Potential fanfiction

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glitz2hard
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Potential fanfiction

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Postby glitz2hard » Thu Aug 27, 2020 7:42 pm

If a fanfiction opened with this, would you guys read it (or be interested, at the very least)? HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING. I'm not asking you to pledge to me you'll read it or anything. This might be the ending, IDK.

The sky is red, like the water. Shinji is on the beach, gazing at starlight, with Asuka beside him. The rolling waves, laced with sea foam, and the cushioning sand sooth his aching mind. He’s at peace for the first time in days, maybe weeks. The hours of trauma and abuse wash off him, down the shore, and into the tide. Seeking warmth, Asuka lets Shinji pull her closer, and they look towards the sea. The moon and stars twinkle and dance upon the water, making the world appear beautiful once again. Just for a moment, he glimpses a girl, a girl he knew very well and who loved him dearly. She’s smiling at him for the last time. In that moment, their eyes meet, and they both understand they have to part ways. Swimming in bittersweet, he lies back down, reminded of those he lost. But before he falls asleep, he’s comforted by Rei, who’s singing him a familiar tune;
“Fly me to the moon, and let me play amongst the stars...”

Is this interesting? I just whipped it up while making a different post on this here forum, and thought maybe some short, scenery-porn fanfiction would be interesting to write, considering EoE makes me insanely sentimental.

Please don't be afraid to just demolish this. Tear it apart, line by line, like a monster. I am grasping for critique
Last edited by glitz2hard on Fri Aug 28, 2020 7:02 am, edited 2 times in total.
why can't anybody write a fanfiction without bad grammar and words they clearly don't understand

The Eva Monkey
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Re: Potential fanfiction

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Postby The Eva Monkey » Thu Aug 27, 2020 11:11 pm

View Original Postglitz2hard wrote:Tear it apart, line by line, like a monster. I am grasping for critique

I'm just not a big reader of fan fiction, so whether it hooks me in is kind of irrelevant, but one thing to touch on that jumped out to me immediately was flow specifically. Too many commas, too many short fragments. It's almost like if you took a poem and then crushed down into a single paragraph. It just doesn't read well, it doesn't flow well. I think that's an important skill to have as a narrative writer because if it flows well then it doesn't fatigue the reader. Every time you hit a comma or period, it kind of stops or slows the reader down, and that can be tiring or disruptive.

Otherwise, I think the general approach or feel is perfectly serviceable. You should probably expand a bit further outward, maybe like your first 1200-1600 words, something akin to a prologue or chapter 1, revise it a few times, and then share it around a bit to see if it resonates with folks.
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Re: Potential fanfiction

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Postby Derantor » Fri Aug 28, 2020 6:24 am

Yepp, what Evamonkey said. I don't mind the commata, but I guess that's a matter of taste. It's hard to judge something by just a few words, so just keep writing!

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Re: Potential fanfiction

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Postby glitz2hard » Fri Aug 28, 2020 7:02 am

View Original PostDerantor wrote:Yepp, what Evamonkey said. I don't mind the commata, but I guess that's a matter of taste. It's hard to judge something by just a few words, so just keep writing!


View Original PostThe Eva Monkey wrote:I'm just not a big reader of fan fiction, so whether it hooks me in is kind of irrelevant, but one thing to touch on that jumped out to me immediately was flow specifically. Too many commas, too many short fragments. It's almost like if you took a poem and then crushed down into a single paragraph. It just doesn't read well, it doesn't flow well.


i will! i removed some unnecessary commas and changed a phrase or two for readability
also this is probably gonna be some shitty imagery-heavy prose
why can't anybody write a fanfiction without bad grammar and words they clearly don't understand


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