I actually finished a lemon!

Rommel · Postby **Rommel** » Mon Dec 03, 2007 6:23 pm

Yes, I'm talking to you. You know who you are.

Power Plays is finished. I don't know if posting this violates the TOS, but if it does it can be removed. I figured it was better than resurrecting another thread.

Here's the link to DS:

http://www.darkscribes.org/site/story.php?story=442&chapter=3

And to AFF.net:

http://anime.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600041485&chapter=3

Hope you guys like and such.

PS: If you haven't read it just start at the beginning.

Themaninblack · Postby **Themaninblack** » Mon Dec 03, 2007 6:32 pm

...It didn't get Kami in trouble...but then agian.

Postby **Sailor Star Dust** » Tue Dec 04, 2007 2:34 pm

Rommel wrote:Yes, I'm talking to you. You know who you are.

*points to self* Little old me, I think/hope? Aww shucks...

*Saves link to read at home while clearing throat*

....Let's hope it meets my expectations with those two attempting to stop acting so damn fucked up as per usual and simply LOVE eachother & themselves instead!

*Quickly sneaks a peek at first paragraph* Hot Damn you're writing style is good. TEACH ME, OH GREAT SENSEI! ;_;

LET ME KNOW WHEN I'M READY TO SNATCH THE PEBBLE FROM YOUR HAND!

Also, I'm probably give my thoughts in this thread once I read this.

And if there's any mention of that Kurrta text I translated (for THAT BOARD) that accompanied that AsukaShinjiLove15 (slight BDSM) pic, I'll be happy.) And I think I'll probably R&R from AFF this time, but I guess it'll be whatever strikes my fancy at that moment.

chee · Postby **chee** » Tue Dec 04, 2007 2:57 pm

The ultimate S/A lemon would involve the two in their '70s using "Oberammergaueralpenkräuterdelikatessenfrühstückskäse" as their safety word and wearing crotchless chicken costumes.

(That is a real German word, BTW.)

Themaninblack · Postby **Themaninblack** » Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:35 pm

chee wrote:The ultimate S/A lemon would involve the two in their '70s using "Oberammergaueralpenkräuterdelikatessenfrühstückskäse" as their safety word and wearing crotchless chicken costumes.

(That is a real German word, BTW.)

The Germans are known for just to put old words together to make new ones.

And EEEWWWWW

Postby **Sailor Star Dust** » Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:52 pm

Chee wrote:WORDS

I can see it now:

Shinji: "Asuka! Asuka! Oberamm---dunkin'...um..."

Asuka: "What was that, bitch?"

Shinji: *Panicking* "Oberammerga-!! Oh, crap..."

Asuka: "*Evil grin* I'm not gonna stop until you say it." (<---Is a sadist while Shinji's a masochist. It works well.)

Shinji: *Panicking, nearly doing a Scream of the Damned* "Oberammergaueralpenkräuterdelikatessenfrühstückskäse! Oberammergaueralpenkräuterdelikatessenfrühstückskäse!!!!"

Asuka, pause: "Shinji."

Shinji: "Yeah....?"

Asuka: ".....You forgot an "s" the second time." *Continues to do naughty things to him*

Shinji: " ;_;

"

Also: Your idea Needs MOAR Erotic asphyxiation. :P
(<--- Is a huge fan of that joke now.)

EDIT: I looked up the German word, apparently it's untrasnlatable or something, or at least really, really, long.

Rommel · Postby **Rommel** » Tue Dec 04, 2007 11:50 pm

Well, I don't want to spoil anything, but I think you'll like it. And no, I can't teach you how to write like that. It's time consuming enough as it is. :wink:

TheAyanamiOtaku · Postby **TheAyanamiOtaku** » Wed Dec 05, 2007 2:54 am

nice flow to it. Haha, flow. Ha.

Themaninblack · Postby **Themaninblack** » Wed Dec 05, 2007 7:50 am

A huge Build up with Shinji and Misato....and for what?! She could become his 'helper' or tutor on the subject (that part in self is cool if the second thing I said wasn't) But no Shinji x Misato !!! * Head explodes.
Overall good not great....Asuka becoming a sex slave to Shinji....What next Tony Montana becoming the pope. It could have REALLY worked if it went the other way around. Ending wqs increadbily lame. Still Overall it was good....If you plan on doing another lemon that has themes more universe than BDSM or rather in this case SM....you may make something Excellant. Good Job

Nice writing style by the way

Postby **Sailor Star Dust** » Sat Dec 15, 2007 1:24 pm

The ending made me LOL, and the fact it WAS happy made me very happy. ^_^

I have more I'll say about it--including a review--later in the upcoming week.

Rommel · Postby **Rommel** » Tue Dec 18, 2007 1:36 pm

Sailor Star Dust wrote:The ending made me LOL, and the fact it WAS happy made me very happy.

I have more I'll say about it--including a review--later in the upcoming week.

C'mon. It can't take that long. :roll: :twisted:

Postby **Sailor Star Dust** » Tue Dec 18, 2007 1:49 pm

But...but..but...

My computer's busted so I can't say the various things I wanted to say.

(Nitpicky about her reviews for good fics being specific.)

Rommel · Postby **Rommel** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 1:48 pm

Well, if you are going to say something you need to do it now, since I finished doing the final edit for chapter 1 (it's posted already on the usual places) and chapter 2 is almost done (it's meaner, dirtier, and, in my opinion, hotter). I've started thinking about an omake, maybe the bet/catgirl idea you suggested. So there's that to look forward to. 8)

Postby **Sailor Star Dust** » Sun Dec 30, 2007 9:22 pm

Chapter 2 stuff you mentioned: Chapter 2's bit about Shinji punching then anally-raping Asuka* was distributing yet frighteningly plausible enough, IMO.

The only way it could be "hotter" is losing the violence and the sex being consensual yet Asuka not saying she likes it to him. Perhaps Asuka still freaks out afterwards for whatever reason. (Cause she liked it and didn't want him to know?)

I said something about Asuka as a catgirl? I don't recall that, but... *shrugs*

Anyway, use the bet idea I gave you and I'll love you forever. ^_^

My review about Chapter 3 for the time being: While I thought Chapter 3 was missing something--I'm not sure what--I really liked how you did that. Though not quite the same thing, the bit at the start was hotter than any SFAiBL re-workings of I've seen. I really liked Misato's role in this, and how she didn't want any Loli/Shota from them (thank God)--while fics like Misato/Asuka/Shinji fics are good depending on how their written, I feel it wouldn't have been in place...

What else... The WAFF in the fic was really well done, same with the naughtiness and overall.

*DO NOT WANT. Though the stuff between them in Chapters 1 and 3 however... ^_^

Postby **Sailor Star Dust** » Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:10 pm

On you know where, you wrote:Also, I want to thank those who actually took the time to write reviews. You guys rock. The rest of you are a bunch of bums--SSD, I'm looking in your general direction.

NO U.

*ahem* I mean, check your reviews. ;) (Computer's fixed, YAY!)

More stuff about your fic:

I noticed some spelling and grammar errors, but overall very good job.

I liked how Misato was interested in helping both of them, and thank god no threesomes. (Those type of fics are okay, but only depending on the Time and Place.)

Also, me thinks your getting revved up to use the Omake Idea I mentioned awhile back, which would be cool provided you also include the stuff (I mentioned) about Shinji too. It can't just be all Asuka naughtiness. You gotta appease the Shinji fans too, ya know. :mrgreen:

I have a sudden idea, Gainax's newest hit: Orchuban Asuka! ^_^

(Asuka Minds the House.)

アスカはだい好きでちゅ! わたしのばかご主人さまツソヅ！ ^_^

(Only did the "chu" part for "desu".)

Translation: Asuka loves! My Stupid Master Shinji! ^_^

Like your reviewer on Darkscribes mentioned, I was also reminded of Kurrta’s site after the trip from the store. ^^; (Reminds me of that Love Asuka-Shinji page/pic 2 thing I translated for THAT BOARD. PM me if you missed that. (Also, do you happen to have the link for that site? I lost it. >_<

) )

But one question remains: Could they really be getting it on like that so easily, regardless of school or home, with Nerv security around nearly everywhere? ....Ugh. Talk about Kimochi Warui. /rimshot. (Reminds me of the creepy but well-done fic “My Lovely”, featuring some Nerv MiB that attempted to rape Shinji. Yes, it was the :shock:.

Rommel · Postby **Rommel** » Wed Mar 26, 2008 10:48 am

Extra chapter updated. Asuka/Hikari action this for all those who thought the story was lacking on that kind of thing.

No pet-Asuka action ...

Yet.

http://www.darkscribes.org/site/story.php?story=442&chapter=4

I also re-worked on some things from the previous chapter so you might want to have a look around.

Postby **Sailor Star Dust** » Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:46 pm

Asuka/Hikari, huh? ....Not sure if I want. Uh...would skipping this chapter take away from the story (read: hawt Shinji/Asuka action) at all? :sweatdrop:

Though this does have anything to do with those parts from the story (not included the first time around, I think it was for chapter 2 updated or something?) that was on that Evamade fanfiction forum thingy? (The name escapes me, but a certian buddy of mine from THAT BOARD, you might know him as Eric Blair or Mighy Mouse, invited me to it awhile back.)

Rommel · Postby **Rommel** » Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:31 pm

Well, all three chapters were updated and worked on a little but the extra chapter is just that, and extra, so it doesn't affect the main story. Though it does present a lot of things from Hikari's point of view.

The Bastard King · Postby **The Bastard King** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 12:24 am

I was wondering if you were gonna finish this. Not that I read lemons, or anything.

Rommel · Postby **Rommel** » Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:46 pm

Err... it has been finished for like three months now. Go read chapter 3.

http://www.darkscribes.org/site/story.php?story=442&chapter=3

I actually finished a lemon!

I actually finished a lemon!

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