[CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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[CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby IronEvangelion » Sat Mar 19, 2016 11:48 pm

Hi guys, I've been thinking about doing a crazy Evangelion CYOA for a few weeks now, and there's no time like the present. I'll try to do updates at least every other day. Now let us begin, but remember: You can (not) unread!
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You awaken with a throbbing headache. As the blurry world spins around you, you try to remember how you ended up like this. The last memory you have is sitting at a table in an expensive restaurant, where you were talking to a cute, cheerful female representative of some pharmaceutical company called 'The Marduk Institute'. She had invited you there in order to try to convince you to test a new experimental drug. You remember how earnest she sounded when she told you that you were one of only a handful of people in the world capable of testing it. You rub your forehead and try to remember what it was called, but it was some sort of long scientific word. Eve- Eva- Evangeline-... Try as you might, the name just won't come to you. Slowly the blur goes away and the world stops spinning. You realize that you are lying on a gurney in some sort of gigantic room. Your head is becoming clearer by the second, and you remember something else. At the restaurant, after you had accepted the offer, the cute rep had suddenly pointed and yelled for you to look over there. You had, and when you turned back around there was a little white thing dissolving in your champagne glass. It made you apprehensive, but there was some damn good expensive champagne in there and you didn't want to waste it, so you downed it anyhow. That was the moment everything had gone pear-shaped.

As the feeling in your limbs returns, you slowly sit upright. Whatever the rep had put in your drink was some damn good stuff, and you are determined to find out where she got it. You don't have to look far, as the rep is standing at your feet, talking on a cell phone. She doesn't notice you at all, instead continuing her conversation while stroking her short brown hair.

"Yeah? Uh-huh? What? NO WAY! It really went berserk!? ...Uh-huh? Crater full of blood? Wow, girl, just woooow!" Her conversation doesn't show any signs of ending soon. You clear your throat, call to her, and do anything you can think of to get her attention, but she still doesn't notice you. Finally, as a last resort, you try to gently tap her with your foot. Unfortunately she does a 90-degree turn away from you at the last moment and your big toe goes right between her butt-cheeks. She squeals and spins around to face you, dropping her beloved phone and pulling bowling ball out of her handbag. Her amber eyes glimmer with madness as she gets a two-handed grip on the bowling ball and raises it above her head to deliver a death blow. You throw your hands up and frantically stammer apologies and pleas for mercy, trying to get her to understand it was all an accident. She stops just long enough to recognize you, and puts the bowling ball away with a sheepish grin.

"Uh, everyone, look! Candidate 13 has regained consciousness!" the rep announces proudly.

"Yes, we've known that for at least five minutes now. Welcome back to the present, Aya." replies a strange pale girl with blue hair and red eyes, who appears to be clad solely in a Sherlock Holmes-style detective's coat.

"Ouch! Just a little harsh, Great Detective Rei." Aya retorts.

"Just callin' it like I see it." Great Detective Rei says dismissively as she pulls a pipe out of her coat and lights it up. As she begins puffing on it, you detect the pungent odor of cannabis. "Music and the truth 'til daaawn~" she trails off as her pupils enlarge, and she leans against the railing separating the walkway you're on from whatever that red liquid is on the other side. Okay, now there's a weed-smoking, very pale detective girl with cerulean hair involved in whatever's going on. You begin to suspect that whatever Aya put in your champagne is still in effect.

"Now what was I doing? Oh, right! Candidate 13, I am lieutenant Aya Ibuki of NERV, Inaba facility. I brought you here on behalf of my organization to test pilot a new weapons system that will forever alter the destiny of humanity. You may be worried that you'll have to fill out a lot of paperwork and liability waivers, but rest assured knowing that our friendly and helpful HR department has already pre-signed all of them for you while you were dru- I mean, sleeping."

You would be very angry with her if this whole situation wasn't so trippy. Weapons system? You're fairly certain she never mentioned anything like that at the restaurant. But then again you were more interested in the free hot meal than the offer, you might not have noticed. The liability waivers do worry you, but paperwork has never been your thing anyways. Aya helps you to your feet and spins you around to face a huge purple curtain. A dark-skinned woman with blonde hair is standing at a terminal next to the curtain. Aya nods to her, and she presses a few buttons. The curtain lifts to reveal... well, you're not exactly what has just been revealed. You just know that it's fucking huge.

What appears to be a gigantic armored head and shoulders protrudes from the red ooze. The helmet has three lime green eye lenses arranged in a triangular formation. There are metal jaws on the helmet that look like they might actually open. Tall pylons rise from the shoulders, and they appear to enclose enormous stereo speakers. The number 33 1/3 is emblazoned prominently in fluorescent green on the forehead and shoulders. And this entire monstrosity is painted hot pink with fluorescent green accents. Just looking at it hurts your eyes. You and Aya just stand there in awkward silence for a few moments.

"Uh, Electra, you need to tell the candidate what this is." Aya says to the blonde.

"Oh, right." the blonde replies with a slight British accent. "Candidate 13, this is the Interstellar, Intersiridrial, 100% Organic, Synthetic, Psychedelic Battle Critter Evangelion! You will pilot it."

Evangelion. EVANGELION! This was the 'experimental drug' you agreed to test? Okay, now you're absolutely certain that Aya put LSD in your champagne, and this is the most vivid drug trip in history. You pause for a moment to decide your next course of action:


A: Burst into celebration like a kid on Christmas Day, and demand to get inside.

B: Ask if this thing could be painted a different color.

C: Ask why NERV has a facility in a little town like Inaba.

D: Fuck this thing, ask Great Detective Rei if she has any more weed.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby IronEvangelion » Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:14 pm

Got a 4-way tie going on here, need a tie-breaker. :tongue:
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Sachi » Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:42 pm

B. Paint that shit gold.
"Chaos is merely a human construct. The world only knows its own natural law of harmony and order."
"So you are saying it's the human heart that throws the world into confusion."

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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby IronEvangelion » Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:40 am

View Original PostSachi wrote:B. Paint that shit gold.

Seeing as how this is the only vote in the past 10 days, we're going with B. (Thank you, by the way.)
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"Is there any way you can repaint this... Evangelion thing in another color? I cannot gaze upon it!" You ask Aya.

"Oh, Electra! This won't do, the current color scheme isn't garish enough for the pilot." Aya shouts.

You try to tell her that's not what you meant, but it's too late. Electra already heard her.

"Engaging Psychedelic Mode! Backdoor code: 1969!" Electra announces as she punches some keys on her terminal. Suddenly the Eva's pink-and-green is replaced by a pulsating tie-dye rainbow of bright colors emanating outward from the center of the torso. Great Detective Rei drops her pipe and stumbles forward to stare at it.

"Groovy... Far out... Whoaoaoaoa...." Great Detective Rei says as she stares slack-jawed at the Eva.

You walk over to Electra's station. "No, no, just... paint this shit gold."

Electra seems disappointed, but complies. She presses some more buttons, and the Eva now looks like it's gold-plated.

"No... NOOOOO!" Great Detective Rei cries as she stumbles over to the Eva and begins pounding on its chin. "Come on, work! Work, dammit!"

The entire room shakes, and small pieces of debris rain from the ceiling. Either there's a bombing run going on, or something huge is stomping around on the surface. Everyone freezes in terror.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod~!" Aya stammers as she clutches her hair and begins running around in circles.

"What. The fuck. Was that?" You ask.

"IT'S AN ANGERUUUU!" An unknown male voice bellows from the control room above the Eva's head. You look up and see a muscular, 20-something man with wild blue hair standing in the window. He is wearing a sleeveless black NERV commander's uniform. "MISS ELECTRA, WE'RE WASTING TOO MUCH TIME HERE!"

"We're almost ready for launch, Commander Kamina!" Electra replies as she begins hammering away furiously on her keyboard.

"WHOA-WHOA-WHOA! YOU CALL THAT ALMOST READY!?" Kamina exclaims as he looks at the Eva. He begins punching keys on a nearby computer. "If you're gonna pimp something out, PIMP IT OUT!!!"

A hole opens in the ceiling above the Eva's head, and a gigantic gold neck chain is lowered around the Eva's head. It is adorned with a massive diamond-encrusted NERV logo medallion. Following that, an Eva-sized pimp hat is set on top of the Eva's helmet. "Now it is ready... PIMPIN'GELION 33 1/3!" Kamina announces. Then he points at you. "Now... GET IN THE FUCKING ROBOT!!!"

You look around yourself and weigh your options. Commander Kamina seems to want you to pilot an untested weapon you've never even seen before in actual combat right now. You feel really uneasy about this, but you notice that Aya and Electra are now blocking your only exit routes. They grin politely at you, but you notice they are trying to conceal loaded 9mm submachine guns behind their backs. Behind you, a large cylinder is being lowered into position. It appears to have a pilot's seat inside.

A: Get in the fucking robot.

B: Walk towards Aya.

C: Walk toward Electra.

D: Ask Kamina if you can have some time to get used to the controls.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Sachi » Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:59 am

When Kamina tells you tell to get in the fucking robot, you get in that robot. I vote A.
"Chaos is merely a human construct. The world only knows its own natural law of harmony and order."
"So you are saying it's the human heart that throws the world into confusion."

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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby IronEvangelion » Sat Apr 02, 2016 12:07 pm

View Original PostSachi wrote:When Kamina tells you tell to get in the fucking robot, you get in that robot. I vote A.

A it is, then. Time to get in the fucking robot!
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You cannot resist the power of Kamina's commanding voice, and soon you find yourself getting in the fucking robot -or at least its fucking entry plug- of your own free will. You sit your ass down in the fucking seat and grip the fucking controls, wondering what the fuck is going to happen next. It doesn't take long for you to find out. The fucking entry plug begins spinning like a fucking drill bit, and is screwed into the back of the fucking Eva. It comes to a stop so violently that you smack your fucking head on the roof. Aya, Electra, and Great Detective Rei join Kamina in the control room.

"Begin flooding the entry plug with molasses!" Aya orders. Suddenly, holes in the interior of the plug begin squirting molasses -most likely fucking molasses- all over you. It is now, as you look at your molasses-covered skin, that you realize you have been nude the entire time.

"Whoa, stop! Sorry, I meant flood the entry plug with LCL." Aya announces, catching her mistake just in time. A few more seconds and you would have met a sweet, sticky death. The molasses drains from around your neck and the rest of your body, leaving you with a suit of sticky glaze. What looks like tang begins flooding in to replace it. You try drinking some. ...No, this is not tang. This is not tang at all. You start panicking as it reaches chin-level.

"Surpass the impossible and breathe it in like a motherfucker!" Kamina shouts through the plug's communications system. You obey, forcing the air out of your lungs and sucking in the blood-flavored fluid. At least, you hope that iron-y flavor is blood. You have no desire to find out what this fluid really is or where it comes from. To your surprise, you can breathe it without much difficulty.

"Ionizing LCL." Electra announces calmly. The fluid is almost clear now, and not much more difficult to breathe than air. The controls begin lighting up.

"Initiating primary contact and stuff. Beginning synchronization and junk." Great Detective Rei announces. Some trippy imagery appears all around you, then the giant screens covering the interior show a full 360-degree view of the outside. You know where you're watching the big game from now on. You also have a disconcerting feeling as if your brain has been wiretapped, and someone or something else is watching your thoughts. If you concentrate you can even hear some of its thoughts. The observer seems overly concerned with Electra's ass, and wondering what burritos taste like.

"Synchronization holding steady at 20%, and that's without the benefit of a plug suit." Aya says proudly.

"D-definitely without the benefit of a plug suit." Replies Great Detective Rei, who is trying her best to keep a straight face as she looks at a full frontal image of you on her monitor. She takes another drag from her pipe.

"Candidate 13, Great Detective Rei will be in charge of maintaining your sync rate and psychological stability. Aya will be in charge of your vitals. I will be relaying combat orders from Commander Kamina himself." Electra explains. You feel a lump rising in your throat as you realize your mental state is in the hands of a stoned detective.

"It's cool, man, just chill. Yeah I've been... I've been smokin' the Mary Jane, but I'm cool to drive." Great Detective Rei says as if she can read your thoughts. Your face turns red as you realize your thoughts must be displayed on the monitors in the control room in real time. You immediately begin suppressing all of your wild sexual fantasies involving Aya that have been floating around in your mind the whole time.

"Thank you!" Aya responds with deep gratitude and a hint of annoyance.

"Release restraints, and move the Eva to the Evavator." Kamina orders. The restraints holding the massive Evangelion in place are retracted, and the Eva is moved upright on a roller system to a huge freight elevator. You hear some locks click into place.

"We're ready, it's now or never." Electra announces.

"LAUNCH PIMPIN'GELION UNIT 33 1/3!" Kamina shouts as he strikes a heroic pose.

You brace for sudden liftoff, but it doesn't happen. Instead, the elevator slowly lifts the Eva towards the surface at a leisurely pace. Elevator music begins playing. The Inaba branch must have blown their budget on Unit 33 1/3's pimp medallion and had to install traditional freight elevators. As you look up, you realize you'll be on this thing for quite some time. What to do?


A: Try communicating with whatever is listening in on your thoughts.

B: Concoct wild sexual fantasies about Electra in your head to see how she responds.

C: Devour your molasses suit, doing so may increase your sync ratio.

D: Check out the Eva's Options menu.
Final Fantasy VII is being remade, all's right with the world.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Sachi » Sat Apr 02, 2016 12:24 pm

D. If you've got time to kill, you might as well see if this thing has Minesweeper or Solitaire.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Dima » Sun Apr 03, 2016 8:46 am

I would say A. Main character haven't spoken much yet so this would be a good chance.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby IronEvangelion » Wed Apr 06, 2016 12:16 am

Sorry about the long gap between updates. Looks like you guys want some D 'n A. :wink:
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As you absentmindedly fiddle with the Eva's controls, you happen to press a button that brings up the Options menu. You scroll through the list hoping to find Minesweeper or Solitaire, but neither of those games were bundled with the OS. However, there is a SNES emulator with a lot of roms, most likely left behind by a previous pilot. What happened to the previous pilot? You don't want to know right now. You start the emulator and run Street Fighter 2: Turbo on it. After taking a few minutes to map the controls to the Eva's hand grips, you start fighting. As you repeatedly get your ass handed to you, a strange voice echoes in your mind...

"Learn to Haddouken, noob!" "Jesus, do you even know how to block?" The voice keeps harassing you about your lack of skill with this game. Eventually you get sick of it and shut the game off.

"Oh, oh thank god. I couldn't stand another minute." The voice comments.

"And who are you? Where are you?" You ask.

"My name is Bertram. I'm very close by." The voice teases.

"Get your voice out of my head!" You shout in frustration.

"Only if you get your voice outta of my head." Bertram taunts. You are stunned by his reply. How could your voice possibly be in his head as well?

"I oughtta thank you for having my armor repainted. The last pilot had it painted pink and green, and I wanted to die." Bertram says. Your eyes widen. There's a logical explanation for this, but it sounds ludicrous. Could this be your Eva talking?

"Yep." Bertram replies as if he can read your thoughts. Then you realize that's what he's been doing the whole time. A few moments of awkward silence follow.

"...Seriously though, Electra's ass. You'd tap that, wouldn't you?" Bertram asks.

"Uh, what? I guess. I kinda just met her." You reply.

"Damn, son, I know I would. I stare at her rump all damn day while she runs her little tests on me. Many times I've wished I was human. Little lady likes to use my backdoor codes, I'd like to use her back door if you know what I mean! DAAAYUM!" Bertram exclaims.

"I think I get the idea." You reply uncomfortably. You aren't used to discussing sex with a giant robot. Is Bertram even a robot?

"That's what I'm talkin' about! Slidin' it all the way up in that tight..." (he gets much more graphic about his fantasies). You groan inwardly and try to drown him out. Unfortunately he keeps going on for the next 5 minutes, until the elevator comes to a halt with a thud.

"Uh-oh!" You both say in unison as you realize you've arrived on the surface. There is a very large... thing in the road right in front of you. It resembles a storm cloud with a huge pair of hairy human legs sticking out of the bottom. A dim red glow can be seen in the center of the cloud.

"Oh, bugger! Candidate 13, I completely forgot to tell you how to control the Eva!" Electra chimes in as the thing starts walking towards you. You panic and accidentally select Tutorial Mode on the Options menu you forgot to close. Irritating pop-up tutorial windows appear all over the place, obstructing your view of the target

"Listen closely: Keys 1 through 25 are your basic offensive maneuvers, 26 through 50 are for defensive maneuvers, 51 through 75 are for evasion, the first toggle switch set controls the built-in electric coffee maker, the second set controls the built-in home theater, left trigger and right trigger are used to do a barrel roll, and if you need to eject the ejection passcode is: 1urju3rhu3983fj2o9jd012jd293rujfhdje2093fh3294gh23jfm92p3jfdopqewkrjt. Godspeed." Electra says.

"Uh... what?" You ask. The thing in front of you looks ready to attack. What do you do?


A: Jackhammer the keys in hopes of hitting something useful.

B: Disable pop-ups.

C: Do a barrel roll!

D: Ask Bertram how the hell the controls work, neither Electra nor the pop-ups are any help.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Dima » Fri Apr 08, 2016 11:44 pm

A: Jackhammer the keys in hopes of hitting something useful.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby NemZ » Sat Apr 09, 2016 12:27 am

Come on people, there are rules to these things! If "Be Batman" is an option you always choose that, followed by "Put it in" and then "Do a barrel roll." It's only if none of those time-tested options are allowed that you should even need to think.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby IronEvangelion » Mon Apr 11, 2016 1:03 am

Looks like we're going with A.
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You strain to discern your target through the gaps between the pop-ups and begin jackhammering the keys in hopes of making this damn thing work. You hit a few of the toggle switches by accident along the way. You are rewarded by your Eva pumping out a 9-hit combo on the hairy-legged... Angeru? Isn't that what Kamina said this thing was? Sadly your tenth hit is canceled by a control-disabling tutorial pop-up that explains how to pull off a 10-hit combo. A buzzer sounds to let you know that your quintuple shot of espresso is ready. This dangerous-sounding drink is most likely the love-child of your furious fingers and the toggle switches. You rapidly close the pop-up windows manually, but they're coming in too fast!

"An uppercut can be performed by doing a half-circle with the left thumbstick and pressing 15!"

"You can barrel roll by pulling the triggers while unarmed!"

"Use the right thumbstick to look around!"

"The large thing in the center of your FOV is the enemy!"

"Tired of these patronizing tutorials? Upgrade to the premium Golgotha Dummy Plug and let us pilot the Eva for you!"


While you battle the pop-ups on your HUD, the enemy recovers its footing and drop-kicks you with a loud "AAYUMPH!"
Unit 33 1/3 goes flying backwards for a half mile and lands on its back.

"Mother fuck..." You curse as you straighten the kinks out of your back. The plug's monitors come back online to reveal the enemy stomping towards you, waggling its hair follicles menacingly. You also see a crowd of high school students cheering you on. You decide you need more intel and open a comm channel to Kamina.

"Hey boss, what exactly am I fighting here?" You ask.

"HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW!? You're the one up there with it! It looks like a stormcloud with big hairy legs!" Kamina replies in his infinite wisdom.

"That's what we call an Angel. They used to be the dominant life forms on earth, but they left for space millions of years ago. Then... they came back. Your job as an Eva pilot is to destroy them." Electra explains via a separate comm channel.

"That- That's a lot better, thanks. But why are the high school students celebrating during a dangerous battle like this?" You ask.

"Dude, you like totally just flattened Yasogami High. School's ooooouuuut...." Great Detective Rei chimes in.

You slowly pull your Eva out of the ruins of the high school you just landed on and right yourself. The angel is now only 800 feet away in all its hairy glory. You finally close the last of those damnable pop-ups and begin formulating a plan of attack:


A: Equip your Progressive Razor and shave some legs.

B: Try to grab the glowing red thing and pull it out of the cloud.

C: Haddouken!

D: Do a barrel roll!
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Dima » Mon Apr 11, 2016 10:37 am

A: Equip your Progressive Razor and shave some legs.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Sachi » Mon Apr 11, 2016 12:10 pm

D: barrel roll!
"Chaos is merely a human construct. The world only knows its own natural law of harmony and order."
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby IronEvangelion » Thu Apr 14, 2016 1:31 am

You reach over and pull your Eva's progressive razor out of its left pylon. The blade begins to heat up once it's flipped open. Immediately you get an emergency alarm: shaving cream cannister not installed. You grit your teeth. This angel is in for some serious razorburn. Suddenly its hairs stretch out and fly at you like harpoons. You turn your Eva sideways and do a barrel roll, managing to dodge all of them successfully. Your momentum carries you to the angel's feet, where you right your Eva and begin severing the angel's leg hairs with your progressive razor. The angel shrieks in pain as the hairs snap off like steel cables. It tries to kick you off, but you hang onto its right leg with one arm and keep shaving with the other. After 2 minutes of this, you finish the right leg. The skin is now heavily chafed and bleeding in several places.

Suddenly you feel a tremendous pain, as if hundreds of needles have been jabbed into your back. The angel impales Eva Unit 33 1/3 with the hairs on its left leg and throws you off violently. You land hundreds of feet away in a pasture, but your progressive razor goes flying off into the horizon.

"Aww, fuck!" you exclaim as you realize you have no way of shaving the other leg. That's when Aya contacts you over the comm system.

"Candidate 13, I'm sending a replacement weapon! It will arrive via the emergency lift to your left in a few seconds!" Aya informs you, and 3 seconds later a lift emerges from the pasture holding a steaming cylinder. You slowly get up and peer inside. This is... wax!?

"Progressive paraffin wax! Our R&D team's latest breakthrough. Apply it with the included progressive applicator and remove with the progressive rip-strips!" Aya explains. You equip the new weaponry and ready yourself. Then you charge the angel and jump onto its left leg, to which you begin applying the wax and strips. The angel is none too pleased with your spreading of scalding hot wax on its delicate skin, but you manage to get the left leg completely covered. But just as you start to pull the first strip, you are knocked off violently by a glowing hexagonal energy shield that comes out of the angel itself. You slam into the ground so hard that you are knocked out cold. Unit 33 1/3 lands on its side, looking towards the angel. Its pimp hat lands nearby. You and the Eva are sitting ducks now.

The angel chuckles and stomps on a taco restaurant in celebration. That's when something snaps in Bertram's mind. The Eva suddenly comes back online and begins slowly righting itself of its own volition.

"Sync graph is trippin' into another cosmos..." Great Detective Rei says as she watches the sync graph on her monitor go haywire.

"I can't get readings on any of the sensors! Pilot condition unknown! Unit 33 1/3 is rejecting all outside interference!" Aya exclaims.

"My god, it's gone berserk!" Electra shouts.

"HEY, I LOVE THAT ANIME!" Kamina exclaims.

Bertram puts his pimp hat back on and growls at the angel. "Bitch got no appreciation for tacos!? That's the pinnacle of human evolution and culture you just stomped on, muthafucka! You think you gonna come to my house, crush my muthafuckin' tacos, and get away with it? Looks like this little bitch is late fo' his waxin'!"

Bertram roars and charges the angel like a mad bull. He pounces on the left leg with such force that the angel is knocked over. The angel spreads its AT field again to protect itself, but Bertram rips right through it. He laughs maniacally as he begins ripping off the wax strips. The angel emits an earsplitting cry that shatters all the windows in Inaba as the rest of its hair follicles are ripped out. With the angel now disarmed, Bertram turns his attention to the cloud part. He reaches into it and pulls out a pair of glowing red spheres, which he then places on the pavement.

"Right in yo' bitch-balls, muthafucka!" Bertram exclaims as he stomps the spheres into a red powder. The angel lets out one last scream as it explodes in a shower of blood. Amidst the crimson rain, the Eva falls silent.

................

You awaken inside the plug. You have no idea how much time has passed. The plug is running on its battery reserves. You don't even know if this thing is even inside the Eva anymore. You need more intel, but are unsure of what to do next. What do you do?


A: Try to contact Kamina.

B: Run a system diagnostic test.

C: Try to open the emergency hatch.

D: Drink the quintuple shot of espresso you made earlier.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Dima » Fri Apr 15, 2016 7:29 am

D: Drink the quintuple shot of espresso you made earlier.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby IronEvangelion » Sat Apr 16, 2016 7:13 pm

As you sit there thinking, the can of quintuple shot espresso you brewed earlier floats by your face like a sign from an overcaffeinated god. You reach out and seize it with your hand. You're still not sure it's entirely safe for human consumption, but it will certainly taste better than the LCL. Quickly you pop the top and chug the entire can at once, being careful not to let it mix with the LCL.

"Huh, I would have thought it would have more kick to it." You say to yourself after waiting a few seconds. That's when it hits you. Your eyes begin glowing red and you let out an inhuman roar as your limbs spasm, activating the stereo system by accident. Ode to Joy begins blasting throughout the plug at maximum volume. Your thoughts become wild and incoherent, as if you're seeing events from the past, present, and future all mashed together into a single moment. All you know for sure is that you need to get up and MOVE!!! As soon as you think "Find way out!", a massive halo of pure energy appears above your head and cuts a hole in the top of the entry plug, which you then levitate up through. You keep on floating up until you're 20 feet above the top of the plug. For some reason it appears to have landed in a massive expanse of tall grass. However, right now you couldn't care less about how it got there. You just want to run! You drop to the ground and let out another roar as you rush headlong into the grass at over 80 miles per hour.

After about 15 minutes of zigzagging across the grasslands, you burn off the last of the caffeine. As your pace slows, your capacity for rational thought is restored and you realize you have no idea where the fuck you are or what happened to your Eva. To top it off, you have no idea which way to go to get back to the entry plug. You curse your luck and begin looking for anything tall you can climb on to get your bearings. After about another 30 minutes, you come across a large flat rock that rises taller than the grass. However, you notice a lot of funny-looking creatures eating something on its slope. They look like huge yellow mice with lightning bolt-shaped tails and crimson spots on their cheeks. As you creep towards them to see what they're doing, one of them turns around and spots you.

"Chuuu..." the creature says as it starts walking towards you. You notice the fur around its mouth is dripping with blood. The others follow it, licking their own blood-stained lips. With horror you behold what they were hunched over: the body of a ten year old girl, freshly killed. The creatures advance toward you in a predatory manner, electricity crackling on their cheeks. "Pikaaaaa..."

"Oh Jesus Christ, oh Jesus Christ...!" you say to yourself, beseeching divine intervention out of habit in spite of the fact that you were just fighting an angel a while ago. You try to run away since you're unarmed, but a jolt of electricity from the pack leader brings you to your knees. You panic and struggle to recover control of your muscles as they bare their sharp teeth and move in for the kill.

"HIT 'EM!!!" A young man's voice cries out from the grass to your right. The grass rustles as a hail of automatic gunfire zips through it. The leader of the creatures and two of his subordinates take bullets to the brain. Their heads explode like smashed pumpkins. The remaining six turn their attention to the new threat and begin charging up. "HIT 'EM AGAIN!!!" the voice shouts, followed by another even longer barrage of gunfire that takes out three more. The creatures fire back with electricity, and a young woman's scream rips through the air.

"GODDAMMIT!!!"

"LEMME AT 'EM!!!"

A continuous roar follows the last young man's deeper voice as the grass is cut down by a steady stream of bullets. The three remaining creatures are turned into red paste, but another group of fifteen crests the top of the rock. These, however, look like big orange lizards with tiny flames on the tips of their tails.

"Reinforcements at two o'clock! BRING 'EM DOWN!!!" the first young man's voice cries out. The second young man with the deep voice lets out a bellow of rage as he rains bullets on their position. Some of the orange lizards spew flames from their mouths that scorch the grass where the young men are hiding, but each of them are inevitably sawn in half by the gunfire. There's a long period of silence as the creatures finish twitching in their death throes. The rock runs red with their blood. Then comes the sound of footsteps. Into the clearing walks a nerdy-looking young man with glasses and sandy brown hair, which appears to be slightly singed. His school uniform shirt has been painted over with a camouflage pattern and is worn loose and open, showing off his well-defined muscles. He carries a wood stocked M-14 with a smoking barrel. Following him is a taller jock-type wearing a camo shirt over his black school track suit. This young man carries a steaming minigun.

The nerdy-looking guy walks over to you and extends a hand. He smiles when you take it and pulls you up. Then his expression gets serious. "Its dangerous to go wandering around like that! Wild pokemon live in the tall grass. You need an M-14 battle rifle loaded with hollowpoints for your protection! Hmm, I know! Here, come with me." he says, motioning for you to follow him. You obey, and he and the jock lead you back to the rest of their squad. More high school students with battle rifles and re-purposed school uniforms. Two of them, a girl and a boy, lay on the ground. The girl isn't moving. A girl with brown hair tied back in short pigtails, who was tending them, walks towards the nerdy guy.

"Hikari, how many were hit?" the nerdy guy asks.

"Just Ryu and Sakura. Ryu's coming around, but... Sakura didn't make it." the pigtailed girl replies with downcast eyes.

"GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!" the jock exclaims, clearly enraged by the news. He hears something rustling in the grass to his left. "You fuckers want some more!? Killing one girl wasn't enough for you, huh!? GET SOME!!!" he exclaims as he empties his minigun into the surrounding vegetation.

"Toji! Ammo, meathead! Check your fire!" the nerdy guy shouts at him. But it's too late. The jock just keeps clicking the trigger after the minigun runs out. Eventually he throws it aside and drops to his knees, screaming in rage. Hikari runs over to him and begins consoling him.

The nerdy guy shakes his head sadly and walks over to Sakura's body. He pulls her hair ribbon off and dips it in a pool of her blood, then wraps it around the forearm of her M-14. He walks toward you with the rifle. "Name's Kensuke Aida. Former student at Tokyo-3 high, now a Lieutenant in the Pokemon Destruction League." He offers you the blood-stained rifle. "A very brave girl died today so that you could live. Remember that whenever you hold this rifle." You take the rifle, and feel some of the blood leak onto your hand. "Come with me if you want to live." Kensuke says.

You think about your situation for a moment. You are lost in an environment filled with man-eating creatures. You have no idea how to get back to NERV, where the fuck you are, or what the fuck is going on. Even with a rifle it would be suicide to proceed alone, so you don't even bother continuing that line of thought. You decide to follow Kensuke and his squad, but you would like to know more about what the fuck just happened. What do you ask?


A: "Where the fuck am I?"

B: "What the fuck is going on here?"

C: "How far is it to the nearest town? I need to get in touch with my superiors."

D: "Is there a Burger King nearby?"
Final Fantasy VII is being remade, all's right with the world.
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Dima » Sun Apr 17, 2016 3:28 am

B: "What the fuck is going on here?"
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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby IronEvangelion » Fri Apr 22, 2016 1:56 am

"Uh, I hope you don't mind me asking, but... exactly what the fuck is going on here?" You ask Kensuke as you follow him.

"Pokemon happened, that's what. Forget all of the plausible denials the government keeps spewing, pokemon are real. They have been ever since the Fifth Impact." Kensuke says.

"Fifth Impact? What the hell is that?" You ask.

"Well, about five years ago..." Kensuke begins, but then changes his mind. "It would take too long to explain now. The whole thing is Level-Nine Classified Information. But know this: everything that is happening has happened before, over and over again. Sometimes a new thing like these fucking pokemon pop up, but otherwise the cycle keeps repeating. You, me, everyone on this planet is already dead. Several times over."

"What... the fuck!?" You say as you begin to suspect this guy has eaten too many special mushrooms.

"9.83 indeed. But that's not important right now. What is important is that we were all normal high school students UNTIL ONE DAY-!" Kensuke exclaims.

"...Every girl in the school fell madly in love with you?" You try to finish his sentence.

Kensuke whirls around, more than a little irritated. "You think this is some sort of generic shit harem anime of the week you just walked into, ya jackwagon? Well let me tell you something: if you take on the pokies with an attitude like that, the only harem you're gonna find yourself in is Mewtwo's harem, as his number one bitch!" He takes a moment to calm himself. "Okay, now as I've been trying to tell you, three weeks ago it was business as usual at Tokyo 3 High. Then we all heard it: the screeching war cry of the pokemon hordes. Our school was defenseless. We were overrun in minutes. They started dragging students out into the hallways and executing them, and then... they ate them. All the teachers they could find, anyone with any kind of special knowledge, was executed and thrown onto a bonfire made of our textbooks. They burned every scrap of information they could get their hands on, it was almost like they had a common goal they were working towards. In the ensuing chaos roughly 300 students including myself escaped. We watched in horror from the bushes as they torched our school while shouting victory cries from the roof. Luckily we had a leader to get us to safety, one of the professors. He had the knowledge and the connections we needed to turn ourselves into a force capable of fighting the pokemon."

Just then, something rustled in the tall grass nearby. Hikari aims her rifle in that direction. "What do you think? Scouts?" She asks Kensuke.

Kensuke pauses in thought for a moment with a stern look on his face. "Yeah they found us alright. Get your shit together, everyone! We're Oscar Mike!"

You gasp as Hikari throws a white phosphorus grenade onto Sakura's corpse. The body is burned to ash by the extreme heat.

"Keeps the pokies from eating her. Also keeps the authorities off our trail. Cops see a lot of dead bodies turning up in the tall grass, they start to get suspicious. Ain't no disrespect meant to her." Touji explains, having recovered his composure. The rest of the squad packs their stuff and gets ready to move out.

"Here, put this on. I know it's a girl's uniform, but it'll beat hiking around in your birthday suit." Hikari says as she hands you Sakura's spare uniform. It is now that you turn beet red as you realize you've been naked the entire time, all the molasses having run off your skin during your caffeine-induced sprinting.

"Err, thanks. Sorry you had to see that." You apologize as you put on the uniform dress. It's very light and airy compared to pants. "Seriously though, you seem like a pretty straight-laced girl. Weren't you weirded out by seeing me naked?"

Hikari looks at you with a blank expression. "I've been in this war for 3 weeks. I've seen way stranger shit than that."

"Let's go, gentlemen! Today would be nice!" Kensuke shouts to hurry everyone up. The squad forms a double line behind him. He motions for you to walks beside him. "Hikari, watch the rear. Rookie and I have point! Move it, everyone!"

.................................................

You and the Pokemon Destruction League soldiers hike through the tall grass for about 30 minutes, remaining ever vigilant. As time goes on, you start to hear more and more rustling in the grass behind you.

"Fuck, they're catching up..." a young man whispers to his squadmates. Not long after that, all of the cicadas go silent. Kensuke looks around nervously and motions for everybody to quicken the pace. After another 10 minutes of this eerie silence, it happens. One of the young men gets tired and falls behind the group, where he is dragged screaming into the bushes by an unseen force.

"CONTACT!!!" Hikari shouts as she begins firing at the unseen assailant.

"Weapons free! I wanna see short, controlled bursts only. That means you too, Touji!" Kensuke barks. "Keep up the pace and fire when you see the grass move!"

The entire group hustles, shooting at anything that moves while following Kensuke. Eventually the grass begins to thin and get shorter.

"We're almost at the LZ! Keep moving!" Kensuke shouts over the bursts of gunfire. You and the rest of the group burst into a clearing and take up positions near the center. Wondrous and terrifying creatures of all shapes and sizes follow you out of the grass, thirsty for blood. You fire a few bursts and bring down one that looks like a camel with twin volcanoes on its back in place of humps. The other soldiers begin picking off the pursuing pokemon left and right, but there are just too many for you guys to hold this position much longer.

"This is Freckled Leopard calling any and all choppers in the area, my squad is taking casualties and we need evac now!" Kensuke shouts into his walkie-talkie.

"Roger that, Freckled Leopard. This is the Secret of Mana, we'll be coming in hot as soon as we see your signal." A girl's voice responds. Kensuke throws a green signal grenade, and bright green smoke begins rising upwards.

"Freckled Leopard, this is Secret of Mana. We have confirmed visual. Stay out of the killzone." the girl announces over the walkie-talkie a moment later.

"Heads down, everyone!" Kensuke orders. You and everyone else duck as the sound of a helicopter's rotors grows louder. A Vietnam-era huey flies in low a few seconds later and hovers over the clearing, blasting Born on a Bayou over its loudspeakers. The men on board deploy miniguns from the side doors and begin slaughtering the pokemon on all sides. After about 30 seconds, the rest of the horde retreats. Kensuke and his squad cheer and begin boarding the chopper when it gets low enough. He and Touji help you on board, where you take a seat on one of the benches. After everyone is in, the chopper lifts off.

"That was like hell." You say.

"That's a pretty normal day for us. We all live in a pokemon war." Kensuke replies with a halfhearted smile.


It seems you'll be in the air with nothing to do for a while. Striking up a conversation will surely be beneficial to your current situation. Who do you want to talk to?


A: Talk to Kensuke.

B: Talk to Touji.

C: Talk to Hikari.

D: Talk to the pilot.
Final Fantasy VII is being remade, all's right with the world.
BASCH LIVES 2017
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"There are two things I can't stand: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch." -Nigel Powers (Austin Powers: Goldmember)
"Oh no, Haruka! My butt's already split! I think my whole team's butts are split!" -Minori (Senran Kagura: Estival Versus)

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Re: [CYOA] Evangelion 9.83: You Can (Not) Unread

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Postby Dima » Fri Apr 22, 2016 1:37 pm

C: Talk to Hikari.

Also, i have to say that the story has become really crazy.... in an awesome way! I really enjoy reading it. I know you said that it will be a crazy Evangelion CYOA but i wasn't expecting this. Keep up the good work Iron.
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