The sun had turned the sky a furious orange by the time Shinji got home from school. The elevator was slow and smooth. Whoever did maintenance on it apparently didn't care that very few people used it and still did a good of keeping it up. He swiped his key on the lock automatically. The first time he had crossed this door he'd hesitated. He'd never had a home—yes, he'd lived with relatives but it was hardly home—and here was this kind stranger, a pretty dark-haired woman, offering her home to him; he couldn't refuse but that didn't mean he couldn't have doubts about sharing such intimacy with someone he hardly knew.

Shinji removed his shoes at the entrance, throwing down his book bag next to them. The apartment's layout was simple enough, a kitchen just inside the door with an adjacent bathroom, a large living room which led immediately to the master bedroom and the terrace, and down a short corridor to the second bedroom and a closet. When he'd first moved in he'd taken the smaller room, but when Asuka had arrived he'd been moved to the closet across the hall. He hadn't complained—he didn't own that much stuff and Asuka owned piles. She needed the space more than he did. He could have moved back, certainly; Asuka had been in the hospital for ages and was not likely to return.

“I'm home, Misato,” he called as he entered the kitchen, not expecting her to be there.

The untidy wooden table and chairs made navigating the cramped space tricky. As he came around, Shinji frowned at the sight of a girl's school uniform neatly hanging from the back of one of the chairs.

Carefully, he picked up the thin bit of red ribbon the girls wore tied around the collars of their shirts from where it had been set and examined it. Why was this here? Had Misato decided to clear Asuka's stuff? No. The uniform was clean, freshly pressed—not the sort of thing that would have been hanging in a closet gathering dust for months.

Then why?

“I wanted to tell you.”

Shinji looked up and saw Misato standing under the doorway leading to the rest of the apartment. Her dark eyes looked him over then dropped to the uniform. She seemed tired; her expression was one of concern. “Asuka is being released in a few days.”

“Really?” Shinji could not fight the smile that crept over his features. “Is she cured?” he asked eagerly. “Is she doing okay?”

“She's ... better.” Misato did not look at him. “I thought maybe you would like to come with me to the hospital when I get her. I know she'd appreciate it.”

“Sure,” Shinji said, but Misato's strangely evasive gaze finally got his attention. Whenever they got a chance to talk she always seemed happy to see him, even if she wasn't feeling particularly upbeat; she always made an effort so the few moments they spent together were enjoyable. She would at least look at him. “Misato? Is there something wrong? With Asuka?”

Misato sighed, leaning heavily against the door frame. “Not with Asuka. It's ... ” Her face became hard, determined, and she took a deep breath. “There's no easy way for me to say this so I'll just say it: I need you to pilot Eva again.”

Shinji let the ribbon slip from his hand.

Misato quickly added, “I know I promised you wouldn't have to, but the Commander thinks there are more Angels on the way so we have to be ready.”

“But you promised.” Anger came suddenly over him, strong and unwelcome. It was like a burning wave that washed over him, a rush of emotion that swallowed everything in its path. “You promised!”

Misato shook her head. “I know I did, Shinji. Believe me. If there were anything else I could do--”

“You promised!”

“I know. I'm sorry.” Misato’s voice was soft. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s not good enough!” The words were out almost as soon as Shinji had thought them. Somewhere in the back of his mind there was a whisper of restraint, that part of him that felt he owed Misato the chance to explain. He ignored it. “Every time I get on that thing someone gets hurt! Toji. Rei. Asuka. And … Kaoru. Every time! How can you ask me to go back? Don’t you understand what it feels like? Don’t you? Being sorry is not good enough! That doesn’t make it better. It doesn’t take the pain away. You are not the one that has to deal with it!”

“Shinji, I’ve tried to understand—I really have—but your father—this is his order.”

“He can’t make me!” Shinji bellowed. “And neither can you. I don’t care if you have orders. You're a monster just like my father!”

As that last accusation left his lips he knew he had just crossed a line in the sand. It was a horrible thing to say, especially to someone who moments before he had been convinced cared about him.

Her widening eyes shimmered on the verge of tears and she was taken aback. In his anger he was glad that he could hurt her so deeply merely with words.

“You are right,” Misato tried to keep her voice from quivering, succeeding only just barely, “I can’t make you. But you are a man. And some times men have to do things they don’t like because they are the right things, because people depend on them. Your choices affect more than just you. Your words—” she stopped and for a moment seemed unable to gather her thoughts “—Shinji, I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not …”

But Shinji was not listening anymore.

“You are a monster!”

That was the end and Misato recognized it. Nothing she could say would change his mind and she knew it. No matter how she tried to justify her breaking her promise, he would not accept it. He would not pilot Eva again. Visibly deflated, she just nodded and swallowed further argument.

Shinji didn’t watch her retreat, instead picking the little ribbon off the floor and dropping, exhausted and betrayed, on the nearest chair, laying his head into his hands.

Rei Ayanami always sat alone outside of class, and she was always reading a book. Nobody ever approached her to try to talk to her. Nobody ever talked about her either, the way they some times did about Asuka and the other girls. It was like she didn't really exist to the other students. And while this never seemed to bother her in the slightest, Shinji could not stand it, and so, when he got out of clean-up duty and saw Rei sitting on a bench in the school courtyard he could not resist going over to her.

“Being alone is a choice.” Rei said as approached.

Shinji choked on his words, and wondered how someone so quiet could be so perceptive. Or was he simply that transparent? “I'm just ... worried about you,” he said uncertainly.

“Why?” Rei did not look up from her reading, her voice remained soft and even—any other girl would have sounded uninterested.

“Well, because people aren't mean to be alone.” To Shinji there was something about the words that sounded hollow; he had spent so much of his life alone that it almost sounded like a lie.

“Some people chose to be alone because that is the only way to truly find oneself.”

“And what did you find?” Shinji asked.

It wasn't intended as a deep question--he hadn’t thought of it like that--just an attempt to get her talking and opening up, but he realized belatedly that it indeed one of the more esoteric things he had ever asked her.

“That I do not understand.” There was long moment of silence after that, then, “Why do you refuse to pilot Eva?”

Shinji was taken aback. That question had been haunting him for a while now. After being abused by Asuka on the subject he was unwilling to bring it up again, but her accusation that he was being childish still stung. With that, and the memory of the awful things he'd said to Misato, he could not bring himself to answer.

“I will tell you--” Rei started but he cut her off.

“Please don't. Asuka's already mad at me for this. And Misato. I don’t want you to be mad at me too.”

“I will tell you why I will pilot,” Rei finished. “It is because life without purpose is worse than death.”

Instantly Shinji's eyes widened, his fists clenched. “Rei, they can't make you!” he bellowed. “You ... you ... it killed you! And now you are just gonna go back? You can't!”

Rei’s calm demeanor was a great contrast to his outrage. “When Unit-00 is ready, I will be its pilot.”

“No!” His voice trembled as he said the word, suddenly unable to fight the downpour of emotions. Rei had died in her Eva—had died to protect him. She couldn't go back. And if she did, wouldn't that make him a coward? Rei had suffered horribly because of her Eva, and she had as much reason—perhaps more—to refuse piloting it as he did. “No! You can't do this to yourself. It's Father, isn't it? Rei, if you care about me at all, you won't do this, no matter what he says.”

“And if you care, you will understand,” Rei said softly.

But Shinji was not willing to let it go. He owed it to Rei Ayanami to protect her, like she had done for him. He reached down, taking her shoulders in his hands and turned her to face him, half lifting her out of the bench. Her expression was of surprise; her eyes slightly wider than usual, lips pressed together. “Ikari?”

“Please, listen to me, Ayanami,” he said, aware that he was on the verge of tears. “The last time you were in the Eva, you got caught by an Angel. I couldn't help you. And you were in pain, I could hear you screaming, but instead of letting it attack me, you ... you said goodbye to me and you ... I had to watch you die!”

The corners of her eyes sank. “Is that why you will not pilot, because you are afraid?”

Shinji nodded slowly. He found it difficult to keep his gaze locked with hers. Admitting his feelings was never an easy thing to do. “I am afraid to lose anything more.”

At that, Rei's features relaxed once again and returned their usual neutrality. “You should not be. If you will not move because you are afraid, even when those around you need you to, then you have already lost everything.”

Shinji let go of her. “Ayanami.”

“Do not call me that. That was what you called her,” she added, noticing the look on his face. “I am Rei. I am different.” She raised her hands over her heart. “But I am also the same. And I am not afraid. And I will still move because I have something I do not want to lose.”

“What's that?” Shinji asked, rubbing a forearm across his teary eyes.

“You.”

Somehow that single word carried more with it than his entire side of the conversation, and the shock of it reduced any reply he might make to utter rubbish. Rei--the name sounded so perfect in his head--was not who he had feelings for, but that didn't mean he shouldn't care. Being different didn't erase what she had done on his behalf. And he couldn't let her put herself in danger while he refused to stop thinking about himself. Other people needed him, and it was for them that he should decide, and become a man.

Just as Misato had said.

Suddenly he realized he owed his dark-haired guardian an apology. What his father had told him so long ago, that he needed to stand on his own two feet, suddenly sounded all too true.

“Excuse me!” Asuka's sharp voice broke into his thoughts. “I hate to interrupt your secret little meeting, but Shinji and I should be headed home.”

Shinji turned to find the redhead standing at the edge of the courtyard, staring them down with a glare. He didn't feel that barging in and imposing herself like this was a very nice thing to do, but nothing good would come from point out such detail. Rei seemed totally indifferent, not surprisingly.

Feeling like he had settled something with his conscience, he turned briefly to offer Rei a farewell, telling her to take care, then followed Asuka.

“So, you and Wonder Girl? All hooked up, uh?” Asuka said in a sarcastically syrupy tone as they walked down the steps from the school's main entrance and down onto the street. “I suppose it fits. She's the only one with less personality than you.”

“We are not hooked up. She is not ...” Shinji caught himself, uncertain if Asuka had ever found out what had happened to Rei Ayanami. “She is not interested.”

“Oh, please, I saw the look on her face when you grabbed her.” She turned her voice into a raspy imitation of Rei's soft tones. “ ‘Oh, Ikari, your touch is so manly. Take me. I'll follow orders, just tell me what to do, like the obedient little puppet I am.’ ”

“Rei's not a puppet,” Shinji said, annoyed.

Asuka rolled her eyes. “You probably like your girls like that, thought, right?” she said, her voice grating once again. “Obedient? Servile? Dancing on strings without a mind of their own?”

Shinji didn't respond to Asuka's provocation. They walked towards the train station under the last golden glimmer of sunlight, neither saying a word. The streets were mostly empty, only a few students lingered around the shops, buying snacks or giving the nearby arcade a whirl. He recognized none of the faces, and it seemed strange how detached he had become from any sort of normalcy, and how he had never bothered to meet any new people so that he also might have friends to hang out with after school.

They stepped onto the train platform, joining several more students also waiting for the train.

“I can't believe I'm stuck with you,” Asuka said out of the blue. “I wish Kaji were here.”

This was a subject Shinji hoped he would never have to talk to her about, and would be happiest if it was not brought up ever again. It had been painful enough to hear Misato's distraught cries when she listened to the message on her answering machine. He knew what had happened, nobody needed to tell him, but if Asuka refused to believe him that was fine. That it would mean living in denial mattered very little.

Shinji pressed his lips together, but realized it would seem strange, uncaring even, if he didn't say anything. “Yeah, me too.”

Asuka did not seem to notice his reply at all and instead stared wistfully at the tracks.

Sailor Star Dust wrote:
.....I just hope it's nothing like Kensuke and Toji get "revenge" on Asuka, or anything with an Izurumi A Series flavor, since that sorta thing has been done before.

They'll have another appearance at Shinji's request later on though. :twisted:

(and maybe Mike but I don't know yet :p ).

Ritsuko turned her head to give Maya an odd look of approval. Misato felt as though the cold doctor's demeanor had started to rub off on her warm-hearted protégé. Like some kind of disease that would eventually shut out all humanity that the young girl might still have left.

In that single instant of pure resentment, Shinji raised his hand and slapped her across the face.

Sailor Star Dust wrote:

(and maybe Mike but I don't know yet :p ).

Hey, that's my buddy you're talking about! :(

JimmyWolk wrote:

Sailor Star Dust wrote:

(and maybe Mike but I don't know yet :p ).

Hey, that's my buddy you're talking about! :(

Well, if he doesn't check there to confirm that he worked on it... :P

"Hell is other people … and so is pain."

Asuka would agree, don't you think?

Sailor Star Dust wrote:I see.

I just I'll just have to wait and see what's going on then. ^^

"Hell is other people … and so is pain."

Asuka would agree, don't you think?

Yep. I believe Tines attributed this quote to Asuka once, which I can see how that works.

Sailor Star Dust wrote:Yep. I believe Tines attributed this quote to Asuka once, which I can see how that works.

Major Misato Katsuragi sat in the cubicle that passed for her office. Her desk, usually stacked high with paperwork, was now empty. She was leaning forward on her chair, resting her head on the desk, folding her arms underneath it as a pillow, her eyes closed. She was tired, more tired than she had felt since the Angels had stopped showing up.

She could go home, Misato thought to herself, but then she would have to face the fallout. She would have to go up to Shinji and Asuka and admit to them that she had made a mistake.

It was painfully clear it had been a bad idea to have Asuka move back in. Almost as painful as it was to admit that Ritsuko had been right. Asuka should have stayed in Dogma, and as far away from Shinji as possible. Misato had thought it would be better for Asuka to have some company—after all the time she had spent alone in the hospital she had to want some company.

But Misato had been wrong, and now she had to pick up the pieces.

"Still moping?"

Misato recognized the voice instantly. She did not even bother to open her eyes to look at Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. She heard the blonde woman step into the room, her heels clicking.

"You can call it that, I guess," Misato said, her voice a low drawl. "I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't."

She heard Ritsuko pull a chair and sit in front of her desk.

"I should have listened to you, Ri-chan,” Misato said miserably, unable to wait for the admonishment she knew had to be coming from her so-called friend. “You always know best."

"You couldn't have predicted this would happen, Misato." Ritsuko said, and for a second her comforting tone threw Misato for a loop.

Suddenly not believing this could be the same person whose inhumanity she’d come to despise, Misato opened her eyes. Sure enough it was Ritsuko. And she looked … sympathetic. For once she seemed like she was willing to listen.

And Misato could not hold onto her anguish any longer. "I don't know what to do. They are really gonna end up killing each other. I can't watch them all the time. I can’t make them like each other. I can’t even talk to Asuka without her hating me.”

“I guess we should separate them," Ritsuko suggested. "I can get Asuka a place inside Central Dogma with just a phone call. Or I could give her a prescription if you think her mood has become the problem."

"I’m not going to have her medicated.” Misato shook her head firmly. “It’ll likely only make things worse. Besides, I DARE you to make her take anything she doesn’t want to. You’d have an easier time trying to get a tank to stop on a dime.”

Ritsuko didn’t really have a sense of humor, but she did give Misato a grin. “I supposed you are right. What about staying at Central Dogma?”

“I don't want her to be alone, either. I think maybe I should try to get her to stay with a friend. Someone she won't try to kill."

“I imagine that’s a very short list.”

Indeed, Misato thought, a very short list. Asuka, for all her flamboyance, didn’t really any friends. Of course, it didn’t really help that she thought she was better than anyone else, but Misato still found it remarkable that she’d managed to alienate even those closest to her. She was like a celebrity in that people wanted to be seen with her simply because of who she was, but her harsh personality made sure she wasn’t really liked.

Shinji was the exact opposite, much more introverted and far less showy, and yet he did have people around him. Because at least he allowed them to be.

Misato had the best intentions in bringing Asuka home. She thought she was doing her a favor by giving her the support she needed, the kindness she deserved. In reality, all she did was place an unfair burden on Shinji by expecting him to be able to deal with someone who, as wounded as she might be, could still lash out as violently as Asuka did.

“Well, I don’t think I can help with this,” Ritsuko added, noticing Misato was not responding. “You’d agree that human relations isn’t my area of expertise.”

Misato almost chuckled. That was as good as self-deprecating humor got for Ritsuko, and that she would recognize that in herself instead of offering her usually cold retorts told Misato she was taking the situation seriously.

“You know, you are such a good liar, Ritsuko Akagi,” Misato said. “You walk around making everyone think you don’t have a heart. But you are really a big softie.”

Ritsuko made a face that indicated she didn’t quite agree, but just as she was about to reply Misato hear a strange humming noise. The blonde reached into a jacket pocket and pulled out a vibrating pager. “Duty calls,” she said, getting to her feet. “Oh, when you decide what to do about Asuka let me know. I must be able to get in touch with her."

Pursing her lips, Misato fought the urge to think that might be Ritsuko’s real reason for talking to her. "I will." she scoffed. "Don't worry, this won't interfere with your project."

"See to it that it doesn't, Misato." Ritsuko said. "The Commander is displeased enough with Lazarus's setbacks. Problems with the children are the last thing we need now. It’s important that we stick to our schedule."

Misato pressed her lips into a pout. "When are you going to tell me exactly what's going on?"

"When you need to know. Don't worry, it'll be sooner than you think. I wouldn’t keep anything crucial from you, if only on the basis that I’m not a tactician and tactical abilities are required. The Commander understands that to."

Misato straightened up and locked her dark eyes with Ritsuko's. “In other words you’ll just ring your little bell when you need me.”

The blonde doctor shook her head and smiled weakly. "You look like hell, Misato." She reached out with a hand and tousled Misato's long purple hair. "Get some sleep. If you don't want to go home, that's fine, but do get some rest."

"Nah, I think I'd rather have a beer."

Ritsuko shook her head disapprovingly and disappeared beyond the door into the hallway beyond, heels clicking away into silence.

Deciding that she wasn’t going to help anyone by sitting around mopping, Misato reached into one of her desk drawers and pulled a little address book. To be honest she should have already programmed the number she was looking for into her cell-phone. She just never had the time; never thought to bother.

The name and number stared at her from the tiny page—her last resort. It was wither this or Asuka would have no choice but to be alone. Only one person would take her in, as she had done before.

So, feeling ashamed that she would have to ask this again, Misato dialed Hikari Horaki.