[Fic] Ayanami: Vengeance (New Version of Chapter 40 Online!)

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Postby Ryjin » Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:33 pm

Yeah when I get around to my fic there's a couple of detail I'm going to go into that seemed to be glazed over in the original.

Oh and GasMask I was going to get you my first sketch of horned zero but the pic got messed up when we had a silly string war in the house but I'll try and get a new one out as soon as possible.
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Postby GasmaskAvenger » Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:03 pm

I might make Shinji puke out LCL after the Sachiel fight (Trust me, how it ends might amuse some, confuse others and deeply disturb the rest)
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Postby Ryjin » Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:15 pm

Coolness, I also just about got a quick sketch or Nu-Zero done and if all go well I should have it up in a little bit.
"It is the Thunderbolt that steers the universe."~ Heraclitus
The people who voted for Obama or Romney are fucking idiots. Wake the fuck up.
"The Constitution was our last, best hope for peace... It failed. But, in the Year of the War against the Globalists, it became something greater: our last, best hope

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Postby GasmaskAvenger » Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:18 pm

I think that the whole "unfriendliness towards Asuka" nature of my fanfic might turn some readers off, but I don't care


This fanfic is something I really want to do and I can do it without compromise
Satsuki Kiryuin wants you to turn that frown upside down...
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Postby Ryjin » Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:44 pm

Here's Zero!
Image

As for the whole Asuak and Rei issue you're never going to please everybody and if you try to you end up with Hollywood plus on top of it it's your work and yo got to write it how you feel and fuck the bullshit. Myself personally I like them both for different reasons and think they both have their place and deserve an equal amount of lime light and it should never be an issue of one upstaging the other, it's Eva after all and it made itself perfectly clear that its whole world is but a stage so I think there is enough light for the both of them ;)
"It is the Thunderbolt that steers the universe."~ Heraclitus
The people who voted for Obama or Romney are fucking idiots. Wake the fuck up.
"The Constitution was our last, best hope for peace... It failed. But, in the Year of the War against the Globalists, it became something greater: our last, best hope

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Postby GasmaskAvenger » Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:53 pm

looks snazzy



and yeah. I don't plan to compromise to please those who don't like the direction i'm going. It can be, in some ways, a reflection of how I look at Evangelion (I even brought up that I was urging to write a fanfic that some folks around here wouldn't like as early as when I first joined the forum) and what it means to me (Though it might not seem like that)


still, the whole angle i'm aiming it is very, very akin to how a filmmaker who decides to make his own take on another movie/story/novel and that its his vision of how he would have gone with the story, despite the fact that some people, in the end up, either love it or hate it


same case here (Though to be honest, I would appreciate more feedback, though I can tell that some people might find these early chapters, sans the Prologue, to be a bit on the boring side, but that's how I wanted to start it off. A very intense, kinetic opening prologue and once it hits the beginning of the actual story of focus, its a lot more low-key and quiet, only for it to build up to the actual action)


Still, for those who are enjoying this, thank you and I continue to look forward to the feedback
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Postby Ryjin » Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:10 am

I'm waiting to see both how your story and writing style turns out before I start really critiquing it, you know the stuff you're doing good at, where you can improve and that kinda of stuff, nothing mean or anything since this is all in good fun but I figure a proper critique will help you out in the long run. Although keep in mind the first draft of any work (especially for new writers) is always going to be somewhat dodgy in parts particularly when you're still in the fleshing out the story phase so the best thing to do is just go through and get it written up to the end then go over it and give it a second coat of paint since you now got a clearer idea of how the story goes together.
"It is the Thunderbolt that steers the universe."~ Heraclitus
The people who voted for Obama or Romney are fucking idiots. Wake the fuck up.
"The Constitution was our last, best hope for peace... It failed. But, in the Year of the War against the Globalists, it became something greater: our last, best hope

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Postby GasmaskAvenger » Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:42 am

On the topic of Chapter 5, I got no real idea of what direction I want to go with it, aside from Kaji explaining where he was the day before and having Rei having her first combat training session
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Postby Ryjin » Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:51 am

Well the first combat training part has a lot to offer if you want to flesh out how the Evas are operated but yeah you do need a little bit more to go on, maybe you can set up a situations were Rei comes across something that begins to hint at NERVs darker side, nothing major enough to tip her off to early but still dark enough to plant a seed of doubt for later.
"It is the Thunderbolt that steers the universe."~ Heraclitus
The people who voted for Obama or Romney are fucking idiots. Wake the fuck up.
"The Constitution was our last, best hope for peace... It failed. But, in the Year of the War against the Globalists, it became something greater: our last, best hope

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Postby GasmaskAvenger » Thu Jan 07, 2010 1:03 am

I just remembered that Rei is going to ask Aoba if he has any spare guitar strings

I might also do more classroom hijinks, a scene with the committee and maybe even begin to build up a sort-of distrust some of the employees of Nerv have towards Maya, due to her always being late (Mainly Aoba, Hyuga and Ritsuko)



also, before anyone asks, Misato is probably in Germany at the moment and that she doesn't know that Kaji is working for Nerv (The only reason why he knows is because Ritsuko told him) and thus before I do a timejump from now to the Sachiel fight, I must give Misato a proper introduction
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Postby DevRei17 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:32 pm

Can't wait for chapter 5!
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Postby Ryjin » Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:42 pm

G-Man's working on it as fast as he can, it should be up shortly.
"It is the Thunderbolt that steers the universe."~ Heraclitus
The people who voted for Obama or Romney are fucking idiots. Wake the fuck up.
"The Constitution was our last, best hope for peace... It failed. But, in the Year of the War against the Globalists, it became something greater: our last, best hope

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Postby GasmaskAvenger » Thu Jan 07, 2010 7:45 pm

I'll be gone for about an hour, so at least by 7 PM at the latest (Pacific Time), it'll be up
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Postby Ryjin » Thu Jan 07, 2010 8:40 pm

So by 9 my end? You're killing me smalls.
"It is the Thunderbolt that steers the universe."~ Heraclitus
The people who voted for Obama or Romney are fucking idiots. Wake the fuck up.
"The Constitution was our last, best hope for peace... It failed. But, in the Year of the War against the Globalists, it became something greater: our last, best hope

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Postby GasmaskAvenger » Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:03 pm

It might take a bit longer for it to come out, but it will be online before the day is done

It'll be worth it, with the increased build-up to the first angel fight and such
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Postby Ryjin » Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:21 pm

Why it better be! :fistshake:
"It is the Thunderbolt that steers the universe."~ Heraclitus
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"The Constitution was our last, best hope for peace... It failed. But, in the Year of the War against the Globalists, it became something greater: our last, best hope

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Postby GasmaskAvenger » Fri Jan 08, 2010 12:28 am

Chapter 5: Combat 101


5:12 AM. Wednesday.

At least there's no need to rush this morning, since she's going to school first

but then, her cellphone rings, awaking her.

"Oh man. Ever since I moved here, I haven't been able to get good enough sleep", Rei groans as she grabs her cellphone and answers it

"Hello?", she asks

"Hey Rei. I sure missed you yesterday", the voice on the other line called out. It was Kaji

"Kaji, where were you yesterday? You ended up making Mari wake me up a lot sooner than I was needed.", Rei groaned back.

"Oops. I apologize for that. She actually had called me earlier and yelled at me for not giving her clearer ideas of when you two were supposed to be there.", Kaji apologized

"So...please. Be honest with me. Was me and Mari supposed to be there at a certain time?", Rei sternly asked

"Well...actually, Yui said that they needed the two of you at some point of the day, but didn't give me any particular details of when exactly you two were needed. However, the Commander then got hold of the phone and said that he wanted you two as soon as possible, so if there's anyone you want to blame, blame Commande Ikari", Kaji confessed to Rei.

"Heh. Such a stern guy, yet the only time I remember him showing a soft side was when he...he...", Rei told Kaji, yet as soon as she remembered her past, she began to tear up, due to the fact that she doesn't like to revisit that fateful day back at Gehrim when she was only 9 years old.

"Yeah, I know. In fact, let's just leave it there. In fact, Mari had said that those two dudes you had over along with Mari the other day told her that you need a swimming suit today, since you all are going swimming today", Kaji told her.

"I'm sorry, but my parents didn't pack me one.", Rei responded. "And I haven't swam in months!"

"Don't worry", Kaji replied "As soon as I mentioned that you might not have a swimming suit on you, Mari immediately said she'll lend you one of her own."

"Great. So you're going to pick me up and drop me off at school again?", Rei asked

"Yeah. In fact, i'll be dropping the two of you off today, since, after all, Mari's gotta lend out her swimsuit to you.", Kaji told Rei

"Sounds good. So, when you two will be by to pick me up?", Rei asked

"In about an hour by the earliest", Kaji responded. "Better be ready by then"

"Sure will", Rei replied. After that, she hung up her cellphone and started to get ready

"Now I have to wait till tomorrow to wear my old school uniform. Bah!", Rei muttered as she was getting ready, which consisted of a shower, breakfast, brushing her teeth and getting dressed into her school clothes and such

She then flipped on the TV to see what actual Television channels Tokyo-3 has. And the first thing she comes across is a documentary about some robotics maestro by the name of Naomi Mifune

"At the age of either 12 or 13, Naomi lost her hand in a chem lab accident in college. The US government had given her a robotic hand, yet with the help of her father, she crafted herself a hand far more advance than anyone else could have come up with", said the man narrating the documentary

"Gee..only around my age and she was in college already? Damn. Just, damn", Rei muttered in complete bemusement

She then immersed herself in watching this documentary, only to get interrupted by hearing knocking at her door.

"Oh crap. Must see if they'll have this on again later. This Naomi is quite something", Rei blurted as she heard the knocking and turned off her television.

She then opened her door and saw both Kaji and Mari standing.

"Is it just me or does Mari always wear that everywhere she goes? I must ask her later.", Rei pondered to herself

"So you're ready? Rei", Mari told Rei as she was surprised to see that unlike yesterday, Rei was completely ready for the day

"Yup. Thanks to Kaji, I was able to buy myself time to get ready.", Rei told Mari as she put on her shoes and stepped out of her apartment. She then shut and locked the door behind her as she stepped by Mari and Kaji.

"Alrighty, you two. Let's go", Kaji told them as he began to walk towards his car

"You still make the school uniform look good", Mari told Rei as they got into the car

"Eh, can you drop it.", Rei told Mari

"No, i'm serious. You and that school uniform are just made for each other.", Mari informed Rei of her opinion

"Okay. Let me make it clear. The only way I would wear this god forsaken school uniform all the time would be if I was some quiet, emotionless, lifeless doll who was the sex slave of an old man who I would follow around all the time, only because I bore a passing resemblence to his deceased wife. If I was a freak like that, okay. Maybe I would wear this school uniform all the time, but that's not what I am and I don't want to be like that. Okay." Rei yelled at Mari in a burst of frustration.

"Gee, Rei. Chill. Chill out. Don't need to go on the warpath over me complimenting that you and that school uniform fit each other like a couple.", Mari said, feeling a bit down that she pissed Rei off

"Funny thing is that now that we brought this up, I want to know why YOU were your uniform all the time?", Rei asked Mari

"Oh. This? I have plenty of other clothes to wear, but i'm always either at school or doing security work with Five, so I never get a chance to have some R&R.", Mari sighed as she replied

"Hey. Why not I come by YOUR place today instead?", Rei asks Mari

"Sure. Since i've been to your place, it would be fair if you come to mine", Mari replied

"I'll drop you guys off there after you get out of your combat training", Kaji muttered as he drove Rei and Mari to school.



At school, the teacher told the class "Alright. Today, Mrs. Kumamoto will be taking the girls out to swim while the boys must do some track and field. Understand?"

"Yes, teacher.", the entire class replies.

"Alright. Move along. Don't want to keep Mrs. Kumamoto waiting", Class Rep. Hikari told her fellow classmates as they all left the classroom.

"So...as you said. It's been a long time since you swam, right?", Mari asked Rei.

"Yeah. It must have been a year since I took a swim", Rei replied "So you got the swimming suit you were going to lend out to me?"

"Absolutely. Once we get in the locker room to change, i'll give it to you.", Mari replied



Inside the locker room, Mari handed Rei a navy blue one piece swimsuit and told her "Here. This is your swimsuit. In fact, you can keep it. I got plenty of my own".

"Well...thank you. I'll go put it on right now", Rei thanked Mari as she then started to remove her clothes to put the swimsuit on.

After she put it on, Mari then said "Wow. It fits you far better than I ever imagined. It's yours.", Mari told Rei in amazement that the swimsuit fit her so well.

"Well, thank you. Heh, your swimsuit would make Kensuke drool", Rei told Mari as she saw Mari in a green two piece swimsuit.

However, as soon as Rei mentioned Kensuke's name, Mari blushed in embarrassment.

"Oh. Wait a second. You like the guy, don't you?", Rei asked Mari with an impish smile

"Uh...uh...I think he's cute little nerdy boy", Mari replied.

"Or that both of you wear glasses. You two woud certainly make a cute couple.", Rei smirked a fairly devilish smirk

"Oh you!", Mari laughed as she lightly shoved Rei, in which both bursted into laughter.

"What you guys doing? Get your asses out here! You don't have all day", Class Rep. Hikari barked at Rei and Mari.

Mari then turned her head towards Hikari and yelled "Piss off, class rep. Me and Rei will be out there soon."

Hikari, not having anything else to say, stomped away in irritated as Rei and Mari started laughing again

"Good one, Mari. You sure put Little Bo Peep in her place", Rei laughed as she replied to Mari.

"Yeah. Anyways, let's have fun in the sun and water now", Mari told Rei "Let's Go!"

The two then ran out of the locker room. When the reached the pool, Mari immediately jumped into the pool, while Rei stopped, turned around, put her arms out and let herself fall into the pool.

Rei then corkscrewed herself underwater until she surfaced out of the water to catch her breath.

"What an elegant entrance there.", Mari told Rei. Both of them are dripping wet, due to being in the pool.

"Oh, you're so kind", Rei replied.



Over by the track, all the boys were staring at the girls

"Man. Mari looks even better wet and without glasses than dry and with glasses!", Kensuke yelped

"Now I wonder what Rei looks like are dunking herself.", Toji muttered

Right after he said that, Rei then walked out the pool like a fashion model, completely wet. She then stroked her head up, in which all the boys began to whistle and scream things at her

"WOOO HOOO!!", all the boys screamed at the sight of a wet Rei.

However, funbreaker Hikari then caught a glimpse of the boys watching and yelled "Ewww...all the boys are staring at us."

"Oh shit. the class rep. caught us.", Toji welped after he heard Hikari's voice

"Busted", another girl yelled at the boys.



Back at the pool, Mari then told Rei "Heh. You sure stunned the boys with your looks"

"Yeah, but..", Rei muttered

"But what?", Mari replied in confusion

"The thing is that none of the boys here interest me at all. I want a guy who's more...sensitive. While I may seem shy and all, that's hardly what I am, so I would not tolerated a jockish meathead being my guy at all. I want a guy who can share and relate my pains and troubles when I have them", Rei told Mari

"Wow. That's quite...deep, Rei. So you prefer softies. Well, we all have own own preferences, so more power to you, then.", Mari replied

"Alright, hit the locker room and get cleaned up. We're going back to class now", Hikari told her classmates

"I guess its back to class, eh?", Mari remarked

"Well, that was certainly a lot of fun", Rei replied.

The two girls then headed back to the locker room to dry up and get dressed.



As they got out of the locker room all dressed up, they then ran into a familiar figure.

"Oh, Kaji. What'cha doing here?", Mari asked

"Rei, I got word from the Ikaris that you will be starting your combat training in about 30 minutes, so i'm here to pick you up.", Kaji replied

"Great. Now I can actually do something in my EVA", Rei remarked

"As for you, Mari. You'll be doing some underground security watch with Five", Kaji told Mari

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know", Mari shrugged.

"Alright you two. Let's go!", Kaji told them, in which they all left



About an hour later, Rei was back in her Evangelion, all ready to start combat training. However, the cockpit once began to fill up with LCL

"Oh, come on. Not this orange shit again!", Rei welped as her cockpit began to fill up with it

"Get used to it, Rei. Its required for all EVA pilots to have their cockpit to be filled up with LCL before we get the Evangelion ready to be used.", Ritsuko informed her

"Alright...", Rei replied. However, before she could say any more, the entire cockpit was filled with the stuff. It smelled even worse than the day before, causing Rei to freak out a little. However, once again, the psychedelic display of colors and lights flashed before her eyes, causing the LCL to simply vanish. She was then entirely back into pilotin her Evangelion. Unit 00.

"Okay, Rei. What I want you to do is try to walk.", Yui told Rei.

"Got it.", Rei replied.

She then began to get Unit 00 walking, which succeeded.

"Wow. Such flawless execution.", Ritsuko muttered

"Indeed.", Yui nodded. "Now, try and do stuff you would normally do, except transfer all your thoughts into your Evangelion"

"Alright.", Rei responded

She then got Unit 00 to move its arms, flex them and such. She also walked around a little and even pretended to act like she was fighting an invisible man

"My goodness. Not only she's executing all these things without breaking a sweat, her synch level is so high", Maya muttered

"Indeed. Ain't it crazy?", Yui replied

"Absolutely. As you said, it seems like that both today and yesterday, Rei has been reuniting with something dear to her she lost. It just doesn't add up", Ritsuko pondered

All of a sudden, a large armored figured popped up, caughting Rei off guard.

"What the hell?!?", Rei yelled

"Okay, now grab a gun. Once you get it, position the target in the center and pull the trigger.", Ritsuko told Rei

"Gotcha. This shall be easy", Rei muttered as she smirked.

She then made Unit 00 grabbing a gun and did exactly what Ritsuko told her, which resulted in the target getting neutralized.

"My god. She's excellent!", Ritsuko gasped

"Unbelievable", Maya yelled in surprised

"Yup. She's good. Real good" Yui muttered

Both Gendo and Fuyutsuki, while not saying a word, seemed satisfied by the results

"So...where the hell did she learn about handling a gun?", Maya asked

"I got a clear idea of where she learned that", Yui smirked



"You bastards. You can't stop me!", Rei yelled into a headset while she sat by her computer, playing a First Person Shooter online with other people. In game, she had killed various other players, right up to the last person, resulting in her winning that round

"Dammit, Kylos! You kicked all of our asses.", the voice of some 20 something dude yelled through Rei's headset

"How does it feel to be owned by a little girl?" Rei yelled back in her headset mic.



"Yeah...right", Ritsuko muttered as she rolled her eyes.



After the combat training, Rei felt sick to her stomach

"Uhhgh. That orange crap is going to be the death of me.", Rei moaned as she made her way to the bathroom. She then entered the bathroom, dragged herself towards a toilet and began to vomit in it.

"Don't worry, you'll get used to that piss", Mari told Rei.

"Uuuhhh.", Rei groaned, only to resume puking



After getting dressed and cleaned up, Rei then remembered that she had to ask that one guy who worked here if he had any guitar strings to spare, so she walked around, right until she bumped into a long haired man in a Nerv uniform named Aoba.

"Excuse me, but Mari told me that you played guitar. Is that true?", Rei asked Aoba

"Woah. You. Play. Guitar?", Aoba replied as his eyes widened in surprise

"Absolutely.", Rei replied as she smiled.

"Damn. In fact...here's my address. We should compare our skills on an off-day", Aoba responded as he then gave Rei a piece of paper containing his address "I would gladly help, but not now, i'm a little busy."

"Great. So...when?", Rei asked

"How about tomorrow?", Aoba replied

"Okay. Nice meeting you", Rei replied as she walked off.

After Rei left, Aoba muttered to herself "Heh. Now there's two musicians in the house."



About two hours later, Kaji had dropped Rei and Mari off at Mari's place. As they got inside, Mari told Rei "Okay, lemme get dressed. Okay?"

"Sure thing", Rei replied.

As Rei waited as Mari got dressed, she then emerged out of her bathroom wearing a pink tank top and a blue skirt.

"Is that better?", Mari asked Rei

"Yeah. You look nice. Mind if we watch your TV? I was watching a documentary on some gal this morning and I wanted to see if I could finish it. Is that fine with you?", Rei asked

"Oh. That documentary? Heh. You'll get tired of seeing it soon. They play that and other documentaries about Naomi Mifune ALL THE TIME.", Mari told Rei

"Whatever. I want to finish it. It was getting good.', Rei replied

"Fine. I was just warning you that you'll see a lot of thing about that Naomi gal on the telly all the time. In fact, my telly is absolute bollocks, but whatever.", Mari replied

They then sat down, turned Mari's TV on and changed it to the channel that played the documentary that was on earlier in the day.



It was then 10:37 PM. Kaji had then stopped by Mari's place to pick Rei up and drop her off. All three said goodbye and Rei and Kaji proceeded to leave

At 11:00 PM, Kaji dropped Rei off at her apartment room and left. She then got dressed for bed and fell asleep.




Somewhere in Antarctica, a white, egg-like structure began to emit a large amount of disjointed voices. Lights began to flash out of it, and then...a dark green hand emerged out of it.

A giant figure with a bird-like skull then eased its way out of the egg and looked into the horizon

This giant, in question, is the Third Angel. Sachiel

The first angel Rei and Unit 00 will fight and the first angel The Third Child and Unit 01 will fight.

The Third Child, named Shinji Ikari.
Last edited by GasmaskAvenger on Fri Jan 08, 2010 3:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
Satsuki Kiryuin wants you to turn that frown upside down...
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Postby Ryjin » Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:17 am

"Okay. Let me make it clear. The only way I would wear this god forsaken school uniform all the time would be if I was some quiet, emotionless, lifeless doll who was the sex slave of an old man who I would follow around all the time, only because I bore a passing resemblance to his deceased wife."

Somewhere, somehow the Evaverse shuddered just a little bit! Also points scored for showing that what LCL comes in must also come out (dang it and I thought I was going to premier vomiting up LCL in my fic grumble grumble ...). And lastly a new born Sachi enter out unto the world for the first time, awwwwwww.
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Postby GasmaskAvenger » Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:21 am

yeah, I went real meta with this chapter in some parts :)
Satsuki Kiryuin wants you to turn that frown upside down...
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Postby Ryjin » Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:29 am

Now she just needs to have a dream about seeing her Evaverse Prime version :toothy:
"It is the Thunderbolt that steers the universe."~ Heraclitus
The people who voted for Obama or Romney are fucking idiots. Wake the fuck up.
"The Constitution was our last, best hope for peace... It failed. But, in the Year of the War against the Globalists, it became something greater: our last, best hope


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