This Spy Wears a Tuxedo [Crack Oneshot]

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This Spy Wears a Tuxedo [Crack Oneshot]

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Postby Thuktun Flishithy » Mon Oct 17, 2022 8:44 am

A/N: This was originally an omake for my Ratatouille crossover, but I think it stands on its own as a crack oneshot. Enjoy.

企鹅


TOKYO-3, LATE EVENING

The familiar sound of webbed feet slapping on hardwood flooring drew Shinji's attention away from the cookbook in his lap. Looking up, he saw Pen-Pen waddling by, a newspaper tucked under one flipper as usual. Well, as usual as could be- he'd been living here nearly a month already, but Shinji still hadn't fully adjusted to the reality of a literal penguin walking around the apartment.

Pen-Pen padded towards the direction of his freezer-turned-room, only to change course at the last minute and make for the front door. Twisting in his seat, Shinji watched as the bird tapped the latch-button with his free flipper, the door sliding open.

"Wait, where-?" Shinji began, only to be silenced when Pen-Pen looked back with what he swore was a suspicious glare.

Then he stepped outside, and the door shut behind him. Shinji blinked a few times, then slowly resumed his old position on the couch, the book forgotten.

It wasn't long after that Misato strolled into the living room from the shower, humming some tune as she adjusted the towel wrapped about her head. She seemed to notice the shaken look on his face, and stopped humming.

"What's wrong?"

"Pen-Pen, he, uh..." Shinji licked dry lips. "He just walked out the front door."

Instead of the expected reaction, however, Misato just laughed. "Oh, he does that every once in a while. Don't worry, he'll be back in a bit."

"Wait, what does he do when he's out? Where does he go?"

"Why should I pry?" Misato shrugged. "Even a penguin deserves some privacy."

企鹅


It was already dark as he made his way down the apartment steps, hopping down them one at a time. The lot was abandoned, save for Misato's shiny Alpine, and so he walked freely across the lot and towards the quieter part of down, near the abandoned apartment buildings birthed from the overzealous reconstruction of a broken world.

There was only a lone encounter on the path, an older man smoking a cigarette as he leaned against his car. He gave the penguin a furtive glance, then quickly looked away, as if trying to forget what he had just seen.

Eventually, he arrived at the rendezvous point, a gravel-lain clearing near the woods. Waddling up to the usual rock, he sat down upon it and began to read his newspaper. Aside from the constant buzzing of cicadas, there was only silence.

Right on schedule, the nondescript jalopy rolled into the clearing, gravel crunching beneath the tires. It came to a stop right behind him, engine still humming. He heard the whir of the window rolling down.

"Were you followed?"

"No, sir."

The engine turned off, and he heard a light mass jump down to the gravel, followed by two more. He turned around, folding the newspaper as he did, and faced three more penguins.

"Good work as usual, Kowalksi."

"Thank you, Skipper." He finally pulled off the fake crest from the top of his head, and shrugged off the backpack. "They have no clue."

"And let's keep it that way." Skipper pointed a flipper his way. "Kowalksi, I want an update."

'Pen-Pen' straightened, a soldier at attention. "Skipper, the Katsuragi woman leaves her work paperwork poorly guarded as usual. I've managed to read four top-secret NERV communiques this past week."

"Anything juicy, or is it more budget nonsense?"

Kowalski opened his newspaper, revealing photocopies of the communiques. "Next week, the Second Child is due to arrive in Japan. Unit-02 is coming with her. The Katsuragi woman is already preparing the paperwork to become her legal guardian.

"Then she'll be bringing her red-tinted brand of pubescent pilot pain into the household," Skipper mused. "What is the Third's status?"

"Still depressed, sir. Even my cuddly penguin act hasn't gotten him out of his shell."

"He's a useful asset to them as long as he stays like this. Utterly unacceptable." Skipper pointed to the short pudgy penguin. "Private, we might have to insert you next week, as Kowalski's long-lost brother. You will improve the mental state of all pilots, do you hear me?"

"I'll try my best, Skippah," Private replied.

"Don't try. Do." Skipper then pointed to the scarred penguin to his right. "Rico."

"Kaboom?"

"Not yet. Show Kowalski what we swiped from the Berlin MAGI."

Rico opened his beak wide, and hacked up a slimy datadisc. Kowalski grabbed it and inserted it into the secret computer he had in his fake life support pack. Connecting to the Tokyo-3 MAGI on a private tap, he quickly decrypted the data. His eyes widened.

"The Jet Alone demonstration tomorrow. They're going to sabotage it with a computer virus!"

"Good god," Skipper said. "Can you counter it?"

"Of course I can," Kowalksi replied, already writing up the code. "But I'll still need a physical delivery system."

"Oh, don't worry about that," Skipper replied. "We already found our in."

As if on cue, there was a muffled screaming from the trunk. They waddled over as a group, and Rico opened the trunk to reveal a bound and gagged NERV technician, still in uniform. His glasses were askew, but Kowalski still recognized him as the man who somehow thought bringing the Katsuragi woman's pants to the laundromat would let him get inside them.

"Skipper, this man might recognize me."

"Not to worry." Skipper looked to Hyuga. "No one will believe you about this, won't they?"

Hyuga screamed again, only to be silenced when Rico slapped him.

Kowalksi looked away, back to Skipper. "Sir, I can stop the Jet Alone from going awry, but so far our options against SEELE are still worryingly scant."

"Don't you know I always save the best for last, Kowalski? Rico, show him."

Rico gagged again, and now a solid block of orange bakelite slowly emerged from out his throat, sliding to the ground. Encased within was a spindly embryo of sorts, little more than a skeletal system with skin and eyes.

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Oh yes, Kowalksi. The shrunken seed of the Fruit of Life itself. Our ace in the hole has finally arrived. We intercepted it en route from NERV-1 in Boston."

"I was the one who pinched it!" Private said, excitedly.

"What are we going to do with it?"

"Rico will hold onto it for now, while we leverage it against our bespectacled bastard friend in the Geofront."

"I'm star'ing to get nervous abou' it, Skippa," Private said. "We're in the thick'o'it now. What if we don't succeed?"

Skipper's jovial expression became more solemn, back straightening.

"We made our oath fifteen years ago, boys. Antarctica will be avenged. And no wizened wannabe wizards, or daddy dours, or megalomaniacal mommies are going to stop us."

They hi-fived with the air of laying a loved one to rest.

企鹅


It was close to midnight when Shinji heard the front door slide open. Creeping out of his room, he saw the silhouette of Pen-Pen returning to his freezer, just as Misato said he would. Breathing a sigh of relief, he went back into his room and tried to get some sleep. Yet, try as he might, a silly thought kept nagging at him.

Was Pen-Pen's crest backwards?

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