[Fic] Cruel Angel's Thesis

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[Fic] Cruel Angel's Thesis

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Postby Dr. Strangelove » Sat Jul 08, 2006 11:49 pm

Ello, ello folks, this is where I will be posting my FF. It is an Evangelion-Godzilla crossover, that isn't finished yet. The human charecters are my own, but heavily influeced by the ones in Evangelion.

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Postby Dr. Strangelove » Sat Jul 08, 2006 11:49 pm

The year is 2015; the United States has effectively ' freed ' most Middle Eastern dictatorships. The truth is much more sinister. Instead, the Middle East is one massive colony for the United States. Therefore, they control all of the easy-to-get oil. This has boosted America's world status from super power to mega-power. Its air force is the largest and most effective in the world, its land forces one-third unmanned, and her navy now patrols most of the waters to ' destroy any terrorist threat '. The man in charge of the United States is Miles Imhoft, founder and leader of the Progressive Catholic-Christian Party, has turned the United States into what Great Britain was before the American Revolution. It had everything short of a Monarchy, and people other than Christians or Catholics were frowned upon. Abortion was totally illegal, and it was a crime, punishable by up to twenty years in jail, to be gay.

The United States military, following their noted secrecy, had recently constructed a new weapon; one that is so powerful it would make all weapons before it obsolete. It rivaled the Manhattan Project in terms of secrecy, and blew it out of water in terms of the amount of power it is capable of. Codenamed Evangelion, its first field test without armor or restraint proved to be deadly. It stood one hundred thirty-one feet, with pale grey skin, and bright green eyes. From what it exhibited, it could produce a type of shield that made it nearly untouchable. It also proved to be independent- it wanted to escape. It took a constant barrage of electricity to subdue it, and it was immediately put into restraints. Armor was designed to keep it under control, and a cockpit added to control it.

It was sent to Japan, under a new organization known only as NERV. The beast it contains is alive, and waiting. The project was re-named ‘Cruel Angel’s Thesis’ due to leaks to China. The United Nations began to ask too many questions, and so the creature is now known as Evangelion, the project Cruel Angel’s Thesis. Shortly after the issue was resolved at the United Nations, work on a second Evangelion was begun. It looked largely the same as its sister Evangelion, except for the eyes. It had four bright-blue eyes. It was different from Unit-01, it
didn’t try to escape, but restraints were quickly fashioned and armor placed on to not have another ‘accident’.

No one is sure what is going to be made of the Evangelion Units, some in the military say they’re
going to spear-head an assault on China, but no one is positive. One thing is for certain- When they are sent into combat, the world will know of Mile’s true ambitions. But it might be too late to stop him, only time will tell.

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Postby Dr. Strangelove » Sat Jul 08, 2006 11:50 pm

Chapter 1- Revelation

Name- Hikaru Daichi
Age- 14
Height- 5'5"
Weight- 106lbs

So read the ID card for the pilot of the Evangelion Unit 01. The one carrying it however was not Hikaru, but his new caretaker- Christine Knight. An American by birth she's a bit overweight and sarcastic. With shoulder length blonde hair, brown eyes, and glasses combined with a slight hourglass figure, it’s hard to believe she's single. She doesn't seem to mind though, or at least doesn't show it. It might be because of her height, being six-two and two hundred nine pounds wasn't exactly normal for a woman. But she was content, and with her job she didn't need the added stress of trying to loose weight. She was Director of Operations at the NERV facility in Tokyo, Japan. She over saw all operations of the new Evangelion units, and as such, saw it fit to take in one of the pilots. She also felt a bit of remorse for Hikaru, his father neglected him and his mother left him in divorce. The reasoning behind choosing a mere teenager to pilot a one hundred thirty-one foot ‘robot’ is anyone's guess. There are theories, ranging from the mundane to the downright foolish.


Christine continued on her way, to a bus stop where she was supposed to meet him and take him to her apartment. She looked back down at the ID card’s picture. He had short black hair, dark green eyes, which were oddly enough not Asian looking. The only thing that could tell you he was Japanese was his skin, which had a slight gold tint to it. A few minutes later, she saw the boy with a backpack and a bag. The car comes to a stop and the passenger side window rolls down.


“You’re Hikaru, right?” With the sweetest possible tone she could manage. Hikaru was a bit shocked; he didn't expect someone in the military to be as good-looking. He managed to choke out


“Y–yes...I take it you're Ms. Knight? ". She smiled; he was shy and cute, perfect for her amusement.

“Yes, Christine Knight. You can call me Christine, considering you're going to be living with me from now on.” Hikaru smiled a bit, and got in the car.


The drive was quite and eventually stopped a large apartment building near inner Tokyo. Gathering his things, Hikaru and Christine walked into the building, it looked nice. At least compared to what Hikaru had been used to. As they both walked towards the elevator, he began to rub the palms of his hands. It was a nervous habit he had developed shortly after his mother left. Unlike other people, who when nervous would start to sweat or go red-faced he rubbed his hands together until they blistered. He was unsure of Christine, this new place, and what exactly the United States military wanted from him. This had all started to sink in…was he going to be fighting for them? Where they going to run tests on him? He’d have to ask Christine, but not here. Too public, too many ways to mess up, paranoia was starting to set in. All these questions were racing through his mind; he began to loose track of what was going on around him until Christine pulled him into the elevator.


“What’s wrong Hikaru,” She said with a bit of confusion. “Are you alright? “
“I—I’m fine...” with those last words, the elevator reached floor twenty

. Stepping out of the elevator, she led him to her room- Apartment Eighty-Eight. Swiping a card through a device on the door, it unlocked and opened. The place seemed big, in a word. Certainly bigger then he would’ve imagined. There again, she was director of a military base and could probably afford this. The paint was dark blue, hardwood flooring, leather furniture…all the things you’d expect in an upper-class house.


“So, you like it?” Christine said to break the silence.

“Wow. I wasn’t expecting something this big.” said the boy, obviously not expecting accommodations this good.

Looking around some more, he noticed it was rather well-kept, which made him feel a bit more at ease. While he was looking around, Christine called him to the hallway. Opening a door

“This is your room Hikaru “she said with a smile. It was bigger then the one he had at his ‘home’.

Walking into his new room, he began to feel better. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad. His mind then turned to what exactly he was doing here in the first place, the job forced upon him by the US Military.

“Christine.” He began “What will I be doing here…for the military I mean?”

She then slapped her forehead, feeling stupid for forgetting to tell him about the Evangelion Project. “Come to my room, I’ll show you..”


Following his new caretaker, he began to rub his hands together again. He wasn’t a very violent person, preferring to back down then fight. What did they need a fourteen year old boy anyway? He had enough problems as-is. Then he heard the doorknob click, and turn. Her room was nice, blue carpet instead of the hardwood. Two filing cabinets were placed on the wall opposite her bead, queen-sized by his estimate. Christine walked over to the right cabinet and opened the top drawer. Going to nearly the back of the drawer she picked up what seemed to be an ordinary file. Turning to her bed, she crawled up to the pillows and set Indian-Style. She signaled for Hikaru to set on the end of the bed, and placed the file in front of him.


He opened the folder, and his eyes widened. It was a picture, of a massive green, orange, and purple behemoth. It looked like something you’d see in an anime.

“I—I’m going to pilot that!?” Hikaru cried out, with both shock and fear evident in his voice.

“Yes, that is Evangelion Unit 01.” With a bit of remorse in her voice. “Its purpose is to support any United States military intervention. It is designed to fight indiscriminant warfare. An AI System was proposed but...” She then cut off.

“But what? What did it do?” He was becoming concerned for his own well-being.

Christine sighed; she didn’t want to scare him. But it’s best if he knew now then later, where he could be hurt. “The AI was scrapped. It was too much of a liability to the ‘friendly’ troops.”


“So...” began Hikaru with a tone of sadness “I’m going to be killing women and children, as well as soldiers?”

Christine hadn’t thought of it like that, she didn’t really consider what they meant by ‘indiscriminate’. It all made sense now though; they were going to force a child to kill and maim innocent people as well as soldiers. She couldn’t believe it…or she didn’t want to. She wanted to cry, they were going to turn a child into a War Criminal, but she was rather sure he would begin to cry and she didn’t need any more on her conscious.


“I—I guess that means yes…” Was all he could choke out. Christine looked into his eyes, the shy boy she first saw was gone, he realized exactly what they wanted of him. It sickened her, and the worst part was that she knew for a fact- if he declined, they would kill him.


“It—it isn’t so bad Hikaru. You…you may not have to ever pilot it.” She said with a forced smile. It was a poor attempt at trying to cheer him up, and he knew it. He managed a small smile, if just to make her feel a bit better. Hikaru looked out the window, the sun was setting. He then looked back at Christine. She had taken off her glasses and was rubbing her face with her hands. It was the worst possible thing she could imagine.

“I feel so horrible…I—I would’ve never have thought that they could conceive such a thing. This is my fault; I should’ve understood what they meant when they said ‘indiscriminant’ ”. On the verge of tears, she looks at Hikaru. Why am I crying? He’s the one who has the pilot the damned thing. She thought, which only made her feel worse.


Hikaru was in disbelief, breathing slowly. The expression on his face was nil, trying to contemplate exactly what was going on. Ever since his parents divorced, this is how he reacted to stress or extreme sadness. It could never occur to him killing another person, much less thousands of them.


Slowly taking the file from his hands, Christine looked through it to see if she could find anything that might explain why they would require something so cruel and inhuman. The only thing she could put together is that whoever decided on this project was planning something big. She thought about a possible invasion of China, but that was crazy. China had done nothing…then she remembered the current President of the United States. Miles Imhoft, founder of the Progressive Catholic-Christian party. It managed to win most of office in 2011. She didn’t like them; it went against all values of the United States. Under his reign, the US gained a national religion- Christianity. It was only passed due to their overwhelming superiority in Congress.


Christine looked at him again; he had a bit more color in his face. Maybe he was getting over it, or accepting it. “You want to talk about it, Hikaru?” She said with a forced cheerful voice.

“Might as well...what do you think I may have to do?” He said. “I mean, would I destroy cities, or just be there to…I dunno—a police action?”

Christine bit her lip, she really didn’t know. “I’m not sure Hikaru, and do you really want to know? I feel awful knowing that I have that damned thing in my base.”

Hikaru saw her point, and lowered his head. Looking out toward the window, it was dark. He couldn’t see any stars due to being so close to a city, but the moon was bright, if only a half-moon. He was then startled, Christine had put her arms around him. She was hugging him, something he wasn’t used to. Slowly putting his arms around her, he began to feel a bit better. Picking him up with some relative ease, she placed his head on the pillow beside her own. She didn’t want for him to be alone anymore, and was rather afraid of what he might do if left alone tonight. Getting out of bed to put the file back into the drawer, she turned off the light in her bedroom and laid down next to Hikaru.

Hikaru was a bit embarrassed, but was too tired to object. They both quickly drifted off to sleep…tomorrow would be a big day. Not only would he see the Evangelion in person, but he would meet the second pilot. She had purposely forgotten to tell him about the second pilot, and the other Evangelion. She thought he had enough to think about, no need for any more added stress. Sometime during the night, she rolled over to face him, and grabbed him tightly, kind of like a teddy bear.

At about seven AM Tokyo time, she woke up and realized what she had done. There he was, completely relaxed and sound asleep, with her holding him tightly. “He’s so cute; I don’t think I’ve seen him this comfortable since I picked him up.” She said softly, as to not wake him.

Christine then slowly moved her arms off and out from under him. Stretching out a bit, she looks over to him. “I don’t want to wake him up…but I guess if he’s ever going to meet Akemi…” She began to slowly nudge his shoulder, hoping he was a mildly light sleeper. She was right, and he opened his eyes.

“I’m up” He says with a yawn, and rubbing his eyes. Getting out of the bed, he looks at the clock “It’s only seven-ten Christine, why do we have to be up so early?”

“Because” she started “You’re going to meet your fellow pilot- Akemi Raimunde Souryu.” Christine then got out of bed a turned back to Hikaru “Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna’ take a shower, and get ready. I suggest a change of clothes.”

Hikaru nodded and walked out of the room. Getting the bag he had put on the floor last night, he walked to his new room to change. Taking out a white button-up shirt, and a black pair of jeans, he wondered how this new girl would be. His experience with women, up until now, hasn’t exactly been good. Not bothering to brush his hair like usual, he walked out of his room and sat down on the couch to wait for Christine.

Back in her bathroom, Christine had just got done showering, and had decided to wear a pair of blue jeans and a green v-neck. She wondered how Akemi and Hikaru would get along. She was…different, in a word. Her mother was Japanese, where as, her father was German. They had moved to Japan in 2004, Akemi was only three. Both of her parents were killed shortly after in a car crash, she didn’t seem to be bothered all that much. She was diagnosed as being Bipolar, and had a problem at conveying her feelings at times. Akemi lived with her friend, Kasumi Ayanami. They were both fourteen, and under Japanese law, they were considered adults. Akemi is a five-nine and one-hundred fifty pounds, with bright blue eyes and red mid-back length hair. Depending on when you talk to her, she can be rather eccentric, or just ‘content’. She has never really had a violent outburst with her Bipolar illness, which made people wonder if she’s just bottling up her emotions. Her friend, Kasumi was about five-seven and one-hundred-forty pounds, with short bright-blue hair and crimson red eyes, she was an albino. Her mood was usually calm-cool-and collected.

Christine walks out of her room, down the short hallway, and picked up her keys to her car. “You ready Hikaru?” She said, glancing over to him.

“Yeah, let’s go.” He said while getting up. They both walked over to the door, walked out, Christine locked it with her card. Walking to the elevator, she noticed he was rubbing his hands together again. She didn’t say anything, he couldn’t help it. The elevator reaches the ground-floor, and walk out of the lobby to her car. Starting up the car, she takes Akemi’s ID card out of her pocket and hands it to Hikaru.

“That’s Akemi; she lives on the other side of the city.” Christine said, with a bit of an eager tone, and then started the drive to the Akemi/Kasumi residence.

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Postby Dr. Strangelove » Sat Jul 08, 2006 11:51 pm

Alright, before reading this note- I am not responsible for people under the age of 18 viewing this material, as it contains discussion/scenes of rape by a minor(14yr old Japanese/German). Also note, that the 14yr old is not the rape victom.

Now thats out of the way, I give you-

Chapter 2- Friends


On the way to the Akemi/Kasumi residence, Christine began to think back to her previous encounters with the bipolar-pilot. Akemi’s psychiatrist was also one of the top people at NERV, her main purpose was to make sure they could control Akemi’s emotions; a worst-case scenario would her having a drastic change of emotion, and taking her anger and rage out on the closest thing…inside her Eva. So she regularly saw Akemi, to show any possible changes that could put personnel in danger. Her name was Akagi Ritsuko; Dr. Akagi Ritsuko. She has a rather close relationship with Akemi; she’s known her since she was ten. Four years of psychiatry had brought up some…interesting, yet disturbing results. Before being chosen by NERV, Akemi was in an orphanage, which is where she met her close friend Kasumi. Nearing her tenth birthday, the US government chooses her to be a pilot for their new Evangelion Project. While she didn’t know exactly what she was getting herself into, she got to leave the orphanage, with her friend Kasumi. They quickly realized they had a rather mentally unstable child on their hands, and instead of trying to find another one, decided to pay for her sessions with Ritsuko. They made quite a bit of progress, she learned to control her random spats of anger, but during a lot of the sessions, something kept occurring that worried most of them. When asked about how she thought about Kasumi, she would sometimes talk about a recurring dream where she raped her friend. While she didn’t actually say ‘rape’, it’s what it amounted to.

During the dream, she explained that she was enjoying it, more so then she could explain…in the beginning. The first time she explained it, Akagi was extremely worried about what this might amount to in the future. She couldn’t answer her at first; only after meeting with the director of the project could she answer the confused child. The answer was simple- As long as you do not act on it, you’ll be fine. That seemed to work at first, until she began to get older. After she turned twelve, she began to realize what exactly she was dreaming, and fantasizing about. Slowly, it got harder for her to control herself, and Akagi noted all of this, and began to delve deeper into why Akemi would even think about raping Kasumi. Akemi couldn’t explain it, but she knew that she wanted it. Ritsuko became worried about them living together, especially considering Kasumi was left in the dark about this. All she knew was that Akemi needed to see her due to her Bipolarity.

As she turned thirteen, it only got worse. During the sessions, she said she felt both disgusted and extremely aroused. It would get to the point where she would break down and start crying, she knew it was wrong, and she knew it would mentally scar Kasumi for life. But she enjoyed the thoughts and dreams so much, she enjoyed the idea of total control, Kasumi would be her little doll. Ritsuko could really do nothing about it; other then offer emotional support and help Akemi keep her self-control. She turned fourteen around a month or so ago, and in the most recent session Akemi explained exactly how close she had gotten to actually acting on her fantasy. Kasumi had fallen asleep on the couch, and Akemi was fighting not to rip off her friend’s shirt. All she did was watch her, and thinking about what she could do. Kasumi wouldn’t be able to stop her; she could easily over-power her friend. Even if she was fully awake, Akemi could easily over-power Kasumi. After hearing that from her, Ritsuko’s eyes widened and backed slowly away from the girl. For the first time, in a long time that she could remember, she was truly afraid. If she could consider such things to do to her closest friend, what might she do to a total stranger?

That was their last session; she was scheduled for one tomorrow, and Christine would be there to talk to her. She needed to know if Akemi was going to snap, and if so, what she could do about it. Christine had a feeling that it would certainly be an interesting session, and maybe they’d find a way to help her more then saying ‘Just don’t do it’. She wondered a bit on why they’d let a mentally unstable child pilot something that can single-handedly take out a city in minutes.

Soon, their house came into view. It was nice; they wanted to make sure their pilot was happy. They dared not think of what might happen if she were to loose control…even without her Evangelion, she’s a powerful girl. Getting out of the car, she turned to Hikaru.

“Be careful what you say to her Hikaru, she isn’t exactly mentally stable” said Christine.

“What do you mean she isn’t ‘mentally stable’?” Replied the boy.

“She—she’s Bipolar. While she’s good at keeping herself under control—well, let’s just say if she does get angry, it’s best to leave her alone.” Answered Christine, remembering one incident where Akemi had grabbed Ritsuko by the throat and nearly strangled her. That happened last year; the only think saving the doctor was Akemi catching herself. Poor girl, she still apologizes about that, thought Christine.


Walking up to the door, Akemi opens it before they get a chance to knock. Standing in front of them is the sweet looking Akemi, with a pleasant smile on her face. Akemi turns to look at Christine.

“Hallo Christine and—“She stops mid-sentence, not sure of the boy’s name.

“Hikaru.” He added sheepishly, he didn’t expect to feel so…intimidated. She was a lot bigger then he was, and she could snap at any moment, not exactly a good combination

“Hikaru.” She corrected herself, and moved out of the way so they could walk in. Akemi closed the door, and looked at Hikaru. So this is the other pilot. She thought, then, another ‘voice’ popped into her head. Mmm…yes, he is almost as cute as Kasumi, said the other voice with a sinister giggle. Akemi knew ‘who’ this was; it was a darker, viler part of her. This was where all her, what some may call, ‘sickening’ thoughts and urges came from. Every human on the planet has something similar to this; it’s just that hers seems to talk to her more rational mind. Akemi named this thing Raimunde, because it was her…but this part didn’t always have control. In her mind, Akemi appeared as much like she did in the real world, but Raimunde looks largely different. She is nearly the exact image of Akemi, save for longer, sharper nails, and a nearly constant sadistic grin. While Raimunde has only had a few fleeting moments of total control over Akemi (the strangling incident), she does however, have control over Akemi’s sexual fantasies. While it may not seem like much, it has gotten increasingly harder not to ignore these urges.

Leave me alone, please…isn’t Kasumi enough? It’s hard enough to stop you from hurting her, now leave Hikaru alone…please. What will it take for you to stop this? Mentally says the wavering Akemi.

You know what I want Akemi… replies the grinning Raimunde, licking her ethereal lips.

Back to reality, Akemi sighs. She knows what she wants…no, needs to do. Looking up, she notices Christine walking back towards her, Hikaru is in the kitchen talking to Kasumi,

“Are you alright Akemi?” asks a worried Christine.

“N—no, I’m not.” Replies Akemi, on the verge of tears. “Could…could you take me to my room? Please, I’m not sure if I…”

Christine understood, and grabbed the shaking teen’s hand. Luckily, she wouldn’t need to face the questions or embarrassment of walking through the kitchen to get to her room. It was at the other end of the house, and it had a lock on it. While they were walking, Raimunde ‘spoke’ again I’d go for her if she wasn’t so strong… laughed Akemi’s tormentor. A bit later, Christine opens the door to Akemi’s room. It was clean, extremely organized, nothing seemed out of place. Her bed seemed like the sheets were just cleaned, and they were…she cleans her sheets a lot.

“You want to talk about it, Akemi?” asked Christine, still worried.

Akemi was a bit surprised; she didn’t know that Christine knew about her…little secret. “Y—you know?”

“I know about all of it Akemi. Akagi writes down each session, and I have access to her notes.” Replied Christine.

This wasn’t helping Akemi’s current mental state. She could feel a mood-swing coming on. Her trust in Akagi had taken a hard blow, and she was gripping the sheets on her bed tightly. She wanted to hurt something, someone, anything. Akemi turned her head to Christine, and looked directly into her eyes. Her anger was turning to rage, and it was becoming harder not to lash out at Christine. She thinks of us as a monster, can’t you see that! Mentally screamed Raimunde. Akemi, extremely unstable, agreed with her ‘worse’ half.

Christine understood what they look meant, and began to slowly back away. Akemi was scaring her, and with good reason. The marks she made on Akagi’s neck from her hold were still clearly visible. That and she didn’t want to hurt the little girl

“You think I’m a monster, don’t you, you pig!” Yelled the unstable girl, as thousands of possible ways of dealing with this ran through her head. Akemi began to get up, shaking, her hands clenched.

Christine wasn’t one to anger quickly, but then again, no one ever had the guts to call her a ‘pig’. The words stung, but she had a feeling this wasn’t Akemi talking. Putting her own anger aside, she slowly walks toward Akemi to try and help her.

This didn’t settle well with Akemi, she felt intimidated and hurt, and now the one who was doing this to her, Christine, was coming towards her. As she got closer, Christine put out her arms to try and hug the girl. It was all she knew to do, and she was about to realize that it was the *wrong* thing to do. As Christine reaches out, Akemi claws her right arm, her nails getting a good hold, and ripping skin away as Christine pulls back.

“What the hell is wrong with you!?” Yells Christine, nearly falling to get away from the deranged child, eventually making her way to the bed of her attacker. Leaving might make it worse, so she was going to stay and see if she can find out what she did wrong…as to not do it again.

Akemi looked at her hands, her nails had bits of flesh in them, and her palms had a thin layer of crimson blood on them. She was crying, and looking at the frightened Christine on her bed. You know you want to Akemi…she’s sitting there, just waiting to be our little dolly… Said the eager Raimunde. It sounded so tempting…so easy, she could finally get what *she* secretly wanted. Her morals and sense of right and wrong were now irreverent as she made her way to Christine.

“Wha—what are you doing Akemi?” She asked, trying to be as nice-sounding as possible.

There was no answer, just a methodic moving towards Christine. Akemi began to climb up onto her bed, seeing the total fear in Christine’s eyes. She had won. The deranged, mentally unstable child had total control over someone. The thought had made Akemi wet, and now there was no turning back. She was too close to her goal.

Christine had begun to lay down, as Akemi started to look down on her. Eventually, she was entirely on top of Christine; she could look directly into her eyes. There are two inhuman eyes staring back at the terrified Christine. Her fear quells any attempt of her to stop Akemi from groping her.

“A—Akemi, please…please stop…” chokes out the trembling Christine.

All Akemi does is stare back, and raise her hand to slap Christine. “Dollies do not talk back…” replies the demented girl, her voice mono-tone.

Akemi then turns her attention to taking off Christine’s shirt. Not wanting to be punished again, Christine makes it as easy for her as possible. Underneath her shirt was a white bra, Akemi gave a sadistic grin and looked up at Christine again. She was silently crying, she couldn’t understand how much hate or anger could drive this child to do this. Akemi only smiled, now it was only a matter of her having fun with Christine.

She began to poke and prod the larger woman, in her stomach, and pinching her sides. Akemi giggles, watching her wince and bite lip, as to not scream. Turning her attention to Christine’s chest, she begins to poke and prod her breasts. Akemi was beginning to get impatient though, no matter how much fun it was watching Christine react, she couldn’t hold back any more. Ripping off the white undergarment, the only clothing she had on was her pants. Akemi grabbed Christine’s left breast hard, digging her nails into her skin.

“So soft…” says the partial German quietly.

Christine went from afraid, to horrified and disgusted. This thing, doing as it pleased on top of her didn’t seem human. Her brown eyes looked down; to see where Akemi’s other hand was- between her legs. Akemi’s eyes were closed, and her face was red. Christine knew what she was doing; she had obviously waited long enough and was now masturbating.

A small yelp from Akemi confirmed that she was done, and she collapsed on top of Christine. It was over, the horrible experience was over. The monster atop Christine had a grin on her face, Akemi finally snapped. Still trembling, she moves Akemi easily, onto her pillows. Getting up, she puts her face into hands. She had been molested by a fourteen year old girl, one she had tried to help.

Turning her head over her shoulder to look at Akemi, Christine says sobbingly “Are you happy now? Are finally sedated you little *****?” She then turned away; she couldn’t stand to look at her. Getting up, her arm and left breast was still bleeding. She didn’t care; she wanted to get Hikaru and Kasumi before she could hurt them too. Christine gathered her bra and green v-neck and re-dressed.

Walking into the connected bathroom, she cleaned up her arm, and tried to make herself look presentable. She would tell the other two later…it hurt too much now. She walked out of Akemi’s room, looking back at the girl. She still had that sadistic smile on her face. Walking down the hallway, she looked at a clock. They had gotten there at about one, and it was two-thirty now. That whole ordeal had lasted an hour and a half.

Walking through the living room, into the kitchen, Kasumi and Hikaru both turned away and looked at Christine.

Hikaru was the first to say anything: “What happened to you Christine? Are you alright?” He said while walking over to his caretaker. Both of them could see the obvious scar on her right arm.

“I—I’m fine…Akemi just lost control a bit…” Christine replied, fighting back tears. “Kasumi, get some of your things, I don’t trust keeping you and Akemi here alone.”

“Umm…alright.” Said the confused blue-haired girl.

Hikaru took Akemi’s ID card and laid it on the table in the center of the kitchen, which was the entire reason they had came. Kasumi then walked into the kitchen again, with a small suitcase.

“I’m ready Ms. Knight.” She said sweetly.

Christine looked at Kasumi, the only good thing that would come from this is that she wouldn’t have to go through the same thing she did. She then walked over to the door, opened it, and the two teens walked out. Christine would need to call Ritsuko, soon. Before Akemi could wake up, so she wouldn’t get worse. Closing the door, with Hikaru and Kasumi both in her car, she got in and drove off to her apartment.

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Postby Mr. Tines » Sun Jul 09, 2006 7:06 am

A couple of quick comments:

- Info-dumping is tricky, and best handled on a need-to-know basis, by drip feeding pieces of information before they become relevant, but only when they are about to. Points are awarded for not AWAKing (having characters info-dump out loud, usually prefaced by "As we all know…"). This lump at the front made me switch into skim mode.

- You're mixing tenses between present and narrative past e.g. when describing <del>Misato</del>Christine.

- For those of us more inclined to think of Shidou Hikaru than Shindoh Hikaru, possibly tagging "male" on the ID, or starting with describing the photo on the card would help to avoid grinding of mental gears

- paragraphs are good - the big blocks of text are rather daunting to read; there are other proof-reading level issues, but the command of the language is good.

- The under-18 warning : aren't you under 18 yourself?
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Dr. Strangelove
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Postby Dr. Strangelove » Sun Jul 09, 2006 12:01 pm

Mmmhmmm, I just put it there incase someone decides it'd be fun to sue me. With the disclaimer...they can't. Anyway, Chapter3 is nearing completetion, and it's about...16 pages IIRC, in MS Word.

Phaze
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Postby Phaze » Wed Jul 12, 2006 2:18 pm

The one carrying it however was not Hikaru, but his new caretaker- Christine Knight. An American by birth she's a bit overweight and sarcastic. With shoulder length blonde hair, brown eyes, and glasses combined with a slight hourglass figure, it’s hard to believe she's single. She doesn't seem to mind though, or at least doesn't show it. It might be because of her height, being six-two and two hundred nine pounds wasn't exactly normal for a woman.

To reenforce what that Tines fellow said, info-dumping like this reads awkwardly.
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