[Fic][Comedy] You must (not) read further

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[Fic][Comedy] You must (not) read further

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Postby Derantor » Sun Oct 20, 2019 1:27 pm


I recently red the fan-fic ideas topic, and as I was just writing the millionth pointless EoE Asuka/Shinji continuation fic for my own pleasure, I thought I take a stab at writing some comedy to offset all the inevitable drama that ensued. I thought I should post here first, since I've got no clue if my writing is any good or funny (well, I laughed) or if it has been done to death already.

So, enjoy, I'd very much appreciate feedback and criticism, since english isn't my first language.

You must (not) read further, or: A Tale of Gore and Lemon  SPOILER: Show
You must (not) read further, or: A Tale of Gore and Lemon

Asuka said: „Shinji, I am pregnant!“
Shinji looked shocked. He couldn't believe what he had just heard, and said: „Asuka, I just can't believe, what I have just hurt!“
(AN: Shut the fuck up, I found the mistake funny, so it stays! Because it sounds the same, geddit? And leave me good reviews, or I will not release the next chapter!)
Asuka broke down in tears: „But it is true Baka-Shinji!“
Rei appeared in the hallway, and looked emotionless. Without emotion, she said: „So, you are having offspring? I don't know what to do in a situation like this.“ She paused emotionless. But then she frowned: „Shinji, I think that I am pregnant too!“
Shinji looked very shook. He said: „But, Rei, it was only that one time! It can't be true!“ Shinji paused. Shinji said: „No, I know it can't be true – because I can't have children at all!“
Asuka stopped crying, and forgot that he had betrayed her with Rei. She said: „What, because you are such a whimp, Baka-Shinji?“
Shinji looked very sad: „No it is because of the Curse of the Eva. It means that I can not have children.“
Suddenly, Rei and Asuka looked at Shinji with lustful eyes: „Does that mean that we can do it as often as we like?“
Shinji looked intimidated: „I – I guess?“ he stammered.
Asuka and Rei looked at each other. They had lust in their eyes. Then they looked back at Shinji.
„Here I go!“, said Asuka and took off her shirt. Shinji looked at her breasts, they were very round with perfect little pink nipples. Shinji had never seen anything so beautiful.
„Then I will go as well.“ said Rei very emotionless. She always did what she thought others wanted her to do. Her breast were also very nice. They had pink nipples.
Asuka and Rei came towards Shinji, and pulled down his pants. And then they started to suck -

„Stop!“ Asuka was fuming. Shinji thought he could see literal steam being exhausted from her nostrils - and did her eyes always have that red glow emanating from them? They stood at the Operations Level of the NERV-HQ „bridge“, with Fuyutsuki looking down on them from his usual, elevated position. They had gathered to examine the fruits of NERVs latest public relations offensive: after the frequent angel attacks of the last months, somebody higher up – and it must have been someone extremely high up, as Gendo had accepted the proposal – suggested that NERV should use its pilots to gather public support to increase funding. And thus, the three had to go through countless interviews, appeared in talk-shows, had their (albeit doctored) life-stories drawn up – they were turned into idols. Asuka had embraced the idea wholeheartedly, Shinji was scared, and Rei was – as always – indifferent.

In hindsight, it was no surprise that the trio gathered a substantial following. They were the talk of the day, everybody wanted to get to know the people inside the robots. The level of admiration reached was quite extraordinary. But that wasn't known to our poor friends as they sat down to read the first batch of fan-mail - minutely gathered up, sorted, registered, stamped and finally delivered, with the unparalleled attention to detail that NERV was capable of. Section Two had surpassed itself – much to the chagrin of Section One, which saw itself slipping further and further from relevance even though it was the first, god damnit!

Gendo had demanded that the kids and the bridge crew, who had their own, smaller press releases earlier this week, study their public image with great care, and adjust their behaviour in public to guarantee a succesfull campaign. He left the execution to Fuyutsuki, though, who asked himself if Gendo took pleasure in torturing him, or if this was his twisted way of expressing his feelings of trust towards him. Whatever the case, he dutyfully carried out this duty, as his duty demanded.

Shinji had gotten the task of reading the mail out loud, and Maya had chosen the box labeled „Stories“. After all, what harm could be done by the nice, gentle imagination of children and adolescents writing about their heros?

„I refuse to listen to this perversion any longer! I refuse to be degraded in this way!“ Asukas voice turned from angry harpy to whining cat in the span of her sentences.
„This is horrible!“, whispered Maya with utter disbelief.
„It is not entirely outlandish for boys at that age.“, explained an unfazed Ritsuko.
Misato just shuckled, earning the angry glare of a few of the participants.
„Well, it was just getting interesting, to be honest“, mused the always care-free Kaji, which drew the ire away from Misato, only to focus it onto him with doubled intensity.
„Uhm ...“, stammered Shinji, who couldn't keep himself from blushing: „Maybe I should pick a different story?“
„Yes, of course you should, stupid idiot!“
„Ah – ok! This looks nice: „My Story about the Evangelions“!“

Hinata was only 14, but she was very mature for her age. She had to be, as her mother had died in a terrible accident when she was young. But that had only made her stronger! She came from Austria, and had long red Hair …

„Wait, what is this? This girl is describing me! She just swapped Germany for Austria!“
„Just let Shinji read a little further, ok?“
„Ugh, fine, but I will choose the next one, Misato!“

… Hair, which she wore in a ponytail. She was very excited when she arrived at the Geofront – now she could finally prove to the world that she was the best! When she arrived at the NERV base she was greeted by a shy handsome boy named Shinji ...

„Thats more like it! Except the handsome part!“
„Stop being so mean to me, Asuka!“

… a handsome boy named Shinji. Behind him stood Gendo, Shinjis father. He was a very tall and mysterious man, and Hinata wished that she had a strong father like that …

„Shinji, why are you cringing?“ Aoba shot Shinji a curious glance.
„N-nothing, I will read on now!“

„Hello Hinata“, said Gendo with a strong voice: „This is my son Shinji. I need you to pilot the Eva with him.“ Hinata didn't know what to say – she was so happy, but also scared, because she didn't know if she was up to it. But she would do her best nonetheless! Suddenly, an alarm rang. „It's an Angel!“, screamed Shinji, but Gendo kept his cool: „Don't worry, we will defeat them! NERV will protect mankind! Schnell, follow me, Hinata, we need to get to the Evangelions!“

„Mein Gott, did she really make him say schnell? Why would he use random German words like that? … Shut up! It's different for me!“

They arrived at the launchpad, where two Evangelions waited. One was purple and green, and the other was colored a bright pink.

„Oh come on now! Who would color an Evangelion pink?“
„I like pink! It makes them look cute, don't you think?“ Maya tossed a warm smile towards Asuka, which glanced right off of her stone cold expression and careened into the ceiling.

~ o ~

Gendos lift arrived, but he stopped it before fully emerging from the elevator shaft. Fuyutsuki acknowledged his presence, then shook his head. „It doesn't look like they are handling it well. I wonder if we have pushed them too far. Do we really have to subject them to this kind of punishment?“
Gendo wasn't phased at all. „It won't be a problem. I'll leave the rest to you, Fuyutsuki.“ Engaging the lift controls, he disappeared in the bowels of the bridge structure.

~ o ~

Meanwhile, the reading had progressed at a decent pace, after Misato ordered Asuka to interject less often. The story had wound its way through all kinds of absurd situations, which all got resolved in the end when Hinata managed to discover some formerly unknown hidden potential. Then it all took a turn for the worse.

Hinata sat quietly in Mayas chair on the bridge. She had offered her to help detect the presence of the angels, and Maya was happy, because Hinata was so good at it. „You do it like you trained for years!“ Hinata was surprised, but also happy, when she replied: „Oh, thank you so much! I- I never thought I could do it!“

Then Aoba came in. He was a tall, handsome man, who always played air-guitar, even as he walked towards his seat. Shortly behind him came his one true love: Hyuga.

„What!?“ Hyuga, only listening with one ear before the last sentence was uttered by an increasingly disturbed Shinji, popped from his seat, utter horror on his face.
„Don't tell me – you didn't know?“ A look of despair krept over Aoba's face.
Hyuga didn't catch his wit: „No! No, I … I don't – I am sorry! I just don't swing that way!“
Briskly walking towards Hyuga, Kaji brought his face close to his: „You know, there is nothing wrong with admitting your feelings.“
He smiled and Hyuga watched in horror as Kajis Lips threatened to touch his. He squeeked the most girlish scream heard so far in HQ, and the whole floor erupted in laughter, as Kaji missed his face and contorted into a triumphant pose, shaking his fist in a display of happiness, as he had, once again, subverted expectations.
„Ah, should I … must I … do I have to read on?“ Shinji's arms hung limply by his side, his laughter had not helped his anxiety beyond a brief respite.
„Like hell you will!“ Asuka grabbed the pages, crumpled them together and threw them over the railing. A faint: „What the hell?“ could be heard from beyond, as it hit somebodies coffee mug below, spilling the contents and causing a short circuit in an unsuspecting keyboard, which didn't even have time to come to terms with its sudden demise before its world went dark forever.
„I will do it! And I will pick the story!“ Asuka stomped over to the box, grabbed a pile of folders, and started throwing those on the ground that she deemed unfit by their title alone. „Hah! This will do!“, she exclaimed triumphantly when she had found something titled „Hell's Gate“, opened the folder and started to read.

In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war. The war against the angels. Countless times had Shinji stood against those hellish fiends, and his muscular body was scarred by countless wounds, acquired in desperate but honorable combat.

„Hear that Shinji? I need somebody like that, not the whimpy loser that you are!“
„It's not like I am not trying, Asuka!“
„Hah! Whatever, Idiot, lets see where this is going.“

Shinji fulfilled the wish of his emperor, the Emperor of Mankind: Gendo Ikari, the most powerful being in the warp. His duty to the emperor determined every aspect of his life, an immutable directive planted directly into his brain through the harsh training to become an Eva Marine.

„I do not understand what „warp“ means, but I understand the concept of duty. Hearing Commander Ikari praised gives me a … good feeling. It seems to originate in my lower -“
„Shut it, Rei, I am reading here!“

Beside him stood Asuka, a red devil incarnate, a fury beyond measure, untameable, indomitable, inflexible, invincible!

„Those are all war ship names, you know?“
„Yeah, those were old british battlecruiser, back in the first world war.“
„They named a ship Untameable?“
„No no, the last three. That's why they where called the I-Class, a brainchild of Admiral Fisher, who - Woah, Asuka, for a moment there my heart stopped. Watch where you are pointing that stare! ... Alright, I will shut up now.“
The story went on for a bit, and had quite an exciting battle sequence in store for the audience, which then came to a crushing conclusion:

The angel had pierced Asukas helmet, its phallic lance pushing through her eye, and out through the back of her skull. Bits of brain and bone splattered the inside of her powerd Eva armor, but she still stood strong, held together by willpower alone. „I will not die! I will kill you!“, she screamed at her attacker, raising her arm towards his glowing core. She forced herself forward, pushing beyond the pain, the doubts, the horror, until nothing but pure, unadulterated rage remained. Shinji tried to reach her, but another vile demon had appeared from the warp, and was in the process of crushing his leg in his abysmal mouth. Asuka tried to reach for her chainsword, as the angel grew another set of lances. He hurled them at her, piercing her stomach, her chest, her legs. She grabbed her guts in an effort to hold them in, a foul stench engulfing her, but it was too late: The Angel pounced on her, sunk his claws into her armor, and with a horrid crack her spinal collum was ripped from her back, paralyzing her. No amount of willpower could save her now.

Asuka stopped, flipped forward a few pages, and shook her head: „As if I'd ever let myself get beaten by some weak angel like that. Looks like I died in that story, and next up are three pages of technical details with no story whatsoever. Which kind of pervert likes such pointless violence anyway? And whats with all the sexual imagery? I think we are done with this one.“
Misato agreed – there was enough darkness in the real world already, no need to add to it in fiction. „All right, I think we call it quits for today, do you agree, Deputy Commander?“ She looked up to Fuyutsuki, who nodded in her direction.

Gendos head appeard behind him, rising halfway above the ground, his index finger holding his dark glasses in place. He seemed somewhat puzzled for a split second, but immediately regained his stoic composure. Reversing the the lift, he disappeared once more.
„Is that what you wished for, Yui?“ Kozo's softly spoken question went unanswered, and he wondered just what on earth Gendo was doing down there all day long. Some day, he too had to try to ride that lift.

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