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MatrixRefugee
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Re: No spell-check on this PSP, FFFF-

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Postby MatrixRefugee » Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:47 am

Sharaz Destler wrote:
Sailor Star Dust wrote:(After it was too late I caught an annoying but hilarious typo of Asuka kissing herself. :lol: )


2: Well, that sounds like something Asuka might do...


I could totally see her doing that, ie. smooching her reflection in a mirror, than getting all mad and flouncy if someone catches her doing it. :: Jots down idea to use in a fic::
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Postby THE Hal E. Burton 9000 » Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:09 pm

yeah, I've always liked your characterization of Asuka SSD-chan

good work as usual... :clap:
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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Sun Nov 08, 2009 6:50 pm

I managed to fix my story and removed various errors like I said I would. I also added a sentence more to a later H-scene that seemed kind of abrupt.

http://www.darkscribes.org/site/story.php?story=750

http://www.lemontastica.org/site/story.php?story=380

With leaving feedback, you know what to do. :asuka_thumbsup:
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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Tue Nov 10, 2009 2:00 am

Evangelion: Q fic - Continued

Evangelion New Movie Edition: Quickening wrote:"Cover for me!" Mari in Eva-07 charged at the 11th Angel.

The Angel roared, pushing the Evangelion back, yet Mari held her ground, eyes glittering dangerously.

"Mari-san!?" Shinji followed through, continuing to fire.

"You're insane! It'll throw the energy right back at you!", Asuka snarled. Regardless of Asuka's personal feelings of Mari's plan, she made sure to cover for her fellow pilot to the end.

The smirk never left Mari's lips as she allowed Eva-07 to become a conductor, her adrenaline rush outweighing the Eva's pain.

Raw power, raw energy began to charge like a battery throughout the unit. Mari grabbed a hold of her Prog Knife concealed inside the Eva's shoulder. She let out a dangerous chuckle, moving in for the kill.

"Eva-07, together!" Eva and pilot growling, the prog knife burst open the Angel's center, some blood leaking out. The Angel twitched in response, but it was already far too late.

Mari thrust 07's electric-charged hands into the Angel, dual cores collapsing.

Gasping for breath, never losing her smile, Mari waited, body tense...

Wailing, the Angel died in an explosion of blood, the Evas knee-deep in it on the surface of the GeoFront.

***

"All Eva units are confirmed operational. Eva-07 needs some repairs, but completion should only take a day or so at most.", reported Maya from the Command Center.

Misato nodded, eyes on the screen ahead of her. "Good." But, what's going to happen now? Just how many more Angels will attack?

***

Leaning back against his seat in Eva-08, Shinji contacted his fellow pilots. "Are both of you alright?", he asked, voice weary.

"I'm fine, idiot. Mari-san, what about you?"

Mari had regained her composure, sounding perfectly fine despite her reckless before in the latent battle. "Great, of course! These battles are what I live for!"

"...." Asuka shook her head inside Eva-02, deciding to await further orders from Nerv. She just didn't understand Mari. There was piloting being the only thing that helped give life meaning, such as Asuka's case, and then there were freaks like Mari who took things too seriously even in Asuka's opinion.

But it was of no real consequence. The pilots were here on a mission to defeat the Angels thereby preventing Third Impact, and that's what mattered in the end.
Last edited by Sailor Star Dust on Tue Jul 06, 2010 12:06 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Tue Nov 10, 2009 12:43 pm

Evangelion New Movie Edition: Quickening wrote:It was late December, and Nerv had been quiet since the 11th's attack.

Misato had found out about Ikari's plans thanks to a top-secret USB stick Kaji had given Misato one night during their brief reunion.

She was shocked by what Gendo's plans truly were. To think that he wanted to bring about Third Impact just to reunite with his wife?! It was sickening, even more so with how clear it was that very few members of Nerv knew the truth. At least the puzzle of why the pilots could manage their respective Evas had finally been pieced together, yet...

For what had happened to Kaji and to her father, she couldn't forgive Ikari. She couldn't forgive anybody for thinking they had a right to bundle all of humanity's souls together, with complete disregard for their unique and interesting lives.

Yet the Colonel was no fool. She'd stop Ikari not with a gun, but with the Eva themselves. That would be the best way to put a damper on his plans. Even more so with rumors of the organization Seele wanting their own Third Impact, which Misato didn't bother investigating. She knew her limits. Digging any deeper would surely result in her being killed, a risk that she was not willing to take. Kaji had been right. Misato wasn't somebody who could be replaced...

Whether or not 3rd Impact could truly be prevented, however, was another matter.

The alarms sounded. The three main pilots--Shinji, Asuka, and Rei--were eating lunch together in Nerv's cafeteria after training together that morning. They exchanged puzzled and worried glances, all of them having the same fear in their hearts that the final battle was now at hand.

Mari, who was sitting on a tree branch outside in the GeoFront, glared up from her book. She nimbly jumped down, adjusting her glasses as her glare intensified in pure hatred. So the time has finally come. I won't forgive you for what you're trying to do.

Most shocked of all was the 12th Angel on his way to Dogma. Floating by Gate Level-EEE--hesitating to unlock the gate and set off Nerv's self-destruct sequence in the process--he was at a complete loss on just what to do.

This...was not in my scenario. Could it be I was betrayed? By Mari of all people?! I can't forgive her... I won't forgive her with her mistake of slipping up like this. Shinji-kun... I just wanted to make you happy. But now, I'm not sure anymore with what I should do!

For Kaworu had sensed a 2nd AT Field--one as powerful as his own.


To Be Continued...
Last edited by Sailor Star Dust on Tue Jul 06, 2010 12:11 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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Postby Lucretius » Tue Nov 10, 2009 2:03 pm

Asukael! Yay! :grin:

He shuddered a bit, remembering the somewhat creepy level of detail Kaji had gone into, while rubbing a watermelon in a disturbingly sexual way.

Life is a continuous nut-kicking contest where your turn comes last if ever. -majlund

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Postby esselfortium » Tue Nov 10, 2009 6:59 pm

Hmmmmm. A second AT Field as powerful as his own?

And, it's Essel's Constructive Criticism Beatdown Time: I hate to be a bitch, but I do have to admit that the latest short update of this has made me realize something. I think there's probably some elements of it throughout the story, but this latest update in particular feels somewhat like a synopsis of what could have been an entire chapter, fleshing out the actual events you're summing up that have led to the upcoming showdown would make things more interesting and flow more naturally from a story perspective. All that added time could be used to drop hints and set up mysteries and future plot points, evolve the character interactions and relationships believably (whether they be in scenes that directly impact the other parts of the plot or just give us glimpses into their lives and show how their relationships are emerging and evolving), and so on. I'm far from an expert at actually doing that stuff, but I figure I can at least point it out and maybe someone more experienced could dispense some relevant advice.

Lucretius wrote:Asukael! Yay! :grin:

:asuka_geh:

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Postby Legendary » Tue Nov 10, 2009 8:54 pm

I am forced to agree with essel here. The COMPLETE battle (including the Oct. 18 update) against Shateiel wasn't even a page long, a mere 300 or so words. Plus, these two updates together are barely longer than your update from a month ago, 216 vs. 238 words. While it is certainly true that word count doesn't count, I must point out that essel's REVIEW is longer than either of these updates. Especially jarring is Misato's sudden revelation of everything. Where's the shock? The bitterness?

The Angel battle too, feels rushed. In Rebuild, each Angel has been more powerful than the last. Here, the 11th Angel feels like an afterthought, like you're only including it to make Gendo's comments in 1.0 line up. No character development occurs either, and in the third act of a play, everything must continue to develop the characters. The first two acts were for minor asides.

Some other notes:

Shinji's "Mari-san!?" and Asuka's subsequent comment should be on different paragraphs.

"duel cores" is "dual cores"

"Nerv was quiet" should be "Nerv had been quiet" (in third person, 'was' is actually present tense)

"brief ahem reunion" would be better off as "brief 'reunion'"

"Yet the Col was no fool," should either have a period at the end of "Col" or be written out completely.

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Tue Nov 10, 2009 10:35 pm

I intentionally wrote short sections to play around with my writing style (I could care less about word count: for instance, a paragraph can be one sentence if you do it right. But what I personally feel is more important is how you word things for a story). Though the fic overall including the battle will be tweaked before Final/4.0 (which is gonna be long update-wise) is written and up. Also: ever hear of flashbacks? :P

Thanks for the feedback.
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Postby esselfortium » Tue Nov 10, 2009 10:59 pm

I don't think the problem is with the short sections, but the fact that you're covering a huge amount of story in them. That stuff is the story, and you're just giving us a plot synopsis of it instead of letting us actually see it for ourselves. <_<

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Postby Legendary » Tue Nov 10, 2009 11:03 pm

Yeah, pretty much. Short story updates work when you're not covering a whole lot of plot in them. But in two short updates we've gone from being in the middle of a battle to sometime later after a character has figured out all of Nerv's secrets.

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Fri Nov 13, 2009 1:17 am

Theme of Love

...Is my writing style such fail that it's the reason why only 1 person left a review on either site? :shinji_eyebrow: Thanks for any feedback here at least. Not having feedback with writing really does mess up other or future stories I work on because I have no idea with what's good or what's not.
Last edited by Sailor Star Dust on Tue Jul 06, 2010 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Rommel » Fri Nov 13, 2009 9:09 am

It's not. There seems to be a bad lack of reviews on both DS and lemontastica. Pretty much everyone has the same problem.

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Fri Nov 13, 2009 12:12 pm

Hmm... Maybe we need to promote both sites better? Something to dicuss on That Other Board :smirk:

Thanks for letting me know, I was starting to get worried that maybe I was doing something wrong.
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Postby BobBQ » Fri Nov 13, 2009 1:49 pm

Sailor Star Dust wrote:...Is my writing style such fail that it's the reason why only 1 person left a review on either site?

I don't really have any thoughts that I haven't shared with you already. If I were to be really critical, you'd never forgive me.

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Sun Nov 22, 2009 4:56 pm

Evangelion New Movie Edition

I went back to this Rebuild-fic so far and fixed various screwups including the latest 2 chapters as requested. I hope it's been improved compared to what was originally there in those two sections. :sweatdrop:

As for my 4.0 fic, I just don't have the energy to work on it today (maybe it's the weather? Whenever it's overcast, I'm not in the best of moods (I feel more sluggish than usual) even though I got very decent sleep last night), although I do have things written down on paper with just where to go.

Hopefully I can write and upload all of 4.0 next weekend (it will be somewhat short compared to how long my fics can usually be, provided I stick with my ideas), but I guess I'll see.

Please enjoy what I offered in the meantime, I suppose. :kaos_bow:
Last edited by Sailor Star Dust on Tue Jul 06, 2010 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Legendary » Sun Nov 22, 2009 6:50 pm

The battle still feels short. Things would still be better if you gave us a scene where Misato discovers this, reads the information, and gets shocked. These things are still rushed.

Again, I know you said you wanted small updates, and like essel and myself both noted, we don't have a problem with small updates. But these two scenes need to grab our emotions.

I'm not the least bit concerned for the characters during the Shateiel battle. It doesn't have any risk. It's like those shonen battles that go:

Character A: *tries something*
Enemy: *resists*
Character B: It's not enough!
Character A: *tries the same thing, but HARDER*
Enemy: *dies*


As for the Kaji thing, turn the whole thing into Misato and her discovery and her reactions and plans then. Then have the next update be the Kaworu stuff + a bit more. It'll really make more impact that way, trust me.

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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Sun Jan 17, 2010 11:06 pm

"At long last, our hopes have been realized. This is our promised day."

Finally, finally this is done! :sweat:

I decided to put 3.0 and 4.0 up on some alternate fanfic sites due to their length:

Darkscribes page

Fanfiction dot net page

since I need all the feedback there I can get. :sweatdrop:

Apologizes in advance for any formatting errors on either site.

Thanks and enjoy!
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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Mon Jan 18, 2010 3:07 pm

Fixed the weird formatting issues so those who've been reading my fic have no excuses with finishing it. :popcorn:

And for the lazy people who don't want to wade through my main fic page, direct links to the fic in question:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5675105/1/Rebuild_of_Evangelion_Eros_and_Thanatos

http://www.darkscribes.org/story/952/1

Enjoy. :kaos_bow:
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Postby Eva 04 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:49 pm

Read your story.And I gotta say.It was very well done IMO.It was a great read.


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