My innermost apocalypse A personal exploration of hatred and how it could relate to Evangelion

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My innermost apocalypse A personal exploration of hatred and how it could relate to Evangelion

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Postby DeathIsPeace » Mon Mar 04, 2019 6:02 am

-3250 words total not including this sentence so yeah haha
-If you read to the end something may make sense so be aware of that before dissecting the piece if you chose to that is
-This is going to be a long read so not surprised if people don't read it at all, I probably wouldn't
-Only slightly edited other wise they are the thoughts as they came to me
- My written words here may sound like nonsense but hey i tried
- Written while sober although now I've got some vodka I highly recommend lime vodka by Absolut it's got good kick and great taste, beer is inferior (Sorry Misato)
-Also my first time here posting anyway so feel free to move this to somewhere else if it doesn't belong here
-Pasting this on other forums as well so you might see this elsewhere as well
-Contradictions and nonsense probably will be present I want to write word for word how it popped into my brain some editing has occurred but for the most part it's just the raw script
-Questions are at the very bottom and Somewhat relate to the whole tirade below although If you can just answer the questions that's fine as well

So me and hatred

How do I describe something like hatred, I guess I'd say it's an intense feeling of emotion that rivals that of love.
Whats my personal relationship with it? I'd say I somewhat like it, sometimes it can be a really good feeling despite being painful almost always, sometimes it's good, others not so much, the good hatred is of things I love and the pure hatred is things I always have and will despise

For example rape is pure hatred. something I'd never stoop to and never approve of no matter how much I've lost myself as for hatred spawned from something good? I'd say women fit perfectly as well as an enforced idea of humanity as well.

I hate women more than I will ever be able to put into words but I love them more than I can ever express in words as well (Sounding a bit incel maybe, but from what I understand of incel it's not that so bear with me) I believe it's the exact same for everyone who has an interest in love and relationships, the group of people you're attracted too will always be something you hate and love no matter who you are, maybe we love because we hate and hate because we love I don't know

There are aspects to being human which make the concept very unappealing, specifics? Well for one thing you dont really get a choice in having children (If you dont millions of years of your blood line will come down to nothing as it all ends) or ever pursuing your sexual desires, your forced into these things by love which is constructed as a millions of years old mental and biological system in which you propagate the species, nature makes us love to encourage us and push us into it, i mean if love didnt exist lets be honest would anyone care about being with others and creating new life? Nature gives us incentives to fall in love but thats the thing we arent truly acting out of free will because if we dont take the incentives we are made to suffer, were still behaving largely on biological and mental rules set by nature, loving is not a choice but a necessity whether you like it or not if you dont participate your humanity can be stripped of you, if you dont love you cant have empathy no empathy means no care and no care is not how a human being operates, making empathy a core part of humanity makes being human without it impossible were aware of what "we" want but some things "we" want are those key components of nature acting of their own volition in an attempt to convince us we want it as thats what nature wants to make you want it

if you remove love from humanity can it really be humanity anymore? according to Mazlow and psychologists its imperative that humans love, but why cant i create my own idea of humanity, make my own rules and live by them not be forced to do as a higher power like nature commands, making decisions based purely on myself and my wants

Better to have loved and lost. these days you have more to lose than love, you can lose safety, stability, your views will be impacted whether you want them to or not, you can lose money from your own hard work as someone else can take it from you despite not earning it, these days love will cost you a lot more than just love itself, some people would say there's just as much to gain if not more, the thing I believe most people dont think about is the inevitability of failure and where they are in this chain success can only exist as long as failure exists its guaranteed that a lot of the people who try will fail, its playing the odds seeing how screwed youll get and you get told to keep trying because everyone wants the pool to be bigger as it may help their own favor, basically one persons suffering is another persons success in a way

Everyone tells you o try even though failure is inevitable fir those that try, there'll always be winners and losers and those people that encourage trying knowing that a good chunk of the triers are screwed

Again while some may just lose someone important in their life there are those who lose so much more as that is the nature of things trying will always cause suffering but some peoples trials will cause more suffering that others, yet when someone fights valiantly against the inevitabilitys of human nature in an effort to make their own humanity they are almost guaranteed to lose.

I've not the strength for love nor for the denial of it, im stuck in a crossroads perpetually changing my stance often. I want to show people the sadness of no love is something worth suffering through just as much as the sadness of loving, I want people to make their own humanity even if no one understands each other ever again, I want complete freedom the kind of freedom that destroys entire worlds and brings people to the edge of their own oblivion of their making not something enforced by nature, nature lies to is to convince us of what we want but we are far past taking commands from nature, we've done a lot of things that go against nature and yet we appear to have deemed love as something needed and worth keeping nature is fine with that as its all according to plan, maybe one day when the need for people to be together to create life is obsolete we may finally live in a world devoid of love and men and women in particular will distance from each other, some people will probably genuinely want love thats fine let them have it and let people like me have our rejection of it as our humanity why do people love helping others? probably because of the concept of empathy thats why some people probably dont want to give up these things and enjoy their destruction, maybe for those people its a crutch they use to keep themselves hopeful "If i can give hope to someone i can create my own hope for myself"

They want your happy end because they crave their own, their hope keeps them going and giving another hope is creating more hope thats why people like me are anathema to these individuals we dont ask for hope we ask for revolt for our own path no matter what and maybe in time if enough people choose this path everyone else will come around to it and live the idea and go with this new interpretation of humanity the humanity without love perhaps thats just me wanting to suffer perhaps its expressing this other side to my desire for love the desire of no love at all

I both want love and hate it and others with a passion, i want my hate and sorrow to resonate with others and cripple their hearts and hope, a very horrible thing to wish on people but this side of me always exists even when im at my most hopeful I still have this craving for destruction i want people to look at my sadness and see my laughing face of tears as i embrace this style of life and stand opposed to theirs by my mere existence that consistent temptation of the end, i want to permeate it as an aura and i want people to know of mine and perhaps even create their own, love is a key human trait but unfortunately some of us just arent cut out for it yet were forced to yearn for it by nature perhaps even by the aura of others, i want to create a counter aura strong enough to shake the foundations of what people hold dear and believe, I want to destroy them all like i want to destroy myself and i want the pain of all this loss to weigh down and cripple them, whats so bad about wanting suffering, but dont i avoid love because of suffering? Theres a difference between suffering you choose and suffering your thrown into, the one you choose will always be more comfortable at least i think so

I want to prove my point to as much people as possible i want to find that person that would never give up on me just so i could take their life of trying and show them even they will break and run away, i will show them the power of their love for love itself versus the power of my love for destruction they will lose and hope will never win

I want that person thats just perfect for me in the way that perfection to me is as close as possible to perfect not perfect itself, i want to be dragged along by them and know they care about me just so i could show them the futility and possibly drag them down with me

The drowning man will always want to take someone with him

I dont remember where i heard that quote but it seems to fit with me just fine, i want to be the grim reminder that hope is futile, i want them to see the truth that their suffering can get them and i will show them through myself whats lurking just around the corner, i want them to know of how pathetic it is to live by the humanity they're given as opposed to one they create I would show them that my humanity is present and its an option and that they can also create their own

I want to revolt against empathy, against nature i want to create my own humanity without empathy but only should someone choose to lack it, being forced into something is never a good thing but when you know all the stakes and choose then you are truly free, i doubt the idea of destruction would carry a lot of people to my side but those of us that choose it, will show ourselves to the others and we'll hang over their shoulders like a dark rotten feeling tempting them into oblivion a grim reminder of the destruction i think we all crave somewhere deep down, something that shatters the idea of hope

Hope exists but so does death and just like anything hope can also die

Basically fuck humanity and make your own of course theres a side of love and hope to me as well but which one will win i wonder, winning may not be possible at all

How does this tirade relate to Evangelion? Well to the 0 people that made it this far (seriously though I really dont expect anyone to make it here, except for me, hi me)

I am wondering what people think about all this i wrote and well im recently re watching Evangelion and watching the rebuilds for the first time so maybe thats what spurred this tirade on, thinking about humanity, the self, etc.

I've got some Evangelion themed questions as well down here I'd like to see some answers/discussion about

I root for Shinji and Asuka to be together, well it's like this, Asuka cares about Shinji I believe when she goes down to the interrogation room its not just to act pissy and relieve her bottled up feelings but also because she wants to see him again she doesn't want to be without him whether she knows it or not

Later at the end of 3.33 Asuka finds Shinji given up and drags him along to try and find hope Asuka clearly cares about Shinji and I think she even loves him but I'm not so sure and even though i root for them to get together and to find more hope when i see Shinji just give up like that it reminds me how i sometimes if not often do so as well, i feel happy seeing this reaction this idea that no matter what hope can die

I suppose i empathize with Shinji, I like the thing about his character where he just gives up but at the same time i love when he wins and is happy

I love the idea that Asuka is there for him or at least cares about him and isnt willing to give up on him yet a part of me that wants that same person for myself wants Asuka to fail and drown in misery because of how theres no longer hope for this person she cares for and this will drag her down as well

As mentioned before i also want this person for myself the person who doesn't give up on me, that keep trying no matter what just so i can waste their whole life and show them how wrong they are and that their beliefs are inferior and wrong and no matter what hope they muster the grim reminder stays there and erodes them

I love the idea of suffering as much as i hate it

Be aware the side that wants to support this person thats supporting me and stand tall for both our sakes exists as well, the person who wants hope and to be held up by the person they love and do the same for them

I'm reading all over the place about what Evangelion is about and what not and i feel as though i am like Shinji in some ways some things do differ though

I have a supportive family thats there for me as well

Evangelion has a message of hope to me but it seems like it also has one of the opposite at least i think so, i just dont know but feel as though it somehow relates to people like me that hate getting close to others (Hedgehog dilemma) which i suppose is pretty obvious but i wonder has this whole self hatred/want to be free of natures bonds and create your own humanity relate to the show in any way. I want my own humanity where you dont need empathy where you dont need love and spend your whole life showing those that think otherwise definitive proof in an effort to make them reconsider and or crush them

There's a side of me that hope's to hold someone close forever and ever in a love that transcends time and is eternal by nature of it having existed, i want friends despite not really being all that interested in interacting with others in real life, i prefer forums and internet people, I dont go any further because i can guarantee at some point ill stop giving a shit and not make any effort and theres little people if any who would bother with someone who clearly cant be bothered themselves, I want that person like Asuka to be there for me and perhaps even break me out of those moods when i get into them and i want someone to never give up on me for good reasons like hope and that they can truly save me and help me save myself

One side wants ruination of this person and to show them the cruel truth

The other wants them to be a shining light of hope and love for eternity and never give up no matter how many times you do and somehow make it through together in a positive way

Basically i fell as though Evangelion has aspects of both hope and melancholy but the overall ending of the tv show, EoE and these rebuild films i think are supposed to be hopeful in a way but at the same time they are so destructive and depressing, i mean everyone primordial soup and i imagine all life on earth disappears all animals all plants, even if you do come back what are you gonna eat? Its bitter sweet in a way i just dont know what to think of the Evangelion stories are they ending on a high note of hope or one of destruction as third impact seems to not be so bad anyway as people can still come back, is third impact meant to be something you can come back from? Or is the way Shinji caused it changing some fundamental aspect of it, would people normally be able to come back and why come back anyway? The worlds still gone anyway. Evangelion is both depressing and it also seems hopeful at the same time and i can relate to it in a way as i have personal conflict within myself like probably everyone does, a part of me that wants to keep trying even if im hurt again and again

I guess the Evangelion part of this piece is more focused on Asuka and Shinji and their relationship particularity in the rebuild films, one part i loved about rebuild was Asuka wasnt sleep walking into Shinjis bed, but she made the conscious decision to spend time with him and get closer, I love Soryu from the original stuff but there are things i like about the new Shikinami as well and I wonder if putting both these representations together as canon is possible, not to treat them separate but as one just showing different sides in different media EoE and evangelion vs rebuild

I think the time loop theory exists somehow anyway

Questions summed up

-Does Asuka dragging Shinji along at the end of 3.33 symbolize how much she loves and ca res for him or is it for herself only?
-Does rebuild demonstrate more love between the two than the original works 26 eps + EoE
-What is the ultimate message, one of hope or one of you just have to keep trying and if you stop then thats your choice and its all over
-As for romantic relationships whats the point of showing them in Evangelion at all besides the whole connection of people or is that the only reason?
-Do i mirror any characters in your eyes?

Ok post over, I'm done

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