[Fic] Evangelion: Inochi no ki.

[Eric Blair]

Foreword:

A few days ago, in the IRC rpg channel, we, the usual suspects; ELZ, AG, SSD, GM, Lucretius, Logan, Majlund, Legendary and myself began playing with the idea of making a semi- AU ep 26 rpg which began to snowball into something else; the main idea was no Eva units, and no piloting; this allowed us to take the story in several interesting directions.

Then we began to unconsciously start to include some elements from Gakuen Datenroku, which in itself began to spin the story in a different pace.

Eventually, we reached an impasse, began creating characters back story and then realized it would cramp the style of the rpg-session, so instead we decided to throw caution into the wind and fanwank it.

Then, Leg and I began to mull more and more the whole concept; it was simple, frighteningly so: make a fanfic of the concept and elements of Eva GD and make it work.

And so, Evangelion: Inochi no ki came to be.

This is just a small prelude, there’s no actual schedule for releases or anything like that, but this is not a one shot.
Hope anyone reading this likes it, and address any and all reviews, kudos and congrats to Legendary; he lives for them.
I’ll take the complaints, death threats and flames.

----- -----

“Let me tell you a story…”

Those were the words I had used, and you were too young to understand the difference between fantasy and reality back then, and all I could do was give you a small, warm smile, hoping it was reassuring enough for you to go to sleep while I told you magical stories about angels and demons.

“A long time ago, there existed a tree. This tree was the tallest, most beautiful tree the world had ever seen; it was big and wide, encompassing the eyesight of everyone fortunate enough to lay eyes on the tree.”

“Really?” Shinji looked up at Yui's smiling face, who looked down at his face, giving him one of her trademarked warm smiles as she eased back the young boy's bangs, the simple, gentle move making the small, quiet boy slowly begin to slip into the embrace of sleep.

“Really… the tree was guarded by the most beautiful woman any man would have ever seen; with hair the color of flames and skin as white as the clouds; those who would stare at her would always remark how beautiful her face and eyes and smile were.”

Shinji sighed as he closed his eyes, letting the warmth of his mom's words caress his cheeks along with her breath as Yui's voice became softer and softer, lulling the little boy into deep slumber, the only sound escaping from him were the small, soft snores as he snuggled deeper into his bed while Yui kept stroking his hair, staring at him with the smile only a mother could have for her first born child; a smile full of hope and warmth and love.

“Did the pretty lady have a lot of boyfriends?”

Kyoko made a pause while combing Asuka's hair, staring at the little girl staring back at her from the mirror with bright, blue inquisitive eyes and an impish, toothy smile, before she let out a sigh as she kept brushing the still wet hair, tying it into twin ponytails.

“And just how did you hear about boyfriends?”

“A girl at school; Kaname… she likes this boy and shares her lunch with him, so they're boyfriends.” Asuka said as she shrugged, kicking her legs into the air and Kyoko recognized her daughter was just about to get antsy, and start wiggling in her seat.

“So?”

“So?” Kyoko repeated as she pulled Asuka down and helped her to her bed where the little redhead immediately snuggled into her bed, hugging the plush monkey doll before she looked up at her mother.

“So what else happened?”

“I'll tell you if you go to sleep.” Kyoko answered with a smile as Asuka giggled and kept perfectly still, closing her eyes, while Kyoko sat on her daughter's bed, tracing her face slowly, as the redhead giggled and kept her eyes closed.

“The original guardians of Freya were called 'angels'; and they were divine in origin.” Kyoko said softly, slowly, almost sadly.”They had promised their allegiance to Freya, to defend her against the evils of the world. Some angels, however were tainted when Freya was struck, and became willing agents of the darkness that tainted and corrupted them…”

“So they became bad, mama?” Asuka whispered softly while Kyoko kept smiling, loosing herself in the old tale of knights and princesses, knowing each word by heart.

“No sweetie… now go to sleep.” Kyoko said as she leaned forth and kissed Asuka's forehead, getting up and turning the light off, before she walked out to the veranda, and smelled the fresh, crisp air, shuddering as she felt the air growing a little colder, before the sound of a door sliding open and she turned around to greet her neighbor.

“Winter will come early this year, it seems.” Yui said with her usual pleasant smile, while carrying two mugs of coffee, and offering one to Kyoko who took it and smiled, thanking her in silence.

“Yeah.” Kyoko said in a soft tone, staring along with Yui out the night sky into the horizon, both women feeling the air play with their hair, and enjoying the artificial warmness the coffee gave them, sighing softly because she knew.

“Shinji and Asuka have been swapping stories.” Yui spoke in a neutral tone of voice, making it clear she wasn't angry but rather amused. “Shinji came home asking me to tell him a story about the beautiful lady from the tree.”

“Yes, Asuka seems to think I’m talking about myself.” Kyoko said smiling as she ran her fingers through her short hair, not as short as Yui’s page-boy cut, but shorter that how she used to have it.

“Well, Shinji might start asking me about who the lady with the hair as fire is soon.” Yui chuckled as she took another drink of her cup, humming softly to herself before she turned to Kyoko.

“How does the end of the story of Freya, the first tree of life ends?”

“Well…” Kyoko dawdled as she sat on the small table adjacent to where Yui stood. “Angels don’t need faith as they already have the knowledge of celestial things, so their rebellion against God, and Freya constituted an unforgivable sin.”

Yui nodded as she looked out the sky and into the birght white stars. “And now, they need the cores that reside within Lilith to become whole again, so that they can ascend to heaven.”

Kyoko nodded slowly, before she spoke again in a small, soft tone of voice.

“We are the caretakers of the tree, chosen by birthright to look after Lilith, and defend her against all who will try to strike her… but we are not their guardians; we need willing swords and shields for the battle that is to come.”

Yui nodded as she finished her coffee, looking out at Kyoko who smiled at her, both women knowing full well what it all mean, how it all affected the world, and how it will affect them in the future before they walked to their respective homes, and into the open arms of their respective husbands.

Yui shook her head, making herself step forth from memory lane, and into the new day that signaled the start of the new school year, effortlessly coming back from that time and place when her son was 5 years old, into the day that she had feared would come but all the chestnut-haired woman could do was let time flow like a river, running its course, as Asuka poked her head and smiled at Yui as she always did whenever she came to wake up her son, watching as the redhead bounded quickly towards Shinji’s door before her steps became a soft padding before the redhead opened the door and disappeared inside, making her way quietly to Shinji’s side, taking in the peacefulness in his face as he snored lightly, blissfully unaware.

“Shinji~”

Shinji mumbled and shrugged into his bed, while Asuka tiptoed silently into his room, smiling at his sleeping face before she leaned forth, a wide smile planted on her lips.

“WAKE UP DUMMY!”

Yui smiled into her coffee like she always did in the morning, hearing the snap-crackle and pop routine between her son and Kyoko’s daughter, so familiar and used after hearing it happening for more than 8 years, before she saw Asuka exit Shinji’s room with him in tow, grumbling and stopping to straighten his collar while Yui held a piece of toast for her son while he was simultaneously pulled and pushed outside by the eager redhead, making Yui sigh wistfully before she stood at the front door, seeing as both teens entered the elevator and made their usual trek down to the ground floor, before they began walking towards their school.

“They’re gone.” Kyoko said as she came out of her own apartment, impeccably dressed in her skirt and blouse, white lab coat draped over her arm while Yui nodded.

“Let me tell you a story…” Yui said softly, remembering other times, far away, when Shinji would look at her with bright, wide eyes, hanging onto her every word at night while Yui would lull him to sleep. “Those were the words I had used, and they were too young to understand the difference between fantasy and reality back then.”

Kyoko nodded.

“All we can do is give them a small, warm smile, hoping it’s reassuring enough for when they to go to sleep while we fight our war, masking it as magical stories about angels and demons.”

[esselfortium]

Awesome, a new fanfic from Eric and Legendary! Just what I needed

Yui and Kyoko being alive and well should be interesting, and the new mythology stuff is an interesting change from the usual.

[NemZ]

Hmm, not sure what to make of this so far. has a rather bittersweet tang to it.

[Sailor Star Dust]

Does this mean we won't do an RPG thread down the road? :( I has Rei development ideas.

Nice job so far, guys! Didn't know you were gonna make this into a fic.

[Eric Blair]

RPG is not out of the question, we just wanted to work in this from a different perspective.

Your ideas and suggestions are welcomed as always.

[Adekis]

Whoa...
Fanwank is right...

This is relatively awesome...

And I'd want to get further into the story before backing any suggestion of roleplay.

[Sailor Star Dust]

Adekis: I'm referring to something the group was doing with this in IRC. And RP was how this idea came to be btw.


Eric: Super secert coded message! Think RP chan: Is Kei in this? Rei can still spoilers spoilers if it fits. At the very least, please include spoilers Gendo for lulz if nothing else.

[Legendary]

Chapter One: The Transfer Student

“Shinji~” Asuka said sweetly, tiptoeing into his room.

The room itself wasn’t very large, and it had become even smaller once all of the shelves and desks had been added in, covered in Shinji’s favorite light novels and comics. There was hardly enough room for Shinji and Asuka to both be standing in the room. Asuka looked around the room once, even though she knew exactly what it looked like. The little Pen-Pen alarm clock was going off (not that Shinji bothered getting up), and Shinji himself was hiding under as many covers as he could stand in the fine April weather.

“WAKE UP, DUMMY!” she shouted, not caring too much that the Ikari’s would hear her.

Shinji started awake immediately, staring up at Asuka, his dark blue eyes wide in fright. She smiled innocently, daring Shinji to suggest that a cute thirteen year old girl like her could even possibly make that much noise. He decided against it, and tried to smooth down his brown hair instead.

“Come on…” Asuka said. “It’s the first day of school! We can’t afford to be late! Get up already!” Her light blue eyes were twinkling with excitement. She reached down at Shinji’s blankets and pulled it away quickly. She gasped as his tented pants came into view. “You… you! I didn’t mean to get that up!” she shrieked. “Pervert! Idiot!”

“I can’t help it!” Shinji protested. “It’s just because I have to go to the bathroom!”

Asuka continued ranting while Shinji hurried off to the bathroom to get ready for the day. When he emerged, Asuka was practically pushing him out the door. Neither of the Ikari’s paid much attention to her boisterous actions, instead choosing to wave them off.

Asuka paused at the front door. “Idiot,” she said. “Your collar is all crooked. It’s our second year in middle school; you’d think you could learn to get this stuff right.” She straightened it easily. She’d done it so many times before anyways. Shinji at least had the decency to blush. “There. Let’s go.”

She grabbed him by the wrist and the two of them began running down the street towards the school. They sprinted down the streets, which were practically filled with people. Asuka, however, had a shortcut through a wealthy residential section, whose streets were mostly empty.

As they turned a corner back onto the main streets, Shinji collided head on with another rushing pedestrian. Asuka sighed, and exchanged a resigned glance with the companion of the girl who had just collided with Shinji. The two teens on the ground groaned, clutching their heads.

The girl, one of Shinji’s classmates, Rei Ayanami, was splayed out on the ground, her school uniform spread out. She didn’t seem to notice Shinji’s staring at the small amount of underwear visible until her twin sister cleared her throat. She moved her pale hands from her blue hair and stood up quietly.

Asuka and Rei’s sister, Kei, glared at Shinji, who flushed and rose himself.

“Gee, Ayanami-san… What’s the rush?” Shinji asked.

Kei giggled. “My sister and I are late so frequently we thought we should hurry up today so we wouldn’t get in trouble on the first day of school.”

“Then we should go!” Asuka said, pushing Shinji forward. “I don’t wanna get in trouble!” As she began running forward with him, she whispered, “Pervert,” angrily, but said little else. It was wearying enough running so far.

Finally, the four teenagers arrived at school. The middle school building was quite familiar to them all, and while they had a new classroom, everyone was sitting more or less where they had been last year. The four split up, with the Ayanami siblings going to their typical window seats, Asuka heading to the front of the room to talk to her best friend, Hikari Horaki, and Shinji ambling to the back of the room where his friends were sitting.

“Yo, Shinji!”

“Hey.”

Shinji’s two best friends, Toji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida waved happily. “Hey, guys,” Shinji said. “How’s it going?”

Toji beamed happily. “I’m great! Guess who our teacher is! Guess!”

Shinji considered for a moment. The teacher would have to be someone who didn’t care that Toji wore sweats all the time, and someone who wouldn’t mind Kensuke and Toji goofing off half the class. It would have to be—

Someone who would drive into the school parking late five minutes before class, tires screeching against the asphalt. Someone named Misato Katsuragi! The male population crowded against the windows, staring down at the most popular teacher in the school, cheering and hooting.

Misato looked up at the boys, removed her sunglasses, and waved. Everything about her was gorgeous, from her purplish hair to the way that she made even the conservative black dress she wore seem to accentuate every curve. The boys cheered her again.

A few minutes later, she’d made her way into the classroom and was addressing everyone. The boys were paying close attention, much to the girls’ annoyance.

“So, this is my third year teaching, but I’m sure we’re all gonna have a great time!” she said. “But before we can begin any lessons, there is someone I’m going to have to introduce! Will, uh, Nagisa Kaworu please come forward?”

A pale boy stood up. Everyone turned.

Huh. Asuka thought. I didn’t notice him.

The boy walked slowly to the front of the room and turned around to face the class. He wasn’t just pale. Nothing about him reflected a healthy color, from his grayish hair to his red eyes. And yet, at the same time, there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with him, either. Maybe because of his smile, surprisingly genuine.

“Hello, everyone,” he began. “I am Nagisa Kaworu. It is…” Here he paused, although no one was quite sure why. “…nice... to meet you all.”

“Yes,” Misato said happily. “It’s great to meet you too!” As Kaworu went back to his seat, Misato rose up and approached the chalkboard. She immediately jumped into a lecture. No male in the class paid any attention to what she said. The girls glared at the boys. Misato was oblivious to both.

At lunch, Asuka dropped the customary bento off at Shinji’s desk and then went back to her best friend. “Congratulations, Hikari-chan!” she said. “Why didn’t you tell me you were the Class Rep before class started?”

Hikari flushed pink. “Oh…” she said. “I… I didn’t want to brag.”

Asuka giggled. “You don’t have to worry about bragging around me, I’m your best friend! Besides, it’s not like I’d be jealous or anything! I don’t wanna be a Class Rep, it sounds boring…”

Hikari chuckled. “Well, there will be a lot of new stuff to worry about, I guess.”

“Just another reason to have nothing to do with it,” Asuka explained. “Since I now have a chance to take college classes, I don’t want to spend a lot of time doing extra work here.”

“You’re taking college classes?” Hikari exclaimed, shocked.

“Yep. I just didn’t feel challenged by the stuff here.”

Toji glared over at Asuka, and then whispered to Shinji and Kensuke, “So, she thinks she’s too good to go here.”

Shinji sighed. “Toji, can’t you at least try to get along with Asuka?”

“Her? But she’s so annoying!” Toji protested. Kensuke nodded in agreement. “Besides, we all know you’re only buddy-buddy with her to see up that skirt!” Toji added, vehemently.

Shinji’s eyes widened. “No!” he protested. “Our parents have been friends for years, you know that! And besides, you’re the one with a crush on the Class Rep!”

Toji glowered, but said nothing, for the transfer student approached. “Hello,” he said. “I have finished my lunch. May I converse with you?”

“Er…” The three friends exchanged uncertain glances. Finally, Kensuke gave an answer. “Sure, I guess.”

“Thank you.” Nagisa said, sitting next to them. “I am glad to have a chance to be making friends.” He didn’t seem to notice the second confused glance the boys exchanged. They all found him too confusing.

“I believe I recognize you,” Nagisa said a few moments of awkward silence later. “You are an Ikari?”

“Er… yeah… You know me?”

“I’ve met your parents,” he said.

No one could think of anything to say to that, so instead they spent lunch in silence. After school, the three friends went to a park to play basketball like they’d done every day after school, but Asuka didn’t take her usual route to Hikari’s house to hang out. She went to the subway and got on a northbound train.

The first thing she saw leaving the underground was the campus of Tokyo-3. She widened her eyes. I hadn’t expected this. Everyone is so old... She’d expected age, of course (she wasn’t an idiot), but the reality of it all… A group of jocks harassed each other, two girls had a conversation while walking to class, and all around her people went to and fro, pausing only to stare a moment as they realized a thirteen year old was in their midst.

She gulped and set off to her afternoon class. This wouldn’t be so bad… She hoped.

The class passed by relatively quickly, although everyone stared a bit. One man stared more than anyone else, and as soon as class ended, Asuka hurriedly set off, determined not to be near such a creep. She went straight home.

Well… almost straight home. Before going there, she stopped at Shinji’s apartment. She inhaled deeply as she entered; the smell of spices and sizzling meat permeated the room.

“No parents here, either?” she asked.

“No,” Shinji said. “They said something urgent with their translation project came up…”

“Oh…” Asuka looked down. If Shinji’s parents weren’t there, hers certainly wouldn’t be waiting for her at home. “C… can I eat dinner here?”

Shinji nodded to the boiling pot of noodles. Enough for two.

All in all, not a bad first day of school.

[Sailor Star Dust]

Awesome job! Glad to see Rei is still -_- and her twin Kei is still like in the chan.

[Xeroko]

Nice writing, nice pacing, look forward to seeing more.

[Lucretius]

Good stuff.

[User-iel]

Hey! This is a great idea.
The above chapters are a nice departure point. You have taken on a Fan-sized job. So go ahead and tell us a story. Please try to keep going all the way!
P.S. If it isn't asking too much, could you fix the artwork in G.D. at the same time?
:)

[Eric Blair]

Chapter Two. The first move.

Dinner had been somewhat of a nice change of pace; Asuka and Shinji had quickly worked out the routine, as this hadn’t been the first time for either of them to be left to their own devices now that they were older; while Asuka’s and Shinji’s fathers were nice and caring, there existed a sense of detachment from both men; Gendo Ikari was imposing at sight; hard stoic face, short dark hair and a beard that seemed to draw out a well defined chin framed by an impossibly tall man with broad shoulders and hard eyes that were always hidden behind glasses seemed to scream 'Irrelevant' silently whenever something menial and superfluous was around him.

Christian Langley wasn’t all that different, yet he wasn’t all the same; where Gendo was stoic, and reserved, Christian seemed to be the epitome of an Aryan man: tall and with blond hair sternly eased back, showing off a widow’s peak, Langley’s whole body and face seemed to have been at a time carved from a slab of Tennessee marble; perfect pink and expertly polished that gave the man an imposing feeling, topped with a frown on his eyes and with his mouth set in a stern line, both of which seemed to be forever etched in his face.

But in the comfort of their respective households, the stern faces and masks gave way to fathers that were loving and worried about their children, even if sometimes Asuka felt Gendo babied Shinji too much, and if Shinji couldn’t help but wonder if Langley could be less enthusiastic about Asuka’s accomplishments.

But all in all, the day started again without a hitch, almost like a rewinding of the day before; Asuka coming in to wake Shinji up, and both leaving their houses while Yui waited for Shinji at the door with a yogurt shake and Gendo stayed at the desk browsing his newspaper, before the two teens exited quickly on their way to school.

“So, how were the college classes?” Shinji asked out of the blue, staring at Asuka who simply shrugged.

“It was different; the university grounds were filled with people who kept staring at me like I was some kind of freak; guess they’ve never seen a 13 year old before.” Asuka said quickly, expertly hiding how she had felt out of place in there, even if she had taken the time to change out of her uniform and used less childish clothes than sundresses and sandals.

“There was this guy who kept staring at me.” The redhead said softly, turning towards Shinji. “He was older, wore a ponytail… offered to help me with some of the classes.”

That made Shinji stop, before he turned to her, giving the redhead a serious look.

“Did he talk to you o-or so–”

“Take it easy dummy.” Asuka said simply. “He was probably weirded out there was a kid in his class.”

“Oh.”

“But he seemed nice.” Asuka said softly to herself, unable to hide a blush on her cheeks which made Shinji frown before looking away, walking in an uncomfortable silence next to Asuka before she turned to look at him, sighing.

“So your dad mentioned something about a new neighbor?” Asuka said after a beat, noticing Shinji’s previous smile had all but died, trying once again to spark a conversation.

“Oh yeah, turns out dad wasn’t out when you came by to have dinner, he was helping her get settled in along with mom.” Shinji said softly, before he shrugged. “But it was nice having dinner with you like that.”

That made Asuka turn to Shinji, giving him a small smile.

“Yeah it was… I uh… I actually wanted to tell you something Shinji.” Asuka said before Shinji turned to her, giving her a questioning glance.

“What is it?”

“I uh… I brought the lunchboxes today, maybe we can eat together and talk at lunch time?”

There was a certain tone in Asuka’s voice, hopeful, guarded but optimistic, and Shinji opened his mouth, almost as if he were going to say something before he closed it and decided not to, as they both entered the school grounds, walking into their room classroom, before Misato breezed in.

Lunch time came by quickly for them; Misato had been going on between Math, which resulted in a collective groan from the whole class and a glare and eyebrow twitch from Hikari Horaki, their newly assigned class representative, to History which wasn’t Shinji’s favorite subject, to Literature, which in itself was a chore for Asuka to Biology, which seemed to elicit mixed reaction from the Ayanami twins, before the school bell rang to everyone’s delight.

“Alright… it’s lunchtime, those of you who will eat outside, exit the room in an orderly fashion.” Misato said as she smiled at everyone and exited herself to go to the teacher’s lounge, before Shinji turned around quickly to Asuka, smiling, ignoring Rei who had stood up from her place with Kei and had walked towards where Shinji and Asuka were chatting with each other.

“What are you smiling about?” Asuka said keeping a straight face which was hard with Shinji’s overanxious but bashful look on his face while Rei was reaching out to him with a tentative hand, before turning around and going back to her seat, making Asuka frown and shrug internally before Shinji spoke again.

“It’s your turn today; you said you brought lunch, didn’t you?” Shinji said smiling, making Asuka giggle more at Shinji’s insistence than at his question; there was a certain boyish charm in the way Shinji asked for things, like a small child begging you for a cookie or a sweet that made it hard for her to keep up the façade of being stern.

“Yeah, I did… mom’s very secret German style lunchbox.” The redhead said winking before she realized something was missing.

“Shoot, I need to go get something to drink.” She said as she got up, exiting the room, leaving Shinji alone.

The boy sighed to himself and looked out the room, seeing Toji and Hikari eating together; Toji’s happy face was clearly an indication that Hikari had managed to combine the two things the boy liked; food and herself.

“I'm glad you like it, but can't you eat more gracefully?” Hikari told the taller boy, chiding him gently as Toji seemed to shovel as much food as he could into his mouth.

“It's my way of showing thanks for having such a great meal!” Toji answered in between mouthfuls and with a big dopey smile that made Hikari’s heart skip a beat as she looked quickly away, blushing before she answered.

“Th-thank you.”

“Shinji?”

“Oh, hi Ayanami.” Shinji’s idle thoughts were interrupted by two blue-haired twins standing in front of him; Kei, smiling down with that perpetual smile she always seemed to have and Rei looking strangely flustered and subdued, behind her sister, fidgeting with the hem of her uniform skirt. “Uh… could I help you?”

“My sister is having a hard time saying it but… She likes you.” Kei chirped as she pushed Rei towards Shinji while the blue-haired girl shook her head and Shinji gasped in surprise, looking from the girl walking away to the one clutching onto him, before Rei spoke in a barely there whisper.

“Could we talk alone?”

Shinji nodded and walked out following Rei while looking back at the lunch box that lay on top of his desk, before Rei walked towards the steps in silence, opening the door to the roof and walking out just as Asuka walked back, missing them by a few minutes, noticing Shinji was nowhere to be found while holding a pair of juice cans on her arms.

“Hey Shin–” the redhead paused as she looked to her sides before turning to Hikari and Toji, noticing how her best friend looked at her with an unreadable expression while Toji snickered. “Where did he go?”

“Maybe he’s off somewhere else.”

Asuka huffed and was about to ask something before something caught her sight; noticing Kei was staring out to one of the doors, making her turn and follow her line of sight before she saw Shinji and Rei.

Before she noticed how close they were standing, how Shinji seemed flustered and smiling that small, shy smile of his.

Before she saw Rei lean in, taking a hold of Shinji’s hands on hers, before they both walked in and Shinji smiled at Asuka, walking straight towards her, never noticing as Asuka stared back at him from her place on the other door of the room, a look of disbelief and anger on her face before a frown crossed her face.

“Oh, right! The lunch you made!” Shinji said oblivious to the redhead’s surpise, hurt look on her face, giving Asuka the same smile he had sported before with Rei, the same shy, faint smile that right now, made Asuka give Shinji a look of disbelief, while the boy happily held out his hand to the redhead. “You're the best, Asuka!”

Asuka looked at Shinji with a mixture of surpise, mild amusement and annoyance, before she slammed the lunch in the boy's midsection, while Toji snickered, watching this, and the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.

The rest of the school day happened by quickly and tediously, but Shinji noticed that every time he tried to talk with Asuka over the messenger service, she would either answer in a quick one line response, or ignore him altogether, making Shinji frown, but being otherwise unable to ask the volatile redhead what was going on, growing more and more anxious, tense and uneasy as he watched the clock tick away before Misato began to wrap up her class.

“Ok, so… if there aren’t any other questions…” The mauve-haired teacher began as the first tones of the bell began to waft slowly in the air. “Everyone stand… bow… dismissed.”

No sooner had Misato said those words that she fled the room while Hikari began to call on the people who had been assigned with cleanup duty, while Asuka began to put away her books inside her school bag and Shinji walked over to her.

“Hey Asuka, ready to go home?”

“I have to go to my other classes.” Asuka said sharply.

“Oh, uhm… w-well I could walk you to the train station, we both need to take the same trains anyway, no?”

“Don't bother, I can do it on my own.” Asuka said before she grabbed her leather carrier, fling it over her shoulder and walking towards the door, brushing past Shinji and everyone else. “You should spend more time with your girlfriend.”

“Wh-what? What are you saying?” Shinji asked hurriedly walking behind Asuka as she began to make her way outside, followed closely by Rei and Kei.

“Just leave me alone you idiot!” Asuka screamed, finally incensed and turning to Shinji, glaring at him and beyond him, making Rei return the glare with a blank stare while Kei seemed to cower behind her sister. “All of you leave me alone!”

As Asuka marched away, leaving behind a confused Shinji, Rei took the opportunity to walk towards the boy, touching his back, making Shinji turn around.

“Would it be a problem if we go to the park to talk?” Rei asked in her quiet voice, making Shinji turn from her to Asuka, noticing how the redhead kept walking away, slowly growing farther down the distance, opening and closing his mouth several times before he finally turned to Rei, nodding.

“Alright, le–”

“Ah! Shinji! You’re still here! Good!”

Both Shinji and Rei turned to look at Misato who was walking quickly towards where they both were.

“I need you to come with me for a moment; I… have something I need to tell you.”

Shinji frowned before he looked at Rei apologetically, and gave Asuka’s retreating figure one last frown, before he turned to Misato and nodded.

“Sure, let’s go.”

[Sailor Star Dust]

Nice, I love how you're combining the IRC stuff with this story.

Just as a thought to avoid confusion, I think Shinji should call Kei "Kei-san" or "Ayanami-san", Kei can call him "Shinji-kun". Rei and Shinji could call each other "Ayanami" and "Ikari-kun" like in the series.

Just a thought.

Good job so far.

[esselfortium]

Nice. I couldn't help but chuckle at the descriptions of Gendo and Christian as caring fathers.

And so the awkward love-triangle begins!

[Zephros]

Not bad at all. I like the ideas of the tree and the fruit. I wish it were fleshed out more because now its barely a teaser and more just an unknown.

I liked Nagisa...especially how he asked if he could converse with them. That and the pause before 'nice' truly revealed his character a lot.

Asuka is milder than in Canon, imo. Rei is a bit more human, which I always like to read about. A guilt pleasure. And Kei...I don't know if she's acc or from a manga...but I like how she's the opposite of Rei, or so it seems. She's had very little air time and I think some more dialogue would flesh her out more for the reader.

Those are the positives and the things I like. There are some things I think need to be worked on. I see there are two authors on this? The styles of writing are very different, but as long as the plot is kept the same from both writers I don't think the styles will bother anyone. But still you guys might want to watch out for that.

Truly the biggest complaint I have would entail the writing style of Eric Blair. Mind you this isn't a flame...just some constructive criticism.

"Shinji sighed as he closed his eyes, letting the warmth of his mom's words caress his cheeks along with her breath as Yui's voice became softer and softer, lulling the little boy into deep slumber, the only sound escaping from him were the small, soft snores as he snuggled deeper into his bed while Yui kept stroking his hair, staring at him with the smile only a mother could have for her first born child; a smile full of hope and warmth and love."

When I read sentences I have an expectation that they will pause, allowing me to take a breath, per se. The above, granted is an extreme case, does not let me do this. So I read and read, no longer taking in the words but waiting for the break so I can digest what was said. It makes the reader want to skip ahead and thus miss a lot of the words you convey. To compensate the reader forces himself to keep reading. I should never have to force myself to keep reading.

The technical foul here is this is called a run-on sentence and in most circles are highly frowned upon. A better way to word that would be...

"Shinji sighed as he closed his eyes, letting the warmth of his mom's words caress his cheeks along with her breath. Yui's voice became softer and softer, lulling the little boy into deep slumber, the only sound escaping from him were the small, soft snores as he snuggled deeper into his bed. Yui kept stroking his hair, staring at him with the smile only a mother could have for her first born child; a smile full of hope and warmth and love. ""

All I did was remove 'while' before 'Yui kept stroking' and put a period there. I also put one after 'breath.' It now reads a lot clearer with the breaks, giving the reader time to digest the words in the sentence.

If you have arguements against this I can explain how a person's mind works. We don't see the letters in a word we take it in as a whole and then it clicks in our minds. Taht's why poeple can sitill raed misselled wrods...because we take in all the letters. Now take this accepted principle and apply it to sentences. We start the sentence and read all the words...once we reach the end we put it together as a chunk. If the sentence goes on and on we lose the sections we had previously written because we can't hold that many words in our minds at once.

Like I said not a flame, but something I hope you work on. Good luck to the both of you in the future...because I am curious where this is going. I don't think it'll be solely waff.

[esselfortium]

Hmm. I think the sentence in question could also work if you did something like this:

"Shinji sighed as he closed his eyes, letting the warmth of his mom's words caress his cheeks along with her breath as Yui's voice became softer and softer, lulling the little boy into deep slumber. The only sound escaping from him were the small, soft snores as he snuggled deeper into his bed while Yui kept stroking his hair, staring at him with the smile only a mother could have for her first born child; a smile full of hope and warmth and love."

Just one comma (after "into deep slumber") replaced with a period, which seems like it probably should have been a period or at least semicolon to begin with, anyway.

[Eric Blair]

Constructive Criticism is always accepted, as long as I get a chance to explain my choice on wording and syntaxes; that scene is that way because you're supposed to *skim* over stuff like that because that's how life truly is; you don't see your mom when she hugs you, you simply feel it.

On the same logic, you don't think all that description, so when you read the second or third word, you should already have a good idea of where this is going, all the rest is superflual exposition; I believe every sentence should be an action through and through; that's why the moment I do a sentence break, it starts with an action sentence, or an introspective sentence.

It's meant to make you skim over it because then I can drop subtle hints of things that are to come and it will make you go "Whoa! I didn't pick on that!"

for instance:

Shinji sighed as he closed his eyes, letting the warmth of his mom's words caress his cheeks along with her breath as Yui's voice became softer and softer, lulling the little boy into deep slumber while the only sound escaping from the little boy was the small, soft snores as he snuggled deeper into his bed.

Yui sighed as she kept stroking his hair, staring at him with the smile only a mother could have for her first born child; a smile full of hope and warmth and love, never betraying the conflicting emotions that seemed to simmer and boil on the surface, like thin ice about to be cracked.

Notice how the first sentence is based around Shinji, I cut that point of view, and then focus on Yui; the reason why I merged it is because you're supposed to see the action of Shinji sleeping peacefully and Yui watching over him as a whole; if this where a picture, it would be a wide shot.

Still, thanks for the props.

[Janrok24]

This thread makes me happy.

[Zephros]

Well, it's interesting to see someone who actually has that much control over their style. I had honestly just thought that was a junior mistake, but seeing as how I'm dealing with someone a few more levels above that I can take a different stance.

Before, though, I wish to clarify...is it your intent to do run-on sentences throughout most of the piece? As I said...that one was an extreme, while most of your other sentences are just I think a thought/action too long. Though, that could just be a stylistic difference considering your level of writing.

The logic I see you using for dropping hints is I detrimental to telling the story. I think there are less destructive ways to drop a hint without purposely lulling the reader into disregarding those words. What's the point of even writing them if they aren't going to be read properly?

I can see where you coming from actually. I view a picture at a glance and see just a few actions, only taking them in on the peripheral. Just like skimming through a few pictures. So in that aspect I will give you my respect because that was the feeling you got. I glanced past it all only taking in a few things. However, having no prior knowledge of that intent I became frustrated and reread several parts. Because when I sit down to read a piece I expect the author to abide by the general rules of writing. However, if they state otherwise this opens my mind to accept what they are trying to do.

This is assuming that this is the feeling you are trying to instill throughout the piece of course.

Now, at this point we are entering a debate of your personnel style and I know how these can be prickly issues for authors. I've gotten defensive numerous times in these kind of debates. So just to clarify...I'm not taking any potshots at how you write or anything of the sort. I actually want this to be a friendly discussion because rarely do I run across someone with this much control. I'm actually kind of excited to see what other uncommon conventions you're going to be using in this.

With the debate...I personally do read and visualize all the details and it is me reading and seeing those images in my head that let me feel the scene more intimately. I think when I skim it detaches me emotionally from a scene or story.

Well....I'll reiterate. I don't mean to ruffle any feathers. Still going to be looking out for how the story progresses. :)