Anyway, here's the latest:
LoganPayne: Actually a small apish child who enjoys the thrill of bed wetting.
Chee: Actually Spanish.
Eva Yojimbo: Actually a PHD professor currently working a Latrobe university in the experimental analytical discussion department. Born in 1976 to a loving couple, Charlie and Melissa, this bouncing baby boy was much more elastic than normal children, and if dropped could bounce several feet off the ground, allowing him to be caught out using the rule one hand one bounce. Unfortunately this elasticity condition lead him to be teased very viciously in his first few years of life by jealous parents.
Melissa Jimbo wrote: I mean, I loved him a lot, but the other parents just thought he was weird, so I decided to make them all jealous of his special abilities by entering him in the local basketball tournament, as the ball.
At the age of 4, Yojimbo started showing signs of an incredible mental capacity, writing his first book entitled “The things we know”, which was later adapted to screen by director John Boorman. At the age of 7 Yojimbo became the first seven year old to stuff 156 cotton balls in his mouth without dying for longer than a minute, setting a record which was beaten 3 days later by his twin half-brother Jeffrey. Jeffrey and Yojimbo always had a vehement sibling rivalry, with Jeffrey always managing to 1-up Yojimbo at every accomplishment he made. This was until, at age 9, Yojimbo violently murdered his brother Jeffrey in what he claims was “self defence”. Jeffrey’s body was found with several drill holes in his chest, strapped to a table in the backyard of his family home. Yojimbo was later convicted of murder and sentenced to 3 weeks of community service.
Charlie Jimbo wrote:I mean, it was hard on all of us, including our dozen cats, it was just really really really, really really kinda hard, y’know.
At age 13 Yojimbo started high school, and immediately became the local bully. Being more elastic than all the other children the saying “I am rubber, you are glue, etc.” carried added meaning. Eventually Yojimbo was expelled from 4 public schools and 3 military academies before finding his way to Endolphin High, where he met his high school sweet heart Joanne.
Joanne Shobler wrote:I mean, I knew he was different, I could tell the first time I saw him walking towards me with that ridiculous fake limp of his. But he was just so weird that I couldn’t resist the urge to touch his face with my nipples.
Eventually Yojimbo graduated high school, and became home coming queen because he threatened the vote counters.
After high school Yojimbo worked in electrics for several years, before the outbreak of mutant metal eating termites devoured every piece of metal in his home town. He realised that he had to leave and find a new place to live, and leave behind the love of his life, Barry, his fellow workmate he met shortly after Joanne ran away to the Ukraine.
Barry Orblemepenstien wrote:I mean, it hurt sure, especially when he punched me in the cervix, but I knew he just wanted to do what he wanted to do, and I knew that nothing I could say was going to stop him from getting right out of this here hole in the ground.
After several years of working, Yojimbo finally managed to climb out of the hole that his home town was sitting in, and made his way to Californee. He had heard stories as a young boy about how beautiful it was, and how the sunlight glistened of the large piles of biohazardous waste that was dumped in the town centre for no apparent reason.
Mayor of Californee wrote:I mean, I know it wasn’t the best place to put it, but you know, you have to put it somewhere.
So after making the incredible journey across mountains and roadways on him magic flying talking dog, Yojimbo finally made it to Californee at age 27, just in time to see it destroyed by the horrible Millennium bug.
Y2K Bug wrote: I mean, I know it’s a big hassle for everyone and all, but I just really like destroying cities when a new millennium rolls around. I mean, cmon, you gotta celebrate somehow.
So after Yojimbo’s dreams were shattered, figuratively and literally, because the Millennium bug is also telepathic, Yojimbo decided to reside in Florence for a little while and raise a family.
Florence Jimbo wrote: I mean, you can definitely call it residing, cause he was in me pretty much all the time. I was really sore.
After several years of hedonistic sex, Florence fell pregnant, and Yojimbo decided to marry her. The wedding was beautiful, I should know, I was there. The speech Yojimbo gave at the end of the evening, although a tad long, blew my mind for the bits I was awake for. Immediately after the wedding Yojimbo skipped town and left his beautiful wife to rot, along with their son, Burble Jimbo, named after his first words.
After several years of cross country running, which earned him several medals and a chance to compete in the Olympics, which he very rudely turned down by vomiting all over the president of the Olympics, Yojimbo decided to get a proper education, enrolling in several classes at Harvard, including Advanced theoretical physics, and quantum entanglement theory. After failing miserably he then decided to forge the necessary documentation in order to teach at primary schools on a part time basis. When he was caught stealing children and selling them to the Koreans, he decided to forge a doctorate in talking really loud, like in caps ‘n’ shit yo, and made his move to Latrobe. After several years of teaching talking really loud, like in caps ‘n’ shit yo, he moved on to the experimental analytical discussion department where he now resided today, because he is too cheap to afford his own place.
What does the future hold for Yojimbo? I don’t know, go ask someone else.
Someone Else wrote: I mean, I know it’s a silly name but I had no choice in the matter really, my parents were the buffoons who chose “Someone” as my first name. They probably forgot that their last name was Else or some shit, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anyway, because they’re dead now. Thanks for bringing it up, jackass.