Reichu wrote:Hours are ticking down to my shift. Getting increasingly exhausted. Seems the plan is to just call my boss. Explain that I have to quit without prior notice because of the unexpected, and wholly unsustainable, physical and mental toll the work is taking on me. Should just get it over with. But I'm terrified of attempting the call so long as there's this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I could break down again with little provocation.
I had a job like that once, it was at a bulk grocery store as a cashier. You know, the ones where instead of nice shelves it looks more like home depot with food, which is mostly displayed stacked in the shipping boxes. I liked it at first, but then I started to hate it, and I hated it
a lot. I hated it so much, the attention to my work got so poor, I gave someone the wrong change (instead of one $50 bill I gave them two) and I was fired before I could quit. I wish I had quit when I had the chance, instead of letting myself get to that level. It's like a band-aid, you just have to rip it off quick, even if you do cry on the phone, you'll feel extremely relieved once the call is over.
Reichu wrote:This depression is bad. When I'm aware of it, it's this feeling that I'm being violently corroded, or sucked away, but the process never ends. This dive into the void is perpetual, ending only when I do. "Nothingness" is one of the only words that comes to mind to describe it, but it's also completely inadequate, because this isn't nothing. It's very much something. If it were nothing, it wouldn't produce a dull ache so unbearable that one passively wishes for the only escape that exists, that of not existing at all. All passion turns gray, foggy, distant. Why do I persist in continuing to suffer my own pitiful existence? This is the loneliest feeling there is.
I've been in the same place a few times. You just have the feeling that there isn't anything to exist for, with that dull ache pounding next to your heart like a little black hole or something is in your chest, eating you from the inside. I don't know how I got out of it the last time couple times, it just sort of happened, and I know it could come back at any time. The only advice I can confidently give is to just look at the last line of my signature.
DarkBluePhoenix wrote:"That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Words of Wisdom from German Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.
Depression isn't a bad thing, it just happens sometimes, for reasons even psychologists can't easily explain. As long as you pull though the depression, it
will make you stronger. I know I'm better for having been depressed several times in my relatively short life (which is for reasons that would take far too long to explain). I've found Evangelion when I was depressed, and I started to write my fanfiction when I was depressed most recently several months ago. Without my bouts of depression I wouldn't be the me I am today, and you wouldn't be the
you you are today.
Just want to say this too, being overweight isn't a bad thing. Unhealthy, yes sure, but it's not a bad thing. I am, and after relentless teasing in middle and high school, I've accepted how I look. Forcing yourself to lose weight won't help. And if they say you're overweight because of the BMI chart, they're full of hit becasue that chart is about as accurate as an unrifled musket fired at range.