Rebuild of Evangelion: Five+Three

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Fyrstorm
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Rebuild of Evangelion: Five+Three

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Postby Fyrstorm » Sun Jun 12, 2016 6:42 pm

Link to the story on Fanfiction.Net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11773046/1/Rebuild-of-Evangelion-Five-Plus-Three

Some backstory behind this, before we get going:

This story was initially inspired by Squigsquasher's post in the Lemon Thread here (not quite SFW):
View Original PostSquigsquasher wrote:
We Have Ways of Making You Talk  SPOILER: Show
A Rebuild fic, to be exact a Q-fic. Rei's attempt to recapture Shinji fails and she fucks off back to Neo-NERV HQ. Realizing that normal interrogation isn't going to work, WILLE decide that in order to get information out of Shinji they need to send in their expert in coercion...Mari, who has rather unusual methods of interrogation...

(TLDR: Mari fucks Shinji to get info out of him. Paizuri and femdom/teasing essential.)

As such, I will thank Squig for unintentionally inspiring this.

The concept-- that of Shinji being left behind with Wille, and being put in a position where he has to "interact" with Mari-- was pretty interesting, especially with how it'd screw with the rest of 3.33. Not to mention ShinMari is a really neat dynamic, and can be pretty appealing. However, I'm not a lemon writer by any means-- so this isn't going to be a lemon. Not by a long shot.

I wrote up the first chapter, started the second, and... spent a few months completely ignoring it. Now, I've decided to start writing again. Yay, me.


Now, without further ado, here's Chapter 1.

Chapter 1  SPOILER: Show
Rebuild of Evangelion:
Five+Three
.
[CHAPTER 01]
.
- AAA Wunder, starboard flank.
.
The Evangelion stared down Shinji, mechanical eye riveted on him. The synthesized voice came again from its speakers.
“Ikari, come with me.”
It was her. It really was her. Rei and Unit-00. Shinji took a step forwards…
“Don’t do it, Shinji!”
The snarl cut the air like a knife. Shinji turned, to see a ragged Misato, arm raised up. The remote in her hand flashed, hologram blinking. The remote connected to the bomb on his neck.
Shinji’s eyes narrowed.
“What was that, Misato? I thought you said you didn’t need me anymore!”
“No, but we will ensure your safety!”
Outside, something roared. A heavy shell slammed into the back of the Eva’s helmet, causing the pupil to shrink to a pinprick. Cannon fire splashed along the unit’s back, but the orange cyborg didn’t so much as flinch.
Shinji’s eyes widened as his fellow pilot was assaulted, pelted with rounds from the floating battleship. He whirled back to the angry Misato, fists clenched by his sides.
“Stop it! Don’t you realize that’s an Eva you’re firing at?!”
Misato’s face contorted with emotion, before she spat out a reply.
“Of course! We’ll obliterate every last one of Nerv’s Evas!”
The boy paused.
“What do you mean?” he questioned. “Isn’t this a branch of Nerv?!”
“No!” the woman answered. “We are Wille, an organization dedicated to destroying Nerv! Now, get away from that thing!”
“Ikari…” Unit-00 said, stretching its fingers wider, shifting its hand closer to the boy. “Come with me.”
[---]
“Four-eyed crony, take it down!” Asuka’s angry voice snapped, harsh through the plug saddle’s radio. The walls warped, light pulsing across them as activation began.
A pair of blue eyes flashed, interspersed flecks of green gleaming playfully.
“Not a problem, Princess! Eva Unit-08, let’s go!”
[---]
Shinji had enough.
The boy’s arms were stiff at his side, his posture that of a defiant child. He’d had questions, wanted explanations, but nobody had given him straight answers. And now a completely different Misato was making outrageous claims, threatening to kill him, and demanding that he surrender himself to this… Wille?! Just what the hell was going on?!
Glaring at the woman he thought he’d known, Shinji stalked over to Unit-00’s hand. He placed a foot on the giant palm.
“Don’t do it!” Misato’s finger moved off the guard, and rested against the trigger. Her thumb moved, readying to flick off the cap to the second trigger on the choker’s remote.
“Or what, Misato? You’ll kill me?!” Shinji snapped.
Misato didn’t answer, the words just not coming for her. Shinji huffed, shifting his balance over the Eva’s hand more.
“...I’m out of here.”
His leg lifted…
[---]
“Hi-yah!”
The candy-pink cyborg squeezed the trigger, sending a heavy shell spinning towards the orange Eva’s back! The bullet punctured its armour, throwing cracks up and down the plate as blood sprayed from the wound.
‘Unit-00’ shook, a keening cry escaping its helm! The three tendrils affixed around its yoke lashed, denting and slicing the Wunder’s hull. Inside Unit-08, the brunette grinned.
“Take that, jackass!”
[---]
When Unit-00 screamed, Shinji nearly lost his balance, as the massive hand convulsed, its fingers reflexively clenching shut!
“Mr. Ikari!”
A pair of arms wrapped around his ribs, dragging him off before the open palm closed into a tight fist! Shinji’s eyes widened, locked on the clenched fist, even as it began to unravel again.
“T-that… I… I could have…”
“You really have to be more careful, Mr. Ikari,” the voice said, awash with concern. Shinji glanced behind him, catching view of Sakura Suzuhara, holding onto him. Then a grinding and creaking sound grabs back their attention.
Unit-00’s eye tracks away from the breach, focusing on something. Its left hand remains jammed through the hull, though it’s slowly being dragged out, catching on the metal. Something’s managed to have an effect on it.
There’s a click as the Eva’s speakers shut off, its pilot communing with someone else. Shinji’s eyes flick down to the still open palm, then across to Misato and Ritsuko, then back to Sakura, and finally to Unit-00’s head again.
What’s it looking at?...
[---]
Now I’ve got your attention, mm? Let’s see what it takes to make you do something about it. Mari thought, charging forwards. The umbilical cable had already detached, flailing in the wind before it had retracted to safety. Unit-08 kept her gun up, and pumped the trigger twice!
The twin rounds flew true, one shattering the remains of the Eva’s AT Field-- Thank you for the neutralizing, Wunder! Mari thought-- while the other struck the softer flesh of the Eva’s throat. The orange cyborg keened again, yanking out its left arm as chunks of brown meat and blood splattered against the hull of the cybernetic vessel.
[---]
And like that, it was gone. Shinji’s chance at escape had abandoned him, fluids pouring from the gaping wound in its throat. But Unit-00 wasn’t running, he realized, watching the being’s pupil shrink to a furious pinprick. The orange cyborg was actually going to fight. And he was about to be caught right in the middle of it.
The last time he’d seen Unit-00 in a fight, it’d been taking on the Tenth Angel. If Nerv had fixed it after its destruction… who knew what it would be capable of.
“M-mister Ikari…” Sakura began. “I think it might be a good idea to get away from the breach.”
Shinji nodded dumbly, letting himself be pulled back by the girl. Despite the tunnel-vision-focus he had, he noticed Misato lowering the remote to her side while she stepped back.
Unit-00 bared its fingers like talons, tendrils whipping around from the bulky backpack it wore…
The Eva pounced.
[---]
As soon as the Eva moved, Mari knew she was in the clear. She didn’t have to worry about accidentally hitting anybody important with a stray shot.
It was just her and her opponent.
The orange cyborg moved like a blur, closing in no time at all! A gunmetal blur slammed into the side of its head, throwing the Eva down towards the Wunder’s wing joint. Unit-08 hefted its pistol, shaking its arm out from the heavy blow.
“How’d you like that, ‘Champion’?” Mari mocked, drawing the weapon up again. As the software locked on, the brunette glanced at her timer. Five-and-a-half minutes left in the seven-minute battery; plenty of time to take down the troublesome Eva.
The other Eva’s fingers punched through the Wunder’s hull, slowing its descent to a halt. Its tendrils whipped, before closing up into a single shape, sprouting fins and nozzles.
“What?! That’s not fair!” Mari complained, taking the shot. Still neutralized by the Wunder’s AT Field, the orange Eva took the bullet straight in its face, writhing as its helmet shattered. The mechanical eye fell out, bouncing along the vessel’s hull before dropping off the edge-- but it still seemed like the wounds only annoyed the Eva.
Crap! What the hell’s this thing made of?! Mari gritted her teeth. This damned persistency was starting to piss her off.
“Why the hell won’t you just die alread-?”
The cyborg didn’t give her time to reply, rocketing forwards just as Mari shouted. A second later, her foe drove their shoulder into her Unit’s collarbone, smashing the pink Eva against the ship. Mari coughed and hacked, trying to prop herself back up with an elbow.
The wounded cyborg was getting away.
“Oi! Get back here, y-you! I-I’m not done with you just-” Mari broke off into another cough. “-just yet...” Too late. Her foe was a fleck of orange in the distance… and soon, it wasn’t even that.
Mari groaned, and began the slow climb back to her Eva’s hanger bay.
[---]
“Sir, I have failed. Ikari could not be collected.”
“No matter. We can always try again. Wille’s Ark isn’t as sturdy as they think it is. For now, return to headquarters.”
“Yes, sir.”
[---]
Shinji sat on a chunk of rubble, staring out the breach, all the anger drained from him. He’d seen most of it-- seen Unit-00 charge the pink Eva, seen it be knocked down, seen the pink Eva fire several shots… and seen Unit-00 knock it out of the way dismissively as it escaped on a massive rocket pack. She hadn’t even stopped to pick him up…
“Rei…” the boy muttered, slumping slightly.
He’d… he’d saved her, hadn’t he? Then why would she just leave him? Maybe her Eva was too damaged… except for the way it’d looked after getting its throat shot out by the pink one… it looked angry. Other than that time he’d insulted his father, Shinji couldn’t remember the last time he’d thought of Rei as angry.
Shinji sighted. Everything was a mess. Fourteen years had passed, the world had changed immensely, and the only thing he could seem to get from people was their hatred.
Well, most people, he thought, glancing over to his side, where Sakura sat. She at least didn’t seem to hate him, even if everyone else did.
“Lieutenant.”
The voice quivered for a second, before solidifying. Shinji and Sakura looked over to the source; a weary, battered Misato, remote held loosely in her hand.
“Yes ma’am?” Sakura asked.
“Bring Shinji Ikari to his new quarters. I’ll be on the bridge.”
“Yes, Colonel!” The girl saluted, standing back up.
Misato turned, and walked off, Ritsuko following behind her. Sakura relaxed, and put a hand on Shinji’s arm.
“Come on, Mr. Ikari,” the girl said with a hopeful smile. “Let’s get you set up here.”
The Third Child stood, bring a hand up to rub his head. Slowly, the two began to walk, heading the other direction from the breach.
“S-Sakura?” Shinji asked.
“Yes?” she replied.
“Do you think you could give me some straight answers? I… There’s some things I really need to know.”
Sakura smiled.
“I’d be happy to help.”
.
[END OF CHAPTER 01]


(There may be some formatting issues. The actual file has a lot of indents in it, which aren't present here)
My ongoing fanfics: NGE: (Not) the End, Evangelion: Regenesis

Winking Mari makes my heart go doki doki
We're all Asuka-fanboys? I take great exception to that. It's Mari I want to plow nine ways from Sunday, if you don't mind.

What? She's 28 now.

Fyrstorm
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Re: Rebuild of Evangelion: Five+Three

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Postby Fyrstorm » Mon Jun 20, 2016 4:27 am

I have now completed Chapter 2 of RoE:5+3!

Chapter 2  SPOILER: Show
Rebuild of Evangelion:
Five+Three
.
[CHAPTER 02]
.
- AAA Wunder, internal corridors.
.
Misato stalked down the hallway, broken glasses discarded, remote deactivated and shoved into a pocket.
“You know, standard procedure isn’t going to work on him,” Ritsuko said. “Especially not when you keep having doubts around him.” Misato glared back at her, eyes narrowed.
“Then how else are we supposed to figure anything out? Ask him nicely?” the woman scoffed at the remark.
As if, she thought. I know what I’m doing is for everyone’s good, but Shinji… Shinji won’t even think of me as Misato. He’ll see me just as someone else who hates him…
“...I doubt that’d work,” she muttered.
“It might.”
The Colonel paused, and raised an eyebrow, inviting Ritsuko to explain just what she had meant by that.
“If we have someone he connects with try to break down his barriers…”
“Like who, Ritsuko? Myself? Asuka?” Misato sighed. “I doubt we have anyone who doesn't have some grudge against him that'll cloud their judgement.”
There was no talking for several minutes, the only sounds in the corridor the noise of the Wunder itself and the clomping of their boots.
Finally, Ritsuko made her reply.
“Even so, there's no harm in trying to find someone. If it does succeed, we may actually have a chance at this, Colonel.”
“... Fine,” Misato sighed. “Try it, and report back afterwards.”
“Yes, Colonel.”
The two reached an intersection in the vessel’s corridors, where they would finally split. With a silent nod, Misato continued forwards, while Ritsuko took another path. While they might have to work in the same room most of the time, there were just some things that their jobs demanded they do alone...
[---]
- AAA Wunder, Starboard Quarters.
.
It wasn't particularly uncomfortable, he supposed. There were plenty of places that would be worse than the room he'd been assigned to. Like the brig, for example.
Shinji sat on the plain bed, listening patiently to Sakura’s explanation. It was a lot to take in, and each sentence wore down his hopes. While he’d been in Unit-01… so much had changed. The world was ruined, a shell of its former self. Over half the Earth’s surface was covered in sterile, lifeless red, both land and sea-- the only escaping areas being in western Europe, which weren’t in much better shape. The Third Impact had practically caused humanity’s extinction...
All because he’d wanted to save someone.
.
All because he’d wanted to save Rei.
.
“I… I can’t believe it,” he sighed, wilting into the bed. “I’d never wanted… never wanted this.”
Sakura tried to sympathize… but Shinji’d had enough. He’d wanted an explanation, and he’d gotten quite a bit… but it wasn’t the answer he wanted. As politely as his fraying nerves could manage, the former Third Child weakly asked for her to leave.
As soon as she’d left, Shinji collapsed onto his back.
This day can’t possibly get worse, he thought.
And for once since he'd woken up, he'd been right about it.
[---]
Sleep was merciful to Shinji.
.
There were no nightmares, no terrors. Nothing ran him through, or blamed him, or brought him down. There weren’t even any real dreams for him. All he was given was a senseless, grey void.
.
But that was good enough for him.
[---]
It was what felt like early morning when Shinji recovered awareness. Brushing aside the lingering haze of sleep, Shinji made for the closet-- only to find a plain wall.
That’s odd, I could have sworn that the guest room’s closet was here…
Confused, Shinji turned, to see if he could spot the closet elsewhere.
The remainder of the room was left out for him. The boy blinked, not sure what to make of--
Over there, on the door. A blue and white stylized ‘w’.
.
Wille.
The sight of that jogged his memory; waking up, the people being so different, the 14-year gap, the Wunder, the appearance of the regenerated Unit-00, the pink eva that had fought it off, the ruined world that sat beneath his feet… all of it, back in an instant.
.
Shinji was still standing there, frozen in shock, when there was a knock at his door.
“...Mr. Ikari?” Sakura asked from the other side. “It’s time to get up”
Eyes wide, the boy looked around hurriedly, trying to find some clothes.
“I- j-just a minute, Suzuhara-san!”
A small storage cupboard proved to have the answer to his plight. It wasn't large or deep by any means, but right now Shinji didn't care. He grabbed a few items of plain clothing, each emblazoned with that ‘w’, and pulled them on.
Thus clothed, the boy sighed with relief, and moved to open the door. As expected, Sakura was waiting for him.
“G-good morning, Suzuhara-san,” Shinji said, giving a quick bow of respect to the young woman.
“Good morning, Mr. Ikari,” she replied, returning the gesture. “How are you feeling today?”
Shinji opens his mouth to reply, but a slight hum from his throat draws his attention, reminding him just what’s around his neck.
“I… could be better,” the tone comes out dejected, the boy’s focus all too clearly on the explosive choker. Sakura’s own eyes trace to focus on it, at least for a few seconds.
“...Well, maybe you’ll feel better with some breakfast?” she suggested.
Shinji just shrugged. Given that he hadn't eaten in fourteen years, getting something to eat couldn't hurt.
“It’s… worth a shot.”
[---]
Fortunately for Shinji, the pair’s entrance into the mess hall was worryless. Nobody stopped them, or paused to give a death glare to the boy-- most of the Wille staff were simply focused on their meals. The dispensers were autonomous-- Sakura had told him that it was supposed to save manpower-- so human interaction wasn't a problem.
Tray in hand, the former Third Child followed Sakura to a bench on the outskirts of the hall, out of the way from anything.
.
The meal itself was nothing too pretty… but it could easily be worse, and nobody else seemed to have any issues with it. He guessed that it-
“My, my! If it isn’t our little puppy!”
Shinji froze, spoon half-stuck in a patch of reddish sludge. He knew that voice. He'd heard it before, on two different occasions.
H-her?!
The former Third Child looked over cautiously, eyes mixed with an interesting combination of fear and curiosity. The girl was there, almost the same as she'd looked fourteen years ago. Same cheerful grin, same twin-tailed hairstyle, same hungry eyes.
“Hello?...”
“I- Lieutenant Illustrious!” Sakura exclaimed, a little surprised. The bespectacled young woman just giggled, crashing down onto the bench beside Shinji with a grin splitting her face.
“Aw, Sakura, c’mon. I told ya that just ‘Mari’ is fine,” she replied teasingly.
Mari’s eyes flicked over to the boy, glinting mischievously.
“You can call me Mari too, puppy,” the young woman purred, the sheer casualty of the action catching him off guard.
“I- well- er…”
“Mari!” Sakura accosted. “Stop teasing him, he's had enough to deal with.”
“Oh, hush. I didn’t mean any harm.” The girl waved a hand nonchalantly, looking away from the two. “Just checking out the new meat. I'll leave him be. For now.” With that, Mari rocked to her feet, and looked back for a moment.
“See you later, pups!” she grinned, before strolling off. Sakura sighed.
“Sorry about that, Mr. Ikari. Lieutenant Ill… Mari is really friendly, but she can be a little bit… well, overwhelming.”
“It's… it's fine,” the boy replied, brushing it off.
Now that it seemed like he didn't have to interact with someone whom he both didn't know and found a little bit… confusing, Shinji could turn back to his previous task. He raised the spoon of red slop back to his mouth…
... only to find that the food-- whatever it was-- was cold. Great.
[---]
Breakfast was done. It wasn't the best, but Shinji was perfectly fine with mediocre for now. He didn’t want to deal with any crazy outliers; just to get used to everything. Maybe then he could finally figure out what to do with himself in this crazy, new world.
.
Given how everything had been peaking at ‘average’, he could probably be forgiven for doubting this.
[---]
Misato heard the door open behind her.
“What is it?” she asked, glancing into the mirrored section on the inner tips of her new glasses.
Ritsuko entered.
“Mari's made contact,” she reported. “Results were… well, expected.” Misato scoffed.
“Which is to say she's been just as poor at social activity as before? Uncanny valley and all that?”
Ritsuko sighed.
“Admittedly, Mari hasn't grown up nearly as much as the rest of us have, thanks to the Curse of Eva. But, on the other hand, it didn't seem like she had any real aggression towards him... in fact, she was strangely casual, despite apparently not having met him before-- or at least, she never told us anything about meeting him before.”
“So, she's our best bet?” Misato asked, finally turning around. Ritsuko shrugged.
“Lieutenant Suzuhara may have a good heart, but she's not a good liar. Ulterior motives wouldn't work out well. For now, we'll see if Mari can manage.”
.
“Alright then,” Misato said. “You have my permission to continue.”
.
[END OF CHAPTER 02]



Once more, I apologize for the formatting.
My ongoing fanfics: NGE: (Not) the End, Evangelion: Regenesis

Winking Mari makes my heart go doki doki
We're all Asuka-fanboys? I take great exception to that. It's Mari I want to plow nine ways from Sunday, if you don't mind.

What? She's 28 now.

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Re: Rebuild of Evangelion: Five+Three

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Postby DarkBluePhoenix » Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:02 pm

Great story Fyrstorm!

Great concept, and even without the lemony bits in it, it will be a great story. Not every pairing story needs lemon to make it interesting, it needs a connection between the two characters, and in this case, its a pairing that doesn't see a lot of action. I actually think there are more SxK or AxM fans than SxM fans.

Anywho, I can't wait to see what happens in Chapter 3, will Mari betray Misato and Ritsuko to protect the puppy?

I'm curious as to where you came up with the name for your fic? Does it have to do with her previously piloting Gogoki and now she's piloting Hachigoki?

And it appears Mari approves:
SPOILER: Show
Image
Avatar - Heero Yuy, pilot of Wing Gundam Zero. If you want to read my NGE fanfic go to my profile here - DarkBluePhoenix on FanFiction.net or DarkBluePhoenix on AO3

Voted in college to be Most likely to Take Over the World, how to do that however, will require at least Four Evangelions. Thanks for the idea Misato-san!
"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." Said at the beginning of the nuclear age by J. Robert Oppenheimer.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Words of Wisdom from German Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.

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Re: Rebuild of Evangelion: Five+Three

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Postby Fyrstorm » Thu Aug 04, 2016 1:47 am

View Original PostDarkBluePhoenix wrote:Great story Fyrstorm!

Great concept, and even without the lemony bits in it, it will be a great story. Not every pairing story needs lemon to make it interesting, it needs a connection between the two characters, and in this case, its a pairing that doesn't see a lot of action. I actually think there are more SxK or AxM fans than SxM fans.

Anywho, I can't wait to see what happens in Chapter 3, will Mari betray Misato and Ritsuko to protect the puppy?

I'm curious as to where you came up with the name for your fic? Does it have to do with her previously piloting Gogoki and now she's piloting Hachigoki?

And it appears Mari approves:
SPOILER: Show
Image

LMS is like that one... um... I can't think up a metaphor/simile for it. It's not common, but it's certainly nice when it pops up. Of course, Asumari is fantastic, but I'm trying to have a fic that doesn't feature it (Asushinari, however, is best OT3-- as long as it's not during 3.0).

Chapter 3 is currently on hiatus-- or rather, was. It is now officially off hiatus. Sorta. I'm trying to work some on it.

As for the name? Usually, in Rebuild, I peg Kaworu as the Fourth Child (shows up before Mari ever does for certain), and Mari as the Fifth (and we all know who number Three is...). Of course, the Unit-05 thing is also a big part, but that doesn't really tie into anything proper.
My ongoing fanfics: NGE: (Not) the End, Evangelion: Regenesis

Winking Mari makes my heart go doki doki
We're all Asuka-fanboys? I take great exception to that. It's Mari I want to plow nine ways from Sunday, if you don't mind.

What? She's 28 now.

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Re: Rebuild of Evangelion: Five+Three

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Postby Fyrstorm » Tue Aug 09, 2016 1:48 am

In other news, Chapter 3 (and the apocalypse) have been cancelled-- at least for now. Instead, I've realized that my earlier chapters (mainly Chapter 2) were... less than satisfactory (to both myself and my readers). As such, I am rewriting the story! Huzzah for new stuff!

To prove I'm not lying, have a snippet of the revised Chapter 1:
SPOILER: Show
Chapter 1:
.
- Autonomous Assault Arc Wunder, starboard hull.
The Evangelion stared down at Shinji, its mechanical eye whirring and focusing on the boy's face.
“Ikari,” it said, the voice synthetic-- but unmistakably Rei’s. “Come with me.”
It was her. It was really her. Rei and Unit-00 were here. The boy took a step forwards,
“Don’t do it, Shinji!”
The snarl cut the air like a knife. Shinji turned, to see a ragged Misato, arm raised up. The remote in her hand flashed, hologram blinking. The remote connected to the bomb on his neck.
Shinji’s eyes narrowed.
“What was that, Misato? I thought you said you didn’t need me anymore!”
“No, but we will ensure your safety!”
Outside, something roared. A heavy shell slammed into the back of the Eva’s helmet, causing the pupil to shrink to a pinprick. Cannon fire splashed along the unit’s back, the orange cyborg groaning inside its helmet with each impact.
Shinji’s eyes widened as his fellow pilot was assaulted, pelted with rounds from the floating battleships. He whirled back to the angry Misato, fists clenched by his sides.
“Stop it! Don’t you realize that’s an Eva you’re firing at?!”
Misato’s face contorted with emotion, before she spat out a reply.
“Of course I do! We’ll obliterate every last one of Nerv’s Evas!”
The boy froze.
.
“W-what do you mean?” he questioned. “Isn’t this a branch of Nerv?!”
“No!” the woman answered. “We are Wille, our mission is to destroy Nerv! Now, get away from that thing!”
“Ikari…” Unit-00 said, stretching its fingers wider, shifting its hand closer to the boy. “Come with me.”
[---]
“Four-eyed crony, don't let it get away!”
The girl grinned at the harsh voice of her fellow pilot. The walls surrounding her warped, rainbow light cascading past her.
“Roger that, Princess!”
Her fingers tightened around the grips, sliding them back along the tracks.


Have I mentioned just how much I truly despise the issues of formatting being erased? It's really annoying.

Yes, most of the changes are with grammar and formatting; Chapter 1 was a good chapter, and doesn't need much in the way of changes.
My ongoing fanfics: NGE: (Not) the End, Evangelion: Regenesis

Winking Mari makes my heart go doki doki
We're all Asuka-fanboys? I take great exception to that. It's Mari I want to plow nine ways from Sunday, if you don't mind.

What? She's 28 now.

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Re: Rebuild of Evangelion: Five+Three

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Postby DarkBluePhoenix » Tue Aug 09, 2016 6:19 pm

I can't wait to read the updated story! I wanna see what Mari does to Shinji to make him squirm a little, plus whatever else she might have in her head to do to puppy boy.
Image
Avatar - Heero Yuy, pilot of Wing Gundam Zero. If you want to read my NGE fanfic go to my profile here - DarkBluePhoenix on FanFiction.net or DarkBluePhoenix on AO3

Voted in college to be Most likely to Take Over the World, how to do that however, will require at least Four Evangelions. Thanks for the idea Misato-san!
"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." Said at the beginning of the nuclear age by J. Robert Oppenheimer.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Words of Wisdom from German Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.

Fyrstorm
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Re: Rebuild of Evangelion: Five+Three

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Postby Fyrstorm » Wed Aug 10, 2016 2:26 am

Chapter-01 Improved is... not done.
I am starting to think that a Beta may be helpful.

Still, I have something of the new chapter-- I'm just not really happy about it.

Chapter 1 - or rather, part of it  SPOILER: Show
Rebuild of Evangelion:
05+03: You Can Redo
.
Chapter 1:
.

- Autonomous Assault Arc Wunder, starboard hull.
The Evangelion stared down at Shinji, its mechanical eye whirring and focusing on the boy's face.
“Ikari,” it said, the voice synthetic-- but unmistakably Rei’s. “Come with me.”
It was her. It was really her. Rei and Unit-00 were here. The boy took a step forwards,
“Don’t do it, Shinji!”
The snarl cut the air like a knife. Shinji turned, to see a ragged Misato, arm raised up. The remote in her hand flashed, hologram blinking. The remote connected to the bomb on his neck.
Shinji’s eyes narrowed.
“What was that, Misato? I thought you said you didn’t need me anymore!”
“No, but we will ensure your safety!”
Outside, something roared. A heavy shell slammed into the back of the Eva’s helmet, causing the pupil to shrink to a pinprick. Cannon fire splashed along the unit’s back, the orange cyborg groaning inside its helmet with each impact.
Shinji’s eyes widened as his fellow pilot was assaulted, pelted with rounds from the floating battleships. He whirled back to the angry Misato, fists clenched by his sides.
“Stop it! Don’t you realize that’s an Eva you’re firing at?!”
Misato’s face contorted with emotion, before she spat out a reply.
“Of course I do! We’ll obliterate every last one of Nerv’s Evas!”
The boy froze.
.
“W-what do you mean?” he questioned. “Isn’t this a branch of Nerv?!”
“No!” the woman answered. “We are Wille, our mission is to destroy Nerv! Now, get away from that thing!”
“Ikari…” Unit-00 said, stretching its fingers wider, shifting its hand closer to the boy. “Come with me.”
[---]
“Four-eyed crony, don't let it get away!”
The girl grinned at the harsh voice of her fellow pilot. The walls surrounding her warped, rainbow light cascading past her.
“Roger that, Princess!”
Her fingers tightened around the grips, sliding them back along the tracks.
“Evangelion Unit-08, launch!”
[---]
Shinji had taken enough.
The boy’s arms were stiff at his side, his posture that of a defiant child. He’d had questions, he’d wanted explanations, but nobody had given him so much as a straight answer! And now a completely different Misato was making outrageous claims, threatening to kill him, and demanding that he surrender himself to this… Wille?! Just what the hell was going on?!
Glaring at the woman he thought he’d known, Shinji stalked over to Unit-00’s hand. His foot lifted, pushing down onto the giant palm of the Evangelion.
“Don’t do it!” Misato’s finger moved off the guard, and rested against the trigger. Her thumb moved, readying to flick off the cap to the second trigger on the choker’s remote.
“Or what, Misato? You’ll kill me?!” Shinji snapped.
Misato didn’t answer, her reply seemingly stuck in her throat. Shinji huffed, shifting his balance further over the Eva’s hand.
“...I’m out of here.”
His leg lifted…
[---]
“Hi-yah!”
The candy-pink cyborg squeezed the trigger, sending a heavy shell spinning towards the orange Eva’s back! The bullet punctured its armour, throwing cracks up and down the plate as blood sprayed from the wound.
The cycloptic Eva shook, a muffled cry escaping its helm! The three tendrils affixed around its yoke lashed, denting and slicing the Wunder’s hull.
“Ha! Take that, jackass!” Mari chortled, urging her chariot along the side of the hull
[---]
Shinji nearly lost his balance at the Eva’s howl of pain, as the massive hand convulsed, its fingers reflexively clenching shut!
“Mr. Ikari!”
A pair of arms wrapped around his ribs, dragging him off before the open palm shut like a bear trap! Shinji’s eyes widened, locked on the clenched fist, even as it began to slowly unravel again. If he’d been on the hand when it closed...
“T-that…” he whispered. “I… I could have…”
“You really have to be more careful, Mr. Ikari,” the voice said, awash with concern. Shinji glanced behind him, catching view of Sakura Suzuhara holding onto him.
A grinding, creaking noise split the air, stealing the boy’s attention again.
Unit-00’s eye tracked away from the breach, focusing on something. Its left hand stayed stuck in the hole, though it didn’t look like it was going to stay that way for long. Something has clearly managed to have an effect on it.
There was a click as the Eva’s speakers shut off, its pilot communing with someone else. Shinji’s eyes flicked down to the still open palm, then across to Misato and Ritsuko, then back to Sakura, and finally to Unit-00’s head again.
~What’s it looking at?...~
[---]
~Now I’ve got your attention, mm? Let’s see what it takes to make you do something about it.~ Mari thought, leaping over a wing joint. The umbilical cable had already detached, flailing in the wind before it had retracted to safety.
My ongoing fanfics: NGE: (Not) the End, Evangelion: Regenesis

Winking Mari makes my heart go doki doki
We're all Asuka-fanboys? I take great exception to that. It's Mari I want to plow nine ways from Sunday, if you don't mind.

What? She's 28 now.

jcmoorehead
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Re: Rebuild of Evangelion: Five+Three

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Postby jcmoorehead » Wed Aug 10, 2016 3:16 am

I like what you have, I do understand the whole thing about editing though. For my past few fics I've been a lot more careful with my editing and proof reading. I haven't gone for a beta reader with it but sometimes it can take a while until you get things just right.

I'm currently doing a sequel to Hand.Cannot.Erase and I had to have a conversation between Misato & Asuka and it just took me so long to get it 'right'.


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