Fanfic Firing Squad: Shinji and Warhammer 40k

[Seele00TextOnly]

...

[Mr. Tines]

And I’m sure D&ampD isn’t made for zit-faced high school geeks either.

And it wasn't. It was made by serious adult wargamers for other serious adult wargamers (the main culprits were in their mid 30s and mid 20s at the time), based on a long-standing sub-type of SF fanac. There was general horror in the gamer fan community when the game started to take off amongst schoolkids. But that was before Bryan Ansell managed the reverse takeover of Games Workshop and used the magazine thus acquired to market spiky chaos death ork minis to the pocket-money pester-power demographic.

[MugwumpHasNoLiver]

Oh Great Tines! While you're at it, tell us about how your blood brotherhood built Stonehenge.

[Defectron]

I have a freind who is an extreme closet warhammer 40k fan, he got up in the middle of sex so he could check his download of a warhammer40k pdf. The girl left, but he doesnt care cuz it was a great pdf.

There should be a scene where Shinji has sex with Asuka and/or Rei/Mari and then he get sup in the middle of sex to check his warhammer 40k pdf download and he just sort of forgets he was having sex. Better yet have it be Misato this happens to, that'd rock like the balls of a walrus that got eaten by a rock lobster!

[Cody MacArthur Fett]

OK, I first saw this on Spacebattles, and . . . Holy frak, I don't think I've ever seen such a strong and fast negative reaction to anything posted on the site save for The Conversion Bureau, which is almost universally despised everywhere humans know of it. It was surprising from my point of view, since I thought it was funny, but . . . Well, one doesn't get ahead without failing first, and mixed in with all the backblast is some well-meaning and good advice that should be taken to heart.

Of course, you could just blow off those who gave their honest critique, but that will almost certainly result in stagnation, and stagnation is death.

[Lucretius]

Eh...I think most of the negative feedback stems from a certain fixed idea of what a "riff" should be: i.e., done in the form of a "skit" and fundamentally sympathetic to the stuff we poke fun at, neither of which would really fit our style well. Though labeling our individual contributions might not be such a bad idea...

Our jokes are admittedly not comedy genius--we usually just crack these out for fun in a couple of hours, in varying degrees of sobriety--but c'mon, did you see the meta-riff on Spacebattles? If that's what space battlers think is funny, well, I don't feel so bad about their regarding us as the Carrot Top of fanfic mockery...

[Monk Ed]

Eh...I think most of the negative feedback stems from a certain fixed idea of what a "riff" should be: i.e., done in the form of a "skit" and fundamentally sympathetic to the stuff we poke fun at, neither of which would really fit our style well.

There were some darn good points brought up in that topic, and I can't imagine you all missed them.

[Cody MacArthur Fett]

Eh...I think most of the negative feedback stems from a certain fixed idea of what a "riff" should be: i.e., done in the form of a "skit" and fundamentally sympathetic to the stuff we poke fun at, neither of which would really fit our style well. Though labeling our individual contributions might not be such a bad idea...

Our jokes are admittedly not comedy genius--we usually just crack these out for fun in a couple of hours, in varying degrees of sobriety--but c'mon, did you see the meta-riff on Spacebattles? If that's what space battlers think is funny, well, I don't feel so bad about their regarding us as the Carrot Top of fanfic mockery...

Not defending the meta-mock in the slightest. Still, could you guys at least try to respond to your critics? You all have SB accounts, and I'd hate to wind up in a situation where I'm playing messenger boy between two feuding parties that could talk to each other at any time.

[Seele00TextOnly]

...

[EvangelionFan]

Those Spacebattles threads are terrible. Every time someone mentioned MST I facepalmed a little inside... and having said that, it was clear as day that the users over there are not at all conditioned for the kind of riffing that the FFFS produces. There's also the bit where a fair number of the replies mistook the riff as an intended piece of constructive criticism (one user went as far to lengthily assert that it was).

I'd recommend you just stick to posting these at EvaGeeks, as you are, after all, selecting Evangelion Fanfics for your commentary.

[esselfortium]

Yeah, they're even sadder than expected.

I'm going to selfishly blame Lucretius who suggested we post there for the sake of amusing reactions, and then disappeared without making a comment or response of his own. Isn't that right, Lucretius?

[Cody MacArthur Fett]

Those Spacebattles threads are terrible. Every time someone mentioned MST I facepalmed a little inside... and having said that, it was clear as day that the users over there are not at all conditioned for the kind of riffing that the FFFS produces. There's also the bit where a fair number of the replies mistook the riff as an intended piece of constructive criticism (one user went as far to lengthily assert that it was).

I'd recommend you just stick to posting these at EvaGeeks, as you are, after all, selecting Evangelion Fanfics for your commentary.

There have been, in all the years I have been a member of Spacebattles, a grand total of two riffs or MSTs, both in the last few months, and both about TCB stories written by They Whose Name Brings Civil Unrest. To say the site isn't used to these sort of things would be an understatement.

Truth be told, I think that the vast majority of the backlash can be summed up in one word: unfamiliarity. Most SB-ers don't know you, so when y'all come on in to the site to mock a story written by an established longtime member of the site the natural human instinct to "protect our own" kicked in and they collectively countered against a perceived threat. Had you guys posted in various threads and started a few story threads (especially Esselfortium, Essel should totally have updated his story thread, and he should still do it, soon) in the weeks leading up to posting the Fanfic Firing Squad thread there probably wouldn't have been as much backlash.

In my opinion, you can still salvage this and come back strong, but it will require interaction with people, outside your threads, and consistently over a period of time. I recommend you don't give up though. Nothing good comes from just giving up.

[Murmur]

Quite frankly, after reading that thread you opened, I prefer 4chan over SpaceBattles. They're so hostile it's really depressing, and their superior attitude always annoyed the hell outta me.
Another thing that bothers me, is the "member of SB" thingy. That story was posted on FF.Net, so why is the author pretending to be a spacebattles member?

[Bagheera]

Gotta admit, I'm not at all clear on why y'all would subject yourselves to that. Doesn't seem like the right crowd for the FFS's efforts.

[Cody MacArthur Fett]

Quite frankly, after reading that thread you opened, I prefer 4chan over SpaceBattles. They're so hostile it's really depressing, and their superior attitude always annoyed the hell outta me.
Another thing that bothers me, is the "member of SB" thingy. That story was posted on FF.Net, so why is the author pretending to be a spacebattles member?

Charles Bhepin is known on bluepencil on Spacebattles and has been a member since 2007 and has made 3,425 posts. Here's the story thread . . . Ironically, it seems the author didn't start that thread. Started plenty of others though.

Also, they're not usually that . . . aggressive. Certainly not in a unified fashion. It's something I've only seen once, maybe twice before.

Gotta admit, I'm not at all clear on why y'all would subject yourselves to that. Doesn't seem like the right crowd for the FFS's efforts.

The Ero-Sennin just challenged Seele00TextOnly to a riff off, and she excepted. "For fun" seems to be the reason. So Saturday shit's going down, and Scar Tissue is the designated whipping boy.

[Bagheera]

The Ero-Sennin just challenged Seele00TextOnly to a riff off, and she excepted. "For fun" seems to be the reason. So Saturday shit's going down, and Scar Tissue is the designated whipping boy.

I realize (that's "accepted" btw). I just don't see how it can end well for her, but if she winds up having fun more power to her.

And I think Scar Tissue had a lot going for it, honestly. It had some glaring flaws, no doubt about it, but there were still some good ideas in there.

[Monk Ed]

Truth be told, I think that the vast majority of the backlash can be summed up in one word: unfamiliarity. Most SB-ers don't know you, so when y'all come on in to the site to mock a story written by an established longtime member of the site the natural human instinct to "protect our own" kicked in and they collectively countered against a perceived threat.

I didn't get that sense at all from reading the FFS S&WH40K topic on SB. The meta-riff, for example, seemed to freely agree that S&WH40K was bad, but at the same time felt that FFS was lobbing ridiculous criticisms at it that were not deserved even by it.

Here's an example of the former:

He was alone there, as he preferred. It wasn't that far from his house, but in the aftermath of Second Impact many properties still remained abandoned.

Um, wait. Is there a single part of this sentence that wasn’t already firmly established? Of course he’s alone you said so, of course he’s near home he walked here, of course this is in the aftermath of 2I and of course that was a very important incident... …

Shinji: That's another point for him...

Harry: Let it be said that Shinji and Warhammer 40K was not a good story worth defending, but that this review was crap.

...and here, of the latter:

Second Impact was man's attempt to wield the hands of godhood. It brought them low, purging them of their previous petty problems.

And the revisionism starts immediately as always. There were untold wars and cataclysms in the aftermath, and in the current setting of the show there’s widespread starvation and... sigh. Yes. Second Impact was to NGE what First Contact was to Star Trek. Sure. Why not.

Shinji: What is he on about now?

Harry: He thinks that Bpen is trying to smooth over the orgy of disaster, blood, and violence that was the Second Impact and the World War that followed.

Shinji: But... didn't that bit of purple prose actually point out the fact that life after the Second Impact was so cruel and fucked up, that everything before was petty?

Harry: That's exactly what it said.

Amuro: That flew so high over esselfortium's head that he didn't even know it until the JDAM it dropped vaporized him.

^ I guess this one's not so much a critique of the style as just the pointing out of an error of interpretation on FFS's part, so I'll also include this example:

He opened the book, the pages crackling with newness. Illustrations, paragraphs, numbers, all there and unfamiliar. None of it made sense. The pictures matched the figurines, though, scenes of conflict and deaths on a massive scale were clear enough.
He did not understand, anything, but knew enough that he held in his hands something epic.

Harry: A completely reasonable reaction from a ten year old child who finds a suitcase full of toys and books full of crazy art and lots of English he can't read.

It’s a fucking board game. Goddamn, Shinji is easily impressed.

Harry: He's ten. It's a box of toys he's never seen before from the ocean.

(...)

For the first time in his life Shinji learnt NEED. He needed it. He needed to know what it meant. He would never let it go, never give up this discovery. For a time, he considered just burying it as a treasure all his own, but then there was always the risk of someone else finding it and taking it.

Shinji: You're ten years old, you find a box of really cool toys and instructions on how to use them in a completely different language. Wouldn't you be hyped to learn more?

And on that glorious day, Shinji learned that personal fulfillment can only come from merchandise and consumption.

Harry: On that glorious day, Shinji became a child.

In the hell world ruined by disaster, this was truly his first time ever seeing ‘need’. Was Shinji the Buddha before this point?

Harry: No, he was a lonely, emotionally neglected child. Read the room, mate.

If there was any one sentiment that I think applies to all the posters there who had a bad reaction to FFS, I think it's the sentiment encapsulated in these examples. These sections don't feel like they're defending anyone so much as pointing out exactly what they feel is wrong with the FFS style. I feel like anyone could have written the portions marked "S&WH40K" and the meta-riffer(s) would have reacted the same to what FFS wrote.

[Lucretius]

It bears repeating that we're not pretending to be Charles Bhepin's therapist or creative writing teacher. If you want "No Negativity" and "constructive criticism," there's always TV Tropes, but watch out for the pedos.

[Seele00TextOnly]

...

[Lucretius]

Continuing chapter one:

In response to reader criticism, we have decided to completely retool the FFS concept! From now on, we will strive to give fair and balanced criticism, lest anyone think we are hostile to geek culture or forty-chapter odes to board game fetishism. Also, all riffs will now be done using wacky anime characters as mouthpieces, because why not? Let’s see what Kamina, Pikachu, Mojo Jojo, and that girl from Kanon with the angel-wing backpack think about this story!

Kamina: ROW ROW FIGHT DA POWAH

Pikachu: Today in The Fan Fiction Firing Squad, we will be examining Shinji and Warhammer 40K part 1.2! But worry not, fans of tabletop rpg crossover fanfiction works; I’m sure your subculture has many appealing aspects, much like my award winning card game and video game series along with serialized television productions and movies. And surely Charles Bhepin is a very handsome man who has no trouble getting a date!

Mojo Jojo: Pika-pika! No wait that’s your line! Curses!

Kanon Girl: Am I kawaii uguu~~ :3

(All of the characters gather around a TV screen with a tub of popcorn and watch the fanfic scroll by. This format will simulate social interaction for the reader, who is living an empty life of mindless consumption in our increasingly atomized post-modern society.)

Pikachu: Now this is the story about some other anime, Evangelion. Some of you are from animation too, are you not? I think this might be kind of humorous for us to watch and comment on. It is why we have gathered.

Kamina: (hits Mojo Jojo with an anime-style mallet)

Mojo Jojo: Kamina, you will pay! I will have my revenge by making you read the earlier part of this very chapter!!!

Kamina: I can’t drill to the heavens after reading that. :(

Kanon Girl: YUICHI I BAKED YOU A BATCH OF HEART-SHAPED COOKIES UGUU~~

=][=
School in post-Impact elementary was that it taught history up to, but just short of, Second Impact.

Kamina: THE ART OF MANLY COMBINING IS A THING OF BEAUTY!

Kanon Girl: This fanfic sucks! (shoots the screen with a bazooka because physical comedy in text format is hilarious)

Pikachu: Now that isn’t true, angel-wing backpack girl. Charles Bhepin is a fine writer with many good qualities that just need to be refined! Many of our readers write fan fiction as well, and we must play to their insecurities.

Mojo Jojo: MOJO JOJO SMASH!!!

Luc: Alright, that meta-joke got old pretty fast. Don’t worry, gentle reader: after this riff, we will return to our usual tone of withered cynicism and holier-than-thou condescension.

Essel: We will be making a small change this time around in attributing our names to our comments, for a more conversational reading style. We should have done this a long time ago.

Luc: We hope you enjoy your descent into fanfic Tartarus. We, the Fanfic Firing Squad, will be your Sibyl, but be warned--the golden bough is broken, and you may ne’er return whence you came!

The children might ask why the world was as it was, but they would have to know it from other sources. They would not be given official word until the next stage in education.

Seele: ‘Son, I think it’s time we had a talk... about when a meteor and a polar ice cap love each other very muc--’
‘Dad I know!! Geez!’

His final years were about rediscovering the finest stages in humanity's history. This would have been when he discovered the more cultured eras, and classical music.

Luc: God knows sixth graders aren’t mature enough to handle the powdered wigs of the Baroque era. Shit’s intense.

He would have found its haunting patterns more to his liking, instruments uniting and falling, relics of a much more hopeful era. It was dead music suited for a dead world. The past was gone under the seas, with all its frenzied beauty. All that lay in the future for Shinji were ruins and damaged goods.

Essel: That’s no way to talk about Asuka!

He would have known this, and was part of what would made him so depressed.
He could not imagine in what possible way things could be better. How could it possibly compete to the sheer perfection of these concertos? How could it be anything but a tarnished, imperfect reflection of these long dead?

Seele: It’s starting to what would make me cry, too.

It made him believe that the luckiest died in died at the most glorious portion of humanity's history. They would remain with it, and never know how ugly and uninspired the world could be. A Shinji Ikari, who saw Titans in the shadows of buildings and walking tombs in the trees, had a much longer view.

Seele: Yes this Shinji’s frenzy of delirium allowed him to see monsters and bombs everywhere, truly the longer view.

Luc: The luckiest ones mercifully died before this story was posted on ff.net.

Compared to the bleakness of the forty-first millennium, it was still so much the better. So very much. He had faith in humanity, he was told how it could rise and fall, burning anew like a phoenix from the ashes.

Luc: This guy’s style manages to sound melodramatic and oddly robotic at the same time, like Mr. Spock writing an 18th century gothic novel. There’s no joke here; it’s just a weary observation. :(

History itself supported this. That a cathedral once gilded now lay moss-stained and ruined was nothing to be sad about. It was enough that the shape still remained. It was all the more impressive to him, that it could still be so defiant against the tide of history.

Seele: Are we going to be walked through his entire education process? I guess I need to face the music that the ‘40k’ in the title isn’t standing for the word count... unless... it means 40k paragraphs. *gulps*

Chee: YOU DON’T FUCKING EVER MAKE JOKES LIKE THAT SEELE EVER

It was only right and proper that things should fall into ruin. The greater the fall, the farther to new heights they could reach, climbing upon the remains of those before.

Luc: I’m sure Hegel’s view of history was influenced by tabletop rpgs as well.

Seele: At least EoE makes a little more sense now.

TV was a rare pastime as he grew up, filled mainly with cheesy reruns and news reports. The radio was slightly more lively, but the most cheerful of music didn't find its way into the airwaves. J-pop, mind-melting, sugar-filled J-pop, was a vanished piece of Japanese cultural heritage.

Seele: Yes surely Shinji would not find himself listening endlessly to mind-melting, sugar filled J-pop on his SDAT in the series that we all presumably actually remember watching.

Shinji did not need the cello to chase away the silence of his bland hours. He and his uncle played the game less and less, but they shared in its ambiance.

Luc: Sometimes, Shinji and Warhammer would “practice kissing” in the privacy of his
room.

Seele: You’ve been reading ahead, haven’t you...

His aunt was no longer the remote specter she was, and the house never seemed so tomblike. He had been to tombs, he knew what that felt like.

Seele: Yes Shinji Ikari had been to plenty of tombs. Wait what?

Luc: Maybe this version of Shinji spent his youth raiding crypts, like DJ Croft.

His hobby, unsurprisingly, was sculpture. There was plenty of clay to be had and there was an oven right there in the kitchen.

Luc: This is Shinji after his miraculous discovery of geek culture. Of course he can sculpt, and paint too. Liking the same pop culture artifacts the author likes gives you superpowers.

It was a hit and miss process, and he wasn't really all that good with it. His creations had a tendency to fall apart, as no one had told him about frameworks and bracing.

Essel: This was also true of the author’s creative writing teacher.

He acted as if it was one big secret, and his guardians were careful not to make too much notice of it. It was certainly nothing to be ashamed of, but Shinji was embarrassed easily. They supposed he was ashamed his efforts looked very little like the miniatures.

Seele: They were cookies, he insisted. Shinji ate many a pound of clay to maintain his subterfuge.

"Shinji…" his uncle said finally. "The miniatures are made of plastic, not clay. Maybe instead of sculpting them into something, you can sculpt them out of something." He gave the boy a bar of bathing soap and a utility knife.

Seele: ‘Look you dummy, we’re sick of you stinking up the place and driving our gas bill up the wall. For gods sake it’s plastic can’t you tell? Here take up the archaic art of whittling. God I wish you’d get some friends.’

Chee: “This’ll teach that little shit to FUCK WITH MY CLAY”

It was the best gift he could have given, and it was not even his birthday! In a previous time, his uncle would simply have given over money as a token gift during birthdays, in thinking quite reasonably (if callously) that the boy could just go out and get what he wanted.
Affection proved a much better present.

Luc: I love how merely being in a house where Warhammer is present has transformed Shinji's relatives from the Dursleys to Ward and June Cleaver.

Shinji did not actually improve in his sculpting efforts, but became the cleanest, sweetest smelling boy, ever, in his school.

Luc: Maybe the author is working through the pain of that time his crush told him he smells like cheetos and mothballs.

In another place, Shinji would have saved up his money to buy a cello, being so unwilling to present himself as a bother. Here he was comfortable enough with his guardians to ask them for the money to get one, and so unwilling to lie (it displeases the Emperor!) that he told them why.

Seele: When Shinji raised the ire of the fictitious Emperor of the 41st century he was often compelled to lash himself and cut his thighs with a butter knife.

Chee: I don’t see how this is different from any other belief system.

He was of course, red-faced and stuttering as he said it.

Essel: This, on the other hand, apparently really pleased the ol’ Emperor for some reason.

For it turns out, that there was this girl, in the school band…
His guardians shared a look.

Seele: “Alright, pay up.”
Essel: “Drat! And I was so sure!”

So, it was about that time, eh? His uncle looked like he had swallowed a prune, and ran out of the room.

Seele: Uh, huh? Is this supposed to be some sort of remotely natural reaction to hearing of a kid in your charge expressing that he in fact has a crush?

Luc: Uncle Vernon had been carrying a torch for Shinji all those years...

Shinji supposed it was indigestion.

Seele: Shinji was kind of retarded like that.

Essel: The author supposed this was going to be funny.

His uncle went right out the house, and collapsed there, completely unable to contain his mirth.

Seele: Okay, seriously... what the hell is going on here.

Chee: “I HAVE TO RUN FROM THE PUBERTY GOBLINS”

Shinji had always been a serious boy, but now he was… GRIMLY serious. He began to roll around.

Seele: Yes, surely this story is beyond reproach. Why, the use of the word ‘critique’ in approaching it should be done with only the gravest of sincerity and thoughtfulness, and frankly if one isn’t an accomplished writer themselves they have no room to speak on the matter whatsoever.

Chee: I can’t make a joke about this. Nothing I could say could possibly top the bewilderingly insane image of a VERY SERIOUS Shinji GRIMLY rolling about on the carpet in a sudden fit of puberty-induced mania with GRIM SERIOUSNESS while his Uncle apparently just stops giving a shit, runs outside flailing like a maniac, and apparently has a mind-shattering spontaneous orgasm on the lawn from how ecstatic he is that his nephew has discovered the sensuous allure of vaginas. This is some David Lynch-grade material. It’s art.

Seele: Actually Chee I think the Uncle did the rolling around too, not Shinji. But that spastic comment is still a thing of beauty.

Luc: Well, it’s probably the author’s fault for not specifying who’s doing the rolling. But at this point, I’d be willing to blame Charles Bhepin for the Armenian Genocide.

That left his wife to just shake her head and sigh.

Seele: ‘I remember when he used to do the Curly Shuffle like that for me when I told him I wanted to touch his dingaling...’

She motioned Shinji to take a seat by the table and explain. Her comforting, serious, motherly manner coaxed the information out of him.

Seele: What information? He already said he likes some girl and wants a cello to impress her in the band. Is the foster mother really that fascinated to hear what color the girl’s hair is and what she likes for lunch?

Chee: What the hell is wrong with this family? If I were her, I’d be calling the psych ward while hiding under the sink with a lighter and a can of WD-40.

She didn't tease him, or give on any tricks to win affection. She made a mental note to make sure her useless husband didn't try anything. Instead she just told him to make friends and find a common interest.

Luc: So Shinji grew up in a terrible Home Improvement-esque sitcom, complete with a bumbling, uncouth Dad and a put-upon mother rolling her eyes at the antics of the menfolk?

Chee: More like the cast of a Takashi Miike movie.

"That's why I need a cello, auntie." he said, nodding and likewise calm. "It's the only position unfilled. If I own an instrument, I can get in sure."
"Ah, Shin-chan, but music isn't so simple. If you don't love music for itself, you'll never succeed. And you would only dishonor yourself and the girl if you build your friendship on a lie."

Luc: I dunno, Shinji’s aunt, I joined band to get out of shop, and I think I did okay.

Seele: It’s reasonably sound advice. Let’s see how he processes it...

Shinji nodded. He knew all about honor. It separated humanity from the foul xenos.

Seele: *facepalms* Oh God.

Essel: The foul xenos... This incarnation of Shinji is so single-minded in his obsession that he’s making Rebuild Shinji seem downright normal.

Luc: “Kid, honor was invented by guys like me to sell tabletop rpgs,” said Don Draper, grinning smugly.

One had to be ready to go to extraordinary lengths to defend it, even breaking a world was nothing, rather than let it fall into the chaos of falsehoods, broken oaths, sacrilege, dishonor.

Seele: Sounds like this Shinji has all the makings of a Jim Jones. Again this sort of explains EoE a little too much, like earlier... You’re starting to creep me out, author.

His uncle came in, breathless, and saw the two sitting there with their backs straight and hands folded over their laps, with faces placid and polite.

Seele: The still Unnamed Uncle was breathless, profusely sweating, covered in filth from the lawn, all from having heard that his young charge did indeed have a crush on someone.

Luc: He’s been collapsed outside the whole time they’ve been having this conversation? Holy shit, the aunt really should really get a mental health professional on the line.

All that was missing was for them to be sitting cross-legged, maybe throw a few big banners around, for it to be all out of some samurai drama.

Seele: Just... what? Why? … I don’t even... I can’t possibly be the only one seeing how stupid this is....

Luc: There’s enough material somewhere in this fic for a graduate thesis on the relationship between fascism and pop culture. I just wonder what Hiroki Azuma would think of all this...

He gurgled something that sounded like "Bahah-!" and fled.
His wife shook her head again. Useless.

Luc: “Useless. There’s no sense in putting off the organ-harvesting,” thought Shinji’s aunt.

Seele: I think he might be having a psychotic rabies or syphilis episode. .. Certainly don’t recall him being this batshit insane earlier in the chapter; it might be time to call an ambulance or something, Aunt Beru.

"Remember, Shinji, if you do go into practicing music, you need to see it through. No matter what happens, no matter how difficult it is, even if you don't make friends. Music is something that requires dedication all through your life."

Seele: ‘Playing an instrument in a grade school band is a lifelong commitment!’ But yes for most part she is once again wise, in complete contradiction of her attitude throughout the first quarter of the chapter. Gotta love the slippery characterizations of unnamed pivotal characters!

Luc: I think there’s a family of possums living in the French horn I bought in middle school. But okay, sure, lifelong commitment.

The boy's eyes widened. She could not have phrased it any more attractively to him. "I won't fail!" he said, puffing his chest out. "I'll give my life if that's what's asked!"

Essel: Meanwhile, in a riveting chapter of Kensuke and Warhammer 40k...

Shinji's aunt couldn't resist anymore. She pinched both his cheeks and cooed. "Shinji's a good boy!"

Luc: “You didn’t make first chair?!” said Shinji’s aunt a week later. “Go out on the lawn and commit seppuku at once!”

Her husband finally managed to get back inside, saw Shinji's grotesquely distorted face, and continued to be useless.

Seele: It’s called a massive stroke, it’s really a shame the paramedics couldn’t come and save more of his brain...

Chee: “ERGNBHT FLEEG BGLBLAGGBL SPACEBGHFURHER”

=][=
Unknown to him, Shinji had gathered a few admirers at school. He was not all that 'cool' to the boys, still something of a nerd, but to the girls he was more appealing. It was by simple matter of selection.

Luc: As the only possessor of toy monsters in a world inexplicably devoid of popular culture, Shinji had his choice of mate.

First off, he was clean and orderly. Boys as a rule were dirty, sweaty and rude. Shinji was not merely neat, he did so on his own without seeming to notice and without looking a like a pretty boy. Orderliness without being told was the first sign of maturity.

Seele: Speaking with dolls and attempting to enact fantasies of becoming a master of mind control, however, were not. Oh yes, this story goes there.

He was smaller than most of his classmates, but seemed more than them somehow. His eyes were deep and unflinching, and he had a well of silent self-assurance. Whereas he was once a recluse for the lack of it, now he was set apart because he had too much of it.

Luc: This is like a Batman fanfic where Bruce Wayne’s parents are still in good health, and he’s an insurance salesman. Which I’m sure has actually been done, but still.

He was mysterious that way, independent, aloof, they knew those he lived in were not his parents and unfortunately that was fangirl fodder.

Seele: All this and more was fangirl fodder; the message boards were aflutter with nekomimi fanart of him and the yaoi fanfic was almost always a hit with little regard for quality or characterization.

Luc: Unfortunately? “Pfft, silly women-folk, trying to pollute my pure masculine essence with their filthy vaginal secretions.”

A Space Marine feared nothing, and his every step was to purpose.

Seele: Shinji was, however, not a fucking space marine. Goddammit.

Luc: A true Space Marine fears nothing, except girls, human interaction, and shaving.

The books however told little about the ways of human interaction, specially towards the opposite sex. There, he was lost. If only she was more like the Adeptus Sororitas!

Seele: Oh he’s lost alright.

Lucretius: Shouldn’t “adeptus” agree in gender with “sororitas?” Harumph, dorky Warhammer game-makers and their ignorance of Latin grammar!

Then there would be no problem. He never thought women would any be weaker than men.

Luc: “Real women should be more like the fetishized ninja assassin warlock catgirls in MY ANIMES!”

Ever since the event years ago, in which he pulled out a singular Waaagh! that he swore never to repeat, he had learned to keep his figurines at home.

Seele: Wait, hold on... Years ago? It’s been years since then? What the.... well thanks for fucking filling us in, author! Wow was the writer of ‘Father’ this guy’s understudy or something?

They were too precious to risk, despite the emotional comfort they provided. He kept their existence to himself.
In that, he was lost. He had no idea how to relate.

Essel: As refreshingly believable as this is given the subject matter, what happened to all the crap about Shinji making friends and leading a pack of other weirdos?

Luc: Well, Essel, the answer is probably somewhere in Shinji’s closet, where an odd stench has been present for several weeks now...

Shinji's little crush was a girl taller than him, and so delicate she looked like made of flowers. He felt himself hesitating every time he even gets close to her. Though he was smaller he feared as if his slightest touch could damage her somehow.

Seele: A phrasing so clunky it looked like made of cliche.

Luc: Little did our hero know that she actually was a flower who had attained Buddha-consciousness and chosen human form!

"Shinji?" her opinion of him. "That little weirdo? I don't know, he kinda creeps me out. Always just standing somewhere, staring into the strangest things. I saw him stare at those for like, almost an hour."

Luc: “And sometimes he talks to his pencil sharpener when he thinks no one’s looking and calls it a Space Marine. What the hell?”

"Eeh, Minase-chan? So you WERE looking…" was the reply of another girl, her voice peevish.
"Oh, just drop it, Acchan. Why are you asking me? I don't care."

Essel: Why is she asking her?

Lucretius: Because the entire world revolves around Shinji in this story, just like the inn does around Keitaro in Love Hina.

It was just by accident he overheard. He would swear! He was just walking along the bush. It wasn't stalking!

Seele: Is Shinji trying to convince us himself, or did the narrator just get really excited about this?

Luc: I think this is the author’s attempt at free indirect discourse, but given that this version of Shinji is obviously a self-insert character, it’s kinda hard to tell.

Fortunately he was indeed very good being unnoticeable when he needed to be. Like his father he was prone to possessiveness, and now he had found a new target.

Seele: Oh. So he was stalking. … Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. Truly embodying the spirit of the noble Space Marine or whatever. Or maybe he’s a Tyranid today. Whatever he is he’s certainly ‘otherkin’ material...

"What should I do?" He paced the room and asked himself. He looked at the figures at his desk and as his gaze rested on each of them could almost hear the Warboss say… 'I dunno', the Space Marine '…have courage', and the Chaos Marine '… you're… actually asking… ME?'

Seele: Oh god no it’s going to become a take on The Indian in the Cupboard! Run for your lives, readers! Or rather, in other news, his insanity deepens and spreads further and further...

Honsou: Good thing he didn’t ask the Daemonette...that would've gotten awkward real quick.

Luc: Are we sure that this is a crossover with Warhammer 40K and not A Beautiful Mind?

He picked up the Farseer. "You're a girl. What should I do?"
'Shinji, I'm speaking only as a figment of your imagination.' her voice was almost at his head. 'how do you seriously expect me to solve your problems?'
"Aah!" he began to spin around. 'What should I do?'
Learning about the school band was a fortunate turn of events.

Seele: Well that last sentence certainly followed the others smoothly. Perfect for a scene break too, if only there was a trombone ‘waa waa waaaaaa’ to go with it.

Luc: It’s kinda hard to tell when the author is attempting humor, since the rest of the story is so poker-faced in its insanity.

=][=
He had his cello. He had a manual, and later his guardians would find him a teacher. In the meantime, he put his stick to rest at a string and filled his head with illusions of how he'd show her his skill in music, at how they would create music combining and completing each other…
He slid it against that string and killed his eardrums.
"Aaaagh!" he screamed. It was horrible! It was impossible! She would hate him! Hate him utterly!

Essel: She would? We’ve barely even met her yet and she’s already showing more sense than anyone else in this story... I for one am feeling like I’m going to be a big fan of this Minase whoever.

He turned to the Space Marine at his desk. "Don't look at me like that. All right, I'm not giving in to despair! I gave my word of honor!" And to the Chaos Marine up on the shelf. "So you can just stop celebrating right there!"

Shinji could not really talk about it to his guardians, and so turned to the only companions he knew he could completely trust.

Essel: Nick@Nite’s The Jeffersons? … Oh. Right. The dolls.

Luc: Did I ever tell you about the boy who taught his Space Marine figurine to talk? Shinji was a lonely boy, you dig, and he got hooked on Warhammer real young. He would take his Space Marine everywhere with him and talk to it when no one was looking; he’d role play both sides of the conversation, using a deep, gruff voice for the figurine.

Eventually, the Space Marine started talking on its own. It spoke in short sentences at first, but eventually it wouldn’t shut up. When Shinji took it to school with him, it would start shouting and saying it wanted equal rights. It would get drunk, too, and have crying jags saying no one loved it.

One day, Shinji woke up after sleeping with the Space Marine in his hand, like usual, and found the figurine was welded to his hand with a kind of transparent jelly. After that day, the Space Marine was the one controlling his body, you dig? His nerve connections atrophied so the brain couldn’t give orders anymore. It was trapped in the skull, sealed off. For a while you could see the silent, helpless suffering of the brain behind the eyes, then finally the brain must have died, because the eyes went out, and there was no more feeling in them than a crab’s eyes on the end of a stalk.

Seele: I dig.

Essel: Ehh... inserting that whole story there kind of killed the flow, don’t you think?

Luc: B-but...

Seele: I like the idea of a long, pointless story!

Essel: Well, you’ve come to the right place. Now where were we?

His old friend the Warboss was an asexual being, and could only offer advice about 'Stop overfinkin' and go bash somefin'. A good dose of violence would let him forget ALL about this love foolishness. It's so puny humie of him.

Seele: Just what in the hell is going on here anymore? Puny humie? Is this the sort of lingo that passes for witty in the source material?

Honsou: It helps that orks are downright retarded.

"I AM a human." he retorted.
'Yous a bloddy ork inside-' The warboss seemed to shake. 'And don't you forge' dit. Wez got da blood to prove it!'

Luc: I’m not sure if the orks are supposed to be talking like 30s New York gangsters or stereotypical “darkies” in a minstrel show, but this is pretty terrible either way.

The boy sighed and lay back on his bed. "She's never going to like a creepy, violent crazy weirdo like me…"

Seele: Chin up, kid. You’re bound to turn her that way in no time.

Essel: Didn’t the narration make a point earlier in the chapter that playing fantasy tabletop games was supposed to be turning Shinji “normal”? I’m not sure if “violent, crazy weirdo” usually qualifies under that...

The Space Marine continued to stare. 'This uncertainty is unworthy of you.' He seemed to say. 'Remember that doubt is for the dying.'
'I agree!' an imagined voice that was harsher, even less forgiving than a Space Marine's put in. 'To lie to oneself is the first step into lying to others! Guard your thoughts, boy. For such thoughts lead to Chaos!'

Seele: Anyone here see Welcome to the NHK? Remember Satou talking to all his furniture and kitchen appliances? You know what.. that’s what’s happening here. Shinji is headed straight to becoming a hikikomori NEET.

Luc: Which is apparently TV Tropes’ definition of “badass,” if their page on this story is to be taken at face value.

Seele: They know how to take things at other than face value?

"Oh, Commissar-san!" Shinji noticed one of the regimental Commissars by the flowerpot. He was orderly except for one thing, he was apt to pick up his figurines and absent-mindedly place them back down one he has finished a 'conversation'. That was the likely reason they were always all over the place.

Seele: Oh yes I can totally see why this character is often lauded as some sort of improvement. A psychotic moron talking to his dolls, picking them up to his face and having in depth conversation.

Luc: To be fair, this is probably how Anno is when he’s alone with his shed full of Ultraman merchandise.

"Thanks. That really cheered me up."
'Yes… sure…' ground out the Thousand Son over at the shelf. 'Gang up on me. I have NOTHING to do with his thoughts, though I follow the Gods of Chaos, even I find such whining disgusting. Why do you think we send so many cultists out as meat shields? We will not suffer even such emos in OUR presence.'

Honsou: Really, a Thousand Son’s sorcerer is using the word “emos”? They also rarely use cultist...SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS

Luc: Apparently in the author’s mind (this is Shinji’s internal dialogue, but who are we kidding here), showing the slightest degree of vulnerability makes one an “emo” unworthy of life. Pretty ironic considering that in meatspace, Charles Bhepin is probably the pallid kind of basement dweller who lists commercials for Levi’s Jeans on the TV Tropes page for High Octane Nightmare Fuel.

He was still confused, however. He was almost half-asleep when he heard a commanding female voice say 'To look too far into the future leads to madness. To Hope is to be Disappointed. If you must plan, Shinji, then you must define your goal and choose the paths that will lead to it. Choose the best future nearest, and see only that future. Do the steps that will lead you to that. Then the next simple outcome. And the next. Only then will you find that which you seek.'

Seele: ‘If you, like, want things, and you don’t get them, then... you know, that’s a bummer. So the thing to do is like not want stuff, then it’ll all come out cool dude’

He turned and saw a skirted figure near his head. "What do you mean, Farseer-sensei?"
The other figurines made outraged noises at that suffix of respect, and various warnings about never trusting an Eldar.

Seele: Is this basically going to be impossible to comment on without a knowledge of the 40k source material?

Honsou: That’s why I’m here!

Seele: Hmm. Well since this story clearly has nothing to do with Evangelion, why am I here?

Chaos, self-recognizing as evil and misleading, was even the loudest at it. Shinji could almost feel her pride. His eyelids were heavy, and through his wavering vision he could almost certainly see her turning her head and lowering her arm from its salute with a sword. The Eldar placed her hands to her hips as Shinji began to cross that boundary between sleep and wakefulness.

Luc: Shinji and Warhammer 40K: the cure for insomnia.

'Time is planning, Shinji. Many believe that the future is what you make of it. You mon-keigh are determined to force fate to your whims.'

Honsou: Yes, the woman who can freely see the future and acts based on visions which she knows will have an impact hundreds of years into the future is saying this... UGH

She radiated amusement. 'Only we Eldar see that the future is already set. The future only calls for events to be altered to suit itself. It is the present that is malleable, never the future. Do you want me to teach you?'

Honsou: Except that you look into the future to make sure that future is different all the fucking time...

Seele: The story itself spelled out Shinji saying earlier that he can’t be told anything by them that he doesn’t already know, right? Right? So how can he be taught...

'Eldar witch!' the Space Marine spat. 'I will not have him as your pawn!' The others made similar statements.

Seele: ‘Yeah he’s all of our pawn! Share and share alike!’

Luc: “I guess it’s okay if he’s a rook or one of those little horsey guys, though...”

'Silence! He is not your Emperor's! Not yet! I will not have his blood spilled just like any other meaningless fighter in a meaningless Waaagh!

Honsou: Wait wait, so the Farseer wants to keep Shinji from the Emperor so he will not succumb to a Waaagh....I could probably write a book on how wrong that is.

I will not have his beautiful soul consumed in Chaos! I WILL GIVE HIM WHAT NONE OF YOU CAN GIVE HIM!' She turned to him and spoke softly. His eyes already shut, Shinji could pretend freely he felt the barest of pressure on his nose, like a tiny hand pressed upon it.

Seele: Okay so he is imagining it all and he knows he is. This is an incredibly, incredibly confusing way to structure a scene... I’d make a Herman’s Head reference but I don’t think anyone else saw Herman’s Head.

Honsou: This is going to get freaky isn’t it?

'I will give him a Choice. He will know just why it is he so willingly walks into Hell.' said the Farseer. 'I will give you a mind forever voyaging, Shinji. Will you accept me as your teacher?'
"S-sure, Farseer-sensei…" the boy mumbled in his sleep.

Seele: ‘Will you follow me into the gates of hell, forever voyaging?’ ‘Okie dokie.’ Yes, I think it’s going to get freaky to say the least...

=][=
The Farseer stood over him, her cloak billowing in the breeze. The world was mist, dense, endless. She stood tall and proud, her armor the fruit of thousands of years of expertise. Her facemask looked even more severe, more disapproving than a Space Marine's. That only made them look Angry, All The Time. The Eldar's pointed chin and frown made him feel his insignificant years.

Seele: And we are officially in la-la land.

Luc: Are pointy chins indicative of age and wisdom in the Warhammer universe?

Maybe it was a bad idea. He knew full well he was dreaming, and even there he felt in complete lack of control. What was a boy to an Eldar, a person thousands of years old, even if it was one he imagined into being?

Seele: … and this is never going to have anything to do with Eva, is it... ….

Luc: That’s the show with the purple robot, right? :)

The Farseer reached into the back of her helmet, and unlatched it. Unseen seams came apart with a hiss. She pulled up a bit, and removed her helmet to the front. As her face revealed itself, with one last flick away from its darkly discouraging mask, Shinji felt his heart stop.

Seele: So long as it isn’t some deranged white twisted penis head Rei face I think we’ll all be alright.

There were illustrations, but they simply did not do her person any justice.

Seele: Deviantart was, as always, nothing but a bed of lies.

She was an Eldar, pointy-eared and arrogant in the supposed perfection of her Race. Three thin red lines were marking the sides of her face, from eyes to chin, as if she had been crying blood. Her lips were as red, as if she'd been drinking blood. Her skin was smooth and seemingly glowing with (--)

Seele, interrupting: With what, with blood? Was it glowing with blood?! Tell me it was blood...

(--) an inner light, such was its silken fineness.

Seele: .. well, poopie.

Honsou: What the hell is up with that whole description? So far the author has gone with very traditional 40k factions within the races. Now he goes and makes up a fucking craftworld?

Luc: Shinji awoke to discover that he had been humping one of his aunt’s silk throw pillows all night long.

It was there Shinji recognized why he found Minase attractive. Her delicate, regal features was the closest to living Eldar he had ever seen.

Seele: I would love to see him tell her this at school tomorrow.

The Farseer smiled. It was an unnaturally beautiful, frighteningly serene smile. "Shinji…" she said, her lips barely moving. "Clear your mind."
"…what?"

Seele: ...and the excruciatingly dull and drawn out meditation scene begins. Get your coffee, people..

"The mind is full of noise, going hither and thither. The mind is a spoiled child. It is without order, without structure. The mind is a journey. Is it freedom to just let the wind and waves take you? To let yourself drift wherever it might take you on its whim? Is to take the helm taking away from that freedom?

Lucretius: At this point, our corporate sponsors would like us to remind you to check out our epic crossover fic, Shinji and Domino’s Pizza®, available on ff.net--and now with its own Tropes page!

Freedom, is choice. This has always been the gift of the Eldar. To be able to decide where and when you want to go. To take that future, and only that future you want. You must clear your mind, if we are to begin."

Luc: This might be the most neck-beardy thing we’ve ever riffed. You can almost smell the scent of stale cheetos and belly semen filling the air like the shrieks of the Furies in blackest Dis.

She sat cross-legged on the imaginary ground, a wind helpfully setting her cloak out of the way as she sat. It was a standard meditative seat. "Shinji, please sit."

Seele: A gust of wind helpfully sent Shinji careening face first into the imaginary ground, which was now conveniently imaginary mud. Then she laughed.

Luc: Please tell me this doesn’t lead into Shinji’s first wet dream.

The boy nodded and complied. He looked at her for a while, so deathly still, so artistically perfect. A comparison to a spider would have been easy, as she was wearing black and bone-white. Shinji could not compare her to any creature, she was just as moonlight to him. Cold, but at the same time elegant light, hiding flaws, enhancing grace, holding secrets.

Seele: You know what might be interesting to hear described in such detail and/or revenance? Any single thing in, or aspect of, the actual Evangelion franchise. Because let me tell you, aside from the name ‘Shinji Ikari’ being used for next to no apparent reason, this story is miles away from being even a crossover yet. I suppose the Second Impact fetishization early on might count in some eyes, but that was forever ago already and seems at this point just to have been there to lure in Eva fans to stick with the rest of this utter drivel and nonsense.

Luc: For those of you still bearing with us, here’s a picture of a shirtless Jon Hamm to take your mind off the pain of reading this story:

She opened her left eye and slightly quirked her lips.
Shinji turned red and quickly shut his eyes. "Clear the mind… clear the mind…" he muttered. She was right! It IS full of noise.

Seele: This story is sure as hell full of noise.

Luc: Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Everything it seemed passed through the forefront of his thoughts. It didn't help that he had completely memorized all the codices, every angle he could view the miniatures, the sketches, the novels.

Seele: Yes, even trying as hard as he could to clear his mind, all Shinji could think about was the 40k universe.

Honsou: if he memorized the codices he would've gotten the fucking fluff right!

Everything there, and constantly churned over in his mind, was what made him capable of recreating the personalities of fictional beings so thoroughly.

Seele: His perfect and complete memory of all minutiae from a single franchise is what allowed him to create other distinct things. Or not.

Essel: Yeah, I’ve got to call bullshit too. The similarly unhealthy obsessions that likely led to the creation of this agonizingly long crossover fic definitely didn’t enhance any of the author’s abilities, or we wouldn’t be here.

He began to frown. He began to sweat.
"Aaah! This is harder than it looks!" he had to say. It's unfair that the Eldar could do it so easily. Eldar seemed always at peace with themselves, without the internal struggle of the mon-keigh. It was a point of irritation that the closest thing to it was the simple crude mind, never without any insecurities, of an Ork.

Luc: Later that year, young Shinji would finally get around to watching James Cameron’s Avatar and commit ritual suicide upon realizing that colorless reality could never live up to the wonders of Pandora.

"I would have been surprised if you succeeded in your first try, Shinji." She lifted her right hand and held it palm down in front of her. She then had moved it about in gentle, swaying motions.

Kanon Girl: Uguu, Yuichi, let’s try to catch the first snowfall of the season on our tongues!~~~

Luc: GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE

"The mind is like a butterfly. You can see it resting on a flower, but it leaves. It goes where it will. But it comes back to that flower again.

Luc: This story is like a slimy, half-matured pupa twitching and writhing in its cocoon.

Seele: Well the plot is certainly like a butterfly here...

Essel: You mean how it flew off somewhere a few hundred paragraphs ago and never came back?

It is perfectly all right to let the mind wander. As long as it returns. Then, the mind may be taught to remain. All life, is suffering, Shinji. All suffering, is in the mind. Only in the mind can one become free. Take your time, Shinji. Time is meaningless here. We can take as long as what proves necessary."

Seele: Plinkett put it better. “Lemme share some real wisdom with you. Chicken leads to egg. Egg leads to omelet. Omelet leads to fecal urgency.”

"Won't I just forget when I wake up?" He began to think of a butterfly. Come on butterfly, don't move. Don't move. Ah! No… bad butterfly! "This is a dream, right?"
"It is a dream, true. But a mind in control does NOT lose control. To wake is not to disappear. To wake, is simply to BE, to exert even greater awareness of the mind, as connected to body."

Luc: I haven’t seen zen wisdom this insightful since The Legend of Bagger Vance.

Seele: Oh god the Farseer is the Ultimate Warrior, isn’t she.... come on Shinji, get foked! Harness the destrucity!

Honsou: No, actually this is the 40k version of the Ultimate Warrior:
http://planetasymazmorras.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/kharn2minioi1.jpg

Seele: ...oh.. well.

Eventually, Shinji realized that forcing the butterfly to remain still actually encouraged it to fly away. The butterfly, if left alone, will choose to return to the flower. It would flitter away, then return. Away and back again. By ignoring it, Shinji knew that he actually found the stillness he was looking for. Motion in stillness. Stillness in motion.

Luc: In an earlier century, Charles Bhepin-- I mean Shinji-- might have become an anchorite and recorded his mystical encounters with the divine. In the 21st century, however, he has turned to the consumption of popular culture in the absence of any grand narrative that might give his life meaning. Warhammer has taken the place of a religion or a political ideology.

Seele: ….

Luc: What I’m saying here is that Charles Bhepin is probably a serial killer.

Seele: Ohhhh.

Time was indeed meaningless. It could have been minutes, or hours, or hundreds of years before he came to that conclusion. Eons more as he learned to be satisfied with it. That damn butterfly's never going to just stop at the flower. To fly IS the natural state of the butterfly. The flower's natural state IS to provide a place for a butterfly to rest.

Seele: Wordcount was meaningless. Grammar inconsequential. Storytelling wasn’t of import. All that could be seen was flowery, empty language signifying nothing. Yes. It is clear to me now.

Luc: Oh fuck this. I’m going outside for a smoke.

Mojo Jojo: MOJO JOJO TAKE NO MORE OF THIS! MOJO JOJO DESTROY!!

Essel: What the hell? Who let him back in here?!

Seele: Is that even how he talked? We really should try to stay true to charact-- (is taken out back and smashed with a hammer)

Essel: Luc! CLOSE THE DOOR!

"You're teaching me patience, aren't you?" he said after some time. "A clear mind doesn't equal an empty mind. Only that it knows."
"Very good, Shinji. We Eldar meditate to bring out knowledge that we have always known. You have always known this." She stroked at his mind and had him open his eyes. "Now, come sit with me, and we shall learn how to apply it."

Seele: I have always known this story. It is all that I have known. This is the story from which my existence flowered, it is a return to my roots to observe it again. This is what I have been waiting for. This is where I have been heading. I will now learn how to apply my life to it. And it to my life. For there is no difference between the two.

Shinji scooted closer and prepared to enter a meditative state again. The Farseer stopped him. "No, I said sit with me."
"Um, so, closer then? Should I sit to the left or right?"
The Farseer patted her crossed shins, and motioned the boy to sit on her lap. Shinji just knew his face was flaming, but the Eldar still had her eyes closed and seemed unconcerned. Reminding himself that it was all just in the imagination, he complied.
She laid her chin right over his head, her long black hair flowing like dark rain to either side of him. She grabbed his hands under her gloves and crossed them over his chest in much the same way Pharaohs would have rested. Needless to say, Shinji had a vastly more difficult time at achieving meditative serenity.

Luc: Nothing says “erotic” like the three-thousand-year-old dessicated corpse of an Egyptian pharaoh. Shinji’s wet dreams are broadcast in a deep shade of purple.

Seele: Maybe he could die right now though, at least it’d be over. Or he’d wake up. Either way the scene would just end.

"The future… to reach for it, one must first define your goals. What do you want, Shinji?"
"Want…? I want Minase to like me!"
The Farseer hmm'ed. He could feel the vibrations passing through the chestplate and into his back, going deep and prickling into his spine. "Vague." she said. "That is not a goal, not even an idea. A future must be specific for it to happen."

Luc: Shinji frowned contemplatively. “I want to move my phallus in and out of her vaginal opening until I achieve climax.”

He closed his eyes again and reached for that timeless calm. "Specific, huh? I want Minase to SAY she likes me."
"Like you? In what way? Or for what?"
"Um, just LIKES me, I guess. I want her to say someday, Shinji I like you…" Wait. He could feel himself drifting. The was muddying the vision. "No… I want her to like my music. She can like me later."

Luc: “My ego must be carefully stroked before I can even begin to relate to her as a human being.”

Seele: ‘I want her to like me as a bagel! And I want her to say I’m very tasty and filling!’

And then, it suddenly came all tumbling into his brain. It was all so obvious, in retrospect. He gasped.

Luc: “It was so obvious! It had been Lord Willmore in the pantry with the candlestick all along.”

A myriad of possible futures, given what he already know of his classmates, his teachers, his classroom, and what they might be doing. What he had imagined, was hope. It was wish. What the Eldar had were a burden. The future was no mere fantasy. It was a series of specific events happening at specific points in time made by specific people. There is no 'might be'. There was only 'will be' or 'will not be'. An event once past cannot be undone. It only reduces it further, the choices available to it, closer and closer to one eventuality.

Luc: Oh shut the fuck up, Yoda.

Seele: I think I remember this lady as a recurring guest on Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell...

He can't predict Minase's movements or her opinions. He can mold events however, to arrive at a specific scenario at a specific time. But to lock on to that ideal would be to ensure it would never happen.
It was an odd paradox.
But there was a way out…
"What future do you reach for, young Mon-keigh?"
"I reach for no future, ancient Eldar. I see it, and it will come to me."
The Farseer kissed the top of his head. "And thus you have taken the first step in a winding road once traveled by the Eldar."

Luc: Are the Eldar the ones with the pointy ears, or the ones with the forehead bumps?

Honsou: So Shinji is going to have his soul eaten by Slaanesh, good to know!

Seele: Shinji is Neo, and he has seen the matrix code....

=][=
Shinji taught himself how to plan ahead. He drew a line in the sand and took a leaf. He held it above the line and felt the Farseer ask. 'Now, which way will it fall? The right or the left?'
"Left." he decided.
He let go of the leaf. It drifted slowly down, twisting over in mid-air now and then. It landed to the left.

Luc: Shinji’s learning to plan ahead? At this rate, he might even be able to grasp object permanence before long.

Seele: Is the dream sequence from hell finally over? Are we free of this insanity? Are we ever going to join the Eva setting we know?

No way! He had really, really focused on-
'Do not hope, Shinji. The future is not built on hope.' she admonished soundly. 'An object does not move through time. It is time that flows around an object. The leaf, the wind, even you, and here only you can make the choice and only you can create the future that you desire.'

Seele: Oh god no! Just when I think we’re out they keep pulling us right back in!

Luc: Little Marcel has finally understood the nature of time. This is the worst Proust fanfic ever.

Shinji picked up the leaf and held it up again, this time much closer to the ground over the left side. "It will fall to the left." And so it did.
'What have you done, Shinji?'
"I saw the future I wanted, and knew the steps that would have it happen. This was the simplest I saw."
'Well done. May your sight serve you well in the days ahead.'

Luc: Well, I suppose it could’ve been worse. Shinji’s worldview and perception of time could’ve been shaped by the hat and boot playing pieces from Monopoly.

Seele: Now that’s a crossover that actually sounds interesting, Luc.

People, because they made choices, were simpler to predict. It is unknown when Gendo himself learned this, but Shinji for all intents and purposes, taught this realization to himself. Information was needed to craft a scenario, for the future was a series of steps, each of which built upon each other, reinforcing each other, until finally there was no choice but to arrive at that outcome.

Luc: Is this the part where Shinji decides to become a time-themed super villain called The Watchmaker and makes a cape out of his aunt’s heirloom quilt?

Essel: Wait, what? Wouldn’t making choices actually make people a lot harder to predict? Because each choice they make would potentially take them further and further from his expected outcome? Shinji, or rather the author, must be operating under a very unorthodox definition of the word “choice” here.

Shinji visualized a future in which his teacher would arrive and say "Sorry class, I… overslept."

Luc: Does this future have rocket-powered skateboards? That’d be pretty rad. :O

Seele: I’m envisioning a future where everyone who’s liked this story says “Sorry, internet. We were wrong, it fucking sucks.”

=][=
It was just a day after getting his cello. He did so by simply asking his teacher "Hisoka-sensei, why don't we just use China for farming? They've got plenty of space over there that they don't need, and we… we don't have enough people anymore."

Luc: WIR BRAUCHEN LEBENSRAUM!

Seele: Ooookay so... hold on a second here. He went to the Farseer interested in getting the Minase girl to like him. So after all that, that huge sequence, now we’re... going to focus on his teacher. And China.

"Um… shouldn't you be asking that to your Social Studies teacher?"
Shinji dropped his eyes. "I'm sorry, I just had to ask someone…" He backed away and ran out of the classroom before his English teacher could say anything more.
And because he couldn't say anything so Shinji, had to say it to himself. It got stuck in his mind as he went home. The boy watched him go. Shinji knew that Hisoka-sensei lived in a small old home with a multi-generational family.

Luc: And thus, Shogun Ikari I’s plan for world domination was hatched on that fateful day.

Seele: So now he’s stalking his teacher? What the hell does it matter what his teacher thinks about China? Or what his home is like? Did we miss an entire segment of the story somewhere?

And he just knew that he would blurt it out to his wife, as he thought things over on the way home. And also somehow he just knew, that Hisoka-sensei's wife would bring it up over the dinner table. And he could see, though the faces were blurry, Hisoka-sensei's brother saying how stupid it would be, hadn't they learned from history? The father would just shout out to shoot the bastards. All that land, and they wasted it, most of their population died of starvation, not the rising seas. Supply and demand worked like that. Manchuria was warmer now.

Luc: So, Warhammer has made Shinji into a master of deductive reasoning comparable to Sherlock Holmes at his most improbably omniscient? Sure, why not.

Seele: Grade school kids love to convince themselves that they’re brilliant like this. It’s how Atlas Shrugged still gets sales.

Essel: I’m not sure if I’m more baffled by the sudden shift to this in the middle of the story or by Shinji’s unfounded expectation that his teacher is going to give any credence to a random observation Shinji blurted out before literally running out of the room for some reason.

But the Chinese might still have (more than a few) nukes stashed away! It would not be wise to rely too much on foreign assets. Even if they buy it, someone else could just take it.
And so do we! Though to be precise, N2 warheads, almost the same anyway. They had the will and ability to preserve their rights. Damn it, he had enough of being forced to feel guilty.
And Hisoka-sensei would have sat there, as his stronger-willed family got to shouting and debating. Each time he opened his mouth to speak, his father or his brother would say something scathing to each other. His wife would just pat at his hand and give him a look that said 'yours is the only word that I trust'.
He would kiss her that night, but try as he might, he would not be able to go to sleep or concentrate on much anything else.

Luc: And as a result of Shinji’s Machiavellian manipulation, his teacher died in a gruesome car accident the next day when he nodded off in a turn lane.

Seele: Again I ask, what does it matter if some gradeschool teacher thinks a certain way about the Chinese land situation? Is Shinji just retarded or is this his way of testing his newfound ‘powers’ or something? I cannot believe this story has managed to alienate me even further than it already had.

=][=
The next day, he did arrive late, his clothes crumpled with hurry. His eyes were bloodshot and weary. "Sorry, class…" he started to say. "You overslept, Hisoka-sensei?" Shinji said suddenly. "It's okay."
The teacher laughed weakly. "Yeah, sorry class. I overslept. People do that from time to time."
The children nodded, forgiving him instantly. They never wanted to get up early either. Until then, they just assumed adults did so because they wanted to, but even they were human. They paid a little bit more attention in class that day.

Luc: Since I can’t think of anything amusing to say about a passage this bland, I think it’s worth repeating here what Charles Bhepin has said about his own work: “WH40K can make anything Awesome. Even one of, if not the, most whiny, pathetic spineless wusses in fiction. This is my creed. The Emperor's hand guides all.”

Because no protagonist is worth reading about if he has any flaws whatsoever, and anyone with a Y chromosome who doesn’t live up to some bullshit Marlboro man fantasy of masculinity is contemptible scum.

Shinji caught him again by the end of the day. He felt guilty and just had to give him back his nights.
"Oh, hello, Shinji, about what you said…"
"I'm sorry to be bother, sensei. But I just thought, we don't NEED to go to China after all. We can use their land without taking it from them. That's selfish and bad. Can't we ask for help somewhere else?"

Luc: “Well, we could build a spaceship and conquer the Jovians...”

Essel: Oh god, you’re kidding me. Shinji wasn’t just being delusional, then? The teacher is really losing sleep over this, because Shinji’s achieved a brilliant power of observation that captivated his teacher’s curiosity and then perfectly predicted his every action. From talking to his toys.

Seele: Anyone else remember kids like this in class, that actually thought getting into a disruptive conversation with their teacher was going to change the world or the way things were done? Kid, he’s just trying to do his job and could we please get back to the Minase and band stuff? Or the boardgame. The Farseer, I miss the Farseer even!

Essel: Maybe that’s the real reason for this passage’s inclusion. It’s to make us yearn for the other, moderately less unintelligible parts of the story.

The teacher's eyes widened. "Yes… that's what I thought too. We can just lease it from them. They provide the land, we provide the seedlings, the technology and the expertise. Yes, but the history between us is just too deep. But that approach to America, now that's different! It might be farther away, but they actually have the military power to protect their convoys. There would be less deliberate deal-breaking or lapses in piracy protection." He stared down at the little boy. "That was surprisingly deep of you, Shinji."
"Um… sensei? You said all that stuff."

Luc: Cue sitcom laughtrack.

Seele: The ninth circle of hell is this story trying to peddle some sort of philosophy and thinking of itself as so witty for doing so.

"Uh. Right. I guess I did." He began to laugh again, at seeing his own ridiculous attention to the question… "But such thoughts you have. You should apply yourself more to schoolwork, Shinji. You're wasting your potential."
"T-thank you, sensei. I better be going now…"
The next day, Hisoka-sensei showed up early, smiling and well-rested.

Luc: Shinji soon decided to turn his skill at manipulation to bigger projects, starting a nuclear war between India and Pakistan for the hell of it.

=][=
Shinji had the better part of two months to be at ease, if not proficient, with cello to make the band. It was certain he could improve more, as the whole point of the club was to offer additional instruction, but he didn't want his first appearance there to show him useless.
The first part was not to be ignored.

Luc: Once again, this story would make a great deal more sense if Shinji and Asuka were switched at birth.

Seele: I told you.

He didn't care about being noticed. He didn't care about the common interests. First, he must elevate the level of attention. There was nothing about him known, no true opinions formed. Only through his presenting what was expected could he reliably guess at anyone's reaction towards him.

Luc: This story is written with an Aspie’s intuitive grasp of