Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Fri Feb 09, 2018 6:42 pm

View Original PostGryphon117 wrote:Okay, just finished reading the four chapters and the first thing I'll do is echo the issues some other posters had with the story: the beginning interactions between Shinji and Asuka ramp up way too fast, and the jumping between the scenes is mighty confusing sometimes, which isn't at all helped by the sheer mood whiplash some of them bring.


Yeah, I've edited chapter one numerous times trying to slow it down. Origianlly it had Asuka headbutting Shinji and then them holding hands(which was lemon tier bs in retrospect), then I took that out, then i finally ended with Asuka headbutting Shinji twice. I'm willing to edit episode 1 a 4th time, ur right about Shinji being overly optimistic. Then again, him trying to be overly oprtimistic is part of his character development in chapter 4.
My recommendation for the first point would be to just take things slow and develop them further, because you're honestly not in any rush. You mention Instrumentality opening the way for better understanding between Shinji and Asuka as a way of justifying them getting along so well, so quickly, but remember that Instrumentality is also a completely alien process, and that the sheer amount of information received and shared without the character's consent would make anyone confused. Putting their thoughts and feelings in order should be something that takes Shinji and Asuka quite a while to accomplish, days at the least. You can move forward from there.

Yeah, I'll take it more slowly. I rushed a bit as I wanted to get the characters ti a point where I could unleash new trauma on them for them to grow from. There's a lot of emotional trauma and devlopment I want them to undergo and deal with regarding the past. So I want them in a place where they're ready for it.

Could you elaborate on the "sheer mood whiplash" part?
The second point is more tricky, but I would ask you if you've thought of an outline for the whole story before starting to put pen to paper. It doesn't have to be anything overly extensive (a few general points for the most important sections of the story might suffice for a start) but, if you haven't, I recommend that you do so because it makes a world of difference towards managing to pull of an unified feeling in the plot.

Actually, the non linear chronology was an intentional storytelling choice. The idea was to make an illusion of "everything is better now!" Before shattering it with the whole nerf sent assassin and the metaphor of the dragon roaring. I was trying to mirror what NGE originally did with episode 2 by showing the scene directly after episode 1 after episode 2.


To make things clear, episode 3 starts with Asuka and Shinji waiting to see a phyciatrist we see in episode 4. While they wait they have a flashback to what happened directly after episode 1. The ending in episode 3 is an introduction for our villian, a cliffhanger to engage the reader. I felt switching up the order would add an interesting dynamic to the story and give more dramtic weight to what we see. But it seems to me, it's just confusing readers so I'll restrain myself more with how I play with chronology.


I'll make an outline for the next three episodes. I have an ending in mind, but I'm not sure how to get there.
Also, and as a sidenote, I found Shinji cheerfully claiming the whole 'We Saved the World' thing mighty perplexing. He is right, mind, but considering that he also pretty much pulled the trigger on humanity, I'd expect his thoughts on the matter to be a bit more ambivalent than they currently are. To doubt whether his actions were the correct ones, and such.
I'll edit episode 1 to be less optimistic regarding Shinji. I think the ending is fine, but Shinji shouldn't be smiling so much before that. He should get to the point when he decides it was okay to save the world. Or maybe I'll have Shinji question it, Asuka say she didn't mind saving the world(while headbutting), and Shinji smiling after saying "ow".
On the positives, I thought the scene between Asuka and Shinji under the tree in the Geofront was really good (albeit maybe a tad too early, as mentioned before). I'd personally go into some more details during the conversation, since it feels a bit rushed for such an important talk, but that may very well just be personal bias; same goes for the conversation in Asuka's bedroom.

Honestly, I'm not really good at writing long scenes of dialogue without losing the flow of my writing. I'll try to make the dialogue better.
As a last point, does the scene with Doctor Whatshisname serve any real purpose, right now? I was all kinds of confused with that one. :???:

The kids just had an assassination attempt from an organization that was supposed to be dissolved, hence Misato thought they should see a psychiatrist. The purpose is to include some humor to juxtapose the dramatic tension of what we see later in the episode. It also shows Shinji still dealing with the trauma. Felt that was important as the story before hand was obssessed with Asuka's trauma.
Last edited by Asuka'sBigBrother on Fri Feb 09, 2018 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Fri Feb 09, 2018 6:53 pm

View Original PostAdamMalkobitch wrote:I really enjoyed this, I couldn't help smiling while reading it. I've always been a sucker for sequels or spin-offs, even fanmade ones, that develop the characters more and explore things that were left unsaid and ambiguous in the original narrative. I only have a few issues.
Would you mind quoting a specific example? I'd like to see what kinds of passages i should lower the frequency of.


The middle of Episode 3 happens before episode 2, the point was to confuse the reader and give him a false sense of resolution before shattering it. The kids are having a flashback in episode 3 to what happened after episode 1. The "tree" was the object I was using as a transitory object betweem the present and past. I was hoping using the tree would allow me to avoid exposition, but it seems, I've just confused everyone.

TOO MUCH BAKA!


Baka is timeless, [i[baka[/i], there's never too much baka. :irked:


It's nerv nor nerf stoopid!

I shall edit this.

Also, I'm going to put a disclaimer in the OP about non linear chronology. I was hoping people, having watched NGE which it self uses this, would be able to spot it, but I'll put the readers on watch. I'm holding out hope people can figure it out and enjoy an enhanced reading experience. If people are still confused, I'll just make the order explicit in the op.
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Re: Evangelion 2: A Legacy of Angels

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Postby Asuka'sBigBrother » Thu Feb 22, 2018 8:21 am

I just wanna
SPOILER: Show
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this

5th chapter is finished(the story is all on page 1). I've also revised chapter one and given minor edits to the chapters in between.

Read.

Give feedback.

Have Cream Soda.
Just a big bro looking out for sistah

Mess with this crew, and I'll give you a blister


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