FML general thread [7]

Yeah. You read right. This is for everything that doesn't have anything to do with Eva.

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Monk Ed
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Postby Monk Ed » Mon Jul 27, 2015 4:24 pm

View Original PostShamsiel-kun wrote:Me, I go on brown bread, little sugar, little salt, very few sweets (except chocolate -o-; ), lots of greenery and pasta, sometimes some red meat, fish more often, some fruits (when they don't look like someone played rugby with them). Bike to work and back, and unfortunately I still have some flab (damn computer work...).

An emphasis on reducing carbs seems to be all the rage these days, as well as eating more fat rather than less. I see things like "fat is your friend" and "eating fat doesn't make you fat, it's carbs". Frankly I don't know what to believe anymore -- I hear polar opposite advice from different, equally authoritative sources. I'm reminded of a Lewis Black skit: "Nutrition is the subject we know the least about. Here's an example: Is milk good or bad?" (Audience cannot answer, laughs.) "I rest my case."
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Postby Ray » Mon Jul 27, 2015 4:41 pm

I have a lot of the same problems maintaining my weight too. It's even worse for me because my mom's family is from the South. We love our fried foods and barbeque, that compounded with me not having time to excercise due to studying. . . yeah. I'm not obese, but I am a little softer than I was a few years ago.
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Postby Gus Hanson » Mon Jul 27, 2015 5:50 pm

I feel like i owe an apology to the people of this site for airing all my psychological dirty laundry on the wrong topic such as an Eva related topic. I also would like to apologize for feeling entitled for a response on the message's remarks when clearly my in the heat of the moment jabs are nobody's business. I've just been so frustrated lately by my poor decision making in terms of which friendships are worthwhile and won't cause any long run problems.

On another topic, i feel as though i don't handle my money very well. I get an allowance of usually 20-40 dollars per week to go and spend on whatever i want which is usually movies and tv shows but i usually just look at the title that interests me at face value and not think about whether or not i'm going to watch it immediately because i get panicky if i don't do it asap. I have a whole shelf of unwatched DVDs of films and anime just waiting to be watched and my fear of what to watch first usually stops me from watching altogether and results in me pining for hours. It's a vicious cycle.

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Postby Nuclear Lunchbox » Mon Jul 27, 2015 7:46 pm

View Original PostMonk Ed wrote:An emphasis on reducing carbs seems to be all the rage these days, as well as eating more fat rather than less. I see things like "fat is your friend" and "eating fat doesn't make you fat, it's carbs". Frankly I don't know what to believe anymore -- I hear polar opposite advice from different, equally authoritative sources.

Eat when you feel hungry.

Eat foods that make you hungry less often. Figure out what those foods are for you.

Problem solved.

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Postby Ieyasu » Mon Jul 27, 2015 7:47 pm

I just had a family revelation of the worst kind. I think I'm supposed to feel something but I just feel numb.
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Postby Catamari » Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:31 pm

View Original PostIeyasu wrote:I just had a family revelation of the worst kind. I think I'm supposed to feel something but I just feel numb.
It depends on the revelation, but I have a hunch you're referring to grief. It hits people in different ways. You may not feel anything, now, but you may in the future. When my grandfather died, I didn't really feel anything immediately, either. It took time. People deal with grief and other similar situations in different ways.

I don't remember who said it, but something to the effect of: "People don't die once, they die hundreds of tiny deaths that you will experience through the rest of your life." Referring to the feeling when you see/do/eat something the family member liked or was known for, and you realize that they aren't there, anymore.
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Postby Bagheera » Tue Jul 28, 2015 3:34 am

Best advice for eating:

"Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants."

Don't worry about carbs/fat/etc. Don't get hung up on the occasional big meal; they don't matter much. Just, day to day, eat lots of veggies and just a little meat and you'll be good.
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Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby Ieyasu » Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:03 am

View Original PostCatamari wrote:It depends on the revelation, but I have a hunch you're referring to grief. It hits people in different ways. You may not feel anything, now, but you may in the future. When my grandfather died, I didn't really feel anything immediately, either. It took time. People deal with grief and other similar situations in different ways.

I don't remember who said it, but something to the effect of: "People don't die once, they die hundreds of tiny deaths that you will experience through the rest of your life." Referring to the feeling when you see/do/eat something the family member liked or was known for, and you realize that they aren't there, anymore.


Unfortunately no. Grief is easy to deal with and help others with for me compared to this. It was someone admitting to being sexually abused as a kid, though they won't say by who and if whoever it was is still around.

This happened because my relation to this person is close by blood but they've always been distant and created an unstable (some would say physically abusive) environment at home when I was a kid, and even now. They expect love or a bond between us, but when I say I respect them but don't feel love, because of how I'm treated - this comes out.

Now I think I know why whenever I've tried to articulate my feelings and anger about how they acted to me (and still do act) is always called "selfishness" and "self centered" by them. I think they are comparing what I had with what they had, and the two aren't comparable at all. Maybe they don't want to feel guilty that in a way they've projected their own misery onto someone else. The fact they said "I don't think you were abused as a kid" seems to prove that's what they are thinking...
although I wasn't abused the way they were, it's not like my own situation was "all right".

I think I'm supposed to say something comforting, but I don't know how I can. It's like my suffering doesn't matter, only theirs, they left me with this information last night and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it.
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Postby Bagheera » Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:14 am

View Original PostIeyasu wrote:I think I'm supposed to say something comforting, but I don't know how I can. It's like my suffering doesn't matter, only theirs, they left me with this information last night and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it.


What do you want to do with it?

Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn here, but it strikes me that the fact that they shared this with you might be thought of as a carrot, or an invitation -- they might want to reach some sort of common ground, but don't know how to make that happen. Is it possible to look beyond your current conflict and find a way to make a connection of some sort? Maybe he/she doesn't deserve it, but leave that aside. Is there a way to make it happen?
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby pwhodges » Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:38 am

View Original PostIeyasu wrote:It's like my suffering doesn't matter, only theirs, they left me with this information last night and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it.

In other words, they are trying to "trump" your suffering so that you will stop using it against them, and so will give them the love you are denying them. It's outright manipulation in my view, and presumably it won't work.

I suppose you need to acknowledge what they went through while keeping it clear that this is separate from your feelings about them and what they are doing to you.

But without knowing the exact relationships (which you may prefer to keep private, obviously) it's hard to say more.
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Postby Ieyasu » Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:58 am

Knowing them, I don't think it's any carrot. Like they said it and then told me to not ever bring it up again.
They are so distant and private as a person I can't see this as some invitation to help them, or that if we talk again they'll want it mentioned. It seems more like the admission was a statement "I was abused okay? Stop bothering me and say you love me instead."

They want unconditional love or something, but I can't give it because it's not the truth. This admission came about for that reason - they were bugged I find it difficult to say "I love you" to them, because to me their words don't match their actions. Whenever they have said it in the past or the present - and they did it a lot when I was young, right after putting me through hell - it's injurous. Like beating the shit out of someone physically or emotionally and then saying "I love you." Some people might react differently to that happening systematically through their youth but it only makes me distant. I mean they claim to feel unconditional love for me, but like I said, they put me through hell anyway. And maybe this whole thing is a "my hell is worse than your hell" kind of thing.

I don't know. It doesn't seem like I can do anything with this info. I already knew they had "problems", I've known since before my age was double figures, and it always seems like those problems have been the reason they've been "allowed" to put others through emotional/physical turmoil. I don't believe just because a person has problems they should treat others like crap. Yet, that's kind of how it's been. I still won't accept it, even if they've been abused and it's damaged them massively. I suppose that is what was bound to happen when they brought me up to respect the meaning of respecting others - they don't seem to think the tenet applies to them but it applies to everyone, for me.

Maybe they just needed to say it to somebody and that helped. I don't know - I have no experience dealing with sexual abuse or how it affects people. My experience is with physical and emotional abuse, and that just tends to make kids distant and untrusting, exactly like I have become. I have no idea at all what sexual abuse does to somebody, how it affects their relations with others, how their mind works as a consequence. Except to say that... I know a couple of people now who have been sexually abused as kids and they absolutely reject any kind of straightforward approach to the topic, they act erratically, take drugs or get drunk and in those moments you might have a glimpse of the truth, but all the other times there's this protective wall up you'll never get through. They actively seem to evade others reaching out to them, god knows I've tried.
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Postby Catamari » Tue Jul 28, 2015 9:44 am

View Original PostIeyasu wrote:I have no idea at all what sexual abuse does to somebody, how it affects their relations with others, how their mind works as a consequence. Except to say that... I know a couple of people now who have been sexually abused as kids and they absolutely reject any kind of straightforward approach to the topic, they act erratically, take drugs or get drunk and in those moments you might have a glimpse of the truth, but all the other times there's this protective wall up you'll never get through. They actively seem to evade others reaching out to them, god knows I've tried.
I have a little experience in this department. It's a topic that people in that situation are embarrassed and hurt about. I don't speak about it, it's not something I'm "ashamed" of, so to speak. It's more something that I would prefer be forgotten and left in the past. I've come to terms with the events of my past, but a lot people haven't, and it takes time. More for some, less for others. I don't know the specifics of what happened, nor is it my business, but a lot of people who were put in that situation as children develop trust issues and have trouble forming meaningful relationships. We find it hard to trust people, and sometimes, ourselves. I know the latter to be true for myself.

As for the whole "my hell is worse than your hell", try to look at things from their perspective. When people have something absolutely horrific and traumatizing happen to them, they will often develop a resistance to other, more petty things. Everything else pales in comparison to that one event. It can be hard for them to empathize with people (I've found this to be true) simply because everything else seems like such a non issue to them. I've also found this to be true for myself. Things that would upset, anger, or hurt other people tend to just not affect me, or affect my very little. It's something that makes me come across as cold and uncaring, but it's more a product of the fact that I'd seen hell and everything is uphill from here.

It's funny that I mention grief in my previous post. This morning, my grandmother died. This was expected, we were basically counting down the days, as her health quickly took a turn for the worse. She had pneumonia and was supposed to be on oxygen, but she just couldn't give up the smoking and it ending up being her undoing.
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Postby Ieyasu » Tue Jul 28, 2015 11:04 am

How do you mean, to trust yourself? Does it make you distance yourself from others? Well emotionally I mean. I'd say I would have thought in this family member's case it would have made them distant physically too but that's not the case, they actively get involved with people and have a lot of social interaction, but when it comes to me, their first child, I am kept at a greater distance than just about any of the others. I wondered if this was for my own protection or something, but I don't know. How would you relate to someone who had similar experiences to you? Is there, as I suspect in my case, there just nothing much to say or that can be added or gained by going near the subject? They call me cold and uncaring too, yet it's the exact treatment I feel I had.

It's difficult for me to act like a normal party in this situation. I have most of the same issues as they do, and more I think, particularly issues of trust and emotional trust. They didn't tell me what happened in this event, but I have events too that could be considered traumatic... how does one person with a definition of trauma relate to another with a different one... or is it even possible. In this case if they were abused systematically, as I was systematically terrified by them as a kid, I'd have expected they would "understand", or at least attempt to understand that I have feelings, but all they continually do is call me selfish for the instinctive behavior they've instilled in me by way of their actions. I too am not affected by most things, which is why they broke down on the phone and I waited in silence, unsure of what to say or if I even said anything whether it would be sincere.

I suppose it's an impasse caused by automatic defensiveness. In this case though, they had a choice to admit or not admit this truth, and they wanted to when they could easily have denied me this information... if I didn't know how independent and rejecting of help they always are I would guess to tell someone would be to ask for help, but in this situation I don't even know what it means for them to be telling me. Maybe it's just an affirmation of greater brokenness, or just despair or defeat. If this were not my parent, and were someone else unrelated speaking to me I think I could be more sympathetic or empathetic, but it's complicated by the fact their suffering has translated directly to mine and my anger and grudge about it is seen as selfishness, when to me it's entirely justified in context.

There's also the unfortunate fact they only ever physically/verbally abused people under the influence, they don't even remember most of what they've done.

@pwhodges (sorry it won't let me quote you directly now... )

I don't know why they're saying it to me. I know my lack of expression of affection and distance is a problem for them, and prompted all of this to come out eventually in the conversation we had on the phone. I get the feeling that love and respect is expected of me, yet I blame them openly for being traumatized. This is justified to me though, because I was also raised by them to respect others' feelings and personal space, but... 50% of the time they were sober and nice to me, and 50% they were nasty as hell to everyone (drunk)... I'm not sure what they expect, unless of course they have almost no memory or idea of how they did affect everyone around them. I've told them, and they feel I'm exaggerating events. (Like they seem to have no memory at all of physically abusing anyone, but kids remember that shit like it's burned into the back of their brain). I've tried to explain that a parent with two drastically different sides can't have the sort of love and trust they want, they can have my respect for their other qualities and achievements, but they'll never have adoration, even if they claim to have it for me.

Could be to one-up me, could be an expression of frustration because I refuse to show emotion and affection or to "drop" the past. Could be a call for help, could be anything. I probably won't know because they said it and in the same sentence told me never to mention it again. How I'm supposed to digest and handle it, or what to make of it I don't know. I mean, they never dropped their past and their suffering if they had a sort of breakdown just admitting it to me, but I'm... expected to drop mine.

Yeah, I can't help but feel this is slightly manipulative too. But, manipulation only works if you've got something to hold someone to ransom with. I've got nothing, they've got nothing. I feel bad for them of course, I feel bad that it happened to them, I feel like whoever did it to them will never face any kind of justice (as usual), and so on. But I also feel like it cannot be used as any kind of excuse.
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Postby Ari » Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:26 pm

I have been such an idiot lately. I came 14 minutes late to work, and because I had an irregular shift time, I accidentally left half an hour early. I might get fired

On top of that. I am self medicating and trying so hard to make it so that my parents don't notice, but they already have a deep distrust for me. And I don't know whether the order has gone through. So much can go wrong and like. If something does go wrong it will not be good news

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Postby Shamsiel-kun » Wed Jul 29, 2015 1:43 am

^ Uh, I hope you are getting your meds from a trusted source, because a lot of the meds sold through sidechannels are either counterfeit or placebos. The latter will just not do anything, but the former might get you arrested for drug trafficking or make you very sick indeed (or you end up at the morgue if you're really unlucky).

Or are we talking about "self-medicating" by means of excessive alcoholic ingestion? :tongue:

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Postby Ari » Wed Jul 29, 2015 9:48 am

View Original PostShamsiel-kun wrote:^ Uh, I hope you are getting your meds from a trusted source, because a lot of the meds sold through sidechannels are either counterfeit or placebos. The latter will just not do anything, but the former might get you arrested for drug trafficking or make you very sick indeed (or you end up at the morgue if you're really unlucky).

Or are we talking about "self-medicating" by means of excessive alcoholic ingestion? :tongue:
I've been doing so through a trusted source and doing so safely. It's more of a legal gray area and ill be able to legally do so once I move out. things are complicated

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Postby r1cepurin » Wed Jul 29, 2015 3:30 pm

So my time zone is preventing me from actually talking to people, so it gets rather boring when I'm here studying or working. Donut is the only exception because he's nocturnal or some crap like that, so that's one friend I'm not concerned about in terms of getting ahold of. Everyone else....eeeh kinda tricky. My boyfriend hasn't been too hard either but he does have a bed time, unlike me.


It's also sorta hard because I have trouble making friends in real life, because I absolutely cannot connect with people irl at all. When I used to have a real job (mind you, the job I used to have that was real and not me doing online surveys for pennies) I didn't understand anyone, like they just feel way too "normal" to me to really get them. Also, I've tried stuff like anime club and school to make friends, and people irl who share my interests are incredibly pretentious about it 90% of the time, which is why I only have two friends irl. College was harder because there were less people my age and more adults with uninteresting hobbies, but I didn't mind being acquainted with them. That being said, even in college, I find kids into nerd shit like gaming and anime, but they really have no interest, despite me expressing my interests, in actually wanting to be friends with me. There was a girl who had this really aloof personality, but liked lots of stuff I liked, but merely shook my hand and forgot my name and details of the conversation we had the next day. It's just.....whyyyyy
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Postby Dataprime » Thu Jul 30, 2015 10:36 am

One of my best friends moved to California, my other friend is really sick, my dog is getting old and
is having trouble moving around - I don't know what to do anymore :|

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Postby Stryker » Thu Jul 30, 2015 10:37 am

Take up dance, and a martial art.

That's what I did.
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Postby NemZ » Thu Jul 30, 2015 9:02 pm

Within the past few months 3 of my friends of have had some severe marital (or nonlegal multi-year cohabitation) problems. One suddenly hit with divorce out of the blue and he was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, number two's girlfriend/mother of some of his kids is having some sort of Borderline episode checked herself out of the psyche ward with a new lover she met in the bin and abandoned her family, and today a buddy of mine who was up in Chicago taking the bar exam asked me to check in on his kids since he was on his way home but still hours away and phone tag was getting 'weird'... turns out the wife has been drinking herself into a coma the last few days while the kids have been scrounging up sandwiches for themselves and the youngest has somehow injured his neck.

So not really a FML exactly, but I'm vicariously bummed out all the same.
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