Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Fri Feb 09, 2018 6:42 pm

View Original PostGryphon117 wrote:Okay, just finished reading the four chapters and the first thing I'll do is echo the issues some other posters had with the story: the beginning interactions between Shinji and Asuka ramp up way too fast, and the jumping between the scenes is mighty confusing sometimes, which isn't at all helped by the sheer mood whiplash some of them bring.


Yeah, I've edited chapter one numerous times trying to slow it down. Origianlly it had Asuka headbutting Shinji and then them holding hands(which was lemon tier bs in retrospect), then I took that out, then i finally ended with Asuka headbutting Shinji twice. I'm willing to edit episode 1 a 4th time, ur right about Shinji being overly optimistic. Then again, him trying to be overly oprtimistic is part of his character development in chapter 4.
My recommendation for the first point would be to just take things slow and develop them further, because you're honestly not in any rush. You mention Instrumentality opening the way for better understanding between Shinji and Asuka as a way of justifying them getting along so well, so quickly, but remember that Instrumentality is also a completely alien process, and that the sheer amount of information received and shared without the character's consent would make anyone confused. Putting their thoughts and feelings in order should be something that takes Shinji and Asuka quite a while to accomplish, days at the least. You can move forward from there.

Yeah, I'll take it more slowly. I rushed a bit as I wanted to get the characters ti a point where I could unleash new trauma on them for them to grow from. There's a lot of emotional trauma and devlopment I want them to undergo and deal with regarding the past. So I want them in a place where they're ready for it.

Could you elaborate on the "sheer mood whiplash" part?
The second point is more tricky, but I would ask you if you've thought of an outline for the whole story before starting to put pen to paper. It doesn't have to be anything overly extensive (a few general points for the most important sections of the story might suffice for a start) but, if you haven't, I recommend that you do so because it makes a world of difference towards managing to pull of an unified feeling in the plot.

Actually, the non linear chronology was an intentional storytelling choice. The idea was to make an illusion of "everything is better now!" Before shattering it with the whole nerf sent assassin and the metaphor of the dragon roaring. I was trying to mirror what NGE originally did with episode 2 by showing the scene directly after episode 1 after episode 2.


To make things clear, episode 3 starts with Asuka and Shinji waiting to see a phyciatrist we see in episode 4. While they wait they have a flashback to what happened directly after episode 1. The ending in episode 3 is an introduction for our villian, a cliffhanger to engage the reader. I felt switching up the order would add an interesting dynamic to the story and give more dramtic weight to what we see. But it seems to me, it's just confusing readers so I'll restrain myself more with how I play with chronology.


I'll make an outline for the next three episodes. I have an ending in mind, but I'm not sure how to get there.
Also, and as a sidenote, I found Shinji cheerfully claiming the whole 'We Saved the World' thing mighty perplexing. He is right, mind, but considering that he also pretty much pulled the trigger on humanity, I'd expect his thoughts on the matter to be a bit more ambivalent than they currently are. To doubt whether his actions were the correct ones, and such.
I'll edit episode 1 to be less optimistic regarding Shinji. I think the ending is fine, but Shinji shouldn't be smiling so much before that. He should get to the point when he decides it was okay to save the world. Or maybe I'll have Shinji question it, Asuka say she didn't mind saving the world(while headbutting), and Shinji smiling after saying "ow".
On the positives, I thought the scene between Asuka and Shinji under the tree in the Geofront was really good (albeit maybe a tad too early, as mentioned before). I'd personally go into some more details during the conversation, since it feels a bit rushed for such an important talk, but that may very well just be personal bias; same goes for the conversation in Asuka's bedroom.

Honestly, I'm not really good at writing long scenes of dialogue without losing the flow of my writing. I'll try to make the dialogue better.
As a last point, does the scene with Doctor Whatshisname serve any real purpose, right now? I was all kinds of confused with that one. :???:

The kids just had an assassination attempt from an organization that was supposed to be dissolved, hence Misato thought they should see a psychiatrist. The purpose is to include some humor to juxtapose the dramatic tension of what we see later in the episode. It also shows Shinji still dealing with the trauma. Felt that was important as the story before hand was obssessed with Asuka's trauma.
Last edited by Asuka'sBigBrother on Fri Feb 09, 2018 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Fri Feb 09, 2018 6:53 pm

View Original PostAdamMalkobitch wrote:I really enjoyed this, I couldn't help smiling while reading it. I've always been a sucker for sequels or spin-offs, even fanmade ones, that develop the characters more and explore things that were left unsaid and ambiguous in the original narrative. I only have a few issues.
Would you mind quoting a specific example? I'd like to see what kinds of passages i should lower the frequency of.


The middle of Episode 3 happens before episode 2, the point was to confuse the reader and give him a false sense of resolution before shattering it. The kids are having a flashback in episode 3 to what happened after episode 1. The "tree" was the object I was using as a transitory object betweem the present and past. I was hoping using the tree would allow me to avoid exposition, but it seems, I've just confused everyone.

TOO MUCH BAKA!


Baka is timeless, [i[baka[/i], there's never too much baka. :irked:


It's nerv nor nerf stoopid!

I shall edit this.

Also, I'm going to put a disclaimer in the OP about non linear chronology. I was hoping people, having watched NGE which it self uses this, would be able to spot it, but I'll put the readers on watch. I'm holding out hope people can figure it out and enjoy an enhanced reading experience. If people are still confused, I'll just make the order explicit in the op.
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Thu Feb 22, 2018 8:21 am

I just wanna
SPOILER: Show
B

SPOILER: Show
U

SPOILER: Show
M

SPOILER: Show
P

this

5th chapter is finished(the story is all on page 1). I've also revised chapter one and given minor edits to the chapters in between.

Read.

Give feedback.

Have Cream Soda.
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Gryphon117 » Tue Feb 27, 2018 1:14 pm

The bit about the omniscient narrator in the second(?) scene feels unnecessary. My personal opinion with breaking the fourth wall is that either you go all out with it and have it constantly pop up, or you don't. Throwing it in as a one-off joke does very little to improve the narration, I think; Limiting it to sidestory Omakes is also an option, too.

Other than that, my main gripe about the story feeling disjointed and more than a bit confusing is still around in this chapter. Like, there's enough information within the different scenes to create a fairly clear image of what's going on in each of them (although I'd personally set them up a little bit more), but the coherent whole of it all is missing. We keep jumping from here, to that, to a crazy scientist talking to a clone of Arael and Unit-02 and it's all... a mess. It doesn't make for very enjoyable reading.

Unless this is intentional and the way in which you want to tell the story, I'd recommend that you go back to the beginning and take things slow. Decide where you want to start, where you want to go and how you're going to go there. Flashbacks and shifts in the timeline are perfectly fine, but the reader should always be aware of where they are and who's participating in the scene, because otherwise it's just going to take them out of the story.
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Tue Feb 27, 2018 8:30 pm

I'll make the 4th wall thing a running gag.
View Original PostGryphon117 wrote:
Unless this is intentional and the way in which you want to tell the story,


It's all intentional. I was trying to juxtapose Asuka's character development with the inclusion of something threatening the opposite. I'm trying to develop all these subplots separately so I can make them all converge when we get closer to the climax.

If you're not finding it enjoyable tho...
to a crazy scientist

Yeh, a crazy scientist, just that, nothing else to see here...
:D

a clone of Arael and Unit-02

They're not clones...
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Glor » Wed Mar 07, 2018 10:55 pm

I think this could be really great.

I don't want to curb your enthusiasm for weaving and tying off this story, however, I believe it would be to your benefit if I commented on the lack of narrative flow in this work. There is the inkling of an excellent style here. One that's punchy, to the point and doesn't waste a whole lot of time accomplishing what it needs to. Still, there needs to be something between that. There needs to be a progression of thought between the ideas you lay out to move us from one scene to the next.

I understand you're trying to achieve something by changing the order of the sequence of events, but I'm really not sure what because there's very little to lead me along a coherent thought process so that I can experience the epiphanies you're trying to guide me to.

Again, I hope this observation doesn't discourage you - since this story is clearly something other people have been able to enjoy and see merit in.
Rite of Reclamation - an Evangelion/Halo fusion, check it out, is pretty neat.

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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Fri Mar 09, 2018 12:16 am

View Original PostGlor wrote:I think this could be really great.
I understand you're trying to achieve something by changing the order of the sequence of events, but I'm really not sure what because there's very little to lead me along a coherent thought process so that I can experience the epiphanies you're trying to guide me to.

Eh, I only change the order of events once at the start with a flashback in chapter 3, and a time sjip in chapter 2.(It's inspired by NGE episode 2). other than that,it's happening chronologically with some synctime/ I realize the subplots seem disconnected so I'll be connecting everything next chapter.

I'm trying to make exposition virtually non existent, but I'll need to spend more time making it clear what's happening via descriptions ect.

Thanks for the feedback!
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Tue Apr 03, 2018 8:17 pm

CHAPTER 6 IS OUT. Read, give feedback, don't get in a eva.
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Gryphon117 » Fri Apr 06, 2018 1:42 pm

Looks clearer and easier to understand than the previous chapters (from what I recall), but I'm afraid that I don't have any more feedback to offer that wouldn't repeat things I've said before. Still, kudos on the improvement.
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby PenPen4life » Mon Apr 30, 2018 1:28 am

Episode 7: INSIDE THE MIND
SPOILER: Show
The Case of Asuka Langley Soryu

A child walked towards her. Red hair was parted symmetrically by two beads. A dress spread around her little legs. A monkey held in her arms, stuffed.

“Welcome back,” the child smiled, “Asuka.”
“I’m not the same girl you remember.”
“You look the same to me.”
“Looks can be deceiving.” chains held down the dragon.
“Oh?”
“And now, I have my mother!”

Laughter echoed.

“Still your mom’s little doll?” The chains started to shake, “you haven’t changed at all.”
“You’re wrong! Mama wanted me to-”
“Live?’

Laughter echoed again.

The girl faded. Where her feet stood, Synthesized fiber lay. The monkey’s head poured white. Black consumed her.


...


A sea, not yet red, lay next to a beach, not yet white. On the beach lay red armor. And Asuka knew what lay inside the armor.

A mechanized arm started to rise. And then she saw what it was grasping for. White wings attached to slit eyed monstrosities. 9 spikes fell.

A girl lay silent.

“No she- she wanted me to live!”

A child’s voice echoed: “You were already alive,”

The beach became water. Red armor cradled a girl, safely, lovingly.

The voice changed. Cruelty became anger, “She wanted us to die!”
The voice softened, it shook: “with her.”

The shaking became louder, the chains became weaker.

“No, no! your lying, she told me-”

The beach faded. Paper replaced it. The pencil lines made out a woman.
Her hands reached towards her daughter.

“Asuka...”
The chains started to weaken.
“See I told you-”
The paper became red, the woman became a doll. And around the doll was a string. The string was brown, the outlines of a tear.
“Won’t you die with me?”

The chains were broken.
The girl crumpled to her knees.
She looked down, but she could still hear it.

She could still hear the dragon roar.





“Asuka! Asu-”

Shinji was finding speech difficult. Red arms circled his mother’s neck. And then they pulled. Dragged. Dragged helpless humanoid armor. And with the armor, came a helpless boy. Dragged by a helpless girl.

Knees hit the marble. Black eyes peered through window glass. Human Hands rummaged through blue hair.

Armor dragged armor towards the white glider. The white glider rotated and flew.

Misato’s eyes turned from the window to her knees. Drops of blue placed salt on her skin.

I’ve failed again, haven’t I.





The Case of Shinji Ikari

A child walked towards him. Brown hair was parted symmetrically around his head. A collar held yellow fabric. The fabric held his upper body. Symmetric shorts held his legs. Luggage lay by his right ankle.

“Are you me?”
“No. I’m not you.”
“You look like me.”
“I’m different now. Now I have-”
“Friends?”

The boy was now a man. His eyes had an orange tint. Lenses looked down on Shinji.
“I can protect them now. I can protect Asuka, Misato-”

Laughter echoed.

“Protect them?”

The man faded, but the luggage remained. Black consumed him.





A sea, not yet red, lay next to a beach, not yet white. On the beach lay red armor. And Shinji knew what lay inside the armor.

A mechanized arm started to rise. And then he saw what it was grasping for. White wings attached to slit eyed monstrosities. 9 spikes fell. His arms could do nothing. Red armor now hid a corpse bathed in red.

“Protect me!”

A girl stood where the armor once lay. Shinji felt her foot come up with his chin. Then he felt a wooden floor with his back. He then felt the foot become a pendulum, crashing against his fragile frame again and again

“You let me die! You killed me! And now you want to save me?”

The kicking stopped. A boy took the place of the girl. A reflection of the mirror he wish he could stop seeing. And then he felt the boy’s hands. He started to croak, choking under the weight of his own arms.

“Protect them? You killed them!”

Shinji saw a boy scream, condemning the world.

“Protect Misato? She died protecting you!”

Shinji saw led turned a black dress red.

The boy became his father. He stood up, leaving his son on the floor, gasping for breath.

“You can’t save anyone. You can’t even save yourself.”

Shinji didn’t look at the luggage. But he knew it was still there, standing, accompanied by the ghost of a boy’s tears.



Purple stopped struggling against the red. A man stood triumphant in his laboratory.

A puppeteer’s creations will always be puppets.


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