Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion

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Postby UrsusArctos » Sun Nov 03, 2013 3:56 am

Things looked bleak for Shinji and company as the Evil Mana Kirishima laughed away and prepared to blow the Eva cast to bits.

But then - a miracle happened!

The clouds parted and a great blast of golden light came from the heavens. In front of them, standing on top of a Leman Russ tank, was Shinji Ikari.

Not the gentle, quiet, ordinary Shinji of NGE, but a Shinji unlike any they had ever seen!

His face was grim and hard, having witnessed many terrible battles and having been subject to injury time and time again. His eyes had a glint like fire in them. His hair grew long and extended into a monstrous, eight-foot-tall suit of golden power armor covered in golden emblems and symbols of power. Wordlessly, he lifted a flaming sword high over his head as if to challenge the opposing tank forces.

It was Shinji, the God-Emperor of Mankind.

Pen-Pen said, "What would you know...?"

Mana Kirishima said, "Well, it seems like Shinji and Warhammer 40K spreads its corrupting influence far and wide. What plot of Tzeentzch could have made this happen? Anyway, that's quite inconsequential! Time to put this sucker back in his own fanfiction!" She grinned evilly and bellowed, "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!!!"

The tank crews immediately turned their vehicles to face Shinji, God-Emperor of Mankind.

"KILL MAIM BURN!!! KILL MAIM BURN!!!" The animals chanted.

Shinji (the one we know) said, "Erm...this is confusing, isn't it?"

Asuka grabbed his hand. "Don't wait to be confused - just run!"

Mana Kirishima aimed all the guns of the Ratte at God-Emperor Shinji. "Pity therez never enuff dakka!" she said.

More explosions and machine-gun fire followed than onomatoepeia could possibly fit on this page, and the Eva cast hopped into their bus and fled for their lives. The blasting and shooting continued, punctuated by screams of "WAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!" but nobody knew what was going on amidst the carnage behind.

"Those tanks seem to have lasted unusually long!" Toji said.

"Yeah, you bet they would...it'd be sheer animal cruelty to get rid of them!" Hikari said.

Kensuke sniffed. "Those poor, poor, tanks. What would the machine spirits inside them feel like? I would love to ride one of those beauties off into the sunset and into a museum, where generations of mankind would gaze upon them forever!"

The sun was indeed setting, and it had been a very, very long day for them. In fact, it felt more like a week.

Ritsuko said, "Thank god for the Deus Ex Machina plot device. Hey, what's that strange town coming up in front of us? I didn't see it a minute ago!"

The town was empty, full of large but ramshackle houses. A sign near the entrance said "Eternal Halloween." It was a bizarre place to be, indeed.

What new dangers have the crew headed into? Will the grace of the God-Emperor of Mankind save them? What will happen next? Find out when TTWA returns!!
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You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
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Postby Squigsquasher » Sun Nov 03, 2013 9:28 am

This is now officially the greatest thing ever made.

I salute you, oh great artillery bear.
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Postby UrsusArctos » Mon Nov 04, 2013 11:38 am

Ritsuko brought her bus to a halt in the middle of main street. The town of Eternal Halloween was quiet and very, very creepy. Wind whistled through the gnarled old trees. The cemetery looked suitably creepy in the moonlight. All the houses were deserted and very creepy looking.

"I...I think we've entered a ghost town!" Shinji said.

Pen-Pen said, "Hey, it was Halloween last week!"

Hikari said, "That sign said 'Eternal Halloween', so that means..."

There was an awful moaning in front of them, and Shinji and Pen-Pen screamed, with Pen-Pen jumping on top of Shinji's head. Ritsuko was about to back the bus when the engine died on them.

Hyuga asked, "What now...?"

At that, a grease-covered little gremlin leapt out of the engine, laughing and cackling maniacally. Shinji and Pen-Pen yelled again while the others gawked.

"What in the name of biology was that?" Ritsuko Akagi asked, stepping out along with the adults.

Shinji said, "You step out, I and Pen-Pen will stay in the bus..."

At that moment, a bat with glowing red eyes entered the bus and flew around inside, screeching. Shinji and Pen-Pen jumped out yelling again.

"I feel like I'm in a Scooby-Doo cartoon." Toji said. "What's with all these bats and owls hovering up there?"

"What's that funny light?" Kensuke asked. A strange greenish-white light was floating around the tombstones in the cemetery.

Rei looked around, and said in a deadpan voice, "I see dead people."

"Yuutosei, your name is not M. Night Shyamalan, so please cut out the cheesy one-liners!" Asuka said.

Without warning, an awful figure, long-haired, clad in white, appeared in front of them, wailing at the top of her voice.

"Aaaaah!" Shinji screamed, "It's a Banshee!"

A number of white ghosts in sheets popped up around them, raising their translucent arms, wailing and moaning. The entire gang yelled in horror - except for Rei. And then, the green light glowed brightly and zombies rose from their graves. Cackling ghouls and gargoyles emerged, and the bats and owls hooted and descended lower.

"It's a trap!" Kyoko said.

"Nice spotting, mom!" Asuka said.

Soon, ghosts, zombies, ghouls, wraiths and spirits of every description surrounded the Eva gang. There seemed to be no escape.

And then emerged the leader of the spirits!

"Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, Gunpowder treason and plot..."

"Who's that?" Toji asked.

"...I see no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot."

A figure clad head to toe in black - black tunic, black trousers, black gloves, black cloak, black hat - emerged in front of them. His face was hidden by a strange white mask with a pencil-thin mustache.

"Verily, it is I, the veritable voice of vicious vindication and vindictive vivified verbiage, the one and only V! These spirits you see amongst you are the lost souls of those who were cast aside in their veritable quest for seeking vivification out of the vacuous verbiage of Evangelion! And now their quest is at a vertiable end!" said V.

At that, the ghosts and spirits of Evangelion speculators of ages, who had struggled for so long to find meaning within the show, advanced upon its cast.

"We're in trouble." Shinji said, his teeth chattering. V's eyes glowed evilly behind his mask.

Pen-Pen said, "We need the God-Emperor of Mankind to help us again!"

He was answered, to his surprise, by Rei. "We don't need any Gods to put these ghouls in place." Rei cracked her pale knuckles and smiled, her red eyes glinting in the ghostly light.
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Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Postby Squigsquasher » Mon Nov 04, 2013 2:09 pm

2spooky4me!

What we need now is a horror movie monster pileup battle. Freddy Krueger battles Leatherface, who in turn duels Jason Vorhees, who is fighting Sadako, and so on....
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Postby UrsusArctos » Tue Nov 05, 2013 8:42 am

V promptly raised his hands and began to summon ghosts and spirits. "Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, gunpowder treason and plot..."

Everyone except Rei yelled in alarm as ghosts and spirits hovered around them. Shinji said, "I can't move my arms any longer! He's casting a spell on us!" Even Pen-Pen, it turned out, wasn't immune to ghosts and spirits binding them. V laughed evilly as he continued his sorcerous summoning.

"Verily, you will all be taken to the underworld, to the land of misfit posters and rampant speculators where BrikHaus once cast me! Verily, thou shalt know the meaning of ultimate suffering!" V said. "You shall be possessed by these ghosts, and you shall be made to dance like Bengali Forest Ghosts for all eternity, knowing the pain that we have had trying to analyze your characters and make them fit our misconceptions! Verily!!!!"

Orbs of green energy floated around the unfortunate Eva cast as they were prepared for the ultimate evil.

"My first curse: I interview an English dub cast member and stalk her entourage all around!"

Bolts of green energy emerged from V's mouth and hovered around the Eva cast. The ghosts and ghouls danced around. Demonic bats flew in circles above their heads. V continued with his curses.

"I make up a fansite that is dominated and controlled by me and me alone! This is the law! Are we not men?"

More green energy shot out of V's mouth and swirled around the Eva cast. Even more ghouls danced. V was so, so fixated on the looks of fear and terror in the group that he ignored Rei, biding her time, at the very back.

"I write pages and pages of misconception-filled and highly disorganized prose that goes overboard in physical description and then arbitrarily controls content!"

Even more evil energy swirled around them.

"I do not know a word of Japanese but I will go on with Eva without a single accurate translation!"

Vampires grinned exposing their fangs, and ghouls licked their claws. Skeletons rattled and danced and zombies moaned in pleasure.

"I intend to be the fan who makes the Live Action Evangelion Movie possible, and I want people to bow down before me as I alone make great companies bow to my worldview!"

V's mask glowed a nightmarish green. As the ghosts and ghouls and zombies moved in and the Banshee wailed, a single voice rang out clearly in the darkness.

"We don't need you!"

It was Rei Ayanami, and her words caused her to be enveloped in a Halo of light. Beams of golden light shot out of her like flames from the Lost Ark, and like the unfortunate Nazis who had opened it, the ghosts were shot straight through and impaled. V screamed in pain. Those ghosts and zombies that were not instantly disintegrated ran away howling in agony.

Rei repeated, "We don't need you to tell us who we are or fit us into your misconceptions."

And at that moment, a voice rang out from the rooftops. A blue-haired figure stood, silhouetted against the moon.
"Oh oh oh oh oh oh!!! A response fitting for the Dai-Gurren-Dan! My little blue-haired sister, I am proud of you! And the rest of you guys - snap out of it, you morons and follow her lead! You don't need me to help you out this time!"

With a flash of spiral energy, Kamina vanished into hyperspace.

V knew fear now - real fear. And then Asuka took after Rei and spoke up, breaking V's spell at once.
"I am not my dub cast member!!!"

A blast of energy emerged from Asuka's lips as she spoke, and the ghosts and ghouls reeled. The few surviving zombies lost their remaining body parts. V, hit in the mask, staggered backwards.

"Rebuild of Evangelion Three-Point-Zero Post-Third-Impact Timeskip strike!" Misato yelled, raising her hand in the manner of a sailor senshi and bringing it down. This mighty attack dispelled ghosts, blew away bats, and turned the few surviving zombies to ash. The Banshee tried to leave with a couple of vampiric bats, but landed up getting zapped for her troubles.

Ritsuko, Hyuga, Aoba and Maya shouted, "Accurate translation attack!" Blasts of energy shaped like Japanese characters flowed around V's head. The supernatural entities were annihilated, and all that remained was V.

Kyoko and Toji's mother shouted, "You're not an anarchist, you're just a dictator and a pervert!"

That hit V with a blast that singed his clothes and left him smoking. He tried to speak, but no words would come. He had been silenced.

Pen-Pen, Shinji, Toji and Kensuke looked at each other and said, as one, "Let's do this!"

V tried to move, but the last attack had paralyzed him and rooted him to the spot.

"We all exist no matter what you think of us or what you want us to be! We aren't your interpretations or your misconceptions! We are what we are, and we'll create our future with our own hands, together as friends, free from tyrants like you! The future we want is not the future you shall hand down to us! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!!"

And at that, V was utterly annihilated and a huge cloud of spiral energy shot out from the cast. The entire town was leveled and reduced to heaps of kindling. Nothing remained.

"We're ghost-free now." Rei said, smiling.
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Postby Agentomega » Tue Nov 05, 2013 11:30 am

:lol: I see what you did there.
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Postby Squigsquasher » Tue Nov 05, 2013 1:32 pm

Awesome as usual. Keep it up!
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Postby UrsusArctos » Wed Jun 25, 2014 11:30 am

(Back after a long break)

When everyone walked out of the now ghost-free town, a large cat-like figure hanging itself from a spooky halloween-style haunted castle said, "Be careful on the way ahead. Public Security doesn't want any intruders here."

"W...who are you? It's so long after halloween!" Shinji said.

"My name is SPOOKY BOOGIE!" said the figure. "Whatever you do, don't let your Psycho-Pass get clouded!"

"That's a funny way to say it." Toji said, and they walked on.

"What's a Psycho-Pass?" Pen-Pen asked.

They continued walking on through the night. They came upon a strange city that spiraled upwards and upwards towards a giant building on the top.

"Where is everybody?" Misato asked.

"I don't know." Kensuke said. "It's time we sleep."

The whole lot of them camped in the building and went off to sleep. They were awoken the next morning by an alarm ringing and thousands of students charging towards the building.

Shinji went, "Uh, what....?"

A ditzy-looking girl ran past him saying, "Today is no-Chikoku day! Aaaah!"

Everyone looked around in the middle of the chaotic rush.

"Why do some uniforms have stars on them?" Kensuke asked.

It was at that moment they heard a very familiar voice yell, "Moon Prism Power, Make Up!"

"We're in trouble." Shinji said.

Without warning, the five Sailor Senshi materialized around them.

Misato said, "Okay, we're in the middle of some kind of school, the five of you have turned up again, and you're about to say 'In the Name of the Moon, I will punish you", right? Do you mind if we take the fight elsewhere?"

"In the name of civic sense, we'll continue the fight outside the school, of course!" Sailor Moon said.

"It won't be a fight. It'll be a whipping." Kensuke said, ruefully.

Hikari said, "Hey! Ever since when did you get so tall and so slender! Ever since when did you start wearing lipstick?"

Misato said, "She's right! Why does your hair look so poofy? It's less like Odango and more like...a wig!"

The Senshi looked horrifically embarrassed.

The situation changed when they heard a thundering male voice. "Intruders in Honnoji Academy! Disciplinary committee to the ready!"

And after that came a thundering female voice and brilliant, sun-like light. "No, Gamagori. Let us give them a proper finish."

Shinji raised his hands to shield himself from the light. Out of hidden speakers all around the compound, thundering, bombastic music began to play. The speaker, standing on top of a giant tower at one end of the arena-like school, radiated light so bright she was almost impossible to see.

"You five may be princesses in your world, but in this world, this Honnoji Academy is my kingdom, and now you shall have to face me and my lieutenants! Neither powder compacts, nor makeup, nor any of those perverse uniforms shall stop me!"

Shinji finally managed to see the figure - a tall girl with long, black hair in a white uniform, her sword planted firmly on the ground.

"Fear is freedom! Control is liberty! Contradiction is truth! This is the reality of the world! Listen well, you pigs in human clothing, and surrender to that reality! I, President of the Honnoji Academy, Satsuki Kiryuin, will show you the meanings of power and fear!"

Pen-Pen and Shinji quivered in their shoes as the five Senshi faced off against Satsuki and the Elite Four.
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Postby BobBQ » Thu Jun 26, 2014 1:13 pm

Satsuki's the last person to complain about perverse uniforms.

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Postby UrsusArctos » Thu Jun 26, 2014 10:27 pm

View Original PostBobBQ wrote:Satsuki's the last person to complain about perverse uniforms.


Long time no see, commissar. The way I look at it, Satsuki would complain about perverse uniforms while refusing to call Junketsu's transformation depraved because she doesn't care about what others think about her - while the obviously pretty Sailor uniforms are meant to enhance the beauty of the wearer.
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Postby UrsusArctos » Mon Jul 07, 2014 4:32 am

And then the fic exploded, because the Anti-Spiral king pressed the reset button.

The end.
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Re: Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion

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Postby UrsusArctos » Thu Apr 30, 2020 12:34 am

Gendo whacked the Anti-Spiral over the head and brought the fic back with the power of SCIENCE!

Fuyutsuki said, "It's been six years now."
Gendo said, "I feel old."
Fuyu said, "Not as old as we'll be when Thrice Upon a Time comes out."
Gendo said "Mmm-hmm."
"And our voice actors will be aging too. Mine was old enough. It didn't help that I'd gone bald in that awful movie to match his aging."
"Mmm-hmm."
"Is that all you can say, Ikari?"
"Mmm-hmm."
Fuyu sighed and said, "2020 is nothing like what we thought it'd be. A pandemic, too? Seriously?"
Gendo said, "A good reason to bring this back and finish the fight."
"Don't go all Halo 2 ending on me, Ikari. You were too old to play that game even when it was released." Fuyu said.
"Whatever. Nevertheless, the fic proceeds where it left off." Gendo said.

Satsuki Kiryuin said, "I'll conquer the world for my mother, the great Ragyo Kiryuin! All the world shall bow to the power of REVOCS and we'll be invincible once and for all! Not even that gold-toothed crab-piloting bum in the Kansai region could stand up to my might!"

With a boom, four giant robots appeared, with their terrifying pilots on top of them: a giant frog-gorilla robot, with the great Ira Gamagori atop it! A mighty monkey robot, manned by the magnificent martial arts master Uzu Sanageyama! A deviously devilish digitized dogfighting dog robot, with Hota Inumuta directing the device. And Satsuki's right-hand woman, Nonon Jakuzure, slithered her serpentine snake sonic rocker robot to the forefront.

Pen-Pen said, "It's about time this fic headed somewhere! But do you have to start out like this? We're doomed and we need a Deus Ex Machina to get us out!"
Toji said, "Four versus two? I wish we had something to even the odds. It ain't hopeless, but we'll give them hell..."
A familiar-looking young woman with brown hair walked up out of nowhere and said, "Hell, any place can be heaven if you wanna live big! And we'll even the odds!"
Shinji stared at her. "Wait a moment. Are you Rei's big sister or something?"
"Uhmmm...something like that, I guess? Yui Ikari, pleased to meet you!" the young woman said, with a smile.
"Anta Baka? She's your MOM, you moron!" Asuka yelled.
"MOM?" Shinji's jaw fell open. It didn't stay down for long, because the two Eva transporters were joined by two new Eva transporters - one carrying a blue Eva with one red eye, the other carrying a horned purple Eva with green highlights.

"Shinji , honey, there's a lot to explain, but I don't have the time. Let's get inside the Eva. That's Eva-01, and she's a bit of a beast to handle." Yui said.
Rei said, "If you're going into Eva-01, who's going into my Eva-00 with me?"
A strange cylindrical capsule landed in front of Rei, as if in answer. It opened up and a small Rei in a pink dress stepped out.
Rei 1 said, "You were asking,see? Say, youse better get in da Eva, sistah, see? Myeah."
Everyone - EVERYONE - except Rei 1 and Rei (2) blinked.

Sailor Venus said, "Guys, your giant robot fight hasn't even begun and it's weirding us out already. Do you mind if we..."
Rei 1 said, "Say, sure, feel free to sit this one out, but stay where we's can see ya, 'cause the real action ain't far away, see?"

Rei 2 and the gangster-talking Rei 1 grinned with delight.

More to come after this little teaser...
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Re: Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion

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Postby UrsusArctos » Wed May 06, 2020 12:21 am

The four Evas faced off against the four Devas and their "uniforms". Toji and his mom stood in front of Sanageyama's mountain monkey. Asuka and Kyoko faced off against Inumuta's diabolical dog. The two Reis faced off Jakuzure's snake. And that left Shinji (teeth chattering) facing Gamagori's frog-gorilla.

Ragyo Kiryuin, in her office of fibrous fiendishness, sipped tea while videoconferencing with Gendo and Fuyutsuki, both of whom were in Gendo's office of doom and dread.
"You've knocked off my office layout." Gendo said.
"Says the most incompetent bad dad in all of anime history." Ragyo said.
"Your behavior with your daughter...or should I say, both daughters, is despicable." Gendo said.
"Now, now, those who live in glass officers mustn't throw stones." Ragyo said. "Besides, you'll be owing me a favor once this is all over."
"I suspect things will flip around sooner than you expect." Gendo said.
"The only things flipping around are those useless Angels of yours. Not one of them could bring down those meddling kids and hopelessly out-of-fashion Evangelions! And speaking of out of fashion, you need to do something about your hairstyle and that tacky uniform. And Fuyutsuki too - get someone sexier!" Ragyo said.
Fuyutsuki said, "Excuse me! I'm a very sexy man for my age!"
The conversation was interrupted by Nui Harime, who popped up behind Gendo with a huge smile on her face. Fuyutsuki recoiled at Nui's sheer creepiness, but Gendo was as impassive as ever.
Gendo said, "Unnecessary."
Ragyo harrumphed and said, "You don't even have what it takes to be evil, little Gendo!"
Gendo said, "I toss down the gauntlet...I mean, cup." He put own a Nerv coffee mug that said "Worst anime dad."
Ragyo turned around her teacup, to show that it read "Worst anime mom."
Both of them said, "May the worst parent win."


Meanwhile, the four Evas continued to face off against their opposite numbers.
Inumuta said, "I calculate your probability of victory is 0.0000001%. I'm not even sure I'll get good data out of our fight."
Asuka said,"I don't care about your calculations, 'cause like that Simon guy says, as long as it's not zero, it might as well be a hundred percent!"
Kyoko said, "As a Ph.D in theoretical mathematical biology, I'm gonna school you!"

Sanageyama said, "You handle those tonfa pretty well, but my Shingantsu allows me to anticipate your every move!"
Toji said, "Bring it on, monkey bro!"

Jakuzure said, "Prepare to be cheerfully and musically decibel-blasted out of existence!"
Rei 1 said, "Say, that'sh the problem with you, see? Snakesh only hear infrasound, see? You're gonna be tone-deaf in this punch-up, see? Myeah!"
Jakuzure snorted, "I'll get you for that, you dirty little gangster!"

Gamagori thundered, "Shinji IKARRRRIIIII!!!!! I'll pound your arrrrrrrse out of existence with my whips! I'll Brrrrright Noah you into being a man! I'll Errrrmey you into being a soliderrrrrr! I'll rrrrrock and rrrrollll you into submission like NOOORRRRRRRIIIO WAKAMOTO rrrrrollls his RRrrrrrrrrrssss!!! Aaarrrrrrrrrrr!!!"
Shinji whimpered.
Yui said, "Disciplinary committee head, huh? No such thing. You're a bully and I'll beat the stuffing out of anyone who bullies my boy!"

Asuka and Inumuta opened up with a mutual barrage of spikes and missiles, shooting up into the air in their respective mecha to dogfight.
Asuka shifted the gears on her manual gearshift, and Eva-02 transformed mid-air into a fighter that looked like an F-14 Tomcat.
"I always wanted to do that!" Asuka said.
Kyoko said, "I feel the need..."
Both said, "...FOR SPEED!"

Sanageyama's monkey-mech went berserk, swinging a giant kendo sword at Eva-03, with Toji and his mom just barely blocking with their tonfas.
"MEN! DOU! KOTE! MENDOUKOTE MENDOUKOTE...!" Sanageyama chanted.
"You can't call that out unless you connect!" Toji's mom yelled.
"Who cares?" Sanageyama said, before resuming his call-outs.

Jakuzure tried to blast Rei with an amplified sonic attack of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, but Eva-00 whipped out a giant trombone from mid-air and responded by Jazzing it out.
"Say, you need to hear more Ornette Coleman, see? Myeah!" Rei 1 said.

Shinji shuddered as the frog-gorilla bot whipped out a pair of whips and readied to whip him good.
Yui said, "No, I'm the one who'll do the whipping, bully-boy!"
Last edited by UrsusArctos on Tue Jul 28, 2020 9:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
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Re: Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Mon Jul 27, 2020 12:42 pm

Even without following Kill la Kill, I can say this is absolutely ridiculous :lol:
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Re: Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion

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Postby UrsusArctos » Sun Aug 02, 2020 1:31 pm

High up in the air, Inumuta turned his "uniform" into what looked like a state-of-the-art F-35 stealth fighter but all the stealth or high technology in the world wouldn't work against the Eva-02 in its F-14 form. He struggled to calculate his Itano-circus style missile attacks against the flying Eva-02, but Asuka and Kyoko were spamming far too many missiles at him for him to handle.

"Had enough?" Asuka and Kyoko asked, together.

Inumuta said, "No way. This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening!"

"Neither Lelouche Lamperouge, nor Light Yagami, nor you, can take the full force of an endless barrage of missiles unleashed with the firepower of the Green Dragon!"' Asuka said.

"The fastest carrier of the Imperial Japanese Navy shall show you what speed means! HELL YEAH!!!!"

"MENDOUKOTEMENDOUKOTEMENDOUKOTEMENDOUKOTE..." went Sanageyama, as his own Eva-like kendo uniform rained endless blows on Eva-03, which wasn't giving up.

"You're getting monotonous, Monkey-kun!" Toji's mother said.

"Give up!" Sanageyama screeched, frustrated at being unable to exploit a single gap in Eva-03's defense with his Shingantsu. "Give up, give up! Give up giveupgiveupgiveup!!!"

"No chance, Monkey bro! Mom, let's do that!" Toji said.

"Yes, we'll do that!" Toji's mom said.

"Do what?" Sanageyama asked, growing exhausted with the withering barrage of attacks.

"Isn't it obvious?" Toji's mom asked.

Toji and his mom promptly crossed their arms, Gunbuster style, and said, "Eva-03 Tonfa Drill Mode, Activate!!!"

Eva-03 immediately went into the Gunbuster pose, almost lazily waving its Tonfas to deflect Sanageyama's increasingly desperate and ill-aimed blows.
And then its Tonfas turned into drills that chewed up Sanageyama's kendo sword! Sanageyama stared at the drilled-down remains of his sword.
"HELP! This isn't the first time this has happened! And how do I compensate for my wiener now?!?!?!"

Eva-03 grabbed Sanageyama's "mountain monkey" uniform and punched it hard, knocking it down. Toji and his mom continued the bashing until Sanageyama said, "Okay! I give up! I give up!"

Jakuzure was struggling to drown the classical Jazz selection from Eva-00 with her classical music and growing more and more off-tune as she did so.
"Say, you'sh getting a little tone-deaf here, see? Snakesh can't take it, see? Myeah." Rei 1 said.

Jakuzure snapped. "I'll fly high up and crush up from above, you dirty 1920s gangster wannabe you..."

But as Jakuzure's 'uniform' slithered up to the heavens, Eva-00 grabbed hold of its ankles and yanked it straight into the ground. It crashed through the ground, knocking Jakuzure into a mysterious room. The two Reis walked out of Eva-00 and went over the occupant of the mysterious room, a long-haired Asian gentleman in an expensive suit who was drinking Caol Ila whisky.

"Want to listen to some Ornette Coleman records? I've got the real classic stuff right here!" he said.

"Say, thanks, buddy!" said Rei 1.

Inumuta struggled to pull a 14-g turn against the next wave of missiles heading towards him, and his uniform promptly took one and unraveled. Inumuta came crashing down in a heap, and landed up in the same room with the two Reis and the Asian gentleman.

"Who' s he?"

Rei 1 said, "A punk who'sh come to face the music, see. He wouldn't be needing any of that stuff, see, not while he has these airplane-shaped birdies floating about his head, see?"

"I see."

Shinji figured out how to make Eva-01 run using the controls, and while the others were getting down and dirty, he was trying to avoid Gamagori's frog-gorilla-thingy.

Yui said, "Stop running, that bully is the other way!"

Shinji said, "If we can tire him out, we don't need to fight him."

"That's no use, he's getting stronger the more he runs."

Shinji stopped and Eva-01 stopped too. Shinji asked, "Stronger...?"

Gamagori growled and sent his whips forwards at Eva-01, but Yui grabbed them and pulled, dragging Gamagori's frog-gorilla to the ground with a hard smack. It was the moment that Gamagori had been waiting for.

"YEEEESSSSSSS, IKARRRRRRRRRIIII...." Gamagori said, getting up in his black uniform, which began to turn into a mummy-like thing.
Yui said, "You're gonna get it!"

Shinji softly said, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this thing..."

Yui crashed into Gamagori, but Gamagori stood firm and deployed a dozen tentacle-whips that grabbed hold of Eva-01 and whacked it all over, tossing Shinji and Yui about. One whip began to strike Eva-01's rear.

"Yessss, little Shinji! Feel the pain and punishment of the disciplinary committee!"

An angry Yui said, "Feel the pain of a very angry mom..."
Yui growled like an animal.

Shinji said, "Urm, if she's my mom this is getting a little..."

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR"

"...scary."

Eva-01 used its hands and its teeth to rip apart Gamagori's tentacle-whips.

Gamagori's uniform turned into an even larger mummy of bondage with even more flying tentacle-whips, but the now-berserk Eva-01 charged straight into him. Gamagori began to absorb the Eva in tentacles.

Right when it looked like the Eva was completely mummified, Eva-01 burst out with a wave of sheer rage that was unlike anything Gamagori had ever seen, shredding Gamagori's uniform to bits. Gamagori fell out, and Yui got out of the cockpit of Eva-01 and began to kick Gamagori in the rear.

"Ow! Lady, that's too painful to be...ow! To be pleasurable...ow! Ow! Ow!" Gamagori said, as each kick whacked his big butt.

A grey-haired half-Japanese half-German gentleman with mismatched eyes(one brown, one blue) in a white suit came up from nobody-knew-where and watched.

"Good work, daughterrr!" he said, rolling his R's.

"Who...aaaah...are...ooowwwww....you...oooooh?!" asked the very pained Gamagori.

"I am the grrrrreat NORRRRRRIIIOOO IKARRRRIII! By my grrrrrrrandfatherrrrr Ichirrrroo Ikarrrrri and my fatherrrrrr Hajime Ikarrrrrrri, I will rrrrrrrip up yourrrrrr arrrrrsse forrrrrrrr hurrrrrrrting my grrrrrrandson!" Norio Ikari said, ominously smacking his great big cane against the palm of his hand.

Gamagori said, "Please, don't make my arse hurt any more! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!" He began sobbing.

Yui said, "Daddy, I think this glutton for punishment needs a little more!"

Norio said, "I think we'll leave that up to Shinji. Shinji, my boy, should we show him mercy?"

"Umm..."

"PLEASE!" Gamagori wailed.

Shinji walked around and kicked Gamagori's rear too.

"Oww-woo-woo!" squealed Gamagori. "You-got-me-in-the-family-jewels..."

"Now he's had enough, grandpa!" Shinji said.

The two Reis came out from underground, dragging along a punch-drunk Jakuzure, and the Soryus marched with Inumuta all tied up, and Toji and his mom arm-twisted a battered and bruised Sanageyama.

Satsuki Kiryuin advanced menacingly on them. "You four have disgraced me. It's time I do it myself and show what willpower is like!"

Norio Ikari stood in her way, "Young lady, you have no idea what you're dealing with here!"

Satsuki began to glow like the sun goddess as she planted her sword and started down Norio Ikari. Norio Ikari stood firm.
The two faced each other off.
And faced each other.
And faced each other.
And faced each other.
And faced each other.
And then Satsuki's black sword, Bakuzan, broke into little pieces with a sound like glass breaking, leaving Satsuki holding only the handle.

Satsuki's light stopped shining and she seemed to wilt.

"You've beaten me, venerable sir." she said.

Norio Ikari pulled out a dainty silk handkerchief and mopped his forehead. "You're a formidable young lady, Miss Kiryuin, and if you and your disciplinary committee members reformed yourself we'd be glad to consider you friends."

"So be it. Allow us to join your cause!" Satsuki said.

Norio said, "Agreed."

Satsuki bowed.

Norio said, "Goooood! Shinji, my lad, it's time to get a move on! Let's give that lousy dad of yours a proper whacking!"

--------------
Meanwhile, in two evil offices of doom and fiendishness -

Ragyo stared in disbelief. "Who's that old man and how did he do it?"

Nui said, "I'd like to go out and fight him!"

Ragyo shook her head. "No, we'll go out together. This is dangerous."

Fuyutsuki looked at Gendo, who was in his usual pose but had turned as white as a sheet.

"That's your angry father-in-law, Ikari. You deal with him." Fuyutsuki said, calmly activating a teleportation device and disappearing.
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Re: Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion

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Postby UrsusArctos » Mon Aug 03, 2020 1:57 am

Edited this post with a little interquel -

Pen-Pen said, "Wark! I've had awfully little to do lately. You'd think that a fic called Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion would feature more Penguin in it and less of a gazillion different people getting together!"

Haruka Tenoh said, "You're speaking for us too... what's a Sailor Senshi meant to do in the middle of all this looniness?"

Michiru Kaioh pulled out her violin. "Maybe I could play a little something for us."

Shigeru Aoba said, "Hmm, maybe I could try playing the guitar, a little classical accompaniment? I've got to admit though, my acoustic guitar skills are getting rusty after all the time I've been putting on that Stratocaster..."

The musical discussion was punctuated by explosions in the distance as the Evas fought the robot 'uniforms' of Satsuki's minions.

Diana said, "Whoever's writing his nonsense doesn't give a kitten much to do!" Diana kept prodding and poking Luna and Artemis, both of whom were very, very bored.

A set of shadows appeared, and the towering forms of the Angels turned up in the vicinity. And a new cloud of dust announced the arrival of Mana Kirishima with her Ratte and the entire set of German tanks that were crewed by animals.

Kensuke drooled as he gazed through his binoculars. "Ooooh, they survived the attack of the God-Emperor! They're here! Those beautiful German war machines, the slope of the armor, the design of those muzzle brakes...!"

Hikari yelled, "Aida, you're nuts! We have no Evas, we need you and your toys to keep them off us!"

Ritsuko said, "We Rickrolled the brains out of them the last time we ran into them, so I don't see the point in them coming back to attack us..."

Maya pulled up another set of field glasses. "Nope, they actually appear to be kind of bored. Those tanks aren't pointing their guns this way either. And those animals are bored. I see Nerv hovercraft coming in too, but they're not actually armed or anything."

Kaworu Nagisa hovered up, smiling. "Pleased to meet you, I'm Kaworu Nagisa!"

"Ah, the Final Messenger. I figured we'd run into you somewhere along the line..." Ritsuko said.

"...I hope you don't mind if my kids and our guests watch the carnage?"

"Uh...of course not..." Ritsuko said. Maya mouthed, "Kids?"

"This is awkward..." Pen-Pen said.

Minako Aino looked at Kaworu with hearts in her eyes. "Ooh, he's a cutie..."

"A cutie with a lot of bored children, I must say." Kaworu said.

The other Senshi took a single took at Kaworu's "children" and crossed their arms in front of them in a "DO NOT WANT" pose.

Hyuga said, "Wait a moment. So you're bored. The Nerv pilot-pigs are bored..."

Misato said, "And I'm bored too, where's a beer when you need one..."

Maya heard her computer beep and stared at her screen. "No way, this is incredible."

Ritsuko stared at it. "What? No. How could it be at 895709?"

Maya said, "And it was 895623 in the morning!"

"What are you talking about?" Leliel asked, floating over.

"The page views for this fic. They're impossibly high to begin with - 895708 for 55 posts is like 16000 views per post...that's an error, isn't it?" Ritsuko asked.

Maya said, "I'd have to break the 4th wall to find out and I'm not sure. How did Ursus manage this?"

"I'd ask the Asian gentleman over there..." Ritsuko said, but Leliel let out a whoop and went to the other Angels. "Hey guys, WE'RE POPULAR NOW!!!"

"Wat? Don't tell me dese louses wanna like us now?" Zeruel said.

Arael said, "Oooh, I would love to know what they're thinkin' about us!"

Gaghiel said, "Don't think about it, birdy-wirdy, or I'm gonna splash you..."

Sandalphon said, "Don't mess with my favorite big sister, you..."

Kaworu said, "Knock it off, kids. Hmm, we seem to have an interesting phenomenon at hand!"

One of Gendo's pig-human hybrids said, "So wait, our flying exploits are being featured?"

The commander of the Jagdpanther said, "More like people know about stories we feature in...which probably ain't the same thing."

Mana Kirishima got a cup of tea from a black rat and said, "Yeah, you're right. That ain't the same thing."

"Don't tell me you're on our side after all..." Hikari said.

"I'm on your side, you ridiculous class rep! I've always been!" Mana said, sipping her tea.

"But those guys..." Hikari pointed at the Angels.

"Communication problems, my dear class rep!" Kaworu said.

Ami and Maya stared at the computer together. Ami said, "Okay, we're either very famous or everything here's total nonsense. What do we do?"

At that point, a Star Trek-style transporter effect activated, and Wojtek the Soldier Bear appeared in the full uniform of a Polish General.

"What the...a soldier bear!?" Pen-Pen said.

"Yes, indeed - it is distinguished Polish soldier bear. Drinks Wodka, eats cigarettes, arm-wrestles, carries artillery shells and beats up evil fascist invaders! Have job for heroic Penguin, straight from Ursus!" said Wojtek, handing Pen-Pen a sheet of papers.

Pen-Pen read them and went, "Wait, so Ursus actually knows what he's doing?"

"Indeed. And now, mighty solider bear teleports to fight the fascist enemy on a different world!" Wojtek vanished in yet another transporter beam.

Pen-Pen flipped through the pages. "Y'know, this might be crazy enough to actually work."

Makoto Kino said, "Tell that to the guy whose name means 'brown bear' or whatever."

"All right, listen up, all of you! I'm gonna need your help if all of you want to come out of this absolutely insane fic in one piece! I have a plan, and I'll be needing y'all to deal with it!" Pen-Pen said. At this point, a helmet belonging to a 4-star American General landed on his head and an American flag turned up right behind him. "The point of war is not to die for your country but make the sunavabitch on the other side die for his country! And we're gonna do just that!"

Pen-Pen explained Ursus's diabolical plan of doom to everyone, and they all blinked.

"No way, that's unbelievable..." Maya said.

Makoto Kino said, "But if it works..."

Makoto Hyuga finished her sentence "...we'll have a proper, sensible ending to all this!"

Misato said, "This isn't what Anno planned but I'm sure as hell willing to give this a go!"

"Like Simon said, if there's a non-zero chance of this working, it may as well be a hundred percent!" Pen-Pen said, still wearing his Patton-style helmet.

"But that throws math out of the window!" Ami Mizuno said, clearly annoyed.

"Who needs math? Sailor Pluto!" Usagi called out.

"Don't 'Sailor' me!" Setsuna Meioh walked over grumbling, "And here I am, my planet's been demoted and now the guy who turned Pluto into a 'dwarf planet' is off hunting for another planet..."

"Cheer up!" Usagi said, "You'll probably get to be the Senshi of the new 9th planet!"

"I wouldn't give up dear my little iceball for anything, Princess!" Setsuna said.

Pen-Pen said, "You can have both! Now, you've heard what I need you to do, and as sure as I'm a hot springs penguin, I'm gonna get this done..."

COMING UP -
Shinji and his friends face off against the fashionably fibrous fiendishness of Ragyo Kiryuin. Will they stand up to her and her vile grand couturier, Nui Harime? And what sinister scenario is Lordgendo scheming? :gendoscheme:
What can Fuyutsuki be up to? :fuyusnap:
What Penguinacious purposes do Pen-Pen's plotting serve? :penpenatf:
And will this fic have a proper end? :reiquiz:

All this and more, coming in future episodes of Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion!

:misato_service: - And of course, there'll be more saabisuu, saabisuu!
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Re: Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion

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Postby UrsusArctos » Sun Aug 09, 2020 8:41 am

"AAAAWARKWARKWARKWARKWARKWARK...the hundred whack construction montage of the Penguin Star!" Pen-Pen flew around whacking things with a wrench while the Engineer from TF2 quietly whacked way alongside.

"Slow and steady, don't be too hasty with 'em rockets." said the Engineer, clanging away with his wrench at a contraption of his own.

Setsuna shook her head. "So wait, what're you making?"

A red claptrap contraption shaped like a penguin with rocket engines for feet materialized in front of them.

"Well, ah've seen prettier things in mah time, but ah guess this is gonna work..." said the Engineer.

"All it needs is a name!" Pen-Pen said. "Umm... Uchuu Senkan Penguino! Galaxy WARK-press 999! Battlestar Penguinica! The USS Penguinprize! The Millennium Penguin!"

Setsuna said, "I'm not getting in that thing, we could become the next Apollo 13 and it's not like we have Gene Hackman running Mission Control in Houston..."

"Setsuna, you're a genius!" Pen-Pen said. "WARK-Pollo 13 it is!!!!"

Hotaru Tomoe said, "That looks like the sort of horror my dad would build, and I think we need a doctor on board pretty bad."

Ritsuko said, "Not me, I'm not stepping aboard that death-trap!"

The Engineer said, "Too bad, miss. Ah'm an Engineer, not a Doctor! I ain't no good at fixing up people or naming things or colorin' them, and ah guess ah'd best be somewhere far away before that thing lifts off. G'bye, ladies and gentlemen!" and teleported out.

"I wish he'd built that!" Maya said. "Hey, is there a reason it's all red? It's an eyesore!"

Michiru said, "You tell me about it."

Haruka said, "And you need a pilot! Like, the sky may be my thing and theoretical physics may be hers, but I'm a race car driver, not a rattletrap-spaceship pilot!"

Pen-Pen said, "The good ol' boy figured it for me. Da red ones are da speediest like da orkz say, and dis stuff from Anaheim Electronics will give us a pilot who makes everything go three times as fast..." Pen-Pen pushed buttons on the second contraption, which looked like it was somehow related to Rei's giant test-tube-thingies.

And out came a dashing, blond man in a business suit, wearing sunglasses that hid a scar between his eyes. "Uhhh...what happened? What is this place? I thought I was dropping Axis on the Earth..."

All the Sailor Senshi gawked at him with hearts in their eyes.

Even Maya said, "Even I've got to say he's a dish. But wait, ain't he familiar...?"

"Char Aznable, mi beltalowda!" Pen-Pen squawked. "Monsieur, kommen sie bitte. Te vagy a pilot...ace pilot! I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse!"

"Don't go Don Corleone on me, penguin." Char said. "I'm a mobile suit pilot. What do you think will make me pilot that ridiculous machine of yours?"

"I'm gonna time-travel to save Lara Sune and get Amuro Ray outta your way." Pen-Pen said.

"You're not serious."

"A. It's in the script. B. If you've been reading this fic since it started, you know it's absolutely ridiculous and anything good that can happen will happen!"

Aoba dourly said, "You've forgotten C. The cast list for this outrageously geeky fourth-wall breaking fic is starting to look like something out of the Legend of the Galactic Heroes..."

At that point, memetic redhead Siegfried Kircheis stepped out of the same machine. "Did someone say my name? Everything was always better when I was around..."

All the Sailor Senshi gawked at him too - and they seemed to have a hard time figuring out whom to gawk at more, the legendary young admiral or even more legendary ace pilot.

"Herr Kircheis, we're taking you to Valhalla where Lord Reinhard himself requires your presence - and the character list will grow a little larger before everyone bows out! As sure as my name is WARK-tor Strange, we're in the endgame now!" Pen-Pen said.

Hyuga cringed. "I hope Ursus isn't planning to dust half of us all..."

"He hit the fic reset button, remember?" Hotaru said.

"He ain't hittin' it now! Hotaru and Michiru, we'll need you on the ground. Haruka and Setsuna, you're with me and Char and Kircheis. First stop, Valhalla!" Pen-Pen said.

"Separate us?" Michiru asked.

"No way." Haruka said. "I'm staying by her side now that everything I can think of is going crazy, and I won't let her down!"

"Not for my sake, for Shinji's. And Usagi's. The kid needs his dad, and the princess needs a new Tuxedo Mask. And we need a moving farewell so that Sailor Star Dust gets to see you kiss - the gods know the poor girl hasn't had enough WAFF in ages!" Pen-Pen said.

Haruka and Michiru looked at each other, and at Pen-Pen, and nodded together. They knew what they had to do.

Haruka turned to Michiru and said, "Take care of yourself and the others. Do your best! I know you'll succeed."

"You too, dearest. Stay safe. Protect them. Come back, and make Shinji and Usagi happy." Michiru said.

Haruka and Michiru gazed deep into each others' eyes and kissed each other passionately, leaving everyone standing speechless.

"See you again in the New Era." Haruka said.

"May the New Era guide you." Michiru said.

Maya, her cheeks pink, said, "Ohhh, this is soooo romantic...I think I'm going to melt!" Entirely spontaneously, she grabbed Ritsuko and planted a huge smooch on her cheek.

Ritsuko said, "You've been..."

Maya said, "Always."

"I'm...I'm not the kind of person with a thing for girls...but I promise I'll be your friend and protector as long as I'm about and hammering the old keyboard."

Pen-Pen blew away all the romance by saying, "Valhalla, here we come!"

-----
A minute later, the red penguin-shaped rocket launched in a cloud of smoke, rising high above the madness that was due to come in the very next post.

"Fic, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the WARK-Pollo 13, it's five-minute mission to explore strange new worlds and new crazinations, to boldly go where no penguin has gone before..."

"I hate to break your romantic illusions, but this contraption is falling apart." Char said, pushing controls.

"It's good thing I'm around or things would've been worse." Kircheis said.

"You're taking those memes to your head, Kircheis!" Setsuna said.

Pen-Pen shouted, "Desu drive activate!"

The red Penguin-shaped heap of junk very nearly crash-landed in a cold, wintry wasteland. Outside the ship, a whole lot of angry, drunken Vikings, some in fur, some in mail armor, stared at it for a moment before going at each other with axes and swords and bludgeons and spears.

Kircheis stepped out. "It's cold!"

"You're telling me, pal. I'm used to a hot spring, not a glorified ice box!"

A handsome long-haired blond man in a ragged black uniform and wearing the tatters of what used to be a white cloak staggered forwards, followed by a grey-haired man with creepy blue artificial eyes who wore another equally ragged uniform and the tatters of a grey cloak.

"I recommend discretion, Your Majesty. I suspect a trap." the creepy man said.

"Oberstein, your recommendations are no use here! In the name of the Kaiser of the Galaxy, Reinhard von Lohengramm, I order you too..."

"Reinhard-sama!!!" Kircheis cried, knocking Pen-Pen over as he rushed forwards, arms outstretched.

Reinhard cried out "Kircheis!!!" and ran into Kircheis's arms.

Pen-Pen picked himself off the snow as Reinhard and Kircheis embraced each other romantically, roses dropping on top of them. Oberstein looked the other way, as unexpressive as ever.

"Great, from Yuri to Yaoi..." Pen Pen said. "...birdyofthemoongoddess, if you're still reading these forums, you now know that Ursus hasn't forgotten you...just don't ask for Inuyasha / Sesshomaru and be happy you've got the most famous Yaoi pairing all animu!"

Setsuna chuckled. Haruka pulled up her video camera and said, "Ami's going to love this."

Char muttered, "Can we leave this scene to the Takarazuka fans and get down to saving the girl I love, please?"

"You won't believe how terrible it's been, Kircheis!" Reinhard said. "I've been stuck with Oberstein and his plans and all that's around in Valhalla are these filthy, smelly, unwashed Vikings running around everywhere drinking mead and stabbing, slicing, hacking and bashing each other all day long! I've been massacred multiple times, and conquering this place isn't worth it!"

"Well, I'm here now, Lord Reinhard, and together we'll move out of this dreadful place. As long as you have me at your side, you'll be invincible."

Oberstein rolled his cybernetic eyes but showed no expression.

"And you, dear Penguin, have done me a great service. What may I do for you? Name it and it shall be yours!"

"Since I'm in need of a better starship, could I have the command codes for the decommissioned battleship Barbarossa on Odin?"

"You have them!" Reinhard said, and Oberstein actually made a face.

------------

Char Aznable took the battleship Barbarossa out of its dock and made it speed away from the rest of the Galactic Empire's ships at 3 times its regular speed.

"Penguin, you're a genius!" Char said.

"This beauty looks and handles like a Ferrari!" Haruka said, "Hell, I think I'm getting the hang of being a co-pilot!"

"And I've got to say those Imperials know how to make a starship look pretty! Marble columns!" Setsuna said.

Haruka said, "No way! According to the cargo loadout, there's a red imperial super convertible coupe in the cargo hold!"

"Well, I guess we're gonna get that baby put to good use. I'm plugging in the Desu drive and we're taking this baby to our next stop, the Evageeks Easter Special, written by BobBQ! We've got to break up a bar brawl that's been frozen in time for 12 years, and we've got to get hold of the guy who wrote it!" Pen-Pen said.

------------

A minute later, the mighty Barbarossa landed on a green field in the outskirts on the sprawling, decaying industrial city of Discussion, frozen in time since it had last been depicted 12 years in the past. A great boarding ramp dropped down and a bright red imperial sports car shot out.

Haruka gunned the throttle. "This is AWESOME!"

Char said, "Hahaha, you really know how to drive this baby!"

Haruka said, "Teach me how to fly a starship or a mobile suit three times faster, and I'll help you zip around corners in beauties like these three times faster!"

"That's a deal!" Char said.

Setsuna, in the back, said, "Whoa, going about like this sure messes up a girl's hairdo!"

Pen-Pen clutched his seatbelt to his chest and cowered, muttering "Please don't crash please don't crash please don't crash..."

"What's the matter back there? Don't you feel the throb of the engine?" Haruka grinned as she floored the throttle.

"Don't you go Yaranai-car on me, we're not in Ohtori...and don't swing around frozen vehicles like that!" Pen-Pen squawked. The traffic in Discussion, and the few rather sinister-looking people left on the sidewalks were all frozen in time. Their car was the only thing moving.

"The Two Rubles...that looks like the establishment over there." Haruka said.

"Huh, it looks like the sort of dive bar I'd go to on a bad day." Char said.

Setsuna said, "Let's hope that shady-looking place doesn't collapse on us once I get this place up to speed."

As the four of them got down. Haruka looked at her watch. "We're here in record time, thanks to my driving. You can thank me for it later."

Pen-Pen staggered straight into a figure in a fedora and a trenchcoat who'd been in the act of fleeing The Two Rubles.

Char said, "If this guy was running from a bar brawl, I'm not sure what we'll find inside. Newtype intuition tells me it won't be pretty."

Haruka said, "Sailor's intuition agrees with you."

Setsuna said, "Open the door, I'm going to have to do this slowly and precisely if we want to avoid a mess."

Char and Haruka kicked open the door together and were greeted with something weird even by the standards of this loony fic. There were a lot of armed patrons in the bar, and many of them were in the uniforms of private military contractors, having tossed off their overcoats. They were all pointing their weapons at the long bar.

At the bar, three cats, an unexpressive man in powered armor, a bartender with an automatic shotgun, and nine transforming forum members were all clumped up together in flashes of frozen light, apparently turning into characters from Team Fortress 2.

"They were transforming into their heroic forms and they were stopped in mid-transformation." Haruka said.

Pen-Pen said, "It was meant to be a cliffhanger, so nobody'd know what'd happen if they started shooting the place up...although, of course, the good guys were meant to win."

"We should stay outside when we unfreeze this place. I've been in crossfires before, and I know this is going to be vicious with so many weapons pointed at each other." Char said.

Haruka said, "Agreed. Char, Pen-Pen, get in the car. Setsuna, will you be alright?"

Setsuna held out her Garnet Orb. "I'll stay out of the way and do it slow and easy. Don't worry, I'll join you in one piece."

Setsuna's gradual unfreezing caused full-on mayhem to break loose. She came running, green hair flying in all directions, as a mercenary came flying through her a split-second after she ran out. Automatic weapons roared, explosions blew out the door and windows of The Two Rubles, and the wounded mercenaries who fell out of the windows flashed and vanished into nothingness. After the mayhem was over (and the street littered with glass and rubble) the four walked towards the remains of the doorway.

"Look." Char said. The broken-down ruins of Discussion seemed to grow in size and complexity, while further in the distance the great city of Rebuild grew in size and complexity. People passed them on the sidewalks in flashes of light as Discussion grew...and then things slowed down again and went for a while before it finally stopped, and the city, while still empty, was no longer the dilapidated mess it used to be.

Inside, the general mayhem had vanished and The Two Rubles turned into an empty space of sorts, with only a handful of EGF members still around.

Pen-Pen said, "Since October 2008, when this was last updated, the villains of the piece were either banished or made inactive, the rest of the forum grew and went its own way for the better or the worse, and it left this fic kind of like a time machine. So now, the Ruggedized Mil-Spec Defenders of Liberty and Justice don't really have anything to do."

BobBQ glared at the four newcomers. "Do you mind letting me know what you're doing in my old crappy fanfic that I barely want to remember?"

"We're looking for an Avtomat Korobov Tee-Kay-Bee Five-One-Seven chambered in plain vanilla seven-six-two-by-thirty-nine Soviet intermediate to replace a certain weapon that handles like wrestling a greased pig." Pen-Pen said.

Haruka and Setsuna looked at Char, but Char shrugged.

"Not the greatest of ideas, it could very well have had issues with the receiver stretching out like on the FAMAS." BobBQ said.

"It's for short-term use on a Jjaro space station that's trying to contain a mysterious eldritch abomination." Pen-Pen said.

"If you're going to help out whom I'm thinking of...well, why not?" BobBQ said, extending into hammerspace and pulling out the weapon in question and a box of ammo to go with it. "Compliments of Waffenfabrik Schmitt A.G. Tell Recon 54 to beware of low-flying defense drones...not that it's going to be of any use on Aye Mak Sicur, but it's the thought that counts."

Haruka said, "Excuse us, but we don't understand what all of this is about."

BobBQ shrugged and said, "Don't you worry, it'll all be obvious soon enough. Now do you folks mind letting me go back to my writing?"

---------------
Back on the Barbarossa, Pen-Pen said, "Alright, we've got a mad AI or two to deal with before we get to give Amuro and Char and Lara happy endings! Stay tuned for our next episode of Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion! And I know some of you are still reading this!!!"
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Re: Tengen Toppa WARK-angelion

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Sun Aug 09, 2020 3:01 pm

HaruMichi and RitsuMaya? My oh my, this fic is the gift that keeps on giving :lol:

And that Smith cameo! Ahahaha. Was also nice to see Wojtek the bear get some love~
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