End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

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Hopelessromantic
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End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

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Postby Hopelessromantic » Sun May 03, 2020 2:14 am

The first time I saw the movie End of Evangelion, I felt traumatized. The first clips of the movie I had the misfortune to come across were the hospital scene and the Third Impact. I’m still new to the whole Evangelion series, so there may be things I don’t understand. But what I do know is that after watching this movie, I honest to god wanted to kill myself.

This movie made me feel past traumas of my own that made me feel absolutely empty, worse than empty actually, as I couldn’t sleep for three nights and wept till my eyes hurt. At first glance, I couldn’t help but feel ashamed of my own mental illness considering how Shinji’s own triggered the apocalypse. I was under the impression that my Aspergers Syndrome would spell doom to all of those who I loved, which is exactly what I was bullied relentlessly for not too long ago. I know that Shinji isn’t real and I am. But Hideki Anno created Shinji to resonate with the audience so much he felt real.

I’m having a hard time telling the difference between Shinji and myself, truth and reality are seeming to blur. I wanted to forget about this memory so badly, that I often thought about taking my car out onto the freeway and crashing it at 130 mph. I know I’ll probably never forget about it no matter how hard I want to, which is why I still think about suicide. No other movie has made me feel this upset, and I’ve seen other movies like A Clockwork Orange and Reqiuem for a Dream which didn’t make me as nearly as upset as End of Evangelion. And I tried searching for the internet for an answer, but all I was came across we’re articles, videos, and other media that claimed how this movie was a happy ending.

I still feel it is far from it. I did my research on how everyone can come back from LCL and how Asuka caressing Shinji’s cheek means this or that, but they doesn’t excuse or being me mental relief on how this movie traumatized me. I went to others to help who knew about the movie, and they said I needed professional help. But I’m afraid to explain this to my therapist or my parents because I feel they’ll just tighten a leash around me figuratively speaking. Am I really so crazy that I’m missing the point entirely? Am I so abnormal that I am truly alone for thinking this way about End of Evangelion?

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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

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Postby kuribo-04 » Sun May 03, 2020 5:07 am

There is nothing abnormal about just feeling what you feel.

I also think Evangelion has a positive, though not necessarily happy ending. It acknowledges the hardships of live but hopefully looks to the future. I guess it makes many people feel they aren't alone.

Mental illnesses are nothing to be ashamed of. In fact it has merit to struggle with them and still go on. I think this is what I see in End of Eva.

I would recommend talking to a therapist, yeah. You can talk about anything with a therapist, and they will create an environment where you are comfortable. It has helped me a lot. I would also recommend distancing yourself from Eva if it makes you feel bad.

I'm sure you'll feel better. Take care of yourself.
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

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Postby Mr. Tines » Sun May 03, 2020 5:28 am

EoE is non-stop emotional bludgeoning. It's watching like one of those murder suicides where even the pets get battered to death -- only this one didn't have the suicide.

I still see it as a cautionary tale with a bad end, in deliberate contrast to the TV ending.
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

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Postby Derantor » Sun May 03, 2020 8:58 am

View Original PostHopelessromantic wrote:Am I really so crazy that I’m missing the point entirely? Am I so abnormal that I am truly alone for thinking this way about End of Evangelion?

No, you are neither abnormal, nor are you alone in your opinion. My reaction to the movie, although not so strong, was similar. I, too, fail to see most of the upsides and hope that people talk about. For me, EoE is at best a somewhat ambiguous ending which leans heavily towards the negative with some tiny bits of positivity sprinkled in, and at worst an accusatory, nihilistic and utterly pessimistic take on life with about the worst ending for its characters I can imagine.

The way I see it, EoE is a tale without any fixed answers. As it doesn't provide any fixed answers, it has no fixed point. To claim it is this or that at its core in any objective sense is therefore completely wrong. It can be something for you, but it isn't anything in an objective sense. So you do not need to feel ashamed and you are not crazy for missing the point, as the point isn't there to begin with. Your opinion on it is just as valid either way, whether you see it as an uplifting tale or a crushing, depressing exercise in futility, so you are totally free to love it or hate it, or anything in between.

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Postby Hopelessromantic » Sun May 03, 2020 7:14 pm

After having a nightmare a week ago that I was Shinji starting the Third Impact, I’m afraid I’m on the verge of snapping.

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Postby Blockio » Sun May 03, 2020 9:32 pm

Depending on what exactly works for you an which shows/games/books/whatever you get invested in the most, trying to "overwrite" the impression it left on you with another show might work; there's a few like Code Geass or some of the more serious Gundam shows that might just do the trick there.

Only issue is, depending on how you process stuff, that might be a 50/50 gamble on if it makes it worse or better

EDIT: Alternatively, after a friend had a similar experience with the show, this video greatly helped him cope with the initial fallout of it
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Re: End of Evangelion Traumatized Me

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Postby Mr. Tines » Mon May 04, 2020 2:25 am

View Original PostHopelessromantic wrote:After having a nightmare a week ago that I was Shinji starting the Third Impact, I’m afraid I’m on the verge of snapping.
In the immediate aftermath of watching EoE hard on the heels of watching the series, my self-directed therapy was in the form of writing fix-fics. Taking back control and nudging things to a better outcome would help draw some of the poison, and stop it controlling you.
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Postby Giji Shinka » Thu May 21, 2020 11:56 am

Eva 3.0 had similar effects on me, it completely shocked me to the core when I saw it for the first time as a teenager, but it never made me this suicidal. You should go to a therapist.
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Postby Hopelessromantic » Fri May 22, 2020 9:13 pm

It’s been five months since I came across EOE. I’m still having a hard time trying to make peace with it. Every time it comes up into my mind it takes a toll on my self esteem. I have Asperger’s Syndrome, and endured mental scars like other people, and when I can relate to someone, even a fictional character as an extension of my own personality, it can affect me. Hideki Anno as most people claim made Shinji as the ultimate wish fulfillment character, who doesn’t want to be alone, and wants to be recognized as a person, and feel affection from others. I felt as if I was forced to endure the same pain, the same agony, the same breakdowns that he went through in EOE, and I feel it’s eating me up like a parasite. The moral impression I received from this movie is, “If you have mental illness, you’ll have an absolutely miserable life.” Sometimes I have a hard time telling whether I have a mental disability or a mental illness or both .I’m trying to figure out what self directed therapy would be good for me, but nothing has worked so far.

To put it into perspective, six years ago, I was an emotional wreck. I was sent to a therapy program for two years, where I had learned to accept and make peace with who I am despite my mental disability.

It feels like End of Evangelion undid all of that progress, and I’m back at square one.

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Postby Mr. Tines » Sat May 23, 2020 10:50 am

The moral impression I received from this movie is, “If you have mental illness, you’ll have an absolutely miserable life.”
Not so much that, as "If you make no effort to help yourself, then don't be surprised if your world goes to hell all around you." Far from decisively accepting himself as per the TV end, EoE!Shinji just drifts and tries to hide from life.

View Original PostHopelessromantic wrote:It feels like End of Evangelion undid all of that progress, and I’m back at square one.
It's well attested that the stresses and strains of making NGE put Anno into a relapse of his depression, with EoE emerging from this bout as if as his self-directed art therapy. That's some of the reason I suggested indulging in fix-fic, as being your own art therapy, to take control and externalise the negativity.
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Postby Hopelessromantic » Sat May 23, 2020 4:08 pm

To accommodate with this mental crisis of mine, I have taken the time to do a fix fic and some poetry, but I still have a ways to go in my recovery. While I have come to accept End of Evangelion what it is, I confess that during the duration of the months, I have also become obsessed with finding an answer to why I felt this way. I’ve reached a possible conclusion that there is likely no answer. I’ve often wondered if I can ever be “cured” or at the very least “treated”. Whether I acknowledge or ignore the movie’s impact on me, the outcome is always the same, me doubting my own potential to rise above expectations.

To me, and I’m sure for others, Shinji represents what I could’ve been, if things went differently for the worse, and I didn’t make the choices I did. And years ago in my early high school years, I felt almost exactly like Shinji. It’s a distorted and twisted reflection of me. And it felt disturbing to see this distorted version of myself go down this nihilistic and self loathing path to the point of no return. If such a path remains open to me, how do I shut it for good?

To those reading this, I am grateful for your help.

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Postby Hopelessromantic » Sat May 23, 2020 4:25 pm

View Original PostMr. Tines wrote:Not so much that, as "If you make no effort to help yourself, then don't be surprised if your world goes to hell all around you." Far from decisively accepting himself as per the TV end, EoE!Shinji just drifts and tries to hide from life.


That is true, and I am trying to help myself with this predicament. While I know my statement is inaccurate in terms of logical reception, it’s a different story for my emotional reception. Knowing something and feeling something can be two seperate things.

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Postby Hopelessromantic » Sat May 30, 2020 6:27 pm

I’ve just started reading the fan comic known as Evangelion Re-take. In my opinion, it succeeded where End of Evangelion has originally failed. And it’s amazing, truly, as well as wholesome. It’s also a thought provoked as well.
To those of you who feel affected by the movie as I do, I highly recommend reading it, as it’s doing me some good.


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