[Fic] PRESS RELEASE: Man Rapes God (satire)

[Reichu]

(This post by SSD somehow resulted in me typing this. Everyone, please forgive me. And for those who don't know, this takes many of its cues from that Dr. K fanfic that's in development hell. Things I have left direly ambiguous here are "wtf batshit insane" in the story itself. In before tl;dr -- only bother posting if you read the thing.)


PRESS RELEASE: MAN RAPES GOD
UN Loses Further Credibility, Plethora of Questions Abound
September 15, 2001

(CSG) We all know about the story where God rapes the young Virgin Mary in order to conceive Jesus Christ. [Editor: He actually got her permission first. Nice try, though.] But what about the other way around -- Man raping God?

This idea graduated from the realm of mere metaphor two days ago, when one of the world's leading crackpots in the field of alternate alternate energy, Dr. Akira Katsuragi, was caught in an act so unearthly and grotesque, we must out of necessity censor ourselves to protect your fragile minds from its awfulness and sheer mindfuckery.

Formerly of Japan's prestigious Kyoto University, Katsuragi more recently joined the United Nations' controversial new International Science and Technology Advancement Agency (ISTAA). "I love the university, but I can't take my research any farther if I stay here. I've been forced to rely entirely on grant money, and it simply isn't enough," he said late last year of his departure.

The research in question involved his "Super Solenoid Theory", regarded by most in the scientific community as "nonsense in clear violation of the most fundamental principles of physics," as one of Katsuragi's former colleagues puts it. "It's all quite sad, since Katsuragi's early work is brilliant. What went wrong? It's like he hit his head somewhere along the line and couldn't see anything but these mystical spirals afterwards."

ISTAA apparently has "money to lose" on trying to make Katsuragi's theories a reality. Shortly after he joined their ranks, a research expedition was formed and sent to the UN's newly constructed, state-of-the-art facility in Antarctica. While the fact of the expedition itself was publicized, not much has been known about precisely what was going on down there.

"They've tried to pass it off as a straightforward energy research project," says Regina Whitmore of Particle Magazine, "but it was actually swathed in considerably more secrecy than you might expect."

Diplomat Kyosuke Eida adds, "This entire affair is only one of many reasons we've been given to suspect something's been amiss at the United Nations."

Without prior consent of the Katsuragi Investigation Team or ISTAA, an investigative body within the United Nations made a surprise visit to the Antarctica facility on the 13th and forced their way inside, with the hopes of breaking the seal of secrecy.

"Fortunately, this was a purely civilian base," says UN soldier Gustav Leipziger. "So they had no weapons, which made this real easy. All I had to do was point my gun at somebody's head, take the safety off, start counting down from ten, and they'd open the Level 1 Security door for me. But you know you can't trust these scientist people, so you always have to knock them out and take their card-keys afterward."

"You wouldn't believe the fucked up shit we saw in there," says UN investigator Teresa Marx. "It was like stepping straight into a bad sci-fi movie. These scientists were all mad. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what any of it had to do with energy research. Apparently something, but just don't ask me what."

The investigation reports that it infiltrated the base while a major experiment was underway. "Judging from the schedules around the base, this was a big day for them," Marx says. "They'd been undergoing preparations for months. If you asked me to explain it to you, though, I wouldn't have the slightest idea where to begin. When we walked in on that... 'procedure', a huge part of me died forever."

"Well," Marx's colleague Frenchy Hercules elaborates, "we did at least find out what Dr. Katsuragi and his team have been up to. You know that sci-fi cliche about aliens being buried under the Antarctic ice? They found one. No, I'm not making this shit up. I don't know about the experiment, though. It involved Dr. Katsuragi and the alien, and I have no clue what they were trying to do, but it seemed kind of sexual. Only... not."

The alien is a pretty poor excuse for one, looking more or less like a humongous person, with some minor, albeit creepy, differences. Pictures and footage are not yet officially approved for media use because the alien wants to be able to control how its image is used. (Predictably, controlling unsanctioned distribution on the Internet is a whole other issue.)

Although it wasn't initially engaged for interview, it forced itself into the minds of those present using, presumably, one of its mysterious alien powers. "I have rights, too," it said. "By your own standards, I am a person, so could you please start treating me like one?" When asked for its name, the alien produced a thought-abstraction that baffled the recipients so much that none could approximate it in human sounds. As a result, everyone has resorted to using the being's code name, "Adam", despite the alien's objections.

"'Adam' is supposed to be the first male in one of your mythologies, isn't it?" the entity quips. "Now, this always irritated me, because it would be rather obvious to those who've actually paid attention that I am female. I guess more of you assume I'm asexual than actually male, but that's still an insult. In my culture, the mother is revered above all else. It is we mothers who were entrusted with the most sacred task of all. Granted, it's a pretty shitty one, but at least you get to become a god, which is kind of cool."

The UN investigation team is, in fact, learning that the Katsuragi Expedition's primary financial backers are a secretive religious cult that consider Adam to be some kind of "god incarnate".

Adam is skeptical, however. "If this is how they treat their gods, I'd hate to find out how they treat their fellow mortals."

All of the members of the Katsuragi Research Team have been detained and are currently being questioned. Dr. Akira Katsuragi, as the designated leader of the expedition, faces the longest list of charges. Next month, he will be put on trial for Crimes Against God.

"Recent times have been really straining our efforts to keep religion out of secular policy, and this is just more icing on the cake," comments UN law expert Samir Banerji. "I think it was the Holy See's idea. Usually is. But which 'god' are we really talking about here...? This case is going to be a headache."

Charges of sexual assault, or possibly even rape, filed directly by Adam depend entirely on whether the incident can be demonstrated to have an adequately "sexual" nature.

"Was it sexual...?" says Dr. Miranda Romanova, a metaphysical biologist who was directly attending Katsuragi during the experiment. "Well... Umm... I don't have to answer this, do I? Can you interrogate me about something else?"

"Of course it was sexual!" Adam snaps. "If it weren't, I wouldn't be pregnant with that little man's grotesque child right now, would I? That, my dear mortals, is the very essence of sexual."

Katsuragi himself could be reached for comment, but he couldn't actually provide any because he was too busy crying like a little girl and murmuring things like, "I'm so sorry...... Please forgive me......"

"They say he's sensitive, like it's a good thing, but the truth of the matter is that he's just a pussy," Katsuragi's teenage daughter, who was forced to watch the spectacle no one wants to talk about, says. "And he's a pervert, too. So is it true that I'm going to have a half-alien sibling soon? I hate my dad so much. I always wanted a little sister, though. I hope it's a girl."

DNA tests have confirmed Katsuragi's paternity. It's unclear whether or not he will held to the usual requirement of paying child support, however. "Most single mothers are not over 130 feet tall. Only one of the wealthiest men on Earth would be able to financially support a woman that huge," says lawyer Judith Pythagoras. "And we don't even know what the child is going to look like yet. Will it be Adam-sized, human-sized, or somewhere in between? Will it have the mother's ability to live comfortably without eating? All of these will be deciding factors."

Adam is still considering the option of aborting the embryo. "It's like poison in my womb. It won't be satisfied until it consumes the entirety of my being."

A rape survivor anonymously chips in, "It's totally understandable if she doesn't want to have to live with that reminder of the violation. But she might have trouble finding a clinic that will perform the procedure for her."

"Rape" or not, Adam's whimsies have incited both the scientific and religious crowd.

"Our current level of technology has no hope of combining DNA as disparate as Adam's and that of a human's," says Dr. Aki Hashibara of Tokyo University. "They aren't even made of the same kind of matter, for crying out loud. But whatever Katsuragi's team did, we have a hybrid organism that seems to be growing quite healthfully inside its mother. The potential for scientific gain is boundless."

Representing the religious side, Reverend J.R. Peterson adds, "This child represents a sacred union of Man and God, a bridge between the mortal and the divine. Clearly this has all happened for a reason. The birth must be allowed to happen. It is individuals of such extraordinary origins who revolutionize human spirituality."

"The child could never live a normal life, that's a fact," says ethicist Esther Dunn. "Should we knowingly allow anyone to have to enter an existence where they are the only one of their kind, and thus belong nowhere? It almost seems too cruel."

As the debate rages, Adam has, at least, chosen to receive professional counseling. At the same time, she continues to advocate for refining the definition of "rape" to include what happened to her, as well as urging abortion clinics to expand their facilities to accommodate 40-meter-tall women so that she doesn't have to resort to "drastic measures" in the event that those opposed to the abortion do not persuade her within the next couple of weeks.

She is also currently seeking a horde of very skilled surgeons and surgical engineers. "When you're a specimen, you're not a person, you see. The expedition made some rather unpleasant modifications to me. I could just regenerate the original tissue and displace all the stuff they put there within mere seconds, but I'd feel much more satisfied if members of your species got to reverse the damage. Unfortunately, the ones responsible are currently locked up somewhere, and these implants itch like hell."

Adam can be contacted on these issues at [email protected].


UPDATE (9/20): Dr. Katsuragi stopped crying long enough to articulate the claim that "any signs of sexual arousal on my part were an inadvertent physiological response to overwhelming metabiological stimuli". Although he sounded totally serious, nobody believes him, partially because they have no idea what the hell he meant.

[Baz]

In before wtf.

[Joppu]

TL;DR

[NemZ]

Wow. You truely are demented, Reichu, but in a good way.

Misato's contribution to the interview sealed the deal... WIN.

[Sailor Star Dust]

One of the greatest things you've done. Now if you could just finish Crying Man...

[Joseph the PRPD]

[The Bastard King]

Anti-Spiral was behind God.

[BEsERk EVA01]

I really don't have much more to say....

[BobBQ]

Now if you could just start Crying Man...

Fix'd.

[BrikHaus]

Dr. Katsuragi stopped crying long enough to articulate the claim that "any signs of sexual arousal on my part were an inadvertent physiological response to overwhelming metabiological stimuli". Although he sounded totally serious, nobody believes him, partially because they have no idea what the hell he meant.

[majlund]

I think it is well-written and immensely funny.

[Synapsid]

It's everything I expected, We've definately got to see Crying Man!

UPDATE (9/20): Dr. Katsuragi stopped crying long enough... overwhelming metabiological stimuli".

Dr.K had a bad time? Oh well, that's what he gets for poking around everything, guess the physiological barriers are insurmountable in the end...

[NemZ]

Dr. Katsuragi stopped crying long enough to articulate the claim that "any signs of sexual arousal on my part were an inadvertent physiological response to overwhelming metabiological stimuli". Although he sounded totally serious, nobody believes him, partially because they have no idea what the hell he meant.

Translation: Yes I had wood, but it couldn't be helped... god is hot!

[Axell]

i'm gonna email adam and ask her what duel of the seeds was like. that better be a real email address

edit: done, i expect an answer soon

[Reichu]

Thanks for the (mostly) positive feedback, all. And now, let me put this into the correct subforum...

done, i expect an answer soon

lol, ok :3

Translation: Yes I had wood, but it couldn't be helped... god is hot!

[Synapsid]

Liliputians...Mars

Does this mean Sahaquiel was late in getting back from Mars?... And does the K stand for what I think it does?

[Axell]

so the sex was consensual and they got married secretly? Maybe this god believes in only having on partner too?

[Reichu]

Oh... I guess I didn't think that joke out very well. "K" as in "Kadmon" (as a "surname" for legal reasons), but, uh... no reason why it can't be changed later, I suppose......

Though Dr. Katsuragi might not be the best choice. Even if size were a non-issue, the multiple life sentences could pose a problem.

Does this mean Sahaquiel was late in getting back from Mars?...

In this Satire-Continuity, none of the kids ever leave the White Moon in the first place.

[CorporalChaos]

Remember, Dr. Katsuragi is the 21st Century version of Nikola Tesla, except its the S2 engine instead of death rays, and giant humanoid aliens instead of pigeons. It's all pretty much the same, though.

[Otakon 08 Ikari]

Whow, Reichu <3 Something about Adam talking seems wrong. I just pictured Adam sitting in the base chatting it up.