The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

Everything Evangelion Fanfiction related.

Moderators: Derantor, Board Staff

KingXanaduu
DNA Donor
DNA Donor
User avatar
Posts: 2619
Joined: Sep 12, 2011
Gender: Male

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby KingXanaduu » Fri Sep 18, 2015 8:55 pm

Stillborn, we appreciate the idea that Ray submitting his fic to other sites would possibly be a good idea.

HOWEVER, the fact that you continued to go on about your negative views about Shinji's fate in FINAL, which Ray has expressed that he's trying to avoid "The Dark Side", doesn't help in the slightest. If you want to help Ray, help Ray see a more positive outcome for Shinji, which he desires.
"You're na�ve, Cecil. Even knowing betrayal and despair, you would depend on the whims of others?" - Golbez
---------------------------------------
Sephiroth: "Do you miss the Light?"
Golbez: "Hmph...I merely have duties to fulfill."
Sephiroth: "Too close to the brightness, and you may get scorched."
Golbz:.............
Golbez: Your loss can strengthen you.

"NGE Shinji is broken, Manga Shinji is an asshole, Rebuild Shinji is an idiot. Which is best? Uh, can I get some other options? All of these really suck." -Bagheera

Gob Hobblin
First Ancestor
First Ancestor
User avatar
Age: 40
Posts: 4233
Joined: Jan 12, 2013
Location: Behind the Door of Kukundu
Gender: Male
Contact:

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Gob Hobblin » Sat Sep 19, 2015 11:22 am

Ray: Not so much offended as just confused. It sounds like you want to jump straight to the meat without the stew first. I can see what you're trying to go for, but you want to get there in a hurry. I had that problem in my earlier stories, and you can't do that. You have to build up to the events you want to get to, so you have to create a roadmap. We need to see a natural progression of the characters as they get from point A to point B.

So....

SPOILER: Show


If you do want a mutiny on the Wunder, we need to see events get to that point. You're already at the simmering edge of a mutiny, but it's jarring because we don't know how it got to that point. This is part of the flipside of show, don't tell: we actually have to be shown not just the event, but why the event is happening. Otherwise, you're telling half the story and assuming the readership is on the same page when they might not be.

You do raise a good point: we don't see very much of the Wunder crew. What we do see, however, puts them at odds with what you present. So, I would suggest that, rather than go straight to barely contained mutineers, present them as neutrally as you possibly can. That's usually the safest bet when moving into something unknown. Thus, as you start to draw out mutinous intentions, it becomes a more natural progression, at which point one can say, "Okay, I can see how we got to this point." The story becomes believable.

The one flaw I would point out in this is that mutinies tend to happen in vacuums, if that makes sense: they happen because command and control cannot prevent them from happening, and that tends to be the case when there is a lack of authority. People nine times out of ten will follow someone who makes very bad decisions if that person gives the appearance of competence, confidence, and assertive presence, all of these things Misato has demonstrated countless times. And considering that she has a breadth of command presence behind her, she also has the experience and historical foundation to build on that, which does count: she's kind of legendary, at this point, and legendary soldiers are REALLY hard to mutiny against.

So, while the presence of Shinji might be a wild card, and the Wunder crew would certainly be hostile to him based upon their understanding of what happened, it would be a stretch (to me) to assume the majority of the crew is willing to butt heads with Misato over the issue when given an order.



As for the issue of amorality (or more appropriately, immorality, as war is very much an immoral act), continued stress and combat does have a degenerative effect on people. It is true you see combat troops start to love what they do a little too much, but that tends to be a minority among a majority. This is especially true on a warship: understand that the crew of the Wille, except for a small group in the bridge staff or marine complement, are not going to have seen combat (as we understand it). Their stress is going to be entirely different from a line trooper. None of them will kill someone, none of them will be exposed to enemy fire, and none of them will spend days crawling through mud and exposed to the elements.

That being said, they ALL will face the prospect of uncertain death, erratic work hours, monotonous and repetitive work (lots of boredom ups depression rates), and cabin fever combined with being pressed against lots of other people all the time (general lack of privacy). The majority of the Wunder complement will be typical of a warship crew: deckhands, technicians, engineers, mechanics, etc. They are a vast support crew, all there for two purposes: keeping the Wunder flying and fighting, and supporting the Evangelions. Once you look at it that way, the actual percentage of the Wunder crew that does the actual 'fighting' (as in, seeing the enemy, pulling the trigger, making the tactical decisions) becomes something more like twenty percent of the crew, if that much.

So consider that when writing their stress, and consider that when understanding how they would view their actions: it is a lot easier to justify one's own actions when there is a detachment from what one does and what happens, and you see a LOT less PTSD among ship crews and air crews than you do line troops. There's a reason for that.
Though, Gob still might look good in a cocktail dress.
-Sorrow

Rei wanted to know what waffles tasted like.
-Literary Eagle

We have to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, and work. But work has to come in third.
-Leslie Knope

Come read EVA Sessions! This place has it, too! There'll be pizza! Not really! There are other things, too! Not EVA Sessions! Did I mention the pizza!?

Ray
Elder God
Elder God
User avatar
Posts: 5660
Joined: Feb 10, 2014
Location: Somewhere

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Ray » Sun Sep 20, 2015 5:08 pm

I've got another section all ready to post. But your criticisms of the last few sections have made me hesitant in posting it. I'm wondering if I should wait until I have time for editing the other chapters before posting the next one.

BlueBasilisk
Bridge Bunny
Bridge Bunny
User avatar
Age: 36
Posts: 1575
Joined: Nov 14, 2010
Gender: Male

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby BlueBasilisk » Sun Sep 20, 2015 5:28 pm

Go ahead and post it! It's better to wait until you're done with the draft, so to speak, before you go back and start editing it. By seeing the full journey and the destination you're shooting for, it's easier to bring all the pieces into alignment and work out the parts that don't line up.
Someday I hope that we'll be reunited if that is what's destined to be. Perhaps we'll discover that elusive bible. And then we will finally be free!

Ray
Elder God
Elder God
User avatar
Posts: 5660
Joined: Feb 10, 2014
Location: Somewhere

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Ray » Sun Sep 20, 2015 5:42 pm

Alrighty then. . . you asked for it.

SPOILER: Show
[DELETED]


After rereading it, I think I need some help when it comes to my prose.
Last edited by Ray on Sun Jun 27, 2021 10:26 am, edited 2 times in total.

Gob Hobblin
First Ancestor
First Ancestor
User avatar
Age: 40
Posts: 4233
Joined: Jan 12, 2013
Location: Behind the Door of Kukundu
Gender: Male
Contact:

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Gob Hobblin » Sun Sep 20, 2015 5:42 pm

Honestly, as much abuse as you might feel you're taking right now....

...post it.

It's worth the experience to post something up, take the criticism, learn from it and move with it. You'll develop the direction of the story as you go, and become a stronger writer for it.
Though, Gob still might look good in a cocktail dress.
-Sorrow

Rei wanted to know what waffles tasted like.
-Literary Eagle

We have to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, and work. But work has to come in third.
-Leslie Knope

Come read EVA Sessions! This place has it, too! There'll be pizza! Not really! There are other things, too! Not EVA Sessions! Did I mention the pizza!?

pwhodges
A Lilin in Wonderland
A Lilin in Wonderland
User avatar
Age: 77
Posts: 11035
Joined: Nov 18, 2012
Location: Oxford, UK
Contact:

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby pwhodges » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:15 pm

As I said by PM, I like the way you've linked Misato's experience with Shinji's present state. Not only have you shown that she does have her humanity still, but you've given an additional reason for it as well. (I made more comments, but I don't think they need be repeated here.)

View Original PostRay wrote:After rereading it, I think I need some help when it comes to my prose.

Your prose is actually not bad (as I said before). If I was editing it, there's some punctuation I'd work on, and a few phrases to suggest changes to, but nothing that got in the way of my reading it.
"Being human, having your health; that's what's important." (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
Avatar: The end of the journey (details); Past avatars.
Before 3.0+1.0 there was Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

Bagheera
Asuka's Bulldog
Asuka's Bulldog
User avatar
Posts: 18679
Joined: Oct 15, 2010

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Bagheera » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:30 pm

Yeah, the prose needs some work but this isn't bad. I like what you're doing with Misato here.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

Lennik
Sachiel
Sachiel
User avatar
Age: 31
Posts: 205
Joined: Apr 18, 2013
Location: USA
Gender: Male

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Lennik » Sun Sep 20, 2015 8:25 pm

I really liked that. You've really captured Misato's conflicted thoughts and humanized her in a way that I really missed in Reticence. And connecting her past to Shinji was a very effective move.

Nice work, indeed.

Ray
Elder God
Elder God
User avatar
Posts: 5660
Joined: Feb 10, 2014
Location: Somewhere

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Ray » Mon Sep 21, 2015 4:27 pm

I cropped out the last part with Hideki. I wasn't happy with it, I'm planning on rewriting his part in the story later.

Bagheera
Asuka's Bulldog
Asuka's Bulldog
User avatar
Posts: 18679
Joined: Oct 15, 2010

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Bagheera » Mon Sep 21, 2015 4:55 pm

That's a good call, as that was the weakest part of the chapter. The Misato scene works better when it stands on its own.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

Glor
Gaghiel
Gaghiel
Age: 31
Posts: 373
Joined: May 17, 2014
Location: United States

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Glor » Thu Sep 24, 2015 10:57 pm

You've put a lot of work into this Ray, and goddamn does it show. Don't get discouraged, it's just too easy to fall into that funk - super hard to get out of too. Take strength from the criticism. People wouldn't offer it so honestly if they didn't think your work had any merit.

It's a little rough, but this can be something really amazing with a little fine-tuning. It's already a well-crafted piece of writing. Keep it up man. I really hope you post more of this soon.

Also, my offer to Beta still stands.
Amarantos - an NGE AU, beginning with Asuka, Shinji, and a garden. Take a look. Couldn't hurt.

"Anything can be Evangelion related if you have the will to twist it." -Joseki.

NemZ
Token Misanthrope
Token Misanthrope
User avatar
Posts: 15804
Joined: Jun 28, 2008
Location: St. Louis
Gender: Male

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby NemZ » Fri Sep 25, 2015 1:03 am

Not bad, Ray. A bit rough around the edges but the core is strong... you've got some pieces set up, time to start knocking them over.
Rest In Peace ~ 1978 - 2017
"I'd consider myself a realist, alright? but in philosophical terms I'm what's called a pessimist. It means I'm bad at parties." - Rust Cohle
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize that half of 'em are stupider than that." - George Carlin
"The internet: It's like a training camp for never amounting to anything." - Oglaf
"I think internet message boards and the like are dangerous." - Anno

Ray
Elder God
Elder God
User avatar
Posts: 5660
Joined: Feb 10, 2014
Location: Somewhere

Re: The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Ray » Fri Jan 01, 2016 12:40 am

What you thought that's all I was gonna post this year?

I don't have it done yet, but I think I'll give you a little sample just to let you know that the fic is still alive.
Hideki  SPOILER: Show
Engineering's Shared Latrine

Hideki Tama threw the last stub into the latrine and crumpled up the pack to follow it. Flushing both down with the loud BOOM of a military grade toilet, he coughed out the last of the tobacco from his throat as he left the stall to head down to the bunks that engineering shared. The 'real stuff' was a lot stronger than the synthetic tobacco he was used to. It burned the back of his throat and made his eyes water, fortunately the stink of stale urine masked the smell of the tobacco. That and the engineer that had occupied the stall before Hideki had eaten something that disagreed with him.

Less said of that the better.

He pulled out the revolver and looked at it longingly, rage and despair barely reined. The silver of the revolver glinted in the dim light of the latrine. He lifted it and placed it to his temple putting his thumb gently on the trigger, placing the barrel of the gun against his forehead harshly. He inhaled deeply, and exhaled just as much. The tension in his chest, the forever tightening knot in his stomach, this messed up disgusting world that brat had put him in. No. Not brat. THING. This messed up world that disgusting THING put you into, Hideki.

All it would take was one little pull, and it'd be all over.

"Dammit I can't do it." He quickly pulled the barrel away from his head, shaking and muttering in insomnia and disgust with himself. He pocketed the revolver again.

He stepped out of the latrine, washed his face in the sink to try and keep himself awake and rushed past several other engineers.

MisterHalt
Adam
User avatar
Age: 37
Posts: 82
Joined: Sep 06, 2014
Location: Australia
Gender: Male

Re: The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby MisterHalt » Thu Jan 07, 2016 12:04 am

I wish I had something more to say than just 'this is a really good story and you have me hooked', but I'm afraid I simply can't think of anything more... descriptive I guess.
Strength is being able to crush a tomato. Dexterity is being able to dodge a tomato. Constitution is being able to eat a bad tomato. Intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad. Charisma is being able to sell a tomato based fruit salad.

BlueBasilisk
Bridge Bunny
Bridge Bunny
User avatar
Age: 36
Posts: 1575
Joined: Nov 14, 2010
Gender: Male

Re: The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby BlueBasilisk » Sat Jan 09, 2016 3:44 am

Glad to see you back! ^_^

Hideki is learning a really important lesson here. It's easy to think about killing someone when they're just an abstract concept and you're trying to dehumanize them, but it's a lot harder to actually do it. Even when that person is yourself!
Someday I hope that we'll be reunited if that is what's destined to be. Perhaps we'll discover that elusive bible. And then we will finally be free!

Ray
Elder God
Elder God
User avatar
Posts: 5660
Joined: Feb 10, 2014
Location: Somewhere

Re: The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Ray » Tue Jan 26, 2016 2:20 am

I just pounded this out to try and resolve the Hideki Subplot before things get really crazy. I'll be getting to the real characters eventually, don't worry.

- - - - -
SPOILER: Show
[Deleted]
Last edited by Ray on Sun Jun 27, 2021 10:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

Glor
Gaghiel
Gaghiel
Age: 31
Posts: 373
Joined: May 17, 2014
Location: United States

Re: The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Glor » Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:31 pm

Needs work, like you said, but it's still good stuff. I like seemingly evil Maya. I'm holding onto the hope that maybe she's playing double agent to root out dissenters in the ranks. But I wouldn't be disappointed if she really did have it out for Shinji.

As far as any revising goes for the scene between her and Tama, what stood out the most was how Maya had to remind Tama she was blackmailing him every other line she spoke. I can see her calling attention to it before they go their separate ways, but not nearly as frequently as she did. Overall I liked the scene quite a bit. You did a good job of illustrating Tama's state of mind.

Shinji's very dissociative view on his surroundings was well done too.
Amarantos - an NGE AU, beginning with Asuka, Shinji, and a garden. Take a look. Couldn't hurt.

"Anything can be Evangelion related if you have the will to twist it." -Joseki.

Ray
Elder God
Elder God
User avatar
Posts: 5660
Joined: Feb 10, 2014
Location: Somewhere

Re: The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby Ray » Wed Jun 29, 2016 8:02 pm

SPOILER: Show
[DELETED}
Last edited by Ray on Sun Jun 27, 2021 10:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

MisterHalt
Adam
User avatar
Age: 37
Posts: 82
Joined: Sep 06, 2014
Location: Australia
Gender: Male

Re: The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

  •      
  •      
  • Quote

Postby MisterHalt » Wed Jun 29, 2016 10:46 pm

Damn. Didn't expect the murder attempt to come this quickly. Whoever it was did a terrible job of aiming though.

It's interesting to see this entire scene from Shinji's perspective. Really shows how... disconnected he is from reality. He can barely even understand what people are saying a few feet away from him. This is the kind of thing I avoided in my own fic, as I felt I simply wouldn't be able to do it properly.

You're doing a great job with this story, Ray.
Strength is being able to crush a tomato. Dexterity is being able to dodge a tomato. Constitution is being able to eat a bad tomato. Intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad. Charisma is being able to sell a tomato based fruit salad.


Return to “Fanfiction”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests