The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

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Ray
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The Shinji Ikari Rebuild Project

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Postby Ray » Wed Sep 09, 2015 2:28 pm

I've decided to post some of what I've completed of my Fanfic here. I don't know if I'll ever get around to finishing it, so I might as well share some of it.

Enjoy!
SPOILER: Show
[DELETED]
Last edited by Ray on Sun Jun 27, 2021 10:28 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Postby pwhodges » Wed Sep 09, 2015 4:41 pm

Please continue! You're building a persuasive scenario so far, and I'll be fascinated to see where you decide to go with it.
"Being human, having your health; that's what's important." (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
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Before 3.0+1.0 there was Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

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Postby KingXanaduu » Wed Sep 09, 2015 4:48 pm

Yay! Your first chapter of your fic. :) I can't wait to see what's in story with this series. Keep at it dude. More Rebuild fics need to be made. :)
"You're na�ve, Cecil. Even knowing betrayal and despair, you would depend on the whims of others?" - Golbez
---------------------------------------
Sephiroth: "Do you miss the Light?"
Golbez: "Hmph...I merely have duties to fulfill."
Sephiroth: "Too close to the brightness, and you may get scorched."
Golbz:.............
Golbez: Your loss can strengthen you.

"NGE Shinji is broken, Manga Shinji is an asshole, Rebuild Shinji is an idiot. Which is best? Uh, can I get some other options? All of these really suck." -Bagheera

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Postby Bagheera » Wed Sep 09, 2015 5:00 pm

That's a good start, Ray. Good pacing, good structure, nice characterization. Keep at it! :asuka_thumbsup:
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby Ray » Wed Sep 09, 2015 6:53 pm

Two in one day aint bad wouldn't you say?
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Last edited by Ray on Sun Jun 27, 2021 10:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Bagheera » Wed Sep 09, 2015 7:45 pm

Eh. The kids are alright, and Misato starts off alright, but guinea pig? Nah. Not her style. And the soldiers were flatly unprofessional. That can happen, but it's not consistent with what we saw on the Wunder at the beginning of Q. This was worst when they were dealing with Shinji, but the disrespect they showed Shikinami was appalling. They've been working with her for years and this is how they treat their superior officer (as a tip, they should never aim their weapons at someone they're not prepared to shoot, and that presumably includes Shikinami; the muzzle control when the kids were disembarking was way off)? The bit with her telling the guard to back off was cool, but Misato definitely should have backed her play there (and Q!Misato would have). There's friction between the two, but there's no way Misato would undermine Asuka's authority like that. Again, it's just not professional.

Apart from that: the prose is pretty good, but you have a comma problem -- overuse in some places, underuse iin others. I'd suggest you slow down and read things aloud after you write them, trying to figure out where natural pauses in speech might fall as you go.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby Ray » Wed Sep 09, 2015 9:36 pm

I've never served, so I honestly don't know how to write military people. And I don't have dozens of consultants like Anno does.

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Postby Bagheera » Wed Sep 09, 2015 10:03 pm

Basic handling of firearms will help you a lot here, so familiarizing yourselves with the rules will help:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gun_safety

This is why you don't want the guards aiming their weapons at the prisoners, and definitely not a superior officer: are they prepared to shoot Shikinami? No? Then their weapons shouldn't be pointed anywhere near her. Same for the Ayanami type: is she currently a threat? Is there any reason whatsoever to think someone will need to shoot her? No? Then they shouldn't be pointing weapons at her.

The other big thing here is basic professionalism. If Asuka tells a guard to stand down, Misato should back her on that unless Asuka's so out of line that Misato feels the need to countermand the order. If the guards need to apply handcuffs they should be professional about it, especially if they dislike the prisoners -- that's when being professional is most important, since they don't want to make mistakes and create problems for themselves and their unit. And even if they hate their prisoners they don't say it. A frosty glare here and there? They can get away with that. But coming out and saying it, and acting eager to kill the prisoners? No way. That paints them as loose cannons and as people who can't be trusted with responsibility, which is exactly the opposite of the image they want to project. They want to come across as competent and professional, so they should do their jobs and follow orders and keep their mouths shut. Later, during down time, surrounded by peers? Then the gloves come off. Maybe a couple of guards are talking outside a cell and they're overheard, or maybe they're in the mess hall, or whatever. The hateful attitudes might be there, but they shouldn't be displayed while on duty.

And Misato . . . heck, she was the most disappointing part of the piece, particularly after the nuanced treatment you gave Asuka. Asuka's angry, but not hateful. The Ayanami type's in her custody, and she tells the guard to back off, which was appropriate. Misato undermining her was not. And the interplay between Misato and Ritsuko . . . ugh. Misato should not be referring to a prisoner as a "guinea pig" (particularly not within earshot of said prisoner!), and she shouldn't be referring to Ritsuko by her first name, either. "Dr. Akagi" is far more appropriate in this situation. Just telling Akagi that they've retrieved an Ayanami type communicates everything that needs to be said there.

That all sounds negative, but again, I really like what you've done with the kids. Rei's probably the best of all; her innocent curiosity, childlike confusion, uncertainty about what needs to be done, lack of fear, everything about her so far is great. Same with Asuka; the anger is evocative of what we saw in Q, but so is the lack of hate. She does what needs to be done, maintains a professional attitude, and doesn't let her ego or her resentment get in her way. And Shinji, for all his passivity, shows a fair bit of complexity as well. He understands what he's done, expects to be hated for it, but you note that that's how he sees it, not necessarily how it really is or ought to be. That's pretty cool. I'd just like to see Misato and the rest of Wille take that line and run with it, since they ought to have very mixed emotions toward the kid right now. Show us that mixture. Good as well as bad, uncertainty, ambiguity, confusion, the hedgehog's dilemma. That's what brought us to this point, so run with it!
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby pwhodges » Thu Sep 10, 2015 1:16 am

View Original PostRay wrote:I've never served, so I honestly don't know how to write military people.

That's why I worked round it.

It appears (from the reluctance to lower it) that the private continued pointing his damaged weapon; given the likelihood it would explode in his face, that would be surprising.

And BM-03? No. They had decided that Shinji was human (at least as much as Asuka!), and in Q Misato still called him by name after everything he'd done. Changing now seems arbitrary.

I'm presuming that unlike us they have seen and destroyed countless Ayanami-types; but even so, the guard's reaction seems OTT - acting without orders when surrounded by superiors is not a good career move.

Guinea pig isn't right, either. I presume the idea is that Shinji needs further investigation to try and find what makes him an impact trigger - but that's not the same as making him an arbitrary subject for experimentation.

But it's early days. If you can add some more nuance to the adult characters you could still make this work. As Bagheera said, you're doing very well with the children. And the writing reads quite well too.
"Being human, having your health; that's what's important." (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
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Before 3.0+1.0 there was Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

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Postby MisterHalt » Thu Sep 10, 2015 1:48 am

Is this the same story I asked you about in PM a while ago, Ray?

I don't know jack about military stuff either, so I asked someone who did when I needed the right... phrases and such for orders.

The Ayanami type feels pretty much perfect here, and I'm me-tooing the bits about the Wunder crew's behaviour, so there's nothing new from me, really.

Great story, and I can't wait to see more.
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Postby Ray » Thu Sep 10, 2015 2:25 am

Ugh. Looks like I've got some rewriting to do.

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Postby BlueBasilisk » Thu Sep 10, 2015 8:28 am

There were a couple instances where you used "its" instead of "it's." Here are the ones I saw:

SPOILER: Show
""No, it's Beethoven." She said crassly, rolling her one good eye. "Of course its me! Who else do you think could survive for two weeks in the pit of hell? I'm alive. . .and inbound with two POW's.""

""Have it delivered to his cell once its ready. . .""

""Captain, its an Ayanami-type.""


Edit: Found a couple "your"s that should be "you're"s:

SPOILER: Show
""Good. Now do as your told.""

""Once your done with the brat, drink some yourself."




MisatoQ is a complicated character that's kind of difficult to write. There's so much you have to guess or infer about her and so little screen time to work with. She gives me problems too! Something that might help is to look at her behavior while on duty in 1.0, and the way she interacts with Shinji during the 5th Angel Battle and in the detention cell. She's stern and authoritative but conducts herself professionally while on the bridge, so to speak. If she's angry at someone and wants to dress them down, which is totally fine, she'd probably do it somewhere private.

You're off to a really solid start with these two parts aside from that, and I hope you decide to to continue. Like the others have said, you've done a really good job with the characterization of the Children! :D
Someday I hope that we'll be reunited if that is what's destined to be. Perhaps we'll discover that elusive bible. And then we will finally be free!

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Postby Ray » Thu Sep 10, 2015 4:50 pm

I'll get to editing the chapter above in a little bit. In the meantime. Here's another piece.

Remember what I said about not knowing how to write Military people? Well. . .

SPOILER: Show
[DELETED]
Last edited by Ray on Sun Jun 27, 2021 10:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby pwhodges » Thu Sep 17, 2015 5:19 pm

"Impudence will not be tolerated onboard my ship."

"Is- Is that an order Ma'am?"

I'm pretty sure that counts as an impudent reply. We don't know how long Wille has been in action, but it's long enough for Misato to be tired of running, so I would hope that even in that post-apocalyptic world she could have knocked the crew of her main resource into better shape than seems to be the case here.

Surely he wouldn't pilot once he found out the truth about what he had done, right?

But of course Sakura has no way of knowing what he had found out or been told after he left the Wunder (where he had still been told nothing).

Of course, what I'd like to see before too long is your not merely showing us the result of every choice being made for the worse, but some justification for these choices.
"Being human, having your health; that's what's important." (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
Avatar: The end of the journey (details); Past avatars.
Before 3.0+1.0 there was Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

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Postby Ray » Thu Sep 17, 2015 5:33 pm

I guess then this'll be the last bit I post for a while why I do some editing.

EDIT:

@PWHODGES
The events of the LAST movie weren't enough?

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Postby pwhodges » Fri Sep 18, 2015 7:34 am

No, they aren't. You are showing people who had clear humanity in the film as having lost it. You depict crew who were depicted as deferential and even admiring of their commander openly answering her back when given an order. This is pretty much a mutiny - there would need to be some kind of build up for it to be realistic, I think (not that I have any experience of mutinies!). Reticence showed us some crew who were prepared to use unauthorised violence at a similar point, but they were disciplined, as one would expect.
"Being human, having your health; that's what's important." (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
Avatar: The end of the journey (details); Past avatars.
Before 3.0+1.0 there was Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

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Postby Bagheera » Fri Sep 18, 2015 7:37 am

Yeah, this is not the crew we saw in Q. Those people were cold, but they were professionals. These people . . . not so much. I can't imagine a soldier in Q responding to Misato as one did here. The very notion is absurd.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

Ray
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Postby Ray » Fri Sep 18, 2015 4:57 pm

Ugh.

Darn and I worked so hard on this too. I even asked El Mariachi to beta for me.

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Postby Stillborn » Fri Sep 18, 2015 5:03 pm

Don't worry. Just because Bagheera can't imagine something, it doesn't mean it's impossible. :tongue:

You would probably get more variable responses if you posted the story on few different sites.
Another jaded man.
Wciąż stoję nieruchomo, w nieżywym już szeregu. Umieram na stojąco, niech inni giną w biegu.

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Postby Ray » Fri Sep 18, 2015 5:26 pm

Born. I've been trying my best to avoid turning to the dark-side.

With this Fic I'm trying to find a balance between the two extremes people have on this forum. Some say "Shinji will get out happy!" while others like you say 'Shinji will die in Final!".


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