Evangelion: Time of new Hymns

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Blockio
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Evangelion: Time of new Hymns

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Postby Blockio » Sat May 19, 2018 6:17 pm

After weeks of silently procrastinating and not actually writing anything, I managed to get myself to work and actually post my first ever fic.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12941454
Enjoy, I guess (I dont really know what to write here, so I will just cut myself short)

I am more than happy about feedback!
Why don't you save the Princess next time instead of being such a baby? She would love it and maybe you could get a sweet kiss. ~ sadly not Mari in Q (Joseki)

What about titty-ten? ~ Reichu

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Re: Evangelion: Time of new Hymns

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Postby Blockio » Sat Jun 02, 2018 8:11 pm

Chapter 2 is now out (still no idea what to write here, so that will have to do for now)
Why don't you save the Princess next time instead of being such a baby? She would love it and maybe you could get a sweet kiss. ~ sadly not Mari in Q (Joseki)

What about titty-ten? ~ Reichu

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Re: Evangelion: Time of new Hymns

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Postby Neepa » Sun Jun 03, 2018 3:27 pm

Did read it and there is some room for improvement.

First of all spacing. Instead of one block of text cut it apart with empty lines inbetween. Makes following the text easier and you can even emphasize who speaks, what happens or location changes.
Especially speech should be given its complete own lines.

Also when you have speech inbetween text that describes characters in that moment or their action order it in the order it happens.

Rei replied in her seemingly emotionless voice, before heading back into Cage 11: "Yes, commander Ikari."
Capitalize ranks or designations of characters other characters may use instead of their real name. Asuka would say "Commander Asshole!" (just an example) These serve then as a variety of their name to broaden the choice of words. It also makes the character spoken about stand out from the text when you capitalize names/designations. (I also capitalize "Cage" as it is a unique term in NGE or "Pilot" as their meaning is larger than what they describe.)
Reading about actions and then reading the done action of a character becomes tiresome (at least for me).

Rei replied in her seemingly emotionsless voice "Yes, Commander Ikari." and headed back into Cage 11. (or: ....heading back to cage 11.)

I know this is complex and difficult, but well worth it as the whole fic becomes much more enjoyable to read. Not being a Bitch here but some advice you better implement from the get-go before it becomes behaviour you loose only with very hard work.

PS: And now I forgot to even comment on the rest....

So you are retelling NGE (kinda)hmmm... There needs to be twist somewhere. So far you have written what actually happens before NGE.
Aside from the structuring nothing wrong with it. Inclined to read more.

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Re: Evangelion: Time of new Hymns

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Postby Blockio » Sun Jun 10, 2018 10:19 am

View Original PostNeepa wrote:First of all spacing. Instead of one block of text cut it apart with empty lines inbetween. Makes following the text easier and you can even emphasize who speaks, what happens or location changes.
Especially speech should be given its complete own lines.

Also when you have speech inbetween text that describes characters in that moment or their action order it in the order it happens.

Rei replied in her seemingly emotionless voice, before heading back into Cage 11: "Yes, commander Ikari."

I fear I dont quite get what you mean by those :headscratch: -o-;

Capitalize ranks or designations of characters other characters may use instead of their real name. Asuka would say "Commander Asshole!" (just an example) These serve then as a variety of their name to broaden the choice of words. It also makes the character spoken about stand out from the text when you capitalize names/designations. (I also capitalize "Cage" as it is a unique term in NGE or "Pilot" as their meaning is larger than what they describe.)

Good catch, thank you! I definitely need to do that.

I know this is complex and difficult, but well worth it as the whole fic becomes much more enjoyable to read. Not being a Bitch here but some advice you better implement from the get-go before it becomes behaviour you loose only with very hard work.

No worries, I am more than glad about any sort of constructive criticism

So you are retelling NGE (kinda)hmmm... There needs to be twist somewhere. So far you have written what actually happens before NGE.

The first three chapters are a prequel of sorts, Chapter 4 is where the events of the series start.
As for the twist, unless I completely abandon my script, the "big" twist will happen somewhere in the middle section, with everything previous being groundwork for later events.

Aside from the structuring nothing wrong with it. Inclined to read more.

Thank you!
Why don't you save the Princess next time instead of being such a baby? She would love it and maybe you could get a sweet kiss. ~ sadly not Mari in Q (Joseki)

What about titty-ten? ~ Reichu

Neepa
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Re: Evangelion: Time of new Hymns

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Postby Neepa » Sun Jun 10, 2018 4:38 pm

SPOILER: Show
I fear I dont quite get what you mean by those :headscratch: -o-;


I meant you can steer the reader by making the structure of the text emphasizing changes in the characters, pov, location, perpsektive/introspektive.
Using blank lines alone creates a break in which you have to jump to the next line with your eyes. With that you give the reader a second to process what he read and you can jump somewhere else (see above) without actually telling him.
After this break the reader is able to take on a more foreign piece as the part he just read was sorted in his mind.

This creates a text that you can follow with a similar ease as a given speech. In speeches the orator also jumps from one point ot the other, but has to take care to not loose his audience.
That is what you could/should try. Arguably this adds a completely new layer of complexity to each chapter as you now have to take care of the reading flow of your audience.

Written dialogue should make clear by itself who speaks when. Exposition of the scene gives a perspective or PoV from where the reader can imagine the scene unfolding infront of his inner eye or in his mind. Changes in location you can also make "visible" by expostion and the dialogue itself, however this gets a bit repetitive. With the usage of blank lines to create sections and divide scenes, or even subdivide these further, you create a flow of consciousness for your reader that unfolds like an actual TV episode or a film. The reader will be chained to the progression of the text and will want read more and more. You can even mitigate blander scenes or parts with that.

Some would relegate this to writing style. I put it more towards the structuring of your text.
When you read your own text(do that relatively slow) simply try to imagine the text unfolding like a chain of events, that flow into each other.

My take on that.


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