We are Esselfortium, Lucretius, Seele00TextOnly, Chee and CorporalChaos -- a patently masochistic crew devoted to slogging our way through pages upon pages of fanfiction so you don’t have to.
This fine coming of age tale, Father, comes from an author by the name of Lord Talon.
Mercifully, the title doesn’t indicate what one might expect after reading Adam Kadmon’s The Second Other. It is with great regret that this is just about the only good thing I can say about this fic. Enjoy.
Link to the original story on FanFiction.net
Father
Part One.
Asuka woke up with a killer headache. It wasn't the first time, in fact it was the third morning in a row. "I wonder if this is how Misato feels whenever she gets up after a night of drinking," she thought to herself, reeling a bit as her feet hit the floor. The only problem with that thought was she that didn't drink last night, or any other previous night.
Look at the title, then at those sentences. Figured it out yet?
"Well, there was that one time…" she thought, remembering that one night a couple of months ago. A blush quickly rose to her cheeks as she tried to push that thought aside, staggering to her feet and leaving her room.
“Stupid beer, it’s not like I like you or anything.”
The hallway seemed crooked as she slowly made her way to the kitchen, finding Shinji there cooking breakfast as usual.
“What’cha makin’?” asked the kitchen upon finding him.
Normally, the smell of his breakfasts were enough to send her stomach rumbling, even though she would never admit that to him. Today, something was different.
“This is pretty good bacon---I mean, I hate you!” said Asuka, blushing furiously.
"Morning, Asuka," he cheerfully greeted her as he continued to stir whatever was in the frying pan. "How would you like your eggs this morning?"
That was the worst question anyone had ever asked her.
Well, except for the time Kensuke asked her her bra size. That was probably worse.
"Could he not smell it?" she wondered, "That smell! Those eggs must be rotten! And he expects us to eat them?" Suddenly, she got really queasy. Her hands covered her mouth as she rushed to the bathroom and emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She continued this for several minutes before she realized someone was standing behind her, rubbing her back and keeping her hair out of the toilet.
“Misato! That homeless guy’s in our apartment again!” she screamed.
"Oh, god," she moaned as she finally relaxed and sat back on her heels. "Thanks, Misato," she said weakly.
"Uh, I'm not Misato, but you're welcome anyway," the reply came back.
“I’m Pen Pen. It took me ten years to build a machine that could give me human form. Now we can finally be together.”
"Shinji?" she exclaimed , surprised by the normally shy boy's actions.
Yes, we can tell she’s “surprised” because she “exclaimed” his name. This is a very repetitive sentence.
She turned and saw the concern in his eyes. Those same eyes she could get lost in, if she wasn't careful, and cause her to melt. "Wha…?"
Wow, this is some subtle characterization right here.
"Sorry," he replied, "but I was worried about you. I know you hate help, but you looked like you really needed it."
"S'okay," she murmured back, "but now I need to clean up. So get out!" Some of the fire was starting to come back to her eyes. Shinji smiled back at her.
“You’re so cute when you have vomit dripping from your mouth,” he said.
"When you're done, come back to the kitchen, I'll have some toast ready for you," he said as he started to leave the bathroom.
"Toast?" she barked back.
“You know I hate food, stupid Shinji!”
"Yes, toast," Shinji replied as he slowly closed the door, "best thing for a sour stomach." Asuka fumed for a second, thinking about eggs when another wave of nausea hit.
"Okay, so toast it is," she told her stomach as she stepped into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the muscle aches and pains.
“But I wanted Fruit Loops,” said her stomach, sighing.
“Shut up! You’ll digest what I tell you to digest!” Asuka replied.
Shinji walked back into the kitchen when a voice from behind called out "So, how's she doing?"
"Arrrrgh!" Shinji yelled as he spun around and saw his other roommate standing behind him. His heart was racing like it wanted to tear from his chest.
Misato had evidently been disfigured in a horrible car crash.
"Damn it, Misato! Don't do that!" he gasped, taking huge gulps of air as his body did it's best to metabolize the huge amounts of adrenaline that now swept through his veins.
No, Speed is bad for you, Shinji-kun!
"Sorry," she said teasingly as she sat down. Shinji gave her the usual morning cup of tea. Not as good as beer, but she had promised Kaji she would cut down on her drinking. "Seriously, how is she doing?"
"She's not feeling well," Shinji replied as he cracked open two eggs for Misato's breakfast, "she hasn't called me 'idiot' once."
“She did call me ‘penis breath’ three times, though, and ‘dorkface’ sixteen times.”
"Hmm, must be serious," she smirked over the rim of her cup. Shinji hadn't seen her eyes this clear in the mornings, ever.
Come to think of it, it was hard to remember when he’d seen the drunkard’s eyes this clear at all.
"I'm serious, Misato! This is the third day in a row," he replied as Misato saw how concerned he really was. "Maybe you should take her to see the doctor today."
Misato laughed hard, then cheerfully said “No.”
“But Misato, she’s vomiting bl---”
“I said no, Shinji-kun.”
"Love to, kiddo, but I have a ton of work that has to be finished today," the Major answered, "Tell you what! I'll make the appointment for this morning and you can take her!"
"Somehow, I don't think Asuka would feel up to a ride on my motorcycle," the young man said as he thought of how he was going to get a sick Asuka to sit behind him and hold his waist as he drove through the streets of Tokyo-3.
Shinji has a motorcycle? Has he been swapped out with a Gary Stu ACC?
Oh wait, this is a ship fic. Of course he has.
"No silly," Misato added as she tossed Shinji the keys to her car, "I'll take the bike!"
"Oh lord, no!" he said sullenly. "Do you know how hard it was to fix the last time you borrowed it?"
As you know, Shinji owns a motorcycle and doesn’t take guff from anybody.
Remember, folks. As we learned from our last endeavor, it’s absurd to expect characterizations in fan works to resemble what we see in the show. This is perfectly acceptable.
...
"I was drunk then," Misato said absentmindedly, "but I'm sober now! See! Okay!"
"I don't know if that makes it better or worse," he muttered as Misato stuck her tongue out at him.
LAUGH DAMN YOU
"Why is Misato taking your bike, Shinji?" a young redhead asked as she plopped down into her chair and started to munch on the dry toast he put in front of her.
Asuka would be devastated if anything happened to Shinji’s motorcycle.
Amazingly, she did start to feel a little better. Maybe that little turd knew what he was talking about.
And so, this author’s fascination with excrement begins. We’ll be seeing a lot of it.
"Because he's taking you in the car," was the reply.
"Cool! Going to school in the car! I knew I was glad you got your license for some reason! You may actually be of some use for a change!" smirked Asuka, who then felt a bit bad about the hurt look in his eyes.
Shinji was crushed by the normally genteel Asuka’s biting insult.
"Uh, no, we're not going to school today…" Shinji started.
"Yeah! The Mall!" Asuka cheered as she downed her third piece of toast.
Why would she assume they’re going to the mall? Does Shinji often announce random impromptu trips there on school days? And why doesn’t Asuka have a license if Shinji does?
"Not the Mall, either. I'm taking you to see the doctor," he added with a bit of finality.
"Three…two…one…" Misato mumbled.
"Whaaaaat? The doctor? Why! I'm in perfect health, you idiot!" Asuka screamed as Shinji calmly deflected a piece of toast hurled at his face.
Sorry, Asuka, but Shinji’s the man, and you must do as he says.
"Asuka! Be reasonable!" Shinji pleaded as the young German kept getting wound up. "This is the third morning in a row. You're not well and you need to see the doctor! I'm worried about you!"
”He's worried about me?" Asuka thought incredulously, "He cares enough to worry? I wonder if…" she pushed that last thought from her mind as her defensive barriers came up.
“I wonder if we can make out, or will that have to wait a few chapters?”
She opened her mouth to let him know that there was nothing to worry about and that she didn't need him to take care of her when Misato chimed in.
"Yeah, maybe it's morning sickness," she said sweetly as she finished off her breakfast.
"WHAT?" both teenagers said simultaneously, blushing furiously and turning on her as one. "Shut up, Misato!"
Wait, she figured it out already? I mean, I had the advantage of the title, inner monologues, and narration. Misato has... a really rude hunch?
"That sync training really paid off" the violet haired woman thought. "Oh, come on!" she teased, "you're both teenagers, living in the same house, by yourselves quite often. You mean to tell me that you never once…"
"No! Don't be ridiculous!" again in unison. Both turned an interesting shade of red.
There’s a time and place for the ‘quirky teasing’ version of Misato, and it is not when she’s seriously considering that the pilots have been fucking like rabbits.
"Ha! Both of you have at least thought about it," she mused at seeing their reactions. She grinned as they both turned shame-faced toward each other and then quickly away.
She then called up Ritsuko to arrange for a quickie abortion.
"Shinji, call the school and let them know you both will be out today, I'll call the doctor."
“Wait, why do I have to go too--- oh. .___.”
"Yes ma'am," came the reply as Shinji left the table. Asuka continued to sit there, fuming.
"Morning sickness? Ha! As if!"
"MORNING SICKNESS?" a very agitated redhead screamed as she leapt from the table, ready to beat the hell out of the doctor that had just gave her the news.
Okay, I..guess that part was okay. It’s hard to go wrong with a Gilligan cut.
"Yes, morning sickness, Miss Soryu. You are two months pregnant. Congratulations!" the doctor said quietly as he expected his patient to calm down, which she definitely was not doing.
“Congratulations! You’re an unwed teenage mother!
”"But…but that's impossible!" Asuka screamed back.
“Search your heart...you know it to be true!” the doctor said menacingly.
"Trust me, you are most definitely pregnant. While I don't condone two teenagers having intercourse, I do tend to overlook it. This world needs to be repopulated, after all. I've already had my nurse go out and tell your boyfriend, if that's alright?"
“Oh, I just went and violated doctor-patient confidentiality. I hope that’s okay!” What an asshole!
"My boyfriend? Shinji?" Asuka said, somewhat dazed. "Oh, he's not my boyfriend, just my roommate." However, the idea of Shinji being her boyfriend wasn't nearly as upsetting as once it might have been.
Um, you were just told that you’re two months pregnant, Asuka. You might want to try keeping focused on that for at least a moment, or this fic will look pretty silly.
"Oh! My mistake!" the doctor replied, "He seemed very nice, I just assumed…" At that exact same moment, a loud yell followed by an even louder thump reverberated through the doors.
"Excuse me, doctor?" a nurse peeked around the door, "We need some smelling salts out here! Miss Soryu's boyfriend has passed out!"
Yay, slapstick humor about 14 year-olds making babies! Hah hah hah.
"Shinji?" Asuka cried out as she rushed from the room and found the young man passed out in the middle of the waiting room. She fell to her knees and placed his head in her lap. "This is stupid! If anyone needs comfort, it's me!" she thought.
Author, you might want to stop reminding the reader how unlikely and preposterous all of these reactions are.
"Asuka?" Shinji said groggily as she gently stroked his hair, "I just had the weirdest dream…"
Oh please, not this lame played-out cliche...
"It's not a dream," she said softly, "It's a damn nightmare!" Asuka looked down into his eyes, and saw them filled with sadness, confusion, and…betrayal? She noticed the wet spots forming on his cheeks and see that he's not crying.
In his eyes she saw sadness, confusion, betrayal, and a sale at Lawson’s!
So the wet on Shinji’s cheeks isn’t from his eyes. Way to really poorly inform the reader that Asuka’s crying.
Reaching up, Shinji gently caressed her cheek. "It's going to be alright," he said as she broke down and hugged him tightly, sobbing uncontrollable. Shinji wrapped his arms around her and held her gently until the tears stopped.
Oh I get it, you’re doing a callback to the last scene of EoE. See, here’s where there should have been the slapstick. Have her choke him; it’d be plenty in-character for the immediate circumstances.
"Hmm, if he's not, he should be," the doctor muttered as his nurse nodded her head in agreement.
This doctor is so disgusting and tactless.
“If he wasn’t the one that fucked her brains out, he should have been.”
“Yeah,” nodded the nurse, “they make a real cute couple there on the floor bawling their eyes out.”
The two teenagers sat quietly in the living room, trying to watch TV and doing their best to keep their minds off what was soon to occur. They knew that Misato was going to get a copy of the medical report, seeing how she was their guardian and commanding officer.
See, this transition sucked. Tsk tsk.
Shinji was doing everything he could to make Asuka comfortable, which was driving the German girl crazy. Ever since they left the doctor's office, he had grown very protective of her.
Aw, how cute. Teen pregnancy is such a great opportunity for romance.
He had even set a couple of beers on the table, ready for Misato as soon as she came in. He knew that she would need them, even though she was trying to cut back.
Misato died in a car crash later that afternoon.
Shinji and Asuka gulped nervously as they heard the door slide open. "You two. Kitchen. NOW." the Major commanded as the teenagers quickly got up and shuffled to the kitchen. Asuka's head was bowed, refusing to even look up and her guardian.
Asuka got knocked up and everyone’s acting like Dennis the Menace stepped in Mr. Wilson’s flower bed.
Shinji, on the other hand, held his head high, and gave Misato a look that threw the woman. It screamed: Watch it!
Not only has he gotten a 14 year-old pregnant, he’s also developed the superpowers of Charles Xavier!
Misato sat at the table, looking at the beer before her. Grateful to Shinji, she did one of the hardest things she had ever done: she pushed them aside.
Getting over her father’s death and breaking up with Kaji were hard, but not as hard as this.
Glaring at the redhead, she saw the red puffy eyes and the defeated look on her face. Misato's heart softened a bit at Asuka's state, but was still puzzled at Shinji's reaction. A look of absolute and total concern was plastered on his face as he gazed at Asuka across from him.
Shinji showing concern for someone? How utterly baffling.
Though I guess in the context of this fic, it is pretty weird for him to do something believable for a change.
"How?" Misato asked quietly, trying to remain calm, "How can you two be so reckless? Do you have any idea what is at stake here? Do you understand what you have done?" Asuka started to bawl again. Shinji's jaw set in a hard line.
“Well, if what they told me was true, I understand we’ve made a baby. Or are we talking about something else?”
"Misato, you don't know what you're talking about," Shinji said grimly, shooting daggers into the violet haired woman.
Only pity stayed his hand from firing more. ‘Pity I’ve run out of daggers’, he thought darkly.
"Excuse me?" Misato shot back, trying to stare Shinji back down and failing miserably.
"Shinji's not the father…" Asuka said softly, trying to take the heat off the young man, sniffling as she tried to stem the flow of tears.
“It was... it was... ... Hikari is a boy and we’re in love, okay?!?!”
Shinji looked a bit sad at this.
What do you mean he looked sad at hearing that he’s not the father? Is he a 14 year old boy scared of his own shadow or not?!
"If Shinji's not, just who the hell is?" yelled Misato, causing Asuka to cringe. Shinji shot to his feet, fists clinched tight.
"Don't yell at her," he growled as Shinji's eyes burned with an intensity that Misato had never seen. He looked ready to take a swing at his guardian.
Good old Shinji; making threats of physical violence at the drop of a hat. Wait a minute...
"Shinji, it's okay," Asuka said gently as she reached over and placed her hand over his fist. The result was immediate, as the young man visibly relaxed and sat back down. Misato was surprised at Asuka's actions. As far as she knew, the young girl would have never let anyone come to her defense, let alone hold that person's hand.
Okay, fic, please stop pointing it out to us when the characters act OOC. That’s our job. Pointing out that you know they’re out-of-character doesn’t make it any better.
"I don't know who the father is, Misato," Asuka said sadly, "I don't ever remember having sex! Ever!" Misato could see the truth in her eyes and hear it in her voice.
“It’s not what you think! An angel came to me and said I would have a baby!”
"Okay, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions," Misato said as she tried to defuse the situation. She swore Shinji looked ready to explode any second. "This is just…the situation…oh god, I'd don't know what to think!"
‘I would do not know what to think’ either. And tell Shinji to take his exploding outside; that’s what got us in trouble here in the first place.
"How do you think we feel?" Shinji added as he looked longingly at Asuka.
SUCH SUBTLE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT-
"We?" Misato thought before continuing.
Yeah, Misato, I’m pretty puzzled by that “we” myself.
"Okay, you're pregnant, but you say you don't ever remember having sex? What can you remember?"
"Not much," Asuka began, "The only thing I can sort of remember is a disturbing dream." The dream really wasn't disturbing before, she actually enjoyed it. But this was an entirely different situation. "It was just a dream."
“A dreamy night with *that* hunk of man meat.” Her eyes glazed over in ecstasy at the thought.
"Alright. First thing tomorrow, I'm taking you to see Dr. Akagi to have a full checkup to see to the health of you and the baby. We can proceed from there. How far along are you?"
I thought that was what today’s doctor visit was for...
"Two months," Shinji said. Misato couldn't read his thoughts.
"Crap, that puts it right around the time of the Christmas party," the Major mused, as a sudden wave of guilt hit her. "If I hadn't had that stupid party…"
"It's not your fault, Misato," Asuka replied as she cast a sympathetic look toward her, "you never knew anything like this would happen!" Shinji wasn't so sure, though. It was after that party that Kaji asked Misato to cut back on her drinking.
Wait, Misato is the father? I’m suddenly finding myself in love with this fic!
Either that or Shinji has even less of an idea about how pregnancy works than the author apparently does.
"Shinji, if you would," Misato asked as a very large and painful lump formed in her throat,
That’s cancer, Misato, and it’s been there for quite a while.
”please dump all the shit in the fridge down the sink. Please?" Misato started to cry now, guilt washing over her and her horrible addiction. "No more…"
“I swear I’ll never do coke again!”
Asuka got up and, doing something that totally would have shocked anyone who knew her, wrapped her arms around Misato and held the older woman and joined her in a good cry.
If it would have shocked anyone that knew her, then you don’t need to spell it out for the readers. You can assume we’ve seen the show.
Shinji's heart broke at seeing the two most important women in his life in such pain, and walked over and wrapped them up in an all encompassing embrace.
My, what long arms you have, Shinji!
"It's time to step up, grow up, and be a man," he thought as he did his best to take the pain away from his family.
What is this, 1950? The big strong man has to take care of the helpless women? This is the most misogynistic thing I’ve seen since every doujinshi ever.
Shinji lay on his bed with his hands behind his head, as the music from his SDAT player droned on through his earbuds. Normally, the music would sooth his troubled mind, but tonight was different.
Tonight was taco night.
Tonight his mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. Seeing Asuka so heart broken tore him to pieces. The normally strong young woman fell apart, as her carefully constructed walls came tumbling down. He had always cared for the headstrong redhead, but on finding that she was pregnant, something deep and primal awaken inside his heart.
What is this, Twilight? The gig’s up, Stephanie Meyer. You’re not fooling anybody.
He was hurt and disappointed, at first. He had always dreamed, down in the deepest part of his soul where even he couldn't journey, that he would be the father of Asuka's children.
WOMEN ARE FOR MAKING BABIES. ME Shinji. YOU JANE.
That part shamed him, though. This was not a time to think of his own feelings or needs. This was Asuka's time, and he would do everything possible to help her. His wants and needs be damned.
Who is this guy and what has he done with Shinji Ikari? And where’d he get that bitchin’ motorcycle?
The need to help her was overwhelming, one that he could not and would not fight. His heart was ready to tear from his chest as he thought of Asuka just on the other side of the wall, thinking that she would have to go through this all on her own. What was going through her mind right now?
Probably “Shinji’s a misogynistic prick.”
Despair? Anger? Loneliness? This line of thinking is what was keeping him up, as the seconds and minutes slowly ticked by with no relief in sight.
If it takes despair, anger, and loneliness to get him up, maybe he should try one of the other fics we’ve reviewed recently. Either way, they seem like horribly inefficient ways of getting his rocks off.
Growling in frustration, he tore the buds from his ears and turned over to try to force the sleep to come. It was going to be a very, very busy day tomorrow. He pulled the covers over his shoulders when he heard a light scratching at his door and a small voice call out his name. He leapt out of his bed and opened the door as soon as he could.
"Shinji," Asuka said softly, as she sniffed back some tears, "can I come in? I can't sleep…"
Getting pregnant has evidently turned Asuka into a simpering damsel-in-distress.
"Sure, Asuka. Anytime," he answered as he stepped aside and let her into his room. She staggered over to his bed and sat down on the edge and started to cry again.
"Do you mean it? Anytime?" she asked pleadingly as he walked over toward her and knelt down to the floor in front of her. He looked her in the eyes as best he could in the dim light.
“Will you really protect me and let me live in your cave and share your mammoth meat with me?” she wailed.
"Yes, anytime." It truly hurt to see her this upset. He would do anything for her to make her feel better. How any man could take advantage of her like someone had was completely beyond his understanding.
Are you implying that whoever did this may not be a man?
Maybe it was a rogue lesbian with a turkey baster.
It caused an anger to swell within his chest that he had never experienced before. He fought it down so as not to alarm the sad young lady before him.
Shinji then leapt onto his white horse and slew a dragon.
"Can…can I sleep here tonight? I don't want tot be alone right now."
We’ve established this.
"Sure, not a problem," he said as he moved to get up, "let me get some spare pillows and blankets and I'll bunk out on the floor…"
"No! Please?" she pleaded as she grabbed the front of his shirt to keep him from moving away, "Don't leave me! Hold me, please?" she sobbed.
Asuka can barely admit in her dreams that she wants to be held; is an unwanted pregnancy really going to change her mind so drastically? This whole pregnancy has been used as an easy foil to completely rewrite Shinji and Asuka’s characters. Poorly.
"Shh, it's okay," Shinji said in a soothing tone as he gently stroked her hair, "I'll never leave you, no matter what."
"Will you hold me?" she asked again, trembling.
"How anyone could hurt someone so lovely…" Shinji thought before he answered, "As you wish," he said with a smile that Asuka could feel in the dark, even if she couldn't see it.
“As you wish”? Shinji has officially completed his transformation into Sir Lancelot.
He crawled into the bed behind her as she laid down and snuggled up to him in a perfect spooning position. She laid her head down on his arm.
"You're trembling," she said worriedly. "Is everything alright?" She feared his answer.
“No, everything’s not alright, you whore.
"I'm fine, just nervous," he lied as he fought the shaking. It was of rage, thinking about what happened to the girl he cared so much about. He fought to control himself.
"You must hate me," Asuka said a few minutes later.
“How could anyone not hate such a loose, immoral woman? Oh woe betide me!” said Asuka.
Shinji felt the tears pour onto his arm and it tore at him.
The tears viciously ripped into Shinji’s arm, then devoured his shredded remains.
"I could never hate you, Asuka. I care too much for you to do that," he replied without thinking.
“Actually, now that I think about it, I could hate you.”
She stiffened a bit at his answer.
“Hey, Asuka....what’s that poking me in the belly?”
"How could you not? I'm filthy! I'm unclean! I've really screwed things up!" she cried, wracked with sobs. "I'm carrying some scumbag's bastard inside of me!"
At this point, any true otaku would have been mumbling ‘slut’ as they printed out this story, ripped it to shreds, and posted pics of themselves doing so on 2ch.
" Hush," he said gently as he took his arm from his side and wrapped it around her, holding her lower belly with his hand. "You'll upset the baby. It's not her fault."
“Hey, I’m trying to sleep down here, do you mind?” yelled the fetus, pounding Asuka’s womb with a broom handle.
His actions and words shocked Asuka. For the first time that day, she thought of the life growing inside of her as a baby. Her baby.
Then she remembered that she hated kids.
His hand was warm on her belly, and a feeling like it belonged there grew within her shattered heart. Then what he said struck her.
"Her?" she asked, genuinely surprised at what he said. "How can you tell it's a girl? The doctors can't even tell yet!"
“Are you psychic? Wow!”
"Oh, I just have a feeling," Shinji said as he smiled into her hair, "She'll be a little girl, with her mother's red hair, blue eyes, and wild spirit."
“And deep-seated inferiority complex.”
"Oh really?" she shot back, "And what makes you the great expert? Lots of experience with babies?" Some of her fiery spirit was starting to emerge from the depression of earlier.
“How dare you claim to know anything about babies?!”
"Not really, but with a mother like the Great Asuka, she wouldn't be any other way!" Asuka chuckled a bit.
"Thank you, Shinji," she said as she tried to relax. It was a few minutes more before she spoke again, as some of the sniggling doubts came back to haunt her.
I, too, have some serious doubts about sniggling.
"Shinji?"
"Yes, Asuka?"
"Did you really mean what you said earlier?" came the soft question, in a voice afraid of the answer. "Do you really care for me?"
“Of course not,” he said, snickering.
"Yes, Asuka, I do. With all my heart." he answered automatically. "Holy crap! Did I just say that out loud?" came the voice of the Coward that hid down in the depths. The Man promptly kicked him square in the face and shoved him back in the shadows.
[url]http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa159/Shriana/JumbotronFacepalm.jpg[/url]
"I more than care, I love this woman"
"Why? I always treated you like crap!"
Good question!
"Not always. The past few months have been better. And to answer your question, I just do." he answered her, feeling her body get warmer to the touch.
“I just do, okay? What do you expect, character development?”
Asuka looked at him and stuck her tongue out. “I eat what I like! Jeeez!”
"And…and you'll never leave me?" once more soft and tinged with fear.
"Never. I'll never leave either one of you two," he answered again, as he gently rubbed her belly, causing her to coo a bit. " I may not be this baby's father, but I'll be a father to her if you'll let me."
Getting awfully presumptuous there, Shin-chan.
"What…what do you mean by that?" Asuka gasped, her heart starting to pound like mad. She was shaking like a leaf.
Asuka was [cliche], like [hackneyed phrase].
"Just what I said, Asuka. Let's just leave it at that. Now, get some sleep, you have a busy day tomorrow," Shinji replied as he drew her closer, making her feel safe and protected.
Shinji held his mate with one arm and gripped his club with the other, wary lest there be any saber-toothed tigers in the area.
"Idiot," she yawned as sleep did it's best to claim her.
"Flattery will get you nowhere," he chuckled as he felt her slowly drift off to the land of dreams. A few minutes later, he followed suit.
“The land of dreams?” Groan.
The morning wasn't going really well for anyone.
“When the rosy-fingered dawn pulled back the curtain of night...” Oh, sorry, forgot I wasn’t reviewing another Adam Kadmon fic.
First off, Misato was shocked to find her two charges sleeping in the same bed, but the look Shinji shot her kept her mouth shut.
Yeah, Shinji, you show that woman her place.
"It's not what you think, Misato. She was scared," he added apologetically as he carefully slid out from behind the sleeping girl.
“She was scared. Pen-Pen came into her room with a knife.”
"Asuka? Scared? Not likely," Misato said teasingly as Shinji softly closed the door and headed for the kitchen. The tone was completely lost on Shinji.
"Misato! How can you say that? After all the shit that just happened to her?" he growled back.
He gave her a swift punch to the face.
The Major took several steps back and held up her hands up in the air.
"I'm sorry! I was just teasing!" she said quickly as Shinji's face softened a bit and his shoulders slumped.
A little slow on the uptake, aren’t we, Shin-chan?
"I'm sorry, Misato! I shouldn't have snapped at you." he said a bit dejectedly. "I apologize for how I treated you yesterday, it was wrong. It's just…."
"I know, kiddo, I know," she said as she placed her arms around the young man standing before her. To her surprise, Shinji didn't breakdown. He just relaxed a bit as he wrapped his arms around her. "Being a mom can be nice, sometimes," she mused.
This fic’s first chapter has more hugs than an episode of Barney and Friends.
"I don't know what to do for her," he said softly.
"Just do what you're good at, Shinji.
“Crying and masturbating?”
“N-no, Shinji, um..” Misato put her finger to her lips in thought. “What was it you were good at, again?”
Just be there for her."
"I will. I'm not going to run away, ever. I promised them that." Misato looked Shinji in the eye and wondered when he grew up to be the man she now saw him to be.
All it took for Shinji to man up was for Asuka to get pregnant from a dirty toilet seat! Hooray!
"Shinji?" cried a startled voice from his room. Shinji quickly extracted himself from Misato's hug and ran to the room.
"I'm here, Asuka!" he said as he slid the door open, revealing the terrified girl sitting up in his bed. She was shaking violently.
"Where, where were you?" she cried out as he went over and took her in his arms.
“I can’t be without you for more than thirty seconds at a time!” Asuka sobbed and moaned about the complete bastardization of her character.
"It's okay, I just got up to make some breakfast before…arrrrgh!" he said as the redhead suddenly leapt off the bed, throwing him into the floor and running as fast as she could for the bathroom.
“Oh god I just hugged dorkface!” Asuka gargled and spat noisily. “Oh, and somehow I’m pregnant but no one knows why. That, too.”
"It's going to be a long seven months," he thought as he followed her into the bathroom and took care of her as he had the previous day. Misato just looked at the two teenagers and sadly smiled. She had no idea what was in store for these two when the Commander finds out, but she was sure that things would work out.
YES, I’M SURE GENDO WILL BE VERY UNDERSTANDING.
"What do you mean Shinji can't come?" Asuka yelled as she munched on her toast, sending crumbs everywhere.
“I tried all night but he’s as flaccid as a banana peel,” grumbled Misato.
"Shinji needs to head back to school today and take care of things there," Misato replied calmly as she sipped her tea. "He's got to pick up both of your assignments from yesterday, as well as yours for today, Asuka. I also have some paperwork he needs to give the teachers and principle when he's there."
“Then he has to do your homework for you,” she continued. “Because you’re a woman.”
"What? He's not going to tell everyone about this, is he?" she screeched and shot Shinji a dirty look. He waved his hands in the air in protest.
“No way,” he reassured her. “Just Toji and Kensuke.”
"No, I'm not! I'm just going to explain the situation to the administrators and give the paperwork needed. I promise you I won't tell anyone!"
"You're not going to go blab to the Stooges, are you?" she asked nervously, expecting a breach in her trust.
I love how Asuka alternates between being Shinji’s helpless love-slave and thinking he’s perverted scum. This is not how multidimensional characterization is supposed to work.
"No, I'm not, Asuka," he replied as he took her hand , "I won't even tell Hikari about it."
"Uh, you can tell her, I guess. Just nobody else." she stammered, wondering what her friend would think of her after hearing the news.
Wouldn’t Asuka want to tell Hikari herself? These characterizations are all so wrong.
"As you wish," he said with a smile as he stood, placed his right fist over his heart and bowed slightly to her. Shinji then turned and went to take his shower before school. Asuka's and Misato's jaws hit the table, as both stared wide-eyed in the direction of the bathroom.
"He's…changed," Asuka said as she basked in the warm glow that Shinji had left her in. She reached down and rubbed her belly, and smiled.
Did someone kidnap Shinji and replace him with Don Quixote?
"Naw," Misato said as she finished off her tea and thought about a line in one of her favorite books, "The sleeper has awakened!" She grinned at Asuka's obvious confusion and sent her on her way to get dressed.
“What, Dune’s a great movie!” protested Misato when met with Asuka’s blank stare.
"Hey, Shinji!" a voice called out to him as he got of his motorcycle and removed his helmet and leather jacket.
“Motorcycle” and “leather jacket” are two phrases that should never be in the same sentence as “Shinji.”
Shinji looked up to see his friend, Touji Suzahara, limping over to him. "You rode the bike to school today? Sweet!"
“Limping?” Does this take place after episode 18? “Oh my God, I’m crippled for li---woah, sweet bike, chief!”
"Aw, he just did that to get the chicks! Right, Shinji?" asked his other friend, Kensuke Aida, who was getting lots of footage of Shinji's bike with his new digital camera that his father had given him for Christmas.
“Do you think the bike would want to go to the arcade with me after school?” said Kensuke eagerly.
"Speaking of chicks, where's the Red Headed Devil? You two newlyweds have a spat or something?" Touji teased as slapped Shinji on the shoulder. Shinji turned and shot him a look that could shatter the armour plating off of every EVA ever constructed.
Toji let out a bloodcurdling shriek as steam blew up from his sizzling flesh.
"Don't ever call her that again." he seethed, causing his friends to take a few steps back.
"Whoa, dude! Chill!" Touji protested, "Just kidding, man! What's wrong?" Kensuke was filming
the whole incident until Shinji turned and looked like he was ready to shove the camera up Kensuke's ass. The camera was quickly put away.
Woah, I didn’t know Shinji and Kensuke were...into that sort of thing. School is hardly the place for it, regardless.
"Sorry guys, I'm just tired and a little worried. Asuka's not feeling very well right now. Misato took her to see Dr. Akagi for some tests." Shinji apologized to his friends. "I came to get our assignments from yesterday and let the teachers know what's going on."
"And what is going on?" Kensuke asked, his instincts for trouble were serving him well.
Kensuke has great instincts for trouble, which is why he wants nothing to do with Nerv or the Evas.
"Just like I said, Asuka's not feeling well," Shinji said with a tone that warned his friend to drop the whole conversation.
"Eh, it's probably that time of the month," Touji added as Shinji slugged him in the fake arm as they walked to class.
Oh, so this is after Bardiel. And Toji’s fake limbs are mentioned so dismissively. The future is wonderful. This sort of thing happens every day in Tokyo-3, so no one even bats an eye at it. Makes episode 18 seem kind of silly in retrospect.
"No, we're not going to have to worry about that in the near future," Shinji thought as they entered the classroom and took their seats. Opening his computer, he quickly typed a message to Hikari and awaited her answer.
"Hi Shinji," Hikari called out as she headed for the tree where she and Asuka liked to eat lunch often. "You're not eating today?"
Huh? Do Shinji and Hikari eat lunch together, or is she obsessed with him all of the sudden?
"Hi Hikari," he answered back, "not today, I'm not very hungry, and I don't plan on being here for too much longer today. I still need to deliver some paperwork to the principle and then go…"
"See to Asuka?" Hikari smiled as she finished Shinji's sentence. He just sat and smirked, his eyes twinkling just a bit. Hikari thought it was cute.
Hikari removed her skirt, her sense of propriety overridden by Shinji’s irresistible bishie sparkles.
"That obvious?" he said wryly and shook his head. The young lady next to him just giggled.
"You've had it bad for that girl since the day she first showed up here. Besides, you both were gone yesterday, and she's not here today. That means she's not feeling good.
Oh, of course that’s what that means! It’s not like he could have killed her and disposed of the body or anything!
How's she doing? It's not serious, I hope!" the pig tailed class rep asked, somewhat worried.
"About as serious as it can get," he thought glumly as he turned to face his friend.
“Friend?” They talk to each other in...one episode, I believe.
"Hikari, I have something to tell you, but before I do, you have to promise me something."
"Not good," Hikari thought to herself. "What do you want me to promise?"
Shinji nodded at her breasts and recoiled as he was slapped.
"That you will promise to hear me out. That you don't go flying off the handle. That you won't judge things or jump to conclusions. That you'll still be there for Asuka. Most importantly, that you will not tell anyone, even Touji. Can you promise me that?" Shinji asked, his face a mask of stone, but his eyes pleading for Hikari to understand.
Look Shinji, no matter how you sugarcoat it, she’s just not going to be cool with you killing Asuka.
"Definitely not good at all," she mused. "I promise, Shinji."
"Thank you, Hikari," he replied, and felt as if a huge weight was off of his shoulders, "One weight down, eight hundred to go,".
Wait, isn’t he congratulating himself a little ahead of time here? He hasn’t told her anything yet.
Sighing, he sat there for a minute or so, trying to gather his thoughts and figure out the best way to break the news.
He decided on hand puppets and an anatomy chart.
"What did you want to say…" Hikari asked gently, before Shinji cut her off.
"Asuka's pregnant," came his reply, not knowing of any other way to soften the blow. Hikari's face went pale as her jaw dropped, eyes wide as saucers. Shinji reached over and took her hand, not in a romantic way, but as a friend trying to comfort another.
It’s so telling that we now need to be specifically told Shinji isn’t trying to seduce her here. Thanks, fic.
"She's going to need you, Hikari. She's going to need her friends, more than ever."
"But…but…but how? Who? Not you…" she stammered, shocked completely beyond the ability to comprehend. Shinji's eyes wore a sadness that broke Hikari's heart.
“Well, you see Hikari,” Shinji choked back the tears, “guys and girls are supposed to have sex to make babies.” They both collapsed to the ground in moaning and agony at the horrors of cooties.
"You promised not to jump to conclusions," he said, not harshly. "No, I'm not the father. I wish…" he said with such sorrow that Hikari wanted to weep for him, before the emotions were clamped back down and he picked up his burden once more.
She wanted to weep for him because of her great sympathy for his wish that he was the one that boned Asuka and not some other asshole.
He told her the story the best he could, everything that they had been able to figure out. He even told her of how he promised to be there for her and the baby, and how he would never leave.
"So, what is she going to do? What are you going to do, Shinji?" Hikari asked, blushing slightly when she thought about the responsibility the sixteen year old man had just accepted, and wondering how many others would do the same thing.
Shinji’s sixteen now?!?! I guess that would explain the driver’s license. What the hell else changed when we weren’t looking? Is Pen-Pen a cyborg now? Damn it, fic, you can’t just drop this kind of shit in offhand in the middle of a story. Apparently Shinji’s motorcycle was a much more important detail than Toji’s maiming or Third Impact evidently having been averted.
"I don't know yet, Hikari, but I have a few ideas," he said as he stood and extended his hand to help his friend up from her seat. Hikari reached over and gave him a big hug before he could leave.
What is it with this fic and emphasizing the non-existent friendship between Shinji and Hikari?
"That was for Asuka, make sure to give it to her," she told the blushing teen, " and this one is for you," she continued as she gave him a small peck on the cheek. He touched his cheek lightly, puzzled.
"Why?" he inquired, somewhat perplexed.
I’m wondering that myself. Is this going to turn into a love triangle fic?
"For being such a nice guy! Asuka's lucky to have you!" she smiled shyly as she looked in his dark blue eyes. "Just don't tell Touji what I did, okay?"
DJ--I mean, Shinji--is so perfect even the minor characters want him!
"What, and risk getting myself pummel to death twice over? No thanks!" he grinned as his friend giggled at his reply.
Shinji and Hikari are friends, in case you missed it the first six times.
She watched him as he shook his head a bit and walked back toward the school.
"Shinji! Let Asuka know I'll call her tonight!" she called out as he raised his arm over his head and waved his acknowledgement back at her. She sighed as she thought about how nice of a guy Shinji Ikari really was.
Shinji Ikari: harem stud. And Jesus, what did he do that’s supposed to be so great, besides being rather creepily possessive about Asuka?
After dropping off the paperwork with the school administrators, Shinji mounted his motorcycle and rode to NERV headquarters. He had a lot of time to think as he rode the monorail through the GeoFront.
Is he on his motorcycle or is he on the monorail? Make up your mind; simple logistics like this shouldn’t be giving us headaches.
This line of thinking was scaring the hell out of him, but The Man inside of him kept beating the snot out of The Coward and sending him packing.
Yeah, this whole ‘two partitions of himself duking it out inside’ thing is really lame and has no connection to the series. It reads like a bad comic book.
He came up with a plan of action that he hope would take care of as many things as possible. Three things in this plan worried him the most, but he had a family to take of.
No, three things in a plan can’t worry you the most; only one thing can worry you the most. It just doesn’t work like that. If only his stupid inner monologuing about his new family would turn into a Raising Arizona homage or something.
If you have to give us fake OOC Shinji, you might as well do it right and give us Nic Cage instead.
That was painful.
