"Dangerous Lover" (My First Evangelion/Real Fanfiction)

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天使 | Nyo | 天使
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"Dangerous Lover" (My First Evangelion/Real Fanfiction)

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Postby 天使 | Nyo | 天使 » Fri Oct 25, 2019 3:55 pm

So, I decided that since I like to write on a Google Doc so much about random stories and what not I make up. I decided to have my own go at a Fanfiction of my own. I've read quite a few for some time and have always wanted to try and make my own. So here it is! I did this all in one day while at school, so I guess it may be weird in some parts when it comes to pacing, writing and whatever. Tried my best for how I can write as of now. :shrug:

Here's the link. Leave criticism if you'd like! I'd LOVE to improve this stuff in any way I can. :wink: : https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13417683/1 ... Fanfiction
"Eva broke me so hard...I fell in love with it HARDER. Now I think Shinji x Kaworu is the hottest couple in all of Eva...yeah nothing wrong here." -This Boi

(Youtube: Nario, the one with the Ness Picture. I can't link it on my profile because it doesn't properly link it for some reason.

Discord: [λ3]Nyo#4442, don't send me weird pics or something. I'll just be using for anyone who wants contact me outside of the forums.)

~Nyo :3

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Re: "Dangerous Lover" (My First Evangelion/Real Fanfiction)

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Postby Derantor » Fri Oct 25, 2019 10:01 pm

I really suck at giving praise, so sorry in advance ^_^ I'll try for constructive criticism.

First, general stuff.

I liked the spoken dialogue. It was a bit on the nose, but thats totally in line with the series itself, and you nailed that, so, no problems there. I'd just look back over what you've written, there were a few mistakes there, like "Trying to take fuse with Adam and destroy humanity" - the take shouldn't be there, right? There are a few mistakes like that in your script which will easily improve the story when you fix them.

Now, lets get to the details that I noticed, I'll just start at the top.

At what cost to not the entirety of humanity, but just HIS humanity?
That right there is just perfect, I think. One concise sentence precisely describing the situation, making nice use of the two meanings of "humanity". Try to make all your sentences like that. I don't mean that kind of question, those should be used sparingly or they feel pretentious fast, but make every sentence count. Packing more meaning in the fewest words possible is always an attractive writing style. Notice though, if you are describing a scene, like the dark apartment, you can get really lengthy with it, depending on your preference, describing it down to detail if you want. Brevity is not always the best choice, is what I'm trying to say.

Shinji Ikari moped around in his apartment bedroom
I'd find another verb, "moped" sounds too silly for the situation. You don't even have to mention that he's sad there, as the next part of the sentence ("trying to drown out the mess of the world"/"did little to mitigate the pain") explains that already. You could just write something like "He walked around in his room", or get a little more descriptive like "He walked around, sat down, stood up again, trying to ...", thats your choice how in depth you want to go.

You're up early." she teased him with a tired-sounding voice.
Just write "with a tired voice", no need for "sounding", sound is already implied by voice. Or go the other route with something like "she teased him, [still] sounding tired."

[...] back to bed after this." Shinji stuttered a little in a semi-caring voice
Same thing. It feels clunky, you can go with more creativity there, for example: "Shinji stuttered a little, his voice betraying his lack of care." or "Shinji stuttered a little, not caring all that much", depending on the style you want to go for. Even something like "Shinji didn't really care, but stuttered his sentence anyway, as if he couldn't help but explain himself to Misato.", it gives more life to the situation [somebody correct me on this last one, not sure i worded that correctly].

[...] looked back at Shinji, who sat with his hands in his hair, almost in a distressed way.
Two things here: You describe Shinji from the authors point of view, so there should be no ambiguity there: Either he is distressed, or he isn't. He can be a little distressed or very much distressed, but not almost distressed - that implies that he really isn't distressed at all, but something else. If you want to keep it ambiguous, you need to make clear that it's Misatos point of view: "Misato looked at him, not sure if it was distress that she saw."
Secondly, "distressed way" sounds clunky again. "[...] hands in his hair, giving of an aura of distress" or "trying to hide his distress" sounds way nicer. Again, those are only suggestions, go wild with your descriptions.

Misato wasn't an idiot, and she picked up on it right away.
This might just be my personal preference, the sentence is fine as is, I just wouldn't point out that Misato isn't an idiot, it's redundant. By simply writing "Misato picked up on it right away" we already know that she isn't stupid - she picked up on it after all. If you want the sentence "Misato wasn't an Idiot" to show up, make her say it: "I am not an Idiot, you know?", she said as he picked up on his atempt to hide."

"It's him, isn't it?" she asked directly.
This is, again, really good. Most bad writers fall in to the "He said, she said" trap, adding that to every line of spoken dialogue (you are not doing that). But in this case it fits really well: She IS asking directly, and you are telling the reader most directly what she is doing. Well done.

The part after "Trying to fuse with Adam and destroy humanity" is very much better than the first half, I would just put the "Misato interrupted [him]" direktly after that sentence, to make the writing more urgent, putting it at the end of her monologue feels too late, by then he isn't interrupting anymore, she is explaining.

But in the latter half you already do almost all the things I said you should do, its just a matter of polish, just keep on writing and rewriting, you already know what to do and what you want to say. It's just a matter of practice.

Chapter 2 is a similar mish-mash of good and bad. I like the first part, and I see what you are going for with the "TV-Show-Script" part in the middle, but the last part is neither here nor there. The TV-Scrip part works if you want to the reader to imagine it like a scene from the series; it's the movie inside Shinjis head. It's honestly a neat idea, I wouldn't have thought of doing it. The last part is back in the "real world", but is written like the "Head-movie" before. Write it like the first part, right now it just feels weird. It is clear that the dream has ended, yet you continue to write the scene after that as if it still continued. If you have a special style for a special kind of scene, you need to stop using that style when the scene ends.


So, I hope I didn't sound too negative, I just thought it's most helpful to directly address the issues, if you want to improve yourself. Anyways, those are all suggestions, if you want to do your own thing, just go for it and stick with it, you don't have to write like anybody else, and you don't have to take my suggestions.

天使 | Nyo | 天使
Adam
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Re: "Dangerous Lover" (My First Evangelion/Real Fanfiction)

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Postby 天使 | Nyo | 天使 » Sat Oct 26, 2019 5:40 pm

View Original PostDerantor wrote:I really suck at giving praise, so sorry in advance ^_^ I'll try for constructive criticism.

First, general stuff.

I liked the spoken dialogue. It was a bit on the nose, but thats totally in line with the series itself, and you nailed that, so, no problems there. I'd just look back over what you've written, there were a few mistakes there, like "Trying to take fuse with Adam and destroy humanity" - the take shouldn't be there, right? There are a few mistakes like that in your script which will easily improve the story when you fix them.

Now, lets get to the details that I noticed, I'll just start at the top.

At what cost to not the entirety of humanity, but just HIS humanity?
That right there is just perfect, I think. One concise sentence precisely describing the situation, making nice use of the two meanings of "humanity". Try to make all your sentences like that. I don't mean that kind of question, those should be used sparingly or they feel pretentious fast, but make every sentence count. Packing more meaning in the fewest words possible is always an attractive writing style. Notice though, if you are describing a scene, like the dark apartment, you can get really lengthy with it, depending on your preference, describing it down to detail if you want. Brevity is not always the best choice, is what I'm trying to say.

Shinji Ikari moped around in his apartment bedroom
I'd find another verb, "moped" sounds too silly for the situation. You don't even have to mention that he's sad there, as the next part of the sentence ("trying to drown out the mess of the world"/"did little to mitigate the pain") explains that already. You could just write something like "He walked around in his room", or get a little more descriptive like "He walked around, sat down, stood up again, trying to ...", thats your choice how in depth you want to go.

You're up early." she teased him with a tired-sounding voice.
Just write "with a tired voice", no need for "sounding", sound is already implied by voice. Or go the other route with something like "she teased him, [still] sounding tired."

[...] back to bed after this." Shinji stuttered a little in a semi-caring voice
Same thing. It feels clunky, you can go with more creativity there, for example: "Shinji stuttered a little, his voice betraying his lack of care." or "Shinji stuttered a little, not caring all that much", depending on the style you want to go for. Even something like "Shinji didn't really care, but stuttered his sentence anyway, as if he couldn't help but explain himself to Misato.", it gives more life to the situation [somebody correct me on this last one, not sure i worded that correctly].

[...] looked back at Shinji, who sat with his hands in his hair, almost in a distressed way.
Two things here: You describe Shinji from the authors point of view, so there should be no ambiguity there: Either he is distressed, or he isn't. He can be a little distressed or very much distressed, but not almost distressed - that implies that he really isn't distressed at all, but something else. If you want to keep it ambiguous, you need to make clear that it's Misatos point of view: "Misato looked at him, not sure if it was distress that she saw."
Secondly, "distressed way" sounds clunky again. "[...] hands in his hair, giving of an aura of distress" or "trying to hide his distress" sounds way nicer. Again, those are only suggestions, go wild with your descriptions.

Misato wasn't an idiot, and she picked up on it right away.
This might just be my personal preference, the sentence is fine as is, I just wouldn't point out that Misato isn't an idiot, it's redundant. By simply writing "Misato picked up on it right away" we already know that she isn't stupid - she picked up on it after all. If you want the sentence "Misato wasn't an Idiot" to show up, make her say it: "I am not an Idiot, you know?", she said as he picked up on his atempt to hide."

"It's him, isn't it?" she asked directly.
This is, again, really good. Most bad writers fall in to the "He said, she said" trap, adding that to every line of spoken dialogue (you are not doing that). But in this case it fits really well: She IS asking directly, and you are telling the reader most directly what she is doing. Well done.

The part after "Trying to fuse with Adam and destroy humanity" is very much better than the first half, I would just put the "Misato interrupted [him]" direktly after that sentence, to make the writing more urgent, putting it at the end of her monologue feels too late, by then he isn't interrupting anymore, she is explaining.

But in the latter half you already do almost all the things I said you should do, its just a matter of polish, just keep on writing and rewriting, you already know what to do and what you want to say. It's just a matter of practice.

Chapter 2 is a similar mish-mash of good and bad. I like the first part, and I see what you are going for with the "TV-Show-Script" part in the middle, but the last part is neither here nor there. The TV-Scrip part works if you want to the reader to imagine it like a scene from the series; it's the movie inside Shinjis head. It's honestly a neat idea, I wouldn't have thought of doing it. The last part is back in the "real world", but is written like the "Head-movie" before. Write it like the first part, right now it just feels weird. It is clear that the dream has ended, yet you continue to write the scene after that as if it still continued. If you have a special style for a special kind of scene, you need to stop using that style when the scene ends.


So, I hope I didn't sound too negative, I just thought it's most helpful to directly address the issues, if you want to improve yourself. Anyways, those are all suggestions, if you want to do your own thing, just go for it and stick with it, you don't have to write like anybody else, and you don't have to take my suggestions.


Thanks for all the tips! I'll be going in updating the story whenever I can. Definitely helps to know that at least someone to took a look at it too.

I get the whole thing with polish, the second half was sort of rushed in my opinion just to get it done (I was in school as I stated in the post, so my concentration wasn't exactly on point there.)

No offense taken on the criticism, either. It's good to tell people what exactly you think they should improve on, I want the reader to try and connect to the author (me) as much as they want to. :ting:
"Eva broke me so hard...I fell in love with it HARDER. Now I think Shinji x Kaworu is the hottest couple in all of Eva...yeah nothing wrong here." -This Boi

(Youtube: Nario, the one with the Ness Picture. I can't link it on my profile because it doesn't properly link it for some reason.

Discord: [λ3]Nyo#4442, don't send me weird pics or something. I'll just be using for anyone who wants contact me outside of the forums.)

~Nyo :3


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