Drunken Bear New Year Special

Yeah. You read right. This is for everything that doesn't have anything to do with Eva.

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Postby Defectron » Mon Dec 28, 2009 1:13 pm

Hurray I made an apparance! But was that the end of the special?
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Postby UrsusArctos » Mon Dec 28, 2009 10:17 pm

End? Not by a long shot! We have a Villain to defeat before New Years' Day!
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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Mon Dec 28, 2009 10:50 pm

:lol: Reichu's speech and the cameo by the RP subforum and IRC chans were the best part.

Great job.
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Postby UrsusArctos » Tue Dec 29, 2009 9:55 am

Christmas festivities went on for many days. There was great merriment and revelry, and Fade concocted many awesome drinks for everyone. Soon, the time came for taking back the nookie.

"I shall see you in the distant lands!" Reichu said, mounting her pet Utahraptor. "Till then, farewell!"

She raised her fork high, adjusted her eyepatch, and was off! The other administrators vanished in flashes of light, gone to lands unknown.

The Geek Army, mighty and strong of heart, marched forward unto the lands of the Dark Lord V. They headed for his great fortress city of Videa, which was known for its giant castle and its armies of minions.

V, soundly defeated by the liberation of the RP channel, was in a grand fury. How dare they do this to him!

He would teach them a lesson they would never forget...

In a few minutes of plotting and planning, and adding sugar, spice, and everything nice into a pot, he created his new minions!

"Go and do your master's bidding!" He said.

The mighty geek army was thoroughly unprepared for what came their way.

In no time at all, they were confronted by the three most evil creatures known to all mankind- the Powerpuff girls!

Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup, all in identical lolicon Guy Fawkes costumes, went flying around the geek army shooting laser beams into the crowd.

Panic followed. Many Geeks were killed outright. More fled in terror.

The Eva cast was pinned down.

"What do we do?" Shinji asked. Tines and the mighty administrators were beyond all human reach. Of the moderators, only SSD was with them. What did they do?

Rei appeared in a ghostly "messenger" form, looking rather annoyed.

Kaworu popped up next to her.

"Kaworu!" Shinji said.

"Hey!" Hikari said. "If we haven't met you, how come we already know you?"

Kaworu shrugged, his hands still in his pockets.

An annoyed Rei said, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Take an example from old Kamina-san."

"Kamina-san is still hung over...and he still hasn't forgotten that sink." Kensuke said.

"Anta baka?" Asuka yelled. "Yuutosei, you're a genius, for once!"

"It comes of being five billion years old." Rei said.

Shinji's eyes nearly popped out. "Five billion...?"

SSD said, "Wait a moment...I thought you...?"

Asuka whistled. All the surviving geeks, who had been fleeing the lasers, stopped. "Everyone, combine!" Asuka yelled.

There was a tremendous flash of light, and a green tornado swept through the land, sweeping up the living geeks. A few moments later, a new mecha materialized- Tengen Toppa Evan Geekion!

The five Eva pilots, sitting in the cockpit, yelled as one, "Ore-tachi wo...DARE DA TO OMOTTE YAGARU?!?"

Lightning flashed, and volcanoes erupted. Celestial beings peeked out from behind the clouds as the giant, one kilometer high flaming mecha took on the Powerpuff Girls.

The Powerpuff Girls attacked the Evan Geekion with all their lasers and flower power, but it bounced off the Evan Geekion's chest. Kensuke conjured up an advanced weapons system powerful enough to chop through a planet- and shot their attackers at once.

The three supergirls were fried at once, and their costumes blackened. They combined to form a PowerPuffPink Mecha that stood just as tall. Blasts of energy flew on both sides. Forests and jungles were felled, mountains leveled, glaciers melted, new deserts created and old ones flooded. The world itself was in the thrall of these two mighty mechas.

And then, the Geek Defectron, who had not combined, showed the PowerPuffPink loli versions of the three Powerpuff Girls.

The giant mecha turned back into the three girls, all of them fled in absolute terror. Defectron sprouted wings and turned into a monster with tentacles on his back. He went chasing them off into the sunset.

The Geeks returned to their original form. They had lost many of their number, but were still strong of heart.

Fazmotron, who had just arrived on the scene, looked around. "Ugh. This isn't good at all."

"This is a job for a doctor." said a voice.

A grinning doctor approached the battlefield. "It's a good thing they're just konked out, not dead. Perfect for me to carry out my practice."

"Who are you?" Shinji asked.

"I'm BrikHaus, resident medical genius. Mention me in the credits for this piece of junk, and I'll bring all your Geek buddies back into action."

When they looked skeptical, Brik smiled and said, "Dr. Frankenstein was my roommate in med school- if they stay lying around like this for too long, I'm gonna have to use some of his techniques."

"It's a deal." Shinji said.
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX.
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Postby Defectron » Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:18 pm

That'll show those powerpuff girls! No one can defeat the genticals!
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Postby Joseph the PRPD » Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:51 pm

A movie should be made based on that battle.
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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Tue Dec 29, 2009 3:22 pm

Awesome as always. :lol:
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Postby Fazmotron » Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:11 pm

Defectron should be pleased you made me say UGH.
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Postby Defectron » Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:16 pm

Defectron should be pleased you made me say UGH.


Oh yes, I shouldve mentioned that in the "things that make you happy" thread before it got locked.
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Postby UrsusArctos » Wed Dec 30, 2009 7:47 pm

The evil V laughed and laughed as he and his army of zombie minions approached the discussion forest. In the dank, dark depths of that forest lay immense power, power which he could tap only with the nookie. Once he did, he would be the most powerful Eva fan in existence!

The Geek Army took their positions among the cold, tall trees, where the air was filled with strange humming and vapors rose. One particular puddle of slime gave off vapors that made anyone think that Kaworu was a girl. It was the one they most avoided.

The V zombie minions and the Geeks clashed. That battle is beyond description.

Ornette went into the battle alone, in a fantastical double-breasted suit.

He started to shoot in all directions, with all manner of powerful weapons emanating from different parts of his suit.
"Lapel lasers!" Laser beams from his lapel cut up zombies.
"Trouser torpedoes!" Two torpedoes shot out of his trouser legs and demolished a great many zombies.
"Cufflink cannons!" A pair of six-barrel cannon emerged, high-powered shells tearing through a great many unfortunates.
"Sleeve six-shooters!"
"Button blasters!"

And finally, he took on his ultimate form, surrounded by a nimbus of flame and Caol Ila. Flames and whisky assailed the minions.

Fade concocted a mixture of the Eric Blair and the Asuka and tossed it at V. The mixture exploded and V was spattered with burning stuff.

"Owww. Oooh!" V danced around, smoking.

He was then assailed by a hail of shellfire as BobBQ and an army of little Arume girls opened up with an arsenal of weapons.

Many minions fell, or fled, in the face of the hail of gunfire.

Reichu and the Eva Monkey confronted V, and so did the Eva cast. He was facing a terrible crisis.

"Give us the nookie!" Shinji demanded.

V said, "Not on your life."

He pulled out the last dirty trick up his sleeve- a cloud of noxious gases that left everyone dazed. Reichu and the Eva Monkey had to grab gas masks.

"How do you like that? That's what comes of defying the lord of the ReVolution!"

He was soon proven wrong, though. A big Mi-24 helicopter hovered above the battlefield, and from it descended a little golf cart with a pug and two cats, all three in Chicago gangsta-style Zoot suits.

"Timmy! Butters!" SSD yelled.

The kitties and the pug had no trouble driving through the noxious gas. In a flash, a pair of Tommy Guns appeared out of the golf cart, remotely controlled by the kitties.

"Go ahead, punk. Make my day." Butter said, in an amazingly deep voice.

A hail of .45 caliber slugs slammed into V's body, and the impact sparks ignited the gas around him. He was toasted all over again, and left gray and charred.

The bullets hadn't had much physical effect on him, but that was probably because he was wearing plot armor.

V summoned his remaining minions and said, "Combine!"

A kilometer high V stood in front of them.

All the surviving Geeks- with the exception of the admins, mods, BobBQ's army, BrikHaus and the helicopter crew- formed the Tengen Toppa Evan Geekion.

The pug and kitties whisked SSD onto the helicopter, which headed off into the clouds as the two titans did battle.

V shouted, "Wiki authority!"

A blast of energy screamed out wikiwikiwikiwikiwiki as it struck Evan Geekion's thick chest armor. It was knocked flat on the ground. "Oh is dat sum onomatopoeia?" Asuka asked. "Fanart falchion!"

A huge blade materialized out of the power of fanart, and slashed at the V mecha, doing heavy damage.

"Anti-hentai assault!" V yelled, striking Geekion with violent and green lightning. The Eva pilots yelled, and their screens flashed.

"Lemon Lelouch revenge!" Geekion yelled back, and V staggered.

V lost his patience and released his deadliest attack, "Deception destruction!" which caused the Geek spirits within the Evan Geekion to argue with each other, and the entire mecha soon returned to its constituents. A heap of Geeks lay on the ground, with the Eva pilots crawling out of the madness.

The monster V laughed evilly, and prepared to stomp on them with its boots.

But then, Reichu released a counterattack the likes of which V had no answer.

"Radioactive Revelations!"

The vapors in the forest turned into terrifying spirits- The Duel of the Seeds, Akira, Naoko in Eva-00, Sarai, K4, Visual Parallelism, and most terrifying of all...Fem-Kaworu!"

BrikHaus said, "You stole my show!"

Reichu said, "Too bad."

V's minions lay in a heap.

V approached Monkey and Reichu.
"I am an idea and ideas are bulletproof!"

Eva Monkey said, "We'll see about that. I'll leave you with...evamonkey.com!"

The powers of the fansite bound V, while Reichu summoned yet another dark horror.

"Super-sculpey X-Mas Hentai! Take this blasphemer to the great Evil Gejikouban Kyoko-sama!"

A portal to another dimension opened, and the geeks and Eva pilots behind a terrifying version of Eva-02, with her body proportions all distorted, with horns and a long tail. EGK pointed with her trident, and her two minions, Santa-Barb and Nao-Chan, came riding out, with Santa Barb riding Nao-Chan like a reindeer.

"Help! Noooo!" V yelled.

Santa-Barb lassoed V with her whip, and she and Nao-Chan proceeded to drag her through the portal where Evil Kyoko stood, licking her lips.

V was taken to the other world, screaming. Those minions of his who had stood around panicked and fled from the land of Eva Geeks, never to be seen again.

Shinji said, "But...what about the nookie?"

Another portal opened, and the mighty Yui-sama appeared in the sky with all twelve wings and Longinus no Yari in her hand. The Geeks bowed to her in the deepest reverence.

Shinji asked, "Mother...?"

Asuka said, "She's going to return us...right?"

Yui's own messenger appeared in front of them all.

"That's right. To all the Geeks, I wish you a very happy new year!"

The next moment, the Eva cast were whisked away to their own land. It was as they had left it.

Shinji lay on the floor in the kitchen.

"It can't have been a dream...can it?"

A huge heap of presents lay beside a Christmas tree in the living room.



Special thanks for this Special go to BrikHaus, whose masterpiece was the inspiration (and for not complaining when I liberally borrowed some of his wacky stuff), to Defectron, for not invoking that particular land in this thread, and to all of you for reading this!
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX.
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Postby Joseph the PRPD » Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:19 pm

It was very enjoyable and entertaining to read UrsusArctos.
Very well done.
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Postby Fazmotron » Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:28 pm

UrsusArctos wrote:"Super-sculpey X-Mas Hentai! Take this blasphemer to the great Evil Gejikouban Kyoko-sama!"


A fate worse than death.

A very enjoyable read Ursus.
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