End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby pwhodges » Sun Jun 28, 2020 3:58 am

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby IgRAzm » Sun Jun 28, 2020 2:55 pm

While I saw the topic some time ago, I didn't quite get myself together for a response, partly because I wasn't sure it would be needed by now.

I have some experience with depression, personally and in relation to a friend who had it. And I have to say, I'm not too proud of the results and lessons I've learned thus far. My own disorders are unusual, in comparison to the most people who have some form of depression. I have found what my own clash very poorly with theirs. Over the last two years, mostly alone, I had to recontextualize and reconsider my own social habits, and I'm not satisfied with what I've got to offer to the surrounding people, not at all. Many things what I've considered my stronger qualities revealed themselves to be just abnormalities in behaviour what I can't really control well. I'm not sure how to enjoy my social life in the nearby future, how to reconnect to the people who consider me their friend, or if I am to take a more pessimistic point of view - to connect with them at all, as I'm doubting if I really did that properly, thus far... A lot of the time I'm not sure if I even care, somehow I don't take anything in particular personally, and if I interact with anyone, I have to stay on guard, as my feelings may betray me at any turn. I constantly remind myself with how lucky I am to have what I have, with the people who surround me and with my perspectives. I never really talked with a psychologist, and don't know yet what I should do on that front, so I'm not diagnosed.

Anyways, I can tell what I have a long way to go yet, plus, my advises and help usually aren't reliable due to everything I've listed above.
I don't know if this would make a difference, but here is what I had found as the best ally for me. It's logic and analytical approach.
I've found Evangelion very recently, about 2 months before you did, actually. It was kinda miraculous. I was, I believe, in the perfect mindset for it, so it really helped me to identify my issues. It's because I had an opportunity to really listen my body and analyze myself for many months before, and Eva helped me to make a lot of progress.

While it's easy for me to see why many consider Eva a very subjective piece of work, one what you can't really get if you didn't experience something similar, it's different for me, as Eva was something to make my very flawed brain working. It made me look at my glaring selfish, somewhat unhealthy habits when dealing with people. It bashed my head into what I refused to see, and made me remember to keep track of what I actually am, in reality, and not in my idealistic projections of what I am. Many people have one of the main characters they relate the most to. To me, all 3 pilots have about equally important aspects what I share, yet I can see how I don't quite relate to any of them to a deeper extent, the way some people do.

Logic is something what helps me to compensate my flaws. I'm going to continue to study Eva, as well as other good pieces of writing. Thus far, I've been finding more and more things I missed and didn't quite understand about its world. But we were talking about EoE, weren't we? Well, it's probably my favourite animated movie now. I was very affected by it, both hurt and amazed, by all kinds of highs this film has. I'm sorry what it was that traumatizing to you. To me, it was the conclusion the series needed and was aiming for all along, I think. The most important part of Eva world, what culminates in EoE particularly, the one what people... Well, it's not like they miss it, rather I'd wish they kept it in their heads as a reminder more. It's about that world being very unfair. In very specific ways, you see.

You have a problem with abandonment? Well, nobody will really show to you what they want you around, as a person.
You are afraid of responsibility because you hurt someone due to your flaws before? They are gonna amp it up! You have to pilot a god. You are forced to kill your friends. Every second you aren't doing what you're told, all people risk to die. You are forced to decide the fate of the world.
You are afraid of opening up to people, for very good reasons, and need professional help? Well, you will get an Angel specifically made for you, to make your life hell.

I know, it sounds too obvious. That's why I've warned before. But I, myself, had to remind myself of that point quite some times. It's what in real life stakes aren't that high. What I learned is what it will never be as bad as it's in EoE for me. Or in any way close. Really, only dealing with people is something worth getting worried or anxious about. With all my issues, I can still make a good effect on the world.

Not much I can advice, at the end of the day. I'm rambling only because I enjoy doing it. With some guidance by the people close to me and some particularly good pieces of writing, I've realized what there's nothing wrong with a single person who can't make friends or relationships for the time being. The way I see it, if you can openly express your vulnerbilaties with improvement in mind, it means you are on a good course already. If it's okay for to me not being capable of a significant change right now, same has to be with you.

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End of Evangelion Traumatized Me (Revisited)

Postby Hopelessromantic » Sun Jul 05, 2020 2:53 pm

The first time I saw the movie End of Evangelion, I felt traumatized. The first clips of the movie I had the misfortune to come across were the hospital scene and the Third Impact. I’m still new to the whole Evangelion series, so there may be things I don’t understand. But what I do know is that after watching this movie, I honest to god wanted to kill myself. This movie made me feel past traumas of my own that made me feel absolutely empty. I couldn’t sleep for three nights and wept till my eyes hurt. At first glance, I couldn’t help but feel ashamed of my own mental illness considering how Shinji’s own triggered the apocalypse.

One of the reasons why it triggered by PTSD is because back in 10th grade, I was the target of a lot of ridicule. I, like Shinji, felt like the victim of of everyone else exerting their will over me. Because I had trouble with proper socializing, I was often labeled by the others as a retard on a consistent basis. The worst thing was, I wanted to appease everyone there because I wanted to be their friends. I didn’t care about praise, I just wanted to be accepted. Yet, I was still the outcast. I was neglected by the staff, and harassed by my peers physically and mentally so much that I wanted to drown myself in the pond. Even when I dislocated a bone in wrestling, nobody gave a crap about my injury, which made it even harder to cope. Still, I know there was much I could’ve done on my part. Even back then I knew there were moments I had done wrong as well. I thought it would get better if I took responsibility for my actions. But it didn’t. I felt like my world was ending.. After all that, I was became an emotional wreck. I was sent to a therapy program for two years, where I had learned to accept and make peace with who I am despite my mental disability. Four years later, I come across End of Evangelion, and I feel it undid all of that progress, and I’m back at square one. Moreover, I felt like this movie has dug itself into a mental scar of mine that was still healing and rubbed salt into it. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll have to endure this forever, and if I can bear it.

It’s been six months since I came across EOE. I still had a hard time trying to make peace with it. Every time it came up into my mind it took a toll on my self esteem. I have Asperger’s Syndrome, and endured mental scars like other people, and when I could relate to someone, even a fictional character as an extension of my own personality, it can affect me. Hideki Anno as most people claim made Shinji as the ultimate wish fulfillment character, who doesn’t want to be alone, and wants to be recognized as a person, and feel affection from others. I felt as if I was forced to endure the same pain, the same agony, the same breakdowns that he went through in EOE. The moral impression I received from this movie is that my mental disability/illness will spell doom to everyone and everything I love. This really hurts me, as my best friend committed suicide a few months ago, and End of Evangelion makes me feel I’m somehow responsible.


Another reason I've come to believe why I feel this way is Quarantine. It's taken a serious mental toll on me. All of my new neighbors are gone, and the people I try to socialize with are only keeping to themselves. I want to help them remove the barrier between us, but every time I feel like I have the key, the lock always changes. This gives me a feeling of hopelessness, much like Shinji. The only difference is he doesn't try, I do. And it's very very hard to just sit here and watch my world pass me with no friends close by. I don't want to live the rest of my life in isolation and in seclusion. I'm a human, I want to bond, I want to see the world, I want to do the things I love with the people I love. But I feel like can't.

These are reasons why I saw myself in Shinji, or Shinji in myself, and why I’m having a hard time letting it go. Shinji represents what I could’ve been, if things went differently for the worse, and I didn’t make the choices I did to make my life better. End of Evangelion represented Shinji to me is a distorted and twisted reflection of me. And it felt disturbing to see this distorted version of myself go down this nihilistic and self loathing path to the point of no return. The worst part is I feel this trauma taking on a life of its own, clawing at me like a demon from hell, trying to drag me down with it. People have told me that I should accept myself and move one. The trouble is, whenever I accept myself, I feel I’m accepting all of me, including my trauma. Whether I ignore the pain or acknowledge it, the outcome is always the same.

I know that Shinji isn’t real and I am. But Hideki Anno created Shinji to resonate with the audience so much he felt real. I’m having a hard time telling the difference between Shinji and myself. I wanted to forget about this memory so badly, that I sometimes thought about taking my car out onto the freeway and crashing it at 130 mph. I know I’ll probably never forget about it no matter how hard I want to, which is why I still think about suicide. No other movie has made me feel this upset, and I’ve seen other movies like A Clockwork Orange and Reqiuem for a Dream which didn’t make me as nearly as upset as End of Evangelion. And I tried searching for the internet for an answer, but all I was came across we’re articles, videos, and other media that claimed how this movie was a happy ending. I still feel it is far from it. I did my research on how everyone can come back from LCL and how Asuka caressing Shinji’s cheek means this or that, but that doesn’t bring me mental relief on how this movie placed me in Shinji’s shoes and sent me on an emotional roller coaster. I had a nightmare where I saw myself as Shinji, choking Asuks and starting the third impact. I reached out to try and stop myself only for me to wake up. I felt I was on the verge of snapping, that the veil of reality was wearing thin.

I’ve heard praises about Neon Genesis Evangelion, mostly on how it was so well written and helped cure its viewers of their depression. I’m still new to the series, so I am really confused about how some people say the same for End of Evangelion, as it did quite the opposite for me. I want to appreciate both of them as an art form, and I love old school anime, but I feel like I’m falling off the bandwagon. What offends me the most about End of Evangelion was that it seems to emphasize and glorify degradation, mental illness, nihilism, and death rather than serve it as a warning. I take personal offence in the fact that it took an entire apocalypse for Shinji to realize his self-worth. Even more offending still is the fact when all of humanity dies and turns into LCL, they can simply come back from it. To me, that makes the deaths of everyone seem meaningless. In the real world, once you die, you die. There's no coming back from it. You can't simply die and then realize your life means something. That never happens. And this yet movie takes it so lightheartedly its disturbing.

There’s this one scene I’ve heard from people where Rei says, “As long as the Sun, Moon, and Earth exist, everything will be alright.” I’ve lost count of how many times people told me everything was going to be alright when it really wasn’t, especially when I was bullied. It was then I had an epiphany. Saying everything will be okay is one of the worst lies mankind can come up with in my opinion. In my experience, saying that everything will be okay is not only obscure, but also passive-aggressive. I then turned my focus onto an old story, the Lorax. It says in the book, “Unless someone like you cares an awful lot, it’s not going to get better, it’s not.” It was then I realized, I don’t want to be the person that settles for the okay. I don’t want to be the person that simply watches the sun, moon, and earth pass by and do nothing with my life. I want to make things happen, not just to be liked or to be accepted, but because this world is too fragile, this life is too finite to simply throw away. I don’t want quarantine to dictate my life. I want to get in the robot and take control of my life.

It was then think I’ve finally found the answer.

Even as the sun, moon, and earth exist, everything will NOT be alright, because everything has its flaws, nothing is perfect, humans will fail time and again, evil will continue to exist, there will be sickness and hardships.

But does everything that matter in the world matter to me?

Will that stop me from overcoming this trauma?

No.
I am not okay, and that’s alright.

I don’t desire to settle for the okay. I want to strive for the better.

Because I care.

Because I matter to me.

And that’s the greatest thing that I can accept.

If anyone has any advice that can help me heal, I would be grateful.
Last edited by Hopelessromantic on Mon Jul 06, 2020 1:23 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me (Revisited)

Postby orcot » Sun Jul 05, 2020 4:01 pm

Well you cant please everyone in this world nor should you try to achieve this.
Try and be happy with yourself and carve out your nieche in the world as I hear people with aspergers and usually well disiplined and orderly in these hectic world they can be a anckor for many people.
To be honnest everyone is a little f*** up but usually theirs someone for all types of people.


I'm sorry you got hurt during wrestling, I hope your doing well.
If the world really brings you down try and get profesional help, those come in several forms talking abouth it and venting your frustration, and yust being orderly clean and focused can bring you a long way.

Bullies should not define your life, altough I'm having trouble imagening bullies attacking a amateur wrestler. I imagen their's people making fun of you in some way. To most I would say try and find other friends if those people lifes keep revolving around you well that's their problem. But with someone with Aspergers perhaps first try to figure out if they are bullying you, social cues and all.

Also your life will probably turn out better then those of the evangelion characters.
If this advice doesn't help you try and take out that random people will try to do good and you should try aswel, if youbelieve not all is well in the world perhaps spend some time working in something like a animal shelter, soup kitchen I also hear older people look for people to go shopping for them during the corona outbreak.

So love yourself
Adapt to your circumstances
Try and get the best out of you
try and get the best out of certain people
remember you can make mistakes and misinterper social cues
try and do something with your life

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Hopelessromantic » Mon Jul 06, 2020 12:49 am

View Original PostIgRAzm wrote:You have a problem with abandonment? Well, nobody will really show to you what they want you around, as a person.
You are afraid of responsibility because you hurt someone due to your flaws before? They are gonna amp it up! You have to pilot a god. You are forced to kill your friends. Every second you aren't doing what you're told, all people risk to die. You are forced to decide the fate of the world.
You are afraid of opening up to people, for very good reasons, and need professional help? Well, you will get an Angel specifically made for you, to make your life hell.

I know, it sounds too obvious. That's why I've warned before. But I, myself, had to remind myself of that point quite some times. It's what in real life stakes aren't that high. What I learned is what it will never be as bad as it's in EoE for me. Or in any way close. Really, only dealing with people is something worth getting worried or anxious about. With all my issues, I can still make a good effect on the world.


How is reminding myself of and unfair world supposed to make me feel better? Why point it out in the first place if all it’s going to do is make me feel needless sorrow for Shinji?
Throughout my life, I’ve tried to fit in with the norm. Now I’m embracing the fact that I am a full fledged bohemian. Who said standing out has to remain a bad thing?

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Melkor » Mon Jul 06, 2020 4:21 pm

Reading about how End of Evangelion affected you, I feel compelled to share my story as well. I'm actually one of those people whose depression was helped by watching it. The two of us share quite a bit in common actually. I too have Asperger's syndrome, and was often bullied in school because of how different I was, though mostly in middle school. This led me to become sort of a loner in high school, not really interacting with anyone and mostly keeping to myself in order to avoid being hurt. Starting near the end of 8th grade and lasting until about halfway through 10th grade, there was a point in my life where I was really depressed. As a way of escaping and bringing some amount of joy to my life, I started to watch a lot of anime, which helped to take my mind off my depression. Hearing about Neon Genesis Evangelion and how it was apparently this classic anime that often gets a lot of praise, I figured that as an anime fan I should probably watch it at least once to see what all the buzz was about.

I watched through the series while in 10th grade, and was taken aback by how a lot of the characters seemed to speak to me on a personal level and what I was going through, like how Shinji felt like nobody cared about him and how Asuka would close herself off from others in order to avoid getting hurt. On top of all that, being roughly the same age that Shinji was when I watched it, it almost felt like I was meant by fate to watch it when I did. I then watched End of Evangelion. Boy was that a depressing mind screw, and for a while after watching it I was pretty depressed like you were. Every time I would think about it it would make me feel horrible. But then, I had an epiphany that flipped my entire perspective on it. The fact that this anime was able to speak to me on such a level by showing characters who were going through the same stuff I was going through, that told me that I was not alone. It showed me that there are others who go through the same things I went through. Up until that point I had believed that I was alone in my suffering, but seeing that others commonly go through the same things as me, and finding out that even the director Hideki Anno himself was going through depression when he made End of Evangelion (NGE and EoE being his way of expressing it), it made me feel less alone. It made me feel better knowing I wasn't the only one like this, and if I wasn't the only one, then that means there's a chance that I too can one day come out of it like others have.

So keep that in mind. You are not alone. There are others out there who are like you and have gone through the same things you have, like me. I feel like Anno literally titling the first movie of the Rebuilds You are (not) Alone was his way of telling that to people like you and me. It's as the saying goes, "misery loves company". Knowing there are others likes you can help lessen the pain. After watching NGE and EoE, I then found out about the Rebuild movies and how they are supposed to be a remake of the story. At first I was hesitant to watch them, not sure if I wanted to put myself through the same thing again, but my curiosity eventually became too much. I gave them a try, watching them with the knowledge that since Anno was not depressed this time when making them, then maybe the outcome will be more positive. Despite the criticism the Rebuilds get from a lot of fans for not living up to the original, I actually kind of like them. I want to see where this new journey of Shinji will ultimately take him, and if the answer he arrives at in 3.0 + 1.0 will be different than EoE.

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby IgRAzm » Mon Jul 06, 2020 8:35 pm

View Original PostHopelessromantic wrote:How is reminding myself of and unfair world supposed to make me feel better? Why point it out in the first place if all it’s going to do is make me feel needless sorrow for Shinji?


It's a such a fundamental question. I'm reluctant to answering it, as I can only really do it head-on and my experiences are very different from yours to make it feel just. If I did, my point would be similar to the one the person above have brought up. Also, it is probably unnecessary to say, but I think what, if anything, it does tell story what is worth telling.
I feel like you slightly misunderstood me, by the way. I've meant what Eva's world is, like, the ultimate unfair one. It is designed to put it's characters in the absolute worst scenario for their minds. To see them struggle and fail, and trying to adapt - it is fascinating to me, just like with many other good pieces of fiction. It's the same rules what were used in the dramas thousands of years old. And I admit what for many reasons it doesn't hit me as hard as you.
I eman unfair not in a sense the real world is. Not like I think what it is, but honestly, to me the real world fit closer to the defenition of random, rather than unfair. To an atheist, world on it's own has no judgement: we are the ones who create it. It's ultimately more like semantics to me, but it shows how people's perspectives differ. Meanwhile, Eva definitely has judgement, even if limited to an extent. After all, it is a story about people. You know better than many what nobody is judged as harshly as Shinji is in EoE. That's what I mean, Evangelion is his personal hell, more than anyone else's. It simply is, with all it's pluses it is rare to find a world in which it's as hard to find value to continue living, as it is from his perspective.

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Hopelessromantic » Tue Jul 07, 2020 4:58 pm

View Original PostMelkor wrote:It made me feel better knowing I wasn't the only one like this, and if I wasn't the only one, then that means there's a chance that I too can one day come out of it like others have. So keep that in mind. You are not alone. There are others out there who are like you and have gone through the same things you have, like me.


Ever since I first posted how the End of Evangelion affected me, I’ve read how many people have said to me that I wasn’t the only one who felt a similar effect after viewing the film. But O cannot find solace in this aspect alone. Knowing I’m not alone is solely not enough for me to give myself the strength to change my life for the better. I want to be in control of my life. And I don’t want to come out of it like the others have, because that ultimately lead to instrumentation, where they turn into LCL, and Shinji ends up with a girl who wants to make his life a living hell. But I am also hesitant about taking control of my life, as Asuka overcame her trauma and fought the Eva series sent by Seele only to die. And if the characters of Evangelion can speak to you in such a manner well... And as I said before, you can’t die and then realize your life means something. That never happens in real life. Once you die, you die.

As I’ve said before as well, this movie triggered my PTSD, because it brought up so many negative emotions that I have not felt since 10th grade, wherein I was ridiculed on a consistent basis. What disturbs me more is that I daresay that I was Shinji in that time period. I felt socially neglected, I felt disaffection, I felt I was forced to endure needless hardships. Furthermore, I felt that much like Shinji, I was fucked up. I realized that I had also done wrong in my sophomore years. I felt like if I took responsibility for my actions things would get better. But they didn’t. I felt like my world was ending.

While End of Evangelion offered you a brighter future, End of Evangelion resurrected a demon, a trauma from my past.

How am I not alone if I am the only one I know who feels suicidal and ashamed of myself after viewing that movie? Why do I feel this trauma taking a life if it’s own, stalking and taunting me wherever I go?
Last edited by Hopelessromantic on Tue Jul 07, 2020 5:39 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Hopelessromantic » Tue Jul 07, 2020 5:14 pm

View Original PostIgRAzm wrote:I've meant what Eva's world is, like, the ultimate unfair one. It is designed to put it's characters in the absolute worst scenario for their minds. To see them struggle and fail, and trying to adapt - it is fascinating to me, just like with many other good pieces of fiction. It's the same rules what were used in the dramas thousands of years old. And I admit what for many reasons it doesn't hit me as hard as you.


For the majority of works of fiction, I have no problem with things being unfair, as hardships are a part of life. I like to see life as a balancing act, wherein it’s never perfectly balanced. Sometimes it leans in your favor, other times it doesn’t. And in some cases everything can go south. One example of this is Mark Whatney in the movie The Martian when the Hab entrance malfunctioned and his crops got exposed to the atmosphere. But that didn’t stop Mark from surviving. And his efforts, despite all the hardships paid off. Even if they haven’t paid off, I would still be happy that he made the effort.

Unlike Mark, Shinji in End of Evangelion barely does a thing to try and help himself. This aspect alone is haunting and scarring to me, as this was my predicament in 10th grade. I did nothing to help myself because I tried and failed time and again to make connections, even though I was on the Dean’s list, as if the forces of fate were working against me. I knew there was more to life than academics, but I felt that life was forever out of my grasp.
Throughout my life, I’ve tried to fit in with the norm. Now I’m embracing the fact that I am a full fledged bohemian. Who said standing out has to remain a bad thing?

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Melkor » Tue Jul 07, 2020 8:49 pm

Believe me, I understand where you're coming from, and I don't want to sound like I'm downplaying what you're going through, but if it's this bad, then maybe you should step back and take a break from Evangelion for a while? When I was depressed after first watching End of Evangelion, the thing that eventually helped me get over it, (aside from the epiphany that I mentioned earlier), was to find a bunch of different anime series to watch and get immersed in, thereby taking my mind off Evangelion. You should try finding a more light-hearted and positive anime to watch now to help get your mind off it. That's what I usually do after finishing a heavy and emotional anime, by then finding a more light-hearted and fun anime to serve as a breather to balance things out.

Maybe you just weren't mentally ready for End of Evangelion yet, because the scars of your trauma were still too fresh in your mind. I believe there actually is such a thing as watching Evangelion too young. Over the years I've noticed noticed a huge difference between the reactions of people who first watched Evangelion when they were teenagers about the same age as Shinji (like you and me) and those who first watched it when they were much older, like in their twenties. Generally, the ones who saw it younger seemed to come out of it feeling pretty depressed and would feel that way for a while after, while those who saw it older generally weren't affected as severely. Sure they might feel sad for a bit, but it would quickly pass as they moved on to the next anime. I believe there might actually be something more to this. Scientists have found evidence that the brain does not finish fully maturing until about age 25, which I think could play a huge part in this difference I've noticed.

If nothing that anyone has suggested here has worked for you so far, then the best I can suggest for you is to try and bury the memory of Evangelion by watching other stuff, and then come back to it at a later point when you feel you are ready for it. That's what I did. After watching Evangelion for the first time, I moved on to other stuff and forget about it for a few years, until I eventually got back into the series again last year, by which point I was much older and my mind had had plenty of time to process and unravel it. Watching Evangelion again now, it doesn't hurt the same way it did before. I can try suggesting you some other anime to watch. What sort of genres are you into?
Last edited by Melkor on Wed Jul 08, 2020 12:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Blockio » Tue Jul 07, 2020 9:04 pm

Yeah, I definitely agree to what Melkor is saying. It's an admirable effort that you try to face your demons head on, but for the sake of your own mental wellbeing it might just be the better idea to let it rest for a while, take your mind off it and focus on some other things that bring you joy instead of pain.

If you've given it somme time and you still find that it doesn't work, one thing that might be worth a try (but is also a bit of a gamble) is to try and turn your trauma in on itself;
Something that Eva did for me was make me understand my own AT field so to speak, the mental barriers I set up around myself; I unfortunately can't pinpoint at which point the realization hit me, but at some point, the idea behind it combined with the layered visuals AT fields have in the movies snapped together and made me realize, that once you understand that, you can weaponize it, deliberately take control of these barriers and consciously filter through what you let get to you and what you don't.

It takes a bit of experimenting to find which way works best for you, but with that, you can control how much certain things will affect you. Not in the sense that you try to suppress the memory; everything is still there, you'll just treat it as an onlooker, something that happened to someone that isn't you; if you do it thoroughly enough, you can even filter through the individual memories and only let the ones that make you feel good affect you.

Apologies if that was a tad confusing, it's something that's not exactly easy to put into words
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Hopelessromantic » Wed Jul 08, 2020 2:39 am

View Original PostMelkor wrote:That's what I usually do after finishing a heavy and emotional anime, by then finding a more light-hearted and fun anime to serve as a breather to balance things out.

Maybe you just weren't mentally ready for End of Evangelion yet, because the scars of your trauma were still too fresh in your mind. I believe there actually is such a thing as watching Evangelion too young. Over the years I've noticed noticed a huge difference between the reactions of people who first watched Evangelion when they were teenagers about the same age as Shinji (like you and me) and those who first watched it when they were much older, like in their twenties. Generally, the ones who saw it younger seemed to come out of it feeling pretty depressed and would feel that way for a while after, while those who saw it older generally weren't affected as severely.


I’m usually picky when it comes to anime and Manga, because I see myself as a person of refined culture. I’m not into cliche animes that have shallow characters, girls with the same overused acts, and a copy n paste plot to boot. I’m like shows that go the extra mile, that have intelligent writing, likable characters, and attention to detail like Cowboy Bebop and Rurouni Kenshin.

I think you’re right. Maybe the scars of my trauma were still too fresh in my mind. Usually, when somebody touches a nerve or two, I generally take the time to calm myself through whatever hobbies our outlets I have. End of Evangelion seemed to touch every nerve, every scar simultaneously. In my personal opinion, they should’ve rated End of Evangelion NC-17 instead of having it “Not rated”. It doesn’t help the fact that it was once rated TV-14 here in the USA. In my personal opinion, there should be mental health warnings on some movies.

You theorize that people who are older aren’t affected as much by End of Evangelion in comparison with teenagers. I would like to announce this doesn’t apply to me, as I’ve gone through my trauma approximately five years ago before I came across End of Evangelion at age 21. I confess I am afraid to bury it in fear it will only fester.
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby pwhodges » Wed Jul 08, 2020 6:32 am

View Original PostHopelessromantic wrote:You theorize that people who are older aren’t affected as much by End of Evangelion in comparison with teenagers. I would like to announce this doesn’t apply to me, as I’ve gone through my trauma approximately five years ago before I came across End of Evangelion at age 21. I confess I am afraid to bury it in fear it will only fester.

"Older" is relative... I first saw Death and End of Evangelion (before I saw the show, in fact) at the age of 60, and anything in my mind which might have been triggered by it in my teens was certainly fully cauterised by then.
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Hopelessromantic » Wed Jul 08, 2020 3:52 pm

View Original PostBlockio wrote:Something that Eva did for me was make me understand my own AT field so to speak, the mental barriers I set up around myself; I unfortunately can't pinpoint at which point the realization hit me, but at some point, the idea behind it combined with the layered visuals AT fields have in the movies snapped together and made me realize, that once you understand that, you can weaponize it, deliberately take control of these barriers and consciously filter through what you let get to you and what you don't.

It takes a bit of experimenting to find which way works best for you, but with that, you can control how much certain things will affect you. Not in the sense that you try to suppress the memory; everything is still there, you'll just treat it as an onlooker, something that happened to someone that isn't you; if you do it thoroughly enough, you can even filter through the individual memories and only let the ones that make you feel good affect you.

Apologies if that was a tad confusing, it's something that's not exactly easy to put into words


I’ve already learned how and when to make myself feel vulnerable and open to others. To this day I am still trying to figure out how to turn my trauma in on myself. I find it really hard to do so, especially since this movie triggered my PTSD by bringing up every past emotion imaginable. Harder still is it to cope given the emphasis that this movie, End of Evangelion, seems to manifest as my past traumas.

To put it into perspective, try to imagine my PTSD as a body. My traumas from my sophomore year lay dormant and peaceful for years. As soon as I saw End of Evangelion, it felt like Frankenstein brought the body back to life, with EoE as the tigger, the power used to resurrect this demon of mine
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Hopelessromantic » Wed Jul 08, 2020 4:24 pm

View Original PostBlockio wrote:Yeah, I definitely agree to what Melkor is saying. It's an admirable effort that you try to face your demons head on, but for the sake of your own mental wellbeing it might just be the better idea to let it rest for a while, take your mind off it and focus on some other things that bring you joy instead of pain.


I have done many things to try and take my mind off of End of Evangelion. Bike riding, swimming, reading, exercising. But I am being serious when I say I feel this trauma taking on a life of its own, manifesting itself as Shinji, Asuka, or Rei. I can still hear them in the back of my mind, stalking me wherever I go. “You are me. And I am you.” Shinji says. “You should be ashamed for who you are you retard.” Asuka says. “Your mental illness will destroy your world.” Rei says.
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Melkor » Wed Jul 08, 2020 4:44 pm

View Original PostHopelessromantic wrote:I’m usually picky when it comes to anime and Manga, because I see myself as a person of refined culture. I’m not into cliche animes that have shallow characters, girls with the same overused acts, and a copy n paste plot to boot. I’m like shows that go the extra mile, that have intelligent writing, likable characters, and attention to detail like Cowboy Bebop and Rurouni Kenshin.


Don't know how many of these you've seen, but one of my all time favorites I would definitely recommend is Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. There are two Full Metal Alchemist anime, the original, and Brotherhood which is a more faithful adaptation of the manga. Brotherhood has one of the most tightly written stories I've ever seen.

If you haven't seen them already, there's also Death Note and Code Geass, two highly regarded anime, though they might be a little heavy for you right now after having just watched End of Evangelion, so maybe save them for a later time.

There's also the 2011 Hunter x Hunter anime, which like Brotherhood is a remake that adapts more of the manga. While Hunter x Hunter is a shonen, it's very different from a typical shonen. The writing is top notch. It starts out as fun light-hearted adventures, but then gradually gets darker, but not too dark. Later arcs get kind of deep and explore some philosophical themes. You might also like Yu Yu Hakusho, another manga by the same author, which is also a shonen that gets pretty dark. At times they almost feel like seinen.

Speaking of seinen, a pretty big one is Jojo's Bizarre adventure. Part 3 is where things really pick up. The first three parts are all part of one over arching story, so I wouldn't skip Part 1 and 2. Part 1 and 2 are pretty different from the rest of the series, but they are shortest ones too. What I love about Jojo is that a lot of the fights are not just the characters throwing energy attacks at each other. The characters have varied abilities and often rely of strategy to beat their opponents. The humor is pretty good too. It has so many meme worthy moments.

Another series with both humor and action I would recommend is One Punch Man. It's sort of like a deconstruction of the shonen genre as a whole. It basically asks the question, what would happen if the hero became too strong? The main character is basically a hero for fun that is bored because he has become so strong to the point that he defeats every opponent he faces with one punch. Also by the same creator is Mob Psycho 100, which is about a kid named Mob in middle school with insane psychic powers, but he wants to live a life without having to rely on them. Mob being this awkward kid in middle school, I found myself relating to him and his struggles a lot due to how much it reminded me of me when I was in middle school.

The best anime to start off with right after End of Evangelion would probably be something that's the complete opposite of it, like a feelgood slice of life anime. I can't think of very many slice of life anime since I haven't watched that many, but a recent one is called Kaguya-sama Love is War. It's about these two students in school who are in love with each other, but neither one wants to outright admit it, so they play all kinds of crazy mind games with each other to see if they can get the other to confess and admit their feelings. It doesn't just have the characters go in circles either. The anime hasn't gotten to that point yet, but the relationships actually go somewhere in the manga, which we will probably see in season three when it comes out.

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Shun » Thu Jul 09, 2020 8:44 am

Evangelion, especially EoE, hurts a lot if you feel like one of the characters. As help you, I can try to tell you somethings. But, I'm not really a good example.

Evangelion, from drama to answers, are the result of Anno's thoughts and experiences. If you don't find answers or help in Evangelion, you consider that the answers may not be there, or if there are they may not be sufficient or suitable for you. Even if you feel similar to Shinji, you, Shinji and Anno are different people, with a different personal story, with a different family, with a different mind, etc. so try to broaden your horizons before returning to Evangelion.
How?
There are three main macro areas you could work on:
* the personal and relational psychological area: it includes your psychological abilities, for example the way you think, the way you speak, the emotions, the defense mechanisms that are activated autonomously and unconsciously to defend you, but also your ability to be empathetic , to worry and be interested in others, to be present, participatory, assertive, proactive, and with abnegation skills.
* the area of ​​personal and relationship skills: includes theoretical and practical skills, such as school, university, work and driving license, hobbies, interests and passions, such as reading, cinema, cooking, museums and sports, then skills in dialogue (listening, asking questions, exchanging opinions) and skills in joking and playing, not taking things too seriously, understanding that things are not white or black but there are many intermediate colors. Look for something you like, that you think is important, and that you think you can do. For example if you think ecology and nature are important, try doing something in this area.
* the third area is the narration in the social environment with other people: family and friends. By "narration" I mean feeling inside the story of what you live, you don't have to be an observer in an opaque bubble, but you have to feel actively involved in what you live here and now.

It's not simple, and I honestly don't know how a person with Asperger syndrome feels, so I don't know if this can help you, but if you can't do it yourself, maybe ask for help from a cognitive behavioral psychological therapist.

Finally something you could read / watch:
* The statements of the authors who made Evangelion:
https://www.gwern.net/otaku

https://17th-angel.tumblr.com/post/6276 ... think-that

https://www.gwern.net/docs/eva/1996-new ... -interview

https://www.gwern.net/docs/eva/1997-ani ... ew-english

* The manga Insufficient Direction by Moyoco Anno (Hideaki Anno's wife since 2002): https://www.amazon.com/Insufficient-Dir ... &keywords= + insufficient direction & qid = 1594298895 & sprefix = + insufficient to say & sr = 8-1
so you see how Anno behaves in daily life (even if it is a bit extreme to make laugh) and above all you can read a very interesting consideration by Anno in the end.

* Some books: Neverending Story and Momo by Michael Ende, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Heart by Edmondo de Amicis, Boy by Roald Dahl.

* Isao Takahata's Ghibli films: Grave of the Fireflies (1988), The Tale of the Princess Kaguya (2013), Pom Poko (1994), Only Yesterday (1991), My Neighbors the Yamadas (1999). I advise you to look at them in this order.

I love these things very much, so I thought I'd recommend them.

Stoicism and Epicurus' philosophy could help you. You don't have to be perfect, nor the outside world has to be perfect, but you have to try to learn to live. Take care of yourself (psychological area + skill area) and take care of the "garden" around yourself, with the people you love (social narrative area). Slowly you could discover and learn new things.

As St. Francis said: Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

Or, Hemingway: Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with that there is.

And in the end: You must become the change you wish to see in the world. (Gandhi)

Good luck!
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Hopelessromantic » Thu Jul 09, 2020 1:11 pm

View Original PostShun wrote:Evangelion, especially EoE, hurts a lot if you feel like one of the characters. As help you, I can try to tell you somethings. But, I'm not really a good example.

Evangelion, from drama to answers, are the result of Anno's thoughts and experiences. If you don't find answers or help in Evangelion, you consider that the answers may not be there, or if there are they may not be sufficient or suitable for you. Even if you feel similar to Shinji, you, Shinji and Anno are different people, with a different personal story, with a different family, with a different mind, etc. so try to broaden your horizons before returning to Evangelion.


I appreciate the advice, and I have actually seen The Tale of The Princess Kaguya, which while has a sad ending, is also very powerful, and thought provoking. The only difference between that and End of Evangelion, is that EOE triggered my PTSD.

As I’ve said before, I’m new to the series. Only seen clips of it. So I went headfirst into End of Evangelion with little knowledge of the series save the fact I knew the synopsis.

I understand how Shinji and I are different, I am real, he is fiction. Works of fiction however can be inspired from real life. It’s not so much I saw myself in him, more than I saw my past self in him, a past self that pains me to think about. EOE to me is a manifestation of all the painful experiences I went through during my sophomore year.

People have said to be that I should put Evangelion to rest. Believe me, I want to. But I feel like I need to be at peace with End of Evangelion before I lay it to rest, and in order for me to be at peace with it, I feel I need to dig deeper and understand how it got under my skin.

But most of all, I feel like watching End of Evangelion was a mistake, a mistake that I’m trying to forgive myself for. Nonetheless, I feel annoyed that I came across a workpiece that was bound to trigger all of my PTSD.

Deep down, I feel like Hideki Anno has all the answers, being the one who made the movie after angry fans made him an emotional wreck again. I wonder if it would be worth trying to contact him or not. My logic says to me it would probably be a waste of time, but my emotions say otherwise.

I had another nightmare last night where I was starting the Third Impact.
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby pwhodges » Thu Jul 09, 2020 1:48 pm

You can get a lot more of Anno's thoughts by watching the series. Remember that it also has an ending, which you might find easier to handle than EoE. Although there are arguments to this day whether the series ending and the EoE ending are different or two views of the same, this might be the best way for you to put EoE into perspective.
Last edited by pwhodges on Fri Jul 10, 2020 6:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

Postby Shun » Thu Jul 09, 2020 3:40 pm

If you haven't seen the 26 episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion I recommend you to watch them absolutely, some are very funny, and I think they will help you a lot. You will get to know the characters, their strengths, their flaws, their difficulties, and in the final (in my opinion wonderful) you will find some Anno's answers expressed in a clearer and more optimistic way. The difference between NGE ending and EoE ending isn't in the meaning, but in the time and effort required to learn to live. If you interpret them in this way you will see that the two endings are complementary and therefore both important, as well as yin and yang are both necessary for the Tao.

In any case, my previous comment is summarized in three points:
* Take care about 3 areas (psychological, skills, social)
* Read the interviews on Evangelion that are on Gwern site, will help you to understand Evangelion (both for the ideas and for the considerations of Anno & Gainax) and in this way you will avoid brooding alone subjectively.
* If you like, read and see other things that I have recommended.

Good luck!
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