Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:01 pm

Aight, I've never really done anything with fan-fics before, but I like creative writing, and on occasion I've actually enjoyed fictional sh!t. So I'm going to be trying this out.

This is a sequel to EOE. It picks up right from the ending of EOE and any time jumps will be very small ones. Unlike, some other fan fics here, this is not going to be primarily a romatic novelization of any sort. Character analysis and relationship development will be important here, but I do plan on keeping this a science fiction based story with psychological drama. Mechas will be back, but, I'm not going to annul the ending of EOE by reviving all the angels, or resetting character development or anything like that(though the angel's legacy will be an important aspect).

Some important disclaimers for this fictional piece of writing:

-> Fan service will be kept to a minimum(I'm American, sorry).
-> I am not reviving people who died and weren't part of instrumentality(Bid farwell to Kaji, Kyoko, and Yui for good. The circle of life is lit.).
-> While this is all going to be English, I've realized an important truth of this universe. The word "baka" transcends language. It holds meaning that is universal across all time and space. It wields unimaginable power that can't be restricted to the linguistics of a specific people. Hence, I'm going to be using this word that transcends the cosmos. "Baka" will be the foundation and the skeleton of this tale I'm weaving. If there is anything you get from my attempts at good writing, it will be the unquestionable greatness and truth that shines through the lips of anyone wise enough to frequently overuse the word "Baka".

I'll be posting this story part by part. Given this site's dislike of double posting, I might need yall to comment from time to time for the sake of wordcounts and all.

With that out of the way, here is

PART ONE: From the Beach
SPOILER: Show
Red met white. Pale sand met velvet sea. Beautiful, and yet, lifeless. But above the desolate beach and blood-pigmented ocean was a shimmering blue canvas, illuminated by light.

A bit below the sky was a boy. And a bit below the boy was a girl. Between the two were tears.

With his shoulders shuddering with emotion, the boy allowed himself to collapse. His head fell onto the girl's stomach. Ms. Soryu found herself filled with righteous irritation, but decided to show mercy to the scoundrel daring to lie on top of her, gently patting Shinji's head: "there there, Baka Shinji".

Shinji, having sufficiently utilized salt water to express long suppressed emotion, lifted his head up. After a moment, his lips curled into a faint smile. Asuka felt her own lips start to replicate the motion, but was able to avert catastrophe.

Deadpan, she asked "Are you done?"
"Yes" Shinji responded, his smile getting stronger.
"Do you plan on getting up?"
"Oh, sorry!" Shinji responded as he lept to his feet.
"Baka Shinji," Asuka muttered as she gradually rose to her own.


...


Asuka sat on the edge of the sand, staring at the ocean and at the sky. Shinji stood at her right side. For a moment, his eyes fixated on the red of sea. Then his eyes looked upwards as he sat down beside Asuka. Ms. Soryu initially marveled at the light of the stars, but now she was marveling at the immense abyss of her boredom. Her head cocked rightwards onto Shinji's shoulder, headbutting it for attention.

Ever appreciative of nature's beauty, the redhead asked, "Can we go, I'm bored."
"Uh, sure."

Mr. Ikari rose to his feet. Asuka followed his example.

"Where are we going?" Shinji asked, the baka mortal he was.
Uninterested in ridiculous queries, Asuka grabbed Shinji's right hand with her left one and pulled him away from the beach, "somewhere"
"That's not an answer!"
Asuka just pulled, forcing Shinji along.
"You don't know where we're going, do you?"
Asuka, refusing to humor such accusations, kept pulling.
Shinji sighed and allowed himself to be pulled. Then, he started to lose his balance. Finally, with a graceful "Wait Asu- Ow!", Mr. Ikari hit the sand. Asuka fell on top of him. And then righteous thunder echoed through the heavens:

"BAKA Shinji!"

Mr. Ikari's eardrums didn't seem to approve, but Shinji's face let itself smile.

After a moment of indignation, the redhead commanded, "let's try that again".
And so they did, Asuka pulling her companion.
"please don't pull me"
Hesitating for a moment, Asuka, against her better judgement, let Shinji go, "fine."

"You know Azuka, we just saved the world."
Asuka shrugged.

As Shinji pulled up to her side, Asuka cocked her head to the left, head butting Shinji's shoulder a tad more softly now.

"Baka Shinji," she muttered as his hand, after deliberating with itself on the matter, embraced hers, somewhat awkwardly.

Asuka was just about able to force her lips downwards, but she couldn't deny that the corners of her lips had a more inherently upward tendency.

"I guess I don't mind having saved the world," Asuka decided. Shinji found himself agreeing.

They walked towards the sky, shining blue. Shining, full of light.


PART TWO: A Walk Home
SPOILER: Show
Black circles overlapped each other on the sides of a white sea. More circles were forming. Given existence by a little black rod. And holding the rod was yellow wood. And holding the yellow wood was a small cushy saucer of red. And holding the small cushy saucer of red was ...
Toji Suzuhara.

You see, Mr. Suzuhara himself was being held. Being held in a classroom. A history classroom.

Soon enough, a voice entered into the fray: "Doodling is not permitted in the class". Hikari's eyes, each containing their own black circle, bore into the depths of Toji's soul. Facing the abyss, Toji refused to blink.
"Relax, class rep".

"Do what Hikari tells you stooge!" Exclaimed a righteous red head.

Noting a line of steaks on the right side of Ms. Soryu's notebook, Shinji bodly intervened hoping to save his outgunned friend,
"You're doodling too"
"That's not a doodle, that's art"
Shinji rolled his eyes and muttered, "right," further incurring the dragon's fury:
"Baka Shinji, only a stooge like yourself would be unaware of the difference"

The supreme arbiter made his presence known.
"You all seem unaware you're in class, not the circus."
Mr. Ōkina-Orokana-Atama's voice commanded the attention of all his circus performers, save for one.

Not even granting the transgressor eye contact, Asuka simply continued her artwork, replying in a low voice "Baka Atama, your class is a circus."

Mr. Ikari slapped his face with the palm of his hand. Hikari and Touji stared at their red haired partner-in-crime. Asuka simply drew.

Behind the quartet of delinquents, a child with blond hair and glass-covered eyes smiled and remarked, in a voice his professor couldn't hear,
"I like the circus".

...

The red-head was waiting in the principal's office. Shinji and Hikari materialized into view. Mr. Ikari opened deadpan, "Let's go, Toji and Kensuke are waiting outside."
Smirking, the red haired countered, "can't keep the stooges apart for long, can I?"
Hikari's only contribution to the battle field was a sigh. As they walked towards the exit, Shinji, attacked down the flank: "you know, you don't have to come to high school if you don't want to."
Asuka raised the wall of Jericho as they exited the building: "and leave a stooge like yourself unsupervised? Baka Shinji."
Shinji drove at the wall once more, dry as wood: "You can't even supervise yourself."
The wall drove at Shinji: "Because I'm too busy supervising you!"

Hikari, as the trio turned to face the remaining two members of their quintet, smirked: "You know, you two-"
Shinji promptly snuffed Hikari's dangerous spark: "Sound like a married couple? That's original. What is this, an anime?"
Hikari, ever insightful, responded: "it could be a text adaptation of an anime's sequel".

Shinji and Asuka froze and stared, puzzled by Hikari's suggestion.
Hikari sighed,"Never mind."

Toji intervened, the makings of mischief on his face: "It's not suitable for a class rep to be in the principal's office."
As she walked ahead of Toji, Hikari's middle finger became a weapon of vengeance, crashing hard against Toji's forehead.
"Hey, what was that for?"
Asuka passed by, making contact with the back of her fist.
"Ow!'
Asuka simply muttered, "stooge".

Hikari exclaimed angrily, "Asuka!' before softly asking Toji, "are you alright?"
Toji cooly replied, "I am now". Hikari's facial features softened.

Asuka muttered "disgusting" prompting Shinji to smile, Kensuke chided, "children", and the quintet began their journey home.

...

The kids made their way down the sidewalk, discussing irrelevant, yet simultaneously relevant, things. As they approached the corner of the block, a man came into view. He faced the 5 children and extended his right arm. A gun cooly hugged his palm.

Asuka instinctively responded, aiming her left foot for the trigger hand. Her aim proved true, and the man's weapon clattered onto the sidewalk. Asuka's eyes then fixated on the crest sported by the man's uniform. On it were the letters N, E, R, and V, half covered by a blood drenched leaf. Her eyes widened, her fists clenched, and in place of the girl, a dragon rose.

Fist met flesh, looking to tear through skin, just as 13 spears had torn through her.

Coffee staining shirt, the dragon roared.

Hands squeezing throat, the dragon roared.

Red draping arms in a bathtub, the dragon roared.

A girl hiding in headless armor, the dragon roared.

Exposed in hospital sheets, the dragon roared.

Child solider pitted against child solider, the dragon roared.

A rope tying mother and doll, the dragon roared.

Hikari and Shinji held the dragon, and the dragon stared. The man was still breathing, barely, his face drenched in blood. The dragon fell on it's knees. In it's place, a girl sank, breaking into tears. She could barely feel Hikari and Shinji hold her.

And she could still hear the dragon roar.
Last edited by Asuka'sBigBrother on Sat Dec 09, 2017 9:52 am, edited 23 times in total.
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Re: Evangelion: Legacy

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Postby Asukaner117 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 10:43 am

i liked the way you described the scenery. but your characterisation feels off, it is not believable. at least in my opinion. Asuka and shinni so comfortable around each other right after the events of eoe? I'd recommend to give them more time to resolve all these things that happened.
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Re: Evangelion: Legacy

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Fri Nov 10, 2017 3:48 pm

View Original PostAsukaner117 wrote:i liked the way you described the scenery. but your characterisation feels off, it is not believable. at least in my opinion. Asuka and shinni so comfortable around each other right after the events of eoe? I'd recommend to give them more time to resolve all these things that happened.

A fair point. While I do think it's logical we see progress between the two given what we see in "I Need You", perhaps I'm rushing it a little. While I think it's important wee see some development(hence why we see Asuka forcing Shinji along to Asuka letting Shinji walk on his own, and why we see Shinji taking the initative when interacting with Asuka), it should happen more gradually.

I'll address this by changing the language so that we know that while they've made progress, they've still got a ways to go...

Edit: I've made edits. Is it more believable now?
" Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." -ANDY

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Re: Evangelion: Legacy

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Postby Asukaner117 » Sat Nov 11, 2017 7:23 am

yeah, it's a little bit better but i will need to read more before i can make a judgment. do you have more chapters ready?
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Re: Evangelion: Legacy

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Postby silvermoonlight » Sat Nov 11, 2017 8:23 am

I think this needs way more chapters to help flesh out the issues as I don't see them being solved over night as they could take months to fix or even years as on that beach you have two broken characters who need to start over from scratch and find themselves again as people before finding comfort or even a relationship with each other in my view. ^_^
Last edited by silvermoonlight on Sat Nov 11, 2017 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Evangelion: Legacy

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Sat Nov 11, 2017 2:15 pm

View Original PostAsukaner117 wrote:yeah, it's a little bit better but i will need to read more before i can make a judgment. do you have more chapters ready?


I'll try to get something started this weekend, I'm mad busy though. I've got a general idea of how it'll go though.
have to broken characters who need to start over from scratch and find themselves again as people before finding comfort or even a relationship with each other in my view.

I mean, they did just basically fully understand themselves and their biggest flaws and inconvenient truths. And the scene this goes directly after does have Shinji finding conmfort in Asuka.The issues are there, but it' not like they haven't already done a great deal addressing them. Finding the will to live, being willing to open up, and openly show affection are all massive moments of character development that we already have in the scene right before this.
" Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." -ANDY

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Re: Evangelion: Legacy

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Postby silvermoonlight » Sat Nov 11, 2017 2:33 pm

View Original PostAsuka'sBigBrother wrote:I'll try to get something started this weekend, I'm mad busy though. I've got a general idea of how it'll go though.
I mean, they did just basically fully understand themselves and their biggest flaws and inconvenient truths. And the scene this goes directly after does have Shinji finding conmfort in Asuka.The issues are there, but it' not like they haven't already done a great deal addressing them. Finding the will to live, being willing to open up, and openly show affection are all massive moments of character development that we already have in the scene right before this.


I would say that human instrumentality is only there first step it merely opens the door like a key to a lock it does not fix everything it just brings the issues to the surface so the characters are forced to deal with them for the first time. Also you have deeper issue like the depression which does not vanish even in a relationship though having a positive relationship helps it can take years to get over and there is a chance it can always return.

There also needs to apologies on both side one from Shinji about the hosbital bed unless your writing an alternative universe where that never happened and the issues will need to be different and Asuka needs apologise for her past bullying behaviour. My best advice read some of the Evangelion on EOE on ff.net and AO3 as you'll get a good idea of what's out there it will give you idea about where to go with the characters in your own version. ^_^
Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.

My Eva fanfiction ff.net Fading In To The Stolen Light For download version please go to AO3

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Re: Evangelion: Legacy

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Wed Dec 06, 2017 4:45 am

View Original PostAsukaner117 wrote:yeah, it's a little bit better but i will need to read more before i can make a judgment. do you have more chapters ready?

I do now.

Part two is finished, enjoy.
View Original Postsilvermoonlight wrote:these kids need to have issues ^

I give you, kids having issues.
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Re: Evangelion: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asukaner117 » Sat Dec 09, 2017 7:09 am

hmm...wat?

like, what happened? i feel a little bit lost, did you skip a chapter or two? this feels totally disconnected. is the 2nd chapter a dream? flashback? time skip? i, as a reader, have no idea what is happening or why it is happening. there is neither a sense for place, nor a sense for time passed. i assume the 2nd chapter plays after a timeskip and everybody returned? and then somebody tries to kill the children? why?

your writing is not bad, i liked the banter in the first part. the way the scene in the classroom plays out feels very natural, i could picture it clearly in my head. but overall what you post feels more like a brainstorm, or a draft for a scene. but as it is right now i see no story, only two very different pieces of text with no connection whatsoever.
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Re: Evangelion: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Sat Dec 09, 2017 8:07 am

View Original PostAsukaner117 wrote: hmm...wat?

like, what happened? i feel a little bit lost, did you skip a chapter or two? this feels totally disconnected. is the 2nd chapter a dream? flashback? time skip? i, as a reader, have no idea what is happening or why it is happening. there is neither a sense for place, nor a sense for time passed. i assume the 2nd chapter plays after a timeskip and everybody returned? and then somebody tries to kill the children? why?

I plan on addressing these questions as the story progresses. It's not as fun if I give you all the answers in the start, is it?
View Original PostAsukaner117 wrote:
your writing is not bad, i liked the banter in the first part. the way the scene in the classroom plays out feels very natural, i could picture it clearly in my head. but overall what you post feels more like a brainstorm, or a draft for a scene. but as it is right now i see no story, only two very different pieces of text with no connection whatsoever.


Well, my aim with the second chapter was to create an illusion of "everything is better now!" and then shatter it with the ending where the reader, through Asuka, is reminded that there are actual problems to address. The point of the gunman is to tell the reader there's a threat out there and leave you at a cliff hanger where you're wondering what's going to happen next. The aim of two seemingly disconnected stories is to make you ask questions.

Did you like the ending?
View Original Postsilvermoonlight wrote:I think this needs way more chapters to help flesh out the issues as I don't see them being solved over night as they could take months to fix or even years as on that beach you have two broken characters who need to start over from scratch and find themselves again as people before finding comfort or even a relationship with each other in my view. ^_^

Having reconsidered your advice, I've significantly edited Part 1, thoughts?
" Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." -ANDY


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