Episode 1: Introductions and Junk Like That
Live from New York, it's Saturnight! What, you think I was going to say Saturday? It's night for peat sake! Come on folks.
Today we're going to be talking about humans. Humans are these entities that evolved from tail-less monkeys that said "bleh, I don't like being a cannibal, lets play in mud!" And the mud walked up to their skin and ate it, ate it like a fat guy punting a mouse in the End Zone, touch down Chicago Bears! Anyway, humanity grew out of his or her own hair on each full Moon because they were hungry like the wolf to prove that the Chupacabra liked swords instead of guns for combat purposes. The humans set themselves at war with the elfen laids, acquiring their name by how much they like to multiply, and succeeded in winning only for lusty nature to take over their vicious brains with the power of explosions.
It was soon after the destruction of the hair and elfen laids that the Chupacabra finally picked guns 'cause, you know, they're manlier and crap. He conquered the world for a long time until the Han Dynasty where the Chinese basically summoned a giant pencil to smack him into the Pacific Ocean, reducing his body into an ultra salty substance that made the water undrinkable so it would divide by the majority of the sum plus the range, median, and mode. Their decedents are known as the bureaucrats from the DMV because you have to wait in line for a driver's license. Real shame.
Humans decided to evolve their faces so they could do more expressions than Homr from Greece so they could decide whether or not someone was angry or not when you accidentally walked into the bathroom on them. The Romans adopted a Green Lantern ring and made it happen with no censor bars. Upon which, the Moon emitted ultra violent radiation that permanently had mud and hair fuse itself into a terrible sugary oil, forcing humans to bath like madman as the stars laughed their balls off, literally creating phenomenon called "shooting stars".
Fast forward to the era of the 1970s and The Who fought a battle with the Rolling Stones, dividing a religion the humans called Rock, also known as Rock and Roll. Why they call it that is a mystery, we assume they rock around the clock so the could falcon punch clocks in the face, especially if they were over zealous snobs. So many clocks had enough of it that they invented the internet, something else the humans could abuse for a while so they could recover their faces so that Batman doesn't give them a raunchy or raspy voice to hear over that Chris Nolan fell in love with eventually.
The humans loved their precious internet like their precious ring of Sauron and the knights of the orcs. The one named Al Gore promised them with lots of knowledge and stuff, saying he'll destroy a lava creature that is melting too many icebergs to count and we just could not have that because.... We're humans, that's why. After hunting Moby Dick and failing, we got our clubs out and smacked the ocean only for Godzilla to go "Fuuuuuuuu!" and shatter us into nuclear fire.
The remaining humans repopulated thanks to their elf powers and elected George Bush the millionth so he could paint himself yellow, run around, and call himself Banana Man, saving Horror City from the likes of the Croaker. At this point it is assumed that humans found frogs delicious but toads were not, I mean really that is just sad. Anyway, after Bush did so he ate a piece of glass and said "this is stupid" and gave his job to Barrack Obama. With that in mind, Obama took off his giant boots and threw them like giant hammers into the lava giant melting all our icebergs because we love ice because we are humans. For Mars!
Pluto was annoyed by this because every "planet" had a lava creature melting their ice, but scientists had to go "oh no, we don't count Pluto as a planet, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Pluto and it's moon got ticked off and joined forces, crashing into Earth's twinkie factories and leaving many without precious spongecake. However, this improved the sales of peanut butter flavored termites, real shame they had a wood taste to them. Mmmmmmm, wood, augh. Wait, what? Oh yeah, I'm in the middle of a show.
The mutants from beneath Chicago's sewers of death doom used their eyeballs to punch the streets giant potholes so people could get very angry and flip over. This was because Domino's and Pizza Hut married each other and said "know what? no more deep dish pizzas." Sure enough people raged. Combined with lack of spongecake, peanut butter termites, and anger and it causes people to ooze zit goo from their foreheads, creating caustic slime. These slimes tried to fight off the clocks who directed them to the internet. Upon doing so the zit goo went on a crusade to fight the humans using anger against them. After doing a quick Wikipedia random search they found the story of the elfens laids and how they told stories about trolls.
And that is where internet trolls come from, they're basically gooey zits spawned from the rage gained from Pluto being called a dwarf planet and Chicago mutants causing mischief because no one gave them deep dish pizza anymore.
Very well then.