grabs tentacles in an effort to protect them)

Shinji: Oooowwwwww! I am in so much pain right noooooooww!!

Misato: Shinji! Let them in, then get the hell out of there!

RITSUKO: You can't do that!

Misato: Yeah I can.

RITSUKO: You're out of order!

Misato: Well.....that's not even your real hair colour!

RITSUKO: Wha...

Misato: Continue the operation!

RITSUKO: Oh, of all the.... (addresses T and K) Hey! Retards! Get inside!

KENSUKE: Ahhh! This sucks! And now I can't blackmail the government!

TOJI: Ugh! Smells like a womb in here!

KENSUKE: How would you know?

TOJI: SHUT UP! I just do, okay?

Misato: Kay, now retreat!

(Shinji is breathing heavily. Pulls out prog knife)

TOJI: Hey, kid! She said...

Shinji: (low detached) Ffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkk........

(Readies knife, lunges)

Shinji:....YYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

(everyone watches in horror, Shinji continues to shout obscenities and scream inarticulately)

AOBA: 'Bout four seconds left. Three. Two. One. Aaaaand....

(core cracks. Eva powers down)

Misato: (mono) Little fucker...

Shinji: (sobbing, comedically of course) Oh man oh boy oh jesus christ I didn't mean to do that what was I thinking is he alright? did I hurt him? did Shinji do good this time? Oh god oh man oh why I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore....

(Eva and dead angel silhouetted by the setting sun. Long pause)

KENSUKE: Ummm.......there, there?

(back at school)

KENSUKE: Well. That was a fun week, wasn't it?

TOJI: Yeah....real fun. I dunno. I still feel a bit guilty about mentally crippling that poor guy.

KENSUKE: Well, call him then! Here's his number.

TOJI: How did-

KENSUKE: Please. Besides, LARPing, cyber-stalking is the only hobby I've got.

(TOUJI approaches phone. Relents)

TOUJI: Eh, I'll do it tomorrow. Nothing bad's gonna happen if I don't call him to-

(Exterior of Misato's apartment)

Shinji: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED

Misato: Next episode, Mr. Whiny Extraordinaire pisses off and mopes around for a bit. Doesn't take too long to track him down, though, and its only gonna be worse for him when they bring him back. Honestly? What's he running away for? What is he? A kid or something?

Oh, and bums and titties. 'Teehee' and all that. I need to go have a drink or twenty.

-----------------------

Phew. Long one.[/i]

[psychosis090]

Been a while, hasn't it? University tends to keep you occupied.

Still wondering if I should keep this up. I managed to write about half of episode 4. Feedback much appreciated!

EPISODE 4

Misato: (assorted mumbling and breathing)

(Alarm clock chimes for a bit, then abruptly switches to a recording of Ritsuko's voice)

RITSUKO: HEY! GET YOUR ASS UP! Is it so bad with you that I have to have someone sneak in and sabotage your clock radio? I've got five minutes worth of screaming on this baby. Ready? AAAAAAAAAAAAA-

(switches off)

Misato: Urgh. Alright, alright... friggin' Nazi. Friggin' female Hitler. (winces) Head won't stop pounding. (louder) Oh for chrissakes, would you head goblins just shut up for one minute?!

(pause)

Misato: Thank you.

(brushing teeth, scratches ankle)

Misato: Aah. S'better. Hey, lookin' pretty sharp, considering I'm hungover and all. That's weird. I really gotta see a doctor about that and- oh right. Shinji.

Misato: (still very groggy) Hey, Shinji. Get up. Come oooon. S'been five days already. Seriously, you sulk for that long, by now you've probably grown a vagina. Eh? Is that what you want me start calling you now? 'Vagina-Haver'? C'mon, get y-

(room empty, meticulously clean, courtesy note left on desk)

(pause)

Misato: God, he even makes running away look creepy!

(Kensuke and Toji at front door buzzing doorbell)

KENSUKE: I seriously don't understand why you couldn't just call him-

(Misato bursts through the door)

Misato: Shinji?

(both are startled and slightly turned on)

TOJI: (clamps feet tightly together, mono) Think fast, think fast...

KENSUKE: Morning, miss. we're Shinji's classmates, Aida and Suzuhara. You remember, those whacky guys who nearly compromised your entire operation last week?

TOJI: YeahyeahyeahSuzuharathatsmeimthetoughone!

KENSUKE: Yeah, and-

TOJI: Yepyeprealsorryboutthatwonthappenagain!

KENSUKE: And so-

TOJI: JustcametoseeifShinjiwasokayhesbeenabsentthewholeweek!

Misato: Did you say Shinji? Yeah, uh, he still needs to spend one more week in the sensory deprivation chamber, uh, to think about what he did. I'll tell him you said 'Hi'. Seeya!

TOJI: (while door is shutting) Yesyesyesthankyougoodbyehopetoseeyouagainandgodiloveyousomuch (door shuts by the time he's said it).

KENSUKE: She wasn't half bad.

TOJI: Aw, dangit. Now I gotta get rid of this thing!

KENSUKE: Here, don't worry, I'll do it for you!

(punches him in the crotch, Toji reels)

(cut to Shinji on the train. Clicks walkman, starts listening to 'Runaway Train' by Soul Asylum)

(conversations start cropping up around Shinji, fading into one another)

COMMUTER 1: ...think about it! It's all a big conspiracy! Second Impact happens, then World War III, then the UN gains control of the world's armies and moves its headquarters to Japan! It's all a New World Order plot, I tells ya!

COMMUTER 2: You're a retard. And please stop talking to me.

(time passes)

COMMUTER 3: ...yeah, believe it or not, It's actually quite easy to hack into the MAGI supercomputer mainframe. Hell, a child could do it...

(more time passes)

COMMUTER 4: What's that? Cold and distant father? Well, if you've read Freud as much as I have, my friend, you'll realize...

COMMUTER 5: Sack o' money! Just a big sack o' money I'm gonna leave here! Unmarked bills! Ripe for the taking! It's anybody's game!

(Shinji is alone, stops listening to walkman)

Shinji: For some reason, I feel like punching myself.

(walking through streets)

Shinji: Maybe a shitty movie or two would help clear my mind.

(in theatre, watching movie on Second Impact)

RIFFER 1: (forced incredulity) '10 percent the speed of light'? How implausible is that?

RIFFER 2: (stilted monotone) Oh, look! Those people are getting killed. Perhaps they should have called Chuck Norris to save them. Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh. Huh.

Shinji: Aw, shit. I just had to pick the theatre with all the damn riffers, didn't I?

RIFFER 3: THIIIIIS. IIIIIIS. SPA-

Shinji: Time to go.

(walking around at sunrise)

Shinji: Uurgh. I really shouldn't have drunk that half-finished Pepsi. You never know what some random weirdo put in their.....oh god......there it is...

(looks around, starts hallucinating)

BUILDINGS: (distorted) Hello Shinji. This is the city speaking. Having reviewed your previous performance, we have found you to be somewhat lacking...

(buildings all 'talk' over each other)

BUILDING 1: TRY HARDER NOOB!!! PUSSY FAGGOT!!!

BUILDING 2: You know, my ass is really starting to itch something awful...

BUILDING 3: There is no escape. No escape.

BUILDING 4: Huh huh. It's like I'm fucking the sky.

BUILDING 5: I know where you live.

Shinji: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(runs away. Cut to Misato at her apartment. Checks Shinji's room)

Misato: (cheerful) Still gone, eh? Eeeeehrighty then.

(leaves as quickly as she came in. Cut to Shinji in countryside)

Shinji: (frantic) Aaah! Getoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetout! Hopefully all this nice scenery will help clear my head. Unless the animals and the trees start talking to me...Oooh boy. I really gotta sit down.

(sits down at famous 'suicide spot')

Shinji: Hmm...that's a pretty fair drop...

BUILDINGS: Don't even think about it, faggot boy.

Shinji: AAAAAAAAA-

(abrupt cut to Misato and Ritsuko talking)

RITSUKO: So he's not coming back, eh?

Misato: Nah. Things were pretty conclusive when I saw him last.

(flashback)

Misato: Hey, I told you do something and then you went and did the total opposite! That's not how this thing works.

Shinji: (hollow, soft) Yeah, yeah. Real, real sorry about disobeying your orders and all that. I mean, all I did was kill the Angel and save the entire city in the process. I'll make sure it never happens again. No ma'am.

Misato: You insolent little shit! What, you expect me to try and understand you or something? For the next couple of hours, I'm just gonna scream at you until I'm satisfied that you'll fall into line! Ready? YOU LITTLE BA-

(back to the present)

Misato: It probably wasn't a good idea.

RITSUKO: Mmhmm. And now we're down one pilot. Funny that. I just hope he doesn't run into any weirdos before the MIBs track him down...

(cut to Kensuke at dusk in a field)

KENSUKE: Yyyep. LARPING on my own at dusk in an empty field. Doesn't get anymore depressing than this...hey, is that...Shinji! Over here!

Shinji: ARE YOU REAL PEOPLE?!

KENSUKE: ....yeah....?

Shinji: Oh thank god!

------------------------------

That Eva Commentary is really useful. Hope you guys manage to finish it.

[C.A.P.]

Hey Pscy, I went ahead and read what you have so far. I hope the following won't offend you or anything, but I have few...issues regarding these rough drafts.

The main issue I have with these scripts is that it's too harsh. This is my opinion, but the more you treat your material with indifference and almost hatred to what you're doing, then it becomes harder for its' intended audiences to find anything appealing to the work. I know the Internet is the beehive of society, but if you want people to like what you offer, you can't give them unpleasant material. Unless that material is leading up to something, you're just being unpleasant for the sake of it, and no one wants someone's ego to tell them you suck or anything. However, I'm not saying you should get away from this material, but I do think when you write material like what you offered, there has to be a point, or when the joke or the situation calls for it, not when you think your audience deserves it or not; again, the more indifferent you are to them, the more they won't help you out when you need them the most.

For example, let's look at the portray of Ritsuko. Now, to me, she's the type who look at you and go "here's the facts sir," not one who yells at you and go "GET UP MAGGOT AND GIVE ME 10 PUSHUPS!" To paint a better picture, instead of something like...

HEY! GET YOUR ASS UP! Is it so bad with you that I have to have someone sneak in and sabotage your clock radio? I've got five minutes worth of screaming on this baby. Ready? AAAAAAAAAAAAA-

I would go with something like...

(the alarm goes off three times. On the fourth time, a message suddenly pops up)

Miasto, if this mesage has been brought up, then that means our agreement to wake you up is now in effect. So for our convenience, I shall now wake you up.

(alarm breathes in)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

But again, that's what I would of done for her character.

Also, I should mention that while there's good jokes and clever ideas in there (along with the interactions between Toji and Kensuke), but the harshness factor of it all makes me a little uncomfortable for me to actually laugh at them. Reading this script, I feel like the same problems with SMA are evident, in which it seems like the creators were more interested in punching a show they like instead of giving it the respect and dignity it deserves. Take the first joke of the first example. How about instead of calling the other solider retarded for making an obvious joke, how about something...

RANDOM SOLDIER: (annoying, 'wacky guy' voice) Oh mai gawd! Eeeets Godzrir-

(suddenly, he gets cut off)

RANDOM SOLDIER #2: Trust me, it hurts me more than it hurts you folks...

(then, he's back on)

RANDOM SOLDIER: A.

See, not quite as demanding as the original joke was.

Either way though, I certainly hope for the best for this attempt. This fanbase really needs a comedy that doesn't treats it own kind with embarrassment and ill-will.

[psychosis090]

Umm... I'm not sure if I completely understand your argument, here.

Treating the series with 'proper respect and dignity'? Does this essentially mean I'm not allowed to criticise it or use any naughty words like 'retard'? I know that these are just very rough drafts, but so far I haven't really insulted the audience or the show (besides that 'comedy-so-bad-it-tears-the-fabric-of-reality' scene, but that's just in reference to the over the top comedy in the show). These are just dysfunctional characters who are sometimes very mean or indifferent to one another (depending on who it is, of course). This is an exaggerated parody after all.

I understand that what you want is an affectionate parody, but just how affectionate do you want me to be? I'm not going to get on my hands and knees and start sucking Hideaki Anno's throbbing cock, all the while mumbling 'adorable' inside references, banal observations and sonnets just to prove my love for the subject matter. The fact that I'm even contemplating a project like this ought to be enough evidence for that.

I absolutely refuse to censor myself for the sake of popularity.

And in regards to your issue with the 'alarm joke': for this parody, Ritsuko is obviously playing the role of the exasperated straight man. Not only are they close friends (to use the term loosely), but at times Misato drives her fucking crazy, hence the harsh yet casual manner of speech she uses in the 'taped recording' joke. Honestly, why would she talk in such a stiff, robotic manner to a close friend who is harming your work and simply refuses to get up? It makes no sense. And to be honest, your 'rewritten' version just falls flat. Not that I'm a comedic genius or anything, but I gotta call em as I see em.[/i]

[The Bastard King]

Your attempting to script an abridged series, but when someone offers critique on how you could improve, your response is somewhere along the lines of "why should I have to adjust it for people to like it?" C.A.P. made a valid point in mentioning that properly parodying it means making some sort of tribute to the source material. If you're just making up your own characterizations while thinking 'screw the source material', then you get a mess that could literally be stuck in any anime series without being noticed. The harshness was another valid point because it serves no purpose. It's not funny. It's like you sat there and thought about how you could make random actions funny, and you decided that adding cursing and sexual references would work just fine. Which is really no different than adding nothing but fart jokes. There's no wit, no brick jokes, no anything. Just expectations that random Anno heads and shouting will get the job done.

So yeah, you don't have to listen to valid criticisms and suggestions for your work. If your goal for this is to just make yourself laugh and no one else, than there is certainly no point in trying to match what others would think is "funny". Sure, why not. Good luck on making this any better then the other 5 or 6 lackluster Evangelion parodies. Not including Chaz's, I mean.

[Da Games Elite]

I did look at this script for this just now. Now, I must warn you, I'm only criticizing episode 1's script, and not the rest.

I didn't find it overwhelmingly bad like some of these people did, but it didn't leave a giant impression, either. Most of the jokes were pretty common and have been done a bunch of times and better. I'm a firm believer that even a terrible line can be awesome if delivered well, but the script, thus far, feels a little lacking.

My biggest issue was that none of the characters really stood out. Maybe it's the way it's written or the way I see it, and maybe it's because I don't hear the voices with the lines, but none of them really stand out. Think of other Abridged series that last. There's that one character, usually, or maybe a few, that stands out whose lines you can quote over and over again. Nappa, Tristian, Sailor Mars, etc. ReDeath even has Gendo teh Uuber Pimp. Even my Abridged series has a character like that, and we aren't close to as big as any of the previous series (judging by the feedback we've gotten on it, not our opinions). You need to have characters with reoccuring jokes attached to them. It seems like you're going with Gendo being a bad-ass. Elevate some of his lines to almost meme level catchiness.

But yours didn't really stand out. There were a few funny parts, like the part about Shinji and Misato talking about shooting the guy and what have you, or Gendo just saying "See ya!" The main issue is it isn't snappy enough, and I think the jokes need to be a bit more to the point in some cases. Make no mistake, some overly long gags are good, but, with most of your gags, it takes awhile to get to the funny part, and the build-up isn't worth the pay-off. The best jokes in your script, as mentioned before, were the fast, quick exchanges.

I don't see the big deal with the harshness toward the series yet. Every series has a different tone, and, while I don't like mean spirited jokes, you aren't in SMA territory yet, since you're not outright saying "What the fuck is wrong with this show?" You can be pervy and raunchy so long as you aren't pervy and raunchy for the sake of it. You need to be funny about it, and not just have a stream of sex jokes for the hell of it that really don't fit.

Now, the first script is always the weakest, so you'll only get better with time if you keep this up. Don't let negative feedback hold you back from doing what you enjoy. Just become stronger as a result.

[Kendrix]

Whatever you do, don't forget some funny music.