Drunken Bear New Year Special

Yeah. You read right. This is for everything that doesn't have anything to do with Eva.

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UrsusArctos
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Drunken Bear New Year Special

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Postby UrsusArctos » Wed Dec 23, 2009 9:24 pm

One day, Shinji Ikari walked into Misato's apartment after hanging out with Toji and Kensuke after school. Life was tiring, Misato was as wild as ever, and Asuka scared him a little. The Angels were as crazy as ever, and the previous Angel had tried hacking into the three supercomputers in Nerv headquarters. What next, he wondered?

The door was ajar. At first he thought that Misato had left the door open, but even she wasn't this careless, even when drunk. He took his shoes off and stepped in. The house looked like it had been burgled, with stuff lying about here and there. Asuka, he saw, was tied up on the floor.

"Asuka!" he said. He had no idea who had done this to his beloved friend. He glanced around. No one was in sight.

He quickly removed her gags, and untied her knots.

"Anta Baka?" Asuka said. "He's right behind you."

"Who is...?" Shinji began.

"Verily, virulent vermin! Vale!" cried a voice.

Shinji screamed and jumped. Behind him stood a figure in a black medieval costume, wearing a strange white mask. He laughed evilly as he held up something from Shinji's school bag.

"I have the Nookie of LAEM!" He proclaimed, laughing. "The world of Eva is under my power! There shall be a ReVolution!"

Shinji asked, "What's a nookie?"

The words themselves caused an earthquake. Lightning flashed outside the window, and the floor itself turned into an inky black circle that spread wide. Before he knew it, he and Asuka were falling through a blinding snowstorm. They landed in a heap, dazed and confused.

"Baka! You brought us into this!" Asuka yelled, angry. Shinji, cold, dazed and without his shoes, had no idea where they were, or what had just happened to them. In the distance, he saw a cluster of huts and a small church. A roadsign indicated that this was the town of Chit-Chat.

"Let's see. We might get some food and shelter there." Shinji said.

Asuka complained loudly, insisting that she be taken somewhere else, but Shinji wanted to get somewhere before his feet froze.

Shinji stepped into the mysterious little town. Christmas decorations had been put up everywhere, but no one was in sight. It was bitterly cold, and his feet were freezing. Asuka stomped off in the other direction, angry and cold.

He stepped into a tavern called "The Evangelion Universe". He had no idea why it was named so, or who the clientele would be, but he stepped in anyway.

Everyone inside the tavern had strange costumes and Santa caps on, and were talking about strange things related to Evangelion. Shinji was surprised that a mysterious little town could be so full of talk about Evangelion. One man in a Godzilla costume sat at a table wringing the blood out of a small mouse and into a large glass full of liquor, speaking about how Gendo would celebrate his day off. Everyone voiced strange opinions, and spoke of his father doing various perverted things that Shinji had never heard of before.

"Uh, excuse me? Can I have a little Miso soup?" he asked, not knowing whom to ask.

The other patrons stared at him, and then, recognizing him, bombarded him with strange questions about whether or not Gendo boinked the Akagi women. Shinji had no clue what to say.

"Eeeeyannnh..." Asuka barged in, kicking the door open violently. "Baka-Shinji! Did you have to run away from me?"

An English gentleman watched the proceedings while sipping coffee. He was big and strong and considerably older than the others, and somewhat resembled an old bear. He asked Shinji and Asuka who they were, and introduced himself as Mr. Tines.

Shinji explained their strange predicament and the wise Mr. Tines listened intently. After he was done, Mr. Tines said, "Hmm. You can find food and shelter here, all right. As for the Nookie, I know just the person who might help."

The conversation would have proceeded further, if not for a terrible pounding and thumping. The door of the tavern was broken down.
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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Wed Dec 23, 2009 9:31 pm

:hitthetable: I like where this thread is going! Keep it up!
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Postby Legendary » Wed Dec 23, 2009 9:33 pm

Hmm... If I still had the Legendary Seal of Approval, I'd give it to you! :D

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Postby esselfortium » Wed Dec 23, 2009 9:46 pm

Holy yes.

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Postby Fazmotron » Wed Dec 23, 2009 9:59 pm

Awesome.
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Postby Joseph the PRPD » Wed Dec 23, 2009 10:29 pm

This is just great. Lovin' it so far.
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Postby Defectron » Wed Dec 23, 2009 11:10 pm

This thread sounds fun, it should have some crazy guy talking about how christmas is serious business at some point (yeah you know who...) :leekspin:
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Postby BobBQ » Wed Dec 23, 2009 11:24 pm

Why wouldn't it?

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Re: Drunken Bear New Year Special

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Postby fadingreminder » Thu Dec 24, 2009 1:55 am

UrsusArctos wrote:One man in a Godzilla costume sat at a table wringing the blood out of a small mouse and into a large glass full of liquor...
I like it.

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Postby UrsusArctos » Thu Dec 24, 2009 12:27 pm

Chapter Two.

A strange little man in a Che Guvera T-shirt and green Santa Hat, riding a donkey, appeared in the doorway. He held a giant Jack-in-the-Box with a big metal glove embossed with a hammer-and-sickle sign, and carried a huge trumpet with an ugly green monster hanging from underneath. The donkey's front and rear had pictures of Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong for license plates. It brayed in a low voice as its rider cried out in a terrible voice. "Long live the Soviet Union! Soyuz nerushimy, respublik svobodnikh! Ork Rei rules over all 'umies, WAAAAGH!" He blew the trumpet as he hooted wildly.

One of the tavern's patrons, a man in a Rorschach mask, tried to stop him, but was flung backwards by the Jack-in-the-Box and landed up seeing stars and little harpies twittering around his head.

Shinji asked the wise Tines what was going on. Tines replied, "This is the communist supertroll, MaggotMaster. He appears and leaves as he pleases. Don't mind him, he's a wet blanket, and he usually gets dealt with quite quickly."

Asuka watched with growing derision as the communist supertroll wandered about with his donkey, yelling nonsense and upsetting the other patrons. She knew that something had to be done to teach him a lesson. Standing to her full height, she walked up to the donkey and shouted, "Mein name ist...Blucher!"

The donkey let out a terrified braying, and charged out, kicking and stomping. MaggotMaster, supertroll as though he might have been, could do nothing. Donkey and all, he was carried away through the snowing countryside, yelling and screaming.

Asuka was praised all around. No one had succeeded in banishing such a great troll so quickly in the land of EvaGeeks! Two of the patrons introduced themselves at once: the one with the Godzilla costume was Sammaeloo, and his companion, in a Santa-Zeruel costume, was Schismatics. Sammaeloo offered a gulp of the drink that he was concocting, but the wise Tines suggested that better food and drink was available in the town of Off-Topic.

"Meanwhile, let us get you set with some basic winter clothing." Tines said. "The three of us will come along with you. It's almost Christmas time in this world, and I trust you shall find things quite comfortable in warmer clothing."

"Yes, we might even get to see the EvaGeeks Christmas rock-off in Off-Topic!" Schismatics said. "I've been looking forward to it!"

Soon, the five of them set off for the town of Off-Topic, with Shinji and Asuka in winter gear. They were finding this strange land with its strange, Eva obsessed people very interesting now that they were properly clothed for the winter. The wise Tines, Shinji noticed, kept a very close eye on him and Asuka. He didn't know why.

Not too long down the road, the two pilots' eyes met a sight that left them utterly flabbergasted...
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You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Postby ZapX » Thu Dec 24, 2009 12:30 pm

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Thu Dec 24, 2009 12:37 pm

:lol: Love it! Wonder what the real Tines thinks of this story.
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Postby Joseph the PRPD » Thu Dec 24, 2009 1:24 pm

Keep up the good work!
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Postby UrsusArctos » Fri Dec 25, 2009 12:59 am

"Help!" Shinji cried. "What is this place?"

Neither could Asuka believe what she was seeing. In front of them were many, many rows of strangely-growing bushes and trees, all of them twisted and bent in all manner of bizarre patterns. In the midst of them there were many, many strange things going on.

"This the meadow of Off-Topic." Tines said. "Enjoy the scenery. I have other things to attend to. In the meantime, you should be able to find good food and drink." With a strange smile on his face, Mr. Tines pulled out a pogo stick and bounded over the hedges at tremendous speed. Schismatics and Sammaeloo were nowhere to be seen either. Shinji and Asuka were suddenly alone, in the middle of craziness. People were leaping around on pogo sticks or cartwheeling through the wild maze of trees. Shinji and Asuka had to hold their hands and walk around to make sure they didn't get lost.

In one small, snow-filled clearing, they came across a group of people making lists, one after the other. The lists started out as being fairly benign, such as "List your best movies" or "List your top ten restaurants", but began to go on quickly to crazy, strange things such as "List the top ten anime girls Shinji should boink" or "List the greatest fanservice moments in the history of anime". Shinji turned red in the face and began to whimper, while Asuka grew increasingly frustrated. "What is the meaning of all this?" she yelled.

The listmakers all turned towards her as one. One of them, a young man eating pizza, asked Shinji and Asuka who they were. He was delighted to discover that they were the real Shinji and Asuka, and wanted them to answer their list questions. Asuka said that that was out of the question. Before the argument could go any further, they were suddenly interrupted by a tremendous uproar.

"Now what?" Asuka asked, and all of them strode over to where the battle was happening.

People were posting strange images that showered lolipops and whiskey into the air, and caused other people to stagger around in a drunken manner. One of them posted an image of Asuka on a toilet seat. This was getting out of hand! Shinji had an idea. He tossed one of the pizza dude's stale pizzas into a small bonfire, till it had become hardened and charcoalified. Instant carbon fiber! Asuka promptly swung the pizza around like a glaive, and the evil images were shredded.

All the denizens of the Off-Topic region were instantly liberated from the mysterious effects of the imagery. It conspired that the strange images had been part of a tradition started off by the great communist troll, MaggotMaster, but had recently been sabotaged by a mysterious interloper. Asuka had succeeded in liberating the Off-Topic region from the grip of this strange insanity! All the people around them hailed Shinji and Asuka as heroes, and the Pizza Dude offered them fresh Pizzas for food.

Shinji and Asuka explained their situation in brief, and the Puerto Rican Pizza Dude, Otakon 08 Ikari and Guyver Spawn listened to them intently.
"This is good!" the Pizza Dude said. "I'll show you around the place and take you to some of our other friends. You can help out our buddy, fadingreminder, with his great drink experiments. Then he'll be sure to come along and join you!"

They walked along till they met a young man in a goatee who had several bottles of alcohol, and was mixing them in several different combinations. One particular combination with a strange name made him react violently, and the other combinations drew different reactions from him.

"Ah!" Fadingreminder said. "I've been trying to find a combination for both of you." He said. "I intend to create the most extraordinary, most perfect drink in the world, one that'll suit your character perfectly!"

Asuka suggested a mix of sake, riesling wine, super hot chili sauce, and American bourbon whisky - with the super hot chili sauce being the maximum by volume. Fade downed the mix in one gulp and breathed fire as the contents ignited. Shinji suggested a mixture of mint juice, honey, vanilla ice cream and khus syrup. Fade, flames still emerging from his mouth, quickly mixed the Shinji and gulped it down. Aaah! A cloud of vapor emerged from his mouth, and he lay down, deeply content. He proclaimed the Shinji and Asuka the greatest drinks ever. As a reward, he gave Shinji a Xeroko and Asuka an UrsusArctos.

"Are you sure this is...?" Shinji began. Asuka yelled, "Anta baka?" and drank her UrsusArctos in one gulp. "Yeee-Hawww!" Asuka yelled. Shinji took a sip of the Xeroko and went, "Wow."

Fade was amazed. No one, no one had ever withstood the terrible UrsusArctos without screaming in utter agony. These two were amazing! He spread the good news, and more and more geeks from elsewhere in Off-Topic came along.

Shinji and Asuka could barely believe their luck. It looked like they would find their nookie and get back to their world after all!

-------

Meanwhile, in a dark, dank corner of the land of EvaGeeks, Mr. Tines said, "It is them. I have confirmed it."

The Big Boss, Reichu, smiled.
[Became a moderator on December 31st, 2007. Became an administrator on September 7th, 2013.]
Not knowing that Monk is bi is like not knowing the Pope is Catholic - ZapX.
You're either really bad at interpreting jokes or really good at pretending you are and I have no idea which.-Monk Ed
WAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!(<-link to lunacy)...Taste me, if you can bear it. (Warning: Language NSFW)
The main point of idiocy is for the smart to have their lulz. Without human idiocy, trolling would not exist, and that's uncool, since a large part of my entertainment consists of mocking the absurdity and dumbassery of the world, especially the Internet.-MaggotMaster

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Fri Dec 25, 2009 2:47 am

Oh teh noes! :gasp:

Also, I take it A/S will find me, Eric, and Luc (#egf-rpg regulars too) fagging it up (RPing) in Fandom? :smirk:
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Postby Legendary » Fri Dec 25, 2009 2:49 am

I hope I get associated with the CYOA business, since I pretty much started that fad. I love what you've got so far, Ursus.

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Postby Otakon 08 Ikari » Fri Dec 25, 2009 2:50 am

This is good, hope he does not find us Cosplayers haha
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Postby Sachi » Fri Dec 25, 2009 2:51 am

So far, so good. It's been a while since we've had a good Evageeks Special.

Legendary wrote:Hmm... If I still had the Legendary Seal of Approval, I'd give it to you! :D

Cheap rip-off of my Sachi Seal of Approval which I have used in these forums. This is Nirvana all over again, man.
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Postby Legendary » Fri Dec 25, 2009 3:01 am

Oh, really? Lol.

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Postby Mr. Tines » Fri Dec 25, 2009 4:13 am

Sailor Star Dust wrote::lol: Love it! Wonder what the real Tines thinks of this story.
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