I know it is egotistical of me to create a second thread with my name in the title. I'm aware that I am often attention-seeking, but with that in mind, this is really more about you than me. It would take too long to individually PM every one, and I can't be sure what each of you thought of me, so I think a thread like this is the best way to communicate with each other. I hope the mods don't mind, so please nobody be silly, because I don't want this to be the cause of any trouble. This will not be an entertaining post, so please don't read this if you think you'll be easily put into a bad mood, but I hope we can make each other smile as the thread grows. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read, but I don't demand it of anyone, and I don't want to be a bother, but I still want to be honest. I hope I find a good balance.
A lot has happened in just a short month. I'm surprised I'm this clear-headed. It kind of seems like the last time I posted here was months and months ago. Time hasn't flowed the same for me for a while, but I finally feel like my calendar is syncing up with the earth's rotation. I was planning on vanishing quietly so as not to be burdensome, but my boyfriend (more on this later) recently told me quite forcefully that it is cruel to preempt people's feelings, and assume they wouldn't care. He's right, because I feel bad reading the things people have sent me since I decided that. So, for those of you who enjoyed my pressence, I thought I'd share a bit, in case you were worried. I used to think it was stupid to assume people cared, but maybe it is just as stupid to... well... should I really be making assumptions about what other people are thinking? If I tell people things, it feels like I'm fishing for attention, but it also feels like I am if I vanish and people worry. I can't win, can I? It is presumptuous of me to think I can get away with such a thread, after only being a part of the community for a few short months, but... it feels like I should. Best to be honest with myself.
My boyfriend surprised me with tickets to the Ottawa showing of Evangelion 1.0 last week, even though he doesn't really like it. He even apologized that it was the dub version, even though I don't think I've ever ranted to him about how much I dislike it. It was visually overwhelming and I cried a few times and the imagery was very... I don't know, like a spiritual experience, sort of like when I saw U2 for the first time after years of listening to them. I'd never seen an anime on a "real" screen before. There'd been no advertising, so the audience was all hardcore fans, and it felt sort of... like attending church after skipping for a long time. Weird, eh?
I was reading the Viz edition of the manga last night, and there is an afterword by Carl Horn (he posts here) talking about this very website, and I felt... hmmm... I don't know. I thought I should come and say something.
My Ode: I love this site. I lurked for ages before I joined, and every time I read the manga or watch the movies or the series or anything, I always think about Evageeks. So many of the threads and discussions have shaped my thinking on Anno's work, and I can confidently say my enjoyment of this series (perhaps my favourite work of narrative fiction ever) has been enriched by joining this site and speaking with you all. I had a lot of fun in that messy lovethread, in the genderbending threads, in the endless plot/character/metaphysical speculation threads, the silly threads... a lot of fun in general, just chatting with people and getting to know you all, even if it was "only" over the internet. I didn't always have a lot to offer on the finer points of the Eva universe, but just reading and participating as best as I could, I took a lot away. There's no point in naming names, because that'd be a long list, and anyone who has ever exchanged words with me should know that I appreciated it, no matter the level of our conversation. The staff/moderators here really have things under control, and I felt far more comfortable here than at any other geek/gaming/anime forum I'd been to before. Any disagreements I've had were just little mood quivers, and I can truthfully say there is no one here that I dislike. This is a really rare place, so you should all thank the people who make it possible and keep everything from unraveling. You should also thank all of your fellow posters, who are a unique and colourful bunch.
Years and years from now, I'm sure I'll still think of Evageeks whenever I watch Neon Genesis Evangelion. I'm not alone in this, I think, so you should all be very proud and happy to be a part of this. It sounds really dorky and sappy, but art is important, and anything that makes us think deeply and differently about art can only make us more super-awesome than we were before. Thank you and thank you for putting up with my quirks (and the quirks of everyone else, because I'm not the only quirky person here).
Hmmm... I guess I'll explain why I was gone for a bit, and why I'm not going to be on the internet anymore for the... hmm... I don't know. It would be safe to assume I'll be gone indefinitely, because once I leave something for a long enough time I don't always come back, but maybe I will. But I doubt I'll ever post the way I did. I'll be at my cottage (they've been renovating like mad) for a few months, my job's given me leave for a bit (we're not a big company, family-like), and I might end up traveling with my boy for a while, writing about art, seeing things and changing my perspective.
I've had an epiphany.
Some might recall that I was in a love triangle a month or two ago, between the so-called love of my life (we'll call him "MA") and my childhood friend who'd lived on my street and I'd known since I was two (now my boyfriend, we'll call him "PV"). I became increasingly happy and delusional as this went on, drunk off the random attention (I'd put myself in self-enforced celibacy for two years after the messy hypersexuality that in part led me to getting help for bipolar disorder). As my doctor tells me, one of the reasons hypomania (or mania in general) is so wonderful is that you lose a level of self-awareness, the same self-awareness that makes so many of us anxious. You could say the cast of Neon Genesis Evangelion had too much self-awareness, beating themselves up over things. But me, I felt none of that. Eventually I moved into PV's orbit more fully, and MA faded from the picture. PV and I went to art galleries and museums (I made an art thread about that) and spent a lot of time together getting to know each other on a very different, more sincere level. We knew each other very well, better than our own siblings, so I began to think things weren't moving fast enough.
I wasn't online much the first few days because I was so happily distracted by PV. Things shifted pretty quickly, and what I'm about to describe unfolded in less than a week. It is still quite raw, but I'm weirdly detached... but I'll gloss over the weirder bits. I'm not looking for pity or advice or anything, I just wanted to be honest, because I think hiding these things doesn't do anything to solve these problems. Hiding is the problem, and I have to stop it. I'm such an open and honest person that it is easy to hide things. If I've shared explicit accounts of my sex life, why would you suspect I was hiding anything? But it is the important things I've hidden far too often. Anyway...
I started trying to pull the moves on him, but what I didn't realize was how unhinged I was becoming, and PV, he was very aware of it, and trying to be gentle and careful with me, while I was being pushy and aggressive and saucy and minxy. He says it was very difficult, as every day I'd approach him from a new angle, and on the day of our big fight, I literally went through a dozen personas in an effort to seduce him. He turned me down, the first boy to do so. From my perspective at the time (as a manic blissed-out goddess of the universe) this was crushing and bewildering. Hadn't I waited long enough? I was fine, what was his problem? My mistake was the same mistake that has often made me shut people out, in that I don't trust their view of me, only my own view of myself. For all of the relationship/social advice I was giving out in that other thread, I should apologize, because the mistakes I made are definitely not something a real life guru would ever do. It is really embarrassing and shameful, but it feels like it was a different Ophelia, someone completely different. I don't understand it myself.
After being turned down I broke my celibacy with MA, but it felt like he was a doll, or a shell, and my euphoric craziness soon became something else. It wasn't the lovemaking I'd wanted, it was like sleeping with a pile of meat. I felt like I was the only living person, that everyone else was empty, that maybe I was dreaming. To be honest, it is difficult to describe, since right now I am actually in a fairly good mood. PV will be coming over after his work to spend time with me and I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't get what went through this other Ophelia's head. I guess that's why they call it a "disorder".
My first mistake was to refuse to listen to my dear, kind, selfless friend. I should have known better. I should have trusted PV, who knows me better than I could have ever realized. My second mistake was to think it would be a good idea to have just have a little bit to drink, just to bring out a few tears and "let it out". Sometimes a cry makes you feel better. I underestimated how much it would take to change my thinking. PV came over because he was worried about me after our fight, because I probably looked pretty crazy. I have the bad habit of not locking my doors (since I usually am so happy I feel invincible or so sad I don't care for my own safety) and he has the bad habit of just walking into the house (since our families are close and our parents were friends before we were). He came in and he tried to help me, and I told him I'd slept with MA to make him jealous, to incite him to act, but he didn't get mad and was instead concerned. His selfless kindness pissed me off and I threw a glass at his head but I can't throw at all and it just got all over the floor. I chased him out and then the rest is just... really pointless to talk about, because there is nothing logical about any of it. The best way to describe it is that I had a very clear understanding of what kind of person I was, and what kind of world I lived in, and what would make it better.
PV was only scared off long enough to collect his thoughts. He has no ego, and doesn't take anything personally. His concern was never that I was angry at him, but that I was acting weird, so he came back later. I did not consider him, and I certainly did not consider my parents who were at the cottage, and what it would be like when they came back. I didn't write anything down, although if anyone had looked in my dairy there were enough half-started goodbyes dating back to the late 1990s to more than make up for my lack of a note. It wasn't really a planned thing.
He came up the stairs while I was sitting in the tub, filling it up, with stuff laid out on the edge of the tub. I hadn't done anything yet. Apparently I giggled at him, and he says I didn't say anything until hours later.
The following days/weeks are fairly predictable and uncomfortable so that's all I'll say. My doctor's impressed with how I am now, and says that I'm not a danger, but that I was in that state. I knew what I was doing, how hard I needed to press and in what direction. It'd have taken a few minutes. I can't speak for that "other" Ophelia (and it is pointless to try and figure out that thought process), but... I think I really wanted to do it then... but right now, I very much want to live. I guess my epiphany came at the hospital when I saw PV cry for the first time, and I realized that I had been so caught up in my own world that I didn't realize... well... it is hard to articulate. I just felt like there had been this really strong connection between us forever, covered in dust or something, and I breathed and all the dust blew away and I finally understood. Does that make sense? It is worse than a bad romance novel, I'm sorry. I pride myself on empathy, but so often I used empathy just to get what I wanted from people, but with PV now I want to slow down and learn how to understand people better. I realize there are a lot of things I want to do. I want to make things, books, art, you name it, and I want to share those things with people, even if it only a few people, or just him, or whatever. I think that kind of life isn't so bad.
He's coming to the cottage with me. We consummated this week, and we spent all day slowly and carefully getting to know each other in this way that was new for us, and it was not the wildest thing ever, but it felt strikingly real, and my mind and body were finally in agreement. We might be there for a few months, and some of my other family is going to come and I'll visit with people. The past week I've been talking to a lot of my friends, many of whom I'd ignored, and I feel like I'm dragging around less baggage, if that's possible. So, I've had some practice talking about this thing... although it is easier to type. This is far easier than talking with my parents, or seeing my mother cry, or anything like that. Those conversations were far more melodramatic than this... I feel weird that I keep on qualifying myself but... I'm feeling very sensitive to these things. Compared to mom, telling you these things is quite easy.
Hmm... I sort of want to delete all of this and just say I'm going on a long holiday, but every time I watched Evangelion I'd be reminded of how I lied to another group of people just to avoid the pain of being honest with myself and others. I hope you don't mind me sharing, and I don't want this to be a big downer or anything, but I'm writing this because I've enjoyed my time here.
I also feel kind of bad that I didn't finish my fanfiction... I probably won't. I can tell you what I was going to do with it, if you'd like. PV's family is very... hrmm... business-oriented, you could say, and they wanted us to do some "creative consulting" work for them, so that's what we might do (partially) while traveling. I want to visit my family in Europe. There are so many things I promised to do with people, and I really want to nurture the connections I have with them. I guess I'm not really nurturing the connections I have with you, by leaving the internet for so long, but I'm trying to simplify my life, and I want to start with the people I've known in the "real" world for years and years.
It is funny that it was my doctor who suggested that I go on this "retreat". I thought he'd want to lock me up in a box. I felt like I deserved that. He says the best ways to fight this disorder is to surround myself with people and to honestly connect with them, will all my heart, with people I trust and love. He says my relationship with PV has a great foundation and history, and it is people like him, not lithium or therapy, that will make me healthy and happy. But I'm not going to the cottage until the weekend after this, so if you'd like to talk to me here in this thread, that'd be nice. I'll feel good if we can have a nice goodbye thread, much like I've felt better after talking to the other people in my life about this. If you want to share things as well, I don't mind, but I want to avoid too much melodrama... I guess it is kind of stupid of me to say that, after typing all of this, but I hope you can understanding where I'm coming from. I want to talk about the things we've learned, and the good things that have happened, rather than a litany of woe. Does that make sense? I don't want this to be like a hotline. I don't feel like I'm really making a lot of sense these days, so I want to apologize if this is all really mucky. If you want to know more, if you think it'd help you in some way, I can speak candidly about placing the razor blade on the side of the tub, but I can't really speak about what was inside my mind when that was happening. I don't mind if you ask questions, but I might not answer, but don't take it the wrong way. Especially the first few days after the incident... it is a really shameful thing to think about. But I have such wonderful people who love me, even if I didn't realize how much, and I consider myself really lucky, because there are millions of people in my position who don't have people looking out for them.
Maybe I'll come back and post again now and then. When the DVD-rip fansub of Evangelion 2.0 comes out, maybe I'll come back and talk about it with all of you. I think I'd like that. We'll see if I'm in a country/place with internet access.
Hope to you see sonish Ooo-kun! And "Congratulations!" 
