(Nothing) New

[The Polyethylene Man]

Long time lurker, first time poster. The same summery could be said of my fan-fiction account, as I have a lot of great ideas, but never follow through on anything. I'd like to improve as a writer, both on quality and output, so I figured I'd join the club.
The only real project I'm working on right now is (Nothing) New, ye old turn back time and do it over again fic.
In this particular fanfiction, when time is reset at third impact it goes back to 2nd impact, and certain changes occur, despite no one remembering anything different. For instance, Prof. F leaves Nerv after Yui's soul is absorbed into 01, and raises Shinji while doing medical relief work in countries even worse off then Japan.
Rei has the strongest sense that all of this has happened before and will happen again, but even she's not sure what's really going on, because she's walking around with half a soul. She gets dreams and premonitions, but doesn't know what to make of them and lacks the agency to do anything. Shinji get's deja vu. Asuka gets angry.
When the cycle repeats, the angels are delayed in coming, so that Shinji and Asuka are 19 rather then 14. Shinji is going to college, and Asuka is a TA/PhD student in philosophy. It's her 2nd PhD, her first is in Chaos Mathmatics, which I don't know anything about, but it sounds cool. Rei is still 14, for reasons.
I have the prologue written. It's not much to go on, but I would appreciate any feedback on grammar, or just general critique. If anyone want to be a dedicated beta, or even a co-author, cool.
I'll try to write the first chapter tonight, probably around 2.5-3.5K words, but updates will be irregular, getting into cornell comes first.

SPOILER: Show

This must have been the fifth or sixth time. Rei was floating in the cavernous room’s central tube, Gendo Ikari gazing at her naked form in whatever passes for pride and affection for him. She had been lost inside her thoughts, the LCL in the tube deadening sound and obfuscating sensation, leading her mind to take over.
She remembered the future: the war against heaven and the end of all things. She remembered the boy at the heart of it all, and the sensation of the boy’s father inside her. She remembered other people’s feelings, other people’s thoughts, their love and hate and fear. Pictures, sounds, sensation. A child crying, a woman dangling from a rope, a trembling hand smeared with jism. The eternal refrain:
I Hate You.
I Hate You.
I Hate You.
Her soul sifted through humanity’s collective unconscious faster then her mind could keep up. Her head hurt from all their thoughts screaming to the surface.
She was in pain.
She was in orgasm.
She was alone in the sea of humanity.
Where is everybody?
is everybody in?
Is Everybody In?
The ceremony is about to begin.
WAKE UP!
“They’re here!”
“Rei.”
“They’re here!”
“Rei.”
Her eyes opened. Her commander called.
“Sir?” The lights in the dummy plug plant brightened at her motion, clearing her head of whatever had previously been there.
“You were screaming.”
“My apologies, Commander Ikari.”
“Why were you screaming, Rei?”
She thought about it a moment, trying to remember.
“I’m not sure Sir. I think we are under attack.”
“That’s enough for today, Rei. Clean up and report to the cages.”
“Yes Sir.”
Ikari left, his footsteps heavy against the esoteric etchings on the floor, the sound echoing off the glass walls of the dummy plant.
Rei initiated the disconnect sequence with her thoughts, causing the reddish orange LCL she was suspended in to drain through the grated floor of the tube, where it would be recycled. Above her the giant steel casing for the dummy uploader, began to rain down cold water at a healthy pressure. LCL was alkaline as blood was alkaline, and it felt sticky to her skin. She would not mind so much if she wasn’t required to wear clothes, but as it was, when the tube finished the clean up cycle and retracted into the ceiling, she walked towards the only thing in the room, a cheap metal folding chair with a towel and her clothes on it. Drying and dressing herself, she left the room, not even sparing a glance at the pale smiling faces tracking her motion from behind the glass walls.

[Glor]

Dig the concept. You established the atmosphere really well right off the bat, with a really good opening sentence to hook the reader. The vision bits were great and overall this flowed excellently.

However, there were a couple of parts I got hung up on. Particularly at the word Obfuscating. I understood what you were conveying with the word, but I stumbled over it - twice. Another word that took me right out of the narrative was Jism. It was just such a goofy word I had to make sure it was real. I think using semen would have sufficed.

I'm not sure if you practice this or not, but reading your work back to yourself outloud can really help smooth things out: if it doesn't sound right, it won't read right.

Now, some questions:

The Angels being delayed: is there a particular reason for this, or is it just because? If its something that's revealed later, cool, I'll wait. But, if there isn't a reason for it other than "Shinji and friends are 19"... well, perhaps you might want to think about why the Angels would be delayed. Addressing it in some way would be better than not addressing it at all.

On that note, Rei is 14 for reasons? Are they good reasons? I suppose I'll find out.

Also, since it seems you sincerely want to improve as a writer, I would advise against doing anything on the basis of "because it sounds cool". Research. Always, always research. No matter how minute a detail it might be - do it.

Otherwise, great stuff. I hope I did not come off as harsh - I am very interested to see where you are going to take this. Follow through - don't give up!

[The Polyethylene Man]

Thanks for the feedback. As for the vocab, I could see where obfuscating might trip people up, as I could just say deadening sound and sensation without the word at all, but I'm not going to shy away from SAT words. I actually really like the choice of Jism, as it's somewhat vulgar but not as juvenile as 'cum'.
Maybe I'll change Asuka's first PhD to something more practical to Eva, like quantum mechanics or bio-engineering. She's going to be involved in the science side of Eva, working with Dr. Akagi and Dr. Ibuki, as well as being the Pilots field leader (Although for a while the only pilots will be Asuka and Rei).

I have a sinister reason for Rei being 14, but I didn't really have a set reason for the angels being delayed other then I wanted the kids to grow up a little. Thinking about it now I might make the reason have something to do with Kaworu. I'll PM the reason for Rei being 14 to anyone who wants it, as I don't want to spoil it, but I'm afraid it may be too adam-kadmonesqe. No offense Adam.

Don't worry about being too critical, I can take it. I'm a space Marine too.

And now for ch.1 scene 1. Perhaps a bit overboard on the humor, but Eva is known for mood whiplash anyway. Please critique.

SPOILER: Show

He saw her standing across the courtyard. A young girl, maybe 14 or 15, with skin so pale that she’d probably bleed blue if you cut her. He hadn’t been in his home country since he was five or six, but he knew that direct eye contact with strangers was not causally done in Japan, and her gaze was firmly fixed on him, albinic red eyes meeting deep blue for long seconds. He blinked and she was gone.
“Professor?…”
“Yes, Shinji?”
He turned to look at kozo, who was using his time on line to go through Shinji’s housing forms and his own tenure paperwork.
“I just saw a girl.”
“Yes.” He didn’t look up from his paperwork “They have those in Japanese Universities.”
“N-No.” he stammered. “She was staring right at me.”
“That hasn’t happened to me since my hair started receding.”
“My point is, Dr. ...she was albino, and had no protection from the sun.”
“Albino?” The old man was suddenly interested, and looked up. “Where is she?”
“That’s the strange part. She disappeared.”
“Disappeared? What color was her hair?”
“White, I think. She-” Shinji forgot what he was going to say, distracted as he was by the air raid siren and the sudden tremors that knocked down everybody standing in the courtyard, sending him in particular crashing into a girl standing right behind him.
Their heads collided on the way down, and he exhaled sharply at the pain. He attempted to draw his head protectively between his knees, but tangled as their bodies were he only ended up pressing his face into her chest.
“GET OFF ME, CREEP!” Shinji wasn’t thinking straight due to the pain, but he could tell she was tall for a woman in Japan, perhaps due to her obviously european ancestry, and if he could go by the blows she was raining down on him, strong for one too.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please stop.”
“You’re gonna be sorry, blockhead!”
He rolled away from her, and she took that opportunity to take the tactical high ground and stand up over him. She looked brutally beautiful, a redheaded demon in a yellow sundress, long legs ready to inflict pain by stomping on poor stupid Shinji. She was about to snuff out his face with the heel of her fashionable but practical footwear when the old man saved his life.
“Miss Soryu?”
“That’s Dr. Langly to you.”
“I’m Dr. Fuyutsuki Kozo, the new department head of Metaphysical Biology.”
She paused, her leg raised in mid-air, as recognition dawned in her.
“Didn’t you work with Gerhirn before it was reformed?”
“Yes. I was heavily involved with Project E before an accident occurred during a contact experiment with this young man’s mother.”
“Who…?”
“Shinji Ikari, the son of Yui and Gendo Ikari.”
“What?” She was momentarily stunned at the fact she was beating the crap out of the Commander’s son. She didn’t even realize that she was giving him a clear view of her thong covered groin.
“Red’s definitely her color.” He would not have uttered those words if not for the brain damage she had surely inflicted upon them.
She realized what he said, and her face changed from a look of surprise back into a cold anger, ready to pass judgment. He screwed his eyes tight, and it all retuned to nothing.

[ThanatosII]

Maybe I'll change Asuka's first PhD to something more practical to Eva, like quantum mechanics or bio-engineering. She's going to be involved in the science side of Eva, working with Dr. Akagi and Dr. Ibuki, as well as being the Pilots field leader (Although for a while the only pilots will be Asuka and Rei).

[Url=http://wiki.evageeks.org/Metaphysical_Biology]This[/URL] may be what you're after then.

Don't have time to leave my thoughts on the fanfic though, but thought I'd quickly throw a bone.

[Glor]

Thanks for the feedback. As for the vocab, I could see where obfuscating might trip people up, as I could just say deadening sound and sensation without the word at all, but I'm not going to shy away from SAT words. I actually really like the choice of Jism, as it's somewhat vulgar but not as juvenile as 'cum'.
Maybe I'll change Asuka's first PhD to something more practical to Eva, like quantum mechanics or bio-engineering. She's going to be involved in the science side of Eva, working with Dr. Akagi and Dr. Ibuki, as well as being the Pilots field leader (Although for a while the only pilots will be Asuka and Rei).

I have a sinister reason for Rei being 14, but I didn't really have a set reason for the angels being delayed other then I wanted the kids to grow up a little. Thinking about it now I might make the reason have something to do with Kaworu. I'll PM the reason for Rei being 14 to anyone who wants it, as I don't want to spoil it, but I'm afraid it may be too adam-kadmonesqe. No offense Adam.

Don't worry about being too critical, I can take it. I'm a space Marine too.

Fair enough, Poly (can I call you Poly?) I didn't mean to imply you should avoid using "SAT words", it's just about using the right one, or not using one at all. There's beauty in simplicity. In the end, it's a stylistic choice, so I digress.

It seems a pretty common trend in Eva to make Asuka all sciency and stuff, but it fits, so no criticism there. Asuka being a squad leader of sorts makes sense, at least considering her age, since she is likely less of a loose cannon at 19. L

Sinister is good, if done right. Kaworu seems to have the same kind of weird, quantum presence as Rei, so tying him into why the Angels take so long to return can be really interesting depending on where you take it. You can PM me the business with Rei, I'm only familiar with a few of Kadmons works, but I'm not much a fan of what I have read, save for Paracosm.

I'll check out scene 1 and critique later tonight.

[The Polyethylene Man]

I know typing out my entire username is a pain, so anyone who wants can call me plas or Poly, as in plastic, like the superhero Plastic Man

Thantos2: I won't be making Asuka a metaphysical biology major because I don't want her knowing too much about soul stuff right away, considering what happened to her mother. Besides, Yui Ikari was Bio-Engineering. Akagi is some sort of Engineer as well (both an MD and a Engineering PhD, according to one of Chuckman's fics), and Ibuki seems to be Computer Science, so Project E needs diverse talents.

Glor: I probably won't go with obfusticating, as it's unnecessary, but I will keep jism, or maybe replace it with ejaculant. I look forward to your continued feedback, and I PMed you Rei's age.

[Glor]

I don't think you need to worry about mood whiplash. The first half of Evangelion was extremely goofy before spiraling into a bottomless pit of depression and self-loathing.

With that said, this was a great scene that made me chuckle.

For the most part, dialogue flowed well, although could probably use some revision towards the end. Descriptions were vivid, however, I think a little more time spent establishing exactly where they are could help this scene a lot. I realize they're at a Japanese University, but establishing the immediate setting (scenery, people, whats going on around them) helps immerse us in the story. For instance, why are they in this courtyard at this University? Are they waiting for someone or something? Does Fuyutsuki teach at this University?

You can tie this into Shinji's POV. A little more exposition into his thoughts and thought progression could do well to flesh out this "new" Shinji and, again, immerse us in the story.

Now for some nitpicks!

kozo should be capitalized - Kozo.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please stop.” Considering he's being beaten, there should be some more urgency in his voice here, easily fixed with a couple of exclamation points.

She looked brutally beautiful, I assume you were trying to get at the fact that Europeans tend to be a little more squarely built. Jaws, noses, shoulders, etc. Or just that she was very foreign. I don't think brutally beautiful gets this across quite right. That is to say, I understand what you are trying to get at with the word, but it doesn't really paint a clear picture in my mind.

He would not have uttered those words if not for the brain damage she had surely inflicted upon them. Upon him?

Otherwise, great scene. Looking forward to more.

[The Polyethylene Man]

Hi, it's been a while. I must once again admit I don't manage my time well. I've been dragging my feet due to schoolwork and smash bros. Ch. 1 is still a long way from being completed, but I have a rough draft of scene 2. Being slightly drunk does wonders for my productivity.
I think I'm going to switch Rei's POV to be after Gendo's POV, which is the opposite of the way I wrote it.
Some other notes
Nixed Obfuscating and changed 'she was in pain' to 'she was in agony' in the prolog.

Ch. 1 scene 2A (Rei in entry plug)

SPOILER: Show

Rei was sitting in the entry plug, stoically awaiting launch orders and listening to confused chatter over the comms. Nerve was understaffed and unprepared. While Rei didn’t completely understand how Nerve got it funds from the UN, she knew that it wasn’t operating at anywhere near to full capacity. The Enemy was five years late, and the crippled world economy couldn’t justify having a massive military force like Nerv on permanent alert, especially considering that Nerve’s true purpose of defending the earth from an otherworldly threat was a secret, albeit a poorly kept one.
Most of the world suspected that Second Impact was not a meteorite, but an attack. The official explanation looked weak against the mountain of leaked documents and satellite photos, and science’s complete inability to explain why a meteorite impact would turn well over half of the world’s oceans into what was commonly referred to as God’s blood.
In a way it was good for the world to see past the lie, so they could know there was a reason why Tokyo-3 was the richest and most fortified city in a world that couldn't afford it. Perhaps they would be less terrified when the monster came up out of the sea, as it was doing that moment, looking for all the world the exact opposite of it’s namesake.

Ch. 1 Scene 2 B (Gendo in CIC (yes, CIC instead of command center, because battlestar))

SPOILER: Show

Gendo Ikari sat atop the command tower, studying the gigantic holographic screen that took up the whole north wall of the CIC while the bridge crew scurried around like ants in the foreground. He was supposed to be part of a conference call between the UN, the JSDF, and the American Navy, but the conversation just seemed so petty. The JSDF was livid with the US Navy because they had fired upon The Enemy the second they had picked it up on Sonar, while it was in Japanese waters, before AT sensors had even confirmed it was blue blooded alien scum. They hadn’t stopped when the JSDF complained, and were in fact still firing upon it, even as it came up from the depths.
It was a sight to behold: vaguely simian, vaguely amphibian, clearly ugly. It had no head, and in place of a face it had a grotesque stone mask with dark eyes and a long beak, centered between it’s shoulders, and a large red orb in what would be it’s solar plexus. It was massive in a way that none of God’s creatures should be able to be, washing away Japanese artillery pieces with all the water it displaced. It advanced upon the beach without a care in the world, swatting away Japanese VTOLS and American drones like so many disease carrying flies.
The JSDF was telling the Americans that they had things well in control now, and that they can leave their airspace at any time, thank you.
The Americans were asking the UN for permission to Nuke it.
Gendo found some slight amusement at how none of them seemed to realize how insignificant they were, just moths beating themselves against the light of heaven. A Nuclear Weapon, or even a Non-Nuclear Rapture class warhead, could probably damage it in the same way that a single wafer might help a starving man, but the only thing that could stand up to it was an Evangelion, and they were wasting their time trying to fight it with conventional weaponry.
The UN had finally been an adult and told the US Navy ‘No, you cannot launch a Nuclear Weapon in a populated area in a sovereign nation, even if half our Air-Force and ⅔ our Naval Fleet is made up of hardware you loaned to us, because Japan is the one paying the bills these days anyways.’
There was several minutes of nationalistic posturing on all sides, but eventually they reached an agreement.
The compromise was that they, The Japanese, were going to use a Rapture class ‘N2’ explosive on it, in the form of a mine detonated at it’s feet when it reached Mt. Takanosu, which would be any moment now.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Everyone in the CIC stopped what they were doing as an explosion lit up the screen briefly before it went off line.
Gendo played with his smartphone while the visual feed was being restored, checking on the location of the second child and Major Katsuragi. Rei could go out there alone if need be, but she lacked the combat skills and initiative of the strong willed second child, and Katsuragi was needed for her tactical expertise. Although Gendo was the Supreme Commander of Nerve, he had no illusions that he was a military man. He was a scientist and a bureaucrat, and although one day he would be much more, for now he needed the advice of military minds.
According to the GPS trackers in Katsuragi and Langly’s phones, they had just met up at Tokyo-3 University. He remembered the hag had said something about new faculty at the university, but he could never quite manage to remember anything she said before she left his quarters at night, disgusted as he was by her badly concealed post-coital neediness and vulnerability.
It made no difference to him. The University belonged to him in all but name, just like everything else in this town. It all existed to support Nerve. As long as Lieutenant Langly fulfilled her duties to Nerve she was allowed to do whatever she pleased and work with whoever she liked. The hag actually encouraged her to act as a recruiter for Nerve’s technical division, and that was all fine and good. Nerve could use all the talent it could get, because as the central screen clearly showed as it blinked back to life, not even an N2 mine could kill The Enemy.
Gendo pressed a button on his desk to activate the comms, and then rested his arms on his desk and interlaced his fingers to hide the small smile on his face.
“Rei.” he said. “Launch.”

[Glor]

Being drunk does amazing things for productivity! Great minds think alike.

Honestly, I think reading Rei's POV before Gendo's works just fine. Just my 2 cents on that.

Ch. 1 scene 2A:

A good start with some nice background exposition. I do like the recasting of NERV as Nerve. Although it feels like this scene is a little lacking in substance.

Ch. 1 scene 2B:

CIC can still apply to ground-based installations, and it adds to the uniqueness of your atmosphere. The insight into the current political climate throughout the scene was really cool.

Really only one nit-pick, I believe the waiting, waiting, waiting interval was unnecessary. While transitioning directly to the next paragraph isn't the smoothest, its better than actually waiting for the narrative to continue. If you were looking to build up anticipation, remember the golden rule of writing: show, don't tell. If you were simply trying to find a way to transition to the actual explosion, I would recommend just toying around with this part a little more.

Not too much else in the way of criticism. You just forgot the 'e' in Langley.

[The Polyethylene Man]

Hi, all. Well, hi Glor anyway. I got almost nothing done over winter break, partly because the holidays themselves, partly because I got my tonsils out, partly because I'm moving out of my mom's basement and into someone else's basement in Brooklyn, and partly because I got Pokemon for Christmas.
I actually finished a scene tonight, so please do me a favor and tear it apart. But before that I'll post the updated chapter 1 Scene 2, which is gendo in the CIC. I've cut the part with Rei in the entry plug, and maybe I'll add it in later. Also note in Ch. 1 Sc. 1I've changed the cringe-worthy "[Asuka's] thong covered groin" (I was drunk when I wrote it ok) to "revealing undergarments"

Updated Ch. 1 Scene 2 (I still need to go back and change "hag" to "harpy" to help distinguish this is Ritz-chan and not her mother.)

SPOILER: Show

Deep beneath Tokyo-3, Gendo Ikari sat atop the command tower, studying the gigantic holographic screen that took up the whole north wall of the CIC.The bridge crew scurried around like ants below him, prepping for the first Eva combat sortie in history.
He was supposed to be part of a conference call between the UN, the JSDF, and the American Navy, but the conversation just seemed so petty. The JSDF was livid with the US Navy because they had fired upon The Enemy the second they had picked it up on Sonar, while it was in Japanese waters, before AT sensors had even confirmed it was blue blooded alien scum. They hadn’t stopped when the JSDF complained, and were in fact still firing upon it, even as it came up from the depths.
The mere sight of it was overpowering: vaguely simian, vaguely amphibian, clearly ugly, it was massive in a way that none of God’s creatures should be, washing away Japanese artillery pieces with all the water it displaced.
It had no head, and in place of a face it had a grotesque stone mask with dark eyes and a long beak, centered between it’s shoulders. A large red orb sat below the mask in what would be it’s solar plexus, the throne of it’s soul.
It covered an enormous amount of ground with each titanic step and causally swatted away Japanese VTOLS and American drones like so many disease carrying flies. Any hope of subduing it was false.
Over the Phone, the JSDF was telling the Americans that they had things well in control now, and that they can leave their airspace at any time, thank you.
The Americans were asking the UN for permission to Nuke it.
Gendo knew that a nuclear weapon, or even a Non-Nuclear Rapture class warhead, could probably slow it down, but the only thing that could truly stand up to it was an Evangelion, and they were wasting their time trying to fight it with conventional weaponry.
The UN had finally been an adult and told the US Navy ‘No, you cannot launch a Nuclear Weapon in a populated area in a sovereign nation, even if half our Air-Force and ⅔ our Naval Fleet is made up of hardware you loaned to us, because Japan is the one paying the bills these days anyways.’
There was several minutes of nationalistic posturing on all sides, but eventually they reached an agreement.
The compromise was that they, The Japanese, were going to use a Rapture class ‘N2’ explosive on it, in the form of a mine detonated at it’s feet when it reached Mt. Takanosu, which would be any moment now.
Gendo took the opportunity to fiddle with his smartphone, checking on the location of the second child and Major Katsuragi. Rei could go out there alone if need be, but she lacked the combat skills and initiative of the strong willed second child, and Katsuragi was needed for her tactical expertise. Although Gendo was the Supreme Commander of NERV, he had no illusions that he was a military man. He was a scientist and a bureaucrat, and although one day he would be much more, for now he needed the advice of military minds.
According to the GPS trackers in Katsuragi and Langly’s phones, they had just met up at Tokyo-3 University. He remembered the hag had said something about Langley teaching a new course this semester and something about new faculty, but he could never quite manage to remember anything she said before she left his quarters at night, disgusted as he was by her badly concealed post-coital neediness and vulnerability.
The CIC was silent for a moment as a flash lit up the screen, and then the magnetic wave from N2 mine knocked sensors offline. Suddenly all the techs were talking at once, trying to get a read on the situaiton.
The hag encouraged Langly to act as a recruiter for NERV’s technical division, and he actually agreed with her. NERV could use all the talent it could get, because as the central screen clearly showed as it blinked back to life, not even an N2 mine could kill The Enemy.
The conference call was silent as the Enemy withstood an attack that made hiroshima look like a party-popper. When they gathered their wits they would issue him command authority, but why even wait for that.
Gendo pressed a button on his desk to activate the comms, and then rested his arms on his desk and interlaced his fingers to hide the small smile on his face.
“Rei.” he said. “Launch.”

and
Ch. 1 Sc. 3

SPOILER: Show

Dr. Asuka Soryu Langley was not a happy girl. She sat in the back of Misato’s car, arms and legs crossed, looking out the window while pointedly ignoring the unconscious boy buckled into the seat besides her. In the front of the car, Misato was talking animatedly with the fossilized academic she had met fifteen minutes ago, who was sweating nervously and clutching the dashboard and his seatbelt.
“If you’re scared, Herr Professor, the back is always the safest place in the car.” Futziki looked at her, but was too scared by Misato’s driving to be insulted.
“Oh, come off it Asuka.” Misato looked up from her cell phone (because God forbid she watch the road) “Didn’t anyone teach you to respect your elders? Dr. Futziki here knows more about Project E then anyone but Ritz and The Commander.
“And you knocked out The Commander’s son! Since you knocked him out, you have to take care of him.”
“Drop the mommy act Misato. The creep deserved it! And I can’t believe you’re taking these two to the Geofront instead of dropping them off at a shelter.” Asuka knew that one of these days Misato’s loose grasp of protocol would get her in hot water. If she didn’t kill them both with her driving and thus doom the world.
“It’s not like I’m giving them a tour, Asuka. We’re just going to drop them off at the non-essential personnel shelter at HQ. I don’t think the janitors or lunch ladies are going to tell them all of NERV’s secrets.”
The old man gave a nervous chuckle, “Hmm, yes. Nothing I don’t already know.” He swallowed loudly, and said to himself more than anyone, “Shinji will probably learn quite a bit before too long anyway.”
Asuka furrowed her brow. “Now what’s that supposed to mean, Herr Professor?”
“Nothing, nothing. Forget I said anything.” Fuyutsuki tried brushing her off, but Asuka was prepared to press him further.
“Now listen, old man-”
“Asuka.” Misato cut her off.
“No; I want to hear what he has to say.”
Asuka! Shut up and get down.” Misato decelerated rapidly, and pulled over to the side of the road before stopping. There was a bright flash from the mountains to the east, and Asuka suddenly forgot what they were talking about.
She waited anxiously for about five seconds, and then the pressure wave hit. First came the physical shock of the blast, and then all the dirt it kicked up clattered against the passenger side and blacked out the windows. She felt her heart float up into her throat as first one wheel rose off the ground, and then another. The car balanced for a moment on it’s driver side wheels, then came tumbling down.
She forced herself not to tense up as the ground came up to meet the window next to her. Trying to fight the force of the crash would only lead to worse injury, so when the window shattered and she felt herself being sliced from the center of her left eyebrow straight down to her lip without sparing her eye, she knew she was getting off lightly. The seatbelt held her in and prevented her from crashing into the roof, and then into the boy next to her as the car completed it’s rollover.
As the fireball in the distance diminished and the car reached equilibrium, a quiet came over the group as the adrenalin rush started to taper off. No one spoke, but after while the boy next to Asuka gave out a loud yawn and stretched his arms up to the ceiling. He smacked his lips a couple times the way people do to relieve post somnia dry mouth. He reflexively wished the old man a good morning and then turned to notice Asuka bleeding all over the back seat of the car. Then he noticed Misato rubbing her chest and complaining her boobs hurt from the seatbelt, and then the old man started groaning.
He looked puzzled, and said
“I feel like I’m missing something.”

(read this in Misato's voice)
"Next time in Chapter 1, Angel Attack!: Shinji has a strange dream before waking up in a car full of injured people. Rei fights a Giant monster in a Giant robot. Shinji stitches up Asuka's cheek because he knows how to do that stuff and doesn't call her a bitch but thinks it. And Gendo and Ritsuko have an ominous conversation about Rei.[/spoiler]

[Glor]

Glor's Beta thread? Ja.

Honestly I liked the part with Rei in the entry plug, but it was a little too short to be its own scene. I like the flow of scene 2 much better now. Me gusta.

I'm... I'm not sure what the Futziki thing is. A reference I'm missing? Or just a typo?

I would avoid parentheses at all costs, as they tend to break the readers Willing Suspension of Disbelief by cutting into the narrative. You could try substituting them with dashes or another comma instead.

"Dr. Futziki here knows more about Project E then anyone but Ritz and The Commander.

“And you knocked out The Commander’s son! Since you knocked him out, you have to take care of him.”

I would recommend connecting these two lines or putting a character action or something inbetween them, like Misato turning around to look at Asuka, as an example.

Other than that, good banter and very vivid descriptions of the proceeding blast of the n2 mine without being drawn out or boring. Good work!

But the part with Shinji waking up was... a little out there. I'd imagine someone would respond to that situation with a little more panic. There's comedic merit in it, to be sure though.

Everything else was great, had a lot of fun reading this scene.

If you're having trouble getting past writers block whenever you do have the time to write, you really just have to make yourself write. Don't be concerned with writing something good the first time around, just write. Don't worry about where you're going with it, just go. Whenever professional writers finish a first draft, 95% of it is garbage. But then the hardest part is out of the way and they can go back to change, edit and turn it into something incredible.

[The Polyethylene Man]

Guten Morgen, Eva nerds. I pumped out this short scene much faster then expected. I edited scene three, and I think the ending is much better now.

Ch.1 Sc. 3

SPOILER: Show

Dr. Asuka Soryu Langley was not a happy girl. She sat in the back of Misato’s car, arms and legs crossed, looking out the window while pointedly ignoring the unconscious boy buckled into the seat besides her. In the front of the car, Misato was talking animatedly with the fossilized academic she had met fifteen minutes ago, who was sweating nervously and clutching the dashboard and his seatbelt.
“If you’re scared, Herr Professor, the back is always the safest place in the car.” Futziki looked at her, but was too scared by Misato’s driving to be insulted.
“Oh, come off it Asuka.” Misato looked up from her cell phone because God forbid she watch the road “Didn’t anyone teach you to respect your elders? Dr. Futziki here knows more about Project E then anyone but Ritz and The Commander." she swerved to avoid a sidewalk that came out of nowhere, and once the danger was past she turned around in her seat to look Asuka in the eye “And you knocked out The Commander’s son! Since you knocked him out, you have to take care of him.”
“Drop the mommy act Misato. The creep deserved it! And I can’t believe you’re taking these two to the Geofront instead of dropping them off at a shelter.” Asuka knew that one of these days Misato’s loose grasp of protocol would get her in hot water. If she didn’t kill them both with her driving and thus doom the world.
“It’s not like I’m giving them a tour, Asuka. We’re just going to drop them off at the non-essential personnel shelter at HQ. I don’t think the janitors or lunch ladies are going to tell them all of NERV’s secrets.”
The old man gave a nervous chuckle, “Hmm, yes. Nothing I don’t already know.” He swallowed loudly, and said to himself more than anyone, “Shinji will probably learn quite a bit before too long anyway.”
Asuka furrowed her brow. “Now what’s that supposed to mean, Herr Professor?”
“Nothing, nothing. Forget I said anything.” Fuyutsuki tried brushing her off, but Asuka was prepared to press him further.
“Now listen, old man-”
“Asuka.” Misato cut her off.
“No; I want to hear what he has to say.”
Asuka! Shut up and get down.” Misato decelerated rapidly, and pulled over to the side of the road before stopping. There was a bright flash from the mountains to the east, and Asuka suddenly forgot what they were talking about.
She waited anxiously for about five seconds, and then the pressure wave hit. First came the physical shock of the blast, and then all the dirt it kicked up clattered against the passenger side and blacked out the windows. Most of the car trains to the Geofront were located in the semi-urban sprawl at the edge of the city, so there was only long stretches of highway and single story buildings between where the car was and the epicenter of the blast. She felt her heart float up into her throat as first one wheel rose off the ground, and then another, while all the while debris from the blast pelted against the windows. The car balanced for a moment on it’s driver side wheels, then came tumbling down.
She forced herself not to tense up as the ground came up to meet the window next to her. Trying to fight the force of the crash would only lead to worse injury, so when the window shattered and she felt herself being sliced from the center of her left eyebrow straight down to her lip without sparing her eye, she knew she was getting off lightly. The seatbelt held her in and prevented her from crashing into the roof, and then into the boy next to her as the car completed it’s rollover.
As the fireball in the distance diminished and the car reached equilibrium, a quiet came over the group as the adrenalin rush started to taper off. No one spoke, but after while the boy next to Asuka gave out a loud yawn and stretched his arms up to the ceiling. He smacked his lips a couple times the way people do to relieve post somnia dry mouth. He reflexively wished the old man a good morning and then turned to notice Asuka bleeding all over the back seat of the car. Then he noticed Misato rubbing her chest and complaining her boobs hurt from the seatbelt.
Demonstrating his dual ability to ask stupid questions and point out the obvious, he turned back to Asuka and asked if she was alright, because she was bleeding quite badly..
The old man in the front seat started groaning.

The edits also kind of establish that they're driving in the city, rather then wherever the hell Misato takes Shinji between the train station and the Geofront. Tokyo-3's layout confuses me. I know Hawkone is a real place and there are maps of it, but where Misato and Shinji are when the N2 mine goes off confuses the hell out me. I want to establish Tokyo-3 Univeristy as an urban campus. I imagine it as several retractable building surrounding a park about the size of a city block, which they use to hold events. But that doesn't matter till next chapter.

I think any chapter that focuses on Rei's POV should be weird and feature Doors lyrics, just like the intro, so tried to write this from an Omniscient POV. It's just a transition scene because I can't have two scenes with Shinji and Asuka in a row. Most of the angel battle will be viewed by Shinji's terrified POV, except the final berserk scene where Rei can tell us about 'heartace and the loss of God. Wandering, wandering in hopeless night'.

Ch. 1 sc. 4

SPOILER: Show

The giant rose to the surface just as the last of the towers were retreating underground, leaving it the tallest thing in the city. The few onlookers that did not retreat to the shelters could not later agree just how tall it was, giving numbers as low as 40 meters and high as 200 meters, but it dwarfed the few armored buildings that could not retract into the ground, none of them coming much higher than it’s navel. It looked like a man: two eyes, two legs, two arms; but a man stretched out, elongated. It’s predatory looking armor and jagged horn where dark purple and bright green, the colors of poison fungus and cartoon witches, as if it’s entire appearance was made to frighten children.
It stepped off the platform it came up on and approached one of the power and supply stations that raised when the city was in danger. It took from it a power cable as thick as thick as a car, and attached it to a port in it’s back. Then it took the weapon it would be using for the initial phase of the engagement, a gigantic bolt action sniper rifle, and hefted it as if it didn’t weigh 200 tons.
The giant moved east from it’s position in the center of the city, and it moved with a purpose. The Enemy was in the mountains, and it would be coming soon.
It sprinted in a low crouch, balancing it’s body and it’s rifle with a grace that should not be possible at it’s immense size. After two kilometers or so it reached the end of it’s cable, and ducked behind another power supply station.
The most urban parts of the city were spread out along a grid about five kilomitors north and south and seven kilomiters east and west. Power and supply stations were littered throught the city and surrounding countryside so that you were never more than half a kilometer from one.
The cable was ejected from it’s back, crushing a bus stop and a parked car, and was then replaced by a new one. The giant continued east, doing this every few kilometers.
When it reached the edge of the city it waited behind a building. The enemy would be barely discernable to human eyes at this distance, but the giant saw it clearly. It sat in an earthen crater scorched out of the hillsides surrounding it, flexing it’s gills in its bizarre equivalence of breathing heavily. It’s face mask was split, but it was already shifting back into shape. It’s core shone brightly.
A mechanical groaning came from the streets, and a segmented steel and concrete wall began to raise at the edge of the city, a kilometer in either direction from where the enemy would meet the giant.
It braced it’s rifle against the wall, calculating bullet trajectory and waiting for permission to carry out it’s purpose. The enemy’s gills where undulating more slowly now. It’s stone face was whole again.
The giant was armored in metal and powered by a plug in it’s back. It’s eyes were connected to computers that relayed video signals. But if there was anyone around to see it in the moments before it took the first shot against the enemy, they would see it fidget nervously like teenage girl inside of it.

Ch.1 Sc. 5 will be Shinji putting a cervical collar on Kozo and and then gazing lovingly into Asuka's bleeding eye while he stitches her up. Then they get to watch Rei in Unit-01 fight the angel, and Shinji will wet himself.

[Glor]

Haha! Yes! Much better, I dig it!

In the series, its not specified where Shinji is when he gets picked up, though based on the dialogue between the Generals in HQ and the landscape, the most likely place is Gora: a small town nestled between Mt Hakone and Mt Asama.

Although it looks like he might have been further south by the Hakone Tozan Railway. Misato could have picked him up, taken the highway down to Lake Ashi and driven up along it to Tokyo-3, while the N2 mine was detonated by Gora.

So whether or not he's actually in Tokyo-3 when they get picked up is up to you.

Rei should feel creepy and out of place, considering she [s:1w45zo17]is soul-bound to the Emperor[/s:1w45zo17] has the soul of a space god.

A few typos here and there, but its a pretty solid scene.

Keep going, OP.