Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

Yeah. You read right. This is for everything that doesn't have anything to do with Eva.

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Ray » Sun Feb 18, 2018 1:36 am

A Stormtrooper and a Red Shirt walk into a bar. They get into a fight and nobody gets hurt.
I’ll escape now from this world, from the world of Jean Valjean, Jean Valjean is nothing now! Another story must begin!
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Postby Cosmo11 » Mon Feb 19, 2018 6:51 am

Here's an old joke from reddit:
SPOILER: Show
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby ErgoProxy » Mon Feb 19, 2018 7:32 am

Diz vuz ein gut jok. :D

I'm honestly curious will I be banned for mine! :devil:

SPOILER: Show
A Pole and a Jew travel by train. Nothing is happening and then Pole sees that Jew takes something out of his pocket and begins to suck that.
"Wow, what have you got there?" asks Pole.
"A little canned fishy" answers Jew.
"Yuck. Why do you suck it?"
"Because there is phosphorus in fish heads and it makes brain cells work faster. It's a scientifically proven fact."
Pole remains skeptical, so Jew takes out another fishy head and starts sucking it while looking at Pole.
"Okay. How much do you want?"
"8 zloty for a can."
"'K, gimme dat."
They make a deal and Pole starts sucking fishy heads, while Jew smiles at him. Suddenly Pole turns green.
"Jesus! We'll be at station in two minutes, I could buy there canned fish for 5 zloty!"
"See? It works! It works!"
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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Ray » Thu Feb 22, 2018 3:26 am

What Is Jackie Chans Favorite 80's One His Wonder?

SPOILER: Show
New Sensei-Shun
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Postby Sailor Star Dust » Thu Feb 22, 2018 2:52 pm

View Original PostErgoProxy wrote:I'm honestly curious will I be banned for mine! :devil:


Being polski amerykański, I found it funny :lol:
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Postby imprimatur13 » Thu Feb 22, 2018 8:15 pm

Being Jewish, I too found it funny. ^_^
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Postby AdamMalkovitch » Wed Mar 28, 2018 1:18 pm

In an attempt to revive this dying thread, I shall rip off a funny milk joke

An Angel and a bearded sociopath are cleaning up the remains of the facility the sociopath owns. The sociopath says to the Angel, "oh hey I drank your orange juice, it was really good." The Angel replies, "what orange juice?" "the orange juice that was in the glass sitting on the floor next to your piano bench" "oh my god", the Angel says, "what?" replies the bearded sociopath. "You drank my orange juice"
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Postby Blockio » Thu Mar 29, 2018 10:20 am

View Original PostAdamMalkobitch wrote:In an attempt to revive this dying thread, I shall rip off a funny milk joke

An Angel and a bearded sociopath are cleaning up the remains of the facility the sociopath owns. The sociopath says to the Angel, "oh hey I drank your orange juice, it was really good." The Angel replies, "what orange juice?" "the orange juice that was in the glass sitting on the floor next to your piano bench" "oh my god", the Angel says, "what?" replies the bearded sociopath. "You drank my orange juice"

Angels and orange juice... I see what you did there
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Postby AdamMalkovitch » Fri Mar 30, 2018 10:24 am

What's a pirate's favorite SEGA Saturn game?

Sonic ARRRR

Although alternatively it would likely be Panzer Dragoon Saga, seeing as how every region's release is so difficult to find that you pretty much have to emulate or burn it to a disc to avoid spending your entire life savings.
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Postby DarkBluePhoenix » Fri Mar 30, 2018 2:03 pm

Have you heard about the new restaurant Karma?
SPOILER: Show
There's no menu: you get what you deserve.

Where are average things manufactured?
SPOILER: Show
The satisfactory.

How do you drown a hipster?
SPOILER: Show
Throw him in the mainstream.
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Postby cyharding » Wed Apr 11, 2018 10:20 pm

A little on the political side, but it is funny:

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100. The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?' The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

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Postby IronEvangelion » Fri Apr 13, 2018 1:26 pm

On the planet Naboo, in the capital city of Theed, a group of unsavory types gathered around a pit to watch the infamous one-meter-tall Naboo death roosters fight to the death, and to place wagers on the outcomes. Suddenly a young boy with blond hair, maybe 9 years old, leapt into the pit and began using martial arts and wrestling moves to subdue the vicious roosters. The crowd was furious at first, but then decided to treat this as part of the blood sport. Some people began betting on the boy. Wave after wave of giant fowl entered the pit, but the boy defeated them all. Some of the gamblers began to grow wealthy thanks to the impromptu new contender. After the ninth wave, though, the boy fell to the ground in exhaustion.

Concerned, some of the men jumped into the pit to check on him. As he sat up, one of the men asked him if he was ready to get out. The boy looked at the man with determination. "Nope. Master Qui-Gon told me to stay in the cock pit, so that's exactly what I'm going to do."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the lava world of Mustafar, Anakin Skywalker was having a heated argument with his wife, Padme. He reached out with the force and began choking her in his rage. Just as she passed out, there was a space-time disturbance behind her. A younger Padme appeared behind her and shoved her out of the way. It was Padme from Episode One, in her violet battle dress. She spoke in her queen voice: "I am pre-nerf Padme, and I have come to end this." She appeared to have some sort of rectangular object strapped to her back, as tall as she was, but Anakin couldn't tell what it was.
Anakin's eyes glowed yellow with rage. "Even your pre-nerfed self is no match for the power of the dark side!" he said as he began to force-choke her. Despite the tightness around her throat, Padme just smiled.
"I thought you might try that." she said, unfastening the object from her back and flipping it in front of her. In horror, Anakin realized that he could no longer see Padme, just his own reflection in the large mirror she had just hidden behind.

Hours later, Palpatine found Anakin sprawled out on the landing platform, dead from a crushed larynx.
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Postby DarkBluePhoenix » Thu Apr 26, 2018 7:07 pm

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ........... "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Postby n2eva » Tue May 01, 2018 10:41 am

Here's a couple.

There's a bridge over a canyon and there's a lady driving her car over the bridge. The bridge collapses and the lady in the car goes tumbling down the chasm, it's horrible. Rescue workers go down and get her out. They pull her out and it's a miracle. She doesn't have any injuries, not even a scratch. She walks out completely fine. Rescue worker says, "Lady, today's the luckiest day of your life." The lady says, "Did Jennifer Lawrence decide to stop acting?"


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Postby Blockio » Tue May 01, 2018 1:28 pm

View Original Postn2eva wrote: tumbling down

Hehe :chuckles:
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Postby DarkBluePhoenix » Tue May 01, 2018 10:15 pm

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
SPOILER: Show
I dunno, but their flag is a plus.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
SPOILER: Show
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?
SPOILER: Show
Because they make up everything.
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Postby AdamMalkovitch » Wed May 02, 2018 11:44 am

"Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
"I know, I amputated your arms"

Two antennas fell in love and got married on a roof. The service wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

There was once a man from Peru, who dreamed he was eating a shoe. When he woke up, he decided to see a psychologist, who directed him to get a CAT scan. Upon the scan's completion, he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and sent to a mental hospital. He was found dead two weeks later with 18 half-digested shoes in his stomach.

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
SPOILER: Show
Blind.
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Postby Zeak » Wed May 02, 2018 5:09 pm

Two Conspiracy theorists walk into a bar... or did they?
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Postby Blockio » Thu May 03, 2018 12:12 pm

Since we are already at it...
Two guys walk into a bar. Weird, you'd think at least the second guy would have seen it.

yes, I stole that one from the Joker
EDIT: How did I manage to screw that one up
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What about titty-ten? ~ Reichu

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Postby DarkBluePhoenix » Thu May 03, 2018 12:39 pm

^ And Jesus wept...... :facepalm:
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Voted in college to be Most likely to Take Over the World, how to do that however, will require at least Four Evangelions. Thanks for the idea Misato-san!
"Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." Said at the beginning of the nuclear age by J. Robert Oppenheimer.
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Words of Wisdom from German Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.


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