Has anyone mentioned 2012?
(BTW, there will be unmarked spoilers, but this movie sucks so much that you shouldn't care about it)
First of all, this movie suffers from the ever-present problem of the "future" it is set in now being in the past (NGE suffered from this too, but it at least was a great work in and of itself). Now this is bad enough, but combined with the ludicrous amount of hype over the 2012 apocalypse (which I slept through as I was having a tooth removed) coupled with the utter mockery it got afterwards, it makes the premise suffer awfully.
However, surely this is an unfair thing to criticize a movie for, right? Time marches on, and this can make any good movie seem a little narmy. After all, Akira predicted a third world war in 1988 and that's still a good movie.
Yeah. Unfortunately, 2012 is the exact opposite of a good movie.
So, first of all I'd like to bring to attention the skull-breakingly anvilicious AMERICA HURR that this movie exhibits. Our main heroes are a perfect little suburban family of god-fearing white middle class 'murricans. Pretty much everyone else dies. Out of all the main important characters, I think 1 non-American survives, and even so he ends up with a mangled leg. Even 'Murricans aren't safe from Roland's bloodthirst- Gordon, the MC's ex-wife's new husband, ends up squished between some colossal gears, which is a shame as he was one of the few bearable characters. To tally up just a small fraction of Emmerich's xenocidal crusade;
>A whole indian refugee convoy numbering in the thousands, including the geologist from the start of the film, his wife and his son (also some of the only bearable characters) are deaded by a tsunami.
>A Tibetan Bhuddist monk is killed when his temple is destroyed by an enormous wave.
>Thousands of nameless Chinese workers fall to their deaths at the climax of the film.
>2 black guys die when their ship sinks (along with a bunch of nameless people).
>A white guy and his Japanese wife and daughter (who get less than a minute of screen time) have their house demolished by a freak wave.
>A HUGE congregation outside the Vatican are killed by an earthquake.
>3 of the 5 Russian characters die in various ways.
>The black President is killed by a MOTHERFUCKING AIRCRAFT CARRIER. (Haha, I see what you did there Roland, you utter shite).
Plenty of white Americans die as well of course, but mostly nameless characters or characters clearly meant to be unsympathetic, such as the crazy awesome radio guy. Roland seems to take particular pleasure in destroying San Francisco and California, probably because DEM LIBERALS.
Oh, did I mention a Cessena nearly gets hit by a train? In mid air?
Yeah. This movie fucking sucks.
Here lies Squigsquasher.