The many Fic links of DatDude

[DatDude]

[url]http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2326110/1/[/url]

My first ever work of fiction put out on the net. Be kind please, im still learning. Like for example did you know FFN suggest you double space stuff ? I didn't till just now . . . good thing its not that bad. :P

Edit You know I'd love some reviews people . . .

[Mr. Tines]

Edit You know I'd love some reviews people . . .

So far we have just seen stage setting, so it's premature to say how the overall exposition goes.

In terms of the writing, the style is competent, and flows smoothly, overall. It could have done a run past a human proof-reader (proper nouns not capitalised, and Moses gaining an extra "s", for example).

As a personal quirk, I like to know whenabouts in continuity a story is, but it's clear that it has to be somewhere around ep 10 (Adam has been delivered, but Misato is still captain), and whether this is in-continuity (an untold story) or deviating from.

[DatDude]

Its around Ep 10-11 after the falling angel inccdent and before they fight the acid spitting angel during the black out.

For here out things keep changing as a result of what happened.

I do have pre-reading help but they can only do so much and I ask them to let me make mistakes so I can learn to get better.

[Phaze]

I'll just give a few examples of what sort of things need improvement based on the first paragraph:

Gendo Ikari stood in an elevator on his way to the main medical wing of NERV listening as the counter ticked softly indicating his distance to his goal. A sharp stabbing sensation shot through his hand as he impulsively flexed it. Ikari’s face remained unchanged though he was certain that the creature that was now embedded in his hand squirmed under the pain. Putting the pain out if his mind Gendo began to mentally assess the day’s events to get a better grasp on the situation.

The first sentence is awkward and lacks flow. I would suggest you either break it up, add some punctuation to it, or get rid of it all together; the next sentence is a better hook anyway. The next thing to catch my attention was also a problem with flow: in the third sentence, the second "that" is superfluous and momentarily stunts the reader, things like this you should drop. Less importantly, I don't think anyone would think to themself the way you have Gendo do. You need to avoid the word "I."

Overall, this is a mere skeleton of what could be a quality piece. Remember the maxim "show, don't tell." and flesh your story out with imagery, detail and perhaps simile or metaphor, but only in the right places. On some occasions, it is better to be concise.

[DatDude]

Thank you for the words on encouragement and yes im aware of my troubles with the clumsy wording. I'm working on it, and it's in part WHY im doing this.

Thanks for the feedback. :)

[the_seventh_child]

Why does the link doesn't work for me? :cry:

[DatDude]

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/778633/

Try to cut and paste this one that normaly works for me

[DatDude]

http://www.fanfiction.net/~datdude

Chapter two finly up. :)

[DatDude]

Chapter three is up for those not following the off topic board.

[BLACKANGEL32076]

Seems like a good story so far. I have it bookmarked on my comp, so I will be keeping an eye on this. I just have a few questions:

1. Where are you going with the story?

2. This almost looks like a GendoxRei pairing, or am I just reading too much into the whole 'rejected Shinji for Rei' angle?

3. Why did you have Rei get raped? It almost seems unnecessary.

4. What is Misato-chans part in this story?

Keep up the good work bud! I what to see how this one goes.

[DatDude]

Seems like a good story so far. I have it bookmarked on my comp, so I will be keeping an eye on this. I just have a few questions:

1. Where are you going with the story?

Hopefully twords a good ending, with emotional investments paying off.

2. This almost looks like a GendoxRei pairing, or am I just reading too much into the whole 'rejected Shinji for Rei' angle?

Your reading a bit much into it.

3. Why did you have Rei get raped? It almost seems unnecessary.

I needed an event that would effect Gendo emotionaly. Rei dispite his efforts to stay detached is someone he cares about.

4. What is Misato-chans part in this story?

Lets call her St. George, and leave it at that.

Keep up the good work bud! I what to see how this one goes.

Thanks for reading I live feed back. Sorry I didnt chack this bord for so long.

[DatDude]

New chapter

[DatDude]

New chapter Review ME THE EVIL SMILE DEMANDS IT ! :twisted:

[SEELE 08]

If I had an account I would, not to mention wasn't on this lousy computer with a horrible keyboard. But the last chapter was the best yet. Poor 'ol Keel, someone needs to go to Sharper Image!

[BLACKANGEL32076]

I like where this is going. I'm interested to see how this one ends. Poor Maya though. I notice that you made straight where Anno himself supposedly said in a press confrence that she is gay. LOL about the Misato and Maya's *ahem* "rings", (Kaji you pervert). I look forward to seeing more of Misato in this, although I thought that what she did to Maya was a little OOC, (I've always seen her as the "big sister " of NERV).

[DatDude]

I like where this is going. I'm interested to see how this one ends. Poor Maya though. I notice that you made straight where Anno himself supposedly said in a press confrence that she is gay. LOL about the Misato and Maya's *ahem* "rings", (Kaji you pervert). I look forward to seeing more of Misato in this, although I thought that what she did to Maya was a little OOC, (I've always seen her as the "big sister " of NERV).

Thanks for the feedback and im glad your enjoying the ride.

I almost feel bad about Maya :twisted: but the name of the chapter is Crossing the line.

Misato is one of my favorate characters and I tend to think of her in a motherly kind of way.

I'll try not to disapoint

DD

[DatDude]

All chapters have had a grammar over haul thinks to my prereader Mr.Tines.

Thanks again Tines.

[BLACKANGEL32076]

A good fanfic that I recomend.

[DatDude]

http://www.darkscribes.org/index.php?action=4&user=83

My current fan fic work. Chapters three and four currently need an overhaul but give it a look if youve got the time

[BLACKANGEL32076]

Been keeping up with it on ff.net.







*Spoilers ahead*







Odd how you sort of make Keel the good guy here, but still very interesting.