Need some help with socializing in the next few days

[LeoXiao]

Fellow EGF members, fellow mods, and fellow exalted admins, I come seeking your advice and thoughts.

For a few years now, I've had this problem where I can't seem to make any new friends or even manage to independently start productive conversations with people IRL. When I was still in the US, this wasn't such an issue because I already had some friends and more importantly, direct contact with my family. But having come here to Germany for a year, I'm pretty much on my own and shouldn't have to leave this country without getting to know some people.
Basically, what I'm asking is, how do you make friends? I'm a person who has been relatively solitary for a long time and it's hard for me to change my approach.

So let's get started. In five days (three school days), my winter break will start. I don't want to end up staying at home for two weeks like I did during the Autumn break or taking the the alternative option of traveling around Germany on my own, which would be nice but still not get me anywhere closer to actually knowing someone. So I've determined that I have to at least try something before break happens and I don't see anyone for another two weeks.

I'd like to get to know a girl since they're harder for me to talk to (which IMO shouldn't be the case, so let's work towards changing that) and because they look good. Also, if I can get a girl for a friend it might show my host parents that I am getting to know the country and not just sitting around wasting time.
So my overall idea for the next few days is to find a girl to talk to/befriend with the eventual objective of being able to hang out with her during the break. A day trip to Hamburg would be great. Even if I can't achieve this, just being able to talk to someone more easily would still be a success.

So, having posted my situation and plan, I ask you: how do I talk to people more easily, especially women? How do I find things to talk about? Since I've already had basic introductory conversations with practically everyone in my class (so what I'm starting isn't completely from scratch) How do I keep finding things to talk about?
When talking to people, how do you actually get to know someone better/get closer to them? A general answer would be to find common interests, but how do you find those?

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EDIT: I'm sorry if this sounds like a really general or common topic, something that would be easily found by Google, but honestly I would still like your feedback. I don't like Google very much anyway.

[Galaxy News Reidio]

Finding things to talk about is easy. Just pick some recent news story/popular book/etc. and ask people what they think of it. Conversations usually just go from there.

[UrsusArctos]

Well, I can't say for certain whether you're just shy to talk to people or really can't connect with them. Do you have trouble speaking German, or your German good enough? Language barriers are very potent.

When it comes to common interests, it really is hit-or-miss. You could bring something up kind of at random and check out their reactions to it. Since you're not German and not part of their society, they'll likely be more understanding if you're trying to connect with them but not doing too good a job. If you don't reach out, they might not want to reach out to you as well. People subconsciously tell when someone isn't exactly comfortable getting into a conversation and try to avoid talking.

[Xard]

Heed this finnish advice:

Alcohol helps.

A lot.

Especially if the end score is to get laid.

[Baz]

Making friends can be a lot of work, this is especially if you aren't very outgoing. Some people just don't like to strike up a conversation with a stranger on the street.

For shy guys, there are some tried-and-tested methods for meeting people:
1) church, adult education classes, yoga, community sports teams
2) social committees at school or work, school government
3) volunteer work or other community involvement

For the less shy, there are bars, clubs, supermarkets, public transportation.

[LeoXiao]

Well, I can't say for certain whether you're just shy to talk to people or really can't connect with them. Do you have trouble speaking German, or your German good enough? Language barriers are very potent.

My German is okay, not bad enough to be an obstacle in its own right. My problem is being able to think of appropriate responses fast enough, and when I do think of them, they don't seem to get me anywhere in terms of actually furthering friendship.

When it comes to common interests, it really is hit-or-miss. You could bring something up kind of at random and check out their reactions to it. Since you're not German and not part of their society, they'll likely be more understanding if you're trying to connect with them but not doing too good a job.

Yeah. I'm rather scared of what people might think about me though.

If you don't reach out, they might not want to reach out to you as well.

This point actually annoys me the most. In the first month or so, when I was going through all the obligatory introductory stuff, it seemed like I had a better chance of getting to know them at that point, but I feel like I missed that grace period because I didn't know what to talk about beyond...introducing myself.

People subconsciously tell when someone isn't exactly comfortable getting into a conversation and try to avoid talking.

lol you just described my problem beautifully.

Finding things to talk about is easy. Just pick some recent news story/popular book/etc. and ask people what they think of it. Conversations usually just go from there.

I see your point, but the problem is that though I know the people in my class, I don't know them in a way that I can just suddenly ask "hey, what do you think of this book/person/thing?" And even when I do try that, we usually end up talking about the subject at hand for a bit, and then the conversation comes to an end or is interrupted.

Heed this finnish advice:

Hm, I'll think about that when I want to get laid.

Making friends can be a lot of work, this is especially if you aren't very outgoing. Some people just don't like to strike up a conversation with a stranger on the street.

For shy guys, there are some tried-and-tested methods for meeting people:

I'm involved in extracurricular stuff with my classmates. The problem is more personal I think. I can work with most other people just fine, but I feel like I automatically distance myself, and in response, others distance themselves from me.

Should I ask people more personal questions maybe?

----
the thing that bothers me the most is that I feel like I could be making friends if I just changed my behavior a little bit (or a lot). I just have no idea what I should be changing, and if what prevents me from seeing more progress isn't actually a deeply-rooted part of my personality.

[Merridian]

I see your point, but the problem is that though I know the people in my class, I don't know them in a way that I can just suddenly ask "hey, what do you think of this book/person/thing?" And even when I do try that, we usually end up talking about the subject at hand for a bit, and then the conversation comes to an end or is interrupted.

Most of the conversations I had with other classmates usually involved something about the class, and then bridged into other things from there. The relationship I had with the last girl I dated started because we ended up discussing how the teacher presented her material in class, what we thought of the material, etc, and then went on into other things like what we were doing with our lives; that was just over course of the lunch we ate together. If you're dealing with classroom environment, approach someone that looks interesting after class ends and ask them their thoughts on a particular matter that came up during the discussion or lecture. It's easier when there's a class discussion involved because personalities actually come out during discussions (lectures are mostly just being talked at by the teacher anyway), but there are ways around that. Just improvise.

Most people aren't all that hostile, just easily puzzled or at worst anxious. Some just know how to cover it and overcome it better than others. There is no real "trick" to social interaction, it's just something that happens. Do what feels natural.

[Mr. Tines]

Do what feels natural.

I think the point here is that what feels natural is retreating into one's shell -- just as you'd expect from the denizens of a forum dedicated to an anime about psychological damage cases to whom we all relate.

[InstrumentalityOne]

WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL TO FEEL MORE AT EASE.
(Unless everyone else is drinking too, but don´t overdo it.)


That is all I wanted to say.

[Merridian]

I think the point here is that what feels natural is retreating into one's shell -- just as you'd expect from the denizens of a forum dedicated to an anime about psychological damage cases to whom we all relate.

If he's complaining about being uncomfortable doing so, then I don't think that counts as feeling natural. If it feels natural to hole up and say nothing all the time, and then a few minutes later you second-guess your decision, then it probably wasn't the "natural" decision to make; it was more a decision you jumped to without understanding which decision you wanted. The way I see it, the natural decision is the one which results without a reason to complain. Maybe I'm over-complicating things. If you stop to ask yourself "is there a chance that I be any better off doing X instead of Y", and you always choose to do Y, then doing X every once in awhile might not be so bad. If it turns out that your mind is more at ease doing X, then Y may not have ever been the 'natural' thing for you, despite being the thing that you often fled to.

Besides that, people can tell when you're forcing social interaction and when your heart just isn't into the discourse, which is why it's important that the discourse be free-flowing and, well, 'natural'. If you don't really want to do it, then there's no reason to do it—trying to engage when you have no wish to will just yield awkward responses and disjoint communication.

That's what I mean when I say that there isn't really a trick to social interaction. Each person handles it slightly differently, and in my experience, the people that have the hardest time interacting are the people that over-complicate or over-think the act of interacting. There isn't really a set standard as to the difference between 'paying attention' to the other person and 'over-scrutinizing his reactions' per se, but despite the vagueness, I think it's still possible to strike a balancing point without being obnoxious about it. "Just say what you mean, try to be clear about it, and try not to take yourself too seriously" is the only concrete advice I can offer.

[drinian]

Go to http://www.couchsurfing.org/, and find someone who looks interesting in Hamburg. Meet them. A lot of Couchsurfers will meet for coffee if you're making a day trip.

Longer term, get a copy of the most popular book ever published, Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's an easy read. Also, while finding common interests is important for close friends, it's also important to take an interest in others' interests. Nobody is 100% compatible.

And, if you don't give up, things get easier once you're in your twenties. A lot of teenagers are really insecure and too concerned about being cool to make good friendships.

[THE Hal E. Burton 9000]

^THAT, what Baz said, and...

1) Alcohol has its reputation as a "social lubricant" for a reason. But I agree with others here in knowing where your limit is and taking precautions (designated driver, etc.) along with staying away from the rougher stuff like cocaine/crack, heroin, etc.
2) P-R-O-T-E-C-T-I-O-N! Srsly, I'm not kidding either. And you will practically feel smarter by doing so as the ladies will often be impressed (and relieved).
3) This book also may be helpful in the female attraction department.

[skikes]

Go to a bar. Get drunk, not wasted. Find the hottest girl amongst an ok/ugly group of girls. Tell her she looks just like [insert hot celebrity] then ignore her and talk to her ok/ugly friends. Ask them are they 'having a good night' ect... Eventually you will get talking to the hot girl again. Tell her you don't have many friends in Germany, ask for her number and try to give her yours. Don't try to sleep with her, European girls reputation has been greatly exaggerated. If you get her number, txt her the next day. If you don't try with one of her ok/ugly friends.

As for making male friends. I have no idea. Sports bar? I only have tips on bedding men. I can give you those too... just ask "hey, wanna go home with me?" if your hot enough the answer will almost certainly be "yes".

GOOD LUCK!

[ran1]

Dress like a hipster, walk around with a movie camera, look deep.

I can't even count how many people (males and females) have approached me, just willing to strike up conversation, usually somewhere along the lines of "what are you doing?" or "why or you filming that". In my case, I'm doing it for school/work, but feel free to take liberty and bullshit.

As crazy as that sounds, conversations with individuals start there, at that oddly organic level.

[Mr. Tines]

Go to a bar. Get drunk, not wasted. Find the hottest girl amongst an ok/ugly group of girls.

On my planet it's
1. Go to a bar
2. At best it's full of couples/mixed groups, more often it's mostly blokes watching sport on the TV (except in country pubs at lunchtime where you might see a bunch of middle-aged women talking about horses at one of the tables)
3. My face

Random small-talk with the bar staff when it's a quiet lunchtime, perhaps. And then it usually starts with the typical English topic for breaking the ice -- what the weather is doing outside.

[planet news]

It's easy to achieve the effects of alcohol through pure willpower. Just think something along the lines of "I'll never see these people ever again, so what the hell?" If you end up acting like an idiot, shrug it off and tell yourself something along the lines of "I'll never see these people ever again, so what the hell?" Repeat as needed.

[LeoXiao]

Glad to read your response guys.
Honestly, I've heard practically everything that has been said before (more or less) at some point, but this

That's what I mean when I say that there isn't really a trick to social interaction. Each person handles it slightly differently, and in my experience, the people that have the hardest time interacting are the people that over-complicate or over-think the act of interacting.

is pretty much that way it seems to be. I guess I'll just have to give some more effort period rather than over-thinking my situation.

The thread seemed to have been unnecessary, but thanks anyway.

[Allemann]

Just don't go into binge drinking, okay?

[Baz]

That's what I mean when I say that there isn't really a trick to social interaction. Each person handles it slightly differently, and in my experience, the people that have the hardest time interacting are the people that over-complicate or over-think the act of interacting.

What this says, really, is just that interaction is easier for people with confidence. That by itself isn't much advice. Confidence comes from 1) practice and 2) focus. Focus, in social situations, means consciously focusing outwards, on the people you are with, and worrying less about your own words and actions. Practice is something you can do partly on your own, for example when you are doing your hobbies, work, etc. in your day-to-day life, you can get an internal dialog going with an imaginary "conversation partner" and think about how you would describe your hobbies in an interesting way.

I honestly think that most introverts have their own "thought language" that works well for them, but has to be translated into "human language" when they speak. So it never hurts to dedicate lots of time to thinking conversationally, just as practice. You must already be doing this, though, or you never would have been able to learn German.

[GVman]

you can get an internal dialog going with an imaginary "conversation partner" and think about how you would describe your hobbies in an interesting way.

This. I actually started doing this pretending when I was little, but later I did it just out of a need to have some form of social stimulation, whether real or imaginary. In the long run, while I thought I was a loser for doing it, it really, really helped me be better at talking to people. It also helped me get over my stuttering problem. Do it when you're walking somewhere or doing something that doesn't require the whole of your brain.